The Pub. David carries three beers to the table. "Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous!" he jokes. He wouldn't be David if he didn't ruin an already lame joke by getting serious: "No, purely social. I know someone who is an alcoholic, and it's no laughing matter. Particularly for his wife. And she's got alopecia. So... not a happy home life." For some reason, that last sentence cracks me up, probably because it sounds like he was asked for a review of their home life. "And their eldest is like that Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. That's probably what turned him to it." Lovely. I'm sure he appreciates being talked about on TV. And how could the Swindon lot think David's not a good laugh? He's so exhilarating! Brenda is taking something to eat, but David pulls her chair back so he can squeeze past her and sit down. When he's settled at the table, he carelessly pulls the chair back casting only a quick glance at her. Brenda makes a cautious motion to grab the table. She could have hit it pretty hard. Now, David, would it have killed you to say "Excuse me, can you move your chair, please"? But no, she's an invalid, so you have to move her. It's such a condescending gesture and he just doesn't get it. With guys like that, you don't know whether to feel sorry for them or just be mad at them. I usually lean on sorry with David myself.
"So, looking forward to the weekend?" David says. Everyone just mutters "yeah". They look a bit uncomfortable, probably still thinking of David's alcoholic friend and his son who's like Dustin Hoffman. Or the way he's treating Brenda. Sheila and Keith are the only Slough..ites? Sloughies? Slugs? Slugs it is.. there. Brenda and two male employees are the only Swin..nies? Slugs and Swinnies, great.They toast. David starts talking about Courage, which is apparently a local brewery. He has beer in front of him, so he talks about beer. Wow. It's a bit like his blind date with the fat woman in the Christmas special. Brenda looks really bored when he talks, or maybe she's just annoyed at the bad treatment. She probably only came because he volunteered to push her chair, and didn't remember to ask her if she wants to be there or not.
David asks about the brewery in Swindon, but no one seems to know or care. He says the pub is nice and says there's a nice pub near where he lives. It's a really forced social situation, everyone seems nervous, including David. The two guys whisper something to each other and David wants to be in on it: "Uh?" "Just a private joke," says one of the guys. Then they do it again and David stupidly asks again. They're forced to explain that there's a guy in the pub who looks like someone they know. Yeah, it was worth telling the whole crew. David advises them: "OK, one at a time. Focus, yeah? You get more out of it in the long run. Promise you that. Umm..." Yeah, it was getting really interesting. The guys sit there straight-backed, looking at David kind of angrily. "Forgot what I was saying... That's what happens when you..." David mumbles awkwardly. Yeah, it's all their fault, isn't it? "Courage...," David says feebly, looking very sad. Silence falls.
I feel sorry for David, but it's his own fault, once again. Why did he think having lunch at the pub would bring them closer together? He could barely get a word out of his mouth in the meet and greet, so he's obviously not very good with new people. Or people he knows either, for that matter. And now that they told him they're bored and need more challenges, you bring them to the pub and bore them with small talk? A good boss would have taken that criticism as a challenge and really tried to motivate them and give them feedback about their work, and some kind of warmth could have generated from there. But if he really wanted to get to know them, why not start by talking about them? Ask them about their lives and be genuinely interested. The problem, as always, is that David isn't interested - he wants to impress them, he wants them to like him, and that's why he's unable to establish a real relationship with any of his employees. No one likes a show-off, especially when he has so little to show.
In the break room, Tim and Dawn are flirting like old times. Tim prepares to throw a dart and Dawn tells him not to throw it at her head. It all seems very natural and might well be ad libbed. "I could throw from here and still get 180," says Tim and sits down as far back as he can. Dawn laughs. At that very moment, Rachel walks in and sits down strategically next to Tim, so that it all looks like Dawn is the outsider. She invites Tim for a night out with her and her friends - and then turns around awkwardly and says, "And you Dawn, you can bring Lee if you want". The invitation to Dawn is polite and friendly, but seems very much like an afterthought. Dawn, sensing that she's only asking to be nice, mutters, "Oh... I... don't think we'd be able..." Without even letting her finish, Rachel turns back to Tim, "OK, but um... You can come?" She seems a bit shy, like you are when you ask someone out on the first date. The camera zooms on Tim and Rachel, so that Dawn is left out of the picture. Tim agrees to come, and Rachel looks a bit shy, like you do when someone accepts your invitation on a first date. The camera now zooms on Dawn, who looks pretty crestfallen. She plays with her fingers, because she feels like three's a crowd. Rachel decides to leave as soon as she's got the invitation out of the way, and as she slinks away to whisper "Yess!" and dance the victory dance in the bathroom - or so I imagine -, Dawn and Tim try to play it off. "It'll be fun," says Dawn weakly. "Yeah...Yes," says Tim, embarrassed. "Cool as a cucumber." Hee! They both look down. The connection they established earlier is broken again. It's really kind of sad.
Even sadder is the pub lunch. Keith has ordered a meal and eats it in his usual sluggish way. Everyone's just sitting there, waiting for him to finish, as he puts the fries into his mouth slowly. No one says anything, and the silence is broken only by the chime of the fruit game or whatever it is in the corner. Finally even Keith seems to realize the others are getting impatient, as he puts his fork down. David asks, "Good?" and gets a very Keith answer: "'twas OK." If you want help in lively conversation, he's definitely not the one to go to. Everyone stares at the table looking miserable. David says in a weak voice, "Yeah, I've eaten here..so... If you want a really good pie, the Gardener's..."
He looks at the others. No one makes a peep. Just like in the meet and greet, he chooses to voice his disappointment openly: "It's been a washout, innit. Dunno why I bothered, if no one else is gonna make the effort." Well, you invited them to pub lunch, you acted like it was going to be so exciting. It's your fault you had nothing planned; they don't owe you to become friends with you, they're your employees, so you can't really blame them if your personal chemistry doesn't match with theirs. "We have made the effort," says one of the male employees. "Uh?" says David, like he did when Neil thanked him for the speech in episode 1. The male Swinnie repeats it. David, with his voice full of disappointment and sadness, says, "Yeah, I don't mean you, it's just, obviously the best people haven't turned up and..." He mumbles something and tells them he'll go back to the office. The best people? Who would those be? Gareth? Tim and Neil are the best people, if you want natural fun, but I think he missed having his best man around to respond to his comments with war metaphors. Just like before, David pushes Brenda's chair out of the way without caring about the person sitting on it. He sighs deeply, takes his coat and walks away. The camera follows him as he puts on his coat while walking and gets out of the door. The Slugs and Swinnies alike stare after him. I hope they realize now what a laugh David is!
Cut to the office, where Neil is playing cricket with the employees. They're having fun. See, this is the difference between Neil and David: Neil engages them in the fun and doesn't simply expect them to adore him. That's why they like him. He acts like he's one of them. David walks into the office and goes up to Gareth, which proves my suspicion that he thought Gareth would have made the pub lunch fun. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Having a laugh," says Gareth. "Couldn't have a laugh in the pub at lunchtime? Selfish," says David. I love his one-word comments. "Selfish" is right up there with "Fact". Gareth seems confused, as usual. David asks everyone if it isn't a bit dangerous. Everyone stops to look at him. "You wanna work? Maybe you should work, cos it's quarter past two." I don't really get the work times. Their lunch is from, what? 1 or 1:30 to 2 pm? And they seem to finish the day around 6 pm. I do wonder what time they get in, as it all seems so late. But I digress. Neil says they'll just finish the game. David gets really angry now, probably more at himself than at Neil, but I doubt he realizes it. It's not because he's not fun. It can't be! He's fun! It must be Neil! Before Neil got there, everything was fine. And with this child's logic, David attacks Neil in front of the employees: "'Just finishing off'! Just wanna be popular as the new boss! 'Love me!' Pathetic!!" (emphasizing the c so it sounds funny: Patheticcc) and walks away. It's really childish behaviour. For one thing, his "Neil" voice is really whiny. For another, this type of thing you take up in private, if at all. It's really the worst way he could go about it, because instead of making Neil look bad, it makes him look bad and adds to the tensions in the workplace. David walks into his office and slams the door. Even the calm and professional Neil doesn't really know what to say, so he simply breaks off the game with a little nervous laughter in his voice - one of those mirthless laughters that says "this is really awkward" rather than "this is really funny" - and tells the employees to get back to work.
Neil walks into David's office. The camera follows them, but stays outside the office. We can still hear their voices really well though, which might be because they're all carrying microphones. Neil is polite and kind to David at this point as he says, "I'm confused. I don't know what happened there, but you obviously have a problem, what is it?" See, David, this is how grown ups sort things out. David can't reply, "I hate you because you are more popular, funnier, more handsome and more professional than I am" - and probably in that order - , so he uses work as an excuse: "No, time for work, wasn't it? Isn't that what you say, let's work instead of mucking about in the office?" We all know he doesn't mean it, because he couldn't care less about work. Neil is so much more mature than David. He tells David matter-of-factly: "Right, well you see, your attitude confuses me. You don't wanna tell me what the problem is, then fine, but don't speak to me like that in front of staff, OK? Because you're acting like a petulant kid." Thank you. "Young at heart," David shrugs. Well, yes, in the same way as Gareth is youthful - childish instead of childlike, with all the bad sides of a ten-year-old boy and none of the merits.
Neil looks at David quietly for a moment and then continues: "If you've got a problem, come speak to me, but don't stand out there and embarrass me and yourself, cos I will not stand for it, OK? I've been trying to be nice. I've been trying to deal with the situation delicately, because I was mildly embarrassed that we were equivalents and now I'm your boss, but that's the deal, live with it." I think Neil knows exactly what David's problem is, because he just defined it in clear terms. David is older than him and very nearly had his position, and now Neil is a daily reminder to him that he lost that position and has to continue at his old job. The part about being popular and funny is something Neil probably hasn't picked up on yet. Through most of this, David is baring his teeth, probably not a conscious move. Neil has one more thing to add: "I don't let anyone talk to me like you just did - not my staff, not my boss, no one, and certainly not you. Do you understand?" David has nothing to say but a feeble: "Yeah." He could say he's sorry, or that he overstepped his boundaries, or something. Maybe he feels a bit ashamed of the way he was acting. Expecting something stronger, Neil repeats: "Do you understand?" David shrugs, as if he already replied. Well, he did in a way. "Good," says Neil, even if he deserves an apology. He probably realizes he isn't going to get one.
This is the first time Neil has to act the boss with David, but not the last. But really, if David did his job and acted like a grown up around Neil, he would never have to. Neil's not the kind of guy who has to flaunt his authority and get others to kneel - no pun intended - in front of him. Coming to think of it, he does bring David to his knees, so maybe that's why he has that name. But compare Neil's behaviour in this episode to the Christmas specials - the coldness comes after David acts like an ass repeatedly and pretty much forces Neil to hate him. Neil obviously wants to be mates, because after he had to be tough, he now tells David kindly: "Look, you're a good bloke, Dave, and if there's a problem, I'd rather discuss it sensibly than have these little chats, alright?" The use of "Dave" is a clear attempt to come back to David's level, where Neil would like to be. David produces a short, insecure sound that sounds more like "hum" than anything else. "Shake on it?" suggests Neil and shakes David's hand. "Great, thank you," he says and walks out of the room to cover his own embarrassment at having to play it tough, and David looks after him with a look that says: "This ain't over". You can see in that look how inferior he feels to Neil and how he needs to demonize him, because if he doesn't, it's him that's the problem and he just can't handle that.
Coming out of David's office, Neil clears his throat. He doesn't seem like he enjoyed that little show of power, and I like him all the better for it. He gathers the cricket stuff with some embarrassment, says bye to the employees and leaves. Tim, Gareth, and Jamie stand around in a circle, looking sadly after Neil. David looks at them and realizes he needs to say something to put things right again. He could start with "sorry" and "Neil's a good guy, I was just having a bad day". But alas, he chooses the opposite way. He gets out of his office, comes to the guys, and whispers, "Did you hear the conversation there?" "No," says Tim. Yes, David, but the cameras heard, and the cameras can see you now, so be honest. I should really count the times David shoots himself in the foot by lying through his teeth on camera. David claims he had a fight with Neil: "He showed his true colors, didn't he." Tim isn't buying it, and good for him: "He's alright, he seems like a good bloke." David now resorts to "better not say anything then.. .Watch you back." Then he tells them Neil was "slagging you off", pointing at Gareth, who he knows has the weaker self esteem. Gareth is, of course, shocked: "What, me personally? Just me?" "Yeah," says David, but then adds: "And you," pointing at Tim. "What did he say?" says Gareth. "Just going, 'Oh yeah, your lot are rubbish...' I was going, 'If our lot are rubbish, you Swindon lot are shit!' " Our lot and you Swindon lot, because it's really useful to still think in those terms. Like I said, all the bad sides of a ten-year-old - this is the exact way kids at school turn people against each other. "He said this and that about you" is very often a lie.
Gareth asks if David hit Neil. Of course, he thinks the mature way to deal with things is through a fist fight. Silly Gareth, you would have seen it if he had! David's office has Venetian blinds on the windows! "If I had, he'd have come through that wall," claims David. Yeah, I'm sure. Tim still isn't buying it: "I dunno, he's pretty trim, mate." David, annoyed that he can't boast with his physique, tries to come up with some semi-credible fitness lie: "Yeah? Against karate?" Hee, it's like the last thing I'd imagine David doing. He really has the mind control thing down. Tim wants to hear what Neil actually said, but David can't even come up with a lie about that: "Just slagging you lot off..." Yeah, that's specific. And he's bound to believe that. Still talking in a little voice, because he thinks the viewers won't hear - try taking off your microphone - David continues about what he supposedly said, namely, "You Swindon lot are slugs! You're little slugs with no personality and you're just jealous because we're better at everything than you!" Hey, the Slough people are Slugs, don't ruin my new nicknames. And way to insult the new employees in the most vague and childish way imaginable. He's literally lying through his teeth, trying to sustain his volume. If Neil knew David is saying this, would he have fired him on the spot? Maybe it's not reason enough, but I'm sure he would have gotten the boot even faster, had Neil known about this little spiel.
David tells the guys to step out if Neil gets aggressive, "I don't want you lot getting hurt, it's not worth it." Listen, this makes it even less credible. If Neil were that dangerous, would they really let him be the manager? There would have been incidents before, the Swinnies would fear him, it's not even remotely possible that he's like David says. "I'll step in if you want," Gareth volunteers like it's some TA suicide mission. "This is big boys' shit, mate, but cheers," David dismisses him, patting him on the chest a bit with the back of his hand. Gareth gives him a great piece of advice: "Hit him really hard by the ears, cos a vacuum in the brain kills him instantly." Hee! Yes, I'm sure David wants murder charges. I wonder if Gareth is really ready to do something like that. I like to think he isn't, but really, who knows? He could be the silent killer of the office. "I wouldn't want him to die," says David. Well, that's good at least. "I'd like him, the little twat, alive with the shit I was gonna put on him." As if he could do something to Neil that was worse than death. Yes, I can just see that. He'd make Neil suffer! And with that, David walks away. Tim and Jamie furrow their brows and even Gareth looks a bit scared. They're not used to seeing David this mad. It would be a bit disconcerting if your boss went around slagging off his own boss and threatening to put him through fierce, yet ambiguous "shit". Though as a viewer, I can only laugh at David's antics. He's in way over his head here.
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