Finchy walks up to a blonde at the counter and opens with: "Who wants a bit of Finch?" When the girl pretty much has to ask what he meant, he introduces himself and "my very good friend, Sir David of Brent!" "Hiya," says David. They both look kind of sweatty. "The only knighthood he's got is a condom," says Finchy unnecessarily. "Knight..hood," says David. "Condom, see?" says Finchy. "I'm saying, the joke works," David says. The blonde looks as annoyed as I would be if someone came to chat me up and used those lines. Especially if they were 40 and acted like 15 and drunk. Gareth, of course, makes it worse by awkwardly butting in: "Condoms come in all different flavors nowadays. Like strawberry and curry.. do you like curry?" he asks a brunette. It's very Gareth, kind of cute in a pathetic way, yet sexist and annoying. The brunette and her blonde friend - not the same blonde though - both look grossed out. Tim pushes his way to the bar and looks really tired and out of place. Wouldn't he have any girls chatting him up? He's not that bad looking. Finchy asks the girls their names. Blonde 1 is Lorna, Blonde 2 is Lindsay and Brunette is Heather. "Nice to meet you, nice to meet you.." says Finchy to the others, and seedily adds: "And VERY nice to meet you" to Lorna, kissing her hand. Lorna actually looks flattered. "Nice to meet all of you, anyone's fine," says David quickly, as if to say that he's not picky. It's sad yet funny, but if I were any of the girls, I'd just walk away from these seedy old men with their very obvious intentions.
Kylie's "Lucky Like This" plays as Finchy is sandwiched between Lorna and Lindsay on the dancefloor. And seriously - why? He's 40, not all that goodlooking, and obviously only after one thing. Sure, he doesn't look as old as David, but Lorna and Lindsay look around 20. David stands in the crowd and seems to shout something at the camera or mouth the words of the song, which doesn't look anywhere near as cool as it did in his head. His hair is messy and he's looking drunker than before. Tim is dancing with his bottle, still alone, it seems. David shows Gareth the camera and smiles, but Gareth just looks awkwardly at the floor. This is clearly not his scene. He looks like he's getting pretty drunk himself.
Some more dancing people later, Finchy and David stand at the counter drinking more beer. David compliments Finchy's shirt and he says, "Cheers. Ciro Citterio." He makes Italian words sound very British. He sounds like he's really getting drunk. A girl needs to pick up something from the floor near him, and he does his, "While you're down there love" joke, which I hate. "Well, you know what they say, one up the bum no harm done," he says to David, who laughs a bit too much. "Have you not heard that before?" "Yeah," says David. He'll laugh at any of Finchy's jokes because he wants to show how cool he is. And because he's really drunk. Finchy spots Donna sitting by the bar and shouts at her, "If you're looking for a seat, love, you can sit on my face!" Eww. Has that line ever worked? It sounds like the grossest possible opening, even worse than "who wants a bit of finch?" David laughs loud again but when he sees it's Donna, he tells Finchy it's fine to do it to other girls, but not her. So it's not about respecting women, it's about not getting involved with this particular one. Finchy continues with the appalling "If that chair is too soft for you, I've got something harder you can sit on". It's funny because he actually thinks it works, but still gross. Donna stares ahead steely-eyed and pretends not to hear him. Finchy finally stops as David begs him to leave her alone.
Gareth is trying to dance, looking around him very awkwardly. He's wearing his "gunholster" straps, which certainly doesn't make him look more hip. A pretty woman walks up to him and whispers something, and she dances energetically and sexily, wiggling her boobs at him as he moves his feet clumsily and looks around him again, smiling this time. I wonder if it's the camera or if Gareth really feels this awkward at the pub. He interviews that they go there every Wednesday night. "And it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My only problem with that is venerial disease, which is disabilitating, especially for a soldier." And he points at himself. So that's his ONLY problem, in other words he wouldn't mind sleeping with a bunch of loose women, as long as they don't carry VDs. Not that hard to believe, but I think he meant it to sound more responsible than that. He also acts like the women are just lining up to sleep with him. He continues with a particularly bad army metaphor: "You're in the jungle, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in... Who's used all the penicillin? Oh, Mark Paxton sir, he's got knobrot off some tart." I find that really hilarious for a variety of reasons. For one thing, he's got a name ready; for another, the situation is so unrealistic even as a made-up story. Wouldn't they have spare penicillin or something? And I thought the VD itself was disabilitating, not the gangrene of some other soldier. Thirdly - knobrot? Heee. Well, I hope Gareth has his condoms with him as he faces all the loose, dangerous women. Back at the pub, we see the woman making her moves on Gareth very fast, dancing closer and then leaning in for a long, passionate kiss. Gareth, clearly new to the situation, doesn't know what to do, so he looks away and takes a drink of beer. The song playing is Shamen's "Ebeneezer Goode", which contains a great deal of "muahahaha", and I'm not sure if that's supposed to be aimed at Gareth.
David, more and more drunk as the night advances, comes through the crowd shouting: "Coming thru!" He goes up to Karen and screams, "Ha-haa!" Karen flinches, as would I, because it's a pretty creepy way of saying hi. Karen's eye is black and blue. "Don't worry, I haven't got any balls," says David. Hee, word. "Vodka and Coke, right?" says David. Karen laughs in a forced way. "What am I drinking?" David asks. "Lager?" suggests Karen. "Pint thereof," says David and shows his mug. Yeah, usually it's a pint, not a shot glass. Karen looks away in disgust as David guzzles more beer. It's funny that David apparently drinks quite a bit, yet he gets so drunk from a few beers. And does he think this is a good image in front of his new employee? Oh wait, of course he does - he's "fun", "cool", and "laid back". He goes to the pub just like you and me! And of course he expects his employees to socialize with him outside of work, because he wants to be their best friend. Boss from hell. His hair is looking really sweatty and unkempt at this point.
Under a blue light, Gareth is sitting on a sofa with the woman from earlier, and she's kissing his neck. Gareth looks awkwardly at a heavyset man sitting next to the woman - kind of fat, but also strong-looking, someone who might easily beat Gareth in a fight. The man nods at Gareth, looking like he approves of what's going on. Gareth nods back like he doesnt' know what to think. And he doesn't look all that excited about the kissing. It seems like he's trying to get into the mood, but he keeps turning his head away a bit, which suggests he finds the woman's behaviour a bit pushy. As would I.
David is drunkenly leaning on Karen's shoulder and babbling about himself as a boss. Karen stares ahead looking very uncomfortable. David talks about redundancies and how "they'd bend over backwards for me - and not because they're scared of me - but becasue they love me and I love them, you know? You're going to love me as well, because of what I am, not in a sexual..." He's so drunk that his eyes keep blinking and almost closing, and he seems to have trouble speaking. David, I wouldn't tell other people how they're going to love you. It's not very charming behaviour. Karen looks like she already regrets getting the job.
Finchy's talking to Donna and she actually seems to like him. What the... He's gross! Don't any of these women see it? Ricky walks up to them and kisses Donna immediately, which I think is the romantic equivalent of peeing on a tree to mark your territory. Donna doesn't seem to mind. Finchy looks away like "bloody hell, when did he do that?" His expression reveals that he feels old, tired, and like he's losing the game. But all I can think is "Serves him right". Usually it's harder to get 20-year-olds when you're 40. That's why most people try to settle down before that age. Gareth sees Ricky and Donna and goes, "David David David David!" like a little school boy. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," says David in a tired tone. Ricky and Donna kiss some more, and Gareth drinks his beer as the woman ruffles his hair. David tries to chat her up: "What bike have you got?" "A Matchless 500," she replies. "What's that, a Harley Davidson? I'll level that," says David and does a motion that looks like turning up the gas on a motorbike. And I don't know anything about this topic, but I think Matchless and Harley Davidson are separate brand names. I think David just doesn't know any others and tries to appear like he does. Gareth gets possessive and tells him to leave her alone. I don't think he has anything to worry about though. Gareth looks skinny and sad, yet younger and more fit than David, who's looking particularly puffy and red-faced at the moment. I don't want to sound shallow, but I doubt he's going to get anyone home with him tonight.
Timterview on Slough's night life. There are two night clubs: Chasers and New York, New York: "They call it 'the nightclub that never sleeps'. That closes at one," Tim says with a cute little grin. There used to be a theme club called Henry VIII. "This was incredible. They had the Anne Boleyn alley." Hee! He says there was a sign that said "Don't mind your head," and someone had written under it: "Don't get your Hampton Court." I'm not sure I get that. Maybe I should do a few more history courses. "It's not there anymore, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it," Tim continues. Perfectly straight face. I love Timterviews. The dry sarcasm is awesome.
"Oops, I Did It Again" plays as Gareth asks who the guy is. "Oh, have you not met me husband Paul?" says the woman as if this was the most natural thing in the world. The woman asks him if they can take Gareth home with them, without asking Gareth first. Gareth, however, is appalled. "Husband? No way, I don't... no, not interested, no. I'm not having another feller involved, another girl maybe, not another bloke. I wouldn't even want him watching." Exactly, because Gareth is sooo not gay, and he would never want another guy in the same room or even within the premises, because IT might move while looking at a guy, and that would be a disaster. He gets up and walks away from what is probably a rare chance to get laid. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to admire his principles or laugh at his homophobia. I suspect it's the latter option.
"Tainted Love" plays as Tim looks tired at the bar counter and Finchy and Lorna are getting to know each other better. Can't have Donna, so he goes to Lorna. The heavier Lindsay is left with David and looks utterly bored, as David is too drunk or just too stupid to make conversation. Gareth seems to be looking at Lindsay as well, but her steady gaze ahead implies that she's not interested in either one of them. Finchy and Lorna lean in for a kiss. Eww. I somehow wish women just slapped him in the face, but obviously some people actually find him attractive.
Tim sits next to Karen, who's drinking not Vodka and Coke, but orange juice. Donna and Ricky walk up to them and Tim seems happy to meet them. They certainly make better company than the extremely drunk David and Gareth who watch on from the sofa. Gareth looks like he can barely hold his head up at this point. Donna tells David, "So now you know." She wipes her nose a bit, which might suggest she's been sniffing something, but maybe I'm reading too much into it. Donna asks David if he has a problem with Ricky, and she seems kind of confrontational this time around. "No, sleep with everyone in the office," says David. "He's not even a permanent member of staff! I'd prefer you sleep with Gareth." That's terrible. For one thing, none of his business, and for another - who cares who's a temp and who's David's best man? It's so silly. "Wouldn't happen," says Donna. "Why, because he hasn't gone to university?" says David mockingly. Aww, so threatened by educated people. "No, because he's a little weasel-faced arse!" says Donna, and I should find it hilarious, but somehow I just find her mean here. Maybe because she's making fun of his appearance, and also because I somehow feel sorry for Gareth who is so sad. "You could do worse than Gareth. He hasn't missed one day of work because of ill health," says David. Why should that matter? It's not like Donna has to pick her partners based on their work performance. And not being off sick doesn't even make you a good employee, it's just good luck. "And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel!" he continues. Hee, second-in-command? And he got it backwards. Donna corrects him, but he just says, "Same thing." "No, it's not," says Donna and asks Gareth: "Would you rather have a face like an arse or like a weasel?" Gareth, whose eyes seem to be going in two different directions, says, "Weasel probably," as if that were a sincere question. "Anyway, fuck this, don't tell me who I can and cannot see!" says Donna, and here I like her standing up to herself, and yet feel she's a bit out of line. Maybe it's because she's stooping to David and Gareth's level and it makes me think less of her.
She sarcastically tells him she hopes he won't sleep with anyone tonight "because you obviously find sex so disgusting." Finchy, who never misses an opportunity to laugh at his 'friend', says, "He couldn't pull it at a brothel!" "I could and I have," says David, as if he has to defend his chances of getting sex in a brothel, and outing himself as someone who buys sex. "And yes I will take her home with me tonight if I want to," pointing at Lindsay without even looking at her. Wow, way to get her interested, treating her like a thing you can take home with you from the store if YOU want to. "I don't wanna go home with you," says Lindsay immediately. "She doesn't wanna come home with me. I don't want you to come home with me," David continues to babble. "That's a waste of an hour," he adds and adjust his tie because he's embarrassed. "So the only reason you've been talking to me is because you want to shag me?" says Lindsay angrily. "Yeah, and from behind, because your breath stinks of onions, but I didn't tell you that, did I?" says David like he had been such a gentleman for not saying that out loud. It's just the kind of thing you say while drunk, but it's still pretty arrogant from someone who's not such a catch himself. Lindsay slaps him in the face and looks away, looking indignant. "Oo, one in the bum, no harm done," Finchy laughs. "No, not up the arse," says David unnecessarily and closes his eyes. He nods his head to the music and seems to be musing to himself with his arms crossed. He's almost drunk enough to pass out. And the slap was nice, but I still wish someone had slapped Finchy. Either he's just good-looking enough to be forgiven, or he just doesn't get as drunk as David and say such dumb things. Tim has his hand on his mouth and Karen looks appalled at David. He really gave a great first impression.
And now, David will offer us a poetry reading with commentary: "Slough" by Sir John Betjeman. "Probably never been here in his life," he adds. I think I'll write his comments first and add mine then.
"Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough
It isn't fit for humans now.
Right, I don't think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, so he's embarrassed himself there. Next:
In labor-saving homes with care
Their wives frizz out peroxide hair
And dry it in synthetic air
And paint their nails.
They wanna look nice. What's he got.. Don't he like girls?
And talk of sports and make of cars
In various bogus-Tudor bars
And daren't look up and see the stars
But belch instead.
What's he on about? What, has he never burped?"
OK, firstly, that's hilarious. David's utter lack of deep reading shows he's never had a literature course in his life, and doesn't realize that poems might have more than the obvious shallow meaning. Yeah, it's really just a gay anti-belching poem about town planning. Got it. But the real genius of this scene comes out when you read the whole poem. I think I'll actually copy it all here:
Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn't fit for humans now,
There isn't grass to graze a cow.
Swarm over, Death!
Come, bombs and blow to smithereens
Those air -conditioned, bright canteens,
Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans,
Tinned minds, tinned breath.
Mess up the mess they call a town-
A house for ninety-seven down
And once a week a half a crown
For twenty years.
And get that man with double chin
Who'll always cheat and always win,
Who washes his repulsive skin
In women's tears:
And smash his desk of polished oak
And smash his hands so used to stroke
And stop his boring dirty joke
And make him yell.
But spare the bald young clerks who add
The profits of the stinking cad;
It's not their fault that they are mad,
They've tasted Hell.
It's not their fault they do not know
The birdsong from the radio,
It's not their fault they often go
To Maidenhead
And talk of sport and makes of cars
In various bogus-Tudor bars
And daren't look up and see the stars
But belch instead.
In labour-saving homes, with care
Their wives frizz out peroxide hair
And dry it in synthetic air
And paint their nails.
Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough
To get it ready for the plough.
The cabbages are coming now;
The earth exhales.
During the reading of the poem, we see the guys leave the bar. We see the lady who seduced Gareth get up on her motorcycle, driven by the husband. As they drive away, we see Gareth looking embarrassed in the side-cart - so after the humiliation from Donna, he had second thoughts? Hee. Finchy is leaving with Lorna. Lorna, I'm really disappointed in you, you seemed to rightly despise him at first. Lindsay leaves alone. You're better off without guys like Finchy and David, Lindsay, so don't worry. David is leaving with Tim. "Where are we going?" asks David. "Well, I'm going home," says Tim. "One more drink, one more drink," says David. Tim says he's going home. David starts singing Des'ree's Life. "Life! Ooh life!" he sings drunkenly and lifts his arms in the air. "Shut up, shut up," mutters Tim. I really feel for him. But then he tagged along, so maybe he's partially to blame too. "This is my favorite," David says. He just doesn't want the party to end - maybe because he doesn't want to go to his boring home all alone.
To wrap up the episode, David comments on the poem some more:
"Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough
to get it ready for the plough.
The cabbages are coming now,
the Earth exhales.
He's the only cabbage around here." Hee!! After the credits, we see David dismissing the book: "And they made him a knight of the realm. Overrated." It's pretty hilarious how superior David has to act to keep away a feeling that Betjeman has a point about the lives of the people in Slough. Maybe that's also why he drinks so much.
Great episode, again. And only one more of season 1 to go!
1 comment:
r.e: Don't Get Your Hampton Court:
= "don't get your hampton caught". Hampton is a pun on Hampton Court Palace, and also means "Hampton Wick" - an area of Kingston in south London, and also cockney rhyming slang for prick/dick.
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