Season 2, Episode 4, Part 5: "Simply The Best"

I apologize for the delay with this post, but I had a very busy April and rushed recaps are no fun for anyone. I should have more time for this blog again now, so you can expect updates in the normal pace.

How much do I love the chapter names? They often seem very ironic. David is, of course, anything but the best, and the Tina song is easily the worst part of the speech (though perhaps the best part laughter-wise).

And speaking of laughing, David goes on: "Are you familiar with the term 'Laughter is the best medicine'?" He looks at the audience. A woman in the front row shakes her head. Hee! She hasn't heard that before? I think she's just trying to humor him. "Well, it's true," says David. "When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, yeah? Your stress hormones are reduced and the oxygen supply to your blood is increased, so..." Wow. Someone Googled the topic right before the speech. "I try to laugh several times a day just because... it makes you feel good!" claims David. He's so fun and spontaneous - yet healthy! That's why we see him laughing so much at the office. I'm not even sure if we've ever seen him laugh in a completely relaxed way. He's always giggling at his own jokes and it always ends up so awkward. Or he's laughing at Finchy's filthy jokes even if it looks like he doesn't get them.

David now tries to engage the audience in a laughing session. "Let's try that, eh? Ohohoo... Hahaha... Just, just... Hahahaha... Come on, trust me.. you'll feel.. HahaHAhaha! O-o-o-o-a-hahahahaa..." Seriously, it's so bad. He sounds like a monkey gone insane. Needless to say, no one else is laughing, and he looks more and more awkward, which makes him laugh harder and harder. He beats his thighs and bends over laughing and his face is very red. What was he thinking? Well, he probably didn't plan this ahead of time, but suggesting a task like this to an audience in such a small setting is about the dumbest engaging activity you can have. They're not going to humiliate themselves by laughing like monkeys in front of everyone in the office. I'd almost say he should have done the "sticks and stones" thing, even if that was by far not a constructive task, and he probably would have gotten mad. Ray and Jude look confused and shocked like they're not sure if this is part of his plan or if he just went insane on the spot. He starts to sound quite out of breath, but the laughter has taken him hostage, even if he started with a fake laugh.That always happens when you start fake-laughing. Try it sometime. This goes on for quite a while, it's just one of those brilliant awkward scenes in The Office.

Dawn looks at David with pity. She doesn't look quite as shocked as Ray and Jude, though, because she sees so much of him at the office. We cut to a Dawnterview where she says, "I'd.. be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected." Hee! I love this quote paired with the image of Dawn staring at David, forced to see him make a fool of himself on her free time. Dawn tells us a story that most grown ups can recognize: her school had a reunion - she didn't go, and she doesn't say why, but she probably doesn't want to tell everyone about her job as a receptionist and her Neanderthal boyfriend she's been seeing since she was a teenager - "but one girl in my class, it turns out, now runs her own Internet auction website, making a fortune, and is happily married to a marine biolgoist. She used to eat chalk!" Dawn seems shocked that a girl who used to eat chalk can now be successful. I've noticed that popularity in school really has very little to do with how your life turns out to be. If anything, the more popular you are, the less successful you will be in life. Of course, she might be lying about her success too - marine biologist is, after all, what George Costanza claimed to be.

Back to the speech, where a deflated and flushed David gives up on the audience, luckily not as openly disappointed as in the first day speech. He still tries to sound playful: "Well, that's about it for yours truly... Thanks for taking all I had to... throw at you. I'm spent. But I am now going to make like a banana... and split." He giggles; no one laughs. He points at one guy in the front row and says, "He got it." Um, I think they all got it... which is why they didn't laugh. He puts the sad backwards cap back on. So it's not so much his speech cap as it is his... beginning-and-end cap? "OK, before I go though, promise me you'll remember one thing. Yeah? Just remember..." and he turns on the boombox that starts playing Tina Turner's Simply the Best from the chorus: "...You're the best! Better than all the rest! Better than anyone! Anyone I've ever met!" Oh my god. David now runs back to the center of the room and starts clapping his hands over his head to the music. With his backwards cap on. He's really acting like he's in a rock concert. "Listen to her, listen to her!" he yells excitedly. The camera shows the audience, who look bored and awkward, like they don't know how to respond to this. A bearded man in a cap - not backwards! - gives the camera an annoyed look. The upbeat song and David's mood are in stark contrast with the bored-out-of-their-minds audience. Did he really think the audience would get motivated just from hearing this song? In one way I feel sorry for him, but in another way... Heee. He's right tho - he's unorthodox, doesn't play by "the rules".

So, David's Motivational Technique Tips, as heard in his speech!
1. Think that at least you've got your health.
2. Think that at least you have your arms and legs.
3. Think that at least you're not dead.
4. Laugh maniacally.
5. Listen to Tina Turner.

They may sound unrelated to the casual reader, but really, there's an intricate connection between all these things, and that connection is "stuff that popped into David's head during the speech". Wow. I'm feeling pretty motivated right now.

"I've been David Brent! You've been the best! See you later!" David shouts over the music and then jogs away from the room, leaving the music blaring. The other speakers and the audience look after him, confused. The best way to end a speech, leaving the audience wondering what the fuck that was about and whether this can be the ending. Ray rubs his temple in a great naturalistic disappointed gesture. The actor manages to make it look pretty unconscious. He and Jude assume the same look, one of resignation. Their mouths straighten to a sideways I, implying that they realize this is all they're going to get and they settle for it. Jude gets up and shuts down the music. Which, by the way, was way too loud, perhaps to create an excited concert mood. "Yes, um, our thanks to David -" starts Jude, but David comes back to the door and demands: "Who stopped it?" Jude stutters that she did. "No, don't stop it, leave it going right til the end, til I get..." ..where? To the end of the hallway or back to the door? If he was going to pull a stunt like this, he should have let Jude and Ray know in advance instead of demanding them to understand his every whim on the spot. "Don't do that again next time, OK?" he says, and again, not the best way of dealing with this. He doesn't seem to realize that they can fire him from the task if he acts like an idiot, and he can't just talk to Jude like that. He's not being all that loud or anything, but he is kind of embarrassing her in front of the audience.

David lifts his hand in a salute to the audience, a bit too long as if he's waiting for some kind of response and not getting it. Are they supposed to wave back? Then he jogs out, even if the other three speakers are still sitting there in the room. OK, he was the last speaker, but he might have wanted to act a bit less like the big shot star. It's kinda amusing how he thinks they will all instantly know him to be the main attraction. Sometimes going on last doesn't mean you're the star, David. And did I mention how ridiculously old he looks in that outfit that he's wearing so he'd look like a young boy? Jude apologizes. She seems shy and insecure. "David Brent, Wernham Hogg," she tells the audience, who clap as little as they possibly can while still remaining polite. One particular guy only claps twice, and slowly at that. Mark Frown looks after David in disbelief and puffs up his cheeks in a "whew" gesture. You better believe it, Mark - that was pure David Brent. Jude proceeds to give out brochures to the participants. A fat guy in the front row doesn't seem to want one, or else doesn't notice it since he's looking at the camera with a blank stare. Maybe he's still too... motivated from David's performance to focus on such a mundane detail. His look at the camera is a bit Keith-like.

"Backstage", David is energetic and cheerful. He tells the camera he'll tell us a secret: "Before I went out there, I was a little unsure if I still had it." He giggles. Wow, talk about low self esteem. He was unsure if he has it? David, let me assure you, you haven't lost your ability to make a complete fool of yourself. Of course, he uses the imaginary opinion of the public as his witness: "I'll let you be the judge of that, you know what I mean!" he says and high fives Dawn with so much force that she cries, "Ow!" I love how throughout this speech, before and after, David's using Dawn as a prop. It really shows how highly he thinks of her. Need someone to dump your heavy boombox on? Dawn's there, use her. Need someone to throw your childish cap at? Try Dawn! Want to high five someone? Can't high five the camera crew, do it to Dawn instead! He just expects her to be in awe of his skills and be ready to wipe his boots any minute. Which is probably how many employers think of receptionists. Dawn looks at him with disgust.

David then proceeds to take his shirt off (!) and expose his gut. What does he do with the shirt? Throws it at Dawn, of course. Sweatty old shirt? Throw it at Dawn! Ray comes in, professional with his suit and tie, while David's standing there shirtless and doesn't seem embarrassed at all. "Here he is!" David says gleefully. "Tina a bit too much for you?" Ray smiles awkwardly and adjusts his tie. David's rubbing off on him already! "That's your job. Hold me back, cos when I'm out there I'm booom and it's like vrrrr... So... it's your job I'm afraid." Wow. Basically he's telling Ray, who hired him for this job, to watch out because he's a loose cannon and won't even try to control his actions on stage. That's the dumbest thing you can ever tell an employer or manager of any kind, because you're basically denying any responsibility for your own actions. How is Ray going to control him on stage, anyway? Is he going to smack David's face and make him normal again?

David throws around his arms, making Dawn step away so he doesn't hit her again. He seems to be all too full of energy right now, like he's on sugar high or something. Maybe he should have had some calming weed before the speech. Dawn tries hard not to look at his gut, but then David puts on spray deodorant, and guess who he sprays it at? Poor Dawn coughs indignantly, but David doesn't even notice. "Tell you what though - they seemed to go for it, didn't they?" says David to Ray. Which audience was he looking at? He must be delusional. They were bored out of their skulls. The earring is still incredibly funny, even if I've seen it throughout the episode. It just serves to mock everything he says and does. Awesome.

"Knock knock," says Jude and walks in. David immediately sucks his gut in fiercely, like he wants to appear handsome in the company of an attractive woman. Note that he doesn't mind Dawn seeing him the way he is, perhaps because she's below his status and therefore automatically attracted to him, no matter what. "Well done," lies Jude with a fake smile. She seems a bit out of breath saying it, like she's trying too hard to appear honest. "What'd you think?" asks David. "Well, my taste's a bit more traditional," Jude says carefully. "Bit too rock'n'roll for you?" asks David. "Possibly," says Jude. "Each his own, each his own," says David. He doesn't say "or her", even if the person he's talking to is a woman, and even if this is probably small potatoes to David, Jude might well be picking up on it as well as his jerky attitude on Dawn. I sure would in her position. David changes to a blue shirt that looks infinitely better on him than the hideous white one, and isn't tucked into his jeans so it doesn't make him look as fat. Why didn't he wear this to the speech? Because he wanted to look like a 12-year-old boy, I guess. He's just so unaware of how he looks to others, and his next comment shows that as well.

"Better warn you now, that was me on a seven. So wait til you see me on a nine or ten, innit!" he says and laughs childishly. So both of the people who hired you basically admitted they didn't like what they saw and you're smirking because you're so outside the box? He manages to sound like he knew they wouldn't like it, because he was going for the average Joe, not these professional consultants. So basically he's saying he knows better than Ray and Jude what appeals to the public, and he's going to act out of control again and they're just gonna have to suck it up cos he can't help himself. Stupid, stupid David. He could have done this well if he didn't have the constant need to impress and be a star. This task didn't require intellect or any real motivational abilities. All he needed to do was spew jargon in a suit and tie like everybody else. But, coming to think of it, that's not what he does in the office either. He wants to be the entertainer, the star.

"Here's your check," says Ray in a little voice that suggests he's holding back what he really thinks. "Thanking you," says David, still chuckling annoyingly. "More importantly though, what pub we going to?" he says with a stupid facial expression and head tilt. Then he chuckles some more. Jude gives Ray a look that says "Rescue me from this madman!" Ray looks just as uncomfortable as she does. "More important than this, 300 quid? I don't think so!" laughs David. Great example of bad jokes in the everyday life. People who don't get laughs always explain their own jokes and/or go too far, which makes it more awkward. "Where are we going?" he asks, apparently seriously. Why does he assume Ray and Jude are going to go out to eat and drink with him? It's not a date, it's just a business speech thing. They're not obligated to give him something to do for the evening. It's a good example of how David always confuses work with personal life and expects his coworkers or employees to be his friends.

Ray says carefully that they can't, they were just going to get something to eat. David, who's punching the air again with childish sound effects, only hears the last part. "Pizza?" he says. Somehow I don't see Ray and Jude as pizza eaters. It seems characteristic for David though. "Nevermind Pizza Express, what about Beer Express first? Next stop - drunkenness! Woo!" He chuckles with his teeth clenched, looking like a fool, and Ray and Jude must be wondering what this already hyper guy is like drunk. David says it can be anything they want - "Chinese, Indian..." Very varied there. "As long as it's... on me," he says and chuckles again, showing the check. He's crumpling it a bit in his hands. I'd take better care of a check than that. Jude laughs a bit forcedly. David puts the lame cap back on. It says "Go Guild!" That must be a reference to something, but I found such weird results on Google that I'm not really sure what to make of it in this context. I'm sure it's not an internet gamer society. Well, sometimes a lame cap is just a lame cap, I guess. "Here we go, the Three Musketeers!" David says and walks out the door without so much as glancing back at Dawn. "Bye," says Jude to Dawn kindly, but without worry what's going to happen to her. As they walk out, Dawn looks around. Does she have a ride back? Does she know what to do with David's stuff? Did she get any kind of thank you from him? I somehow suspect the answer to all these questions is no.

As Dawn starts putting David's things together, we hear Jude say, "I just remembered I can't..." David asks what she means, and she fumbles an obvious excuse: "There's something I have to do." Dawn looks at the camera knowingly. David, of course, doesn't catch the implication and says cheerfully, "Uh oh! Just us two then! What sort of clubs around here?" He's gonna spend the night with Ray too now? "I'm not going to a club," says Ray. "You bloody are! Wohohohohohoo!!" says David. Is he going to make Ray go? I wonder how the episode would have continued if they had showed Ray and David going to a pub together, Ray trying to get out of it all through the evening, and being forced to stay on as David drunkenly babbles and giggles his way through the night. I hope he likes Des'ree songs sung off key.

In the mini-segment after the credits, we see Dawn take her coat on her arm and leave the room, the boombox hanging on her shoulder. She hasn't tucked it into the bag this time, and the cord is hanging loose. It seems like a pretty difficult way of carrying that thing, and maybe it's just her resignation that this lame evening is going to end with calling Lee to pick her up from wherever she is, and carrying David's sweatty shirt with her to their apartment. Where else is she going to take it? The office would be closed by now. David really didn't think ahead. This was a great episode for both David and Dawn and made good use of both Ricky Gervais and Lucy Davis. One of the best episodes ever in my opinion. Bravo!

Season 2, Episode 4, Part 4: "The Gig"

An anonymous hallway somewhere. David walks through the door and along the hallway with Ray and Jude. Their pecking order is clear: Ray first, then David, then Jude - whatever happened to ladies first? Jude really comes off as the less dominating one of the Jude and Ray duo - and then Dawn, far behind them. None of them bother to look back and see if she's OK, and they don't hold the door open for her, either. Harsh. I wonder if Ray and Jude even realize she's with David? The bag seems to be quite heavy for Dawn. Ray says there will be two groups today, both from Reading.

Bored-looking employees are getting seated in the conference room. They're chatting with each other casually. I really wouldn't be too excited by 4 speakers in an hour, all of them veritable jargon-spewing machines. Well, at least David will bring the funny. The unintentional funny, but that's still funny. In a small back room, Ray tells David that the other speakers have given speeches before, so David's going on last. David acts like he isn't even listening. He's punching the air and making childish sound effects with his mouth. He punches really close to Ray's face in slow motion and obviously thinks this is very cool. Ray looks disturbed by it and tries to keep calm and professional. It isn't easy with David. "I love being backstage," David says. Backstage? Um, they're in the back room of some really boring workplace much like his own. At this point, if Ray were a bit more assertive and/or he had any idea what was coming, he could have given David a little speech about taking this seriously, because it's a professional motivational speech, not some standup comedy act.

Ray asks if it's OK to take a photo of David for their website. "You gonna take a light reading?" asks David and glances at the lamps above his head. Ray shows the yellow cheap-looking camera and says it should be OK. Hee! David is acting like, not only is he backstage, it's his backstage. Ray and Jude are journalists and photographers who want to take photos of David the rock star. That's very obvious from his poses, which are so hard to describe in writing, but I'll give it a shot. Ray turns to go to the other side of the room and David takes a pose. Ray turns back to him with his camera ready, but as the camera pans to David, we see he's taken a pose where one of his feet - with sneakers on - is on the table, he's resting his elbow on his knee, and he has his thumb and forefinger on his chin. He looks so dorky like that. And on a closer look, I realize his other hand has the fingers strecthed out on his side. That looks even more posey and fake. David, it's just a headshot for a website! But his poses get worse and worse as Ray suggests he be himself, "you know, a bit more relaxed." Again, the camera goes to Ray and then back to David, who's lying on the table on his stomach, with his hand in his elbows and one of his feet in the air! It's the least relaxed pose you could think of, and the position and his clothes - jeans, white casual shirt, sneakers - have the effect of making him look like an oversized child. Or not even oversized, really, as Gervais is so short. He just looks like a fat child, apart from the beard. "Not quite," says Ray, not sure what to say. Behind him there is a small note that reads, "Everyone's O.K. but me! Help." Is this a reference to David's desperately low self-esteem? David tries another pose, and this time we see him get into the position. He lies on his left side now, spreading his legs so his crotch can be seen quite disturbingly and his gut sacks to the side. He carefully lays his right hand on his knee, as if he's trying to add the cherry on top to make it just perfect. It's like some bizarre parody of an old-time painting. Ray looks at him and tries to find a polite way of saying "Stop acting like you're 20 and look like a Greek god." He settles for, "Maybe if you just sit down." "You're the boss," says David, even if he obviously thinks he's the star of this situation. He grabs a chair, but he turns it backwards so he's leaning his elbows on the back of the chair, and he frames his face with his hands. What does he think this is, a shoot for Vogue magazine? Ray seems to think, "Close enough," and he takes the picture. The camera zooms on Jude's confused and shocked face. Jude, you ain't seen nothing yet.

The audience has settled in and looking bored already. Oh, you guys are in for some fun, but first you need to listen to three normal speeches. Two of the other speakers, dressed professionally, are smoking a joint at a vending machine that seems to offer nothing but various kinds of chips. The Doritos look appealing. "I'm looking forward to this, actually," says Mark Frown from Sound Investments, who won't be introduced til a bit later. David walks in and you can't miss the contrast between him and the other guys. He is, of course, a head shorter, but more importantly, the white cheap-looking shirt really emphasizes how unprofessional he looks compared to the other guys. To make himself look more cool - I think; you never can tell with David though, as he never succeeds in looking cool - he leans on the vending machine and tries to appear self-confident. "Are you talking on this gig as well?" he asks. "Yeah. Just having a sneaky joint," says Mark. David, who wants to appear cool to the new guys, says, "Well, partially decriminalized now anyway. At LAST, so... Go for it." He looks like he doesn't mean it. He grimaces while saying it, looks away for a bit, and his face looks flushed. And why would he be saying this anyway if he didn't disapprove? It's not like the guys asked him for his approval. Every time someone tells you how much they approve of what you're doing, you just know they're doing it because they don't approve, at all. And he's wearing the earring! It still looks ridiculous. I thought he was going to take it off.

"What's it, skunk?" David says, trying to appear interested. "No, it's just weed. Do you want a little taste?" Mark asks and offers it. David quickly shakes his head like he finds the thing repulsive. Mark seems surprised, so David lies that he's on a diet - he taps his belly a bit, but you can only hear it - "and when I get wasted, I get the munchies." Yeah, cos he gets wasted all the time! He's so cool and rock'n'roll! Live fast, die old! That's how he got fat in the first place - always the munchies. Like Scooby-Doo. Dooby-Dooby-Doo. "I'm mad enough without the gear as well," he says. Mark chuckles a bit, though it seems more like he's doing it to be polite. He seems like a nice guy. "I'll take a raincheck though. Catch you later," says David, who can't wait to get away from the evil pot-smokers and their evil pot. You can't even talk about anything but pot with people like that! The guys look a bit confused at his behaviour as he walks away.

The gig begins. Ray introduces the first speaker, Mark Frown the pot-smoker. Mark puts on his jargon generator and starts: "Let me dispel a myth. Just because you're a success in your life, some people will tell you that you shouldn't be able to sleep at night. You should. Why? Because this is a business." Is that really a myth? Maybe I just don't get it because I'm not involved in a business. And may I say that some of the people at the seminar don't exactly look hugely successful. If anything, they look like low-ranking employees who earn five times less than Mark Frown does. I don't think they need his tips on sleeping techniques. We cut to later when another guy says enthusiastically: "Your future hasn't happened yet. You shape it. You're.. in the driving seat. OK? Thanks." Ray thanks him. His name is Richard Clark from Stockport Graphics. Actually, as he goes back to his seat and people applaud, two women in the audience whisper something and smile. So it's either "Ooo, he's so cute" or "That speech was actually good!" The former is more likely, but either way, well done, Richard. As Richard sits down, he seems kind of flustered and nervous. Mark gives him a supportive, friendly smile. I like Mark. I also like Ray, who seems very warm and professional. But then who could top our sad and pathetic anti-hero David? He's up next. Ray tells us he will talk about "motivational techniques". Let's see how many techniques I can count from that speech.

David walks to the top of the room - I can't say stage, because there isn't one; if anything, this looks like a pretty low-quality conference room. He's got his jeans, he's got his shirt, and he's got a backwards cap on that makes the boyish look even worse. He starts off by fingering his belt a bit, but then grabs his backwards cap and flings it to his right. It hits Dawn on the head. Aww, poor Dawn. Even for a hundred, that's some shitty treatment. Dawn rubs her forehead and gives David the stinkeye, but David isn't looking at her, of course. He starts his speech by staring at his audience disapprovingly. With his hands on his hips. What is he, a disappointed schoolmarm? The camera shows the audience who looks back at him, furrowing their brows. They obviously weren't expecting this. David walks up to the door and swings it open. "Get out!" he says. "Go on. I've opened the door for you." I would love it if some of them actually got up and walked out. "Yeah? If you don't wanna make it, go now! Yeah? Save us all a bit of time. If you don't even cut it!" He doesn't look as impressive as he thinks; I wouldn't take this kind of talk from a guy with such a ludicrous earring. After a brief yet oppressive silence, he goes back to the door: "No? Good." Just as he's about to close it, a cleaning lady comes and asks if they're done. David seems offended by this interruption. I loved the cleaning lady part. It just seems kinda realistic if you hold a door open long enough. People will get the wrong idea. And I'm not even sure what the right idea was. So I guess David's motivational technique number one is: don't walk away if... or when... Actually, this cannot be compared to any larger context. How is this supposed to motivate them? Should they feel validated because they stayed?

David, who's lost his train of thought a bit, looks at the door one more time and then gets going. He talks quite fast and seems flustered, so maybe he's nervous. Not that he should be. It's going really well so far, isn't it? He starts with his favorite topic: the good things people think about him. "You're all looking at me and you're thinking, Oh yeah, you're a success. You've achieved your goals, you're reaping the rewards, sure, but oy, Brent! Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollah?" He actually puts one of his hands next to his mouth when he says, "Oy, Brent!" So it's like he's holding a megaphone saying that. Awesome. Also, being successful is not really the message his outfit - and earring - is sending. Plus I bet they've never seen David before and don't know who he is. But still, yeah, anyone who sees him will automatically know him to be a success.

"Let me show you something I always keep with me," he says and picks a tiny book from the backpocket of his jeans. He shows it around, although the book is so small that it's probably invisible to even the people in the front row what the title is. "Just a little book, Collected Meditations. It's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, Native American wisdom..." He says that last part louder, as if it's more meaningful because it's Native American. He even takes a little pause for effect! And looks at the audience like this really proves what a great guy he is. You can tell a faux-deep person by his great enthusiasm in all things Native American. "Which I..." he starts feebly after his pause, but he's looking down and obviously doesn't know what to say about that. Maybe it would have helped to have some sheet notes, David? "And it's.. it's really.. showing you that... err.. that, that... the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. Yeah? It's about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality." David is just so spiritual, an inspiration to us all. If it weren't for him, I would have forgotten to take care of my spiritual side. This is, of course, faux-spirituality - spirituality is something you personally experience and think about, not something you read directly out of the book and memorize. David is showing himself to be a Pithy Phrase.

I notice that he keeps looking at the supersized man sitting in the front row, and I'm not sure if they intended it like that, but to me it seems like the kind of thing you do if you're disturbed by his size, but try to show him that you treat him just the same as everyone else, so you look at him more. I'm not sure though, maybe I'm just reading into this. He is right in front of David, and even if David is a poorly prepared and lame speaker, he does know to make eye contact with his audience, so I'll give him credit for that. "And a... Foreword by Duncan Goodhew." He shows the book again. They can't actually read the foreword, David. Interestingly, Wikipedia mentions that he is a swimmer, an author and a motivational speaker. No wonder they want to mention him during the motivational speech. He also has a total lack of body hair, which has nothing to do with this but is somehow interesting. David puts so much stock into this name that he obviously thinks all motivational speech audiences know Duncan Goodhew personally. "So..." he says. The camera shows the audience, and they look very confused.

"Can I read... one... which I think..." Aww, David, you can do anything you want. You're the speaker! Don't ask for permission! He opens the book on what I'm sure is a randomly selected page, just to appear he knows the book inside out. While he's reading, we see Dawn resting her head on her elbow, looking very bored. Luckily David couldn't care less what she thinks, as long as she's there to carry his enormous boombox. That sounded a bit dirty. "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each his own home again rather than take a portion out of the common stock." I've heard that one before. I'm not sure how motivating it is, really. I mean, yes, even your own miseries are more dear to you than other people's. But does it make the misery any easier to take? Just because others may have it even worse, isn't that a depressing idea? It's a pretty thin consolation. David, of course, has his own reading of it: "It's saying, for the first time, that grass isn't always greener on the other side." That's right, except when you really think about it, both phrases mean the same thing: you might think other people have it better than you, but in most cases, you'd be wrong. David hasn't thought of this angle, or perhaps he's not thinking at all, just saying the first wise-sounding thing that comes to mind.

The speech has derailed quite a bit, but he's trying to save it by making this motivating. "Don't look over your neighbor's fence and go, 'Oo, he's got a better car than me! Oo, he's got a more attractive WIFE.'" He takes a pause for effect. I'm glad the attractive wife ranks right up there after the car in the fictional man's list of possessions. And there are quite a few women - not too attractive ones either - in the audience, which David of course hasn't taken into account. "We all wake up and we go, 'Ahh! I ache! I'm not 18 anymore! I'm thirty-ni... you know, I'm in my thirties...I'm not...'" Would it be so awful to admit to a small group of people you will never meet again that you're 39? Wait, of course it would. This matters. This is his road to the top, the whole world will see him soon. Just like winning the office quiz matters, this is an important event. "But... so what, at least I've got my health! And if you haven't got your health, if you've got one leg... At least I haven't got two legs missing! And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go: At least I'm not dead!" This is so motivating! And here we've actually got a "motivational technique", so let's see. David's tips for motivation:
1. Think you've at least got your health.
2. Think that at least you have all your limbs.
3. Think that at least you're not dead.
I'm more motivated already! They should make a poster out of this. With, like, the picture of a kitten without limbs that is just happy to be alive!

This is a good example of David ruining his own idea by taking it a bit too far. But wait, he's not finished: "I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be.. you know.. put down.. I'm just saying that in my life I'd rather not live without arms and legs. I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing, so in my opinion it's, um..." Obviously he doesn't know what he's saying anymore. No one's asking him to live without arms and legs and it has nothing to do with anything. The best part is that the scene cuts off while he's still mumbling something, so maybe there were even more inappropriate parts. The last thing we see in this chapter is Ray and Jude frowning and looking very confused. Jude looks around to see the reactions of the audiences. She looks quite shocked. Oh, David. This wasn't even such a tough thing to do. Just spew your usual jargon for fifteen minutes. But you had to improvise and bring in collected meditations. I feel sorry for him, but that doesn't mean I don't laugh. A lot.

Season 2, Episode 4, Part 3: "Bluto"

David's office. He's practicing his speech with Gareth and sheet notes, and it seems like it's completely different from the speech he ended up giving. "I think um, Ray'll introduce me, and I'll come out and I'll do a bit of... you know... few gags..." He starts the actual speech part, and his voice sounds kinda silly. It sounds like he's straining to sound "natural", which always comes off as fake. Plus he sounds out of breath and like he's talking loud, but holding it back so it comes out less loud - actually, it's so oxymoronic it's difficult to describe. Pure David, of course. What he's planning to say goes a little something like this: "Right! You gotta be thick-skinned in business! No matter if you're the tea boy or the general manager, people will try to rock your confidence and shake your spirit. Do not listen to them!" Gareth nods as he's talking, as if this is the most profound advice he was ever given. Next, David's going around in the imaginary audience and points at Gareth: "You sir! What's your name?" Gareth says nothing, so David has to actually say, "Say your name." Gareth thinks for a moment and then says in an excited voice: "Leroy!" Hee! He sounds like this is the highpoint of his day, pretending to be a guy named Leroy. David, however, isn't pleased. He asks where this comes from. "The coloured feller off of Fame." Hee! I haven't seen Fame, but if I had, I'd probably know that this particular guy is the worst possible guy to compare with Gareth. The references on The Office tend to work that way. David's annoyed: "What... Use your own name!" And why, exactly? Here he is giving a fictional speech to a fictional audience and using a fictional audience member to show his point, but Gareth isn't allowed to name that fictional audience member. It's like two kids playing and David's the big one who gets to decide everything. The ridiculous earring makes everything he says look like a joke. "Oh. Gareth," says Gareth, disappointed and embarrassed. Awww.

"Hi, Gareth," says David, giving the camera a look that says, "God, he's a handful sometimes." Don't try to be the adult when we've seen you make a fool of yourself so many times. Or at least take the earring off, you're killing me. "Gareth. Insult me, yeah? Let me show you that sticks and stones might break my bones, but names will never hurt me." Then again in his real voice: "Just throw some insults at me, and I'll show you how to roll with the bunches." He snaps his fingers, as if he's already fending off imagined insults. Gareth, who should have picked something a bit more fictional, tells him promptly: "The Swindon lot don't seem to respect you." David immediately gets offended and says in a high-pitched voice: "Why would they say that! They don't know me! They're not gonna know that... and it's not true! Do something else." Just rolling with the punches. Impressive, really. "A lot of people are laughing at the heels on your shoes," offers Gareth. Hee! David's voice rises another octave: "I'm not gonna be wearing the shoes, am I!" Oh, you were planning to change shoes on your way to the speech? Plus he's looking at the camera while he says it, so he must be thinking, "Please don't use this footage", but knowing that of course they will. "Are you gonna be wearing the earring?" asks Gareth, who obviously thinks David meant it when he said "insult me". David is upset to find out that they're laughing at that too.

"What else?" he says angrily. He looks very upset as he puts his hands on his hips and looks at Gareth intensely. His breathing's gotten faster and he's blushing. "They've given you a nickname," says Gareth. "What, the Swindon lot?" asks David, wanting to believe only the worst of Neil's employees. Nice attitude. "Yeah, but everyone's using it," says Gareth honestly. David asks intensely what it is, and Gareth, who seems to pick up on his anger now, starts to backpedal: "Well, I don't really..." David insists. He rubs his eye a bit. The subtle body language is really good in this scene. "Bluto," says Gareth. "The villain from Popeye?" asks David. He acts a bit relieved, as if he was expecting a much worse name. "Is it cos of the beard?" he asks and makes a cup of his hand, touching his chin. "No, it's because he's..." says Gareth, puffing up his cheeks and making a "fat body" gesture. Hee! You can't say the word fat, but you can make gestures that are a lot more rude and make it look worse. "What's that!" shouts David, now really angry. "That's... I can't believe it!" he says and leaves the room to go tell the Swindon people off. Gareth shouts after him: "Don't go round, they'll know it's me that told you! Daviid!"

David walks near the number bods' table and begins insecurely, "Hello... Sorry, everybody." When he gets people's attention, he starts his speech: "Look, we are one big happy family here, yeah?" If you say so, boss... um, I mean, Dad. He just thinks that saying that will make them one big happy family and he doesn't need to make the effort otherwise. "Now, I've been trying to welcome you new guys. I didn't want you here, but you're here... So, you know, well done... welcome." Brenda, Oliver and Rachel look at David with all the respect and love he deserves from them. Ungrateful bastards, what are they waiting for? He said welcome! You can tell at this point that David doesn't care anymore; he thinks the Swinnies are a lost cause and since they're on Neil's side, they're the enemy. Bluto was just the last drop. He continues: "But... if there's one thing I don't like, it's nicknames. Because nicknames are... bad... names." Hee! This is one of my favorite Brent quotes. It's not really that funny on its own, but the way he says it... It sounds like he sets up to say something profound and important, but what he comes up with is "bad names", and once he gets to the word "names", he tries to sell it as something profound, just enunciating it in a way that sounds important. And, of course, he fails to make it sound more significant than it is. "They're not helpful. They can be very hurtful. Not for me, it's like water off a duck's back." Yes, he's really professional about it. Rolling with the punches!

The male Slug who sometimes shows up but has no name points out that David used to call Malcolm Kojak. "That was affectionate! He was a great detective and a fine actor," claims David. Maybe, but if you call someone Kojak because he's bald, and pretend to shine his bald spot, complete with squeaky sound effects, is that also because he was a fine actor? "Well, maybe Mr Toad's affectionate," says male Slug. Hee! It's even funnier than Bluto. "Who's Mr Toad?" asks David, confused. "Some people call you that as well," says Gareth. "I thought I was Bluto," David says. "Yeah, Bluto and Mr Toad," says Gareth. So not only does he have a nickname, he has two. Ouch! And I thought Gareth was worried about people finding out he ratted them out. I guess he forgot about that. "Why am I Mr Toad?" asks David, doing the same thing he did before with Bluto where he pretends to, or initially does, find it funny. Male Slug does the "fat" gesture. David gets really mad this time. "There's that face again! That's an insult, isn't it? Very... body fascism!" Yes, perhaps, though I think the real joke is that he's the boss and employees will always laugh at the boss. Note that when Finchy's making fun of David's weight, he just laughs it off, but when the employees do it, it's suddenly different, even if Finchy's said far worse things than Bluto and Mr Toad. Or maybe it just feels meaner because he always brings it up. "The toad is the ugliest of all the amfibians!" David continues. That cracks me up every time, because he doesn't get the reference. A little culture for you, David, again courtesy of Wikipedia:

Mr. Toad is one of the main characters in The Wind in the Willows. Something of a fop, he is extremely rich, being the village squire and owner of Toad Hall, but is also conceited, impulsive, and lacking in basic common sense.

When you think of it like this, it becomes even less flattering than if it were just his looks that inspired the nickname. And just because toads are the ugliest amphibians, doesn't mean you're ugly or that you look exactly like a toad. Similarity doesn't mean you're identical. If David were smart or had a sense of humor or a good self-esteem, he could have turned this to his benefit. He could have let the employees know he's in on the joke and finds it funny - sending everyone email with the signature Bluto or put a picture of Bluto on the wall or something. That might have earned him some points. Indignant ranting about bad names is the worst thing you can do in a situation like this.

To take the focus away from himself, David turns to the one guy in the office who is fatter than him, and really shows what a hypocrite he is about body image issues. He points at Keith and says, "If we're handing out insults for being fat, let's have a go at him. Look at him!" David points briefly at himself with his sheet notes and says "where.." but ends there. What was he going to say, "whereas I'm much thinner" or something? It seems like he's too angry to even make full sentences at this point. "And he's got glasses. Let's... foureyes as well! Why don't we call him fatty fatty toad boy if...we're... You know, at least start on him and then move on..." Fatty fatty toad boy?! That's brilliant. That's exactly what a seven-year-old would say. David is using typical schoolyard tactics here: if I make fun of this guy, no one will make fun of me! And he'd be less offended if they started on Keith and moved on to him? Hee!

This strikes me as one of the meanest David moments, but at the same time, the reason he's doing it is just to make himself look better, not out of genuine malice. I don't think he realizes what he's doing here. Also, he seems to find glasses pathetic, since he also made fun of them in the Training Day episode. Poor Keith just keeps chewing his gum. He doesn't try to defend himself in any way. I have a feeling he's heard this all before, maybe his whole life. Maybe he also sees himself as fatty fatty toad boy. After making his point, David just stares at Keith angrily for a moment, as if to say: "How can they like this guy over me?!" Then he says in a very indignant voice, "Mr Toad! I can't..." And with nothing more to say, he just walks away. The employees are giving him looks with varying degrees of despise. I wonder what nicknames he got after this?

The copier spews out papers. The box of toner next to the copier says SHARP. Make of that what you will.

Neil is talking to his employees - or, as David would say, "keeping tabs on him" and trying to catch him on something. Oliver talks about something that he did get sort it out, but it was a mess. Neil asks Brenda how she's doing. She says she didn't get her wages. Neil is shocked and concerned to hear this. "Have you told David?" he says. "Yeah, I told him in time," says Brenda. Neil keeps his cool as he tells Brenda that he's sorry and he will sort this out. "I don't wanna cause..." starts Brenda, sensitive to the tension already existing between Neil and David. "No don't worry, it's fine," says Neil. He's made up his mind about David and Brenda can't make it any worse - it's obvious from this episode.

The camera follows Neil as he walks to David's office, where David is doing situps under Gareth's supervision. Hee! You know, I think the theme of this episode overall is David's vanity, and here we have a prime example of that. It looks like he can't really get his head very high up, and he's groaning, so you can tell he hasn't been working out in a while. When he sees Neil, David gets up with some difficulty. "Working hard?" asks Neil in a tone that sounds rather stifled. "Working out," says David. "Fit body, fit mind..." Or maybe fat body, fat mind? "Good," says Neil, not caring a bit. "Um, a couple of things..." But he is interrupted by Gareth who shows David how to breathe after exercising. Standing very straight, he slowly blows air out of his mouth. As usual, it makes him look really gay. And always so keen on any little power he can get, even if it is as David's fitness instructor. Neil asks if David and Gareth got their wages. They both say they did. "Why then has one of your team come to me saying they haven't been paid this month?" The camera zooms on David, the lyric genius who always has the right words on the tip of his tongue: "Ohh... Cos... uh... No." He looks at Gareth while saying it, as if he's trying to think of an excuse on the fly. The "no" sounds so resigned, like he just can't think of anything right now. Maybe he'd benefit from having a card index of excuses ready. Poor David, he looks so busted. And right after Bluto and Mr Toad!

Cut to a David interview, one of the brilliant "David analyzes the situation 100 % wrong to make himself look better" sequences, where David says, "He fears my methods, because he doesn't understand my methods. You know, human nature, the unknown, sure, but relax!" That is one of his most hilarious self-praising analyses. First of all - what "methods"? Secondly, I think Neil understands exactly what's going on: David is a slacker, he comes to work to entertain, he doesn't actually do anything productive. He has no respect for Neil and his employees have no respect for him. When those are your methods, it's pretty hard to not understand them. Thirdly - "human nature, the unknown"? Bwah! It's like David thinks that he's so outside the box that Neil simply can't comprehend the greatness of his way of life. Whenever someone attributes any criticism with the idea that others are "just jealous" of him/her, you know you're dealing with a first class asshole. And this defense is in the same category. David continues: "I don't want all this: oh what you doing, what you doing? How are you doing it? No! Judge me by my results!" He gives a smug little smile that indicates that he's the winner in the end, because his methods may be unorthodox, but his results are great. When, of course, the opposite is true: his results are poor and his methods nonexistant. Judging him by his results was exactly what Neil was doing. Has he ever complained about David's "methods" anyway?

Neil is talking to David, who has taken a very serious and, again, insulted pose. The defiant look on his face is the worst look you can give your boss. "This is NOT the first time you've forgotten something important, it's not the first time this WEEK!" says Neil, who's really getting fed up with David. Gareth is still in the room, and he's standing by the window looking at Neil with his big bird eyes. I think I'd be giving him too much credit if I said he feels like an intruder. "It worries me when someone feels they have to go over your head and come to me." "Snitches," says David. Hee! Neil continues, this time about David's methods: "You know, I've never seen you write anything down. You've got two computers, I don't even know what you use them for." Now that he mentions it, neither do I, though his interest in erasing his page history was telling. "You've gotta have some sort of system." David points at his head: "It's all up there." He manages to look triumphant at this. Um, David? If you keep forgetting stuff, you cannot claim that. "Yeah, but it's not all up there, is it," Neil shoots him down. Because he fears David's methods. He refuses to believe that it could all be up there, because that's just so unorthodox! "Most of it is," says David quickly and glances at the camera with shifty eyes. Hee, so he admits it's not all up there and he has no system?

"Look, David, I'll tell you now, yeah? When I was managing the Swindon branch, our perception of your branch was: they're having a laugh." David, of course, takes this as a compliment: "Thanks very much." Neil responds tiredly: "No, not in a good way, having a laugh, mocking around at the expense of Wernham Hogg." I think he's getting sick of David's idea that entertainment is more important than work. David, who's trying to win the debate for the favor of the idea "fun is the most important thing", claims things would be worse if they weren't having fun. Yeah, they might actually do some work, god forbid! "I'm not interested in that, David," says Neil tiredly. He's probaly realized that conversation is not the best way to get things sorted out with David, because he'll only get childish responses like that. "I get the impression that you'd rather be popular than steer the ship in the right direction," he says, and yeah, he has David pegged. The sarcasm in his voice when he says popular also speaks volumes. I bet he's heard of Bluto and Mr Toad. I wonder if he was there earlier.

"Well, rubbish," says David, but doesn't elaborate, because he can't. Instead, he turns to the previous topic: "And I resent the accusation, because this branch has performed very well." Neil isn't impressed: "It's performed OK, I want it to perform a lot better." David decides to respond with another batch of management jargon: "There you go, what is 'better'? Because I could show you a graph of people vs. task, and where does the line go..." He makes lines going up and down with his hands, which is the perfect movement to go with that speech, because it really makes no sense. People vs task? Seriously, could he be a little more vague? He basically takes the idea of "statistics prove I'm right" to the extreme, because he doesn't even mention any proper statistics. His hands are enough! He can make his own statistics with those! Neil, who has an excellent bullshit detector and a skill of ending a redundant conversation, says: "The line goes where I want it to go. Now if you can't improve your margin and your volume sales with or without making people laugh, you and I are going to have a very serious chat." David looks at him with his mouth curling to a childish pout. He gets petty: "Is that why you're around all the time, keeping tabs on me? Cos I don't need a babysitter." Neil simply says, "Well, with respect, David, I think you do." Touché!

He continues that the motivational speech might affect David's performance at work. "Might"? Try "already has". "That's extracurricular," says David. "Some people play golf." Yeah, well, that has nothing to do with this, and Neil's point was that extracurricular is OK, but not if it affects your work performance. Which David probably realizes. Neil says, "I play golf." "Well there you go," says David, as if that proves him right. It seems so Neil that he plays golf. He's the very model of a professional manager. "Yes, but I'm performing as I want me to perform. You're not performing as I want you to perform," says Neil as David smiles a very childish and angry-looking grin. He's got a point, even if there's a problem to this idea - he might not have the same standards for himself as he has for everyone else, and he might not be as objective to judge his own performance either. David, of course, uses the most childish possible comeback: "I'm performing as I want me to perform." David, you're not in the position to say that. "I don't want you to perform like that," says Neil, as if he suspects - well, ok, knows - that David's expectations are quite low. "It's a good performance," says David, looking more at the camera than at Neil. "Let's agree to disagree," he suggests. That's about the dumbest thing you can say to your boss. "No, let's agree that you agree with me," says Neil. He almost gets up from his chair and just stares at David sternly for a moment - we don't see his face, but we do see David's, and his grin grows a bit pale. Neil has won the debate. "Ooo, you're hard," says David weakly. "Showing off, cos of the.." and he points at the camera. Of course he'd think Neil does that; it's what he himself does. "I think I've made my point, David," says Neil, "I'll see you later." Neil acted professional throughout this convo. David acted like a pouty child. So yeah, I feel for David who's about to lose his job and all, but Neil deserves to win the argument.

David looks after Neil, looking sad and beaten, but he tries to be brave and smile for the camera. Gareth walks behind him and starts massaging his shoulders. This is one of the most homoerotic scenes of the show. It's hilarious, because it seems like David likes it but is worried about how it will look on camera. "What are you doing?" he says to Gareth. "You looked a bit tense," Gareth says. "I am, with him..." says David but doesn't finish his sentence. "That feel nice?" asks Gareth. "Yeah, but..." says David and points at the camera. "Do some more work on your abs," Gareth suggests. "Not now," says David and points at the camera. He stares at the camera, but Gareth just massages him like this is what he's been hired to do. I wonder how far he would go. Would he shave David's back for a nickel? David leans a bit forward so Gareth can tap his shoulders better. This goes on for quite long, but it's hilarious - it's such a natural moment of Garethness. And Davidness.

People working and looking bored as usual. Rachel is putting on makeup for her date with Tim tonight, because she is completely defined by her relationship with Tim. Dawn is getting ready for her big night out with David. She looks longingly at Tim, who's working alone, and walks up to Tim's desk. She peers in David's door and asks, "Is he ready yet?" as if Tim would know. Now she got his attention and didn't seem quite as desperate as she was. Pretty clever, actually. Tim seems amused at David, but as he turns to his computer, Dawn quickly thinks of another topic and asks him what he's doing tonight. "We're probably going to the pub," says Tim. "We is..?" asks Dawn, as if it's any of her business. "Me and Rachel," says Tim. "Rachel, excellent," says Dawn a little too emphatically. "Just a couple of pints." Tim agrees. "Well think of me, stuck with him," says Dawn and laughs a bit. Tim laughs too. Note that she said what she really means again, albeit jokingly - "think of me while you sit there with your girlfriend, because if there were any justice in the world I would be your girlfriend." She even tries to get him to go along, (half?)jokingly, "Oh, you should come... for a laugh." He declines, "No, I think I'd better stay here." "Definitely WISE," says Dawn. She holds on to Tim's hand for a bit and won't let go until she's right at David's door. A very obvious flirtatious move, and a bit desperate there. Tim pretends he doesn't care and gets back to work, but it looks like he's feeling a bit overwhelmed for the moment.

Dawn comes back out with a look of amused shock on her face. David walks after her in tight jeans and a casual white t-shirt, a cap on and his leather coat swung on his shoulder. He looks really, really fat in that shirt and jeans. It's the worst possible outfit. It makes him look like he tries to look 20 years younger, and he probably does. And fails miserably, as usual. He tries to joke about leaving with Dawn, and it turns as awkward as you'd expect: "Wish us luck..on our date. *giggles* It's not a date. She's got a boyfriend. And I'm paying her! What sort of date would that be? I think you know... *giggles* And hundred quid, what would I get for that? Not that I would cos she wouldn't but... Everything, I imagine. I'm not imagining any of it, but I do know what sort of... I'm just..." Heee! He can never just have a subtle innuendo, always has to explain it and make it worse. Dawn looks at him, not so much offended as amused, waiting for him to dig his own hole. Tim looks amused too. "OK, then, there we go. Ah! Carry that, that's what you're being paid for," he says and drops a heavy-looking bag at his feet. Oh, so she's a mule now? Dawn looks after him incredulously and then picks up the bag with some difficulty. And I guess David had to think of some job for her, because he's too (weak) important to carry a bag like that. Dawn's in for the night of her life.