Season 2, Episode 1, Part 3: "A Few Words"

Here we go then, the speech. It might be painful to watch, I really feel for David in this scene. But Neil goes first. He acts self-confident and relaxed and his speech is well-received. Mind you, I didn't think all of his jokes were that funny, but it might be easier to laugh at them because they don't seem as rehearsed as David's. It's not a standup act, it's just a friendly little talk to the employees he knows, which is exactly what David should have done, but he didn't.

"For those of you who don't know me, my name is Neil Godwyn. For those of you who do know me - keep shtum!" The employees laugh. "I'm a man of simple pleasures. I don't need fancy cars, beautiful girls or classy restaurants - so it's a good job I moved to Slough!" Most people laugh - though I see Keith furrowing his brows as though he's offended for Slough - and Neil himself laughs along happily and unselfconsciously. This is the natural touch that's missing from David's speech. "No, it's great to be in Slough, really it is... I just spent a year in Beirut!" No offense to any viewers from Beirut, I guess. Everyone laughs. Neil leans to David and says his name - at this, David gets up and gathers his notes, but as Neil keeps on talking, he looks embarrassed and sits back down - but he's not introducing him to speak; he's simply saying that David has a lot of new responsibility with the new employees, "he'll now have to delegate twice as much work!" That's actually kind of true. The camera shows David grinning from his chair as if he finds all this hilarious. "But there will be perks for him - I'm sure he's looking forward to having a whole new group of MEN underneath him!" The employees laugh and "wooo". Ugh, gay jokes, so old and macho. I know Neil has a macho side to him, and it annoys me. David looks a bit offended at the gay insinuation, but he tries to laugh it off. "Anyway, here's the man at the top of the pile - David Brent!" There is applauding and the employees are in a great mood to welcome him. Except for Keith, who just looks bored and blank. Aww, lighten up, Keith. You're even cuter when you smile.

David gets up nervously and starts talking. Sadly, the first thing he says is an explanation of Neil's joke: "You know how he was saying I'm at the top of the pile... like saying I'm gay. Alright, I'm not gay. In fact, I can honestly say I've never come over a little queer." He makes a little hip movement and giggles childishly. OK, first of all, he didn't have to defend himself against what was obviously a very silly joke. Secondly, that is so not funny. The employees look a bit flustered; some, like Rachel, are actually smiling, while others, like Keith, are just furrowing their brows. David gets visibly nervous that nobody's laughing, and he babbles: "Get to the real stuff.. that's just to what he... he's putting me off..." Yeah, all Neil's fault. He starts reading from his notes. Nothing wrong with having notes if you're having a speech in front of a big audience or something, but lose them in a situation like this. It just looks amateurish and embarrassing.

He begins his actual speech, sounding really nervous. He talks like he's out of breath and doesn't know what to say next. "Welcome to Slough to the... the... the new people..." His face is all red. Aww, poor David. "My name's David Brent. And... I've always been in the paper industry, haven't I? My parents owned a paper shop...until it blew away." No reaction, so he tries to explain it: "Paper? If that wasn't then.. OK." In the background, Neil gives a little friendly smile to recognize the joke. But it's really old and really lame. Plus it's not his own. You know, at least use jokes that you made up. "Yeah... I'm not... I'm not used to public squeaking, I piss-pronunciate a lot of my worms!" David grins and waits for a response. Some of the employees force a little chuckle. David seems downright offended that they didn't laugh: "Do you not... that's the Two Ronnies, that's classic stuff!" And at that, the audience bursts out laughing uncontrollably, because my god, it's the Two Ronnies, how could they miss that. Side-splitting fun.

He's taking too many breaks between the jokes, the speech seems to have no flow at all, and the crowd is getting a bit bored. Someone's cell phone rings. "Turn the... phone off... that's part of it... you're not concentrating... you're not gonna enjoy it as much. Focus. OK." Yeah, it's the phone that rang after those three unfunny jokes that made the person not laugh. Blame your audience when it goes badly, that's always the way to engage them. David takes a deep breath to calm himself down. Then he tries another lame joke, trying an approach similar to Neil's: "Anyway, it's good to have you arriving from Swindon. I heard they dropped an atomic bomb on Swindon! About 15 quid's worth of damage!" This time people look downright offended. Yeah, you don't really joke about that stuff, David. And somehow it's more ok to make fun of Slough where they've just arrived than Swindon that they were forced to leave. It seems a little rude. "OK.. that's.. right," David says and anxiously goes through his notes again. His desperation is getting so painful to watch.

It's not working, so he brings up Eric Hitchmough. Oh god. At least pick TV characters or something people are bound to recognize. Eric Hitchmough isn't exactly a world-class celebrity. And some jokes are never as funny if you weren't there to see the actual event. Ever tried to explain Seinfeld episodes to someone who hasn't seen them? Impossible to bring the funny. "And then Kramer and Darrin take this big ball filled with oil and it falls on Jerry's girlfriend and she's slippery as an eel, so they joke about it." "So..?" "So, that's it. Um, it's really funny when you see it." Coming to think of it, telling them The Office jokes would be even worse. But even if I have tried that, I wouldn't try bringing up Eric bloody Hitchmough.

David starts with, "It's a good thing Eric Hitchmough isn't here! Cos you know what he'd say? 'I don't agree with that in a workplace!'" Nobody laughs. Dawn is biting her nails and Trudy looks like she has no idea what David is on about. David, flustered, starts talking faster and bringing in Columbo and Basil Fawlty, without saying that these are Columbo and Basil Fawlty imitations: "Imagine if Eric was a Los Angeles detective. Be a bit weird, wouldn't it? 'Um, yeah.. One final thing, my wife loves you.. and I don't agree with that in a workplace!' What's that, Eric? You've given up being a Los Angeles detective and started running a hotel in Torquay? 'Yes! Don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it and I don't agree with that in a workplace!"

No one's laughing and David gets even more desperate, as he launches straight into what looks like a "Ministry of Silly Walks" impression while saying "I don't agree with that in a workplace!" The people in the front row flinch away from his legs, which are indeed flailing dangerously close to the audience. Behind him, Jennifer is starting to look embarrassed. She puts her hand on her mouth like "god, what a disaster". David asks the crowd: "Do you not know who Eric Hitchmough is?" This is just embarrassing. Just let it go and try something else, please. "Who's been to the Coventry conference?" One guy has. David asks him if he doesn't know Eric. The guy says, "Well yeah, but I didn't know he talks like that." Ouch. "Talks exactly like that!" says David. Now he turns to Gareth for confirmation, but Gareth says he prefers the stuff about his hand. "I don't do stuff about his hand," claims David. "Yeah, you do - the Wanking Claw," says Gareth. Oo, busted. The employees look kind of appalled and offended at that. Tim furrows his brows in a cute way. Some male employee shakes his head in disgust.

David tries his final, desperate impression. "Has everyone heard of Harry Enfield?" he asks. He has to ask twice, because they all seem pretty reluctant and unresponsive at this point, but they finally say yes. "Then who's this: I do not believe you wanted to do that! Only me!" I've seen Harry Enfield's sketch shows, and the tone David uses is something like Harry's "funny voice", but a bit too exaggerated to really be spot on. Plus he makes this eye-bulging/grimace thing that is meant to make them laugh, but it fails. Everyone just stares at him quietly, and you can see pity on some faces. David stays in the position for a while just so they'd get it, and the humming sound of air conditioning in the background is just so cruel. In the tradition of truly professional comedians, David sits back down and openly voices his disappointment: "Oh come on! You try so hard and that's... ahh."

Neil waits for a moment, then thanks David. "Huh?" David says. "Thanks," says Neil. David replies eloquently: "Whatever. Just..." Aww, he is so disappointed and sad he can't even really speak. He folds up his notes that didn't help him at all. I feel so sorry for him. He leans forward on the chair and just stares sadly at the floor as Neil tells the employees to get some more wine and snacks. Are they having wine at lunchtime? Wow, that's odd. Is this customary in the UK? The camera is still on David as the employees leave the room. He stares straight into the camera, looking so sad. I can barely watch this. Poor David who just wants to be liked.

More mingling. Someone is saying "It wasn't that bad", and I'm not sure if that's in reference to David. Dawn is sitting on the couch, playing with her hair and talking to Brenda. Gareth walks in and can't think of anything better to say to Brenda than: "So you've got a wheelchair." "I have, yeah," says Brenda a little too kindly. I don't know if I'd even answer that if I was in a wheelchair. I'd probably just shoot an angry look at them like I do if people ask me, "Have you put on a little weight?" There's questions and then there's impolite observations that are best kept to the observer. Dawn looks annoyed and embarrassed at Gareth's behaviour. She puts her hand to her temple as Gareth says, "I have a mate who's got a wheelchair. Well, he's not my mate, I don't like him actually." Where did he get that? "Wheelchair Small Talk For Dummies"? "Oh, great," says Brenda, tho she doesn't sound very interested. You know, you could perhaps talk about something other than the wheelchair, like ask about her coming from Swindon, ask her name, or something. But of course you can't, because she's special. Sadly, I must admit wheelchairs make me a bit self-conscious too. I wish they wouldn't, but they do. Still, I wouldn't actually bring it up. Or the fact that I don't like the other guy who's in a wheelchair who has absolutely nothing to do with this situation.

Keith, who is lacking in social skills, is standing on the outskirts of some group still chewing his gum. He's really tall and seems to be a head bigger than everyone else. He's chewing slowly, staring ahead, and I have no reason to believe he's changed the gum since earlier.

Tim and Jennifer are sitting on the sofa, and Jennifer is admiring Tim's suit, which "looks very smart" and "gives the right impression". I like how Jennifer is both powerful and warm, not one of those "get out of my way, I hate men" career women on TV. Tim checks his watch and calls out to Dawn, who looks happy that Tim is paying attention to him. Sadly, he only wants her to check the messages in case someone has called while she was off reception. Again, he acts polite, but Dawn looks sad and rejected as she leaves. It's not just the fact that Tim isn't interested in her anymore, I think; it's the master tone he's assumed, like she works for him now. He no longer sees them as equals, and she's not happy.