Season 1 Deleted Scenes

Before we get to season 2, I'd like to recap the deleted scenes from season 1. There are six of them, and probably there have been more made, but they only included the best ones. It just seems impossible they'd only have these, because they're all pretty good. None of these is completely redundant or completely unfunny. Or maybe it's because of the GENIUS OF GERVAIS/MERCHANT and they can do nothing wrong... Oo, kawaii. Sorry, I easily go into fangirl mode just thinking of how good their stuff is. Never seen something by them I didn't like. OK, let's get to work. Btw, I intend to recap the documentaries too, but not until I've done the whole series.

Episode 1: "Brent the Peacemaker"

We start off by David talking to someone on his sofa. He says people have heard them arguing and came to him - the camera reveals Tim and Gareth sitting on the sofa next to the sad potted plant, which has apparently dropped a leaf, fittingly. David claims "it's a high-pressure job". Is it really? I think the biggest pressure on the employees comes from having to laugh at David's jokes. And fending off boredom. David continues: "Let's agree today... to disagree." Hee, that phrase really doesn't work when you say it like that. Maybe it's because if you use "today" so emphatically, it makes it sound like you're going to say something concrete and not fall back on clichés like "let's agree to disagree". He wants them to "sign something and go on, because life's too short". Cliché count: two.

David wants to hear more about the problem and he asks Tim first: "What annoys you about Gareth?" Before Tim can say anything, Gareth says: "The fact that I respect workplaces, firstly." That is so obnoxious, you don't answer when someone else is asked a question. He could respect Tim's work space by shutting up every now and then. Tim gets really annoyed: "He asked me, ok? he asked me. That's one thing..." Then he goes on to a big list of annoyances about Gareth, all pretty valid: "He's a nuisance, he's smug, he thinks he's a soldier, he's obsessed with the idea of surviving in a post-holocaust world..." Gareth interrupts that he's not obsessed with it, "just because I know how to survive in a situation like that. Where will you be? I'll be laughing, it'll be me and the cockroaches." This is like David's idea of living forever and ever. What is the point of surviving in a world where there's nothing but cockroaches? And he thinks this wins him the argument!

Tim seems to agree with me: "You and the cockroach... Fine, you are a cockroach, so you'll enjoy that." He goes on to say something, but Gareth, offended, interrupts again: "I'm not a cockroach", as if he has to say that. Hee! Think a counter-offense or be quiet, Gareth. Nobody meant you are literally a cockroach. "This is a waste of time," says Tim, frustrated. The camera pans to David again. "No no no no no, no waste of time, keep it going," he says in a smug tone, with the smug expression where he bites his lower lip and his eyelids go down a bit. He points at Tim with his pen. A regular King Solomon. "He thinks the sun shines out of..." starts Tim, but the scene cuts off to later. Too bad, that sentence sounded interesting.

David is holding two agreements. "Now you're gonna sign these, are you on your honor?" he asks. "I do," says Gareth lifting up his left hand, as if he's about to hit the witness stand. "Tim first," says David and reads: "I, the undersigned, agree to stop:
1. Putting Gareth's personal possessions into jelly or any gelatin-based pudding product."
Hee! That's so formal. And he could get around that by using a non-gelatin-based one. Well, I don't know if they make any that jiggle, so it wouldn't be as funny.

"2. Ask before I borrow something from or move something onto or away from his desk."
The wordings are so David. So formal for such a silly purpose, and he's written it by hand. Is this legally binding? Gareth gives Tim a superior look, like "See? The principal says you have to stop bullying me."

Gareth's agreement is as follows:
"I, the undersigned, agree to:
1. Be reasonable when someone ASKS to borrow something.
2. Stop telling Tim how I'd catch and skin a rabbit if I was blinded.
3. To stop discussing how to get into the mindset of a wolf."

Hee! But not a word about the post-holocaust world, so I guess he can still freely discuss that. Gareth is an awesome character, because you can do so much with him. A lot of the deleted scenes seem to involve him, so I wonder if the writers were worried about overusing him and making him less funny. They need not have worried. Gareth looks at David with his big sad eyes while the agreement is read, but his eyes start to wander off and it looks like he's thinking about the mindset of the wolf. It's these little physical things, even above the writing, that make Gareth so funny. David has to wake him up from the thought and he asks to borrow the pen from Tim. "No," says Tim rudely. "David!" says Gareth, again like a telltale to a principal. "Kidding, I'm joking," says Tim tiredly and gives Gareth the pen. "Joking again, innit?" says David and grins at the camera like he found it hilarious. Tim sighs deep and rubs his forehead. And.. scene. I think this would have worked great in the actual episode, but I can't think of a scene they could have cut to make it fit, so maybe I should shut up.

Episode 3: "Gareth Reprimands Brent and Finch"

This scene is actually listed third after the one from episode 4, but let's go in the logical order. In between quiz rounds, Gareth has gathered - hee, "gather" is an anagram of Gareth! - The Dead Parrots into a safe place - outside the men's room, incidentally the same place where David and Gareth are talking in the next one. Gareth comes from the bathroom and tells the guys they have a chance to confess now. "To what?" says David with a voice full of laughter, like this is all a prank. "You've been cheating," says Gareth very seriously and looks both of them in the eye. "No," they both say. "Did you or did you not make a phonecall to get help with a question?" asks Gareth, pointing his pen at David. He is so enjoying the power of being quiz master. "No, they called me, it was the doctor of my Dad's nursing home, thank you," says David. He sounds fairly convincing, tho perhaps a little too fast to defend it. He's also holding his tie the whole time. It's not a lie, per se, because they did call him, but he did also ask them about a question, so Gareth isn't completely wrong. I just wonder who told on them.

"The one with the Japanese sniper..." David adds to remind Gareth of their talk earlier. But he makes it sound like there actually was a Japanese sniper. Imagine a nursing home advertising with that: "Golden Acres - we're the one with the Japanese sniper!" Gareth asks if the sniper is back. David has to tell him again that his Dad is delusional: "He thinks one of the nurses is a Russian spy now, but anyway..." And with that, all suspicions are cleared as Gareth starts thinking of war-related stuff. He talks about Russians like it's still World War II: "Russians are crafty. They'll often pose as someone you trust, like a nurse or a doctor or a farmer." Often, as in... this actually happened in his own life? Or often, as in: he's seen it in James Bond movies? Hey, someone you trust - maybe David Brent is actually a Russian spy. He's just masking as the boss from hell; he's really there just to test Gareth's emotional and physical strength. Finchy, who can never resist making a dirty joke, says something about not trusting a nurse if he wants to get a screw, or not trusting a nurse UNLESS he wants to get a screw, or something. David, of course, thinks this is ingenius and wants to high-five Finchy, but Finchy thinks he's about to rub fists and holds out his fist. So David hits his hand on Finchy's fist and it hurts a bit. That's actually a nice subtle way of showing they try to be so young and hip and fail every time.

Back at the quiz, Dawn and Tim have their little pencil spiel, which I recapped in the actual episode. I'll only mention that you can tell this is an outtake, because it somehow looks more staged than in the actual episode. The lights look more studio-esque and Tim's voice sounds a bit like he's talking in a big spacious room with high walls, not in a small crowded pub. These must be things they fix afterwards.

We go back for a moment to Gareth, David, and Finchy. Gareth is serious again as he says he doesn't mind "asking the boss difficult questions" if it means the quiz is fair; "and that's why I was made security officer. I don't want any leak of security in a quiz situation." He's pretty much lecturing to David, who looks kind of annoyed and perhaps a bit guilty, but as he's about to say something, they cut back to the quiz room, where Tim is reading Gareth's questions. "Round 4 is called the Great Apes, so get these answers down: Orangutan, gibbon, doctor's ass, chimpanzee, Charlton Heston, bananas, 'It was Earth all along'." He cracks up a bit at "doctor's ass" and "bananas". Dawn looks at him with an amused and admiring smile, while Lee looks serious. I think it's a cool scene, a very Tim thing to do. And if you haven't seen the Simpsons scene with the musical "Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off!", watch it now.

As he sees Gareth coming back, he quickly rearranges the cards and goes over to another table to talk to another team, as it were. Gareth returns with the Dead Parrots and tells Tim, "Do you wanna, eh..." "Sorry, see you later," says Tim to the others. Nice cover-up. And Gareth is pointing his pen at Tim again! He acts like it's one of those sticks teachers have in class. "Sorry about that everyone, official quiz business, I'm afraid," says Gareth in the microphone. There's nothing official about this quiz, Gareth, so you can drop the formality a couple of notches. "OK, round 4 is Great Apes. It's all about apes." Dawn giggles as she writes the right answers down with Lee. Question one starts with: "In the film Every Which Way But Loose..."and it cuts off there. But we all know the answer is Orangutan. Can I add that I think it's funny there are two guys named after monkeys on the show, even if both are peripheral characters: Monkey Alan, of course, and Pete Gibbons. I wonder if that's a conscious choice.

Episode 4: "Thoughts on Music"

David interviews: "You've seen the music and yeah, it's good." Wow, he can openly admit his own stuff is good. A skill that so rarely coincides with actual talent. "And now people are going: 'What are you doing here? You're better than most stuff in the charts'." Yeah, I'm sure they're all saying that. It's cute how he's always telling us what we, the viewers, are thinking. Of course, this is before the documentary supposedly aired, so he's not only a mind reader, but also sees to the future. Impressive. "And if there's a record company watching and going, 'Yeah, let's sign him up' - Whoa." He lifts a finger. Just one company? You'd think they all want their hands on him after hearing Free Love Freeway. "If having a hit record was just about talent, discipline, yeah, then you'd have a nr 1 in your hands with me, but it ain't." Discipline?! I've never seen him show discipline with himself or anyone else. Not that he has any talent either. "Which is why I decided to stick to selling paper and not records. No bullshit, yeah? I don't play head games with anyone." As if selling paper and selling records are the same branch, you just pick which one you prefer. He closes with the idea that he can be flexible if they insist: "Let's ship some bloody units, if that's what you want, just get off my back."Poor David. The record companies are just begging for him to join their ranks. Much like the board of directors.

During the break from training, Gareth and David are walking down the corridor discussing what they would take with them on a deserted island. Gareth says: "You have to take Shakespeare and the Bible, that's a waste of time, but that's the law, so..." You know, Gareth, you might wanna try those books, they might give you a little more perspective... Or at least common knowledge. David recaps that you can bring one book, seven albums, and "one luxury item." Gareth laughs at the people who pick a year's supply of chocolate - sounds good to me - or a piano for their luxury item. "I think they're missing the point," he says. David says, "Yeah" and laughs, and I wonder what his luxury item would be. A video camera he can talk to, so his wisdom will live on to those who find it? His guitar and recorder so he can still write songs? Gareth says he'd bring a Swiss army knife: "I wouldn't need to because I have one on me anyway", and he shows a little pocket knife he keeps in his pocket. I'm sure he has a lot of use for it in the office. And I didn't know you get to keep everything you have in your pockets as well.David doesn't seem interested in the knife. He asks what albums Gareth would pick. Gareth is about to open the bathroom door, but then asks David: "Are you coming in?" "No," says David and casts a quick, annoyed-looking glance at the camera, as if he feels grossed out by the idea that the camera would follow them in there. Gareth takes his hand off the door handle.

Gareth says he would like some with animal noises for identification, birdsong and "one with just predators, like to frighten away wolfs". "Jackals?" asks David. "Yeah, depending on where I am." Wouldn't you be attracting some predators by playing the noises they make? Wouldn't they think they need to join you or fight you? But maybe I should trust Gareth. He's the survival expert. "One spoken word one just talking about health stuff, you know, what plants to eat..." Not a bad idea, though I think it would be better to have a book for identifying the plants, so you'd have the pictures. Also, Gareth has obviously given this a lot of thought. David interjects: "What lumps are growing where...", gesturing his crotch, it seems. Eww. And I think that if you have lumps growing and you're on a deserted island somewhere, the chances are you will die, because there is no doctor. Unless the album comes with a self-help kit for performing surgery. David adds something about sucking something out, which I'd rather not discuss further. "Making..." he starts, but doesn't continue, and I don't think he even knows where that sentence was going.

Gareth thinks for a moment, then picks Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrissette, without any real explanation. Oh no! I like Alanis Morrissette. Does that mean I'm like Gareth? I'm not sure what the joke is - that Alanis was seen as a feminist singer while Gareth is so macho and sexist, maybe? Actually, I'm not sure if she was seen as a feminist singer. I was 15 when that album came out and knew very little about feminism. "It's a bloody good album, yeah," says David too. I'm really worried about my music taste now. "Something by The Tights," Gareth adds. "How many is that?" "Five," says David. Gareth gives a little "thinking" sound: t-t-t-t-t... But he can't think of more, and the scene is cut off rather abruptly.

I can actually see why this scene was cut. It's not as funny as the other stuff in that episode, and it's a bit long. David's interview bit would have worked well though, and I'm wondering if the writers just thought it was overkill - it's fairly obvious why he brings the guitar and sings his songs. He obviously wants the record companies to be interested. So maybe the writers thought that they can trust us to pick that up ourselves. Still fun to see it in the deleted scenes though.

Episode 5: Gareth on the Pull

In the only silent deleted scene (the club music playing on the background), we're at Chasers again. Gareth watches as a man puts salt on a woman's neck, licks it off, then drinks a tequila and bites a lemon wedge she has balanced between her head and neck. Gareth stares at them like a little boy who just found out what happens between men and women who love each other very much. He walks up to a tall blonde, shows her the shot glass, the salt and the lemon wedge. She looks interested, until Gareth stupidly SQUEEZES the lemon while showing it to her, and it squirts in her eye, which seems to hurt a lot. Gareth looks around him, embarrassed. Hee! It's a cute little scene, but I can understand why they cut it; it doesn't really add anything to the Gareth character, and it's a bit too similar to the Rasta Girl scene where he hits her by mistake. I still liked it, though - it shows how he always ultimately fails to be The Man.

Episode 5: "Slough by John Betjeman"

This is an alternate scene, not a completely deleted one. It seems to be cut for length, but they taped a completely new version for the show; David doesn't say the things in the same order and some of the comments are slightly different. I like this longer version better, because he reads almost the whole poem. I'll only recap the new or different bits.

David starts this version by saying, "This is something that has always wound me up." You mean something that really grinds your gears? He says the same thing about bombs that he did on the episode, but this time he continues to the next line: "There isn't grass to graze a cow - Good. We've got one of the biggest dairies in the South East down the road, so we don't need a cow." And the dairy uses completely non-cow products? It's nice how his defense is based on exactly what Betjeman seems to be criticizing - mass production and the loss of a connection with nature. "Come bombs and blow to smithereens, those air-conditioned bright canteens - Good. I like to see what I'm eating." Yeah, how dumb to complain about the lights in a canteen.
"Uh.. Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned meat, tinned minds, tinned bre..." It's interesting that he stops short, obviously without thinking of what "tinned minds" and "tinned breath" means. He got past the part he wants to comment on: the obvious physical things, tinned food. "Oh, he's having a go at tinned fruit now, which I think... You know, if we're being bombed, we'd in the air raid shelter, love me some tinned fruit... So laughing at him." Yes, surely he's talking about the life after the bombings he mentioned in the beginning, because it's a few lines above this line, so it must come chronologically first. I love how his whole reading is based on the idea that Betjeman somehow meant the bombs to help Slough and the people there. David, he's gunning you down too.

"It's not their fault they do not know the birdsong from the radio, it's not their fault they often go to Maidenhead. There's nothing wrong with Maidenhead!" He says Maidenhead is "a lovely town", while some other town I don't hear properly is "a shithole". Note that he didn't comment on the birdsong. I'm too clueless about British history to really know what the Maidenhead thing was meant to refer to, but I'm quite sure it isn't meant to simply bash the town. Just like Slough was probably meant to refer to a broader societal issue. Unaware that poetry can actually mean something deeper than the concrete things it seems to be discussing, David continues: "And looking at the index, oh, he's a having a go at Croydon, Westgate-on-Sea...I've never been there..." He seems to be thinking out loud a bit, trying to find cities he has been to. "Lemington, now I've been to a conference in Lemington, and it's a lovely spa town, especially compared to Coventry down the road, which proves my point: you don't sort a town out with extensive bombing. So..." Yes, that radical Betjeman who thinks you can improve a city by bombing it. David should have done more poetry readings. He's such a natural.

Episode 6: "Gareth's Anxiety"

Gareth interview. This scene must be meant to come before David walks in, but Tainted Love plays. So they've changed the place of the song. Coming to think of it, Lucky Like This was playing in the Gareth lemon squirt scene, so they changed the place of that one too. Gareth talks about the possibility of losing his job. He says it's the first time he feels this way: "I feel discarded. I mean, I understand that you have to throw away the dead wood, or the rotten apple to save the barrel. It's like if you find a lump on your testicle, then you've got to lose it for the greater good and live on without it. It's just that I've always thought of myself... as a healthy testicle!" And he gives a puppy-eyes look at the camera. Aww, poor Gareth. There are, as usual, several things wrong with what he's saying. Firstly, cutbacks are not the same as firing bad employees. Most of the employees being fired are going to be people who worked there for many years and did their job well, and that's what makes it so unfair. Secondly and more obviously.... a healthy testicle? Hee! I bet his friends will never let him hear the end of that once they see the documentary. It's a classic example of David or Gareth getting mixed up in their own simile so that it goes totally wrong, even if the original point was clear. Maybe Gareth should stick to the safe clichés. They may be boring, but they don't give people disgusting mental images.

And that's all of season 1! Season 2 recaps here starting tomorrow.