Sheila and Keith have apparently survived pub lunch and are now at work at the number bods' table. Oliver's computer has a "pipe dream" screensaver. It looks so archaic, but I guess it's still available in Windows. I haven't used it in years myself.
Rachel is in the tiny office kitchen that doesn't have a door. It's even tinier than the kitchen at my work. Unrealistically enough, Rachel's the only one there. Now, what I've learned about tiny office kitchens is that you're never the only one there. Just like ATMs, they may appear deserted, but just before you get there, someone else will dart in and you will be forced to wait in line or awkwardly juggle your coffee mug and try not to spill on them in the small space. There's a note behind Rachel that says: "PLEASE WASH YOUR OWN MUG AND DO YOUR BIT TO KEEP THE KITCHEN CLEAN!!!!! THANKS MALCOLM." Wow. I never knew Malcolm was such a tightwad about kitchen cleanliness. Have I mentioned that I hate excessive caps and exclamation points? WELL, I DO!!!!! That bit, however, is realistic. At my work, there's a note that says, "4-5 spoonfuls is a suitable amount of coffee for most people. Don't pour in the whole package! Love, 'Running out of Alca-Selzer' " and someone has written on it in pencil: "Add milk in your coffee". It's all a part of the joys of a joint kitchen at work. Wow, I had a lot to say about the setting before anything even happened.
Gareth sneaks in - or so it seems; he could just pretend to walk into the kitchen, minding his own business, but he chooses to lurk outside the kitchen and peek inside first, which makes him look like a stalker. Then he walks into the kitchen and says, "Alright? Hi." Rachel looks ever so slightly annoyed that Gareth is there, but manages to say, "Hellooo" in a friendly enough way. Gareth gets straight to the point: "You don't have a boyfriend, do you?" "Nope," says Rachel without blinking - she's used to his blunt style now. "Any kids from previous marriages or anything..?" Gareth asks. Wow, that's pretty blunt even for him. "Uh...no," says Rachel, turning to him for a moment. She's being a good sport about it. I would have told him to piss off, because he's not getting any. Gareth's looking at the floor as if he has to summon his strength, as he asks, "Would you like to come out for a drink with me tonight?" Rachel turns to face him and looks him in the eye as she says, "I can't, I'm afraid, I'm going out with Tim, so..." She even seems to feel for him a bit. Way too nice. "Tonight?" says Gareth. "Can I come?" Hee! Yes, you should be there to watch that Tim doesn't go too far with your girl. "Uh, not really," says Rachel. Now Gareth chooses to step over the line some more: "You're not planning getting off with him or anything..?" He acts like he owns her! But of course - he saw her first. We should consider that. "Look, I don't think this is any of your business," says Rachel, finally letting her annoyance show. Gareth immediately retreats and apologizes, but he ruins it by giving her a permission to go, as if she asked for it: "You go out, have a drink by all means, enjoy yourself." She must feel relieved that Gareth gives her permission, cos she really cares what he thinks. Then he delivers this atrocity: "Just know that if you don't go all the way with Tim, I'll still be interested." Ehh. Even from Gareth, that's pretty bad. But still, it's Gareth, and like Gervais says in the documentary, he's got this little vulnerable bird face and it's impossible to hate him. Aww, Gareth. Rachel turns to face him, but he's looking at the ground. Aww. "Thanks, it's good to know I have something to fall back on," says Rachel. I hope Gareth gets the hint that he's a consolation prize to her, if even that. And that, you know, she's being sarcastic here. I don't think he does though. Rachel, playing with her necklace, keeps looking straight at Gareth, probably knowing it makes him self-conscious. "What if I do go all the way with Tim, but I want a little more with you?" she asks. I don't think it's the first time she's had to deal with a guy like this. Her smile says that she thinks Gareth will be shamed and shut up, but of course, Gareth doesn't understand sarcasm and instead replies seriously, "I don't usually do sloppy seconds, but I judge every case by its individual merits, so...we'll cross that river when we come to it." Hee! That's so perfect, one of his best lines, I think, because who else would take a question like that seriously? And the formal wording which sounds so un-Gareth. Rachel looks kind of disgusted now. "Thanks, that's good to know," she says, and her vigorous head-nodding shows that she's just sustaining herself from slapping him in the face. "No problem," says Gareth. He's looking at the ground again, so maybe he realizes the situation is a bit sensitive. He nods at her and walks away. Rachel is left staring at him with disbelief. See, Rachel, Gareth has zero respect for women. I think she knows now.
Jamie walks into the kitchen, asking if there's any coffee (or tea) left. She says it's just boiling and moves away from the kitchen. Gareth comes back and says, "Actually, one amendment. If you do go all the way with Tim and you expect me to go in there..." He points at the appropriate part of her body, like eww, didn't you have any other way of expressing that, Gareth? "...afterwards... Make sure he wears a condom. Right? Sort of a rule." And he walks away. Now - wow. Not only did he not care that Jamie was there, it's also a really gross thing to say to her. Jamie looks really uncomfortable. When Gareth points at her, his gaze follows the finger - probably unconsciously - and he's left staring somewhere between Gareth and Rachel, trying not to intrude on the moment. Just one of those brilliant awkward Office moments. And so Rachel became the office slut. Only we don't know if Jamie ever told anyone. It doesn't help that Rachel's shirt reads, "Fallen Angel", complete with wings in the back. Jamie, just to get the situation back to normal, asks if there's milk. "Yeah, um.. it's in the fridge," says Rachel and walks away looking horrified. Aww, poor Rachel. You should have slapped Gareth when you had the chance.
David looking sad in his office, leaning back in his chair and staring out the window. People are leaving work. Dawn is wearing a beige overcoat and closing up reception. We see a shot of the office the way it is when people are leaving: computers saying "It's now safe to turn off your computer", the lights low. Dawn visits David's room - don't go there, Dawn! Run home! Save yourself! - and drops off some folder. David asks her to call some business for work related stuff. He also asks her to type up the appraisals - he shows a "typing" motion. Dawn promises to do that. She says, "See you Monday", quite cheerfully, knowing she doesn't have to see him in two whole days. But just as she's leaving, David pulls her back in! "Dawn, I'm fed up!" he says. It sounds like quite a spontaneous outburst, like he just can't take it without talking to someone. And as he has no friends, it has to be the receptionist. Kinda sad when you think about it. He continues more calmly, "I'm fed up to be honest..Just I..." The camera, by the way, is behind the Venetian blinds, and David probably doesn't realize it's there. The picture jumps slightly a few times, creating the idea that a cameraman is hiding and trying to get a good angle on the secret life of David Brent's office.
"Ooh, why?" says Dawn compassionately. "This place. Don't say anything, but this... sometimes I think it's a right shithole." Wow. I thought it was your family, David, your pie? "Do you?" asks Dawn, not because she wants to but because she has to after that. "Yeah," says David. He looks more serious than ever before during the show, and really tired and worn out. Aww. "Do you think I'm funny?" he asks. "Mm hmm, yeah," says Dawn in a very forced way. "Do you think Neil's funny?" continues David and tells her to sit down. "You know, I don't really.. .know him, David...," says Dawn, trying to make it sound like she's biased. "But he's not funnier than me?" asks David. "No, definitely not," says Dawn with a sighing sound. I think she's trying to sound emphatic, but she's lying, so she has to adjust her breathing a bit to make it more realistic. Great acting here from Lucy Davis. "I wish you'd tell that to the Swindon lot. Miserable bunch of..." Wow. David, if they don't think you're funny, let it go. You still have to be their boss. "Boring," he continues. Yeah. It was they who were boring, not you.
"Mmh," says Dawn, because what more can she say? She's staring away from David, and you can really tell she feels uncomfortable with this whole conversation. David, perhaps sensing that, shifts to a lighter gear: "What's your favorite stuff that I do, comedy wise?" Hee, comedy wise. Dawn looks like she's really straining to think of something. "Ahh.. There's too much," she says to buy time. "Impressions?" suggests David. "Yes," says Dawn, relieved. "Which ones?" he asks. "Ahh...Which ones are there again..." says Dawn and puts her hand on her nose in an embarrassed gesture. It's so bad. If you have to drill people about what they like in your work, they don't like it. But David obliviously offers his "best" ones: "Kermit! Welcome to the .. uh uh... Muppet Show!" he says in a very poor imitation, complete with hand motions. "Hiya, frog!" he suddenly screams and makes a movement with his hand. Dawn flinches. "That's Miss Piggy. You know Kermit's nephew Robin?" and he does a very Eric Hitchmough-like voice singing: "Halfway up the stair is the stair where I sit," holding his hands in a guinea pig position.
Dawn, getting in the mood, asks, "Do you do Gonzo?" but of course David doesn't. "Do you want a beer?" he says to evade embarrassment. "I can't go to the pub," stammers Dawn. "No need, got some here, ready, for emergences." Dawn stares as David takes a few beers from under his desk and opens one for her. Seriously, he keeps beer at work? Wow, he must really be an alcoholic. No wonder he got so offended when Dawn joked about his drinking. He comes back around the desk on his chair and clinks bottles with Dawn: "Cheers." Dawn is now looking completely uneasy. She inhales sharply as if to gather her strength to say she must be off, but David picks up a little notebook from the table and says he was going through "some old poetry I used to do." Hee! Of course. He can do anything! Poetry, song lyrics, motivational speaking, and of course stand up comedy. Dawn has to say she didn't know he writes poetry and pretend like she cares, which she doesn't do. "Big time," says David. A notebook in your desk top drawer is not big time. It's fourth grade. If you ever wrote a whole collection and sent it to a publisher, that's big time. "Sort of powerful stuff. Shall I read one to you?" There's a particular curse among us: men - sometimes talented, albeit rarely - who really wish to share their art with you. It's so embarrassing. They will not listen to any criticism, usually, so you just have to suck it up and smile, just like when your old aunt is telling you about her histerectomy that she had five years ago. It's equally uncomfortable, yet fun to laugh at afterwards. So let's laugh at David with Dawn, who probably told Lee this story and laughed over the weekend. I still feel sorry for her though.
David's poem is as follows:
Excalibur
"I froze your tears and made a dagger
And stabbed it in my cock forever
It sits there like Excalibur.
Are you my Arthur? Say you are.
Take this cold, dark, steeled blade!
Steal it, sheath it in your lake.
I'd drown with you to be together.
Must you breathe? Cos I need heaven."
It's one of those times when it's hard to even write anything because I'm too busy laughing. I almost feel like it's perfect in itself without commentary, but here's a few thoughts. First of all, it's brilliant in that it really seems like a bad, yet seriously intended poem by an amateur. They didn't take the stupidity too far - the rhymes are all serious-sounding, only the style and content is Brentish. My question is - how can you stab a metaphorical dagger in your (metaphorical?) cock, and even if you could, why would you? I mean, he stabbed it there himself! Now he's begging for someone to take it off! Is the you in "froze yours tears" the same you as in "Are you my Arthur?" I feel like I should know more about the story of King Arthur, but didn't he get Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake, and not the other way around? Also note that the poem is called Excalibur, but he has to point out that the dagger sits in his cock like Excalibur. Just in case someone might miss it. And as Tim would say, it sounds a bit gay.And the last line... Hee, it's just too good to spoil with commentary.
Dawn's reactions are priceless. When David says "cock", a barely sustained disgust registers on her face. When he gets to "say you are", she says, "Good," as if to stop him, but he goes on in a stronger voice, which makes me wonder if he already had a few beers before Dawn walked in. When he stops, Dawn says, "P-powerful..." Luckily David doesn't need assurance from her tone. He says, "Very," as if he's talking about someone else's poem. Well, he wouldn't be as generous with praise then, especially if it was Neil's. He drinks some beer. Then he takes the bottle to this lips and blows into it, making a slight whistling sound. Wow, he's such a barrel of... I mean a beer bottle... of laughs. Dawn looks very unhappy. Credits roll, and in the final bit, we see David teaching Dawn to whistle with a beer bottle. Dawn shyly blows into the bottle, and David nods seriously, still holding his "book of poetry". Hee! He looks quite drunk. Have a nice weekend, Dawn, if you ever get out.
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