Season 2, Episode 4, Part 2: "I'm an Educator"

David is still telling the camera about what a great motivational speaker he is. "Um... I'm an educator." More like "uneducated". Who does he educate and at what? I suppose it's one of those words that are easy to use, because if you teach anyone anything, you can call yourself an educator, right? David has taught his employees to avoid him at all costs, especially when he has that "I've got a joke for you!" grin on his face. Valuable lesson. "I'm a motivator of people. I excite their imaginations." Hee! Yes, really. Look around the office, you see people who really reached their goals and realized their dreams because of David. Like Tim and Dawn.

"It's like bloody Dead Poets' Society sometimes out there. You know in the end, where they all stand on the tables and... I wouldn't want them to stand on the tables, literally, it's against health and safety for one thing, but my point is this: life is about communication." But since the idea of DPS was basically that Robin Williams challenges authority and revolutionizes the techniques of the establishment - see also Patch Adams and a few other Robin Williams movies - I think mentioning health and safety regulations is a sure sign that you're not like DPS. It's like you want to be a rebel, but within the rules. Also, DPS wasn't actually all that rebellious a movie. DPS was to boys what Mona Lisa Smile was to girls - a nostalgic look back on the injustices of yore with that self-satisfied feel of "things are much better nowadays". I guess David's idea of rebellion against authority is based on models like this, and thinking about it, that's a very David way of thinking. It's like he never goes into the issues more deeply, he just knows the stereotypical surface scratch of rebellion or exciting someone's imagination, and that is best exemplified with DPS. Nice touch.

Then he delivers this dialogue with, eh, himself? It's like the ultimate fictional "person" in his self-praising speeches, because this one actually talks back and is willing to pay him for being so awesome: "We live for three square year and ten, and it's: Did I communicate? Yes, you did. Did I get something across? Yes, you did. Are you gonna pay me for it? Yes, lots. Thanks very much, not why I do it, but thank you." Right, because the payment thing is a complete afterthought, not the climax of that idea, at all. I'm loving it.

People working, their imaginations excited by David's presence. They only look bored on the surface. Inside they're boiling with excitement!

Simon the computer geek is at Gareth's computer now. Of course, Gareth leeches onto anyone who thinks he's cool - note that he doesn't actually have to be cool - and feels more validated if that person so much as spits on him. It's kind of sad. Gareth opens the conversation by saying he's going carting with his friends. Simon asks if he's any good, and Gareth says he came first and points at a certificate he got - he put it on the wall? At work? Hee, such an achievement really! - and Simon glances at it quickly. Then he launches into this completely unbelievable self-praising speech, hilarious in its sheer impossibility: "Well, I went there the first day it opened, right? Did a couple of laps, pulled over, the bloke that runs the thing came over and said, 'Oy, no professionals.' I took my helmet off and said I'm not a professional. He said, 'You're not a professional?' I said, 'No.' He said, 'Well, you should be. If I was you I'd take up Formula 1. If you drive like that you'd probably be the best in the country.' I said, 'I'm not interested, I'm making shitloads out of computers.'" Behind him, Tim is looking like he can't believe it. Now, it just so happens that my brother "Josh" is in computers, and this is exactly the kind of story you might hear from him. The way he talks about stuff, he knows someone from every field known to man, and he always has some opinion about any issue, because his friend in that field knows what he's talking about, and he said... It's really really annoying. Also: self-praise. Most of his stories have incongruities, and most of them will be retold to you in a different version later on - like, it happened to his friend, but the next time he tells you the story, it happened to him. It's really hard to take him seriously. Josh isn't quite as rude to others as Simon is, though.

Another story about doing "speedway": "Right, well, I was doing it once, and I was bombing it round. And some idiot had left like a ramp thing out. I could see the people going, 'Oh my god! If that guy hits that ramp going at that speed, he's definitely dead. I hit the ramp, I took off in the air, I turned over in the air, they were going, 'Well, he's definitely dead now.' I landed on my wheels, pulled over and said, 'What were you worried about?'" Riight. It sounds very credible, because a) he turned over in the air?!, b) he knew exactly what the people outside the car were thinking, because of what exactly? He can read their minds? And I mean... Who does he think he is, some action hero? Hee at this whole story, and double hee at Tim's wide-eyed amazement at how much bullshit this guy can actually feed at Gareth. Gareth's dreamy expression says that he's not entirely sure, but this might well have happened, and if so, Simon's a real hero to him.

Neil is talking to Dawn. "Um, about five?" says Dawn unsurely. "Five. So who's this chap with you?" Dawn is about to answer as David walks in, not wanting any of his staff to talk to Neil, who is basically the enemy. David tries to joke about them having a meeting, though obviously he is really annoyed that Neil will go to Dawn, and worried that Dawn will say something that looks unfavorable to him. Neil tells him Dawn's shutting down reception at five. "Well... just a half-hour early today," David says and plays with his tie. He could, of course, mention that Dawn is leaving early because of him. Neil asks if they can do without Dawn. David says people can "answer their own phones and do their own post tonight, just..." Neil, who's obviously going somewhere with this, says, "That's good. So we can probably lose her altogether then, can't we? If we don't need a receptionist, we might as well let her go. Either she's needed or she's not!" David, furrowing his brows, says they do need her. "My point is, David, you haven't put a system in place. For your own needs, you've told Dawn to shut down reception at five." Yes. Thank you. See David, she isn't your personal secretary and you can't just take her with you whenever you feel like it. "You haven't told these people they can pick up the phone if it rings. Does Dawn know that they can do their own post?" David stupidly tells Dawn, "Dawn, they can do their own post tonight." Beep! Wrong answer. If your boss scolds you, just admit to it and tell him you'll do better next time.

Neil, who's really getting fed up with David's "management style", continues: "It's just that there's no system in place. You're not thinking things thru. I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking, David." Jennifer, who visited considerably less, wouldn't have noticed things like this, but Neil does. In one way, I'm glad to see David told he is not a good boss. Maybe it's because I've seen him compliment himself so much that someone needs to tell him the truth. David uses the wrong tactics again: "Alright, chill out, don't have a cow at me." David. You did something wrong. Your boss is lecturing you for a reason. Take it, don't tell him off. Neil isn't taking it: "Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in charge here. Let me remind you: I'm your boss. OK?" "Yeah, yeah, I just..." David fuddles insecurely. "Just try to think things thru," Neil finishes and walks away. Dawn looks very embarrassed to have witnessed this. David grins at the camera like, "Oo, that Neil, always so moody!" He also looks embarrassed. He tells Dawn, "That was your fault, innit? Took the rap for you, didn't I?" He walks away to sulk, while Dawn sits there giving him a much deserved stinkeye. David Brent - assertiveness and guidance training in business. If someone criticizes me, it's your fault.

A group of really excited employees working. The atmosphere is rising all the time. They're basically getting up on their desks as we speak. Oh no! Remember the health and safety rules!

More Simon. OK, I think the Simon scenes are funny - not as funny as what usually goes on the show, but definitely better than having a bunch of Rachel and Tim scenes. However, I think they could have scattered them around the episodes a bit. It seems excessive to have three of these in the same episode, within the same chapter. Anyhoo, Simon starts telling Gareth a story: "Once, right, when Bruce Lee was filming, one of the extras came over and started a fight." Gareth cuts him 0ff and says something a bit hard to hear, but it ends with "Bruce Lee just did the roundhouse on him." Simon, who has to get the last word no matter how trivial the issue, corrects him: "No, he smashed him through a wall." Tim lifts his head, looking like he's laughing silently. I heart Tim. "And instead of firing him, he just said, 'Go back to where you were, let's get on with the filming.'" Tim comments from his desk, saying, I think, "Man, those catchphrases. Fast as lightning." Tim rocks. Simon glances at him quickly, feeling his status as the all-knowing hero slightly shaken, but not shattered.

Gareth asks if Simon's seen Bruce Lee fight Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon. Wow, they have such diverse conversation topics! Cars, violence in films... I wish I was a man. Simon baits him, saying "no" in a surprised voice. "Have you not seen it? That is a classic!" says Gareth, surprised yet perhaps a little validated that he's seen something Simon hasn't. Simon cruelly shoots him down: "I haven't seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon, I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon." "That's what I meant," Gareth says, totally embarrassed. Simon the bully asks him why he said the wrong title then. "He fights Bob Wall in both, but Norris. Is only. In Way of the Dragon." Simon, you are the king of movie trivia, OK? No, you're like, the emperor of dragon-related movie titles and Chuck Norris. I hail you. I'm in awe of your superior knowledge. Simon is really the computer version of Finchy. He hasn't thrown a kettle over the pub, but he does know what movies Chuck Norris fought in, dammit! Gareth says, "Yeah, I know," trying to make the embarrassing moment pass. Simon is looking at him, Gareth is looking away, and if you know anything about dogs, you'll know the one who looks at you the longest is the dominating one. The whole body language here is really alpha male vs. lowly subject. "So when he fights Chuck Norris..." "In what?" Simon cuts him off. "In Way of the Dragon," Gareth sighs. Because he has to show his submissiveness, because he's the lower ranking guy in the male pecking order. It's sad, really. "Correct, at last," says Simon triumphantly and gives the camera an amused look. Simon, we are so not on your side, so don't do the Tim glances, OK? Gareth just goes: "Ummm....", because he's been thoroughly owned and he can't even pick up the self esteem to continue further. I suddenly feel very maternal about Gareth. I could take him in my arms and rock him to sleep right now. Tim looks at the camera like he feels pretty much the same way. The fact that Tim questions this idiot is a sign from the writers to us that they don't endorse this message.

Simon's on a roll now, as he starts telling Gareth more fun facts about Bruce Lee: "You do know that Bruce Lee isn't really dead, don't you? Yeah, it was in a book. What he did was, he faked his own death so he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police infiltrating drugs gangs and the triads." While he's talking, Rachel comes to see Tim and Tim gestures at Simon, looking amused. "Yeah, I reckon it's true," says Gareth. Yes, it sounds really credible. Tim voices my thoughts: "Yeah, I reckon that's true, because if you want someone to go undercover to investigate the triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star." Tim and Rachel laugh at Simon quite openly, and rightly so. Simon finds a way to one-up Tim: "So you've gone off Dawn now, have you?" Gareth chuckles a bit, even if it's not a particularly clever retort. Rachel, still smiling, says, "What?" Tim gets annoyed. "What did you say? What are you talking about? Just... shut up, shut up." Yeah, great save. He really seems like he loves Dawn still, and thank you again, Gervais/Merchant, for making this scene about Tim and Dawn. And again, it's hard to understand the superior attitude of guys like Simon, but you know what they say - it's all about the pentiums.

Excited workers climbing on tables. They all look so very bored. Rachel is talking to some other guy who says they haven't been working for ages, or something. Hee, it does seem that way.

Lee is visiting Dawn, they're talking to each other in a low voice. Tim walks by, and Lee gets straight to the point: "Tim! Have you shagged her yet or what?" I find all the warehouse guys in general and Lee in particular - because he's younger than the others and should know better - pretty gross. Dawn looks suitably disgusted and tells Lee, "Of course he hasn't." But when she looks at Tim for confirmation, a silence falls that tells us that yes, they have done the deed. Duh! They basically ate each other's faces at work, so Dawn shouldn't be so naïve. "I don't kiss and tell, mate," says Tim, looking flustered. I think he's embarrassed about this sex life talk in front of Dawn. However, I'd like to believe that if Lee had asked him in private, he'd have gotten the same reaction. I really admire the Tim character for not being a sexist horndog like the other guys. Lee seems way too interested in Tim's sex life, as he's still trying to ask for details. That's so gross, especially in front of your fiancée. Way to show respect for her. Tim just says, "My lips are sealed" and walks away. "He's done well," says Lee and looks at Rachel admiringly. "What do you mean, done well?" Dawn asks in a voice that should tip him off to shut. Up. Now. "She's nice," says Lee. "Yeah, but you don't even know her," says Dawn. "No, I mean she's very attractive," Lee clarifies. Oh, that nice. The only kind of nice a girl can be to guys like Lee. "She's not very attractive," says Dawn as Lee just stares at Rachel in rapture. How have these two not broken up yet? You'd think Lee walks off with the first hot chick he sees. And poor Dawn, having to feel jealous about two guys at a time.