Season 2, Episode 3, Part 1: Team Individuality

You know what? I'm going to name the first parts of each episode myself. They look so dull without a name. I feel a bit bad though, as if I'm writing fan fiction instead of recapping. I have such respect for this show, I don't know how I manage to recap it in the first place. I just feel like I should bow down before Gervais and Merchant and go, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" So far, I haven't, but I can't promise I won't do that as season 2 goes on.

After credits, we see Neil talking to Dawn. She's laughing, because he's not as funny as David, at all. And he's so boring too, like all Swindon people. She speaks in a low voice. He says it's ten to ten, and she says, "Well, I can't speak for... Here he is," as David walks in. He comes to work at ten to ten? That looks really good in front of his boss. What looks even better is that he's gotten a brown leather jacket and high-heeled shoes, so he looks almost as tall and elegant as Neil. Except that he's older and the coat looks like it wouldn't cover his whole belly, and it's just incredibly childish of a 40-year-old guy to think that mimicking someone else's style will make him look cool and funny to the Swinnies.

Neil comments on his jacket. "It's a bit like mine," he says. A bit? It looks exactly like his, only cheaper. "What brand's yours?" asks David. "Armani," says Neil. "Expensive," says David. Neil asks what brand his is. "Sergio Georgini," says David in a voice that suggests that's somehow better than Armani. "New shoes as well," comments Neil. "Quite a heel on them." David looks like he's annoyed Neil figured that out and didn't just imagine he sprung up overnight. He doesn't look at Neil as he asks if they still have a meeting at ten and walks into his office. Dawn gets up to look at him as he walks away and then sits down with an expression of amusement and pity. I heart Dawn's facial expressions. Neil looks after David with just pity and annoyance.

David interview. "People see me and they see the suit, and they go, 'You're not fooling anyone,' they know I'm rock'n'roll thru and thru." I wonder if he could name any of these 'people' if someone asked. "But um.. you know that old thing: live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast - sure, live too bloody fast sometimes... But die young? -Die old. That's the way I... Not orthodox. I don't live by 'the rules'." This is one of my favorite Brentisms. It's one of the first episodes I saw and one of the first times I realized the joke, I think. He shows he completely misunderstands the phrase "live fast, die young". It means you pay the price for your choices. You can't have everything. But he thinks he can just pick and choose, and what's worse, he's using this as an example that he doesn't live by the rules, as if "live fast, die young" is a rule and he's somehow courageous for breaking it. And yes, he makes the pause before "the rules" and he does the finger quotes, thus further undoing his own point. Besides, what rules is he breaking? He doesn't "live fast". He has a very boring conventional life, he never really does anything exciting, and he hardly gets out of Slough. So he tries to be an entertainer (and fails), but that's not exciting or breaking the rules. And I very much doubt he's going to die old with the lifestyle he's got. Besides, he hates aging and desperately tries to appear young. There are so many things wrong with this particular comment. I'm loving it!

He continues about "one other person" - as if he and this guy are the only ones - who has influenced him, "someone who is a maverick, someone who does that" - he pauses and shows his middle finger to the camera - "then it's Ian Botham." He looks at the camera like he expects people to think, "Ah! He's so cool! He admires Ian Botham!" David continues: "Because Beefy will happily say: 'That's what I think of your selection policy'" - he shakes his fist feebly - "Yes, I've hit the odd copper, yes, I've enjoyed the old doobie, but will you piss off and leave me alone. I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics." This is something I had to look up, not being British. Ian Botham, also known as Beefy, was a cricket player, which at a first glance didn't seem all that controversial. However, his Wikipedia entry reports: "Often controversial, Botham was suspended briefly in 1986 for smoking cannabis, and was accused of racism and ball-tampering by Imran Khan. His private life has also made occasional dramatic appearances in Britain's tabloid newspapers." So David admires racists, cheaters and drug addicts? These are the very things he's not supposed to be advocating, considering his position and the image he's trying to give. John O'Groats and spastics don't make sense to me, but if there are any Brits in the audience of my recaps, please leave a comment and I'll edit this entry.

Neil takes off his coat and sits down in David's office. The camera looks at them thru the Venetian blinds again. Neil asks if David's been organizing things, "it looks a bit chaotic, that's all." David turns on his bullshit generator: "Just been... assimilating. Reassimilating and...uh..." Neil doesn't fall for it: "Reassimilating what?" David talks more slowly, probably because he doesn't have a response ready: "Just taking...on...people...and putting them into... just categorizing..." He can't even finish a sentence! He should have, like, excuses written out for him so he can read them from notes like he did with those aphorisms in the previous episode. Before Neil can say anything, David gets defensive about the idea of categories: "Not in any sort of like... label me..." He draws a square in the air. Hee! That's what categorizing usually means, though, David. "..but just... you know.. that's your vibe, that's your vibe..." He shows hand gestures left and right and then combines his hands with a smug grin on his face. The one where he bites his upper lip. The camera shows Neil from the back. He's leaning to his right, sitting with his right hand contemplatively on his chin. I don't think he's happy with what he's hearing. And I doubt David could name any concrete examples of his "categorizing".

It's Trudy's birthday, and she's getting gifts from her coworkers. They all seem to be naughty for some reason. She calls one of them "a leather basque", but I'd just call it a corset. Never heard the word leather basque before. Trudy seems excited about it. I don't think I would be. It seems like a pretty intimate present. She tries it on her shirt, even if Gareth keeps telling her to "try it on properly.. without all the...in case you have to take it back..." Aww, Gareth. So misguided and pervy. The corset fits. The next present makes Trudy exclaim, "Oh my god, it's disgusting! You dirty..." It's a dildo. And that I think I would like. "One size fits all," says the older guy who isn't Malcolm. Everybody's laughing like they never saw a penis before. Tim picks it up and shows to Gareth just to piss him off, "Look at the face! Look at the face!" Gareth gets grossed out: "It's disgusting!" Hee, a moment ago he was asking Trudy to take her shirt off. It's like he's a teenager - really curious and horny, but scared of the realities of sex. Gareth says Tim doesn't know where it's been. "I do know where it's been, it's been in the box," says Tim. Gareth thinks the women in the factory might have used it. "The women in the factory, your amazing mind again," says Tim. Gareth defends: "Well, in my experience, women who work in factories are slackers, so...Don't know what..." Wow. In his experience? Of women who work in factories? And does he really imagine that women in factories test drive dildos just out of boredom? He probably does. He's so sad. An awkward silence falls after Gareth's comment. Trudy thanks everyone for the presents, but the mood has fallen a bit. Thanks, Gareth.

Back to David, who's still hedging. "They're malleable," he says emphatically, and Neil mm hmm's. Hee, David acts like he's giving a lecture. He talks so slowly and says such roundabout things that it's hard for Neil to really respond with anything, and I think he's just trying to keep Neil from noticing that he's really done nothing. David claims to like the Swinnies and says he doesn't like it when people come in all: "Oh, we do it this way, we do it that way.. I just wanna go, 'Do it this way... if you like.' If you don't... Team playing." Where was that stray sentence going? His way of being a boss is telling people, "Do this if you like. If you don't, don't do it"? That's terrible management. "I call it team individuality," he continues. Team individuality? That is like the ultimate oxymoron, David being the moron. Basically... you can be an individual within the team, but if the team defines the spirit, it's always team spirit, not individual. "Again, guilty, unorthodox, sue me." He lifts his hand when he says "guilty". Neil admits it really is unorthodox, and tries to ask something about how it works for the team, but David talks over him: "Nothing ever changes by staying the same... quite literally." He's just stringing words together, and this time he realized it actually works in a logical sense, but what he doesn't realize is that the sentence could be reduced to "duh".

Tim and Gareth's desk. Tim has the dildo on his desk, and I don't really understand why. I mean, I saw him playing with it earlier, but it's Trudy's present. It's pretty rude to take it like that. On second thought, it's probably there just to piss Gareth off, and I bet Trudy agrees with that. Rachel walks in and sits on Tim's desk. She takes the dildo in her hands flirtatiously: "You like that don't you? Is that because it looks like yours?" "They're identical," jokes Tim. "Though mine's not that size, it's very, very tiny, but it is made of plastic." I love Tim's humor. It's wry and weird, but it works. And he sounds quite serious while saying it. Gareth, of course, has to jump in with a lame joke of his own: "Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic!" Eww. He just took Tim's self-deprecating joke and made a macho boast out of it. He looks very proud of his stupid joke, and he's laughing through his nose and it sounds like "hh-hh-hh..." He's such a lame teenage boy with sex stuff. Rachel and Tim both look uncomfortable. When Gareth finally stops "laughing", Rachel dares Tim to put the dildo in David's office. Tim tries to say no, but when Rachel says he should do it "cos it would make me laugh", and Gareth offers to do it, he has no choice. Gareth, you know Rachel won't love you if you do it. He's so intrusive. I know his desk is joined with Tim's, but that doesn't mean that everything Rachel says is also aimed at him.

So Tim takes the dildo and hides it behind his back. He says it's simple, "couldn't be easier." He knocks on David's door as Rachel's giggling and looking like "Wow, he's really gonna do it!" She's acting like a schoolgirl, and Tim's like a schoolboy with his pranks, but somehow with them it's less annoying than with Gareth. Tim goes in and starts to ask David something... and then he pretends to be thinking hard. "It's gone," he says. "Too many late nights," says Neil. He tells Tim to come back later. David looks annoyed that Neil is talking to Tim as if this is Neil's office, not David's. Tim, with admirable acting ability, takes a folder off David's desk and leans his forehead on it, feigning embarrassment: "Come on, Tim." Finally he takes his right hand out, careful to not let either David or Neil see the dildo, and says, "I'm holding a folder," as if he had picked it up quite unconsciously and feels embarrassed that he did. Then he places the folder, with the dildo under it, on the desk. It's really quite good.

As Tim turns to leave, Neil stops him to ask if he could take "my lot" - note that he's using these words quite affectionately and not putting the Slugs down, while David acts like it's a war between his people and Neil's - down to the warehouse to see how things work down there. That sounded nasty. But what can I do when there's a dildo planted in the room? "There's not a lot of point, there's not a lot to see there," says David. So he's really against it only because Neil wants it. He's playing with his tie awkwardly. "We are one organization, I think it'd be a good idea for everyone to know everyone else," says Neil with a little chuckle. David looks very sour about having his opinion turned down. "Just tell Glynn I said it's OK," says Neil. David has to interject with: "Tell TAFFY that I said it's OK and that Neil agrees with me." David! Neil's your boss! He won't just "agree" with you, he'll make the rules. David tries to win points by using Glynn's nickname, which he doesn't even answer to (see season 1, episode 2). David rubs his chest smugly, pretending to be adjusting his shirt. I think he just needs something to do with his hands. He looks at Neil as if he won that debate. Wow, how dumb can you be?

Tim closes the door and a look of triumph is on his face now. He mouths "Yes" and laughs silently. "Sorry, that was brilliant," says Tim. I guess he's apologizing for complimenting his own work, but it really was good. Gareth's expression says he could have done it better. "Did you see where it went? It went under the folder," says Tim. Rachel laughs with childish glee and attraction to Tim. They exchange high fives that get very intimate and end up in them bump ing their butts together. Dawn looks at it from her desk, feeling left out. And Gareth, of course, is looking at them from the other side with the same kind of look. Are there any office romances where this doesn't happen? Tim asks Gareth what he'd give it "out of 10". "I give it a 3," says Gareth bitterly. "Three?!" says Tim. I bet he realizes, though, that Gareth's just jealous because Tim is butt-bumping his girl. Yeah, I'm so sure Rachel and Gareth will end up together. Rachel just doesn't know it yet.