Season 2, Episode 3, Part 3: "Headhunted"

Ray and Jude are sitting on the sofa in the lobby. They're talking to each other in low tones. I love this whole storyline. I love David's motivational speech and the following episode is probably my favorite one of the whole show. I love how professional and calm Ray and Jude are and how utterly David fails at impressing them. Like all other actors on the show, they make a believeable naturalistic performance - very low-key, very professional, matter-of-fact. In other words, a great backdrop for David's idiocy. And here he comes now, with his cheap brown leather jacket shining. Dawn introduces Ray and Jude, but then realizes he forgot the name of the firm and chuckles a bit. "Cooper and Webb," says Ray and shakes David's hand. "Who's Cooper and who's Webb?" asks David and grins. "Neither of us," says Ray completely serious. I don't think he ever laughs at any of David's jokes, coming to think of it. "I bet you get that all the time, do you?" David 'jokes'. "No," says Ray so straight-faced that you could read it as "What the fuck?" He takes out his portfolio, but David stops him by lifting his finger. Then he turns to Dawn and ignores Ray and Jude for a moment, even if he's really putting up an act for him. "First things first, any more mail?" he says and does a little dance - well, not really, but he's rocking his body a bit back and forth, his arms hovering above the desk. I think he's attempting to look cool, but you never know with David. Dawn gives him some mail, and he browses thru it: "Mr D. Brent... that's me," he says in his "important" voice. He takes a quick look at Ray and Jude and a similar look at Dawn. Then he just browses thru the mail, thinking this will make him look like Mr Hot Shot Boss. You know what David? Everybody gets mail. Even people who never get out of their house get mail with their name on it. It's not a sign that you're busy and improtant. You're just being really rude. Ray and Jude look at each other a little baffled and shift their legs, looking impatient. Then David suddenly gestures to them and says, "Come thru." He walks first, and he takes his leather coat off "casually", but you can really tell how tight it is, because he has to pull quite a bit to get it off his arms. Dawn gets up a bit to look at him and then allows herself a mischievious little nose-crunching smile. Did I mention that I love her facial expressions?

In David's office, he hangs his jacket on a coat rack and then sits down in his chair, "Whewww", as if he's had a really busy day. Well, David, you got in an hour late, and you obviously went out for lunch as well, so I'm not so sure how busy you've been. Because he hasn't told Ray and Jude where to sit, they're left to pull up chairs for themselves. David makes another desperate attempt to seem busy as he picks up his phone's receiver and puts it on his ear, then moves his mouse ever so slightly and clicks it saying, "Ahh, it's..." He pretends to look at the screen all intensely, then he thoughtfully puts away the receiver. Great, David. It's really impressive and I'm sure they bought it, because you didn't even call anyone. How to know a busy person? Well, they're always picking up their phone without calling anyone. It's just a reflex for a busy boss! Ray and Jude look at him expectantly, as if they're unsure if he's going to have any more quirks before they can get down to business. "Shoot," says David and adjusts his tie. He doesn't do the finger pointing thing anymore, like he did in the first season whenever he said "shoot". He also wipes his hair with his hand. "Well... are you aware of what we do?" asks Ray in a calm, quiet voice. "No!" says David rudely. Why is he putting up this act? Does he think they're salespeople and wants to show from the beginning that he's not interested?

Ray explains that Cooper & Webb arranges business seminars where experts teach people how to do business or something. It sounds kind of vague to me, kind of like teaching people creative writing. You can show them the basic techniques, but if they don't have the creativity, it's not going to work out. Neil offers a similar theory later on in the episode. Ray gives David his portfolio, but he just quickly glances at it and then closes it. He has this totally rejecting look on his face. It makes him look kinda childish. Ray is being way too polite with him, but I guess consultants have to get used to this kind of thing. "I'll stop you right there," says David. Nice way of showing you control the conversation - and that you think there's going to be a lot more sales talk. I get that a lot at my job as Gallup poll interviewer. He says he doesn't need this type of thing, "I do all my own in-house training." Hee, I wonder if his experience with Rowan had anything to do with that decision? He's better off without outside help anyway, because the more the consultant talks, the less he gets to sing.

Ray corrects him that they wanted him to be an expert speaker. David tries to play it cool and says: "Good choice." That's like the most arrogant reply you could give, but I think he thinks it just seems like cool and aloof behaviour. He adjusts his tie smugly and plays with it a bit. "Why'd you dudes swing by here in the first place?" he asks. Dudes? Swing by? I think he's trying to be hip again. Just act professionally, David. That's the only impression he doesn't do, I think. That and Gonzo. Ray tells him that Wernham Hogg has a good reputation, and a guy named Andy Hitchcock recommended David. David buries his face in his hand for a moment in amusement and fake embarrassment: "Ah, Cockles! Cocky. The Big Cock." Why am I not surprised that David would focus on that part of his name? "Next time you're talking to him, just ask if he got the grass stains out of his trousers. Not in front of his wife, cos..." and he almost starts to laugh, but then he sees the camera and goes awkwardly silent. "Coss... was..." he tries, but fails to think of a suitable sentence to continue with. Hee! He totally makes it sound like he was doing something very dubious in the grass with The Big Cock. Ray and Jude look embarrassed too.

David brings it back to business: "What sort of tip would you want me on?" Ray says they're looking for "people who are sort of dynamic but who are also good communicators." Well, you've come to the wrong place then. Ask Neil instead. "Sure," says David smugly. "Sure, it's a corporate message, but obviously we're looking for people who can communicate with young people, 20-somethings..." Ray says, but stops when David lifts his high-heeled shoes on the table. They look a bit like my winter shoes, actually. Totally unsuitable for him, and he's clearly showing them just to show how he's so youthful and trendy. He looks at Ray like this settles it. Ray and Jude look taken aback, especially Ray, who's actually leaning back in his chair. "You don't see heels like those much nowadays," he says. David doesn't get that this means his gesture failed and made the opposite effect from the one he was going for. "You can still find them," he says and smugly plays with his tie again.

"What sort of bunts would I be looking at?" he asks. Ray doesn't get it. Instead of saying money, David just makes the finger-rubbing gesture and smugly bites his lower lip. "Um, well, to start with..." starts Ray, but David cuts him off with: "Buntsen burner." Hee! He grins gleefully, but both Ray and Jude look at him like they don't get it. He's acting like a total idiot. David explains: "Buntsen burner, nice little earner. Hence the.." and he rubs his fingers again. Oh, is this a Cockney slang phrase or something? Or just a Brentism? It's hard to tell. At any rate, it makes him look even dumber. Ray looks like he's not sure if David is nuts or stupid, but he suspects both. "Buntss...," he repeats in the hopes that they would get it now. Just let it go, David. Ray says they could begin with 300 pounds. "300 pounds just for an hour's work?" says David, clearly surprised. "No, you'd only talk for about 15 minutes," says Jude, who hasn't said anything so far. David is incredulous about the amount and even laughs a bit, which sounds like "Whoa, easiest money I ever made". "That's..." - he has to think for a moment - "1200 pounds an hour, pro rata," he says. Then he quickly tries to play it off as exactly what he expected: "That's the sort of fee I'd be looking at for this...so...," he says much more seriously and adjusts his tie.

He asks when it would happen. "Well, soon," says Jude with a quick look at Ray. "Count me in," says David smugly. He gets up to shake hands with them and says, "Thank you." Jude has to ask him if they could set some dates then and there. Most people would expect that they end the conversation because they came to see him, and they'd have a set way of doing this sort of thing. David acts like once he says yes, that's it. But when Jude asks about his calendar, he says, "Absolument." Not absolutely, that would be too common, you have to use one of the few French words you know. When David picks up his calendar, he finds the dildo Tim hid there. "What's that?" he says, dumbfounded. "It's a dildo," says Jude, and her voice implies that she thinks David must be a very weird guy who gets up to very weird things in his office. Frankly, that's just the impression he's left with his stupid jokes and weird behaviour. "Is it yours?" David asks. "No!" she says angrily. David, you're stupid. How and WHY would she have smuggled a dildo into your office? Just because she identified the object, doesn't make it hers. David apologizes vaguely and says "this is an example of problemss... let's have a look..." and he walks out of the office to settle the dildo issue, when he's supposed to be having a meeting with Ray and Jude! Can't this wait? Obviously he thinks this will show him to be the great leader he truly is, but it's really proof positive of the contrary.

The camera follows David as he walks into the employees' space with decisive steps. He looks like a fool. "OK, everybody!" he shouts. "What... am I doing in there..." - and he points at the office with the dildo - "with a dildo?" I think the employees could think of many interesting things he could be doing there. No one takes the opportunity to answer his question. He points the dildo at Jude and says, "She says it's not hers, and I for one believe her." That's so rude. Don't include her in this, and don't act like she might be lying. Jude looks uneasy. She glances at the dildo, but then looks away. The dildo is still staring her in the face. A little tip, David: you might wanna get it out of her face now if you want to do business with her. "So... whose is it?" he asks. Trudy lifts her hand, looking confused. David asks her why it was in his office. Why doesn't he ask Tim, who is the only employee to have been in his office that day? It has to be either him or Neil. How would Trudy know? Trudy says, "It's a birthday present. I don't know what it was doing in there." David turns to Ray and Jude and says, "Good harmless fun." Yeah, you really played along there, because you're such a laugh. He asks Trudy, "Is today your birthday? Many happy returns, but what have we learned from this?" He really cares about her birthday. How touching. "Don't leave your dildo lying around?" suggests Trudy. Great lesson. "Don't leave it out of your sight," says David and looks at Jude as if she's supposed to know all about this. "Cos it can wind up... anywhere..." You know what David, some women don't like dildos. This is another one of those TV clichés: that women always have a vibrator stacked up somewhere that they use when they're alone. Some women actually use their hands, but I think many men don't realize that.

David uses the dildo for pointing and accidentally turns it on. He gets very embarrassed at the rotating movement and tries to stop it, but ends up turning it on a gyrating mode, and says, "That's worse. What do you do when that happens?" he asks Trudy, who wouldn't know because she just got it. "Well, you probably..." I wonder where that sentence was going, but he doesn't continue it. He gives it to Tim, because now he's just too embarrassed to give it to Trudy himself. It's just a penis, David. You have one. It's not scary. It's funny that most women seem to have a more natural relationship with penises than most men. If only the Big Cock were here. Jude asks David if they can get back to business. David is relieved to have an excuse to leave the dildo alone. "We were actually in the middle of something," he mumbles as they walk back to his room. Well, I'm glad he spoke to the employees about this, because it surely made them realize some valuable life lessons. Such as "Don't leave your dildo lying around." After David leaves, Trudy gestures to Tim, who has managed to stop the dildo. I think David would have figured it out if he hadn't been so very embarrassed. Before taking it to Trudy, Tim has to shove the dildo in Gareth's face, just because it freaks Gareth out. He won't miss a chance to annoy Gareth.