Season 2, Episode 3, Part 4: "Gareth Dares"

The number bods are still working. Oliver has some graph on his screen that looks particularly boring. Sheila is biting her pen, a realistic thing to do while focusing on something. David is still in a meeting with Ray and Jude. I hope they realize now what a dynamic and fun boss he is, after the whole dildo ordeal. Tim is telling Rachel to "smuggle this about your person". This in question seems to be a screwdriver or something. Tim says, "I'm not saying anything about where you've got to put it." They're clearly flirting about it. Rachel is biting on a pen and looking amused. But suddenly Gareth jumps in and says, "If you wanna see bravery, come to me." Tim laughs at the word bravery, as do I. Seriously, it's not about bravery, it's about having a laugh together with the person you have a crush on, which doesn't include Gareth. He really doesn't know when he's not wanted.

Rachel plays along and suggests that she'll call David and Gareth has to say what she writes. "No way, you'll make me sound like a bender!" Gareth resists, but Rachel swears she won't. Just don't do it, Gareth, it's not designed to impress her. What she's doing is pretty mean, and in a way more so than what Dawn and Tim have done in the past, but in one way I feel like Gareth deserves it because he's just so dumb, and he's really given her a hard time. Rachel dials and David picks up. He tells Gareth he's having a meeting, but Gareth replies, "Just going to say a few things." Yeah, really believable there. He even pauses while Rachel is writing. The first thing is positive: "You're doing a great job." The speaker phone is on, so we can hear how David tells Ray and Jude, "Just an employee telling me what a superb job I'm doing." Well, he didn't say superb, now did he? Gareth says he has another thing, "I like your little beard." You know what, you didn't have to read that out loud, Gareth. You could have just said, "OK, that's all David" and hung up. But he reads it, and awkward silence falls, and David says, "...OK. Is that it?" Gareth says there's one more thing: "You should wear tighter trousers." And one more question: do I creep you out? I think David's pants are tight enough as it is. Rachel looks at Tim with a grin, and Tim looks back smiling - not entirely genuinely, I think. It's like, "Eh, this is kinda lame, but if I want us to be a couple, I have to play along." "Look, can I call you back?" says David, sounding annoyed and, indeed, creeped out. "Yes, thanks bye," says Gareth and hangs up. Rachel bursts into laughter. Gareth, who still stupidly believes he could make an impression on her with that, feebly laughs along. "That was genius," says Tim and laughs hysterically, but I still don't think he's being genuine. Especially because he repeats it twice as if to make it true: "Genius, genius." Well, it wasn't really that innovative, Tim. "Thank you," says Gareth as if he made it all up. Rachel and Tim laugh a lot, but when Gareth puts his arm on Rachel's shoulder and says, "Brilliant," their laughter kinda dies. You see, Tim, much more fun to wind up Gareth with Dawn, whom he's not trying to impress. And speak of the Dawn, she's looking at Rachel and Tim sadly, looking like she's left out. Aww, poor Dawn.

David's office. Jude tells him they have a website with a profile of each of the speakers. It's a kind of FAQ with pretty clichéd questions, the first one being, "If you could have a working lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" David answers in a clichéd way: "Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama." Yeah, they'd have loads to talk about. The camera shows Ray's face as he makes a "fair enough" face - probably heard that answer or variations of it several times. "And Rory Bremner," adds David and Ray makes a brilliant little "Huh?" frown. David explains that "they could get a little heavy" so Rory could "lighten things up - probably do impressions of them. And me," he adds with an amused little eye-roll, as if he's saying, "Oh that Rory. Always doing impressions." I think David realizes he wouldn't seriously want to meet the Dalai Lama or Martin Luther King. Next question: "What's your biggest disappointment?" "Alton Towers," replies David instantly. "Oh," says Jude a bit baffled, and adds to explain her reaction: "I've never been." "It's rubbish. Next!" says David, oblivious that this is not a good answer to a question of his lifetime disappointments. Or maybe he really doesn't want to get into it, because it might include something like "failed to be a successful pop star" or "didn't get Neil's job". Alton Towers is a safe answer, in the same way Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama is a safe answer. It doesn't require any thinking or anything personal, even if David's personality shows all too well in it.

Dawn wanders into the general area of Tim's desk and asks if he's doing practical jokes today. Tim tries to brush her off by saying he's working, but when Dawn says she has "some good ones", he asks to hear them. "Uhh.. what was it... eh..." Dawn pretends to be thinking. "We could think of some," she says. I think she just wants Tim to think of some. And coming to think of it, maybe Tim likes that more than Rachel playing a prank on Gareth basically without his involvement. "Yeah, let's think of some good ones," says Tim. "For who?" says Dawn. "For..hmm.. what about Gareth? It's about time he had some tricks played on him," says Tim. Dawn laughs flirtatiously while playing with her earring.

Jude has one more question for David: "What would your motto be?" David needs a little meaningless jargon to get going. "Well, I've noticed that some bosses are too intimidated of training their staff up too well. They don't... I don't mind it. I actually like my staff to be better than me." Hee, he actually admits that? Of course he likes that - then he has to do less work. "That way, you know, keeps me on my toes." Isn't it more like the opposite? "So.. my motto would be... 'Be careful... cos there's always someone... ready to.. step into your shoes and do your job better... than... you... do itt..." Written out, it seems valid if jargony: "Be careful cos there's always someone ready to step into your shoes and do your job better than you do it." But when he draws it out like that, it just sounds like he's testing the words: can... I still.. add .. something.. and .. make it .. make sense... And as far as mottos go, this one's definitely not something he lives by. I think he's confusing "motto" with "inventing a management jargon 'wisdom' off the bat". A reaction shot from Ray shows us that he's trying hard to think about what this motto really even means.

Tim is putting glue on Gareth's phone. He does a silly voice: "Heh heh. I'm glueing a phone... in the name of fun." "He will hate you," Dawn says happily. It's kind of cute that they bond over picking on Gareth. It's somehow lame and childish, too, though. But in such a boring workplace, what else can they do?

The photocopier spews out copies of paper, and next to it sits a box that says "Toner" and "sharp". Is there some meaning to that? I'll let you be the judge of that, because I can't think of anything, so moving on.

There's a birthday cake on Dawn's desk and pieces are being dealt out among the employees. Two candles are sizzling on the cake - the kind of candles that send those little sparks all over the place. I think it looks disturbing (are the sparks edible?), but I guess it's just festive in this kitschy office environment. David comes from his office with Ray and Jude, and as they see the party, he gets a bit annoyed. He jokes to Neal about how much the cake might cost, "Are we paying you too much?" We? David, he's your boss, not the other way around. Neil says he baked it himself. "He does it every year," says Oliver. Emma is impressed. Wait, every year as in on Trudy's birthday? Or every year as in..? I just don't see why Trudy's birthday is such a huge deal. Emma compliments the flavor. David makes a face like it's gross and says it's "a bit sweet innit... too rich." "It's really good," says Emma. Oliver says the lemon cake is Neil's best. David isn't satisfied because Neil gets positive comments, so he says loudly, "I prefer a flan" and looks around him like this somehow settles it. Ray and Jude look like they don't know how to react to this lame display of jealousy. Nor does everyone else, for that matter. Awkward silence falls.

Trudy pops a bottle of champagne or something and - seriously? Why are they celebrating this in the office at office hours? Is it customary in the UK to drink at work? It seems so weird. At Dawn's counter, Tim and Rachel are talking, apparently about Trudy. "She's OK, but she's a bit of a prude," says Rachel. Tim doesn't believe it at first. "She's a bit of a prude at heart," Rachel says. It's hard to believe after the "leather basque" and dildo. But maybe that's really just to cover up... actually, judging by the epilogue of this episode, I really don't believe she's a prude. Maybe it's just that Rachel is even dirtier.

The two Swinnies who are often seen talking to each other are having a conversation again, when David walks in. We first see him spotting the guys from behind a plant, and then he walks in with a trademark "Ahhhh." He finds a forced connection between his training thing and their talk: "You two having a meeting? Nah, it' s just that... I was having an.... interesting meeting with those two people over there." He points at Ray and Jude who have gotten glasses in their hands and are talking. "They're business people, and.. quite important, actually... and they have a business..." They're consultants. It's not like they're CEOs at big companies or something. I don't know much about the pecking order in the business world, but it sounds to me like David is exaggerating their status. David says they arrange "management training seminars". Wasn't it more like seminars for regular employees? He says they get expert speakers like John Harvey-Jones. Actually, I was under the impression that they ask people who are not all that well known, but are good at speaking to an audience. According to Wikipedia, "Harvey-Jones' astringent belief is that "people want to work for an identifiable person and the values of that person are very very important"." Well, David is at least identifiable.

He tells the guys he's been asked to speak and he's perfect for it, because "not only do I know about that sort of stuff, I have a sort of natural authority to people, but I'm an all-around entertainer, so..." He gestures "seeing" and puts his hands together saying, "Those qualities..." with the good old smug lip-biting expression. "Keep it under your hat," he adds, as if the guys even care. Then he walks to the next group saying, "Heyy! See those two... business people over there?" The thing about David as a communicator is that he really doesn't want to listen to anyone else, so the conversation is pretty much over as soon as he has delivered his latest speech of self-praise. Easy on the listeners, in a way.

Dawn and Tim get to Tim's desk to play the prank on Gareth. Tim calls Gareth's phone and he comes in. Dawn and Tim suddenly pretend to be having a private conversation. He tries to pick up the phone, but ends up literally picking it up. Because it's glued. It's not a particularly clever trick, but as usual, the fun comes from Gareth's reaction. He bitterly remarks that he could have taken his eye out. Well, I don't think it's that dangerous. The phone keeps ringing, and Gareth is too dumb to realize it's Tim. He pulls the receiver out and answers the phone. "Cock!" shouts Tim and laughs in a juvenile, perhaps slightly drunken way. Dawn is having fun, until Rachel walks in and Tim starts to laugh with him, using the prank as his mating plumage. Rachel seems impressed and Dawn feels left out again. Not my favorite plot, but the Gareth pranks are amusing anyway.

Ray and Jude are talking to Neil, obviously trying to get him to take a speaking gig too. They tell him it doesn't take a lot of time, but he says he's very busy. Obviously he's not very interested. David jumps in and asks what they're doing. "We're trying to engage this chap in motivation," says Ray in a relaxed tone, because he doesn't yet know how insecure David is. "You've already asked me! A bit rude," says David, unable to hide his disappointment. "We'd use both of you for different things," says Ray. "I can do both," says David. He doesn't even know what things they'd use them for. "I can't do it anyway," says Neil. "He can't do it anyway," says David happily. Ray asks Neil for his card. "No point!" says David. He's so childish. "We might be able to persuade you," Jude tells Neil. David says Neil already said no, and he'd be weak to change his mind. There's an awkward silence. Neil, Ray, and Jude all look like, "Who let this guy out of kindergarten?" Ray says they'll be going. "Yeah, leave it as it was... as agreed, yeah?" says David, as if he's the one who decides about this. So rude.

When Ray and Jude leave, it gets even ruder as David asks Neil if he's doing it or not, "cos it seemed like you were trying to worm your way in." Hey, they asked him. Neil's not trying to steal your thunder. I don't know what offends David more, the fact that they'll ask other people within the same office, which makes him less important, or that they asked Neil of all people. Probably the latter. Neil says he's "not interested", and David of course takes offense: "A bit beneath you?" Neil is surprised he takes it that way and says it's not that, "it's just that I don't think you can teach people that sort of thing. Either you have it or you don't." I would agree. I think "motivation seminars" reaks of "meaningless yet expensive jargon services". David believes in the power of motivation teaching, "depends who the guru is", and he points at himself. Guru?! At what? Oh, let me guess... entertainment? Neil says, "Beware of false prophets," quite bitingly for him. "That's my point," says David. "It's not all about profits!" Instead of shouting "BWA HAHA" at his face, Neil tells him politely, "No, I meant..." but David, who seems to be pretty drunk already, cuts him off: "I meant, I meant, if only, if only! If only me aunt had bollocks she'd be me uncle!" What..? Neil didn't even say "if only!" That's just one of those totally clueless David moments where he thinks he's won Neil by being totally childish. Kinda like the "wanna be the popular boss? Pathetic!" thing. David walks away looking confident and drunk. Neil is left to wonder what the fuck that was all about.

Trudy takes a drink from a shot glass and apparently ends a story: "Every time we won." It seems like a realistic enough conversation snippet, though I don't know why she's drinking before she says it. This whole party thing is weird to me. I'm beginning to think they just basically drink in the office every night, and this is as good an excuse as any.