Season 2, Episode 3, Part 5: "Form an Orderly Queue"

Rachel shuffles cards and says they're going to play "Top Trumps with popstars". It sounds vaguely familiar to me, but I haven't played this type of game since I was a kid. "Do you know how to play?" asks Rachel. "Yeah, I know how to play, but popstars..." starts Tim, but they cut him off for a Timterview, where Tim says, "No, I don't talk about my love life for a good reason, and that reason is... I don't have one." Yes, you do. Two girls are interested in you and you're interested in both of them. I wouldn't call that lack of a love life, that's more like Big Love. Tim says it's "good news for the ladies", because he's still out there. "I'm a heck of a catch," he says and starts a self-deprecating list about his life: "I live in Slough... in a lovely house... wwith my parentss.." He says it with comic pauses, which in my opinion reveal him to be a professional actor, even if it still sounds natural. He laughs a bit and says he has the same room he's had since he was born. "That's seen a lot of action, I'll tell you. Mainly dusting." I like Tim's humor. It seems natural and creative, the complete opposite of David's jokes. "I went to university, as well, for a year before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter," he continues. "So yeah, form an orderly queue, ladies." Throughout this little speech, his eyes have been veering here and there, perhaps because he's embarrassed or seriously thinks his life is pathetic. I think Tim's doing alright. Lots of people who are 30 haven't really had a "career" yet and don't really know what to do with their lives. It feels agonizing, but it's not that much better for anyone else. You know, except for that "living with parents" thing.

Rachel and Tim are playing cards. Tim shows the picture of his card, "I've been on a safari and I've never seen anything like this before." Rachel laughs way too much, because she's drunk. She keeps sipping from her can of beer. Dawn and Gareth are following them with their eyes. It almost seems like they're preying on Tim and Rachel, especially with the bushy office plants and the staring (in Gareth's case). Gareth probably is preying on them, actually. Tim asks Rachel if she's "getting molocky". Molocky?! Or something similar. I think he means drunk. Rachel denies it, but when she asks to continue with the game, she spends her time flipping the cards at Tim's face flirtatiously instead. I know it only takes a few minutes on screen, but I spent considerably more time writing this, and this is one part of the show that I hate to recap, because I feel like I really don't have much to say about it. I'm not a Dawn and Tim shipper, but they could have at least added something to the triangle drama. Well, Gareth does help to make it more amusing. So it's more like a square drama really.

Elsewhere, David is telling Jamie, "If they wanna pay me that for fifteen minutes' work, that is their prerogative, so..." He's looking drunk, Jamie's looking bored. David's self-praise is interrupted by his cell phone, which gives a boring ring ring tone. It's Finchy, so David puts on his "aren't we outrageous" act: "Finchyy! -Go on. What's the difference between a fox and a dog?" He laughs loudly and repeats: "About eight pints of lager!" Wow. Lame, predictable and sexist. If Finchy were smarter and more creative, I'd hate him more, but as it is, he's just kind of sad. I still despise him though, you can't take that away from me. David tells Finchy there's a party going on and asks if he's coming. We see Finchy coming up behind him. "Why not?" David says, disappointed. Finchy jumps up from behind him and yells that he's already here, calling David a fat [something in a thick Finchy accent]. David's excited to see Finchy, as always, and introduces him to Neil as his "very good friend Chris Finch." Much to David's dismay, Neil and Finchy already know each other and are on friendly terms. They fist-pump as Neil tells David that Finchy steals his jokes all the time. Ugh, he actually wants to take credit for those jokes? I suddenly like Neil less. Finchy asks if Lisa is here. He makes a "boobs" gesture when he says that. I didn't know that's sign language for "Lisa". Neil says she wanted to find another job. "If it's a blow job, she can come to me!" says Finchy. David laughs drunkenly and stupidly like it's the most clever joke he ever heard - but then he always does with Finchy. Neil laughs, too, sadly. He also makes some dumb sexist jokes about it. I don't get them and I don't feel like listening really hard, because it annoys me to see the guys making sex jokes about the women in the office. It seems oddly inappropriate for Neil. David alternates between laughing at Finchy's jokes and saying "That's rubbish" at Neil's. "I've got a vacancy she could fill," says Finchy, and David says, "That's better. His work! Don't try to..." Yeah, Finchy's the comic genius, along with David, so don't you try and steal that too, Neil! You've already got David's boss job, his best friend, his popularity, and you almost wormed your way into his motivational speech thing too! Shame on you, Neil! So selfish!

Trudy drinking some more. She can take quite a bit of alcohol. Oliver tells her she's terrible, but he sounds admiring more than anything. "Once a year," Trudy says. "Cheers, cheers, cheers to me again," and she drinks some more. They really celebrate her birthday every year? I'm not sure if she means that she likes to do this once a year, but from what Oliver said earlier about the cake, it seemed like they really have an office party every year for Trudy. It seems odd because they don't usually celebrate the other members' birthdays. Well, they did something with Tim's, but it didn't seem as festive somehow. David didn't even ask Dawn to get him a card.
Employees mingling. Gareth drinking from a bottle, apparently alone. Aww. He looks so pathetic. And he's still staring at Rachel. Even his drinking looks pathetic, because he keeps his face still and only moves the bottle. His big eyes never stray from Rachel. Maybe that's his technique for surviving in the jungle: keep your eyes on the goal and don't let it catch you by surprise. I realize how much I miss the Gareth interviews. It seems like they cut a lot of the talking heads this season to make room for Tim and Rachel, and it annoys me, most notably in this episode.

What I do like, however, is when Gareth musters his courage and goes up to Rachel, who's sorting out the Top Trump cards by herself. "You like Top Trumps, you should come to me," he says. "Got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me on Monster Trucks though, cos you won't. My speciality." Yeah, cos girls love monster trucks. He's bragging to impress her, and really that's the worst way to impress a woman. Ask about HER, compliment HER. Instead, Gareth tells her why she can never beat him at Top Trumps: "I used to play it, like just by myself, with a dummy hand, just testing out every different scenario, which cards pick which other cards, for hours, sometimes three or four hours at a time. Put in the work, the rewards are obvious." Wow, so he has no life, and he's also really obsessed with winning at Top Trumps. He suddenly looks so attractive to me. Rachel just stares at him with her mouth open. Gareth, who might or might not confuse this with open admiration, continues: "So I know exactly which cards you've got on your hand from what cards I got. And I would know probability wise exactly what features to pick on my card to defeat statistically any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win!" he says with a victorious smile and points at her. Now I don't even know if he's trying to charm her or just showing off who has the biggest cards around the office. "Could still be fun though," he adds as an afterthought. Yes, statistical probabilities and playing with obsessed guys is always fun! Is it really even possible to learn the game like that? A very Gareth moment, there. He needs these things to feel like he's the biggest and best of them all, because he feels really insecure about himself. It's kind of endearing. But I still wouldn't want him as my boyfriend. Rachel nods, still staring at him, probably trying to figure out if he was serious about all that.

David is talking to Keith, who is probably an ideal person to talk to in a time of self-praise, because Keith never really offers any input of his own. Keith is a lot taller than David. He's staring ahead chewing gum again, not really facing David, who asks him if he knows how much they're going to pay him. "No," says Keith emotionlessly. Note that it doesn't sound rude like David's "No!" earlier did. Keith can't offend, because he brings no emotion into it. He's just endearing. "15 minutes work, right? 300 quid." "1200 quid for an hour," Keith says. "You do the math," says David. "Yeah, it'd be... be 1200 quid an hour," Keith repeats. Aww. Trudy shows up asking for birthday kisses. "No tongues," says Finchy and kisses her very carefully. Then he turns to another guy and says something in a low voice, probably about Trudy. Trudy doesn't kiss David, and David's left to babble as if he thinks it's OK: "Didn't ask me... Knew I'd say no.. Didn't cross a boundary... Good girl!" How patronizingly obvious, dear Watson. You're offended and you're pretending to be a prude. Not that Keith knows the difference anyway.

Trudy's drinking some more, sitting in Oliver's lap. Finchy comes in and says, "That's a good idea! I always do them from behind if I don't like their face." Chris? Fuck off. "You bastard!" says Trudy. "You like my face, don't you love?" she asks Oliver. Oliver says, "I love your face, I think you're beautiful." She's not really, but I don't want to be like Finchy. She looks OK. Trudy turns her face away from Oliver and says, "You can still do me from behind." Oliver laughs, but I'm getting a bit tired of the dirty jokes and drunkenness. Trudy really annoys me. Gareth, who's been standing behind them the whole time, says to her, "I'd do you from behind if you want, just a quick in and out, no strings attached." He really knows how to turn even dirty jokes into awkward harrassment moments. Trudy tells him, "That's really sweet! Why don't you put that in an email for me?" I suspect she just wants to send that email to everyone in the office, but I wouldn't be too surprised if she did it with Gareth. Gareth walks away with this shy little boy look on his face, like he offered to have sex but isn't sure if she really wants it yet.

Neil and Finchy talking and laughing. Trudy kissing a guy on the face: "One kiss, two kiss, three kiss, four..." He looks like he's had about enough, even if he doesn't look mad. Ugh, she's so pushy! Some people don't enjoy being kissed by coworkers. It seems rude to just throw yourself on people like that, even as a joke. David looks at Trudy kissing the other guy and gets jealous, not because he cares about Trudy, but because he wants to be kissed too if there's any kissing going on. He sits next to her, "The birthday girl... Hi." He starts talking about how she's kissing and flirting with everyone, "I know you wouldn't take it any further..." It's not really your business, David. It's almost like with Donna. Too bad Trudy doesn't live under his roof! "Oh, I would!" jokes (?) Trudy. "Well, why not... we're all equal," stammers David. If you have to say it, you don't mean it. "Well, I'm just having a laugh," says Trudy. David says he just doesn't know what Trudy wants. He says it in a low voice, but Trudy belts out loudly, "A man! Hung like a shirehorse!" She laughs in a coarse way. It's annoying. David seems disturbed that a woman can talk like this. "Big... big magnificent animals... You say what you mean, don't you?" he says and laughs a bit, to show he approves of it. "I'm just not sure you're going to find what you're after here." How does he know how the guys in the office are hung? "See, I'd ask you but you're a bit old, really," says Trudy. "30's, gimme a break," says David. "Born in the 30's, more like," says Trudy and laughs again. David plays with his tie and says he's 30's, two more times. "Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit," says Trudy looking at his gut and makes a kind of cup with her hand. "I've let myself go? Look at yourself! You're an embarrassment, love, to be honest!" says David, still playing with his tie. He gets up and leaves Trudy to contemplate the fact that two guys told her she's ugly on her birthday. She looks a bit taken aback.

Tim and Rachel are talking to Jamie and some other guy. Tim asks if Jamie said "bullrags", but he actually said "raw eggs", and continues about how it gives you diarrhea but it lets you practice or something. Gross. The camera zooms on Tim's hand, which goes behind Rachel, and Rachel putting her hand in his. It's a tender gesture and doesn't take too long, so it's OK. I didn't really need to think of eating raw eggs, though.

Gareth has wandered awkwardly to where David and Finchy are standing. "So... how's the old car business?" asks David with a grin in his voice, but Gareth just shrugs shyly. He's terrible at parties. Neil asks who's singing the song that's playing. Finchy says it's the Corrs. "I like the Corrs, they've written some good tunes," says Neil. "Didn't write that one though," says David, happy to know more than Neil, as if it matters. Neil asks who wrote it. "Don't you know? Not really into pop music, I suppose." "I prefer R&B really," says Neil. "So who wrote..." "Fleetwood Mac!" says David, cutting him off rudely. His voice sounds like "fine, if you keep interrogating me". "I prefer their version as well," continues David, smugly adjusting his tie like he's the winner of this conversation. Because every conversation with Neil is a verbal pissing contest. But the real contest starts when Neil remarks on the sex aspect of the issue, "I know who I'd rather wake up with." "Sexist, Neil," says David, the sexism guard in the office. Finchy tells a tired joke about the Corrs playing his "instrument". David tells him he couldn't "get one of the Corrs with that attitude." It's interesting that he even tells Finchy that now. Maybe he's just annoyed with Finchy being so chummy with Neil. "Yeah, cos you'd know," says Finchy. Neil laughs. "I don't know what you're laughing at, cos I'm a dark horse," says David. Well, certainly. Finchy isn't convinced, but David insists: "Just because I don't kiss and tell, doesn't mean I don't get..." "You don't normally kiss so you've got nothing to tell!" laughs Finchy meanly. Great friend there, once again. "He'd end up with the brother," says Neil and he and Finchy laugh heartily at David. I hate Neil when he's like this. He totally stoops to Finchy's level. I can see why he'd want to laugh at David though, after all his inanities.

David wants to prove he's the man and starts talking loudly: "I'd push the brother out of the room, I'd get the other three and I'd bend them all over, and I'd do the drummer, the lead singer, and the one who plays violin!" He does a pelvis thrust with each member, and Gareth kind of runs away from that and hides behind Finchy. Suddenly it gets quiet, apart from the music, and everyone's staring at David. It's almost one of those sitcom moments where the whole restaurant is suddenly looking at you. Maybe this could happen, but it seems a bit fabricated, especially when the music stops too. Tim gives an awesome look at the camera. It could be "huh?" but it's more like "are you filming this? Please don't use this." Or it could be shock at David's behaviour. Actually, it's a very versatile look. Nice touch. David points at Neil drunkenly and says, "Oh, see, it's your fault... putting filth in people's minds..." He keeps pointing at him a bit too long, which shows he's drunk. They stand awkwardly for a moment, then sip their drinks as David looks at Neil accusingly.

Credits. This episode's epilogue after the credits has Finchy doing Trudy from behind. They're outdoors, you can hear a car and see a car's headlights quickly showing them, just enough for us to see what's going on, but not enough to make it gross. Even the mental image is gross enough though. "My knees hurt," says Trudy. "Nearly done," says Finchy in a hoarse voice. Ewww.

And now I'm gonna rant about this episode, so you can dismiss this part if you're not interested.
If I had to pick one episode that didn't stand out like the rest of the show, I'd pick this one. The birthday party just goes on a bit too long and it doesn't really add anything to the plot. We've seen Rachel and Tim flirt. We get it. And David hates Neil - we get that too, although it is funny. But it's much funnier to see that in the work situation. It's unnecessary to demote Neil into a slobbering horndog snorting at Finchy's jokes. Apart from Jude and Ray, this episode almost seems like the same scene over and over. It's disappointing, even if I realize even the greatest shows will have some filler. But I know they had these great deleted scenes about Gareth having two girlfriends, and Rachel and Dawn pretending to be lesbians to annoy him. They picked that out and used the awkward love triangle thing instead, and this is the only place where I think their writing failed a bit, because I don't think they were able to make the love triangle interesting at all. It's just a boring clichéd love triangle. I know they've said it brings warmth to the show and whatever, but it really doesn't. The warmth, to me, comes from the fact that the pathetic characters are still pitiable, not hateful. I suspect Gervais and Merchant lost faith in their own idea of having no plot and decided they needed one. They were worried that people would criticize the show for going nowhere and just showing David make a fool of himself over and over. They heard the shippers and responded to their pleas. And I know I already said most of this before, but this really bugs. The last three episodes of the season, however, are stellar, mostly because they focus mainly on David Brent.