Season 2, Episode 4, Part 3: "Bluto"

David's office. He's practicing his speech with Gareth and sheet notes, and it seems like it's completely different from the speech he ended up giving. "I think um, Ray'll introduce me, and I'll come out and I'll do a bit of... you know... few gags..." He starts the actual speech part, and his voice sounds kinda silly. It sounds like he's straining to sound "natural", which always comes off as fake. Plus he sounds out of breath and like he's talking loud, but holding it back so it comes out less loud - actually, it's so oxymoronic it's difficult to describe. Pure David, of course. What he's planning to say goes a little something like this: "Right! You gotta be thick-skinned in business! No matter if you're the tea boy or the general manager, people will try to rock your confidence and shake your spirit. Do not listen to them!" Gareth nods as he's talking, as if this is the most profound advice he was ever given. Next, David's going around in the imaginary audience and points at Gareth: "You sir! What's your name?" Gareth says nothing, so David has to actually say, "Say your name." Gareth thinks for a moment and then says in an excited voice: "Leroy!" Hee! He sounds like this is the highpoint of his day, pretending to be a guy named Leroy. David, however, isn't pleased. He asks where this comes from. "The coloured feller off of Fame." Hee! I haven't seen Fame, but if I had, I'd probably know that this particular guy is the worst possible guy to compare with Gareth. The references on The Office tend to work that way. David's annoyed: "What... Use your own name!" And why, exactly? Here he is giving a fictional speech to a fictional audience and using a fictional audience member to show his point, but Gareth isn't allowed to name that fictional audience member. It's like two kids playing and David's the big one who gets to decide everything. The ridiculous earring makes everything he says look like a joke. "Oh. Gareth," says Gareth, disappointed and embarrassed. Awww.

"Hi, Gareth," says David, giving the camera a look that says, "God, he's a handful sometimes." Don't try to be the adult when we've seen you make a fool of yourself so many times. Or at least take the earring off, you're killing me. "Gareth. Insult me, yeah? Let me show you that sticks and stones might break my bones, but names will never hurt me." Then again in his real voice: "Just throw some insults at me, and I'll show you how to roll with the bunches." He snaps his fingers, as if he's already fending off imagined insults. Gareth, who should have picked something a bit more fictional, tells him promptly: "The Swindon lot don't seem to respect you." David immediately gets offended and says in a high-pitched voice: "Why would they say that! They don't know me! They're not gonna know that... and it's not true! Do something else." Just rolling with the punches. Impressive, really. "A lot of people are laughing at the heels on your shoes," offers Gareth. Hee! David's voice rises another octave: "I'm not gonna be wearing the shoes, am I!" Oh, you were planning to change shoes on your way to the speech? Plus he's looking at the camera while he says it, so he must be thinking, "Please don't use this footage", but knowing that of course they will. "Are you gonna be wearing the earring?" asks Gareth, who obviously thinks David meant it when he said "insult me". David is upset to find out that they're laughing at that too.

"What else?" he says angrily. He looks very upset as he puts his hands on his hips and looks at Gareth intensely. His breathing's gotten faster and he's blushing. "They've given you a nickname," says Gareth. "What, the Swindon lot?" asks David, wanting to believe only the worst of Neil's employees. Nice attitude. "Yeah, but everyone's using it," says Gareth honestly. David asks intensely what it is, and Gareth, who seems to pick up on his anger now, starts to backpedal: "Well, I don't really..." David insists. He rubs his eye a bit. The subtle body language is really good in this scene. "Bluto," says Gareth. "The villain from Popeye?" asks David. He acts a bit relieved, as if he was expecting a much worse name. "Is it cos of the beard?" he asks and makes a cup of his hand, touching his chin. "No, it's because he's..." says Gareth, puffing up his cheeks and making a "fat body" gesture. Hee! You can't say the word fat, but you can make gestures that are a lot more rude and make it look worse. "What's that!" shouts David, now really angry. "That's... I can't believe it!" he says and leaves the room to go tell the Swindon people off. Gareth shouts after him: "Don't go round, they'll know it's me that told you! Daviid!"

David walks near the number bods' table and begins insecurely, "Hello... Sorry, everybody." When he gets people's attention, he starts his speech: "Look, we are one big happy family here, yeah?" If you say so, boss... um, I mean, Dad. He just thinks that saying that will make them one big happy family and he doesn't need to make the effort otherwise. "Now, I've been trying to welcome you new guys. I didn't want you here, but you're here... So, you know, well done... welcome." Brenda, Oliver and Rachel look at David with all the respect and love he deserves from them. Ungrateful bastards, what are they waiting for? He said welcome! You can tell at this point that David doesn't care anymore; he thinks the Swinnies are a lost cause and since they're on Neil's side, they're the enemy. Bluto was just the last drop. He continues: "But... if there's one thing I don't like, it's nicknames. Because nicknames are... bad... names." Hee! This is one of my favorite Brent quotes. It's not really that funny on its own, but the way he says it... It sounds like he sets up to say something profound and important, but what he comes up with is "bad names", and once he gets to the word "names", he tries to sell it as something profound, just enunciating it in a way that sounds important. And, of course, he fails to make it sound more significant than it is. "They're not helpful. They can be very hurtful. Not for me, it's like water off a duck's back." Yes, he's really professional about it. Rolling with the punches!

The male Slug who sometimes shows up but has no name points out that David used to call Malcolm Kojak. "That was affectionate! He was a great detective and a fine actor," claims David. Maybe, but if you call someone Kojak because he's bald, and pretend to shine his bald spot, complete with squeaky sound effects, is that also because he was a fine actor? "Well, maybe Mr Toad's affectionate," says male Slug. Hee! It's even funnier than Bluto. "Who's Mr Toad?" asks David, confused. "Some people call you that as well," says Gareth. "I thought I was Bluto," David says. "Yeah, Bluto and Mr Toad," says Gareth. So not only does he have a nickname, he has two. Ouch! And I thought Gareth was worried about people finding out he ratted them out. I guess he forgot about that. "Why am I Mr Toad?" asks David, doing the same thing he did before with Bluto where he pretends to, or initially does, find it funny. Male Slug does the "fat" gesture. David gets really mad this time. "There's that face again! That's an insult, isn't it? Very... body fascism!" Yes, perhaps, though I think the real joke is that he's the boss and employees will always laugh at the boss. Note that when Finchy's making fun of David's weight, he just laughs it off, but when the employees do it, it's suddenly different, even if Finchy's said far worse things than Bluto and Mr Toad. Or maybe it just feels meaner because he always brings it up. "The toad is the ugliest of all the amfibians!" David continues. That cracks me up every time, because he doesn't get the reference. A little culture for you, David, again courtesy of Wikipedia:

Mr. Toad is one of the main characters in The Wind in the Willows. Something of a fop, he is extremely rich, being the village squire and owner of Toad Hall, but is also conceited, impulsive, and lacking in basic common sense.

When you think of it like this, it becomes even less flattering than if it were just his looks that inspired the nickname. And just because toads are the ugliest amphibians, doesn't mean you're ugly or that you look exactly like a toad. Similarity doesn't mean you're identical. If David were smart or had a sense of humor or a good self-esteem, he could have turned this to his benefit. He could have let the employees know he's in on the joke and finds it funny - sending everyone email with the signature Bluto or put a picture of Bluto on the wall or something. That might have earned him some points. Indignant ranting about bad names is the worst thing you can do in a situation like this.

To take the focus away from himself, David turns to the one guy in the office who is fatter than him, and really shows what a hypocrite he is about body image issues. He points at Keith and says, "If we're handing out insults for being fat, let's have a go at him. Look at him!" David points briefly at himself with his sheet notes and says "where.." but ends there. What was he going to say, "whereas I'm much thinner" or something? It seems like he's too angry to even make full sentences at this point. "And he's got glasses. Let's... foureyes as well! Why don't we call him fatty fatty toad boy if...we're... You know, at least start on him and then move on..." Fatty fatty toad boy?! That's brilliant. That's exactly what a seven-year-old would say. David is using typical schoolyard tactics here: if I make fun of this guy, no one will make fun of me! And he'd be less offended if they started on Keith and moved on to him? Hee!

This strikes me as one of the meanest David moments, but at the same time, the reason he's doing it is just to make himself look better, not out of genuine malice. I don't think he realizes what he's doing here. Also, he seems to find glasses pathetic, since he also made fun of them in the Training Day episode. Poor Keith just keeps chewing his gum. He doesn't try to defend himself in any way. I have a feeling he's heard this all before, maybe his whole life. Maybe he also sees himself as fatty fatty toad boy. After making his point, David just stares at Keith angrily for a moment, as if to say: "How can they like this guy over me?!" Then he says in a very indignant voice, "Mr Toad! I can't..." And with nothing more to say, he just walks away. The employees are giving him looks with varying degrees of despise. I wonder what nicknames he got after this?

The copier spews out papers. The box of toner next to the copier says SHARP. Make of that what you will.

Neil is talking to his employees - or, as David would say, "keeping tabs on him" and trying to catch him on something. Oliver talks about something that he did get sort it out, but it was a mess. Neil asks Brenda how she's doing. She says she didn't get her wages. Neil is shocked and concerned to hear this. "Have you told David?" he says. "Yeah, I told him in time," says Brenda. Neil keeps his cool as he tells Brenda that he's sorry and he will sort this out. "I don't wanna cause..." starts Brenda, sensitive to the tension already existing between Neil and David. "No don't worry, it's fine," says Neil. He's made up his mind about David and Brenda can't make it any worse - it's obvious from this episode.

The camera follows Neil as he walks to David's office, where David is doing situps under Gareth's supervision. Hee! You know, I think the theme of this episode overall is David's vanity, and here we have a prime example of that. It looks like he can't really get his head very high up, and he's groaning, so you can tell he hasn't been working out in a while. When he sees Neil, David gets up with some difficulty. "Working hard?" asks Neil in a tone that sounds rather stifled. "Working out," says David. "Fit body, fit mind..." Or maybe fat body, fat mind? "Good," says Neil, not caring a bit. "Um, a couple of things..." But he is interrupted by Gareth who shows David how to breathe after exercising. Standing very straight, he slowly blows air out of his mouth. As usual, it makes him look really gay. And always so keen on any little power he can get, even if it is as David's fitness instructor. Neil asks if David and Gareth got their wages. They both say they did. "Why then has one of your team come to me saying they haven't been paid this month?" The camera zooms on David, the lyric genius who always has the right words on the tip of his tongue: "Ohh... Cos... uh... No." He looks at Gareth while saying it, as if he's trying to think of an excuse on the fly. The "no" sounds so resigned, like he just can't think of anything right now. Maybe he'd benefit from having a card index of excuses ready. Poor David, he looks so busted. And right after Bluto and Mr Toad!

Cut to a David interview, one of the brilliant "David analyzes the situation 100 % wrong to make himself look better" sequences, where David says, "He fears my methods, because he doesn't understand my methods. You know, human nature, the unknown, sure, but relax!" That is one of his most hilarious self-praising analyses. First of all - what "methods"? Secondly, I think Neil understands exactly what's going on: David is a slacker, he comes to work to entertain, he doesn't actually do anything productive. He has no respect for Neil and his employees have no respect for him. When those are your methods, it's pretty hard to not understand them. Thirdly - "human nature, the unknown"? Bwah! It's like David thinks that he's so outside the box that Neil simply can't comprehend the greatness of his way of life. Whenever someone attributes any criticism with the idea that others are "just jealous" of him/her, you know you're dealing with a first class asshole. And this defense is in the same category. David continues: "I don't want all this: oh what you doing, what you doing? How are you doing it? No! Judge me by my results!" He gives a smug little smile that indicates that he's the winner in the end, because his methods may be unorthodox, but his results are great. When, of course, the opposite is true: his results are poor and his methods nonexistant. Judging him by his results was exactly what Neil was doing. Has he ever complained about David's "methods" anyway?

Neil is talking to David, who has taken a very serious and, again, insulted pose. The defiant look on his face is the worst look you can give your boss. "This is NOT the first time you've forgotten something important, it's not the first time this WEEK!" says Neil, who's really getting fed up with David. Gareth is still in the room, and he's standing by the window looking at Neil with his big bird eyes. I think I'd be giving him too much credit if I said he feels like an intruder. "It worries me when someone feels they have to go over your head and come to me." "Snitches," says David. Hee! Neil continues, this time about David's methods: "You know, I've never seen you write anything down. You've got two computers, I don't even know what you use them for." Now that he mentions it, neither do I, though his interest in erasing his page history was telling. "You've gotta have some sort of system." David points at his head: "It's all up there." He manages to look triumphant at this. Um, David? If you keep forgetting stuff, you cannot claim that. "Yeah, but it's not all up there, is it," Neil shoots him down. Because he fears David's methods. He refuses to believe that it could all be up there, because that's just so unorthodox! "Most of it is," says David quickly and glances at the camera with shifty eyes. Hee, so he admits it's not all up there and he has no system?

"Look, David, I'll tell you now, yeah? When I was managing the Swindon branch, our perception of your branch was: they're having a laugh." David, of course, takes this as a compliment: "Thanks very much." Neil responds tiredly: "No, not in a good way, having a laugh, mocking around at the expense of Wernham Hogg." I think he's getting sick of David's idea that entertainment is more important than work. David, who's trying to win the debate for the favor of the idea "fun is the most important thing", claims things would be worse if they weren't having fun. Yeah, they might actually do some work, god forbid! "I'm not interested in that, David," says Neil tiredly. He's probaly realized that conversation is not the best way to get things sorted out with David, because he'll only get childish responses like that. "I get the impression that you'd rather be popular than steer the ship in the right direction," he says, and yeah, he has David pegged. The sarcasm in his voice when he says popular also speaks volumes. I bet he's heard of Bluto and Mr Toad. I wonder if he was there earlier.

"Well, rubbish," says David, but doesn't elaborate, because he can't. Instead, he turns to the previous topic: "And I resent the accusation, because this branch has performed very well." Neil isn't impressed: "It's performed OK, I want it to perform a lot better." David decides to respond with another batch of management jargon: "There you go, what is 'better'? Because I could show you a graph of people vs. task, and where does the line go..." He makes lines going up and down with his hands, which is the perfect movement to go with that speech, because it really makes no sense. People vs task? Seriously, could he be a little more vague? He basically takes the idea of "statistics prove I'm right" to the extreme, because he doesn't even mention any proper statistics. His hands are enough! He can make his own statistics with those! Neil, who has an excellent bullshit detector and a skill of ending a redundant conversation, says: "The line goes where I want it to go. Now if you can't improve your margin and your volume sales with or without making people laugh, you and I are going to have a very serious chat." David looks at him with his mouth curling to a childish pout. He gets petty: "Is that why you're around all the time, keeping tabs on me? Cos I don't need a babysitter." Neil simply says, "Well, with respect, David, I think you do." Touché!

He continues that the motivational speech might affect David's performance at work. "Might"? Try "already has". "That's extracurricular," says David. "Some people play golf." Yeah, well, that has nothing to do with this, and Neil's point was that extracurricular is OK, but not if it affects your work performance. Which David probably realizes. Neil says, "I play golf." "Well there you go," says David, as if that proves him right. It seems so Neil that he plays golf. He's the very model of a professional manager. "Yes, but I'm performing as I want me to perform. You're not performing as I want you to perform," says Neil as David smiles a very childish and angry-looking grin. He's got a point, even if there's a problem to this idea - he might not have the same standards for himself as he has for everyone else, and he might not be as objective to judge his own performance either. David, of course, uses the most childish possible comeback: "I'm performing as I want me to perform." David, you're not in the position to say that. "I don't want you to perform like that," says Neil, as if he suspects - well, ok, knows - that David's expectations are quite low. "It's a good performance," says David, looking more at the camera than at Neil. "Let's agree to disagree," he suggests. That's about the dumbest thing you can say to your boss. "No, let's agree that you agree with me," says Neil. He almost gets up from his chair and just stares at David sternly for a moment - we don't see his face, but we do see David's, and his grin grows a bit pale. Neil has won the debate. "Ooo, you're hard," says David weakly. "Showing off, cos of the.." and he points at the camera. Of course he'd think Neil does that; it's what he himself does. "I think I've made my point, David," says Neil, "I'll see you later." Neil acted professional throughout this convo. David acted like a pouty child. So yeah, I feel for David who's about to lose his job and all, but Neil deserves to win the argument.

David looks after Neil, looking sad and beaten, but he tries to be brave and smile for the camera. Gareth walks behind him and starts massaging his shoulders. This is one of the most homoerotic scenes of the show. It's hilarious, because it seems like David likes it but is worried about how it will look on camera. "What are you doing?" he says to Gareth. "You looked a bit tense," Gareth says. "I am, with him..." says David but doesn't finish his sentence. "That feel nice?" asks Gareth. "Yeah, but..." says David and points at the camera. "Do some more work on your abs," Gareth suggests. "Not now," says David and points at the camera. He stares at the camera, but Gareth just massages him like this is what he's been hired to do. I wonder how far he would go. Would he shave David's back for a nickel? David leans a bit forward so Gareth can tap his shoulders better. This goes on for quite long, but it's hilarious - it's such a natural moment of Garethness. And Davidness.

People working and looking bored as usual. Rachel is putting on makeup for her date with Tim tonight, because she is completely defined by her relationship with Tim. Dawn is getting ready for her big night out with David. She looks longingly at Tim, who's working alone, and walks up to Tim's desk. She peers in David's door and asks, "Is he ready yet?" as if Tim would know. Now she got his attention and didn't seem quite as desperate as she was. Pretty clever, actually. Tim seems amused at David, but as he turns to his computer, Dawn quickly thinks of another topic and asks him what he's doing tonight. "We're probably going to the pub," says Tim. "We is..?" asks Dawn, as if it's any of her business. "Me and Rachel," says Tim. "Rachel, excellent," says Dawn a little too emphatically. "Just a couple of pints." Tim agrees. "Well think of me, stuck with him," says Dawn and laughs a bit. Tim laughs too. Note that she said what she really means again, albeit jokingly - "think of me while you sit there with your girlfriend, because if there were any justice in the world I would be your girlfriend." She even tries to get him to go along, (half?)jokingly, "Oh, you should come... for a laugh." He declines, "No, I think I'd better stay here." "Definitely WISE," says Dawn. She holds on to Tim's hand for a bit and won't let go until she's right at David's door. A very obvious flirtatious move, and a bit desperate there. Tim pretends he doesn't care and gets back to work, but it looks like he's feeling a bit overwhelmed for the moment.

Dawn comes back out with a look of amused shock on her face. David walks after her in tight jeans and a casual white t-shirt, a cap on and his leather coat swung on his shoulder. He looks really, really fat in that shirt and jeans. It's the worst possible outfit. It makes him look like he tries to look 20 years younger, and he probably does. And fails miserably, as usual. He tries to joke about leaving with Dawn, and it turns as awkward as you'd expect: "Wish us luck..on our date. *giggles* It's not a date. She's got a boyfriend. And I'm paying her! What sort of date would that be? I think you know... *giggles* And hundred quid, what would I get for that? Not that I would cos she wouldn't but... Everything, I imagine. I'm not imagining any of it, but I do know what sort of... I'm just..." Heee! He can never just have a subtle innuendo, always has to explain it and make it worse. Dawn looks at him, not so much offended as amused, waiting for him to dig his own hole. Tim looks amused too. "OK, then, there we go. Ah! Carry that, that's what you're being paid for," he says and drops a heavy-looking bag at his feet. Oh, so she's a mule now? Dawn looks after him incredulously and then picks up the bag with some difficulty. And I guess David had to think of some job for her, because he's too (weak) important to carry a bag like that. Dawn's in for the night of her life.