Season 1, Episode 3, Part 3: "Quiz Officials Only"

Investigation and Meeting Room has turned into Quiz Officials room. Tim and Dawn walk in as Gareth is preparing the quiz questions with the help of some books. Seems so old-fashioned to go through books for this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I love books, but the Internet is the fastest way of finding current information. Gareth tells Tim and Dawn they can't come in or they will be disqualified, "quiz officials only". Hee, officials. It's a tiny office quiz. In David and Gareth's world, of course, it's like the world championships of .. common knowledge, I guess. Dawn looks at the questions just to spite him and Gareth declares them both disqualified. Tim asks for his help and he says he hasn't go the time. Tim says it's about the army and, of course, Gareth always has a minute for that. He listens sternly, not looking at Tim when Tim starts to ask him, clearly buttering him up just to humiliate him, if "a military man like you, you know, a soldier" could ever "give a man a lethal blow". Gareth, of course, thinks it's an honest question and tells him he could if his life was in danger. He doesn't seem to notice that Dawn is giggling. Gareth needs some kind of bullshit detector. Actually, it might start beeping every time Tim is in the same room, so maybe it would make working in the office difficult. "If he was coming really hard?" clarifies Tim. Gareth says yes. Dawn asks him if he could "do it face-to-face with a bloke, or if he always imagined taking a man from behind." Gareth assures her that either way is easy for him. "Lovely," says Dawn. Oh Dawn and Tim, you're so mean to him, and yet I'm on your side.

The camera is shooting David Brent from behind his office window. He's browsing through a book. David, you're in the same office with a computer. Use the Internet. Ricky, on the other hand, is using a printer or copy machine, which seems to have an "offline error 243". I love how they added that detail, because it means absolutely nothing to most viewers, just like the price of mat-coated paper in the first episode. David walks in and Ricky asks about the copier, but of course David doesn't care because it's work related. Duh, Ricky! Today is about the quiz! David feels the need to tell Ricky Dostoyevski's full name and year of birth and death, as if he doesn't already know. David really thinks everyone is as ignorant as he is. With the possible exception of Chris "IQ of 142" Finch. David relates why Dostoyevski was exciled in Ziberia. He's smug because Ricky doesn't seem to know about it, but when Ricky recalls that he wrote "House of the Dead" in Ziberia, David just nods and says "yeah" weakly. He obviously doesn't know this stuff. He says "ahh... " in his trademark way, the same sigh he always makes when he's gonna end a conversation abruptly and just leave the room. Ricky is left at the copier, and his smile implies that he might have purposely embarrassed David there. And can't blame him a bit if he has.

Tim has gotten further in his little conversation with Gareth. He describes a situation where the enemy has discovered Gareth's camp, "and they've caught you with your trousers down and they've all entered your hole..." Gareth just says that it wouldn't happen because he would have been waiting for them, "watching the hole, using it as a bait." Tim repeats this: "You'd use your hole as a bait?" I cannot understand how someone can be in the army, territorial or otherwise, and not hear a bunch of dirty jokes all the time. How does he always miss this stuff? Although I doubt he had many friends in the army either. He probably spent all his time shushing others at night, telling on them to the higher-ranking soldiers, and being the butt of practical jokes. Dawn tells Tim, "You are how old? 30? And you're getting off on pretending that Gareth is gay." Even now that she's spelled it out to him, Gareth doesn't get it, and as Tim plays along and laughs, it comes off as Dawn thinking dirty. "You think she's been on the wacky-backy?" asks Gareth. Wacky-backy? That's a new drug term for me. Tim and Gareth high five and laugh as Dawn smirks at them. Or at Gareth, really. She's smirking WITH Tim.

Ricky is showing Donna how the copier works, as David walks in again. "We were talking earlier about Dostoyevski's House of the Dead?" he says. I can't believe this guy. Actually, I can, because I work with someone pretty similar to that. She's not my boss, but she does walk around with a constant smirk on her face and telling others random facts just to impress them. I hate her. Ricky sighs deeply and says he might have mentioned it. He sounds like he's had enough of the topic. David tells him more facts about Dostoyevski. Ricky tops him again by telling him his favorite work by D is Raw Youth and analyzing it as a criticism of science, which probably goes completely over David's head. David says, "Ahh..." again, then looks at his watch to appear busy and goes, "Yeeahh..." and leaves. Another smirk from Ricky. I'm really starting to like Ricky. He's responding to David's jerkitude with a nice polite meanness. And he's so much more intelligent, mature, and educated than him. See rest of the episode for more signs of that.

The next scene is all about Lee and his jerkitude. Some employees are sitting in the break room having coffee. Lee tells the others about his plans for his and Dawn's future, which includes such exciting things for Dawn as "getting a few kiddies under her belt", living with Lee's Mom, and getting a part-time cleaning job. Dawn looks depressed and bites her nails. When Lee's finished, she says, "Gotta dream a dream", a comment Tim laughs at. Lee decides to take offense and tells Tim he can tease them when he gets a life of his own. Dude, you just planned living with your mother after you have kids, so how is that any different from Tim's life? Tim gets him to cool down and they drink their coffees in silence. Happy birthday Tim. Dawn? Still biting her nails. I hate Lee and their whole relationship, because it's so obvious that Lee is just trying to control her. I actually think the whole triangle drama between Dawn, Tim, and Lee is unnecessary. I know it's supposed to highlight the idea of being stuck with a dead-end job and dead-end life and not going anywhere, but it's not funny and gets depressing at times. Somehow, as a female viewer, I find Dawn's situation frustrating. Why doesn't she have the guts to leave him? Why does she feel obligated to put up with his bullshit? But then there are women like that in real life - and maybe it's even subtle social commentary from the writers.

David is asking Gareth more about the quiz, because far be it from him to forget about it for a moment and get some actual work done. Finchy comes up from behind him, motioning to the others to keep quiet, and hits his ass or something. David is childishly excited to see him. Finchy starts right away with the dumbest fat jokes you could imagine, jokes which Ricky Gervais undoubtedly wrote himself. He loves making fun of his weight. Finch starts with "when's it due", one of my pet peeves. You hear people joke like this about fat guys all the time and it's so not creative or funny. David offers a feeble joke of his own: "Here we go, fasten your seatbelts." All aboard the cliché train! "There's no seatbelt that fits around you, you fat bastard," counters Finchy. David's not big enough for jokes like that, but whatever. He says something I can't really decipher, "All food that I paid for", maybe? And pats his belly. Finchy makes another lame fat joke: if David jumped his fat would all get stuck at his chest. He holds out his hands and talks in a lame mock voice: "I'm David Brent! I'm David Brent!" It's so third grade. David laughs like it's the best joke ever. Tim looks at the camera in shock. David says Finchy is like Jim Carrey on acid. "Worse," says Finchy. Well, certainly less funny. Closeup of Tim who forces a benevolent smile on his face.

When they're done with the fat jokes, Finchy launches on another lame guy banter issue, which is gay banter. "None so queer as folk.. or David Brent." David tries to banter back, but Finch is too fast for him. Like your least favorite schoolyard bully, he will turn everything you say against you. "Speak for yourself," says David, but he starts mumbling. "Come on, spit it out, as your boyfriend said last night," says Finchy, revelling in his own "brilliance". "I was gonna say that back at you," says David. If the moment for the comeback is gone, it's gone. Don't say you were going to say it, just leave it. "I don't have a boyfriend, you do," says Finchy. He walks ahead of David into another room. "Ah, god.. Finchy!" says David, still grinning like an idiot. He looks at Tim for a moment as if he's expecting a huge laugh from him. Tim is still smiling in a forced way as he walks away. The boss is gone, Tim. You can drop the act and roll your eyes at the camera now. Actually, if he did that, David would see it on the documentary. So nevermind. Smile, Tim, smile for your life.

After a Boring Employee Montage - a BEM, if you will - David and Finchy enter the break room - only it doesn't seem like the same one the employees usually sit in. It looks a lot bigger and there's a bulletin board with, among other things, a picture of a woman in scanty clothing, the trademark of a workplace with guys. The trademark of a workplace with nothing BUT guys is, of course, a picture of a woman with nothing on. Finch shakes Ricky's hand like the gentleman he isn't and tells him he heard about Blockbusters, and he's gonna "need more than that tonight". Yeah, because a small regional office quiz is so much bigger than a national quiz show. "I heard about Dostoyevski, and I read a book a week, so..." So what? It's so pathetic that
a) David told him about the Dostoyevski thing, and
b) that Finchy really thinks it's the frequency or quantity of reading that counts.

Dawn drops something into the bin, stooping quite near to Finchy's pants, so he has to joke about it: "While you're down there, love.." That's gross. Dawn just looks indignant and walks away. David grins and tells the others it's harmless. Is it? I think it's sexual harrassment, actually. Finchy says something about being "up to me nuts in guts" if he spent half an hour with Dawn. Eww. Tim calls him on his bullshit right away, and asks him what types of books he reads. David says it's science and nature books, "everything on the trivia subjects.. in books.." So he prepares for the tiny office quiz all year round? That's sad. Also, Dostoyevsky and trivia? Not the same thing at all. Keith looks on, chewing gum or something. He manages to bring something into the blank stare, even if he's not even saying anything. David stupidly remarks that Tim and Ricky haven't "read a book between them, college boys." Hey, college is all about reading books. I read 1000 pages for one particular history test. Finchy predictably thinks students are a waste of space: "Oo, I don't do anything all day, but oo, I need more money to do it..." Oo, I'm Chris Finch! I'm stuck in a boring paper merchant job and I envy students because they're actually going to have opportunities in life! David laughs like a girl and says, "Political..." I love how he uses one adjective to sum something up. Especially when it's the wrong one. Ricky remarks that he worked when he was in college, but Finchy has to have the last word, no matter how lame: "Yeah, right. And what was your job? Professor in charge of watching Countdown every day?" That doesn't even make any sense. David laughs stupidly again. They are so Big Dog and Me-Too. "Clever AND funny, I bloody hate him," says David and pretends to punch Finchy. "That's why I get along with him." Right. Or maybe it's just because you're the only one who will laugh at his lame jokes? Finchy has yet to show any signs of intelligence, so maybe his IQ of 142 was achieved by cheating in the IQ test. "Similar," adds David after a moment of silence. Yeah. Their humor is equally bad, for sure. Only Finchy's is meaner.