Season 1, Episode 3, Part 2: "Large Inflatable Cock"

I've never noticed how many obscenities this show has. All the gifts they give each other are naughty novelty gifts, for one thing. What's up with that?

Lee comes in with Tim's present, which is huge. Tim shakes hands with him and seems flattered. He happily sits down on the sofa next to Dawn's desk, thanks Lee and Dawn, and opens it. It's, well, a large inflatable cock. Tim's reaction is hard to read. He doesn't look altogether amused by the gift, and maybe he's thinking of what his parents will say when he comes home with a huge inflatable cock. He also says what the gift is out loud, and as they said on Seinfeld once, if you say the name of the gift, you don't like it. Try it yourself. “Ah... a pair of socks! Striped! How nice!” Dawn asks if Tim already has one, and Tim says you can never have too many. Dawn asks if he'd rather have had money, but Tim says he would have gotten an inflatable penis anyway. He's cute.

Sadly, David and Gareth show up, and David shows juvenile excitement over the cock. He grabs it and starts making lame jokes. “Exsperminate!” Lamely and nonsensically, he continues with: “Hello, Austin Powers! I'm the naked Mini-Me!” That's gross. Mini-Me was a midget – or a dwarf? See episode six – and to imply he looked like a cock is... Well, leave it to David to come up with size-racist stuff like that. Even if we all know he thinks of himself as Austin Powers. “Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town...” he says and puts the cock on his forehead. “Dickhead,” says Gareth weakly. Very creative. So are David's puns though. “Ringo Starr, Whose Line is it Anyway,” says David. I didn't get the reference, but whatever. It's probably not funny in this context anyway. Gareth finally gets a chance to hold the cock, but can't think of anything. He tries to come up with something, but David says, “Don't grab it unless you've got one ready, cos it slows you down”, as if he's coaching Gareth in standup comedy now. He can't think of anything new to say himself though, just holds the cock on the appropriate place on his body and says, “Ahh.. that is brilliant.” You or the cock? Actually, either way: No it's not. “Happy birthday,” David tells Tim, as if he cares. “Remember: You're only as old as the woman you feel.” See? He was just saying it to set up a joke. A lame one. He giggles inanely. Gareth says he uses that phrase sometimes. David calls it his own catchphrase and tells Gareth that he doesn't mind “influencing the other comedian... You're not a comedian..” Neither are you, David. He wants credit for his catchphrases. I think that falls into the category of “Don't think of me as your boss, but know that I am”. And seriously – who credits others for catchphrases? Especially since David so did not come up with that one. He lists others that he supposedly thought of: “Same shit, different day”, “Exqueese me”. Tim suggests, “Wank you very much”. David says he thought of that one and he sometimes tells a waitress that. Gross. He giggles again. Dawn looks like she thinks David is really sad. And she probably does. David makes up a new one, “witnesses that I started this one”, he says and points at the others. I don't think anyone else will want credit for this: “I'm not saying he's unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come up sucking his own thumb.” Brilliant, David. I wonder if the writers are trying to make a point about dirty jokes being lame, coming to think of it. Hardly any dirty jokes on the show are funny, and they're usually made by the characters with the lesser sense of humor. Gareth says, “I thought you suck knobs.” “Do ya?” says David and giggles some more. Dawn, Lee, and Tim are just sitting there looking bored, and in Dawn's case, quite shocked at the sheer stupidity of the two “comedians”. Tim looks into the camera smiling rather fakely and lifting his eyebrows as if to say, “What can you do?” “They're cracking up,” says David. They keep joking, but we move on to a David interview, thank goodness.

“Yeah, there are limits to my comedy,” he says. Can't say I disagree there. He says he would never laugh at the handicapped, “because there's nothing funny about them.” He says sometimes healthy people will look at the handicapped and think, “Oh look at him! He's not able-bodied! I am! I'm prejudiced.” I love that fake quote, especially “I'm prejudiced”. Because who thinks they're prejudiced? David goes on to say that “the little handicapped fellow” - patronizing much? - is at least “able-minded”. But he ruins even this condescending point by adding that it's hard to tell when someone's in a wheelchair, so you should just be nice to them all. Really, I think David would come off much more open-minded if he didn't try and convince the viewers of how open-minded he really is. Smug look at the camera.

Cut to a bit later, it seems. Dawn comes up to some co-workers' desks and tells them not to forget Tim's birthday, and that they could go down to the pub and have a drink. David, who's looming nearby avoiding work as usual, hears this and tells her not tonight, because it's quiz night. Dawn asks him when it starts, and David says, “Seven. Always.” as if everyone alive should know this. Dawn says they can have drinks at six then. Dawn's a good friend – or more than a friend? - for Tim. David, however, doesn't really care about his birthday. When Dawn asks him if he'd like her to get Tim a card, David just says, “Whatever.” He really cares about the co-workers. He also feels the need to mention, once again, that Finchy's coming down. He's like a 12-year-old waiting for his cool older cousin to visit. Dawn and David have a little battle over the last word, as he keeps repeating “starts at seven” and she keeps adding “drinks at six”. Angela smiles at Dawn and works at her desk dutifully. She's usually shown working and being meek and friendly. I kind of like her. I seem to notice all the secondary characters more this time around. I never paid attention to them before.

The number bods are working, looking bored like always. Ricky's sitting with them. David comes in and asks if they're studying for the quiz. I don't think anyone cares about the quiz other than David and Finchy. David asks if the three accountants – Keith, Sheila, and another female employee – are a team again. He seems like they're not much of a threat for his vast knowledge. He asks Ricky if he's gonna join. Ricky says it's not his first time. He laughs a bit self-consciously and says he was on Blockbusters. David seems a bit put off by this. He tries to belittle Ricky's achievement by saying if he was one of two contestants, that's cheating. Ricky says it was just him. David asks what he won. Ricky says he won “two gold rounds – camping equipment, walkman”. David says he usually gets five rounds right. What, while watching the quiz? Ricky seems dubious and says you have to really know a lot to get five rounds. David asks Ricky to give him one of the questions in his quiz, “fingers on the buzzers”, he says and looks around to see if anyone's laughing. The camera doesn't move, but I think I can safely assume no one is. Ricky's question is: “Which Y had a hit single “The Only Way is Up” and sang with the Plastic Population?” David immediately says Yazoo. Ricky says it's Yazz. David starts saying that he thought of Yazz and said Yazoo by mistake, but Ricky counters that he wouldn't have gotten a point for that. “I wouldn't have said that on Blockbusters,” claims David. Right, because this was just for fun and if he really were on the show, he'd suddenly know things he doesn't know now. He wants to give Ricky a question of his own, but doesn't come up with anything. He stops to think for a loong time. Ricky asks if he needs a hand, but he doesn't, of course.

Dawn is trying on Tim's HatFM. They flirtatiously talk about the hat and how Dawn could have it on weekends. Joint custody? Are they ready for that?

Back at Ricky's desk, David is still thinking of something to ask. He's sitting in this position with his mouth open and his arms up, just like he's ready to say it any minute, but really you know he's just not thinking of anything and he tries to buy some time. Ricky says this is gonna take too long, and David stutters that he had an idea , “It was gonna be 'What D...' and the answer was gonna be Dostoyevski.” That's sad. He can't even think of any of the novels? Ricky suggests, “What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel Crime and Punishment?” David dumbly asks Ricky if he would have gotten it. David, he thought of the question! Ricky jokes that he would have guessed. David says you don't get points for guessing. What? You do get points for guessing if you guess right. “Unlucky,” he says to Ricky and smiles like an idiot, his ego apparently soothed. Ricky sighs deeply when he finally leaves. Great boss, interrupting people's work to "entertain" them.