Season 1, Episode 3, Part 4: "The Quiz"

And finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. Well, the moment David and Finchy have been waiting for: the quiz is beginning. We're at a pub. Gareth is standing on stage and in the fine tradition of all amateur performers, shouting into the microphone, which responds by giving some loud noises. Talk in your normal voice, Gareth. He doesn't get it, so he just puts the microphone quite far from his mouth. He introduces David and Finchy's team, "The Dead Parrots". They do a short and very poor imitation of Monty Python's Parrot Sketch, which is surely imitated by many amateur comedians in pubs all the time. David always does the same high-pitched mock voice when he tries to imitate someone. Someone should tell him. Oh, wait, they can't - they'd be fired. "Monty Python," says Gareth and laughs awkwardly. Apart from David and Finchy, no one else does. And really, I bet they do that same bit of the sketch every year.

Gareth starts to ask the first question, but Dawn interrupts him, "David!" David gets up and says, "Oh yeah," like it's a big chore. He tells everyone it's Tim's birthday "and he's 30 years young". Original AND funny, I bloody hate him. Tim gets a round of applause and David puts his hand on his shoulder for a moment. "What better way to celebrate than a battle of wits, so..." he says and sits down to start with the quiz. Yeah, the quiz is all about Tim and his birthday. "Speech!" yells Dawn from the back, and Tim gets up to make a speech, but Gareth starts asking the first question, so he just sits down instead. Aww, poor Tim. Too bad his birthday was on quiz night, or he might have gotten a little bit of David's attention. The first question is a military one. Why am I not surprised? It's an insanely difficult one: "In the mid-1960's, US Army replaced all existing infantry guns with M-16 rifles and which [blabla technical talk about weapons]?" Finchy writes something down immediately, but Tim is dumbfounded. "You what?" he says. "Just write down the answer if you know it," says Gareth. Yeah, standard quiz question there. Very Gareth.

David interview. He mentions once again that they have been champions for six years now, and then tells us that they nearly lost it two years ago, "unjustly". Oo, that must have been tragic. "Gareth was quiz master then", he mentions pretty redundantly, because I bet Gareth has been quiz master as long as he's been in the firm. And that might just be his whole working life. The problematic question was "what race is Mr Spock?" I hear even nerds fight about this particular one, so it doesn't seem like a "right or wrong answer" type question to me. "Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect," says David. His eyes get a bit wider and he looks quite fanatic. "Mr Spock is HALF Vulcan, half HUMAN. OK?" Whatever you say, David. You're my authority when it comes to Star Trek. And business skills. And really, any topic in life. You're just so full of wisdom. He continues that Gareth wanted to give everyone a point, and that apparently still upsets him: "No, everyone does not get one point. 'Carpet munchers' don't get a point, 'Dr Wankenstein' doesn't get a point, 'Stephen Hawkin's football boots' don't get a point." Carpet munchers?!! David tells us he went home to get a BOOK to prove it. Seriously. He doesn't realize how pathetic and desperate that makes him look. "Everyone went, yeah yeah you were right, you won, sorry." Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what they said. "No apologies necessary. Let's just go on with the quiz." Smug look at the camera again, grin. "But remember..le..learn." I love how he slurs it, and also the whole point which is so... pointless. Classic David.

Back at the quiz, the second question deals with a Paul Hardcastle song that deals with - you guessed it - war. Tim asks Gareth if all the questions will be about the war. Gareth gets defensive: "No! There's one on tennis, one on the Suez canal... Loads..." Yeah, such different topics. He launches straight into question three: "Which canal connects the Mediterranean and the Red Sea?" He looks around in an insecure way, but I doub he realizes the blunder he just made. At least everyone will justly get a point for that one.

Gareth interviews that he doesn't want to get into the Spock incident again. He sums it up in his usual formal way: "Questions were asked, certain parties were unhappy... The questions were solved, end of discussion." And even if he just said he won't comment on it again, he tells us what he said at the time: "Look at his ears." A very Gareth comment. It's a hilariously petty issue to fight about.

In another very petty fight, and increasingly drunken David Brent is laughing at Ricky because he confused Nick Kershaw and Howard Jones. David and Finch try to explain which one Nick Kershaw is, but they're both so drunk it just turns into slurring and weird gestures. They act totally superior, maybe because this is the only topic they can really rub in Ricky's face. Ricky points out that this is old entertainment, 60's and 70's. Finchy doesn't accept that 30 years old is old, which is the first sign of aging. They raise voices and Tim tries to shush them down, but Ricky wants to prove himself to the others and asks them which insect produces gossamer. He says "Finchy" with the sarcasm it deserves. Finchy can't think of it, and Ricky smugly tells them it's the spider. Finchy points out that spiders are arachnids, not insects, because they have have eight legs instead of six, a fact that David repeats several times, laughing at Ricky as if he knew it himself. I think they should have known it from "gossamer", but of course Finch acts totally superior and tells Ricky to have another few semesters in "the university of life". I think he could stand to take a few semester in the high school of life himself. He still acts 15. Tim bursts out laughing, and David seems to think he's laughing at Ricky, but he's probably just laughing at "it's my birthday and I have to listen to this". A bit dejected, Ricky takes a swig of his beer, but he's not defeated yet: "We'll see when this is over". And at this point, I think most viewers really want The Dead Parrots to lose.

David interviews some more about the Spock question, trying to prove it's so important. As usual, he does it through a poorly chosen metaphor: if you took an Alsatian/Labrador mix to "Crafts", which I guess is the biggest British dog show, you couldn't show the dog either in the Labrador or Alsatian section, because it's neither. "Now get that dog out of my sight. Thanks, I will. You've proved my point," he continues, which cracks me up, because he just lives so vividly in these absurd metaphors. "And that's Crafts.. alright?" he tells the camera with his signature smug expression. Yeah, a fictional dog show really proves that you should win the office quiz. Every year. He says that last line slowly and smugly, as if to get the point through to even the dumbest viewers. I love how Gervais plays it so subtly.

The next question is easy for the young folks: "Who had a hit single with Don't Speak?" Ricky is triumphant, while The Braindead Parrots aren't sure if it's No Doubt, 4 Non Blondes, or Hootie and the Blowfish. How can you confuse No Doubt and Hootie and the Blowfish?! I wish Ricky pointed that out to them, but he doesn't. Well, that's what I'm here for. Tim says something about "east... east side...", which I hope has to do with another question, because it definitely has nothing to do with No Doubt. Dawn tries to get his attention by throwing a pen at him. Sometimes their flirtation is so fifth grade. Dawn looks cute with her braids. Back at the Poor Monty Python Imitations table, Finchy is blaming David for "poisoning" his thinking process with 4 Non Blondes. Listen Finchy, if you know you know, and if you don't it's not David's fault. David feebly says both groups are good. "Don't guess, think logically," says Finchy. It's not about logic, though, it's about memory. People are apt to remember the songs of their youth better than the stuff that came out when they were in their 30's. "No logic to music, it's art," says David. Hee! David drinks more beer, which is bound to make him think more logically.

Finchy rubs his brow and Tim asks him if it's the first time they lose. Finchy replies that the right questions aren't coming. Ricky points out that a quiz should be random. Finchy says it's "randomly awful" - which has all the maturity of "I'm losing! This game is STUPID!" - and that next year he will think of the questions. There's competitive and then there's compulsive. Finchy wants to prove he can think of a question offhand: "Choose a topic." Ricky chooses sport, which doesn't explain why Finchy asks him for the capital of Iceland. Ricky promptly gives the right answer, of course. "Is that still a sport?" Tim quips. Gotta love Tim. Finchy asks him about the capital of Borneo, but Tim couldn't care less who wins the quiz, and gotta love him even more for that. "Don't have one. See? That was random," says Finchy. How was that random? Ricky argues that it wasn't, while David takes a call and leaves the table.

The camera follows David as he talks on the phone to a doctor, who apparently takes care of his Dad. "He's asked about me?" David says and lies he's "snowed in at work." He tells them to give his Dad sleeping pills. Before hanging up, he asks the doctor if he knows who sang "In the Summertime." "Mungo Jerry! Cheers!" After abandoning his sick Dad and cheating in the quiz, David "Got up at 3 am to Convince my Dad There Wasn't a Sniper on his Roof" Brent returns to The Poor Losers table. Our hero.