Season 1, Episode 2, Part 1: "The New Girl"

Credits. The house of Wernham Hogg looks really sad.

David's office. David says, “What you wanna know?” and shows something he has on his desk, “Seen this? Clock..calculator.. all in one, so that's great, thank you!” The camera pans on Donna looking at David like she's already pretty bored with him. David plays with his tie awkwardly before stepping closer to the answering machine, which he turns on. There are some messages. “Ah, here we go. Three,” says David, showing three fingers. “Hello, David, this is Paul Shepard. Can you give us a call, mate? Cheers.” David says, “No!” and bursts into a giggle. Soo sad. “David, it's Julian. Give us a ring then.” “Go away,” he says to the machine. “Good bloke, good laugh,” he says to Donna, who looks like she doesn't know how to react to the “humor”. “David, it's Paul again, I think...” “Leave me alone!” yells David. In a really awkward moment, he pretends to throw the answering machine out the window, gets tangled in the cord, and almost drops it. Startled, he puts it back on the shelf, “That's alright, it's alright there.. let's...” Obviously embarrassed, he says that's the office, “Let's get you started.” Donna looks pretty amused as she walks out of the office behind David. Yeah, the best thing about him is the unintentional comedy.

Another meeting about the redundancies. David says they will be fine, “because they said clearly that the most efficient branch will incorporate the other one. We are the most efficient branch, cogito ergo sum, we'll be fine.” He smugly adjusts his tie as if to say, “David has spoken.” Hee, “cogito ergo sum”. He totally doesn't know what it means. He should have said “thus”. In an interview, David says the employees don't need to worry. “They trust me implicitly. I've said there will be no redundancies, so that becomes gospel.” Is he comparing himself to Jesus? “Unconditional trust, it's fine, mutual reciprocated.” He does like those big words, even when he can't really communicate something through them. He's worried that “the powers that be” will come to the office “with their RULE BOOK” and notice they're having fun “whilst getting the job done” and “the sword of Damocles hanging over them”. That's quite many bits of jargon in a few sentences. “This isn't in the rule book – who's in charge here? Guilty! Get a new rule book!” I love his made up examples, because they usually get so complex that it could never really happen. Who says there even is a rule book?

Cut back to the meeting where David says, “It works with the turtle,” and everyone laughs. People are laughing with David and not at him? Did hell just freeze over? David introduces Donna, “the daughter of best my friends Ron and Elaine”, the names of Stephen Merchant's parents. That's the second Elaine they've mentioned, too, so I think it can't be a coincidence. David mentions that Donna is staying with him – poor girl – and that her Dad is a cop, and a big guy at that, so he tells the guys to keep their hands off. That's kind of sexist to begin with, but then the guys start with stupid jokes: “I've got something she could take home for evidence”, “do you want to receive some stolen goods?” - from Keith.. what does that even mean though? - and Gareth says, “Wouldn't mind escaping out her tunnel.” What?! Everybody's laughing, including David, and then he suddenly tells an employee to get out and says it's a shame. “I..will not.. have her tunnel.. bantered around this office.. willy.. nilly.” Maybe he can start by not calling it a “tunnel”. Or, you know, not mentioning it at all. Donna looks embarrassed. David asks Dawn what Donna should do if she has trouble with the men. “Kick them in the balls?” offers Dawn. “Oo, feminist,” says David, showing he doesn't know what a feminist is. Gareth tells Dawn, “Get your bra off!” “Do you wanna go out as well?” says David to Gareth. “Sorry, burn your bra.. Feminist.” Well, it's still not funny, but... “Good point,” says David. Yeah, great point. Just like everything that comes out of Gareth's mouth. Gareth keeps babbling, “obviously keep your t-shirt on...” David ends the meeting and everyone files out. Donna looks like she's already been publicly humiliated, even if the day's only starting.

Tim and Gareth's desk. Gareth is trying to get something to come out of what I think is a roll of Scotch tape, but he's doing it by beating it on the table, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. He keeps doing it until Tim laughs at him and says, “What are you doing? That's ridiculous.” Gareth just looks at him with this offended look in his eyes that says, “What, I can't even breathe now without being laughed at?”

Dawn picks up the phone and puts someone through to the right person. Her job seems so boring.

David is introducing Donna to the other employees. Gareth gives her an unnecessarily long handshake with both hands. David tells him just a handshake. Next up is Ricky, who seems to like Donna right away, and the feeling is mutual. They share a flirtatious handshake. David scolds, “Even longer...” Tim and Donna just wave at each other. “Good,” says David, as if he has to approve of the handshakes. David tells the others to show Donna the ropes, “but first methinks the lady does need a chair.” OK, that's one of the worst Shakespeare quotations ever. As David and Donna start to walk away, Gareth, who isn't facing them, tells them that Donna should sit with him, because he's team leader – and as he turns around, they're gone. “David!” he says and follows them. Unintentional fun at Gareth's expense, once again.

David interview. He says people tell him, “Would you rather be a funny man or a good boss?” Do they really say that? He says his reply is always: “To me they're not mutually exclusive. There's a weight of intellect behind my comedy.” Must be really far behind. And really lightweight. He says if he had to name three geniuses, he wouldn't say Einstein, Newton.... and he can't think of a third one. “I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.” That's British comedians, whom I don't recognize, other than John Cleese. It's still a great quote though. Because really, he's saying he's a comic genius.