Season 1, Episode 4, Part 3: "Ultimate Fantasy"

The camera shows the outside of what seems to be a window high on a very drab building indeed. Only this time it's red. Isn't the office house grey? Maybe they're in another building. OK, I won't obsess over this, but the point is the house looks boring and uninspirational, as it should.

Back inside, Rowan has gained his composure and he's telling the employees that this day is about them getting to know and trust each other. Um, ok. They only work together 8 hours a day, so if they don't know each other after that, maybe they don't want to. Tim and Dawn are looking tired and bored. They play with each other's arms in a hard-to-describe gesture. I can only say it looks very natural and like flirting, so it might well be ad libbed. Rowan starts to introduce an exercise, but before he can do that, Lee knocks on the door and asks to talk to Dawn. Rowan tells her to go meet Lee. I think it's disturbing they're having this personal fight in the office while working. Is it really like this in day jobs? I only work part time as a telephone interviewer, so I feel like I don't get a moment off until it's 9 pm. Then again, I'm getting paid by the job. But I digress.

The exercise is simply that everyone says their name and their ultimate fantasy. It should be simple enough, but nothing is simple for David and Gareth. Rowan kicks off by saying he dreams of having his own island. Then it's David's turn. He starts to split hairs about whether the dream should be possible or not. Rowan looks really tired, as David manages to turn a simple question into one of his great babbles: "If you're talking about anything that could or could NOT be possible, actually, you know, anything that could be conceived of.. to.. happen or not..within.. my... realm...then I guess some sort of everlasting life. I don't mean in a spiritual sense, but actually to see the future and know what it's like to live on.. and on.. and on.. forever." I love how he jumps straight from "life" to the redundant explanation, because he does it so quickly. It really sounds like Ricky ad libbed this, but I don't think he did. Gotta admire him. Also, the dream is so typical for someone like David. His life is already pretty sad and he wants that to go on forever? Tim says he's starting to know what an eternal life is like, and as a smart guy, he does know how it would feel: it would be the ultimate boredom. A childish guy like David just thinks it would be cool and exciting.

Dawn and Lee fight in the corridor. I think this part probably was ad libbed, because they talk over each other. They repeat things like "You have your say, why can't I have my say..." This quickly gets boring, even if it only goes on for a few seconds, and we cut to a Dawnterview where she tells us that Lee and her have been married for three years, and he proposed on a Valentine's Day with an ad in the paper. "I think he had to pay by the word, because it only said: Lee love Dawn. Marriage?" She reads out the question mark. Dawn says she likes that because "it's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty." Well, it's one of the two. She does it in this perfect voice that implies she's not all that happy with it, but she's trying to show to the camera she likes it, because Lee will be watching. She gives the camera a little uneasy smile. Great naturalistic acting, once again.

Dawn comes back into the conference room and yells after Lee: "Don't call my Mom again!" Lovely. The other employees surely appreciate all this drama. Rowan says, "Dawn do you want..." but she just lifts a finger at him - no, not that finger - and walks back to her seat. I love Dawn. Gareth comes in carrying a bulletin board, and Rowan asks him to share his ultimate fantasy. Lesson of the day: when you're dealing with young guys, don't use the word fantasy unless you mean it in a sexual way. Gareth delivers this gem with a totally serious face: "Two lesbians probably. Sisters. I'm just watching." Sisters?! Where are you going to find lesbian SISTERS who would do it while a guy is watching? That is wrong in so many ways and yet it's awesome, because Gareth says it. Then he looks around like he realizes what he just said. Even David sees something wrong with it, as he furrows his brows. But then he might be mentally playing the scene Gareth described and trying to look like he's not having a boner. It's hard to tell. After a moment of silence, Rowan resumes and asks Tim. Tim says, "I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth, please?" I think he's just trying to tease Gareth, but he sounds completely serious, and Gareth nervously looks around as if to see if he's expected to elaborate on the lesbian sisters and their sexual adventures.

David smiles in a moronic way as Rowan presents another theme for today: MOTIVATION, written on a projector slide. But it's not just motivation, it's MOTIVATION! you know, that's not what projector slides are for. If you want to project something, it should be visual in some way, and I think a big word is not really motivational enough on its own. Not to mention that projector slides are so old-fashioned. But then, when was this show made? 2000? Maybe it's feasible that a small office couldn't afford anything fancier at the time. Rowan asks Keith what his motivation for working here is. Ooh, goodie. I have yet to see a scene with Keith that wasn't brilliant. David, of course, replies for him: "Being part of a team." What? How is that a motivation? Isn't "teamwork" one of those things that every ad for an open job is advertising? Rowan tells David to let Keith answer it himself. "I'm just saying, that's probably what he'd say if you asked him," David says. He really can't handle it when someone else has the spotlight, no matter how small the issue. "Well I am asking him and I'd really like him to answer," says Rowan. I like him. David does one of his "I may be wearing a suit, but I'm still ten at heart" moves and asks Keith, "Do you wanna answer him? Thanks." He then lifts his head and plays with his tie again. David has spoken. Even if he really should have kept his mouth shut.

Keith, in his usual perfect monotone, says: "This job is a stop-gap really... The job's not difficult and I'm not taking my work home with me... It's pretty brainless." That's awesome, because Keith gives an impression of not actually having any thoughts himself. If HE finds the job boring, it must be really bad. David, of course, is offended. He keeps saying, "hmmm...hmm.." in a deep voice all through Keith's speech, and then gets all defensive: "On your level, maybe, but..but.." Keith awesomely interrupts him, because he's a slow talker and he was just taking a break between sentences: "Ultimately I wanna play music.. write music and play in a band." Yeah, he is so rock'n'roll. Even when he's DJing in some episodes, he just stands there and works on the turn tables like they were calculators. I love this character. He's just so deadpan, so understated, and they don't use him too much to wear him out. Keith rocks.

David finds a way to bring the topic back to himself: "Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, next!" He always emphasizes the last word so that it sounds funny: Nexttt. The camera does a little shake back and forth as poor Rowan, who has his head resting on his hands at this point, tries to ask Keith something, but Dawn interrupts him to ask David if he was in a band, "Like a rock band?" David is happy that the focus is back on him and says yes. "What were you called?" asks Dawn. Oh Dawn, don't get him going. "Foregone Conclusion," says David. And that is brilliant, because who's more prejudiced than David? Rowan tells David this is neither the time nor the place. "Well, I have to deal with the questions," says David, and his smile implies that if this training day is a pissing contest between him and Rowan, he just won. Because he was in a band. He's cool. Tim asks what David did in the group. "Singer/songwriter," says David and looks at the camera with this fake-humble smile that says: "FINALLY I get to show the viewers at home that I am a rock star!" He turns to Rowan and says, "Lyrics man mainly, but you know...The music came... easy as well, so..." But of course. How could creativity be hard for someone like David? He does a ridiculous little "playing the keyboards" gesture as he talks about the music. Then he combines his fingers with his trademark smug smile. "Are there any more questions for David?" says Rowan. "No? Good." David points out that he didn't give them the chance to ask anything. He points at Dawn and asks her if she'd like to ask something. Of course she has to come up with something now. She asks if they were successful. "Were we successful?" says David slowly. "I'll let you be the judge of that when I tell you that we were once SUPPORTED BY a little-known Scottish outfit called Texas." Oh, so Texas warmed up for them? Why do I suspect it was the other way around? And before Texas even became famous? David's gleeful smile says: "I have now proven that I am the star and everybody will love me." Everyone except Rowan, who looks at David angrily as he gives a little fake laugh.

David interviews that people come to him and say, "Oh David, you're a brilliant singer/songwriter, you're stuck in Slough. Whilst Texas, they're off making all the money. And they're rubbish compared to you." Yeah, I'm sure many people have told him that, considering not even his own employees knew he used to be in a band. That's actually kinda off character, coming to think of it. Wouldn't he have said that on his first day as boss? "Hi all, I'm David Brent, I'm your boss. But don't worry, I'm just a chilled out entertainer. In fact, I used to be in a band. A little known band called Foregone Conclusion."*plays with his tie* I can just see that. In the interview, David once again goes into his scenario as if it were reality and says, "Don't slag them off," with an indignant look on his face. "I've been there, I've done that, I've left that behind me." Yeah, so he's actually better than Texas because he's moved on and they're still doing it. He tries to play modest as he says they're good in their own fields: "I'm sure Texas couldn't run a successful paper merchants', and I couldn't do... Actually I could do what they do... And I think they knew it back then... Probably what spurred them on." Right. It all makes a lot of sense, because
a) David doesn't run Wernham Hogg;
b) He wasn't in a paper company while they performed together; and
c) You can't really compare a regional manager at a paper firm to Texas, no matter how much of a has-been rock star he is.

Someone like David who has to be the center of attention all the time wouldn't have left a band unless he had to. Which means they bombed. And if Texas had opened for them, I don't think Tim and Dawn would have to ask him what his band's name was, because they'd know him. It's all a bit sad, but also hilarious, because it's happening to David, so of course he acts like he's the biggest star in the world. Incidentally, Ricky Gervais used to be in a band in the 80's. If you're interested in seeing a much younger, leaner, meaner Gervais, you can check a part of the music video here.