Season 1, Episode 4, Part 2: "Who Cares Wins"

The video rolls. It is indeed cheesy and 80's, and I think it's Gervais/Merchant's way of laughing at training videos at work and educational videos in general. First we see ridiculous 80's graphics: grey, white, and green boxes just sliding in and out of the frame. Remember when all graphics were like that? If you don't, consider yourself lucky. Ricky and Donna watch with their arms folded, looking a bit sceptical. The name of the video comes on screen with the text "presented by Peter Purves" under it. Am I supposed to know who he is? Actually, he's not credited as "himself", so he might really be a made up person. When they show the video, you can see a lamp's reflection on the screen, which is a nice touch.

Cut to a middle-aged man watering a potted plant in a set that looks like an office. But it really does look like a set, because it's only three tables and one filing cabinet or something. No people, no phones ringing, so it lacks that office feel. Peter Purves - but I'll call him Purvy - turns to face the camera and says: "Hi", as if he only now noticed he was being filmed. He moves around in the mock office and asks what the most important asset of a business is. "Staff," says David smugly and looks at the others. He's leaning back in his chair, his arms folded over his belly. He manages to look both over-attentive and arrogant that way. "That's right," says Purvy. "The customer." David shrugs and says, "Different angle." Well, David has a rather unique angle, like when he was saying before that today is about customer care, or in other words, the staff. Staff doesn't really equal customer, David. Coming to think of it, he's not in touch with the customer but rather deals with staff, so it's understandable he'd think in this way - especially considering that he's not a particularly good boss, so he can't put himself in the position of his employees.

Purvy goes up to a desk and shows an open suitcase containing wads of cash. They represent this year's profits. "And this is what you're doing to those profits if you underestimate the value of customer care," says Purvy menacingly and sets fire to the bills. Ridiculous 80's warning music plays as the bills burn. Oo, I'm scared. David redundantly tells Gareth, "That's not real money. You know why?" He keeps leaning back in his chair and turning halfway round to face Gareth - who is still taking notes, by the way - and seems like this ADD kid in class, who can't sit still even for a short video. Gareth is clearly trying to pay attention to the video and doesn't reply anything, so Tim says instead, "Cos you'd be mad to burn it." David is happy to tell them this bit of trivia: "No, cos it's illegal to destroy anything with the queen's image of the realm in it." That's a bit weird. Even if I guess burning the US flag is also illegal. I'm not sure. David is talking quite loud, and Rowan has to act as the teacher: "Can we just watch the video?" David doesn't seem to pay attention to him, but he is quiet for a moment. Purvy tells us, "Statistics show that if you're treated well, you tell five people. If you're treated badly, you'll tell NINE." The warning music plays again. David nods smugly when Purvy says five and makes a somewhat surprised, yet completely overacted, face when he says nine. He's obviously thinking of the camera. Gareth has stopped writing, so we know he's thinking. He asks David if you can set fire to a postage stamp. David claims that postage stamps are actually legal tender and a bus driver should accept them. Tim doesn't buy that. "If he doesn't you can report him," says David. "I'll report him when I'm walking home," says Tim. "You can take a taxi if you have enough stamps," suggests Gareth. "Or cash it in at the post office," says Dawn. "Shouldn't have to, shouldn't have to," says David and taps his arm, pleased that he got to share a completely useless and unrelated piece of information. I think Gareth was genuinely interested, while Tim and Dawn were just playing along so they don't have to focus on the video. Rowan doesn't say anything, but he looks at David like he can't believe the boss is distracting the employees. That just shows he's new here.

Back in "Who Cares Wins", we see a rather unlikely scenario. A stereotypical young female employee is talking on the phone in overexcited tones: "Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Oh REALLY? Well I said to him..." The sexism is palpable, as an important male customer tries to get the woman's attention and she simply says, "I'm on the phone." The customer leaves and the picture freezes. Purvy is imposed over it and tells us, "Well done. That customer won't be bothering you again... ever." Yeah, because this happens so often. In a "what should have happened" scenario, the woman immediately tells the customer, "Excuse me, sir, I'll be with you in a moment." The customer smiles happily, as if he just wants to be noticed. Because customers, the salt of the earth, are always kind and meek if you only treat them right. There are lots of people who would simply have yelled, "Get off the phone NOW, I'm in a hurry!" The woman rather unbelievably tells her friend, "I'm sorry Jean, I have to go now, I have a customer. I'll call you back at a more convenient time." Yeah, I always talk to my friends that formally too. The picture freezes to a frame where the woman looks at the customer obediently. Purvy comes on again and tells us that it really is that simple: you just acknowledge the customer and everyone will be happy. David is shown nodding again. He has that look, as if this was really his idea, only the video writers happened to say it out loud first. Gareth is still thinking hard with his pen in his hand. It's hard to guess what his mind is on - using postage stamps as legal tender, or how to use a pen as a lethal weapon in the jungle? Dawn looks at Tim, trying to engage him in some laughing-at-the-video, but Tim just looks tired.

Cut to later. On the video, "SeeU Opticians" is operating in an office with one of those vision tests on the wall. Except that it says, "Have you heard of customer care" in letters that get gradually smaller and smaller. The optician tries to shake hands with a potted plant. He tells it, "Your prescription will be ready on Friday, madam." "Fine, see you Tuesday," says the woman, who's trying to shake hands with a rack full of sample frames. I think my sides just split from laughing. Purvy closes with "Make your motto: Who cares wins." Yeah, I think we got that already. The woman sees him and asks for his autograph. "Thank you, Mr Noakes," says the woman and Purvy grimaces at the camera. David laughs out loud, obviously expecting others to laugh too, but no one does, because it's not funny. In fact, I think I saw the same joke on American Idol a few years back. That's how bad it is. David doesn't want to lose face, so he claps his hands and says, "Very good. Very good." Gareth gets the joke now and tells Tim, "John Noakes." David explains that they worked together on Blue Peter, "That's what the reference was," and he's still laughing. Sad.

Rowan decides to take over and tells them it's "time for the dreaded role play." David makes an "ughh" sound, which is lame and unnecessary, like just about everything he says in this episode. Rowan takes David first, calling him "your leader", which David likes. Rowan tells them to applaud, but only Gareth and Tim seem to do that. David says he's done it before and Rowan says that makes it easier. Well... We'll see. Rowan wants to start with something nice and simple. "Hard as you like," says David who thinks this is a test where he gets to show his acting skills. Rowan tells the employees you always need to improve your customer care skills, and David keeps nodding and intersecting "yeah"s and other comments just to show that he's always one step ahead of Rowan. Rowan's idea is to act out a scene where - "and this will be the wrong way to do it," he says and David fakes a laugh again - a bad hotel employee is confronted by an unhappy guest. David totally misses the point and says, "If it's a Basil Fawlty type character, maybe I should play him." Rowan says it's just to "kick things off." David tries to make himself look like the star still and, playing with his tie, he says he'll "probably bring something to this role anyway". It's not an audition for a Hollywood movie, David. Rowan emphasizes many times that this will be the WRONG way of doing it. I think the writers have taken part in some rather redundant training sessions in their time.

As they begin, David just stands there for a moment and then asks Rowan what the complaint is supposed to be. Great ad lib. Rowan says just anything will do. "Anything. Because there are no right or wrong answers," David redundantly tells the employees. "Then we tell you the right answer afterwards," he adds, undoing his whole point. Rowan is getting a bit annoyed at David already and tries to make him focus, "OK, you've got a complaint?" They get into the scenario. David is actually doing fairly well at first. Rowan plays a very annoying hotel employee, taking on a really rejecting, arrogant look. I think he's acting out some of his tensions towards David, as he repeats "I don't care". David, who thinks this is a competition, suddenly screams, "I think there's been a rape up there!" Everyone stares in shock, including Rowan. Gareth stops writing for a moment, but then resumes. I'm pretty sure he actually writes "I think there's been a rape up there." David smugly tells the employees to "Get. Their. Attention." That's brilliant. The next time I want to get someone's attention, I'll just scream out that someone's been raped. That oughta show them. Rowan recovers a bit and comments on it, but David won't let him talk.
Rowan: "Ok, there were some interesting points there..
David: "Very interesting points."
Rowan: "Not quite the point I was trying to make..."
David: "Different points for different..."
Rowan: "I'm more interested, really, in customer care."
David: "So am I."

I feel for Rowan, having to work in this environment, but it's still hilarious to watch. David suggests that he could play the hotel manager, and Rowan obliges, rubbing his face with a gesture that looks very tired. Rowan comes to David, complaining about the room not being cleaned. David basically mimicks his earlier performance, saying, "I don't care", and then suddenly asks, "What room are you in?" When Rowan says the number, David says there is no room by that number. "Sometimes the complaints will be false," he tells the employees. "OK? Good." Yeah, I hope they got that, because that's probably exactly what Rowan was going for. In an improvised play, there's always the risk of someone coming up with something idiotic like that, and then that's the reality of the story and you can't change it anymore.