Season 1, Episode 5, Part 3: "Health and Safety"

This part is only 3 minutes long, while the previous chapter was 8 minutes. I actually think the next two chapters could have been one, but that would mess up my delicate system, so this will just be a shorter post.

Gareth stands next to a bulletin board where he's written "Health + Safety Training with Gareth Keenan". Brilliant. Especially since Donna is the only participant. Gareth, rather redundantly, introduces himself. He actually reads out every word on the board and points at them with his marker. "That's me," he says and chuckles a bit when he comes to "Gareth Keenan". Donna looks at him with her arms crossed, her eyes full of contempt. Gareth tells Donna that "there are many hidden dangers in the workplace, and we're going to find out what those dangers are together." Right, because Donna probably has no idea whatsoever about those dangers. I didn't see Gareth give Ricky this same training when he started working at Wernham Hogg.

Gareth shows an empty mug and tells her to imagine it's full of hot coffee - "It's not, OK? Because that would be dangerous even in a training situation." Donna looks at him with an expression that shows not only contempt, but pity, because he's obviously so inane. It cracks me up. The facial expressions on this show speak volumes. He says they will play a fun game he devised, because he wants to have fun "while teaching people" - surely he does that a LOT - and he also likes to "have a laugh - in and out of work. The fact is, a few of us are going out tonight..." Donna senses a long boring story coming up and says, "Shall we crack on?" Gareth shuts up, looking a bit embarrassed, but tries to play it off, of course: "Good. Keen. Excellent." He has that David-esque one-word-sentence style sometimes. I shouldn't be surprised, though, since he's meant to be like a younger version of David.

Gareth's little game is as follows: he will put the mug in a place "where someone might put a mug" and Donna has to yell out "safe" or "dangerous". Wow, that's a barrel of laughs. I bet they'll be reminiscing this ten years from now and talking about how fun they had - on the day they fell in love. Or at least that's what Gareth is expecting to happen. "Think you can manage that?" says Gareth and chuckles again, as if he's talking to a 5-year-old. Man, that is so not the way to hit on a girl. Donna looks at him again with the same mix of pity and contempt as before, and it's still funny. She gives the camera a side glance. Gareth places the mug on the computer monitor, which is really realistic. I know so many people who keep their mugs there. In fact, I have a mug of steaming hot coffee on my uneven monitor top right now. I'm so glad Gareth taught me this is dangerous. Donna immediately says, "Dangerous."

Gareth stays fixed in his position and clearly has to think a bit. Did he expect it to take longer for Donna to come up with the right answer? He hasn't put very much thought into this "fun game" of his. Donna stares at him as he tries to think. Then he slides the mug onto the other edge of the monitor. Wow, so different. Gareth looks at Donna and lifts his eyebrows as if this is a completely new issue. "Dangerous," says Donna again. "So what have we learned now?" asks Gareth. If you're gonna have a fun game, think a bit ahead instead of making it up on the spot? Learn to read a woman's body language when she clearly hates you? No? "Don't pour coffee over the computer?" says Donna in a voice that sounds pretty fed up with the whole "health and safety training". "Any fluids," says Gareth, as if Donna thought it was specifically coffee.

Tim drops a letter on Dawn's desk. "It's first class," he says. "You doing alright?" asks Dawn and he stops to talk to her a bit, but they're still awkward around each other. "Having a good morning or a bad morning?" says Dawn. How is it morning? I thought Gareth's "seminar" was at 2 pm. "Bit of... hah! Oh god... bit of a mad morning," says Tim, stretching while he talks, because he feels uncomfortable. He tries the old jovial tone, but it doesn't seem really natural. They both inhale deeply, trying to think of something to say, but then Tim just says: "See you later." Dawn looks after Tim piningly. Dawn, walk up to him and kiss him and get it overwith. You know you want to.

Gareth tells Donna how to lift stuff. How does this even relate to Donna's work? She sits at a desk. The fluid thing at least had SOMETHING to do with what she does. Plus everyone knows this stuff. Somehow I suspect that this is the first health and safety seminar ever, and also the last one. It's fairly obvious what he's doing here, and Donna's not falling for it, yet she has to stand there and listen because it's at least somehow work-related. Gareth tells her the two things she should remember: "keep your back straight and..." "And bend your knees," interjects Donna. Gareth pretends he didn't hear that: "Keep your back straight and BEND YOUR KNEES." Yeah, I think she got it, Gareth. He shows the correct and incorrect way to lift with a huge, empty box. Then he asks if Donna wants to try it. "I'm fine," says Donna. Gareth tells her he has to check the box, so he needs to see her try it. Donna's box is, of course, tiny. Because women are so fragile and weak, and the size of a man's box is in direct correlation with his physical attributes. They do it together a few times. I mean the box lifting, not the thing Gareth is planning to do with her later. Gareth, boring a girl to tears while treating her like a child is NOT the way to get her interested.

Tim is in the tiny office kitchen getting some tea. He looks in Dawn's direction. Dawn is scribbling something with a marker and looking kind of pained. Tim looks sad. Yeah, here we have a couple that actually care about each other but can't act on it, while Gareth is just being oblivious and wasting Donna's time. It still doesn't justify the "pining for each other = romantic" formula that has been used in nearly all sitcoms I know. Rachel and Ross come to mind. That's not a good thing.

Back in the meeting room, Gareth is getting a little too excited about his own exercise, because he's having her do it again and again. "One more time - nice straight back, nice straight back, that's it!" You're not her coach! I wonder if he's doing it just to get a sneak peek inside her shirt when she bends over. Donna looks at the camera like she thinks it's really childish. It's a brilliant little look of amusement that mocks Gareth. It's like winking at the viewers: "We all know what he's doing, don't we?" Gareth asks if she knows how to do it now. "I can practice it at home," says Donna. Her body language speaks of discomfort as she has her arms crossed, looks at the floor, and flinches when Gareth swings his arm her way.

Gareth says if she wants to "talk about anything at all, just come in..." Suddenly he starts talking in a quieter voice: "I know you've um... I know you slept with a gentleman..." Gentleman? Hee. Gareth wouldn't know a gentleman if one hit him in the face. Actually, I can really imagine that happening sometime. Donna quickly makes her escape: "Are we done then?" and starts to walk away. "You made a mistake, that's fine," says Gareth. That is just so wrong on so many levels. For one thing, butt out, she's not your girlfriend. Secondly, how noble of you to forgive her for sleeping with someone else when you're not even together, and calling it a "mistake". "I haven't made a mistake," says Donna. Gareth makes it even worse, if possible: "I was just wondering, are you gonna be sleeping with him again or ... spreading it.. around..." Spreading what around? This is one of the grossest Gareth moments ever, and yet I can't really hate him. He's just so sad and pathetic.

As Donna leaves, Gareth remembers the camera and tries to pretend it was really all about health and safety. But he can barely face the camera and his voice falters. I feel sorry for him all of a sudden, even if he acted just as gross as David did with Karen. Gareth babbles: "Good... Yeah. Excellent pupil, fast learner. She won't be... spilling any fluids... or lifting things incorrect. A, I will give her... A." He shows a form where he writes a big A. I bet he made it himself and printed it out to make it look more professional. I wonder if David knows about this seminar - actually, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. Would he have allowed it? Gareth and David have the same subtle way of approaching a lady, too, which explains why neither of them has a girlfriend. And end of a very short chapter.