Season 1, Episode 5, Part 2: "The Way Forward"

David interview. He says the "bosses" are panicking - and he makes quotation marks with his fingers, as if they're not really his bosses. They are your bosses, David. Try not to forget that. They'll be watching the documentary. He looks at the camera with a smile that says he's being funny, but he's not really. He's just misusing quotation marks. He continues that the bosses are going, "Cut back, lose staff, that will save us money. Will it, yeah?" he says and apparently tries to look like he's making the viewers think, but it looks more like he's pretending to be an owl, because his eyes bulge out weirdly when he does it. "Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run?" Well, if you already have enough employees and you need to cut back, it's pretty impossible to save money by paying wages to more people. "Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No, he turns up in a newer car. Perception." What does that have to do with anything? I doubt the salesman's firm affords him a more expensive car for "perception" purposes. The Wernham Hogg finances are none of my business, but if I were Jennifer, I'd tell David to buy pussy with his own money. From an actual hooker who will actually put out.

David says that the employees have to trust him. He shows he's been spending too much time with Gareth: "I'm taking them into battle, and I'm doing me own stapling. A sergeant major spends all his time training his men to be killers, he doesnt' polish his own boots." That's a really bad example. For one thing, David's pretending to be soo busy, yet we never see him doing any actual work. For another, he can't save the employees from downsizing, and if he still thinks he can, he's cheating himself. I love how he basically just admitted that he is lazy. How long does it take to staple a few papers together? Would the employees really trust him less if he did his own job? The third very obvious problem with his example is so obvious he even gets it himself: "He probably does polish his own boots... but... you know... it doesn't mean.. It doesn't mean I have to do my own filing!" He says that last part louder, as if he's just getting fed up with having to justify his decision to hire a secretary. But really, in the army, the leaders put their own life on the line as well, plus they take care of their own equipment. And when you think about it, a corporate boss is the opposite of that.

Dawn walks into David's office and opens the door as he's moving a chair closer to his desk. Obviously he's preparing for the interview of a lifetime. Dawn asks him if he's ready to see Karen Roper. David says he is, and the camera follows Dawn as she walks to Karen, and then turns back to David who, oblivious of the camera behind the Venetian blinds, opens a GQ magazine and rubs his wrists and neck on a perfume sample therein. That's got to be one of my favourite silent moments of the show. It's so vain and desperate. David? You're not 25. You're not handsome or witty or charming. You are middle-aged, fat and sexist, and your jokes suck. Karen will not fall madly in love with you just because you use perfume samples from a magazine. It's just so sad. David puts the magazine back on his desk and assumes a serious, pondering pose with his head resting on his right arm. He's quite the philosopher. Like Des'ree. Then he suddenly sprungs up from his chair, looks out the window with his arms behind his back, and looks at the empty chair, nodding approvingly if condescendingly. Hee, he's actually practicing cool poses. As Karen and Dawn walk up to his room, the camera pans behind them. They walk into the room and find David - sitting on his desk with one foot on the floor and the other dangling "carelessly" on the desk. He's got one arm near his crotch, the other bent far back on the desk, and his coat looks like a button might come off at any minute. And he has that gross grin on his face that he had on earlier when he stared at Karen. Run for your life, Karen. It's not too late.

"Hi," says David, whose grin would make anyone uneasy. "Let's get you sat down," he continues. "OK," says Karen and turns to the seats far away from him. "No," he says quickly, "I've got one over here...ready." He almost panicked when he thought she was going to sit on the sofa. He has to sit in his Big Chair and be the big man, so he can impress her. But they have to sit close. He's got this all figured out. Karen sits down, and David sits on his Big Chair - and rolls it a bit closer to Karen. Ehh. "The interview," he says and makes a square or something with his hands. He leans over to get a paper. "Karen Roper - Curriculum Vitae," he reads out loud, and as usual, his voice suggests there's something funny about either the words or the delivery, which... not really. He leans back, spreading his legs, perhaps imagining Karen on top of him already. Give her a few hours to settle in, David. The suit looks really small on him, and we debated with my girlfriend whether it's just really old and got small, or if David is too vain to buy his real size. The latter option seems more likely. Either way, it exposes a bit too much of his physique to an increasingly uneasy Karen. She tries to look away and sits in a very rigid position as David lays back and peruses her CV, as if he cares.

He asks Karen to tell him about herself. She starts with education, but David cuts her off: "Too boring. Tell me about yourSELF." He draws something in the air again, and it looks like a female body to me. Maybe he meant to draw... actually, I don't know. The gestures are probably just meant to keep him from jumping straight at her. David leans forward, which looks odd, but maybe he's doing it to hide his boner. Karen says she's into music and films, which is pretty generic. "Des'ree?" suggests David and points at the printout, probably ready to break into song at any moment. But Karen tells him she doesn't know Des'ree's stuff. David, still leaning forward with his head almost touching his knees, puts Karen's CV on the floor, which doesn't seem entirely logical. Then he springs back up and leans back, as Karen tells him she took a year off last year and "exploring..." "Exploring yourself?" offers David, who has now assumed his "philosopher" position. Karen seems a bit thrown aback, but continues: "..and Asia." Again, pretty generic. David asks if she went with her boyfriend, trying to make it sound casual. "No, I was alone," says Karen and looks down. "Good, by yourself," says David in a relieved tone. "Good. Getting what you can while you're young," he continues. Karen looks very uneasy now and even gets up and adjusts herself a bit. Her body language says: get me away from this seedy old man! She says in a shaky voice: "I ... don't know.. whether..." but David's busy making some kind of obscure hand gesture again. It's like a bird...or a plane... flying towards her. Oh, I see now: must be Superman. "You've charmed me," he says. Eww. "Got the job." He claims to have thought of his decision, yeah right. He adjusts his coat, which can't follow his constant position changes and has slid up his gut a bit. He keeps making nervous movements still, as he tries to be professional about the hiring, telling her they'll work out her notice and that she has a month's probation, "but it's just to see if we..." He does a little dance with his arms pointing at her. That is so inappropriate, once again. And really, if they don't hit it off, sex wise, he can always fire her. Gotta love that probation.

He asks her if she's going out tonight to celebrate. "Do you know the Chasers?" she asks. "Ah, I can't believe it," David says, undoes his coat buttons and plays with his tie. His body language completely relaxes at this point, and you can tell from his grin that he's thinking: "Score!" Dude, she just goes to the same bar, it's not a commitment to sleep with you. "If you see three debauched drunkards in the corner, keep away from us," he jokes. "No, come over, come over. The drinks will be on me... IN me," he continues and pats his gut. He plays with his tie again, and I pay attention to its horrid ornaments... what are those? Big flowers or something? Tacky. "What time you gonna cruise down there?" David asks as if they just made a date. Karen tries to backpedal: "It's not definite that we're coming down there..." He tells her to come down there as if she's just shy, "Definitely." David, YOU don't get to decide if it's definite! She has a right to steer clear from you outside of office hours.

"What's your tipple?" he asks. "Umm.. vodka and Coke?" says Karen with a little laughter in her voice, because seriously, why are they still talking about this? But David now thinks he needs to tell her not only his own favorite drink, but those of Finchy and Gareth as well: "Me lager... uhhh Finchy...lager... Gareth lager... sometimes cider, so... different drinks for different... needs." She doesn't even know who Gareth and Finchy are! And yeah, totally different. It's the same drink for all of them. And the same need: to get laid. And I love how long it takes for him to think of "lager". Seriously. Every guy I know drinks it. It's not that special. Karen gives a forced little laugh and looks at the floor, because David's still really spread out on his chair. He tells her, "Well done" and they shake hands, finally giving her the opportunity to leave. He tries to hold onto her hand a little too long, but she just leaves. I'd love if she just walked out of Wernham Hogg and never came back, but I guess she's desperate for the job. David looks after her with his lewd grin, putting his thumb against his teeth. He looks like a 16-year-old who thinks he's getting laid for the very first time. He tells the camera, "New secretary. Good. Efficient", as if he's incapable of full sentences when he's this turned on. He makes a hand gesture again and it seems to be a tree... or a straight line... I don't know. I probably wouldn't recognize his idea of "efficient" if I saw it expressed graphically, anyway. He does a little stretch forward on his chair and lets out a deep sigh. I don't want to think of why he feels like stretching forward, again. I suddenly feel dirty just looking at him.

Keith and Tim are sitting in the break room. Tim is leafing through a magazine, while Keith is just ... staring ahead. Brilliant. He doesn't look at Tim as he says: "So you resigned then?" Tim absent-mindedly says yes, he just needs to make it official. "Embarrassed yourself and all, asking Dawn out," says Keith as if that's a completely normal thing to say in a conversation. His tone is the exact same one as always, so it's hard to tell if he's trying to humiliate Tim or just making observations. He's awesome. Tim gets defensive and says he did it as a friend, but he ends up saying the word "friend" three times, which makes it sound like he doth protest too much. Keith says "Right, right," not because he's embarrassed for saying something so rude, but because he wants to avoid open confrontation. Silence falls between them. Keith breathes heavily and opens his mouth to say something, but then closes his mouth again. He probably lost his train of thought. If he ever had one.

Donna's desk. Gareth walks in and asks her how she's doing and if she's settling in alright. She doesn't respond. Gareth sits down on her desk and then jumps up, removing a stapler from where he was going to sit. "Who left that there," he says and laughs awkwardly. Um, probably someone who doesn't use desks for sitting on? it's only seedy little men trying to impress younger and more attractive women who sit on desks, it would seem. He tells Donna that there will be a "health and safety seminar" later on. He goes on to say that it's compulsory yet fun, and gives one of my favorite Gareth lines ever: "I like to inject my own sense of fun into the proceedings." That's so dry and humorless, it's hilarious. We already know his sense of humor, or lack thereof. Dude, if you have to tell people you're funny, you're not funny. Gareth says the seminar is two o'clock in the meeting room. Donna, who has been watching him in disgust, now turns to look at her co-worker's computer rather than looking at Gareth. Her hair is messy enough to suggest she had sex last night and didn't go home.

Keith and Tim again. Keith inhales deeply and exhales again. "Just looking at the brochure at the moment?" he says to Tim. It's a brochure? Ah, maybe he's looking at university brochures. "What did you watch on telly last night?" he continues almost instantly. "I didn't watch the telly, I watched a video," says Tim, and I love how they both seem to assume you have to watch something. "I watched that Peak Practice," says Keith. "Bloody repeat." He's staring into the distance and looking vacant as usual. "Annoying, innit?" says Tim politely. "Not for me, I hadn't seen it," replies Keith. Hee! Tim lifts his head from his brochure and looks into the distance for a moment, then resumes. Keith sighs deeply again. "Boring, isn't it? Just staying in and watching Peak Practice with your life." His voice assumes a hint of a tone, a little laughter. If I listened to Keith long enough, I could probably find a whole range of nuances. The many shades of dull. "Yeah," Tim says. "Not for me, I like it," says Keith undoing his own point again. Hee. "Yeah, I just stayed in and had a biiiig wank," says Tim as if that's completely normal. Awesome. He got tired of his work and all of his colleagues, including the clueless yet well-intentioned (?) Keith. He's giving him a taste of his own medicine. Keith bites on a Scotch egg, but suddenly stops chewing and stares at Tim. Even in his vacant head, that was a faux pas. Brilliant scene. And it's a really long scene, even if it lasts only for a minute or two. It's got many long silences. I love that about the Office. They're not afraid of putting a silence here and there. It doesn't have to be joke-joke-joke.

Karen is filling out a form at Dawn's desk and asks if more information is needed. Dawn says no, "He won't read it." Karen chuckles a bit. I can see them bonding over how horrible David is. And speak of the David, there he is, grinning again in the background. He stands there for a moment, and then - starts kicking a soccer ball. Seriously. Does he keep one in the office or has he brought it to work only because of Karen? Either way: lame. When Karen sees what he's doing, she ducks a bit. Yeah, it's not exactly safe, and David should realize it's the dumbest possible thing he could do to impress her. He mutters something about Brent passing the ball to Roper. "I bloody love football," he says as he kicks the ball to Dawn's desk. He rings the bell on the desk. "Lager - vodka and Coke," he says pointing at Karen. "Ah, the dreaded form," he continues. "Married or single? -That doesn't matter." David, you are stupid. You could just READ THE FORM. And maybe look in the mirror. Just because she doesn't have a husband or boyfriend, doesn't mean she'll sleep with you. "Bring your boyfriend tonight if you want to," he offers in a last desperate attempt to know if she has a boyfriend. Karen admits she doesn't. "Whatever," says David. Yeah, he totally doesn't care. Suddenly he accidentally head butts Karen. Dawn looks shocked and runs over to help Karen as David starts making sexist comments to take away the embarrassment: "Sorry. That is a man's game... Accidental. That's why they shouldn't get involved." Yeah, don't go to work, women, because there will be men playing soccer and you might get hurt. Karen says she can't see anything. She's crying from the pain. I know David didn't mean to do it, but man. Who told you to kick a ball around the office to impress a girl? you're not ten.

The photocopier is spewing out papers. A package of paper next to it says "Canon GENUINE". It might be product placement for Canon, and it might also be a clever way of inserting a little comment. If David were genuine and didn't try to impress others, he'd be much more likeable.

Tim's still in the break room - no use working when you know you will quit, right? - leafing through the brochure as Dawn walks in with a salad and a bottle of water. A very girly lunch. Tim and Dawn are completely awkward around each other now and they do a little nervous dance before Dawn sits down. She uncorks the water bottle, still feeling awkward, and then tells Tim they should go for the drink some night. "You, me and Lee, all three of us," says Tim. "I can probably get someone to come along." "In the next few weeks?" says Dawn. "Definitely," says Tim, rubbing his neck uneasily. "I'll just check..with Lee..." says Dawn, and silence falls again. They both look down, and the camera zooms out a bit so we can see the distance between them. They're sitting on opposite sides of the room, not looking at each other. It's a nice visual, but...

I'm gonna say again that I don't like this. I've never been a fan of unreleased sexual tension. Yes, Dawn and Tim are good together - so have them be together. Lee is a one-dimensional character who's only there to be Dawn's Neanderthal boyfriend, and he doesn't add anything to the show. Lose him, have Dawn and Tim be a couple and snog in the office and pick on Gareth together. Have them fight in the office and give separate interviews about how annoying the other one is. Have them get married. Because that's how it plays out in real life. If you want a realistic show, don't have people pining for each other for years on end. That's a cop-out. When I fell in love with my girlfriend, I told her, "I'm in love with you, do you feel the same?" She did, so we got together. It was that simple. And it was awesome. Of course, she wasn't seeing someone else, so maybe I'm being unfair.

Gareth walks into the room and for once, Tim is happy to see him. "Gareth!" he shouts out. "Garedio!" Hee, Garedio. "How are you, mate?" he says and holds out his arm for fist-pumping. Gareth looks at him suspiciously and checks if he has a buzzer under his arm or something. "Nothing," Tim shows him. "Good to see you, mate." Gareth looks confused. He looks at Tim, then at Dawn, as he sits down. He reminds me of my brother's cats. He has just that much intelligence. He can figure out that "Dawn+Tim=pranks", but he can't get much further than that. His lunch box contains an apple and another bag of cheese noodles. Does he eat anything else? It's cute, especially since he's so skinny. Suddenly Gareth realizes there may be unreleased sexual tension floating around in the room and says: "You weren't trying to get off with her, were you?" Hee. Cat brain. He's got the instinct, but he lacks the social intelligence to realize that
a) You do NOT say those things out loud - which makes him like Keith in the earlier scene. I never got that before, but that must be the allusion they're making.

b) If Tim were trying to get off with Dawn, he wouldn't do it in a room that anyone can walk into, with the Venetian blinds open, and SITTING ACROSS THE ROOM from her.

No one says anything anymore. Dawn looks exhausted, like she's thinking, "Will this day EVER end?" and Tim ruffles his hair uncomfortably. Gareth just looks at them both with his big eyes full of "Huh???"