Season 1, Episode 4, Part 4: "Song Time"

We hear guitar riffs as the camera shows Rowan's face. He's slouching in his chair with his arms crossed, looking like he's full of barely sustained rage. David is playing chords on his guitar. The camera pans on Tim, who is at the coffee table. He tells the camera David went home to get the guitar. That's so David. The company has hired a consultant to give them training, and he would rather show off his nonexistant rock star image than let the guy do his job. David, of course, has to narrate: "I wrote this... I only play songs I've written myself, so..."

I have to write down all the song lyrics. I don't even know how to recap this, because it just makes me laugh so much. For one thing, the lyrics are ridiculous. Just like the David interviews, they vary from generic "wisdom" to nonsensical stuff that probably sounded much better in his head. Secondly, David is SO serious about this. He bobs his head and sometimes has his eyes closed while singing, as if it's the most touching thing he's ever heard. While he's singing, the camera shows some of the other characters: two guys furrowing their brows like they don't know how to react to it; Tim and Dawn chuckling and glancing at each other; loyal old Sheila bobbing her head and with this permanent smile and an expectant look in her eyes, trying to be really polite about his music and not burst into laughter. I do wonder about Sheila. Is she just really nice or does she have a mind as empty as Keith's?

The first song David sings is predictably about what a tolerant person he really is:
"Spaceman came down to answer some things
The world gathered round from paupers to kings
I'll answer your questions, I'll answer them true
I'll show you the way, you'll know what to do
Who is wroong and who is right!
Yellow, brown, black or white?
The spaceman he answered: You no longer mind
I've opened your eyes, you're now colorblind."
"Racial. So..." David says in his trademark way. I love how he always has to add the adjective, as if to explain what it was about. I don't know what comes after "so..." but probably something along the lines of "I'm not bigoted, and therefore, I rock." As for the lyrics - "spaceman"? I guess he means an alien, and as we all know, aliens are omnipotent and can come down to answer our questions. And control our minds, so that we become colorblind. Wow. This really speaks to me. Also - what's the difference between brown and black, and who is yellow? This song strangely reminds me of Crash Test Dummies' "God Shuffled His Feet" with one exception, namely that "God Shuffled His Feet" was good.

We only get one line from the next song:
"She's the serpent who guards the gates of hell!!!" David tries to play some more "dangerous" riffs on the guitar, but it just ends up sounding lame. He doesn't add "Sexist", but he could. I love how that one line tells us how misogynist and generic that song was. Tim and Dawn applaud, but I think they're just happy to get out of the boring training.

And now for our main course, "Free Love", which I love. It's a fleshed-out generic rock song made just for the show. And, like everything made by David, it sucks but is also hilarious. The melody is actually pretty nice, but the lyrics.. I have watched this many times and I still laugh. David's trying to be cool while he sings it, so that doesn't help. He looks at the employees at "get her engine started", winks and sounds a bit amused at his own "witty" euphemisms. Yeah, we got it, David. You had sex with her. Malcolm looks at him during the chorus like he's shocked. Another male employee sits very straight-backed on his chair and furrows his brows. I love how they all look like "WTF is this and how am I supposed to respect that guy as my boss again?"

Pretty girl on the hood of a Cadillac, yeah
She's broken down on Freeway 9
I take a look, get her engine started
Leave her purring and I roll on by, bye bye

Free love on the free love freeway
Love is free and the freeway's long
I've got hot love on the hot love highway
Ain't going home cos my baby's gone

Gareth, who's been bobbing his head excitedly, decides to join in. He says, "Everybody!" And when David sings "my baby's gone", he interjects, "She's de-ead!" "She's not dead!" says David, looking annoyed. He rolls his eyes at the camera. Gareth looks stricken and hangs his head in shame. Aww, poor Gareth. But hee at "She's dead". What kind of a backup choir would sing that? Dawn is clapping her hands, still looking sad. Tim looks at her a bit concerned and she smiles at him as if to say "I'm alright." The song continues a bit more slowly:

Long time later see a cowboy crying
I say: Hey buddy, what can I do
He says: I've lived a good life, I had a thousand women
I say: Well, why the tears?
He says: Cos none of them was you...

He does an American accent when he does the cowboy's voice. It sounds silly, because he's trying to sound American and cool at the same time, and he's so far from both. Tim points out the obvious problem with these lines: "What, you?" David says he's looking at a picture. "Of you?" offers Tim, so we know he's just teasing David now, but really he's right. "Of his girlfriend. The video would have showed it," says David. He uses a "duh" kind of tone. Problem number one: If you have to have the video show what you're saying, there's something wrong with your lyrics. Problem number two: You think they're gonna make a VIDEO out of this? Problem number three: If "none of them was you", how is "you" his girlfriend? Tim decides to stop arguing and says it just sounded gay. "It's not gay," says David, obviously offended, and continues singing immediately to kill any further discussion on the topic. It didn't sound gay to me, it just sounded like he thought of a contrived way to rhyme with "do", and it's extra silly because the other lines don't even rhyme.

David launches into the chorus again, and this time both Tim and Gareth join in, singing harmonies. Gareth knows to sing "she's go-one" this time instead of "she's dead". He's not a bad singer, but it looks funny, because he's bobbing his head with his eyes closed so tight as if he's having this great musical experience. Tim sings the soprano, which sounds kind of girly. We see Keith clapping to the song in slow, steady claps. Rock'n'roll! A female employee is swaying to the song and seems to enjoy it. As the song draws to a close, it actually starts to sound pretty chaotic with three guys singing and the same guitar chords playing over and over. David tries to add some lines, like "She's just gone yeah", but it doesn't sound any more creative than the rest of the song. Tim closes with "She's gooone, yeah". The guys clap - at themselves, I guess - in the end, and the camera shows Rowan. He's been looking angry yet firm throughout the song, now he looks like he's about to burst into tears. He gets up and declares, "That's lunch" and walks out. Aww, poor Rowan. I wonder if he's going to the bathroom to cry a little and regain his composure before the afternoon. David says, "Okayy" and plays one more riff on his guitar. He looks at Rowan as he leaves, playing with his tie. He's probably thinking: "Damn, we were only halfway through my concert."

Tim and Dawn walk in the corridor. Tim asks "what in the name of jumping Joseph" - hee - "was that song about?" He wonders what David is doing and what Rowan is doing - I don't catch every word, but basically he seems to be saying that if you don't know the stuff Rowan is teaching, you don't deserve to have a job. Dawn is laughing and rubbing her face a bit, recovering from her crying earlier. Tim asks her if she's feeling better and she says she is. Tim is so sweet.

The employees are using part of their lunch breaks for checking mails and making calls. I don't think I would. If you're gonna be in training all day, just relax while you're not in training. Keith sits down with a loud "Ahh" and rubs his ear. That somehow reminds me of a St Bernard. He's not rubbing his ear with his foot, though.

Dawn sits on the sofa, as Donna comes in. I somehow don't like Donna. She stands up to David and Gareth and mostly reacts as any other sane person would, but I somehow find her unlikeable. In this scene especially, because does she really even know Dawn? We've never seen them talk, yet she's talking like she's her best friend: "Forget all about it, he's not worth it." How should she know? Has she met Lee at all? "I go through this sort of thing all the time - though it's usually me who dumps them." Yes, that oughta make her feel better. Dawn says it was just an argument, but Donna continues: "You should come out with me, I'll find you a new bloke." Ugh. I hate when friends try to find someone for you. Just let people figure their love lives out for themselves. Especially if you don't even know them. Dawn politely declines, as it was just an argument. "Well, I'm just saying," Donna says. "Thanks, that was nice," says Dawn. She's not facing Donna, who's leaning over the back of the sofa, so she's free to roll her eyes a bit. Yeah, that would be my reaction too. But I must admit that I don't sympathize with Dawn here all that much, because if you bring your dirty laundry to work, others are going to try and wash it for you.

In the conference room, Rowan is eating a sandwich and reading the paper. He looks much happier than in the previous scenes, and I'm sure he's enjoying a moment away from David and the silence of a guitar-free conference room.

In David's room, Dawn gets some more unwanted attention for her problems. David's sitting on a chair facing her, while Gareth is sitting on his desk. Why is Gareth even there? David tells Dawn he's aware of her problem, and "I wouldn't be the boss or the man that I am if I didn't try to offer some encouragement. So..." As the camera shows Dawn's shocked face, we hear more guitar riffs. Well, David wouldn't be the boss or the man he is if he didn't try to play The Boss, Slough Version, in every possible situation. Next to Dawn on a table is a sad little potted plant, too small to really bring any coziness into the room, and I know they had a real office as a set, but I can't help but wonder if they put that puny plant there on purpose just to emphasize the dullness of David's office. "It's something I wrote, I hope it helps," says David. I just have to transcribe the lyrics again:

"Rose, you never used your thorns
The ones you loved abandoned you
Your angel face made hearts so warm
You helped the sick,
But who helped you?"

As David sings, Gareth bobs his head with his eyes closed, looking like he enjoys this immensely. He's so sad. And Mackenzie Crook is an awesome actor. His body language is just perfect, the way he embodies the ass-kissing lameness of Gareth Keenan. As David gets into the bridge part, the song suddenly gets a lot faster and darker, and he tries to sing it cooler:

"Rushing through the Paris night
They hounded you, you lost control
We prayed that you would be alright
The news came through: Your body co-o-old..."

Suddenly the song gets slow and calm again:
"Good night, my sweet princess... "

Dawn interrupts him to ask if it was originally about Princess Diana. Yeah, I wonder. Like most untalented writers, David lacks the ability to make the song symbolic, and the only symbol he uses is from another song. David admits he wrote it about Princess Di, "but it fits perfectly, doesn't it?" Yeah, sure. Those lyrics could be applied to anything in life! "Not the car crash bit," says Dawn and laughs nervously. Gareth Keenan to the rescue, as David can't think of what to say: "Your relationship with Lee is a bit like a car crash." Hee, that's so rude. David points at Gareth and nods whilst smiling smugly and closing his eyes. Great body language from Gervais there. He acts like that was what he was thinking, but couldn't put it into words. "In Paris?" says Dawn. David waits for a response from Gareth. "City of love," Gareth says like Dawn should have thought of that herself. Yeah, it's obvious really. David nods deeply, looking smug about the brilliance of a thought that was neither brilliant nor his. Dawn, like Tim earlier, realizes that there's no point in questioning the lyrics. "You're right, it fits perfectly, thank you," she says and laughs nervously again. David suddenly launches into "Every breath you take..." and Gareth starts bobbing his head to the rhythm with his eyes closed again. If the Princess Di song didn't fit, how about this then? You'll be watching Dawn? I wonder if the writers were nodding to the version dedicated to Notorious BIG and sung by Puff Daddy. That, like David's Princess Di song, was rather unoriginal. David still manages to look smug, even if the lyrics of two of his songs have been questioned now. You can just tell that he's thinking, "The night this airs I will get a call from at least one record company."