Season 1, Episode 3, Part 3: "Quiz Officials Only"

Investigation and Meeting Room has turned into Quiz Officials room. Tim and Dawn walk in as Gareth is preparing the quiz questions with the help of some books. Seems so old-fashioned to go through books for this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I love books, but the Internet is the fastest way of finding current information. Gareth tells Tim and Dawn they can't come in or they will be disqualified, "quiz officials only". Hee, officials. It's a tiny office quiz. In David and Gareth's world, of course, it's like the world championships of .. common knowledge, I guess. Dawn looks at the questions just to spite him and Gareth declares them both disqualified. Tim asks for his help and he says he hasn't go the time. Tim says it's about the army and, of course, Gareth always has a minute for that. He listens sternly, not looking at Tim when Tim starts to ask him, clearly buttering him up just to humiliate him, if "a military man like you, you know, a soldier" could ever "give a man a lethal blow". Gareth, of course, thinks it's an honest question and tells him he could if his life was in danger. He doesn't seem to notice that Dawn is giggling. Gareth needs some kind of bullshit detector. Actually, it might start beeping every time Tim is in the same room, so maybe it would make working in the office difficult. "If he was coming really hard?" clarifies Tim. Gareth says yes. Dawn asks him if he could "do it face-to-face with a bloke, or if he always imagined taking a man from behind." Gareth assures her that either way is easy for him. "Lovely," says Dawn. Oh Dawn and Tim, you're so mean to him, and yet I'm on your side.

The camera is shooting David Brent from behind his office window. He's browsing through a book. David, you're in the same office with a computer. Use the Internet. Ricky, on the other hand, is using a printer or copy machine, which seems to have an "offline error 243". I love how they added that detail, because it means absolutely nothing to most viewers, just like the price of mat-coated paper in the first episode. David walks in and Ricky asks about the copier, but of course David doesn't care because it's work related. Duh, Ricky! Today is about the quiz! David feels the need to tell Ricky Dostoyevski's full name and year of birth and death, as if he doesn't already know. David really thinks everyone is as ignorant as he is. With the possible exception of Chris "IQ of 142" Finch. David relates why Dostoyevski was exciled in Ziberia. He's smug because Ricky doesn't seem to know about it, but when Ricky recalls that he wrote "House of the Dead" in Ziberia, David just nods and says "yeah" weakly. He obviously doesn't know this stuff. He says "ahh... " in his trademark way, the same sigh he always makes when he's gonna end a conversation abruptly and just leave the room. Ricky is left at the copier, and his smile implies that he might have purposely embarrassed David there. And can't blame him a bit if he has.

Tim has gotten further in his little conversation with Gareth. He describes a situation where the enemy has discovered Gareth's camp, "and they've caught you with your trousers down and they've all entered your hole..." Gareth just says that it wouldn't happen because he would have been waiting for them, "watching the hole, using it as a bait." Tim repeats this: "You'd use your hole as a bait?" I cannot understand how someone can be in the army, territorial or otherwise, and not hear a bunch of dirty jokes all the time. How does he always miss this stuff? Although I doubt he had many friends in the army either. He probably spent all his time shushing others at night, telling on them to the higher-ranking soldiers, and being the butt of practical jokes. Dawn tells Tim, "You are how old? 30? And you're getting off on pretending that Gareth is gay." Even now that she's spelled it out to him, Gareth doesn't get it, and as Tim plays along and laughs, it comes off as Dawn thinking dirty. "You think she's been on the wacky-backy?" asks Gareth. Wacky-backy? That's a new drug term for me. Tim and Gareth high five and laugh as Dawn smirks at them. Or at Gareth, really. She's smirking WITH Tim.

Ricky is showing Donna how the copier works, as David walks in again. "We were talking earlier about Dostoyevski's House of the Dead?" he says. I can't believe this guy. Actually, I can, because I work with someone pretty similar to that. She's not my boss, but she does walk around with a constant smirk on her face and telling others random facts just to impress them. I hate her. Ricky sighs deeply and says he might have mentioned it. He sounds like he's had enough of the topic. David tells him more facts about Dostoyevski. Ricky tops him again by telling him his favorite work by D is Raw Youth and analyzing it as a criticism of science, which probably goes completely over David's head. David says, "Ahh..." again, then looks at his watch to appear busy and goes, "Yeeahh..." and leaves. Another smirk from Ricky. I'm really starting to like Ricky. He's responding to David's jerkitude with a nice polite meanness. And he's so much more intelligent, mature, and educated than him. See rest of the episode for more signs of that.

The next scene is all about Lee and his jerkitude. Some employees are sitting in the break room having coffee. Lee tells the others about his plans for his and Dawn's future, which includes such exciting things for Dawn as "getting a few kiddies under her belt", living with Lee's Mom, and getting a part-time cleaning job. Dawn looks depressed and bites her nails. When Lee's finished, she says, "Gotta dream a dream", a comment Tim laughs at. Lee decides to take offense and tells Tim he can tease them when he gets a life of his own. Dude, you just planned living with your mother after you have kids, so how is that any different from Tim's life? Tim gets him to cool down and they drink their coffees in silence. Happy birthday Tim. Dawn? Still biting her nails. I hate Lee and their whole relationship, because it's so obvious that Lee is just trying to control her. I actually think the whole triangle drama between Dawn, Tim, and Lee is unnecessary. I know it's supposed to highlight the idea of being stuck with a dead-end job and dead-end life and not going anywhere, but it's not funny and gets depressing at times. Somehow, as a female viewer, I find Dawn's situation frustrating. Why doesn't she have the guts to leave him? Why does she feel obligated to put up with his bullshit? But then there are women like that in real life - and maybe it's even subtle social commentary from the writers.

David is asking Gareth more about the quiz, because far be it from him to forget about it for a moment and get some actual work done. Finchy comes up from behind him, motioning to the others to keep quiet, and hits his ass or something. David is childishly excited to see him. Finchy starts right away with the dumbest fat jokes you could imagine, jokes which Ricky Gervais undoubtedly wrote himself. He loves making fun of his weight. Finch starts with "when's it due", one of my pet peeves. You hear people joke like this about fat guys all the time and it's so not creative or funny. David offers a feeble joke of his own: "Here we go, fasten your seatbelts." All aboard the cliché train! "There's no seatbelt that fits around you, you fat bastard," counters Finchy. David's not big enough for jokes like that, but whatever. He says something I can't really decipher, "All food that I paid for", maybe? And pats his belly. Finchy makes another lame fat joke: if David jumped his fat would all get stuck at his chest. He holds out his hands and talks in a lame mock voice: "I'm David Brent! I'm David Brent!" It's so third grade. David laughs like it's the best joke ever. Tim looks at the camera in shock. David says Finchy is like Jim Carrey on acid. "Worse," says Finchy. Well, certainly less funny. Closeup of Tim who forces a benevolent smile on his face.

When they're done with the fat jokes, Finchy launches on another lame guy banter issue, which is gay banter. "None so queer as folk.. or David Brent." David tries to banter back, but Finch is too fast for him. Like your least favorite schoolyard bully, he will turn everything you say against you. "Speak for yourself," says David, but he starts mumbling. "Come on, spit it out, as your boyfriend said last night," says Finchy, revelling in his own "brilliance". "I was gonna say that back at you," says David. If the moment for the comeback is gone, it's gone. Don't say you were going to say it, just leave it. "I don't have a boyfriend, you do," says Finchy. He walks ahead of David into another room. "Ah, god.. Finchy!" says David, still grinning like an idiot. He looks at Tim for a moment as if he's expecting a huge laugh from him. Tim is still smiling in a forced way as he walks away. The boss is gone, Tim. You can drop the act and roll your eyes at the camera now. Actually, if he did that, David would see it on the documentary. So nevermind. Smile, Tim, smile for your life.

After a Boring Employee Montage - a BEM, if you will - David and Finchy enter the break room - only it doesn't seem like the same one the employees usually sit in. It looks a lot bigger and there's a bulletin board with, among other things, a picture of a woman in scanty clothing, the trademark of a workplace with guys. The trademark of a workplace with nothing BUT guys is, of course, a picture of a woman with nothing on. Finch shakes Ricky's hand like the gentleman he isn't and tells him he heard about Blockbusters, and he's gonna "need more than that tonight". Yeah, because a small regional office quiz is so much bigger than a national quiz show. "I heard about Dostoyevski, and I read a book a week, so..." So what? It's so pathetic that
a) David told him about the Dostoyevski thing, and
b) that Finchy really thinks it's the frequency or quantity of reading that counts.

Dawn drops something into the bin, stooping quite near to Finchy's pants, so he has to joke about it: "While you're down there, love.." That's gross. Dawn just looks indignant and walks away. David grins and tells the others it's harmless. Is it? I think it's sexual harrassment, actually. Finchy says something about being "up to me nuts in guts" if he spent half an hour with Dawn. Eww. Tim calls him on his bullshit right away, and asks him what types of books he reads. David says it's science and nature books, "everything on the trivia subjects.. in books.." So he prepares for the tiny office quiz all year round? That's sad. Also, Dostoyevsky and trivia? Not the same thing at all. Keith looks on, chewing gum or something. He manages to bring something into the blank stare, even if he's not even saying anything. David stupidly remarks that Tim and Ricky haven't "read a book between them, college boys." Hey, college is all about reading books. I read 1000 pages for one particular history test. Finchy predictably thinks students are a waste of space: "Oo, I don't do anything all day, but oo, I need more money to do it..." Oo, I'm Chris Finch! I'm stuck in a boring paper merchant job and I envy students because they're actually going to have opportunities in life! David laughs like a girl and says, "Political..." I love how he uses one adjective to sum something up. Especially when it's the wrong one. Ricky remarks that he worked when he was in college, but Finchy has to have the last word, no matter how lame: "Yeah, right. And what was your job? Professor in charge of watching Countdown every day?" That doesn't even make any sense. David laughs stupidly again. They are so Big Dog and Me-Too. "Clever AND funny, I bloody hate him," says David and pretends to punch Finchy. "That's why I get along with him." Right. Or maybe it's just because you're the only one who will laugh at his lame jokes? Finchy has yet to show any signs of intelligence, so maybe his IQ of 142 was achieved by cheating in the IQ test. "Similar," adds David after a moment of silence. Yeah. Their humor is equally bad, for sure. Only Finchy's is meaner.

Season 1, Episode 3, Part 2: "Large Inflatable Cock"

I've never noticed how many obscenities this show has. All the gifts they give each other are naughty novelty gifts, for one thing. What's up with that?

Lee comes in with Tim's present, which is huge. Tim shakes hands with him and seems flattered. He happily sits down on the sofa next to Dawn's desk, thanks Lee and Dawn, and opens it. It's, well, a large inflatable cock. Tim's reaction is hard to read. He doesn't look altogether amused by the gift, and maybe he's thinking of what his parents will say when he comes home with a huge inflatable cock. He also says what the gift is out loud, and as they said on Seinfeld once, if you say the name of the gift, you don't like it. Try it yourself. “Ah... a pair of socks! Striped! How nice!” Dawn asks if Tim already has one, and Tim says you can never have too many. Dawn asks if he'd rather have had money, but Tim says he would have gotten an inflatable penis anyway. He's cute.

Sadly, David and Gareth show up, and David shows juvenile excitement over the cock. He grabs it and starts making lame jokes. “Exsperminate!” Lamely and nonsensically, he continues with: “Hello, Austin Powers! I'm the naked Mini-Me!” That's gross. Mini-Me was a midget – or a dwarf? See episode six – and to imply he looked like a cock is... Well, leave it to David to come up with size-racist stuff like that. Even if we all know he thinks of himself as Austin Powers. “Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town...” he says and puts the cock on his forehead. “Dickhead,” says Gareth weakly. Very creative. So are David's puns though. “Ringo Starr, Whose Line is it Anyway,” says David. I didn't get the reference, but whatever. It's probably not funny in this context anyway. Gareth finally gets a chance to hold the cock, but can't think of anything. He tries to come up with something, but David says, “Don't grab it unless you've got one ready, cos it slows you down”, as if he's coaching Gareth in standup comedy now. He can't think of anything new to say himself though, just holds the cock on the appropriate place on his body and says, “Ahh.. that is brilliant.” You or the cock? Actually, either way: No it's not. “Happy birthday,” David tells Tim, as if he cares. “Remember: You're only as old as the woman you feel.” See? He was just saying it to set up a joke. A lame one. He giggles inanely. Gareth says he uses that phrase sometimes. David calls it his own catchphrase and tells Gareth that he doesn't mind “influencing the other comedian... You're not a comedian..” Neither are you, David. He wants credit for his catchphrases. I think that falls into the category of “Don't think of me as your boss, but know that I am”. And seriously – who credits others for catchphrases? Especially since David so did not come up with that one. He lists others that he supposedly thought of: “Same shit, different day”, “Exqueese me”. Tim suggests, “Wank you very much”. David says he thought of that one and he sometimes tells a waitress that. Gross. He giggles again. Dawn looks like she thinks David is really sad. And she probably does. David makes up a new one, “witnesses that I started this one”, he says and points at the others. I don't think anyone else will want credit for this: “I'm not saying he's unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come up sucking his own thumb.” Brilliant, David. I wonder if the writers are trying to make a point about dirty jokes being lame, coming to think of it. Hardly any dirty jokes on the show are funny, and they're usually made by the characters with the lesser sense of humor. Gareth says, “I thought you suck knobs.” “Do ya?” says David and giggles some more. Dawn, Lee, and Tim are just sitting there looking bored, and in Dawn's case, quite shocked at the sheer stupidity of the two “comedians”. Tim looks into the camera smiling rather fakely and lifting his eyebrows as if to say, “What can you do?” “They're cracking up,” says David. They keep joking, but we move on to a David interview, thank goodness.

“Yeah, there are limits to my comedy,” he says. Can't say I disagree there. He says he would never laugh at the handicapped, “because there's nothing funny about them.” He says sometimes healthy people will look at the handicapped and think, “Oh look at him! He's not able-bodied! I am! I'm prejudiced.” I love that fake quote, especially “I'm prejudiced”. Because who thinks they're prejudiced? David goes on to say that “the little handicapped fellow” - patronizing much? - is at least “able-minded”. But he ruins even this condescending point by adding that it's hard to tell when someone's in a wheelchair, so you should just be nice to them all. Really, I think David would come off much more open-minded if he didn't try and convince the viewers of how open-minded he really is. Smug look at the camera.

Cut to a bit later, it seems. Dawn comes up to some co-workers' desks and tells them not to forget Tim's birthday, and that they could go down to the pub and have a drink. David, who's looming nearby avoiding work as usual, hears this and tells her not tonight, because it's quiz night. Dawn asks him when it starts, and David says, “Seven. Always.” as if everyone alive should know this. Dawn says they can have drinks at six then. Dawn's a good friend – or more than a friend? - for Tim. David, however, doesn't really care about his birthday. When Dawn asks him if he'd like her to get Tim a card, David just says, “Whatever.” He really cares about the co-workers. He also feels the need to mention, once again, that Finchy's coming down. He's like a 12-year-old waiting for his cool older cousin to visit. Dawn and David have a little battle over the last word, as he keeps repeating “starts at seven” and she keeps adding “drinks at six”. Angela smiles at Dawn and works at her desk dutifully. She's usually shown working and being meek and friendly. I kind of like her. I seem to notice all the secondary characters more this time around. I never paid attention to them before.

The number bods are working, looking bored like always. Ricky's sitting with them. David comes in and asks if they're studying for the quiz. I don't think anyone cares about the quiz other than David and Finchy. David asks if the three accountants – Keith, Sheila, and another female employee – are a team again. He seems like they're not much of a threat for his vast knowledge. He asks Ricky if he's gonna join. Ricky says it's not his first time. He laughs a bit self-consciously and says he was on Blockbusters. David seems a bit put off by this. He tries to belittle Ricky's achievement by saying if he was one of two contestants, that's cheating. Ricky says it was just him. David asks what he won. Ricky says he won “two gold rounds – camping equipment, walkman”. David says he usually gets five rounds right. What, while watching the quiz? Ricky seems dubious and says you have to really know a lot to get five rounds. David asks Ricky to give him one of the questions in his quiz, “fingers on the buzzers”, he says and looks around to see if anyone's laughing. The camera doesn't move, but I think I can safely assume no one is. Ricky's question is: “Which Y had a hit single “The Only Way is Up” and sang with the Plastic Population?” David immediately says Yazoo. Ricky says it's Yazz. David starts saying that he thought of Yazz and said Yazoo by mistake, but Ricky counters that he wouldn't have gotten a point for that. “I wouldn't have said that on Blockbusters,” claims David. Right, because this was just for fun and if he really were on the show, he'd suddenly know things he doesn't know now. He wants to give Ricky a question of his own, but doesn't come up with anything. He stops to think for a loong time. Ricky asks if he needs a hand, but he doesn't, of course.

Dawn is trying on Tim's HatFM. They flirtatiously talk about the hat and how Dawn could have it on weekends. Joint custody? Are they ready for that?

Back at Ricky's desk, David is still thinking of something to ask. He's sitting in this position with his mouth open and his arms up, just like he's ready to say it any minute, but really you know he's just not thinking of anything and he tries to buy some time. Ricky says this is gonna take too long, and David stutters that he had an idea , “It was gonna be 'What D...' and the answer was gonna be Dostoyevski.” That's sad. He can't even think of any of the novels? Ricky suggests, “What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel Crime and Punishment?” David dumbly asks Ricky if he would have gotten it. David, he thought of the question! Ricky jokes that he would have guessed. David says you don't get points for guessing. What? You do get points for guessing if you guess right. “Unlucky,” he says to Ricky and smiles like an idiot, his ego apparently soothed. Ricky sighs deeply when he finally leaves. Great boss, interrupting people's work to "entertain" them.

Season 1, Episode 3, Part 1: "Tim's Birthday"

Part 1: “Tim's Birthday”

We open on an empty office. It's early in the morning. Joan is working, which I did find realistic, because cleaning staff usually comes before or after the other employees. Tim is already at his desk. He voice-overs that he is thirty today, and his Mom got him up really early to give him his present. That sounds kind of rude. I would have told her to wait until I've had my sleep. Overall, I feel really sorry for Tim in this episode. Imagine having to work on your birthday, get up extra early, and after that, having to go to the pub for the office quiz. I doubt anyone dreams of spending their birthday with David Brent. Tim introduces his present, saying how he loves ballet, the novels of Proust and the films by Alain Delon. And that's why his Mom got him.. HatFM, a lame blue cap with a radio in it. It's actually pretty cute, as far as novelty gifts go, and Tim seems to think so too, he just seems amused by it. “I think it's a pretty sweet present,” he says. He looks cute with the hat on, maybe because his style is otherwise so low-key.

David is already in his office. He tells the camera he's calling Finchy to make sure he'll be there in time for the quiz. He smirks widely as he tells us they've won six years in a row. Oo, might the writers be setting things up for his first failure in the quiz? On the phone, Finchy makes a joke, so David repeats it to the camera: “What's black and slides down Nelson's column? - Winnie Mandela?! Oh yeah, that's good, no, it's not racist, is it?” Noo, not at all. How could that be racist? David gets flustered and starts babbling, “It's because she's black and Nelson's column because he's.. and she's married, so it's not even, ok, bye, see ya.” Don't make it worse by explaining the meaning of “nelson's column”. And “she's married”, as if that makes the joke more acceptable. David's knowledge of Nelson Mandela is, of course, limited, as we will learn in the Christmas special. But for now he only looks at the camera kind of embarrassed, then takes a more confident pose and smiles, probably thinking of the quiz.

Joan asks Tim what he's doing there so early, “shit the bed?” Tim jokes that he hasn't done that in weeks and tells her it's his birthday. Joan congratulates him and asks what his Mom got him. Tim tries to tilt his head to signal the hat, but then has to give her a clue: “Something you can wear?” Then she finally gets it – after thinking a bit. As if Tim walks around with the hat on every day. It's like coming to the office with a wild new hairdo and no one even noticing.

Sheila and Keith come into the office. Gareth walks in, looking at the camera a bit self-consciously. Malcolm and Dennis set up at their desk. Malcolm is staring out the window as if he's thinking, “Another day wasted at the office...Oh well, only [X] years til retirement.” Phones start ringing.

Dawn comes in and gives Tim a birthday card. It has a childish balloon theme in the front. “That's all in order,” says Tim. Inside the card, it says: “What's the difference between your wages and your penis? I could find lots of women who will blow your wages.” Lame. Dawn giggles at it, but Tim doesn't seem all that amused by it. The worst part of birthdays is the stupid joke cards. Half of them are dirty and the other half are all “Ha ha, look how old you are”. David comes to Tim's desk and tells the camera, “Lock up your daughters..Finchy's on his way in for the quiz. Chris Finch.” Yes, you mention him most every day, people will remember who he is. David is giggling childishly, as always, and asks Gareth for confirmation. Gareth just says “yeah”, because yeah, Finchy's coming, but so what?

Then David says the documentary crew can keep about 20 % of the material they shoot of him and Finch. I think they wanna keep it all in – they want embarrassing moments. “Innit, Gareth?” he says again. “Yeah,” says Gareth quietly. See, David, you and Finchy is fun for you and Finchy, not others. And it would be normal to act like this at 15 years old – I'm sure I bragged about how funny my best friend and I can be when we get going, but in reality it was always just the two of us giggling childishly and everyone else looking annoyed. At least at my age, ten years younger than David, I realize that inside jokes are inside jokes. David looks at Tim and says lamely, “...hat...” He's that guy who notices glaring differences with people, but isn't that interested in knowing why they're there. It's not a question, just an observation. I don't think he'd ever compliment Dawn on a nice dress or new hairdo. Speaking of which, Dawn has her hair in braids today and it looks really cute. She might have wanted to look a bit cuter than usual because of Tim's birthday. Dawn tells David it's Tim's birthday and David just kind of goes, “Oh yeah...” but they don't show him congratulating Tim. Maybe he just doesn't.

David interviews about how the documentary crew is crazy to let him and Finchy on TV. He says they're like “Morecombe & Wise”. I've never seen their stuff but I can imagine they're comedians. But then he says they're not really, “cos there's no straight man, so there's no dead wood.” OK, I can see what the writers are doing here. David has no concept of comedy. He has no idea what is funny and why, and that's why he thinks a straight man is dead wood. The straight man is, of course, absolutely necessary in good comedy. The straight man represents the viewer and balances the wackiness of the other guy. If he isn't there, it's not as funny. Of course David wouldn't know this. He's the dumb silly character, while Tim is the straight man.

Hilariously, he starts explaining how his and Finchy's humor is different: “I'm sort of a more character..based.. and he's more of a gag man.” Character based? He does impressions of characters made by others. That's not character based, that's just lame and unimaginative. “I do gags as well, but you know..good together..by now. We're just reading each other's minds and then we start cracking up, and people go, 'Why is that funny?' and we tell them and they go, 'Oh yeah yeah yeah...You are the best.'” So they have to explain their comedy to people? Because they, um, read each other's minds? So it's more like telepathic humor, I guess. Not at all because it's bad and makes no sense to anyone but them. If you have to tell people why something is funny, it isn't funny. Or they're just too dumb to get it, but I think in this case the possibility for that is rather slim. Of course people feel compelled to laugh when you're already laughing, or they'd hurt your feelings. I think almost all the “laughs we have in the office” happen because of that. That's a really sad kind of laughter. It's not even a “sad clown” laughter, it's just... well, actually it is, if David is the sad clown. David adds, “Their opinion,” as if a fake quote from vague “people” is some kind of scientific proof that he is in fact funny, and also, he's not bragging at all, because it's other people who say it. Right. I dunno about you, but he really convinced me.

Now we see David coming to Tim and saying, “Happy birthday, by the way.” It's like he forgot to congratulate Tim and came back to say it as an afterthought, but today is really about him and the quiz. David tells him 30 – of course he has to add “the big three-oh” - is the worst, because you think your life is rubbish and you haven't achieved anything. He admits to thinking it on his 30^th birthday, “but...” he points at the office around him as if his life had vastly improved. Really, when he was 30, he was probably doing Tim's job. And when you think about it, he isn't that far ahead now. It's not like he's the vice president at Harrod's. He adds that it could be worse: his neighbour, Kelvin – he seems to find the name a bit amusing - “is 32 and still lives with his parents”. Followed by a giggle, which soon dies as Tim admits to living with his parents. David switches straight to, “Cherish them, because you will miss them when they're not around.” He switches the topic to his own life, because he's David and can't help but. He says both of his parents are dead, but then corrects that his Dad is in a home, "so as good as”. You can add ageism and healthism to David's many prejudices, if he thinks being sick and old is as good as dead. He tells Tim that he got a call from the home one night, 3 am, because his father thought there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of “Debenham's”. Gareth says that's a good spot, “That's where I'd be if I had to take someone out. That lived there.” Coming from anyone else, that would be really creepy. But with Gareth, you know that's just one of his many military daydreams. Also - what kind of a home calls a family member at 3 am just to inform them that their demented parent is having a hallucination? If you call at that hour, it had better be an emergency, and I don't think that qualifies. The reason he's in a home is that the nurses will handle situations like that, right? David claims he went there to convince his Dad there was no one on the roof. So – he got up at 3 am, even if he had to work at 9 am the next morning. And he drove to his Dad's nursing home just to tell him there was no sniper on the roof? And only he could convince his Dad, who he just called “as good as dead”? I strongly doubt David's story. Gareth, of course, doesn't. He asks instead who was up on the roof. David actually has to tell him it was the fathe'rs imagination. Gareth says that's lucky, because if there was a sniper, you couldn't see him. “He'd be like.. oh, no one there...” He makes an explosion sound and a hand movement that mimicks a person's brain coming out of their skull. That was disgusting. He acts like my brothers did when they were ten. The lack of intellect, the whole army obsession, the gross details... He's mentally ten. David closes with a rather depression conclusion: “Anyway, he is a vegetable now, and that's something we've all got to look forward to. So... happy birthday.” He pats Tim in the back. If that's his birthday wish, I don't want to hear his.. eulogy.. to his dead father.. OK, that joke turned out a bit David-esque. I think he's rubbing off on me. Tim looks at the camera with a smile on his face, like he's just trying to see the bright side, but his birthday is off to a rather depressing start.

Season 1, Episode 2, Part 5: "Who Was It?"

Gareth has summoned Dawn and Tim into the Investigation and Meeting Room. He walks around the table and sits down importantly, muttering, “You too then.. Dawn and Tim.” Dawn asks him what he wants and almost bursts out laughing while saying it, amused at his pompous behaviour. Gareth says he's “been assigned to find out who did the picture”. Tim asks him who it was. “I don't know,” Gareth says, as if he couldn't possibly know anything about it. Tim asks if he will be fired if he doesn't find out. “Well, I'm finding out now,” says Gareth. “Was it one of you two?” Dawn says sarcastically, “Yes. Christ, you're good!” Gareth takes it seriously for a moment, “Was it?!” but when Dawn says no, he claims he knew it. He just doesn't get sarcasm. I think it's a part of his general lack of sense of humor. Tim and Gareth's little debate is so cute I think I will transcribe it all.
Gareth: “I'm not gonna fire you if you know anything, because...”
Tim: “You couldn't.”
Gareth: “I could.”
Tim: “How would that work?”
Gareth: “I would say, 'You're fired, clear your desk', and...”
Tim: “I would say you don't have the authority.”
Gareth: “Not true, not true. Because in this room, I have special...”
Tim: “Needs?”
Gareth: “No. In this room, I'm a special...”
Tim: “.. needs child?”
Gareth: “No, and that's not even funny. Alright? I won't have you fired, because..”
Tim: “You couldn't.”
Gareth (dejected): “That's all.”
I love how Gareth thinks he actually has the authority to fire others, and they're not taking any of it. David didn't even want him to have the room in the first place. Dawn just watches the guys and laughs.

David's office. Jennifer can't believe the warehouse guys' “total lack of respect”. Me neither, actually. David makes matters worse by telling her they gave him the mental image of “you naked on all fours, being quite literally done.. doggy style.” David, you idiot, shut up! You don't tell people those things. Especially your boss. Gareth has come into the room during this and he looks at Jennifer quite shocked. Jennifer is pretty shocked herself that he would say such a thing. Gareth tells them to go on – does he want more details or something? Jennifer asks him curtly what he wants. Gareth says he found the person who did it. “Did you indeed,” says David happily, obviously ready to show Jennifer what a good boss he is after all.Jennifer thinks this could wait, but David says there is pornography - “SEXIST pornography, which I hate” - seriously, what other kind is there? - circulating in the office. Jennifer is surprised to hear this. David asks Gareth who it was. “Surprise surprise, it was Tim,” says Gareth. David makes a sad face. “Shame, good man,” he says, as if he had hoped it was someone who doesn't laugh at his jokes or take this bullshit, like Malcolm. Gareth says he found “these pictures” - and he takes out a cute old-fashioned floppy disk – on Tim's hard drive. He puts the disk into David's computer. David says pompously, “After investigation licensed by” - pointing at himself - “carried out by..” pointing at Gareth. That cracked me up. It's not even full sentences. Gareth shows him the pictures. “I don't want you to see this, I don't want to see this!” he tells Jennifer. Yeah, because he hates pornography, of course. “That's worse than the one before! I hope there aren't any more,” he says, and then, “There are more..” His tone seems to suggest he does want to see more. David starts a pretty nonsensical babble about how “when the disciplining starts, the laughter stops, then starts again, rehabilitation, notwithstanding..” I don't think he even knows where that's going, so he asks Gareth how he found the pictures. Gareth tells David about a little thing called “site history”, which he is about to show on David's computer, but David suspiciously takes away the mouse and says he doesn't want to know how it's done. Then he asks if you can delete site history. Jennifer gets enough of this and reminds David that they're having a meeting. David asks Gareth if there was anything else. Gareth tells him Taffy called and he has another fun video for David. Oo, busted. “Thanks,” says David and gestures him to leave. Disgusted, Jennifer tells David it's a boys' club, “seedy little men with seedy little jokes.” She says she doesn't want to repeat her experience with the warehouse guys. “Don't go to the warehouse,” says David. Oh David, it's time to shut up now. “Don't tell me where I can and can't go in my own company,” says Jennifer angrily. “You're on very thin ice as it is, you've already lied to me...” David makes a face at the camera and laughs to himself. “What's that? You lied to me because you don't have the guts to do your own job!” David tries to laugh it off, which of course is the wrong tactic, but when she tells him he's not “man enough” to do his job, he decides to show her how he disciplines Tim. He takes the disk and asks Jennifer to follow him.

They go up to Tim's desk where he's working. “Busy at work?” says David in a demanding way. “Is there a problem?” asks Tim. David shows him the disk, but Tim doesn't know what it is, and he gives a little laugh. David mimicks him and says, “A dirty picture with my head on it. As a sex object.” A sex object?! To be a sex object would require that someone wants to have sex with you, David, and I don't think I have enough imagination to picture that. David says he likes a laugh, but “porno laughs are not funny”, and he's disappointed in Tim. Is he coining new words now just for this situation? And if porno laughs aren't funny, then what was that down the warehouse? Tim asks if David thinks it was him, and David just says, “Case closed”, without even letting him defend himself. “Shouldn't I say that cos it was my investigation?” says Gareth. This isn't a detective show! You don't get to say the lines! Tim is now offended, calling Gareth “Columbo” and saying, “Hey, of course I must be guilty if you had your best man on the case!” David tries to act tough because of Jennifer and tells him to “stop trying to be funny for one second, Tim, and stop taking advantage of my good nature.” You mean your complete lack of authority and pathetic need to be liked by everybody? He threatens to fire Tim, “like every other boss in this situation”. Maybe some other bosses might have taken it with a bit of humor?

Tim tells David that it was Chris Finch, who used his computer. “He said he's your best mate and you'd find it hilarious.” David's face has frozen and he stutters, “Oh.. no, it is! Don't get, oh, that was never a question.. I think it's bloody hilarious, you're missing the point..” Well, he just said it's not funny. Dawn asks him, “Are you going to .. apologize.. to Tim?” “The thing about families is you don't have to,” says David. Oh, now it's a family again? He awkwardly plays with his tie. “Are you going to apologize to Tim?” repeats Dawn. “I HAVE, in a way,” claims David. What way? “Are you going to apologize NOW?” says Jennifer with her best boss voice. David has no choice now. He leans to Tim and forces out the quietest, tiniest “sssorry” you can think of. “You were involved as well but you covered for him, that's what I like”, he says. Huh? Dawn says he wouldn't want to be there when he tells Finchy off. “You won't be, it's not fair,” says David. Oh, it's fair for Tim though? “Nor will you,” he says to Jennifer. Malcolm asks him if he doesn't find it offensive anymore because it's Chris Finch. David says they shouldn't dwell on that and continues, “Let's stop degrading women! Let's have a laugh with them, not at them. Let's have a laugh... AT work...WITH women.. AT us!” That made absolutely no sense, plus he's making dorky hand gestures while he says it. He acts like an idiot when he's embarrassed. Jennifer tells him to fire Chris Finch. “Yeah, that's a good idea, I'll get rid of a good rep because he played the joke,” says David, but Jennifer won't have it. “David, don't even start,” she says icily. David really fell in her eyes during this episode. He realizes this, pretends to call Chris, and delivers a very bad mock telephone call: “Yeah, Chris? It's David here. Bad news, we're gonna have to let you go, we can't use you anymore.. (beat) Yeah, cos of the joke. (beat) Yeah, I've got a sense of humor, but that was offensive towards women... and I can't tolerate that.. I have to pass on...” The pauses he makes last like one second, no one would have a chance to say something between them. Also, Chris apparently immediately guesses why he's being fired, instead of saying, “What?!” like I would say if it came out of the blue like that. Jennifer, of course, realizes this and presses the “speaker phone” button. David's still blabbing when we hear a machine announce the time. “Pathetic,” says Jennifer and walks away. “Is it?” says David kind of desperately. Oh yes, David, it is. Dawn walks away with a smile on her face and goes to a filing cabinet. Gareth checks his watch, a detail I didn't notice until recently. Mackenzie Crook mentions in the documentary how that was ad libbed, because it just seemed like a Gareth thing to do. It shows he's really in character while playing Gareth. After Jennifer and David leave, Tim says, “Sorry, has anybody got the right time?” After the credits have rolled, we see Tim on the phone with his eyes closed going, “Mmm .. mm hmm..” and looking like he's going to fall asleep. His screensaver reads, “Gareth is a Benny.” I don't get it, but it still sounds funny.

Season 1, Episode 2, Part 4: "Gareth Keenan Investigates"

Tim and Dawn are going through some printouts Gareth made for the sign of 'his office', even if David told him not to make the sign. Apparently Gareth was stupid enough to not only print out every single alternative, but also leave the prints where everyone can see them. Tim introduces them to the camera while Dawn giggles at them: “Investigation Room” and “Investigation Office,” “Interrogation Room” and “Interrogation Office”. “He really lost it here”, Tim says as he lifts one that says: “ 'Quiet please!' Invetigation in process!” I love how 'quiet please' is in quotation marks. It's like the sign is quoting someone. “Silence – Interrogation! That's frightening.” The one he picked was “Investigation and Meeting Room”, which is now on the door. Tim shows us his personal favorite: “Gareth Keenan Investigates!” Hee! That's like the name of a detective show, which is probably exactly the effect Gareth was going for. How long did he spend on making these signs? He could have solved the whole “mystery” in the time it took to do that. At this point, Gareth comes out of the room and asks Tim and Dawn to keep it quiet, not noticing which papers Tim is holding. Tim asks him how the “invetigation” is going, and Gareth doesn't notice the difference, just says “Good.” Tim asks if he needs a deputy. Gareth says he already has one. Sheila comes to the door and says hi to Tim and Dawn. Sheila's the deputy? “Keep it down,” says Gareth importantly.

David and Jennifer walk down in the warehouse. There are high stacks of stuff everywhere. Jennifer says it looks scary and David shouldn't tie any more money down in the warehouse. She thinks David should fire someone else down here. David calls out to a guy, “Taffy! Taffy!” No reaction, so he says, “Glynn!” “What?” says a stocky guy in a blue overall. “We all call him Taffy,” David says to Jennifer. Yeah, that would explain why he doesn't identify with it at all. He doesn't tell the guy anything, I suppose he was only trying to say hi. He tells Jennifer how no one is dispensible, and the organization is like “one big organism, one big animal.” He says the guys down here are the hands, and the guys in the office are the mouth. “What part are you?” asks Jennifer. “Good question. Maybe the humor,” says David. Right, because animals are known for their well-developed humor organs. And humans too, for that matter. David never thinks through these things before he says them.

Investigation and Meeting room. Gareth is interrogating Donna, but what he's really doing is trying to impress her. He does it the same way David would do: by talking about himself. Show, don't tell, Gareth. He tells Donna people look at him and think, “Oo, he's tough, he was in the army, he's gonna be hard, by the book.” Sure they do! Just like all women find him hot. Gareth defines himself by his time in the territorial army, so he expects everyone else to. Which is sad, but funny. He tells Donna he's actually sensitive and caring, “Isn't Schindler's List a brilliant film?” Donna says “Yeah”, sounding a bit suspicious, as if she fears Gareth will ask her to see it at his place or something. Which he might. Gareth says people think “a strong man can't be sensitive”, and... in what way is he strong? He might have better luck with Donna if he weren't so transparent. Who says all girls want a “sensitive” guy? And isn't she gonna notice you lied when you treat her like you treat Rachel in season 2... But I'm getting ahead of myself. Donna cuts him off and asks what this is about. Gareth claims it's about the picture “of David with two blokes juicing on him.” Oo, sensitive! Donna says she thought he was sucking one of them. Gareth shows him that it's really just juicing. That was really necessary. Donna says she didn't do it. Gareth says he's happy they had this little talk. He continues, “Don't think of me as your boss...” “You're not,” says Donna. Hee! Gareth claims he is, and offers her this oxymoron: “Don't think of me as a boss, but know that I am.” I think he does want her to think of him as a boss. Donna says, “I don't think you are.” Gareth insists that since he is team leader, he is. His phone rings, and for the third time he picks it up without looking. Gareth, you are just begging for this! He tells Tim, “Alright, now seriously, just stop it.” How about you stop falling for it first? He gathers himself a bit and looks back at Donna, smiling. Donna looks back with a pitying look on her face and then looks out the window of the room. I feel sorry for Donna. Well, I feel sorry for anyone working with Gareth, really.

Gareth interviews that he's had many office romances - “not here”, he quickly adds, in case the crew might check it from the other employees. “Good-looking ones, as well.” But he's not really into office romances, “it's like shitting on your own doorstep.” Lovely simile there, very sensitive again. He claims many people wanted a romance with him at this workplace, but it's “distracting.” Right. That's the only reason he won't do it with Donna. He manages to show his homophobia in a completely unrelated note about how gay men shouldn't be allowed in the army, not that he has a problem with that, but in a battle situation, they might look at him and think, “Oo, he looks tasty in his uniform!” Tasty?? And I'm sure there are better-looking guys in the army than Gareth. This reminds me of something a gay friend once told me. When he told his straight friend he's gay, the friend was surprised that he was so good at “hiding it” in locker rooms and such. I guess he hadn't considered that gays do not automatically get turned on by every guy they hang out with. Gareth tries to show how non-homophobic he is by listing names from his record collection: “Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys.. they're all bummers!”

Warehouse. Men are watching a video of Lee's dog “shagging” someone else's dog. They're laughing heartily. Jennifer turns to Glyn and tells him that there will be cutbacks, but he only points at the TV and laughs. David is laughing with the guys, not realizing that he might sensitively tell them to listen to the boss. Jennifer remains polite and apologizes for the interruption. He asks about losing more staff, “I know you already lost Julie Anderton.” “I've never heard of her,” says Glyn. David says she opened a can of worms there, “Oh loyalty, when someone goes from this organization they no longer exist.” How is that loyalty? That's the opposite of loyalty. Jennifer realizes she's been lied to. David tries to play it off by saying, “You backed me into a corner and I had..to say..” He's so unprofessional. He acts like a schoolboy at the principal's office, making excuses. Glyn tells them to go back upstairs, because they're busy. Is this how he talks to his boss? “You don't look busy,” says Jennifer angrily. “Do you want me to get busy, love?” says Glyn. He suggests Jennifer sleep with his dog and the guys laugh. Does this kind of thing actually happen? Doesn't he know that she could fire him? Don't they have sexual harrassment cases in the UK? So weird. Jennifer wants a word with David right away, and she walks off angrily. “That was out of order in a way,” says David quietly. In a way? The guys just laugh at him for being busted. An older guy tells him Jennifer needs “a good shagging”. David just laughs and says he might have to now. The warehouse guys are just gross.

Season 1, Episode 2, Part 3: "Afternoon Mr Jackson"

People working. Sheila looking really tired and wiping her eyes. Such an exciting workplace. Dawn picks up the phone, but someone's got the wrong number. She seems tired too.

Tim is showing some moonwalking moves to Ricky and Donna. Ricky says he's doing it wrong, but Tim says it's straight from Thriller and does a fairly good voice impression of Michael Jackson: “Ee-hee! Shamou...” They're right outside David's office, so he walks in and wants to join in the fun. As usual, he manages to make a fool of himself: “Afternoon Mr Jackson! (nervous giggle) I know you're an international superstar, but did you send that fax yet?” He looks at the others for a reaction, but they just stare back. Yeah. Spelling out the joke is usually not all that funny. Embarrassed, he launches into a joke: “Have you heard Michael Jackson's new song? He's teamed up with the West Ham football team. I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles.” Everyone just stares again. I don't know much about British soccer, but apparently “I'm forever blowing bubbles” was some kind of slogan for them, and Bubbles was Michael Jackson's monkey, which... makes the joke kind of gross. David points at Donna and says she doesn't know about football and he'll fill her in later. Do you really need to know about football to get a lame joke like that? He continues with George Michael's latest song, but he has trouble getting started: “Have you heard of George Michael's latest release.. the latest song he's released..” Get on with it! Asked if it's about blowjobs, he says, “yeah, it's about the toilet stuff, it was a handjob.” Don't want them getting the details wrong. But before he can go on, Donna says, “Is it Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go?” The guys laugh out loud, and David is pissed that Donna stole his joke. It must be her revenge for something he's done while she has to live at her place. Maybe he's bored her to death with stories about.. well, the topic doesn't really matter when it's David telling the story. David wants to get laughs, so he continues: “What's white and slides down toilet walls?” “I don't know,” says Tim. “Michael Jackson's latest release!” he says fast and then corrects: “George Michael's..” with a nervous laugh. No one else laughs and it's really awkward. Tim wants to end the jokes and asks if David can moonwalk. David claims he can, but can't on the carpet. Tim says you can and demonstrates it, David says he used to do it all, “total control of the body and all that”, which is pretty hard to believe. He does a kind of weird robot dance, which looks dorky more than anything. Jennifer walks in and smiles benevolently, asking if David is busy. “Just keeping up the morale,” says David. “Can we have a chat?” says Jennifer and walks into David's office. As he's leaving, David still laughs a bit, adjust his tie, and makes a few really dorky dance steps into his office, complete with a slightly Michael Jackson-esque “Oh!” I think he doesn't realize how old and flabby he looks, especially while dancing like that. Tim can pull it off, but he can't.

Gareth's investigation room. Keith sits on the chair opposite to him, looking as blank as always. Gareth repeats his name and thanks him for coming in. He tries to act like one of the guys by saying they had a laugh at it. “We did, it was funny,” says Keith with some actual tone in his voice, sounding amused. Gareth gets serious and starts saying how offensive the picture was. “Not only was it derogatory...” and he takes his pen and uses it to look through Venetian blinds. That is a move that he's copying out of some detective show or movie, I'm sure. It's just totally gratuitous and seems to serve no other purpose but to show how important he is. I love it. In an interview, Gareth discusses why David might have given him this assignment: “Not only have I got people skills, but I'm trained in covert operations.” I love how Gareth sees the world inside the office as so important. He's undercover! He's solving a mystery! For just one day, that makes him important. It's kind of sad because it shows he's got a pretty low self esteem and needs to back it up by acting important about stuff like this. But that won't stop me from laughing at him. He mentions the phrase “softly, softly, catch a monkey”. I've never heard it before. He then trails off to talking about catching monkeys: “I'd make poison darts out of the poison of deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison could kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself with that, you'll be dead within a day.. Or longer.. different frogs, different times.” Both David and Gareth seem to have an obsession with precision: they always have to add something that totally ruins their point. But only Gareth can start with a fake porn picture in the office and end up with frog poison. Priceless.

In his best official voice, yet slightly lacking in grammar, Gareth slowly asks Keith: “Do..you..know..who..DONE..the..picture.” Keith replies, “Yeah. No, I mean.. no.” His tone is totally blank. “Your first answer was yeah,” observes Gareth. “I meant yeah,” says Keith in the exact same tone as before. Gareth tries to find out why he said yeah, but Keith just blankly says he doesn't know. “Am I making you nervous?” says Gareth. You wish. “No.. I mean, yeah,” says Keith. “Interesting,” says Gareth, eyeing a chart he has in his hands. I think Keith might be quite a challenge for interrogators much more experienced than Gareth. I can just imagine them yelling at him, torturing him and asking the same questions for hours, and all he'd say is the same blank, “Uh.. I don't know.” Keith rocks.

Cut to Jennifer talking to David. She says she's been to Neil's office, and he's made some changes. David had promised to make some changes himself, so Jennifer is wondering how those are going. David is clicking a pen on and off and looks like he's been caught doing nothing. “Great...” he says evasively. Jennifer doesn't realize he's lying and asks for concrete examples. David tries desperately to think, but only comes up with jargon: “streamlining the whole ongoing...” Jennifer interrupts him by saying she thought he hated “management speak” like that. He does? He might have said he does, but I think he loves jargon. It's easy to hide behind when you really have nothing to say. She wants to hear five concrete things he has done. David stupidly offers to give her “three, and then another two if you need them.” His examples are none too impressive: “Efficiency, turnover, profitability.” Jennifer says that still sounds like management speak: “You hate that.” I think it seems weird to tell a person twice what he hates, but I love how she never takes his bs. Jennifer gives three concrete examples of what Neil has done. One of them is that “all purchases that cost over 100 pounds now go through him.” David tries to show his efficiency by saying, “I was gonna make it ninety but hundred's alright.” Jennifer also mentioned that Neil has started with the redundancies. David nitpicks that that was only four examples. I love how Neil is already being set up as the more professional boss, even if we won't see him until the first episode of the second season.

Jennifer demands if David has fired anyone. David proudly tells her that he gave a speech this morning about how there won't be any redundancies. “Why on earth would you do that?” says Jennifer. Ouch. David thinks it has to do with a word important for management - “morale”. Jennifer thinks it's bad for morale in the long run if David lies to his employees. David doesn't know what to say, and it would be a good time to shut up, but he lamely says, “They won't remember.” He looks at the camera awkwardly.

Donna is bending Tim back to do the Michael Jackson moves. The camera zooms on Dawn, who is leaning on her desk, looking bored and left out. Jealousy?

Jennifer tells David he has to fire people, and if he can't do that, she offers to do it for him. “You're not the boss here,” says David, which sounds impudent to me, but Jennifer doesn't react to it. He lies that he has already made cutbacks. “Cutbacks where?” “Staff...” Jennifer asks if David let anyone go, and David says he did. Jennifer asks who, and David says, “Julie..” in a very guilty tone. “Where does Julie work?” “Warehouse...” Same tone. Jennifer wants to know Julie's job description and he says “general warehouse in the warehouse...” You know, you'd think a smart woman like Jennifer already realized at this point that David is lying. Maybe she just trusts his integrity so much that she doesn't suspect anything. She is, however, surprised that she doesn't know Julie, because she thought she knew everyone. She asks for Julie's last name and David offers “Aa.anderton...” Perhaps because of Julie Anderson? He's an idiot. He's lying to Jennifer on camera. The documentary crew has evidence that he's lying. His employees and his bosses are going to see this footage. He is so busted, sooner or later.

Season 1, Episode 2, Part 2: "You're so Immature"

Gareth comes back to his desk, takes off his coat and puts it on the chair, thus exposing his leathery gun holster with a cell phone in it. Tim laughs and asks if he has a license to carry it.Gareth says, “Portable..phone. Alright?” Gareth tells Tim to change places with Donna. “I'm not moving,” says Tim. Wouldn't he be happy to get rid of Gareth for a change? I suppose it's more of a question of keeping his position though. “Do as I say,” says Gareth as if he has some authority, which he totally doesn't have. “What are you gonna do, phone me?” says Tim. Good comeback there. Gareth says that he is team leader, which essentially means nothing and Tim says he doesn't care. “You are so immature,” says Gareth. Tim takes his phone and says, “If there's one thing I'm not it's immature.” Tim dials a number and Gareth's phone rings. Gareth, who isn't very good at deduction, takes his phone, looking very important, and answers it without looking at it. ALWAYS look at your cell phone when it rings, especially if the person next to you is calling someone and is a known prankster. They will always try this. Gareth says his name and Tim says, “Cock!” and hangs up. Gareth just looks at him annoyed, like “he got me again”. Gareth, you are stupid.

David and Donna come back around to Gareth's desk and he starts to tell David about his idea on moving Donna next to him, when David interrupts him. He has seen the gun holster and can't help but make jokes on it. “Gun holster!” he says and points his finger like a gun. Gareth tries to start talking to him, but he says, “Sorry, I just thought of something” and asks for Gareth's phone. The camera pans to Tim, who looks amused. David takes the phone and points the antenna at Gareth, saying, “I know what you're thinking: did I make five or six calls? Well, the question is, do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?” First of all: that's a really bad impression. Secondly: It's such a cliché. Thirdly.. well.. it's typical David. Gareth was talking about something work related, albeit stupid, and he cuts him off to make a joke. “Clint Eastwood,” David duhs. "Spot on," says Gareth. Well, he probably couldn't do it any better. David looks really happy with himself after accomplishing that, and they move on. Once again we see Tim's face, and he's shaking his head.

David tells Donna, “We're all hooked up here.. to the World Wide Web.. Internet.” Yeah, well, it'd be a pretty lame office if they weren't. “No shopping,” he says to a female employee. Har har. He asks Donna if she can use e-mail, because they've all got one. “Yeah,” says Donna, sounding a bit annoyed David would even ask such a question. David starts to show Donna the female employee's email. “Oh, you've got a new one,” he says and rudely clicks “open”. You do NOT read someone else's email! That's just rude. David gets what's coming to him, as he sees a picture of himself pasted into a porn picture, which is never shown on camera during the episode, but details will be mentioned later. Donna bursts into a laughter which she tries to suppress. The female employee also finds it funny. “Donna should not have to see me as a woman with two men doing that all over me” - he shows a “wanking” gesture. So like David to actually say what's in the picture, even if they can all see it. And I don't think he's only doing that to tell the viewers what's there. “You've got nice boobs,” says the anonymous employee, and David doesn't get the joke. He says they just pasted his head into it. Well, I don't think she meant he really has boobs like a porn actress, even if he is sporting some pretty prominent man boobs. “Who else has seen this filth?” David asks everyone. “You know what I'm talking about.” Everyone raises their hands. Dawn and Tim are at the copier and Dawn leans on it like she's laughing her ass off. David looks around and even Joan the cleaning lady has raised hers. “You haven't even got email, Joan!” David is shocked. “Someone printed it out for me,” says Joan in a scared voice. David says, “Who printed it out for Joan?” and everyone raises their hands again. It cracks me up. This is a real example of the laughs they have in the office, but since the laugh is on David, it's not funny to him and he acts offended. There's another example of this in the second season episode when he finds out he has a couple of weight-related nicknames. To not seem like a killjoy, David turns it into a PC issue: “Well, I'm angry. Not because I'm in it, but because.. it degrades women. Which I hate,” he adds and looks straight into the camera. He says the culprit “whoever he is”, is in the office, and then remembers to correct himself that it could be a woman: “Women are as filthy as men. I won't name names – I don't know any – but women. Are. Dirty.” Very convincing, especially since he doesn't know any names. Dawn looks at David, looking kind of shocked, then they share a little look with Tim.

Cut to David and Gareth sitting in David's office. David wants to share his view on women's rights with the camera, and of course manages to show how much of a sexist he really is. He says that Chris Finch, “bloody good rep”, has an IQ of 142, “one of the cleverest blokes I know, and certainly the cleverest bloke you know,” he says to Gareth. That's really funny, because apparently he doesn't think highly of the intellect of Gareth's friends. I wouldn't trust IQ's too much in determining who is the most intelligent, anyway, and I think that's exactly the point the writers are trying to make. David quotes Chris Finch and it certainly doesn't show his shining intellect: “How could I hate women? My Mom's one.” That is the lamest excuse ever. In fact, I got this same response from a person once who was dissing fat people. I asked what she has against fat people and she said, “I don't hate fat people. My Mom's fat!” Can I just point out that loving your Mom despite a quality you consider to be negative is not a sign that you don't hate other people who have that quality. We all love our family and friends despite their flaws. It's how you treat a stranger with that quality that shows your attitude. David is, of course, too dumb to get that and says, “There's a lot of truth to that.” He looks at Gareth with a smile that says he won the debate with just that quote. Gareth nods seriously. I think these guys put together have an IQ of 100. David claims he isn't annoyed because he's in the picture or “because I'm a prude.. It offends..women.” Why is it that none of the women in the office were offended then? “And their Moms,” says Gareth inanely. “In a way,” nods David. “It's sexist.” Gareth says he hates sexism, and David says he said it first, and shuts Gareth up by saying, “Yeah, but I've always hated it.” Guys, guys..You can both hate it! They're so childish.

David says they have access to the internet, but it's not censored. “Is that a good or bad thing?” he asks rhetorically. Gareth immediately replies, “Bad.” Hee. “Not for us to say,” says David. He demonstrates the evils of the internet by typing “sex..fetish. 2230 matches.” That few? He clicks on one to elaborate. I think he made his point, which was pretty obvious to begin with, but it's David and he must explain. He reads, “Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs.” He acts all offended and says people, “Dutch or otherwise”; shouldn't be punished for such a thing. He talks with his eyes closed to show his full contempt, then opens his eyes to this gleeful expression at the camera that seems to be saying: “See how much I care for equality?” Gareth says they should be rewarded. “They should be equal,” says David. “Women ARE equal,” says Gareth. “I've always said that,” says David just to get the last word. It's a brilliant scene, because it underlines the problem. Nobody wants to be seen as a bigot. Nobody wants to see themselves as a bigot. But just because they say they aren't bigots, does not mean they're all for equality.

People working/Tim and Dawn flirting. Dawn says, “Do you wanna play with my hair?” I've always found it kind of a weird scene. In the documentary, Lucy Davis said it was ad libbed, because they were told to ad lib some flirting and she likes people playing with her hair. “He couldn't say no off-camera.” His reaction does seem slightly reluctant. He says he has “kind of hot hands, sorry.” “That's alright, just don't touch my head,” says Dawn and bursts out laughing, perhaps because of the spontaneity of the situation. They do look spontaneous, I'll give them that. The flirting scenes are very natural and calm.

David and Gareth are having a pow-wow, and apparently they have to do that away from David's desk. He pulls his chair closer to Gareth, but feels cramped when Gareth leans in to listen to him. He tells Gareth, smugly playing with his tie again, that he has the responsibility for Donna, and “word from the top is..” “Hands off,” completes Gareth. David approves. “Out of bounds,” Gareth continues. David is happy with this. “Look but don't touch,” Gareth adds. “What do you mean by look?” says David suspiciously. Gareth retreats: “Talk to her, be friendly...don't get any ideas.” Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what he meant. “What if she's up for it?” Gareth asks suddenly. David looks annoyed. I find it hilarious that Gareth thinks he's God's gift to all women. He treats women like shit, he's obviously only after one thing, and he looks kind of pathetic. Not that it isn't accurate though. He doesn't realize women might have a thing called preferences or, you know, freedom of cohice.

Tim tells Dawn she should get someone to sort her desk out. That's the scene. They apparently made one flirting scene that they cut a bit to make interjections to David and Gareth's talk. It works quite nicely.

David tells Gareth to find out who did the picture “discreetly”. Gareth looks like this is the greatest honor ever bestowed upon him, and maybe it is. He says he needs an office for it. David lets him use the conference room. “I need to make a sign,” muses Gareth, and David tells him there's no need for that. He reminds Gareth that if he needs the conference room for a meeting, it's no longer Gareth's. “I'll take the sign down,” Gareth says. “No need to make a sign,” says David, a bit annoyed that Gareth takes the honor of investigating the “case” so much more seriously than he should. Gareth's phone rings again, and he picks it up again without looking at it. Have you learned nothing, Gareth? He closes the phone right away looking annoyed. “Who was that?” says David. “No one,” says Gareth and puts the phone back in the holster.

Season 1, Episode 2, Part 1: "The New Girl"

Credits. The house of Wernham Hogg looks really sad.

David's office. David says, “What you wanna know?” and shows something he has on his desk, “Seen this? Clock..calculator.. all in one, so that's great, thank you!” The camera pans on Donna looking at David like she's already pretty bored with him. David plays with his tie awkwardly before stepping closer to the answering machine, which he turns on. There are some messages. “Ah, here we go. Three,” says David, showing three fingers. “Hello, David, this is Paul Shepard. Can you give us a call, mate? Cheers.” David says, “No!” and bursts into a giggle. Soo sad. “David, it's Julian. Give us a ring then.” “Go away,” he says to the machine. “Good bloke, good laugh,” he says to Donna, who looks like she doesn't know how to react to the “humor”. “David, it's Paul again, I think...” “Leave me alone!” yells David. In a really awkward moment, he pretends to throw the answering machine out the window, gets tangled in the cord, and almost drops it. Startled, he puts it back on the shelf, “That's alright, it's alright there.. let's...” Obviously embarrassed, he says that's the office, “Let's get you started.” Donna looks pretty amused as she walks out of the office behind David. Yeah, the best thing about him is the unintentional comedy.

Another meeting about the redundancies. David says they will be fine, “because they said clearly that the most efficient branch will incorporate the other one. We are the most efficient branch, cogito ergo sum, we'll be fine.” He smugly adjusts his tie as if to say, “David has spoken.” Hee, “cogito ergo sum”. He totally doesn't know what it means. He should have said “thus”. In an interview, David says the employees don't need to worry. “They trust me implicitly. I've said there will be no redundancies, so that becomes gospel.” Is he comparing himself to Jesus? “Unconditional trust, it's fine, mutual reciprocated.” He does like those big words, even when he can't really communicate something through them. He's worried that “the powers that be” will come to the office “with their RULE BOOK” and notice they're having fun “whilst getting the job done” and “the sword of Damocles hanging over them”. That's quite many bits of jargon in a few sentences. “This isn't in the rule book – who's in charge here? Guilty! Get a new rule book!” I love his made up examples, because they usually get so complex that it could never really happen. Who says there even is a rule book?

Cut back to the meeting where David says, “It works with the turtle,” and everyone laughs. People are laughing with David and not at him? Did hell just freeze over? David introduces Donna, “the daughter of best my friends Ron and Elaine”, the names of Stephen Merchant's parents. That's the second Elaine they've mentioned, too, so I think it can't be a coincidence. David mentions that Donna is staying with him – poor girl – and that her Dad is a cop, and a big guy at that, so he tells the guys to keep their hands off. That's kind of sexist to begin with, but then the guys start with stupid jokes: “I've got something she could take home for evidence”, “do you want to receive some stolen goods?” - from Keith.. what does that even mean though? - and Gareth says, “Wouldn't mind escaping out her tunnel.” What?! Everybody's laughing, including David, and then he suddenly tells an employee to get out and says it's a shame. “I..will not.. have her tunnel.. bantered around this office.. willy.. nilly.” Maybe he can start by not calling it a “tunnel”. Or, you know, not mentioning it at all. Donna looks embarrassed. David asks Dawn what Donna should do if she has trouble with the men. “Kick them in the balls?” offers Dawn. “Oo, feminist,” says David, showing he doesn't know what a feminist is. Gareth tells Dawn, “Get your bra off!” “Do you wanna go out as well?” says David to Gareth. “Sorry, burn your bra.. Feminist.” Well, it's still not funny, but... “Good point,” says David. Yeah, great point. Just like everything that comes out of Gareth's mouth. Gareth keeps babbling, “obviously keep your t-shirt on...” David ends the meeting and everyone files out. Donna looks like she's already been publicly humiliated, even if the day's only starting.

Tim and Gareth's desk. Gareth is trying to get something to come out of what I think is a roll of Scotch tape, but he's doing it by beating it on the table, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. He keeps doing it until Tim laughs at him and says, “What are you doing? That's ridiculous.” Gareth just looks at him with this offended look in his eyes that says, “What, I can't even breathe now without being laughed at?”

Dawn picks up the phone and puts someone through to the right person. Her job seems so boring.

David is introducing Donna to the other employees. Gareth gives her an unnecessarily long handshake with both hands. David tells him just a handshake. Next up is Ricky, who seems to like Donna right away, and the feeling is mutual. They share a flirtatious handshake. David scolds, “Even longer...” Tim and Donna just wave at each other. “Good,” says David, as if he has to approve of the handshakes. David tells the others to show Donna the ropes, “but first methinks the lady does need a chair.” OK, that's one of the worst Shakespeare quotations ever. As David and Donna start to walk away, Gareth, who isn't facing them, tells them that Donna should sit with him, because he's team leader – and as he turns around, they're gone. “David!” he says and follows them. Unintentional fun at Gareth's expense, once again.

David interview. He says people tell him, “Would you rather be a funny man or a good boss?” Do they really say that? He says his reply is always: “To me they're not mutually exclusive. There's a weight of intellect behind my comedy.” Must be really far behind. And really lightweight. He says if he had to name three geniuses, he wouldn't say Einstein, Newton.... and he can't think of a third one. “I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.” That's British comedians, whom I don't recognize, other than John Cleese. It's still a great quote though. Because really, he's saying he's a comic genius.

Season 1, Episode 1, Part 5: "It's Not Company Policy"

In an interview, David admits they don't have a lot of ethnic minorities. Do they have anyone besides Sanj? Oh yeah, they must have "the other one", so two? That's not much. He says, “It's not company policy, I haven't got a sign on the door that says: White People Only.” He can say that. Or he could perhaps discuss why there are so few ethnic minorities. He tries to show his own anti-racist attitude, and of course manages to make yet another racist statement while doing it: “I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow.. Orientals make very good employees...for example...”

Tim invites Dawn out for a drink. Dawn is eager to go, but then her fiance Lee comes in and wants to go home. Dawn says she's not ready quite yet, and leaves Tim and Lee to have a very awkward moment together. Tim makes random noises with his mouth and goes, “ummm...” Then he asks Lee, “What's in the bag?” That's pretty much the dumbest random question you could ask anyone. Lee says he'll wait outside. “Alright, mate, take care,” says Tim, relieved. That was a nice moment there, very awkward and realistic. What I really like about this show is that they don't try too hard to bring the funny. Awkward can be funny on its own.

David is wrapping up the day with Ricky and tries to sum up the office: “We work hard..we play hard.. play hard when we should be working hard sometimes..partly down to me, sure.” Well, I'd say they seem bored, play pranks on each other to avoid that, and laugh at David behind his back. David turns the topic back to himself and says he is friend first and boss second. “Probably entertainer third.” It always cracks me up when he says "entertainer", because it really doesn't describe him at all. Can't think of a word that describes him less, actually. He says he lets people get away with murder and they do the same to him, and "the girls love me.. I mean not like that.." Again - what girls? Dawn knocks on the door and David takes the last opportunity to show Ricky how fun he really is. He tells him he will play a practical joke on Dawn, “don't give me away.” Dawn gives David a fax. David asks her to sit down, because he was about to call her anyway. “As you know there will be redundancies, and you've made my life easier..” Dawn is smiling at this point, but her smile fades quickly as David continues, “inasmuch as I'm gonna have to let you go first.” Inasmuch? David, always go for the simplest word choice. Dawn is shocked and asks why she's being fired. “Why? -Stealing. Thieving,” says David, obviously the first thing that came to his mind, and really, it couldn't be much worse as a joke. He keeps rubbing his chin and ear, and maybe that's a tip that he's lying and trying to come up with stuff, but of course Dawn takes it all seriously, because David does it with a straight face for once. Dawn asks what she has stolen, and David says, “Post-it notes.” That's ridiculous. No one could be fired for that, right? Right? Dawn says they're worth like 12 pence, and David asks Ricky, who's looking totally embarrassed, if he has his Bible with him: “Thou shalt not steal, unless it's only worth 12 p. You steal a thousand Post-it notes for 12 p, you've made... profit.” He can't count that in his head? Hee. Even I can. 12 000 p, so 12 pounds, if I've got the currency right, and I had C in maths. I wouldn't call that “profit”, either. Dawn asks why she would have stolen those, and David makes it even worse by saying she used them to roll joints with. “Caught you, drug addict.” Dawn says she never stole anything in her life. David says the good news is he doesn't even have to pay her because it's “gross misconduct”. Now would be a good time to stop, David. In fact, you could have stopped around the time Dawn came in with that fax. Completely understandably, Dawn breaks down in tears. David is really embarrassed now and says, “Aww, that ... that was just a joke... good girl... it's a joke we were doing..settling in...” We? Ricky probably thinks, but can't say, “Leave me out of it!” Dawn is covering her face, still weeping, but manages to say in a low voice, “You wanker!” “Come on,” says David. “You're such a sad little man,” says Dawn. David tries to play it off by saying, “Am I? I didn't know that.” Dawn puts herself together and leaves the room. Ricky is looking down. The scene goes on for quite long, which makes it

David“What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? -I'ts the people. Investment.. in.. people.” He brags with the time he increased profit by 17 %, but claims it's not his proudest moment. Instead, it was a moment when a young Greek guy, “first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English”, came to him and said, “Mr Brent, will you be the godfather to my child?” And a smug look at the camera. I'm a bit sceptical about this story, because someone who hardly speaks a word of English couldn't work at Wernham Hogg, and he couldn't say a sentence that complex. But apparently David is talking about a real person, because he hilariously adds, “Didn't happen, we had to let him go, he was rubbish. He.. was.. rubbish!” That is an awesome end for the first episode, because it shows David's double standards so well.

In a final moment after the credits are almost over, Gareth comes into David's office with another stapler in jell-o. Hee! So David and Gareth have both learned nothing from the events of the episode. Nice wrap-up there.

Season 1, Episode 1, Part 4: "Putting the Record Straight"

I would say "setting the record straight", but maybe they say it differently in the UK. The employees are setting up chairs in the conference room; David has called in a meeting. My annoyance with this scene is that Joan the cleaning lady is there. I've worked as a cleaning lady, and I can say that I wasn't employed by the same company as the office employees and had pretty much nothing to do with them. Also, I came to the office after four pm, as the company had expressed a wish that I wouldn't come while the people are working. I don't know how it is in the UK, but it just doesn't ring true, though most of the details do, and that bugs me a bit.

But moving on. David starts the meeting by saying that he knows there have been rumors and he wants to “take this opportunity to put the record straight”. Gareth interrupts him and says that as team leader, he should know first. The camera pans to Tim who is laughing quietly. David says he will tell everyone at the same time. Gareth says David should whisper it to him, which is utterly childish, and the others are impatiently grumbling that they want to hear it now. Gareth, who obviously lacks the skill of reading a situation, asks David if he should be the one to tell them. “You don't know what it is,” says David, for once acting as the voice of reason. Gareth now gives his boss the PERMISSION to tell others. “I don't need your permission,” says David, laughing a bit awkwardly and – you guessed it – adjusting his tie. Gareth says, “Permission granted.” He is such a sad little man. David rolls his eyes but says nothing, just glances at Gareth. He tells people what Jennifer told him. So far, so good.

But when Malcolm, an older employee, asks David if he's gonna let them, David starts acting all macho, says he's “the head of this family” and that they can boss around Neil's people all they want but he won't let anything happen to the Slough branch. Angela isn't convinced and says, “David, if they do downsize here..” David interrupts and keeps saying he won't let it happen. The employees are talking nervously, someone says, “You have to be honest”. Malcolm says, “What if it's out of your hand?” David stupidly promises that it won't be out of his hands. How can he control if something is or isn't out of his hands? Malcolm asks if David can really make that promise. Word. Gareth says, “On his mother's grave.” OK, that's a phrase no one should ever use, especially for someone else. David says he's offended that Malcolm has to question his promise. Malcolm starts to say something, but Dawn raises her hand and David takes the opportunity to shut Malcolm up: “Sorry, Malcolm, Dawn wants to speak. Go on, Dawn.” Little does he know that Dawn wants to point out that Jennifer did mention it could be this branch that gets downsized. People get upset and start talking nervously again. David tells Dawn, in jargon, that she should have thought of the confidentiality of the meeting. Well, he did just promise Jennifer he wouldn't tell the employees anything, and here he is telling them, so... Malcolm tells David he can't promise anything if that's the case, and David says “this is my ship”, and it's a question of trust. Malcolm says it isn't, but David says it is. “Do you trust me?” he asks. “Yes, I trust you,” says Malcolm quietly. David acts like it's case closed. “Meeting ajourned,” he says, pronouncing “ajourned” in a French way and acting like it's very funny. Gareth wants to know if the people trust him, and asks them to raise their hands if they do, but everyone's leaving. Sheila raises her hand. Aww, poor Sheila, ever the obedient employee. Gareth says the “assistant regional manager” thing again and says he needs to know if people trust him. David doesn't think he does. “Put your hand down,” he says to Sheila who is still raising it. David smiles looking at Gareth and adjust his tie. He looks a bit smug, as usual.

Gareth says he's not worried for himself, and says downsizing is “natural selection”. Right, it's got nothing to do with business. He takes an example: “Imagine a warehouse where a little midget feller is driving a forklift. He can't see over the top, he's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals...” As if that isn't a bigoted enough example, he makes it worse by showing he's talking about a real person: “I mean, Anton's a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?” If this were a real documentary, Anton would have seen that, right? I think Gareth just expects disabled people and everyone who's a bit "different" to take "he's a lovely bloke, but..." as a compliment and leave it at that.

Tim is sitting and working behind his fortress. Gareth asks him a work-related question, but he tells Gareth he can't see or hear him, and Gareth needs to call him. He does, and it's on voice mail. “Leave a message,” says Tim. Gareth starts leaving a message but feels it's stupid. Tim says he's right, and it is stupid. He tells Gareth to repeat the question, but gets up and leaves with a mischievious grin on his face. Gareth asks about the price of “mat-coated SRI1”, and I have no idea what that means, but it's just one of those details they put in to make it seem more real. After a while, Gareth realizes Tim isn't there, and he says, “I know you're not there, and obviously you can't hear that, but I'm not talking to myself because.. They're filming.” To make matters worse, he peeks over the files to see if Tim really has left. He's just trying to appear dignified and failing miserably. It's the funniest thing about Gareth, I think.We see that Tim has gone to Dawn's desk, where she's trying to rearrange his hair, but it's not working: “You can't do anything with your hair!” she laughs. They're cute together, but it also shows how little work they're doing at the office.

David introduces Ricky to an Indian employee called Sanj. In his ongoing attempt of showing what a fun workplace this is, David tells Ricky what a great Ali G impression Sanj does, “Aiiight! -I can't do it, go on.” Sanj says he can't do it and David must be confusing him with someone else. “Sorry, it's not you, it's the other one,” says David, making a complete fool of himself. “The other what – Paki?” says Sanj. “That's racist,” says David and leaves. Dude, if you make an obviously racist statement, even if it is by accident, you can't save face by calling the other person racist! David has some of the worst people skills I've ever seen. Second only to Gareth.

Season 1, Episode 1, Part 2: "The Number Bods"

Part 3: “The number bods”

David shows Ricky the accountants, “the number bods”. The office seems so tiny and cramped

Five or six people are working at the same desk, they each have a computer of their own, but that's it. I can imagine feeling really annoyed at that office. They don't even have cubicles to work in, and it seems like the only ones to really have any space are David and Dawn. David tells Ricky how the accountants are really mad – Sheila smiles awkwardly at him from her desk – and points at Keith saying, “Especially that one. He's mental.” Keith stares back blankly. Gotta love Keith. David adds to Ricky, “Not literally, obviously, that wouldn't work. Last place you'd like someone like that is in .. accounting..” I like to think he felt he add that because of how Keith is just staring at them, so Ricky might take “mental” the wrong way. Making jokes about mental health can always be made worse by talking about where mental patients don't belong.

David next introduces the recycling bin, which frankly doesn't need an introduction, and Ricky acts a bit bored. David makes a crack about how they “make a lot” of paper, and “it doesn't grow on trees”. Ricky's laughter sounds very strained. “Cos you know, pulp,” says David, and somehow I feel sorry for him there. You make a bad joke, don't make it worse by elaborating your obvious point.

Tim and Gareth. Gareth is using a big ruler to push things over to Tim's side of the desk. Tim interrupts a call to attend to this. Gareth claims he can't concentrate if something is coming onto his desk. “One word, two syllables: demarcation. All right?” I love how uneducated he is. Tim rubs his temples.

David goes behind a plant and says, “David Brent, I presume?” It's even dumber than it first looked to me, because he's not supposed to say his OWN name, is he? He awkwardly says that he uses it to “cheer this lot up”. He uses the plant for that? Ricky looks really embarrassed, and apparently David is too, because the grin never leaves his face. He launches straight into a sexist remark about how they send “the girls” plants to make them happier, “because they can sometimes get a little bit..” Huh? What girls? The girls of the office? That didn't even make sense. There's a Billy Big Mouth Bass on the wall, which David is happy to see, because he thinks he can show Ricky something really fun. But the batteries are dead and he tells Sheila to go get some and take it out of petty cash. It's kind of heartbreaking to watch how his attempts to amuse Ricky are failing one by one. To brush off the awkwardness, David blabs, “Can't put a price..on comedy..”

Tim and Gareth have resorted to schoolboy behaviour. Tim is calling Gareth names in an annoying voice and Gareth is pretending not to listen. “You're a cock, you're a cock, you're a cock,” Tim repeats, while Gareth tries to keep a nonchalant face. He looks kind of angry, though it could just be a sad brooding face. It's a bit hard to tell because he always looks so sad.

To show Ricky the laughs they have at the office, David shows him the bulletin board with a cartoon. “'Does this make my ass look big?' It's not sexist, that's the bloke saying it – at LAST,” says David, making the joke, if possible, even more sexist than it already is. Also, just because they have a few cartoons pinned on the bulletin board does not mean they laugh a lot. And I'm pretty sure David put those there himself. “All for that, all for that in a workplace..” David mutters. Ricky doesn't look too impressed.

There's a Flat Eric toy on a clothes rack. Without saying a word, David points at it and looks at Ricky with a huge open-mouthed grin like “THIS is gonna make you laugh”. It doesn't, so he just awkwardly moves on to introducing Tim. Then he spots Gareth and thinks this is going to be a lot of fun. “Ooh! Careful! Watch this one! Gareth Keenan in the area.” He asks Gareth to introduce himself, and Gareth says he is “assistant regional manager”. David corrects, “assistant to the regional manager.” They do this several times over the show. I think it's just meant to show how Gareth likes to feel important, like the “team leader” stuff. David says Gareth is immediately “beneath me.. oo, as an actor said to a bishop!” Which is David's lame way of making a gay joke. But of course he has to make sure Ricky knows it's a joke: “No, he's not.. I'm not..” David asks Gareth to tell Ricky about his car, which.. who cares? Gareth apparently thinks people find it interesting, because he starts talking about it and even offers to show photos. But alas, his drawer has a stapler in jell-o in it, and he forgets all about his car as he jumps back as if it were a bug. David says smugly, “Solomon's here”, which cracks me up. Gareth shows him the stapler. It's sitting on a plate with yellow jell-o around it. It looks really funny. Gareth says it's the third time Tim has done this. David asks why he'd do it. “Because I said I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves,” says Gareth. It's cute how he thinks of everything in terms of war or survival – jell-o is his enemy! And yeah, they call it “jelly”, which is kind of cute. David says Gareth should know that people pounce once you show them their weakness. Hee! David asks what it is. The jell-o is totally see-through, so if he can't recognize a stapler when he sees one, maybe he needs to work a little harder. Gareth starts taking the stapler out with his bare hands, and David tells him not to do that, because there are people starving in the world, “which I hate”. Well, we didn't think you'd love it, David. He's looking at the camera while he says it, and it's obvious he's trying to establish that He Cares. I personally think using starving people against someone who is playing with food/eating too much/eating too little is always a bit shaky, because what does it even have to do with them? You can't help the starving by eating the jell-o with your stapler in it.

David asks another obvious question: “How do you know it's yours?” Gareth shows him his name's on it. David tells him not to eat the jell-o, because it has chemicals from the marker. Because jell-o is so organic. Gareth demands an official warning for Tim and calls Ricky his witness. Way to engage the new guy on his first day. Tim asks Gareth how he knows it was him, whilst taking a big bite of what appears to be a jell-o bar. Gareth asks if David can't discipline Tim. “Oo, kinky,” says David in a high-pitched voice. He looks at Ricky to see if he'll laugh, but he doesn't. He looks at Gareth, still laughing nervously, and then goes serious when he realizes how offended Gareth is. He tells Tim that with practical jokes, “you gotta know when to stop as well to start, and now is the time to stop putting Gareth's personal possessions in jelly. Alright?” He mostly looks at Gareth while saying it though, so it doesn't seem entirely genuine. When Tim tells Gareth “it's only a trifling matter”, David goes back to giggling mode. He's thrilled to be able to show Ricky how much fun this workplace is: “Here we go, always like this.” Ricky says, “You should put him in custody”, which I didn't get right away. He means “custard”. David is extatic and says, “He's gonna fit in here.” Gareth looks like a bullied schoolkid as he looks down and pouts. “I'm more worried, really, about damage to company property, that's all,” he says. Sure he is. David is still thinking of “trifling”. There's a bit of silence and he says, “I'm just trying to think of other desserts”, as if the dessert jokes were really witty. Both Tim and Ricky seem to contemplate on it too. Hee.

Gareth interviews that “people do sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed”. He claims to like to laugh “as much as the next man”, which everyone thinks of themselves. But Gareth lacks a sense of humor and that's the reason Tim likes to tease him. If he laughed it off, Tim would have no joy of doing it. There are people who can't resist someone who takes every joke literally and always gets offended. It has nothing to do with the workplace being relaxed. It's because of how Gareth deals with it. Of course, he mentions the territorial army and says it was one of the rules that they couldn't mock about. I love how Gareth acts like the territorial army is a reference point for any issue.

Back at their desk, Tim is using Gareth's stapler when Gareth walks to the desk – from the interview perhaps? So he felt he had to vent right after the incident? That's so cute – and sad. Gareth takes the stapler from Tim and says: “It's got my name on it!” “It says Garett, actually,” corrects Tim. Gareth can't spell his own name? Hee! Gareth says Tim should ask for permission and Tim says that he always says no. Gareth says that's why he should ask. That doesn't make any sense, but of course Gareth doesn't see it. Tim says it was just there, and Gareth says “that's his home, leave it”. It's a he? I can see why Tim loves to tease him. Tim leans back in his chair and gets up to leave – but then he snatches the stapler and runs to the window with it, Gareth chasing him. Tim holds the stapler out of an open window, thrusting his hand through the Venetian blinds. Dude, that stuff wrecks them. Just pull them up first. No one on TV has any respect for Venetian blinds. Tim threatens to drop it, then pulls his hand back in without the stapler. Gareth, who is upset, can't think of anything sensible to say, so he says, “What if it kills someone?” Tim says then Gareth will get the blame as his name's on it. “Why would a murderer put his name on a murder weapon?” says Gareth, even now taking it totally seriously. “To... stop people from borrowing it?” suggests Tim. Gareth calls for David. “I hate that you bring me down to this,” says Tim to Gareth. As I said, I can see why he does this, but I also think he could control himself if he wanted to. I'm not too impressed with Gareth either. David isn't Tim's babysitter, and if he acted like a grownup, they could have a talk about it. Or he could just stop being a pedantic twit. They're both acting like schoolboys here. Gareth, humiliated, barks at the accountants for laughing, but Tim tells him to leave them alone. The woman – Angela? - is totally cracking up, while Keith just looks amused, yet immobile. Keith's deadpan expressions are just awesome.

Dawn is taking a break and enjoying a book and some cheese. Of course, David comes and ruins it. He asks Dawn what she's reading and rudely checks the cover while she has the book bent. Let her be, Brent, it's her time off. “Popcorn by Ben Elton. Is it good?” “It's alright,” says Dawn with her mouth full of cheese. David tells her he had a scare earlier. “I thought I found a lump,” he says and touches his balls in one of the most hilarious yet disturbing scenes of the episode. David just totally doesn't understand that it's not OK to tell female employees about things concerning his testicles. Maybe he missed that part of management training. He says he checks regularly, but it's “terrifying... testicle cancer.. cancer in your testicles...” I love how he just rambles on about it completely tin-eared. Dawn's expression is horrified. She stops eating. David asks what the food is. “It's a bit of brie,” she says, unable to swallow the piece she has in her mouth. “What, from down the cafeteria?” says David, I suppose to act like he cares about Dawn's life, since he just shared something way too personal. Then he just walks away. Dawn puts away the cheese. Maybe she thought she could leave work without the mental image of her boss's testicles.

Gareth is calling a calculator company, because he has gotten a complaint from a “very important client” that his calculation is wrong. He didn't consider that he might have miscalculated? Employees are asking David about the redundancies. David says, “I don't know what source your little bird... is... from...” He always has to add something that changes the whole meaning of the sentence. Gareth tries out a calculation and the calculator gets it right. Yeah, I don't think you're gonna get your money back from the company, Gareth. A female employee asks David to be straight with them. “I am being straight with you but I can't..tell you at the moment..” says David unconvincingly.

Tim is having enough of Gareth, so he starts piling files on the space between their desks. Gareth tries to make him stop by saying it's a matter of “health and safety”. Tim asks Gareth how it's against health and safety, “Crushed by cardboard or..?” Gareth has a reply ready: “Number one: blocking out light. Number two...Misuse of company files.” Hee! The show has many moments where people are using “company policy” as an excuse for something, and it very often seems to be Gareth doing it. Tim acts like it's bullshit, which it is, and says this is why he doesn't care if he gets fired. He says he will slit his throat if he has to watch Gareth all day, and he makes a “cutthroat” gesture horizontally. Gareth, who looks like an emu sticking his head above the files, says Tim can't do it like that: “Get the knife in behind the windpipe, pull it down..” He demonstrates with his hand. That is pure Gareth. Tim looks at the camera, smiling, as if to say: “See what I have to put up with?” We hear you, Tim. Then he says, “I could just apply for another job."