Season 2, Episode 4, Part 2: "I'm an Educator"

David is still telling the camera about what a great motivational speaker he is. "Um... I'm an educator." More like "uneducated". Who does he educate and at what? I suppose it's one of those words that are easy to use, because if you teach anyone anything, you can call yourself an educator, right? David has taught his employees to avoid him at all costs, especially when he has that "I've got a joke for you!" grin on his face. Valuable lesson. "I'm a motivator of people. I excite their imaginations." Hee! Yes, really. Look around the office, you see people who really reached their goals and realized their dreams because of David. Like Tim and Dawn.

"It's like bloody Dead Poets' Society sometimes out there. You know in the end, where they all stand on the tables and... I wouldn't want them to stand on the tables, literally, it's against health and safety for one thing, but my point is this: life is about communication." But since the idea of DPS was basically that Robin Williams challenges authority and revolutionizes the techniques of the establishment - see also Patch Adams and a few other Robin Williams movies - I think mentioning health and safety regulations is a sure sign that you're not like DPS. It's like you want to be a rebel, but within the rules. Also, DPS wasn't actually all that rebellious a movie. DPS was to boys what Mona Lisa Smile was to girls - a nostalgic look back on the injustices of yore with that self-satisfied feel of "things are much better nowadays". I guess David's idea of rebellion against authority is based on models like this, and thinking about it, that's a very David way of thinking. It's like he never goes into the issues more deeply, he just knows the stereotypical surface scratch of rebellion or exciting someone's imagination, and that is best exemplified with DPS. Nice touch.

Then he delivers this dialogue with, eh, himself? It's like the ultimate fictional "person" in his self-praising speeches, because this one actually talks back and is willing to pay him for being so awesome: "We live for three square year and ten, and it's: Did I communicate? Yes, you did. Did I get something across? Yes, you did. Are you gonna pay me for it? Yes, lots. Thanks very much, not why I do it, but thank you." Right, because the payment thing is a complete afterthought, not the climax of that idea, at all. I'm loving it.

People working, their imaginations excited by David's presence. They only look bored on the surface. Inside they're boiling with excitement!

Simon the computer geek is at Gareth's computer now. Of course, Gareth leeches onto anyone who thinks he's cool - note that he doesn't actually have to be cool - and feels more validated if that person so much as spits on him. It's kind of sad. Gareth opens the conversation by saying he's going carting with his friends. Simon asks if he's any good, and Gareth says he came first and points at a certificate he got - he put it on the wall? At work? Hee, such an achievement really! - and Simon glances at it quickly. Then he launches into this completely unbelievable self-praising speech, hilarious in its sheer impossibility: "Well, I went there the first day it opened, right? Did a couple of laps, pulled over, the bloke that runs the thing came over and said, 'Oy, no professionals.' I took my helmet off and said I'm not a professional. He said, 'You're not a professional?' I said, 'No.' He said, 'Well, you should be. If I was you I'd take up Formula 1. If you drive like that you'd probably be the best in the country.' I said, 'I'm not interested, I'm making shitloads out of computers.'" Behind him, Tim is looking like he can't believe it. Now, it just so happens that my brother "Josh" is in computers, and this is exactly the kind of story you might hear from him. The way he talks about stuff, he knows someone from every field known to man, and he always has some opinion about any issue, because his friend in that field knows what he's talking about, and he said... It's really really annoying. Also: self-praise. Most of his stories have incongruities, and most of them will be retold to you in a different version later on - like, it happened to his friend, but the next time he tells you the story, it happened to him. It's really hard to take him seriously. Josh isn't quite as rude to others as Simon is, though.

Another story about doing "speedway": "Right, well, I was doing it once, and I was bombing it round. And some idiot had left like a ramp thing out. I could see the people going, 'Oh my god! If that guy hits that ramp going at that speed, he's definitely dead. I hit the ramp, I took off in the air, I turned over in the air, they were going, 'Well, he's definitely dead now.' I landed on my wheels, pulled over and said, 'What were you worried about?'" Riight. It sounds very credible, because a) he turned over in the air?!, b) he knew exactly what the people outside the car were thinking, because of what exactly? He can read their minds? And I mean... Who does he think he is, some action hero? Hee at this whole story, and double hee at Tim's wide-eyed amazement at how much bullshit this guy can actually feed at Gareth. Gareth's dreamy expression says that he's not entirely sure, but this might well have happened, and if so, Simon's a real hero to him.

Neil is talking to Dawn. "Um, about five?" says Dawn unsurely. "Five. So who's this chap with you?" Dawn is about to answer as David walks in, not wanting any of his staff to talk to Neil, who is basically the enemy. David tries to joke about them having a meeting, though obviously he is really annoyed that Neil will go to Dawn, and worried that Dawn will say something that looks unfavorable to him. Neil tells him Dawn's shutting down reception at five. "Well... just a half-hour early today," David says and plays with his tie. He could, of course, mention that Dawn is leaving early because of him. Neil asks if they can do without Dawn. David says people can "answer their own phones and do their own post tonight, just..." Neil, who's obviously going somewhere with this, says, "That's good. So we can probably lose her altogether then, can't we? If we don't need a receptionist, we might as well let her go. Either she's needed or she's not!" David, furrowing his brows, says they do need her. "My point is, David, you haven't put a system in place. For your own needs, you've told Dawn to shut down reception at five." Yes. Thank you. See David, she isn't your personal secretary and you can't just take her with you whenever you feel like it. "You haven't told these people they can pick up the phone if it rings. Does Dawn know that they can do their own post?" David stupidly tells Dawn, "Dawn, they can do their own post tonight." Beep! Wrong answer. If your boss scolds you, just admit to it and tell him you'll do better next time.

Neil, who's really getting fed up with David's "management style", continues: "It's just that there's no system in place. You're not thinking things thru. I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking, David." Jennifer, who visited considerably less, wouldn't have noticed things like this, but Neil does. In one way, I'm glad to see David told he is not a good boss. Maybe it's because I've seen him compliment himself so much that someone needs to tell him the truth. David uses the wrong tactics again: "Alright, chill out, don't have a cow at me." David. You did something wrong. Your boss is lecturing you for a reason. Take it, don't tell him off. Neil isn't taking it: "Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in charge here. Let me remind you: I'm your boss. OK?" "Yeah, yeah, I just..." David fuddles insecurely. "Just try to think things thru," Neil finishes and walks away. Dawn looks very embarrassed to have witnessed this. David grins at the camera like, "Oo, that Neil, always so moody!" He also looks embarrassed. He tells Dawn, "That was your fault, innit? Took the rap for you, didn't I?" He walks away to sulk, while Dawn sits there giving him a much deserved stinkeye. David Brent - assertiveness and guidance training in business. If someone criticizes me, it's your fault.

A group of really excited employees working. The atmosphere is rising all the time. They're basically getting up on their desks as we speak. Oh no! Remember the health and safety rules!

More Simon. OK, I think the Simon scenes are funny - not as funny as what usually goes on the show, but definitely better than having a bunch of Rachel and Tim scenes. However, I think they could have scattered them around the episodes a bit. It seems excessive to have three of these in the same episode, within the same chapter. Anyhoo, Simon starts telling Gareth a story: "Once, right, when Bruce Lee was filming, one of the extras came over and started a fight." Gareth cuts him 0ff and says something a bit hard to hear, but it ends with "Bruce Lee just did the roundhouse on him." Simon, who has to get the last word no matter how trivial the issue, corrects him: "No, he smashed him through a wall." Tim lifts his head, looking like he's laughing silently. I heart Tim. "And instead of firing him, he just said, 'Go back to where you were, let's get on with the filming.'" Tim comments from his desk, saying, I think, "Man, those catchphrases. Fast as lightning." Tim rocks. Simon glances at him quickly, feeling his status as the all-knowing hero slightly shaken, but not shattered.

Gareth asks if Simon's seen Bruce Lee fight Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon. Wow, they have such diverse conversation topics! Cars, violence in films... I wish I was a man. Simon baits him, saying "no" in a surprised voice. "Have you not seen it? That is a classic!" says Gareth, surprised yet perhaps a little validated that he's seen something Simon hasn't. Simon cruelly shoots him down: "I haven't seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon, I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon." "That's what I meant," Gareth says, totally embarrassed. Simon the bully asks him why he said the wrong title then. "He fights Bob Wall in both, but Norris. Is only. In Way of the Dragon." Simon, you are the king of movie trivia, OK? No, you're like, the emperor of dragon-related movie titles and Chuck Norris. I hail you. I'm in awe of your superior knowledge. Simon is really the computer version of Finchy. He hasn't thrown a kettle over the pub, but he does know what movies Chuck Norris fought in, dammit! Gareth says, "Yeah, I know," trying to make the embarrassing moment pass. Simon is looking at him, Gareth is looking away, and if you know anything about dogs, you'll know the one who looks at you the longest is the dominating one. The whole body language here is really alpha male vs. lowly subject. "So when he fights Chuck Norris..." "In what?" Simon cuts him off. "In Way of the Dragon," Gareth sighs. Because he has to show his submissiveness, because he's the lower ranking guy in the male pecking order. It's sad, really. "Correct, at last," says Simon triumphantly and gives the camera an amused look. Simon, we are so not on your side, so don't do the Tim glances, OK? Gareth just goes: "Ummm....", because he's been thoroughly owned and he can't even pick up the self esteem to continue further. I suddenly feel very maternal about Gareth. I could take him in my arms and rock him to sleep right now. Tim looks at the camera like he feels pretty much the same way. The fact that Tim questions this idiot is a sign from the writers to us that they don't endorse this message.

Simon's on a roll now, as he starts telling Gareth more fun facts about Bruce Lee: "You do know that Bruce Lee isn't really dead, don't you? Yeah, it was in a book. What he did was, he faked his own death so he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police infiltrating drugs gangs and the triads." While he's talking, Rachel comes to see Tim and Tim gestures at Simon, looking amused. "Yeah, I reckon it's true," says Gareth. Yes, it sounds really credible. Tim voices my thoughts: "Yeah, I reckon that's true, because if you want someone to go undercover to investigate the triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star." Tim and Rachel laugh at Simon quite openly, and rightly so. Simon finds a way to one-up Tim: "So you've gone off Dawn now, have you?" Gareth chuckles a bit, even if it's not a particularly clever retort. Rachel, still smiling, says, "What?" Tim gets annoyed. "What did you say? What are you talking about? Just... shut up, shut up." Yeah, great save. He really seems like he loves Dawn still, and thank you again, Gervais/Merchant, for making this scene about Tim and Dawn. And again, it's hard to understand the superior attitude of guys like Simon, but you know what they say - it's all about the pentiums.

Excited workers climbing on tables. They all look so very bored. Rachel is talking to some other guy who says they haven't been working for ages, or something. Hee, it does seem that way.

Lee is visiting Dawn, they're talking to each other in a low voice. Tim walks by, and Lee gets straight to the point: "Tim! Have you shagged her yet or what?" I find all the warehouse guys in general and Lee in particular - because he's younger than the others and should know better - pretty gross. Dawn looks suitably disgusted and tells Lee, "Of course he hasn't." But when she looks at Tim for confirmation, a silence falls that tells us that yes, they have done the deed. Duh! They basically ate each other's faces at work, so Dawn shouldn't be so naïve. "I don't kiss and tell, mate," says Tim, looking flustered. I think he's embarrassed about this sex life talk in front of Dawn. However, I'd like to believe that if Lee had asked him in private, he'd have gotten the same reaction. I really admire the Tim character for not being a sexist horndog like the other guys. Lee seems way too interested in Tim's sex life, as he's still trying to ask for details. That's so gross, especially in front of your fiancée. Way to show respect for her. Tim just says, "My lips are sealed" and walks away. "He's done well," says Lee and looks at Rachel admiringly. "What do you mean, done well?" Dawn asks in a voice that should tip him off to shut. Up. Now. "She's nice," says Lee. "Yeah, but you don't even know her," says Dawn. "No, I mean she's very attractive," Lee clarifies. Oh, that nice. The only kind of nice a girl can be to guys like Lee. "She's not very attractive," says Dawn as Lee just stares at Rachel in rapture. How have these two not broken up yet? You'd think Lee walks off with the first hot chick he sees. And poor Dawn, having to feel jealous about two guys at a time.

Season 2, Episode 4, Part 1: "That's... an Earring?"

I love this episode. It's the beginning of David's inevitable downward spiral, but before the following two episodes and the Christmas special where David is really going down, we still get a glimpse of him triumphant, thinking he aced his motivational speech. He makes a complete fool of himself, but he thinks he's doing great, and this is the last episode where this happens. He's about to become brutally aware of his problems. Now he's still happy in his delusions of his own popularity, coolness, youth, and entertaining skills. Poor David. On the other hand - heeee.

The opening scene shows Tim and Rachel snogging - let's use that word, since it is a British show - in the office. They've gone from flirting to open... well, snogging. It's really annoying when someone does that at work. Really, really annoying. Ditto school. I remember this couple that used to snog in the library. They sat on one of the tables, holding each other and kissing. It looked so intimate, and people were just walking past to get books. I can't understand why the librarians didn't tell them to quit it. Inevitably, Dawn almost bumps into them. She bursts out with a "Sorry!" so awkward that Tim is left looking after him, probably still pining for her. Tim, make up your mind and stick with it. Rachel pulls Tim by the tie. David must be rubbing off on her.

Employees working. Trudy has survived her experience with Finchy and is browsing through some papers. Jamie tells someone on the phone, "No problem. No problem. In... half an hour?"

The first Brent scene of the episode mirrors the first episode where David's mugging for the camera by Dawn's desk. He walks into work - again, definitely not the first one to get there - and says, "Another day another dollar." He seems to think this is very witty. He's wearing the brown cheap jacket. And in his left ear? An earring. It looks so preposterously awful on him that it's hard to take him seriously at all, if you ever did. "Any MAIL?" he asks in a 'funny' voice as he leans on to Dawn's desk. He moves his head to the right so Dawn is sure to see the earring. As she hands him his mail, Dawn is so shocked that she can't help but say, "That's... an earring?" Hee! It sounds really unrehearsed and spontaneous, something she wasn't meaning to say out loud but did anyway. Great work from Lucy Davis, as always. "Whatever, get over it," says David as if it's no biggie. Yeah, you totally weren't showing it off or anything. He also grins at the camera like, "Can't a guy have an earring without everyone making a big fuss about it?" Dawn asks him how long he's had it. "Too long, baby," David says in a 'cool' way. Dawn observes that it's bleeding. David decides to drop the act and admits it "really stings". "Was it an old one?" Dawn asks. "But they heal over!" Yeah, maybe David didn't know that. "I had to push really hard, so I opened a sore..." he says. It does look bloody. David sticks his fingers into it. Eww! Don't you know never to touch a wound like that? You'll get infected! Well, he probably doesn't know. He probably made that hole himself with a rusty pin, without boiling it, because it's rock'n'roll to get infections! I think the effect is a little younger than he was hoping for. Bad ear piercings are more common in the 11-13 age group than the early 20's. David looks at the blood in his fingers, then remembers the camera and gives it an embarrassed look. Didn't quite work, did it?

In a fit of unusual attentiveness - or perhaps to make everyone forget his ear troubles - David asks, "What are you looking at?" and looks in the same direction as Dawn. Where Tim and Rachel are, not snogging, but flirting by the photocopier. "I'm not looking at anything," says Dawn. You know, we get it, thank you. Tim and Rachel together, Dawn jealous. Moving on... David starts telling Dawn about Ray and Jude. "I know," says Dawn, because you know, she met them first. "We know they do sort of training seminars," says David. We know? If she knows, why are you telling her? "Yeah, they use expert speakers, don't they," he says. "Yeah," says Dawn, looking kinda bored. "They're using me. My..." "Expertise..?" suggests Dawn. She seems a bit reluctant to ask about it, like she's hoping David will go sooner if she doesn't encourage him. "Yeah," says David, happy that Dawn thinks he's an expert. "Well, the good news for you, young lady, is: you're involved." Ugh. Anyone who says young lady to me get their asses kicked. I know I'm a young lady, you don't have to call me that; using that phrase is annoying and condescending. Also note that he's already decided she will be there, without asking her, and this isn't a job thing directly related to Wernham Hogg. He's basically using her as his personal PA.

Dawn is surprised to hear she will be involved, and David explains he's going tonight, and brags about the money again. "I need someone to just carry my bag and.. organize..." Well, as we can see later on, I really don't think he does.
In fact, I think he's only asking Dawn because
a) he wants someone from the office to see him in action and spread the word;
b) he wants to show off his status by bringing an underling to assist him;
c) he secretly has feelings for Dawn and wants to impress her.
d) all of the above is also possible.
I don't think he's really given this much thought, and I don't think he realizes how annoying it is for Dawn to be notified on the same day that she's going to do this with him. I think I would have flat out refused, just thought of a quick excuse to get out of it. I've developed a knack for it. I think most gallup poll interviewers do, when the boss comes around to ask about this Saturday and Sunday. Dawn, of course, is working 9 to 5 and doesn't need this skill, so her hedging is ineffective. She starts with, "Oh, I don't know..." and David immediately - and desperately, I might add - jumps in: "100 quid for an hour's work." Dawn is immediately more interested: "Hundred for an hour? That is a lot." David regrets the offer and backpedals: "Eighty." Hee, you can't just change it! Start low, move higher. If you started with 100, you can only go up. "You just said a hundred," says Dawn. "Ninety," David offers. "You just said a hundred," says Dawn. Good for you, Dawn.

"Alright!" says David, a bit annoyed. "Get there early then tonight, cos that's..." Well, she doesn't even know where he's going to do it, does she? "Sharing the wealth, see?" says David to the camera in his ongoing attempt to show what a philantrophist he is. "Looking after... That IS silly money, a hundred for that. I should have..." Oh David. You say that inside, not out loud. It's not like Dawn's going to offer to give some of it back. This reminds me of the scene in Extras where Andy is forced to give the homeless guy who recognizes him 20 pounds, because he doesn't have change. And he ends up grumbling and the homeless guy gives it back. Priceless. Maybe Gervais has some personal experience in this kind of thing. David is left staring at Dawn a bit angrily. Dawn looks at her hands. I think that between this, the seminar, and "Froze your tears and made a dagger / and stabbed it in my cock forever", Dawn has well deserved her hundred pounds.

David's office. "Very exciting," he says to the camera. "It's what I've... you know, I've always wanted to do, it's that working..." Yes..? I'm not really sure how he would have continued with that. I don't think he does either, because he trails off and shows business cards he made for the occasion. And I realize it wasn't always going to be just a one time thing, but still. Business cards? You make those for your job, not for a little seminar. It's not like he's hosting it or anything. The card says: "David Brent - assertiveness and guidance training in business. If it's in you, I'll find it." Nice little Brentism without being way too silly - what is it, and is it a motivational speaker's job to find it? "That's actually what I do. I go along and I point out what you've already got, I'm like a spiritual guide!" Yes, really. I always think of him as a spiritual guide to his employees. In a time of dire need, he's always there with a joke or imitation. It really lifts their spirits. And a spiritual guide is really there to just "point out what you've already got", not give you guidance in spiritual matters or something. "The reason I've put if it's in you is because... if I waste good time and money looking for it and I can see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued cos you haven't got it. So you know... You're not gonna... get me on that." I love this. First of all, he still hasn't specified what it is and how he intends to find it (and have people pay for it, apparently). Secondly, the whole point of motivation is to make people find strengths they didn't realize they had - if you suspect they might not have it before you even tried to motivate them, it's not a good start. Thirdly, I love how he's already getting ready for potential lawsuits before he's even had one 15-minute speech. And finally, that earring really strips him off any credibility he had. The talking heads in this episode seem all the more ridiculous because of it. He just looks so stupid, and yet his expression says he thinks he sounds very wise. That's actually true of the motivational speech too, so it's fitting.

Tim and Rachel, obviously unable to work, are having a sneaky snog in a corner. Gareth walks by, first without stopping, but then comes back as if he just now realized what's going on. He comes to them like a police officer: "What's going on here?" Yeah, they really have to answer to you, Gareth. "What's it look like?" asks Tim with an expression that says he knew this was coming and prepared for it in advance. "How long has this been going on?" says Gareth, seeming totally dumbfounded. Oh, Gareth. Didn't you notice how they flirted at the party? I know you did, because you were preying on them from the bushes. Did you really think your impressive Top Trumps skills would turn Rachel away from Tim and to you? "When were you gonna tell me?" he continues. Well, he's got a point there. He likes Rachel, so if she starts dating someone, he really should know. He saw her first! He basically owns her now. Rachel seems suitably pissed off. She doesn't look at Gareth. "I can't believe that you get off with a bird that I fancy," says Gareth to Tim. Being more cosmopolitan than his father, he knows to use the PC word for women, which apparently is 'bird'. Good to know. It's interesting that he's more mad at Tim than he is at Rachel - apparently he thinks women are so weak that they will be with anyone who shows them any interest.

"Why can't you believe that, Gareth?" asks Tim. "Well, I can't believe there's a bird that fancies you over me for a start," says Gareth with a hurt voice. I can't believe I feel for him a bit, even if he's being a total macho bullshit sexist and offending both Rachel and Tim. Rachel actually manages to look a bit amused at all this. "He's a weird little bloke! Look at him, his cartoon face and his hair, he looks like a Fisher-Price man!" Gareth says to Rachel. It's kind of amusing to hear Gareth complain about someone else's hair. His is way too short at the top - the shorter layer rises so high in the back it's almost nonexistent, and in the front it's drooping over his face. It looks like a wig, and probably is, because judging by the documentaries, Mckenzie Crook doesn't wear his hair like that. "His rubbish clothes," continues Gareth, and Tim looks down at his clothes, offended. They all have basically the same clothes. Is there a difference between a white shirt and a white shirt? If there is, I don't want to know. "Makes me think there's something wrong with you, for a start," Gareth continues. "But yeah, in my head I'd still do you, so I'm confused." The fact that he'd even tell her this is... Hee. So he'd still do her even if there's something wrong with her? Maybe she doesn't want to do you, Gareth. Ever thought of that? Tim looks at Gareth with anger and disbelief.

Gareth asks Rachel: "Is there anything that could happen between us while this is still going on?" If she were that easy, would she admit it in Tim's presence? Is he used to girls who will do two guys at once, both of them knowing? On second thought, I don't want to know. Gareth's sex life, like David's, is something I'd rather not think about. "Like what?" asks Rachel. "What, specifically?" says Gareth. "Yeah," says Rachel. "A handjob?" Gareth offers in a sad little voice. Tim and Rachel look suitably grossed out. "Don't answer it, think about it," Gareth says and leaves with another disappointed sigh at them. Tim asks if he really looks like the Fisher-Price man. Rachel says yes and melts into a laughter. "Do I? Don't say yeah!" laughs Tim. I can imagine those two talk about Gareth at home and laugh at him. A lot. I feel sorry for Gareth, again. He doesn't realize how awful he's being. It doesn't excuse his behaviour, but Tim and Rachel will always have their brain, their knowledge of proper decorum. They'll be respected. Gareth will just be a lonely, sad little wanker, literally.

An arrogant-looking guy is working at Tim's computer. Dawn informs Tim that his "favorite computer geek is here". "Jesus," says Tim. This right after Gareth's treatment? Not his best day. Tim goes to the guy and we find out his name is Simon. Tim asks him how he's doing, but since he doesn't get a reply, he asks instead what Simon is doing at his computer. "It's not your computer, is it? It's Wernham Hogg's," says Simon rudely without even lifting his eyes to meet Tim. Tim way too politely asks him what he's doing at Wernham Hogg's computer, then. "You don't need to know," says Simon. Wow. This almost reminds me of my clients. "No, I don't need to know, but could you tell me anyway?" asks Tim. I admire his self discipline. I think I would have angrily sulked away from Simon. Of course, I work in a field where I can just hang up on the really difficult people, so maybe my "sucking up to morons" skills aren't the best.

Simon's installing a firewall, and Tim asks what that is. He doesn't know? I realize this is an old show in computer time, but still, a young guy like Tim should know what a firewall is. Simon rattles off a long list of what it protects his computer from - hey, he called it "your computer", way to undo your own rude sarcasm there - and asks, "any more questions?" as if it's completely stupid to even ask that. And I know I just said Tim should know, but if someone asks you a question, that's about the rudest way to answer it. I'll give him half a point for answering the question anyway, but he did sound like he was reciting something he memorized somewhere and not like he was genuinely trying to make Tim understand the issue. Tim asks how long it will take him. "Why, do you want to do it yourself?" asks Simon. "No, I can't do it myself. How long will it take you, out of interest?" says Tim. "It will take as long as it takes," says Simon. Oh god. People with this attitude really annoy me. It can be about anything - being the only woman at the car repair shop will give you this experience; applying for a loan at the bank might do it too. Sometimes people just get this attitude like, "I know everything and you know nothing, so shut up and let me do my work." They act like you're in their way, even if they're supposed to be serving you. It's really annoying, but what are you going to do? You either take it or take your service elsewhere, where you will probably get the exact same type of service.

Tim rubs his eyes in frustration, but still tries to get a straight answer from Simon, starting with, "How long did it take last time..." "It's done," says Simon. "Now I'm gonna switch it off. When it comes back on, it's gonna ask you to hit yes, no or cancel. Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no." He actually makes Tim repeat it. And after all that, Tim still thanks him. Some computer nerds have this attitude, and I wonder why. Because almost everyone has a computer nowadays, but few people know much about how it works? Does that give them a feeling of infinite superiority? And it's not all nerds - in fact, I think it's only male nerds with a certain illusion of superiority. I can imagine Simon online posting insults at all the n0085 bc they're so damn 5t00p1d. If he even lowers himself to have conversations with anyone other than equally superior nerd guys. Some fans were asking Gervais and Merchant why they didn't write more scenes with Simon, but I actually think this one and the one with Gareth are all that's needed. I've already written three paragraphs about this short scene because people like this really piss me off. Simon, like Finchy, is an unlikeable character, and they've wisely kept his appearances short. It works well in small doses.

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 5: "Form an Orderly Queue"

Rachel shuffles cards and says they're going to play "Top Trumps with popstars". It sounds vaguely familiar to me, but I haven't played this type of game since I was a kid. "Do you know how to play?" asks Rachel. "Yeah, I know how to play, but popstars..." starts Tim, but they cut him off for a Timterview, where Tim says, "No, I don't talk about my love life for a good reason, and that reason is... I don't have one." Yes, you do. Two girls are interested in you and you're interested in both of them. I wouldn't call that lack of a love life, that's more like Big Love. Tim says it's "good news for the ladies", because he's still out there. "I'm a heck of a catch," he says and starts a self-deprecating list about his life: "I live in Slough... in a lovely house... wwith my parentss.." He says it with comic pauses, which in my opinion reveal him to be a professional actor, even if it still sounds natural. He laughs a bit and says he has the same room he's had since he was born. "That's seen a lot of action, I'll tell you. Mainly dusting." I like Tim's humor. It seems natural and creative, the complete opposite of David's jokes. "I went to university, as well, for a year before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter," he continues. "So yeah, form an orderly queue, ladies." Throughout this little speech, his eyes have been veering here and there, perhaps because he's embarrassed or seriously thinks his life is pathetic. I think Tim's doing alright. Lots of people who are 30 haven't really had a "career" yet and don't really know what to do with their lives. It feels agonizing, but it's not that much better for anyone else. You know, except for that "living with parents" thing.

Rachel and Tim are playing cards. Tim shows the picture of his card, "I've been on a safari and I've never seen anything like this before." Rachel laughs way too much, because she's drunk. She keeps sipping from her can of beer. Dawn and Gareth are following them with their eyes. It almost seems like they're preying on Tim and Rachel, especially with the bushy office plants and the staring (in Gareth's case). Gareth probably is preying on them, actually. Tim asks Rachel if she's "getting molocky". Molocky?! Or something similar. I think he means drunk. Rachel denies it, but when she asks to continue with the game, she spends her time flipping the cards at Tim's face flirtatiously instead. I know it only takes a few minutes on screen, but I spent considerably more time writing this, and this is one part of the show that I hate to recap, because I feel like I really don't have much to say about it. I'm not a Dawn and Tim shipper, but they could have at least added something to the triangle drama. Well, Gareth does help to make it more amusing. So it's more like a square drama really.

Elsewhere, David is telling Jamie, "If they wanna pay me that for fifteen minutes' work, that is their prerogative, so..." He's looking drunk, Jamie's looking bored. David's self-praise is interrupted by his cell phone, which gives a boring ring ring tone. It's Finchy, so David puts on his "aren't we outrageous" act: "Finchyy! -Go on. What's the difference between a fox and a dog?" He laughs loudly and repeats: "About eight pints of lager!" Wow. Lame, predictable and sexist. If Finchy were smarter and more creative, I'd hate him more, but as it is, he's just kind of sad. I still despise him though, you can't take that away from me. David tells Finchy there's a party going on and asks if he's coming. We see Finchy coming up behind him. "Why not?" David says, disappointed. Finchy jumps up from behind him and yells that he's already here, calling David a fat [something in a thick Finchy accent]. David's excited to see Finchy, as always, and introduces him to Neil as his "very good friend Chris Finch." Much to David's dismay, Neil and Finchy already know each other and are on friendly terms. They fist-pump as Neil tells David that Finchy steals his jokes all the time. Ugh, he actually wants to take credit for those jokes? I suddenly like Neil less. Finchy asks if Lisa is here. He makes a "boobs" gesture when he says that. I didn't know that's sign language for "Lisa". Neil says she wanted to find another job. "If it's a blow job, she can come to me!" says Finchy. David laughs drunkenly and stupidly like it's the most clever joke he ever heard - but then he always does with Finchy. Neil laughs, too, sadly. He also makes some dumb sexist jokes about it. I don't get them and I don't feel like listening really hard, because it annoys me to see the guys making sex jokes about the women in the office. It seems oddly inappropriate for Neil. David alternates between laughing at Finchy's jokes and saying "That's rubbish" at Neil's. "I've got a vacancy she could fill," says Finchy, and David says, "That's better. His work! Don't try to..." Yeah, Finchy's the comic genius, along with David, so don't you try and steal that too, Neil! You've already got David's boss job, his best friend, his popularity, and you almost wormed your way into his motivational speech thing too! Shame on you, Neil! So selfish!

Trudy drinking some more. She can take quite a bit of alcohol. Oliver tells her she's terrible, but he sounds admiring more than anything. "Once a year," Trudy says. "Cheers, cheers, cheers to me again," and she drinks some more. They really celebrate her birthday every year? I'm not sure if she means that she likes to do this once a year, but from what Oliver said earlier about the cake, it seemed like they really have an office party every year for Trudy. It seems odd because they don't usually celebrate the other members' birthdays. Well, they did something with Tim's, but it didn't seem as festive somehow. David didn't even ask Dawn to get him a card.
Employees mingling. Gareth drinking from a bottle, apparently alone. Aww. He looks so pathetic. And he's still staring at Rachel. Even his drinking looks pathetic, because he keeps his face still and only moves the bottle. His big eyes never stray from Rachel. Maybe that's his technique for surviving in the jungle: keep your eyes on the goal and don't let it catch you by surprise. I realize how much I miss the Gareth interviews. It seems like they cut a lot of the talking heads this season to make room for Tim and Rachel, and it annoys me, most notably in this episode.

What I do like, however, is when Gareth musters his courage and goes up to Rachel, who's sorting out the Top Trump cards by herself. "You like Top Trumps, you should come to me," he says. "Got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me on Monster Trucks though, cos you won't. My speciality." Yeah, cos girls love monster trucks. He's bragging to impress her, and really that's the worst way to impress a woman. Ask about HER, compliment HER. Instead, Gareth tells her why she can never beat him at Top Trumps: "I used to play it, like just by myself, with a dummy hand, just testing out every different scenario, which cards pick which other cards, for hours, sometimes three or four hours at a time. Put in the work, the rewards are obvious." Wow, so he has no life, and he's also really obsessed with winning at Top Trumps. He suddenly looks so attractive to me. Rachel just stares at him with her mouth open. Gareth, who might or might not confuse this with open admiration, continues: "So I know exactly which cards you've got on your hand from what cards I got. And I would know probability wise exactly what features to pick on my card to defeat statistically any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win!" he says with a victorious smile and points at her. Now I don't even know if he's trying to charm her or just showing off who has the biggest cards around the office. "Could still be fun though," he adds as an afterthought. Yes, statistical probabilities and playing with obsessed guys is always fun! Is it really even possible to learn the game like that? A very Gareth moment, there. He needs these things to feel like he's the biggest and best of them all, because he feels really insecure about himself. It's kind of endearing. But I still wouldn't want him as my boyfriend. Rachel nods, still staring at him, probably trying to figure out if he was serious about all that.

David is talking to Keith, who is probably an ideal person to talk to in a time of self-praise, because Keith never really offers any input of his own. Keith is a lot taller than David. He's staring ahead chewing gum again, not really facing David, who asks him if he knows how much they're going to pay him. "No," says Keith emotionlessly. Note that it doesn't sound rude like David's "No!" earlier did. Keith can't offend, because he brings no emotion into it. He's just endearing. "15 minutes work, right? 300 quid." "1200 quid for an hour," Keith says. "You do the math," says David. "Yeah, it'd be... be 1200 quid an hour," Keith repeats. Aww. Trudy shows up asking for birthday kisses. "No tongues," says Finchy and kisses her very carefully. Then he turns to another guy and says something in a low voice, probably about Trudy. Trudy doesn't kiss David, and David's left to babble as if he thinks it's OK: "Didn't ask me... Knew I'd say no.. Didn't cross a boundary... Good girl!" How patronizingly obvious, dear Watson. You're offended and you're pretending to be a prude. Not that Keith knows the difference anyway.

Trudy's drinking some more, sitting in Oliver's lap. Finchy comes in and says, "That's a good idea! I always do them from behind if I don't like their face." Chris? Fuck off. "You bastard!" says Trudy. "You like my face, don't you love?" she asks Oliver. Oliver says, "I love your face, I think you're beautiful." She's not really, but I don't want to be like Finchy. She looks OK. Trudy turns her face away from Oliver and says, "You can still do me from behind." Oliver laughs, but I'm getting a bit tired of the dirty jokes and drunkenness. Trudy really annoys me. Gareth, who's been standing behind them the whole time, says to her, "I'd do you from behind if you want, just a quick in and out, no strings attached." He really knows how to turn even dirty jokes into awkward harrassment moments. Trudy tells him, "That's really sweet! Why don't you put that in an email for me?" I suspect she just wants to send that email to everyone in the office, but I wouldn't be too surprised if she did it with Gareth. Gareth walks away with this shy little boy look on his face, like he offered to have sex but isn't sure if she really wants it yet.

Neil and Finchy talking and laughing. Trudy kissing a guy on the face: "One kiss, two kiss, three kiss, four..." He looks like he's had about enough, even if he doesn't look mad. Ugh, she's so pushy! Some people don't enjoy being kissed by coworkers. It seems rude to just throw yourself on people like that, even as a joke. David looks at Trudy kissing the other guy and gets jealous, not because he cares about Trudy, but because he wants to be kissed too if there's any kissing going on. He sits next to her, "The birthday girl... Hi." He starts talking about how she's kissing and flirting with everyone, "I know you wouldn't take it any further..." It's not really your business, David. It's almost like with Donna. Too bad Trudy doesn't live under his roof! "Oh, I would!" jokes (?) Trudy. "Well, why not... we're all equal," stammers David. If you have to say it, you don't mean it. "Well, I'm just having a laugh," says Trudy. David says he just doesn't know what Trudy wants. He says it in a low voice, but Trudy belts out loudly, "A man! Hung like a shirehorse!" She laughs in a coarse way. It's annoying. David seems disturbed that a woman can talk like this. "Big... big magnificent animals... You say what you mean, don't you?" he says and laughs a bit, to show he approves of it. "I'm just not sure you're going to find what you're after here." How does he know how the guys in the office are hung? "See, I'd ask you but you're a bit old, really," says Trudy. "30's, gimme a break," says David. "Born in the 30's, more like," says Trudy and laughs again. David plays with his tie and says he's 30's, two more times. "Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit," says Trudy looking at his gut and makes a kind of cup with her hand. "I've let myself go? Look at yourself! You're an embarrassment, love, to be honest!" says David, still playing with his tie. He gets up and leaves Trudy to contemplate the fact that two guys told her she's ugly on her birthday. She looks a bit taken aback.

Tim and Rachel are talking to Jamie and some other guy. Tim asks if Jamie said "bullrags", but he actually said "raw eggs", and continues about how it gives you diarrhea but it lets you practice or something. Gross. The camera zooms on Tim's hand, which goes behind Rachel, and Rachel putting her hand in his. It's a tender gesture and doesn't take too long, so it's OK. I didn't really need to think of eating raw eggs, though.

Gareth has wandered awkwardly to where David and Finchy are standing. "So... how's the old car business?" asks David with a grin in his voice, but Gareth just shrugs shyly. He's terrible at parties. Neil asks who's singing the song that's playing. Finchy says it's the Corrs. "I like the Corrs, they've written some good tunes," says Neil. "Didn't write that one though," says David, happy to know more than Neil, as if it matters. Neil asks who wrote it. "Don't you know? Not really into pop music, I suppose." "I prefer R&B really," says Neil. "So who wrote..." "Fleetwood Mac!" says David, cutting him off rudely. His voice sounds like "fine, if you keep interrogating me". "I prefer their version as well," continues David, smugly adjusting his tie like he's the winner of this conversation. Because every conversation with Neil is a verbal pissing contest. But the real contest starts when Neil remarks on the sex aspect of the issue, "I know who I'd rather wake up with." "Sexist, Neil," says David, the sexism guard in the office. Finchy tells a tired joke about the Corrs playing his "instrument". David tells him he couldn't "get one of the Corrs with that attitude." It's interesting that he even tells Finchy that now. Maybe he's just annoyed with Finchy being so chummy with Neil. "Yeah, cos you'd know," says Finchy. Neil laughs. "I don't know what you're laughing at, cos I'm a dark horse," says David. Well, certainly. Finchy isn't convinced, but David insists: "Just because I don't kiss and tell, doesn't mean I don't get..." "You don't normally kiss so you've got nothing to tell!" laughs Finchy meanly. Great friend there, once again. "He'd end up with the brother," says Neil and he and Finchy laugh heartily at David. I hate Neil when he's like this. He totally stoops to Finchy's level. I can see why he'd want to laugh at David though, after all his inanities.

David wants to prove he's the man and starts talking loudly: "I'd push the brother out of the room, I'd get the other three and I'd bend them all over, and I'd do the drummer, the lead singer, and the one who plays violin!" He does a pelvis thrust with each member, and Gareth kind of runs away from that and hides behind Finchy. Suddenly it gets quiet, apart from the music, and everyone's staring at David. It's almost one of those sitcom moments where the whole restaurant is suddenly looking at you. Maybe this could happen, but it seems a bit fabricated, especially when the music stops too. Tim gives an awesome look at the camera. It could be "huh?" but it's more like "are you filming this? Please don't use this." Or it could be shock at David's behaviour. Actually, it's a very versatile look. Nice touch. David points at Neil drunkenly and says, "Oh, see, it's your fault... putting filth in people's minds..." He keeps pointing at him a bit too long, which shows he's drunk. They stand awkwardly for a moment, then sip their drinks as David looks at Neil accusingly.

Credits. This episode's epilogue after the credits has Finchy doing Trudy from behind. They're outdoors, you can hear a car and see a car's headlights quickly showing them, just enough for us to see what's going on, but not enough to make it gross. Even the mental image is gross enough though. "My knees hurt," says Trudy. "Nearly done," says Finchy in a hoarse voice. Ewww.

And now I'm gonna rant about this episode, so you can dismiss this part if you're not interested.
If I had to pick one episode that didn't stand out like the rest of the show, I'd pick this one. The birthday party just goes on a bit too long and it doesn't really add anything to the plot. We've seen Rachel and Tim flirt. We get it. And David hates Neil - we get that too, although it is funny. But it's much funnier to see that in the work situation. It's unnecessary to demote Neil into a slobbering horndog snorting at Finchy's jokes. Apart from Jude and Ray, this episode almost seems like the same scene over and over. It's disappointing, even if I realize even the greatest shows will have some filler. But I know they had these great deleted scenes about Gareth having two girlfriends, and Rachel and Dawn pretending to be lesbians to annoy him. They picked that out and used the awkward love triangle thing instead, and this is the only place where I think their writing failed a bit, because I don't think they were able to make the love triangle interesting at all. It's just a boring clichéd love triangle. I know they've said it brings warmth to the show and whatever, but it really doesn't. The warmth, to me, comes from the fact that the pathetic characters are still pitiable, not hateful. I suspect Gervais and Merchant lost faith in their own idea of having no plot and decided they needed one. They were worried that people would criticize the show for going nowhere and just showing David make a fool of himself over and over. They heard the shippers and responded to their pleas. And I know I already said most of this before, but this really bugs. The last three episodes of the season, however, are stellar, mostly because they focus mainly on David Brent.

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 4: "Gareth Dares"

The number bods are still working. Oliver has some graph on his screen that looks particularly boring. Sheila is biting her pen, a realistic thing to do while focusing on something. David is still in a meeting with Ray and Jude. I hope they realize now what a dynamic and fun boss he is, after the whole dildo ordeal. Tim is telling Rachel to "smuggle this about your person". This in question seems to be a screwdriver or something. Tim says, "I'm not saying anything about where you've got to put it." They're clearly flirting about it. Rachel is biting on a pen and looking amused. But suddenly Gareth jumps in and says, "If you wanna see bravery, come to me." Tim laughs at the word bravery, as do I. Seriously, it's not about bravery, it's about having a laugh together with the person you have a crush on, which doesn't include Gareth. He really doesn't know when he's not wanted.

Rachel plays along and suggests that she'll call David and Gareth has to say what she writes. "No way, you'll make me sound like a bender!" Gareth resists, but Rachel swears she won't. Just don't do it, Gareth, it's not designed to impress her. What she's doing is pretty mean, and in a way more so than what Dawn and Tim have done in the past, but in one way I feel like Gareth deserves it because he's just so dumb, and he's really given her a hard time. Rachel dials and David picks up. He tells Gareth he's having a meeting, but Gareth replies, "Just going to say a few things." Yeah, really believable there. He even pauses while Rachel is writing. The first thing is positive: "You're doing a great job." The speaker phone is on, so we can hear how David tells Ray and Jude, "Just an employee telling me what a superb job I'm doing." Well, he didn't say superb, now did he? Gareth says he has another thing, "I like your little beard." You know what, you didn't have to read that out loud, Gareth. You could have just said, "OK, that's all David" and hung up. But he reads it, and awkward silence falls, and David says, "...OK. Is that it?" Gareth says there's one more thing: "You should wear tighter trousers." And one more question: do I creep you out? I think David's pants are tight enough as it is. Rachel looks at Tim with a grin, and Tim looks back smiling - not entirely genuinely, I think. It's like, "Eh, this is kinda lame, but if I want us to be a couple, I have to play along." "Look, can I call you back?" says David, sounding annoyed and, indeed, creeped out. "Yes, thanks bye," says Gareth and hangs up. Rachel bursts into laughter. Gareth, who still stupidly believes he could make an impression on her with that, feebly laughs along. "That was genius," says Tim and laughs hysterically, but I still don't think he's being genuine. Especially because he repeats it twice as if to make it true: "Genius, genius." Well, it wasn't really that innovative, Tim. "Thank you," says Gareth as if he made it all up. Rachel and Tim laugh a lot, but when Gareth puts his arm on Rachel's shoulder and says, "Brilliant," their laughter kinda dies. You see, Tim, much more fun to wind up Gareth with Dawn, whom he's not trying to impress. And speak of the Dawn, she's looking at Rachel and Tim sadly, looking like she's left out. Aww, poor Dawn.

David's office. Jude tells him they have a website with a profile of each of the speakers. It's a kind of FAQ with pretty clichéd questions, the first one being, "If you could have a working lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" David answers in a clichéd way: "Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama." Yeah, they'd have loads to talk about. The camera shows Ray's face as he makes a "fair enough" face - probably heard that answer or variations of it several times. "And Rory Bremner," adds David and Ray makes a brilliant little "Huh?" frown. David explains that "they could get a little heavy" so Rory could "lighten things up - probably do impressions of them. And me," he adds with an amused little eye-roll, as if he's saying, "Oh that Rory. Always doing impressions." I think David realizes he wouldn't seriously want to meet the Dalai Lama or Martin Luther King. Next question: "What's your biggest disappointment?" "Alton Towers," replies David instantly. "Oh," says Jude a bit baffled, and adds to explain her reaction: "I've never been." "It's rubbish. Next!" says David, oblivious that this is not a good answer to a question of his lifetime disappointments. Or maybe he really doesn't want to get into it, because it might include something like "failed to be a successful pop star" or "didn't get Neil's job". Alton Towers is a safe answer, in the same way Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama is a safe answer. It doesn't require any thinking or anything personal, even if David's personality shows all too well in it.

Dawn wanders into the general area of Tim's desk and asks if he's doing practical jokes today. Tim tries to brush her off by saying he's working, but when Dawn says she has "some good ones", he asks to hear them. "Uhh.. what was it... eh..." Dawn pretends to be thinking. "We could think of some," she says. I think she just wants Tim to think of some. And coming to think of it, maybe Tim likes that more than Rachel playing a prank on Gareth basically without his involvement. "Yeah, let's think of some good ones," says Tim. "For who?" says Dawn. "For..hmm.. what about Gareth? It's about time he had some tricks played on him," says Tim. Dawn laughs flirtatiously while playing with her earring.

Jude has one more question for David: "What would your motto be?" David needs a little meaningless jargon to get going. "Well, I've noticed that some bosses are too intimidated of training their staff up too well. They don't... I don't mind it. I actually like my staff to be better than me." Hee, he actually admits that? Of course he likes that - then he has to do less work. "That way, you know, keeps me on my toes." Isn't it more like the opposite? "So.. my motto would be... 'Be careful... cos there's always someone... ready to.. step into your shoes and do your job better... than... you... do itt..." Written out, it seems valid if jargony: "Be careful cos there's always someone ready to step into your shoes and do your job better than you do it." But when he draws it out like that, it just sounds like he's testing the words: can... I still.. add .. something.. and .. make it .. make sense... And as far as mottos go, this one's definitely not something he lives by. I think he's confusing "motto" with "inventing a management jargon 'wisdom' off the bat". A reaction shot from Ray shows us that he's trying hard to think about what this motto really even means.

Tim is putting glue on Gareth's phone. He does a silly voice: "Heh heh. I'm glueing a phone... in the name of fun." "He will hate you," Dawn says happily. It's kind of cute that they bond over picking on Gareth. It's somehow lame and childish, too, though. But in such a boring workplace, what else can they do?

The photocopier spews out copies of paper, and next to it sits a box that says "Toner" and "sharp". Is there some meaning to that? I'll let you be the judge of that, because I can't think of anything, so moving on.

There's a birthday cake on Dawn's desk and pieces are being dealt out among the employees. Two candles are sizzling on the cake - the kind of candles that send those little sparks all over the place. I think it looks disturbing (are the sparks edible?), but I guess it's just festive in this kitschy office environment. David comes from his office with Ray and Jude, and as they see the party, he gets a bit annoyed. He jokes to Neal about how much the cake might cost, "Are we paying you too much?" We? David, he's your boss, not the other way around. Neil says he baked it himself. "He does it every year," says Oliver. Emma is impressed. Wait, every year as in on Trudy's birthday? Or every year as in..? I just don't see why Trudy's birthday is such a huge deal. Emma compliments the flavor. David makes a face like it's gross and says it's "a bit sweet innit... too rich." "It's really good," says Emma. Oliver says the lemon cake is Neil's best. David isn't satisfied because Neil gets positive comments, so he says loudly, "I prefer a flan" and looks around him like this somehow settles it. Ray and Jude look like they don't know how to react to this lame display of jealousy. Nor does everyone else, for that matter. Awkward silence falls.

Trudy pops a bottle of champagne or something and - seriously? Why are they celebrating this in the office at office hours? Is it customary in the UK to drink at work? It seems so weird. At Dawn's counter, Tim and Rachel are talking, apparently about Trudy. "She's OK, but she's a bit of a prude," says Rachel. Tim doesn't believe it at first. "She's a bit of a prude at heart," Rachel says. It's hard to believe after the "leather basque" and dildo. But maybe that's really just to cover up... actually, judging by the epilogue of this episode, I really don't believe she's a prude. Maybe it's just that Rachel is even dirtier.

The two Swinnies who are often seen talking to each other are having a conversation again, when David walks in. We first see him spotting the guys from behind a plant, and then he walks in with a trademark "Ahhhh." He finds a forced connection between his training thing and their talk: "You two having a meeting? Nah, it' s just that... I was having an.... interesting meeting with those two people over there." He points at Ray and Jude who have gotten glasses in their hands and are talking. "They're business people, and.. quite important, actually... and they have a business..." They're consultants. It's not like they're CEOs at big companies or something. I don't know much about the pecking order in the business world, but it sounds to me like David is exaggerating their status. David says they arrange "management training seminars". Wasn't it more like seminars for regular employees? He says they get expert speakers like John Harvey-Jones. Actually, I was under the impression that they ask people who are not all that well known, but are good at speaking to an audience. According to Wikipedia, "Harvey-Jones' astringent belief is that "people want to work for an identifiable person and the values of that person are very very important"." Well, David is at least identifiable.

He tells the guys he's been asked to speak and he's perfect for it, because "not only do I know about that sort of stuff, I have a sort of natural authority to people, but I'm an all-around entertainer, so..." He gestures "seeing" and puts his hands together saying, "Those qualities..." with the good old smug lip-biting expression. "Keep it under your hat," he adds, as if the guys even care. Then he walks to the next group saying, "Heyy! See those two... business people over there?" The thing about David as a communicator is that he really doesn't want to listen to anyone else, so the conversation is pretty much over as soon as he has delivered his latest speech of self-praise. Easy on the listeners, in a way.

Dawn and Tim get to Tim's desk to play the prank on Gareth. Tim calls Gareth's phone and he comes in. Dawn and Tim suddenly pretend to be having a private conversation. He tries to pick up the phone, but ends up literally picking it up. Because it's glued. It's not a particularly clever trick, but as usual, the fun comes from Gareth's reaction. He bitterly remarks that he could have taken his eye out. Well, I don't think it's that dangerous. The phone keeps ringing, and Gareth is too dumb to realize it's Tim. He pulls the receiver out and answers the phone. "Cock!" shouts Tim and laughs in a juvenile, perhaps slightly drunken way. Dawn is having fun, until Rachel walks in and Tim starts to laugh with him, using the prank as his mating plumage. Rachel seems impressed and Dawn feels left out again. Not my favorite plot, but the Gareth pranks are amusing anyway.

Ray and Jude are talking to Neil, obviously trying to get him to take a speaking gig too. They tell him it doesn't take a lot of time, but he says he's very busy. Obviously he's not very interested. David jumps in and asks what they're doing. "We're trying to engage this chap in motivation," says Ray in a relaxed tone, because he doesn't yet know how insecure David is. "You've already asked me! A bit rude," says David, unable to hide his disappointment. "We'd use both of you for different things," says Ray. "I can do both," says David. He doesn't even know what things they'd use them for. "I can't do it anyway," says Neil. "He can't do it anyway," says David happily. Ray asks Neil for his card. "No point!" says David. He's so childish. "We might be able to persuade you," Jude tells Neil. David says Neil already said no, and he'd be weak to change his mind. There's an awkward silence. Neil, Ray, and Jude all look like, "Who let this guy out of kindergarten?" Ray says they'll be going. "Yeah, leave it as it was... as agreed, yeah?" says David, as if he's the one who decides about this. So rude.

When Ray and Jude leave, it gets even ruder as David asks Neil if he's doing it or not, "cos it seemed like you were trying to worm your way in." Hey, they asked him. Neil's not trying to steal your thunder. I don't know what offends David more, the fact that they'll ask other people within the same office, which makes him less important, or that they asked Neil of all people. Probably the latter. Neil says he's "not interested", and David of course takes offense: "A bit beneath you?" Neil is surprised he takes it that way and says it's not that, "it's just that I don't think you can teach people that sort of thing. Either you have it or you don't." I would agree. I think "motivation seminars" reaks of "meaningless yet expensive jargon services". David believes in the power of motivation teaching, "depends who the guru is", and he points at himself. Guru?! At what? Oh, let me guess... entertainment? Neil says, "Beware of false prophets," quite bitingly for him. "That's my point," says David. "It's not all about profits!" Instead of shouting "BWA HAHA" at his face, Neil tells him politely, "No, I meant..." but David, who seems to be pretty drunk already, cuts him off: "I meant, I meant, if only, if only! If only me aunt had bollocks she'd be me uncle!" What..? Neil didn't even say "if only!" That's just one of those totally clueless David moments where he thinks he's won Neil by being totally childish. Kinda like the "wanna be the popular boss? Pathetic!" thing. David walks away looking confident and drunk. Neil is left to wonder what the fuck that was all about.

Trudy takes a drink from a shot glass and apparently ends a story: "Every time we won." It seems like a realistic enough conversation snippet, though I don't know why she's drinking before she says it. This whole party thing is weird to me. I'm beginning to think they just basically drink in the office every night, and this is as good an excuse as any.

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 3: "Headhunted"

Ray and Jude are sitting on the sofa in the lobby. They're talking to each other in low tones. I love this whole storyline. I love David's motivational speech and the following episode is probably my favorite one of the whole show. I love how professional and calm Ray and Jude are and how utterly David fails at impressing them. Like all other actors on the show, they make a believeable naturalistic performance - very low-key, very professional, matter-of-fact. In other words, a great backdrop for David's idiocy. And here he comes now, with his cheap brown leather jacket shining. Dawn introduces Ray and Jude, but then realizes he forgot the name of the firm and chuckles a bit. "Cooper and Webb," says Ray and shakes David's hand. "Who's Cooper and who's Webb?" asks David and grins. "Neither of us," says Ray completely serious. I don't think he ever laughs at any of David's jokes, coming to think of it. "I bet you get that all the time, do you?" David 'jokes'. "No," says Ray so straight-faced that you could read it as "What the fuck?" He takes out his portfolio, but David stops him by lifting his finger. Then he turns to Dawn and ignores Ray and Jude for a moment, even if he's really putting up an act for him. "First things first, any more mail?" he says and does a little dance - well, not really, but he's rocking his body a bit back and forth, his arms hovering above the desk. I think he's attempting to look cool, but you never know with David. Dawn gives him some mail, and he browses thru it: "Mr D. Brent... that's me," he says in his "important" voice. He takes a quick look at Ray and Jude and a similar look at Dawn. Then he just browses thru the mail, thinking this will make him look like Mr Hot Shot Boss. You know what David? Everybody gets mail. Even people who never get out of their house get mail with their name on it. It's not a sign that you're busy and improtant. You're just being really rude. Ray and Jude look at each other a little baffled and shift their legs, looking impatient. Then David suddenly gestures to them and says, "Come thru." He walks first, and he takes his leather coat off "casually", but you can really tell how tight it is, because he has to pull quite a bit to get it off his arms. Dawn gets up a bit to look at him and then allows herself a mischievious little nose-crunching smile. Did I mention that I love her facial expressions?

In David's office, he hangs his jacket on a coat rack and then sits down in his chair, "Whewww", as if he's had a really busy day. Well, David, you got in an hour late, and you obviously went out for lunch as well, so I'm not so sure how busy you've been. Because he hasn't told Ray and Jude where to sit, they're left to pull up chairs for themselves. David makes another desperate attempt to seem busy as he picks up his phone's receiver and puts it on his ear, then moves his mouse ever so slightly and clicks it saying, "Ahh, it's..." He pretends to look at the screen all intensely, then he thoughtfully puts away the receiver. Great, David. It's really impressive and I'm sure they bought it, because you didn't even call anyone. How to know a busy person? Well, they're always picking up their phone without calling anyone. It's just a reflex for a busy boss! Ray and Jude look at him expectantly, as if they're unsure if he's going to have any more quirks before they can get down to business. "Shoot," says David and adjusts his tie. He doesn't do the finger pointing thing anymore, like he did in the first season whenever he said "shoot". He also wipes his hair with his hand. "Well... are you aware of what we do?" asks Ray in a calm, quiet voice. "No!" says David rudely. Why is he putting up this act? Does he think they're salespeople and wants to show from the beginning that he's not interested?

Ray explains that Cooper & Webb arranges business seminars where experts teach people how to do business or something. It sounds kind of vague to me, kind of like teaching people creative writing. You can show them the basic techniques, but if they don't have the creativity, it's not going to work out. Neil offers a similar theory later on in the episode. Ray gives David his portfolio, but he just quickly glances at it and then closes it. He has this totally rejecting look on his face. It makes him look kinda childish. Ray is being way too polite with him, but I guess consultants have to get used to this kind of thing. "I'll stop you right there," says David. Nice way of showing you control the conversation - and that you think there's going to be a lot more sales talk. I get that a lot at my job as Gallup poll interviewer. He says he doesn't need this type of thing, "I do all my own in-house training." Hee, I wonder if his experience with Rowan had anything to do with that decision? He's better off without outside help anyway, because the more the consultant talks, the less he gets to sing.

Ray corrects him that they wanted him to be an expert speaker. David tries to play it cool and says: "Good choice." That's like the most arrogant reply you could give, but I think he thinks it just seems like cool and aloof behaviour. He adjusts his tie smugly and plays with it a bit. "Why'd you dudes swing by here in the first place?" he asks. Dudes? Swing by? I think he's trying to be hip again. Just act professionally, David. That's the only impression he doesn't do, I think. That and Gonzo. Ray tells him that Wernham Hogg has a good reputation, and a guy named Andy Hitchcock recommended David. David buries his face in his hand for a moment in amusement and fake embarrassment: "Ah, Cockles! Cocky. The Big Cock." Why am I not surprised that David would focus on that part of his name? "Next time you're talking to him, just ask if he got the grass stains out of his trousers. Not in front of his wife, cos..." and he almost starts to laugh, but then he sees the camera and goes awkwardly silent. "Coss... was..." he tries, but fails to think of a suitable sentence to continue with. Hee! He totally makes it sound like he was doing something very dubious in the grass with The Big Cock. Ray and Jude look embarrassed too.

David brings it back to business: "What sort of tip would you want me on?" Ray says they're looking for "people who are sort of dynamic but who are also good communicators." Well, you've come to the wrong place then. Ask Neil instead. "Sure," says David smugly. "Sure, it's a corporate message, but obviously we're looking for people who can communicate with young people, 20-somethings..." Ray says, but stops when David lifts his high-heeled shoes on the table. They look a bit like my winter shoes, actually. Totally unsuitable for him, and he's clearly showing them just to show how he's so youthful and trendy. He looks at Ray like this settles it. Ray and Jude look taken aback, especially Ray, who's actually leaning back in his chair. "You don't see heels like those much nowadays," he says. David doesn't get that this means his gesture failed and made the opposite effect from the one he was going for. "You can still find them," he says and smugly plays with his tie again.

"What sort of bunts would I be looking at?" he asks. Ray doesn't get it. Instead of saying money, David just makes the finger-rubbing gesture and smugly bites his lower lip. "Um, well, to start with..." starts Ray, but David cuts him off with: "Buntsen burner." Hee! He grins gleefully, but both Ray and Jude look at him like they don't get it. He's acting like a total idiot. David explains: "Buntsen burner, nice little earner. Hence the.." and he rubs his fingers again. Oh, is this a Cockney slang phrase or something? Or just a Brentism? It's hard to tell. At any rate, it makes him look even dumber. Ray looks like he's not sure if David is nuts or stupid, but he suspects both. "Buntss...," he repeats in the hopes that they would get it now. Just let it go, David. Ray says they could begin with 300 pounds. "300 pounds just for an hour's work?" says David, clearly surprised. "No, you'd only talk for about 15 minutes," says Jude, who hasn't said anything so far. David is incredulous about the amount and even laughs a bit, which sounds like "Whoa, easiest money I ever made". "That's..." - he has to think for a moment - "1200 pounds an hour, pro rata," he says. Then he quickly tries to play it off as exactly what he expected: "That's the sort of fee I'd be looking at for this...so...," he says much more seriously and adjusts his tie.

He asks when it would happen. "Well, soon," says Jude with a quick look at Ray. "Count me in," says David smugly. He gets up to shake hands with them and says, "Thank you." Jude has to ask him if they could set some dates then and there. Most people would expect that they end the conversation because they came to see him, and they'd have a set way of doing this sort of thing. David acts like once he says yes, that's it. But when Jude asks about his calendar, he says, "Absolument." Not absolutely, that would be too common, you have to use one of the few French words you know. When David picks up his calendar, he finds the dildo Tim hid there. "What's that?" he says, dumbfounded. "It's a dildo," says Jude, and her voice implies that she thinks David must be a very weird guy who gets up to very weird things in his office. Frankly, that's just the impression he's left with his stupid jokes and weird behaviour. "Is it yours?" David asks. "No!" she says angrily. David, you're stupid. How and WHY would she have smuggled a dildo into your office? Just because she identified the object, doesn't make it hers. David apologizes vaguely and says "this is an example of problemss... let's have a look..." and he walks out of the office to settle the dildo issue, when he's supposed to be having a meeting with Ray and Jude! Can't this wait? Obviously he thinks this will show him to be the great leader he truly is, but it's really proof positive of the contrary.

The camera follows David as he walks into the employees' space with decisive steps. He looks like a fool. "OK, everybody!" he shouts. "What... am I doing in there..." - and he points at the office with the dildo - "with a dildo?" I think the employees could think of many interesting things he could be doing there. No one takes the opportunity to answer his question. He points the dildo at Jude and says, "She says it's not hers, and I for one believe her." That's so rude. Don't include her in this, and don't act like she might be lying. Jude looks uneasy. She glances at the dildo, but then looks away. The dildo is still staring her in the face. A little tip, David: you might wanna get it out of her face now if you want to do business with her. "So... whose is it?" he asks. Trudy lifts her hand, looking confused. David asks her why it was in his office. Why doesn't he ask Tim, who is the only employee to have been in his office that day? It has to be either him or Neil. How would Trudy know? Trudy says, "It's a birthday present. I don't know what it was doing in there." David turns to Ray and Jude and says, "Good harmless fun." Yeah, you really played along there, because you're such a laugh. He asks Trudy, "Is today your birthday? Many happy returns, but what have we learned from this?" He really cares about her birthday. How touching. "Don't leave your dildo lying around?" suggests Trudy. Great lesson. "Don't leave it out of your sight," says David and looks at Jude as if she's supposed to know all about this. "Cos it can wind up... anywhere..." You know what David, some women don't like dildos. This is another one of those TV clichés: that women always have a vibrator stacked up somewhere that they use when they're alone. Some women actually use their hands, but I think many men don't realize that.

David uses the dildo for pointing and accidentally turns it on. He gets very embarrassed at the rotating movement and tries to stop it, but ends up turning it on a gyrating mode, and says, "That's worse. What do you do when that happens?" he asks Trudy, who wouldn't know because she just got it. "Well, you probably..." I wonder where that sentence was going, but he doesn't continue it. He gives it to Tim, because now he's just too embarrassed to give it to Trudy himself. It's just a penis, David. You have one. It's not scary. It's funny that most women seem to have a more natural relationship with penises than most men. If only the Big Cock were here. Jude asks David if they can get back to business. David is relieved to have an excuse to leave the dildo alone. "We were actually in the middle of something," he mumbles as they walk back to his room. Well, I'm glad he spoke to the employees about this, because it surely made them realize some valuable life lessons. Such as "Don't leave your dildo lying around." After David leaves, Trudy gestures to Tim, who has managed to stop the dildo. I think David would have figured it out if he hadn't been so very embarrassed. Before taking it to Trudy, Tim has to shove the dildo in Gareth's face, just because it freaks Gareth out. He won't miss a chance to annoy Gareth.

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 2: "Bullseye"

Loud phone noises. Similar-looking guys in similar blue shirts and ties are working under similar grey lamps. It all looks so manufactured, even the people. It's scary, really, because this is how real offices really look.

Oliver and the anonymous male Swinnie are having a game of darts in the break room. That strikes me as a rather dangerous sport to be playing indoors. If someone were to just walk in, you'd easily throw the darts at them. The camera is outside the break room, and suddenly David walks in and takes a pose in front of the camera, with his thumb up and everything. He says, "You can't beat a bit of bully!" in a mock voice that's supposed to imitate something, but I either don't know the reference or he's doing such a bad impression (probably both) that I don't get it. "Bullseye," he clarifies in his normal voice and laughs. What makes me laugh is his leather jacket. It really draws attention to his gut, which is probably the opposite of what he was trying to achieve. "Here they are, lovely lads," he says to the camera and/or the guys. Now they're lovely? Last week they were "boring" and "slugs" that "have no personality". "New shoes," observes the anonymous male (AM). "Fashion," says David and turns to the camera for a quick look and shrug. Yes, he's really keeping up with the latest fashions. Before I go shopping, I always check what David Brent is wearing. AM asks David if he wants to throw the dart, and of course he does. I think AM just wants to see how badly he'll do so they can laugh at him when they leave the room. In an effort to make them laugh at him while he's still in the room, David offers some lame quotes from movies or whatever that I don't recognize. "Let Tony look after you" and "Nothing in this game, just two in the bed". I can't find them on Google and I'm not going to look further - suffice to say that he's laughing at his own jokes, but boring the other two guys, as usual.

He throws the dart, and even if the dart board is not on camera, you can tell he missed because there's the sound of a dart hitting the wall and then the floor. David blames it on the game, of course; he asks if throwing darts isn't "a bit fuddy-duddy" for "a couple of young lads". AM protests that he's 29, so he's not young. "Ooo, over the hill," says David jokingly. He has his hands on his hips and you can really see how small the jacket is on him. Aww, poor David. always so misguided in his attempts to be cool. He enters dangerous territory as he asks AM how old he looks. "Umm...40?" offers AM. That's interesting, because people usually say a lower number than the one they're thinking of. So AM probably thinks David looks older than 40. I bet he was thinking 45. "No, how old do you think I look? Not..." David says. Wow, he's really desperate. "39?" offers AM. One year lower? Ouch! "Most people say I look about 30," David says, bringing in his beloved "people" who are always there to compliment him, no matter what any idiots who actually exist might say. "Definitely not," says AM, and at this point, I'm beginning to think he's really stupid. Or just really really honest, which isn't a good thing when you work for David. "Are you calling them liars?!" David exclaims, obviously offended. He'll stick up for his imaginary friends! No one gets to question their judgements! "What do you think?" David asks Oliver, who is more wise than AM: "Between... 30 and 40?" Diplomatic, and means that he probably also thinks 39. "Yes!" David says. "More honest." Ah, I see, David takes "honest" to mean "telling me what I want to hear". He walks out of the room shaking his head, and the guys look after him, rolling their eyes a bit. Yeah, that's your boss, guys. Get used to it. And be honest, he likes that.

Warehouse. Some guy is operating a forklift, but it doesn't look like Anton. Too bad, he sounds so interesting. Tim stops at the warehouse door and tells the Swinnies that they're "about to enter a warehouse environment. I must warn you that some people here are working class, so there may be arse cleavage." Trudy cheers at this. She annoys me. Tim continues: "Just find a partner and hold hands. Don't talk to anyone though." The Swinnies laugh. Tim turns to Brenda and asks if she's cheating - I think. I can't really tell with his accent at that point. You know, English subtitles would really help me here, but alas, I've got a European version that doesn't have them for some reason. Anyway, I like that he treats Brenda like everybody else, not like "OMG wheelchair charity case". They walk into the warehouse, and Malcolm and another baboon stare wistfully after Trudy and Rachel. Why are the warehouse guys all such Neanderthals? More forklifting - it makes such an annoying noise, much like the dvd menus - and Tim leads them to "the heart of the operation", where everybody's having a break. Dawn is sitting next to Lee and the girls say hi to her. She's wearing a pretty blue shirt, and I suspect she's trying to compete with Rachel, because Rachel had a similar blue shirt on the week before. Because there are women in the group, Glynn has to comment: "Strippers have arrived!" Ugh. I don't think I'd last very long at the warehouse without punching one or more of the guys. "Tell you what, I'll give you five minutes, but no touching," says Tim and mimicks taking off his jacket. "Always knew you were bent," says Glynn as if Tim is serious. Disgustingly, Lee points at Dawn's breasts and says, "Don't worry. She'll take the old milkers out for a tenner." "Fuck off!" says Dawn, shocked. The guys laugh. Why are they together? This guy has zero respect for her. Dawn walks away and Lee looks a bit surprised. "Oy, lend us a tenner," says one of the guys. "You won't be seeing those tonight," says another. "That's alright, I've got cable," says Lee. Tim is staring in disbelief at this display of disrespect - is that the most dises ever in a sentence? - and decides it's time for his group to move on. "Bender!" one of the guys calls out after him and they chuckle. Yeah, hilarious.

Back at the office, the number bods are working boringly, and Trudy is making a personal call. Her screensaver reads "happy birthday". She's being pretty loud and annoying. "No! Get lost you cheeky bastard!" she shouts and laughs and snorts. I hate it when people make really loud personal calls at work. Well, it's even worse if they're fighting on the phone. There's this guy who constantly calls his family, and it's disturbing to hear him hiss, "Don't hang up on me like that! -I know, but you don't have to hang up! -Stop telling me what to do! What's that supposed to mean!" You know, dish it out at home. Laughing in an annoying way is disturbing too though.

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 1: Team Individuality

You know what? I'm going to name the first parts of each episode myself. They look so dull without a name. I feel a bit bad though, as if I'm writing fan fiction instead of recapping. I have such respect for this show, I don't know how I manage to recap it in the first place. I just feel like I should bow down before Gervais and Merchant and go, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" So far, I haven't, but I can't promise I won't do that as season 2 goes on.

After credits, we see Neil talking to Dawn. She's laughing, because he's not as funny as David, at all. And he's so boring too, like all Swindon people. She speaks in a low voice. He says it's ten to ten, and she says, "Well, I can't speak for... Here he is," as David walks in. He comes to work at ten to ten? That looks really good in front of his boss. What looks even better is that he's gotten a brown leather jacket and high-heeled shoes, so he looks almost as tall and elegant as Neil. Except that he's older and the coat looks like it wouldn't cover his whole belly, and it's just incredibly childish of a 40-year-old guy to think that mimicking someone else's style will make him look cool and funny to the Swinnies.

Neil comments on his jacket. "It's a bit like mine," he says. A bit? It looks exactly like his, only cheaper. "What brand's yours?" asks David. "Armani," says Neil. "Expensive," says David. Neil asks what brand his is. "Sergio Georgini," says David in a voice that suggests that's somehow better than Armani. "New shoes as well," comments Neil. "Quite a heel on them." David looks like he's annoyed Neil figured that out and didn't just imagine he sprung up overnight. He doesn't look at Neil as he asks if they still have a meeting at ten and walks into his office. Dawn gets up to look at him as he walks away and then sits down with an expression of amusement and pity. I heart Dawn's facial expressions. Neil looks after David with just pity and annoyance.

David interview. "People see me and they see the suit, and they go, 'You're not fooling anyone,' they know I'm rock'n'roll thru and thru." I wonder if he could name any of these 'people' if someone asked. "But um.. you know that old thing: live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast - sure, live too bloody fast sometimes... But die young? -Die old. That's the way I... Not orthodox. I don't live by 'the rules'." This is one of my favorite Brentisms. It's one of the first episodes I saw and one of the first times I realized the joke, I think. He shows he completely misunderstands the phrase "live fast, die young". It means you pay the price for your choices. You can't have everything. But he thinks he can just pick and choose, and what's worse, he's using this as an example that he doesn't live by the rules, as if "live fast, die young" is a rule and he's somehow courageous for breaking it. And yes, he makes the pause before "the rules" and he does the finger quotes, thus further undoing his own point. Besides, what rules is he breaking? He doesn't "live fast". He has a very boring conventional life, he never really does anything exciting, and he hardly gets out of Slough. So he tries to be an entertainer (and fails), but that's not exciting or breaking the rules. And I very much doubt he's going to die old with the lifestyle he's got. Besides, he hates aging and desperately tries to appear young. There are so many things wrong with this particular comment. I'm loving it!

He continues about "one other person" - as if he and this guy are the only ones - who has influenced him, "someone who is a maverick, someone who does that" - he pauses and shows his middle finger to the camera - "then it's Ian Botham." He looks at the camera like he expects people to think, "Ah! He's so cool! He admires Ian Botham!" David continues: "Because Beefy will happily say: 'That's what I think of your selection policy'" - he shakes his fist feebly - "Yes, I've hit the odd copper, yes, I've enjoyed the old doobie, but will you piss off and leave me alone. I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics." This is something I had to look up, not being British. Ian Botham, also known as Beefy, was a cricket player, which at a first glance didn't seem all that controversial. However, his Wikipedia entry reports: "Often controversial, Botham was suspended briefly in 1986 for smoking cannabis, and was accused of racism and ball-tampering by Imran Khan. His private life has also made occasional dramatic appearances in Britain's tabloid newspapers." So David admires racists, cheaters and drug addicts? These are the very things he's not supposed to be advocating, considering his position and the image he's trying to give. John O'Groats and spastics don't make sense to me, but if there are any Brits in the audience of my recaps, please leave a comment and I'll edit this entry.

Neil takes off his coat and sits down in David's office. The camera looks at them thru the Venetian blinds again. Neil asks if David's been organizing things, "it looks a bit chaotic, that's all." David turns on his bullshit generator: "Just been... assimilating. Reassimilating and...uh..." Neil doesn't fall for it: "Reassimilating what?" David talks more slowly, probably because he doesn't have a response ready: "Just taking...on...people...and putting them into... just categorizing..." He can't even finish a sentence! He should have, like, excuses written out for him so he can read them from notes like he did with those aphorisms in the previous episode. Before Neil can say anything, David gets defensive about the idea of categories: "Not in any sort of like... label me..." He draws a square in the air. Hee! That's what categorizing usually means, though, David. "..but just... you know.. that's your vibe, that's your vibe..." He shows hand gestures left and right and then combines his hands with a smug grin on his face. The one where he bites his upper lip. The camera shows Neil from the back. He's leaning to his right, sitting with his right hand contemplatively on his chin. I don't think he's happy with what he's hearing. And I doubt David could name any concrete examples of his "categorizing".

It's Trudy's birthday, and she's getting gifts from her coworkers. They all seem to be naughty for some reason. She calls one of them "a leather basque", but I'd just call it a corset. Never heard the word leather basque before. Trudy seems excited about it. I don't think I would be. It seems like a pretty intimate present. She tries it on her shirt, even if Gareth keeps telling her to "try it on properly.. without all the...in case you have to take it back..." Aww, Gareth. So misguided and pervy. The corset fits. The next present makes Trudy exclaim, "Oh my god, it's disgusting! You dirty..." It's a dildo. And that I think I would like. "One size fits all," says the older guy who isn't Malcolm. Everybody's laughing like they never saw a penis before. Tim picks it up and shows to Gareth just to piss him off, "Look at the face! Look at the face!" Gareth gets grossed out: "It's disgusting!" Hee, a moment ago he was asking Trudy to take her shirt off. It's like he's a teenager - really curious and horny, but scared of the realities of sex. Gareth says Tim doesn't know where it's been. "I do know where it's been, it's been in the box," says Tim. Gareth thinks the women in the factory might have used it. "The women in the factory, your amazing mind again," says Tim. Gareth defends: "Well, in my experience, women who work in factories are slackers, so...Don't know what..." Wow. In his experience? Of women who work in factories? And does he really imagine that women in factories test drive dildos just out of boredom? He probably does. He's so sad. An awkward silence falls after Gareth's comment. Trudy thanks everyone for the presents, but the mood has fallen a bit. Thanks, Gareth.

Back to David, who's still hedging. "They're malleable," he says emphatically, and Neil mm hmm's. Hee, David acts like he's giving a lecture. He talks so slowly and says such roundabout things that it's hard for Neil to really respond with anything, and I think he's just trying to keep Neil from noticing that he's really done nothing. David claims to like the Swinnies and says he doesn't like it when people come in all: "Oh, we do it this way, we do it that way.. I just wanna go, 'Do it this way... if you like.' If you don't... Team playing." Where was that stray sentence going? His way of being a boss is telling people, "Do this if you like. If you don't, don't do it"? That's terrible management. "I call it team individuality," he continues. Team individuality? That is like the ultimate oxymoron, David being the moron. Basically... you can be an individual within the team, but if the team defines the spirit, it's always team spirit, not individual. "Again, guilty, unorthodox, sue me." He lifts his hand when he says "guilty". Neil admits it really is unorthodox, and tries to ask something about how it works for the team, but David talks over him: "Nothing ever changes by staying the same... quite literally." He's just stringing words together, and this time he realized it actually works in a logical sense, but what he doesn't realize is that the sentence could be reduced to "duh".

Tim and Gareth's desk. Tim has the dildo on his desk, and I don't really understand why. I mean, I saw him playing with it earlier, but it's Trudy's present. It's pretty rude to take it like that. On second thought, it's probably there just to piss Gareth off, and I bet Trudy agrees with that. Rachel walks in and sits on Tim's desk. She takes the dildo in her hands flirtatiously: "You like that don't you? Is that because it looks like yours?" "They're identical," jokes Tim. "Though mine's not that size, it's very, very tiny, but it is made of plastic." I love Tim's humor. It's wry and weird, but it works. And he sounds quite serious while saying it. Gareth, of course, has to jump in with a lame joke of his own: "Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic!" Eww. He just took Tim's self-deprecating joke and made a macho boast out of it. He looks very proud of his stupid joke, and he's laughing through his nose and it sounds like "hh-hh-hh..." He's such a lame teenage boy with sex stuff. Rachel and Tim both look uncomfortable. When Gareth finally stops "laughing", Rachel dares Tim to put the dildo in David's office. Tim tries to say no, but when Rachel says he should do it "cos it would make me laugh", and Gareth offers to do it, he has no choice. Gareth, you know Rachel won't love you if you do it. He's so intrusive. I know his desk is joined with Tim's, but that doesn't mean that everything Rachel says is also aimed at him.

So Tim takes the dildo and hides it behind his back. He says it's simple, "couldn't be easier." He knocks on David's door as Rachel's giggling and looking like "Wow, he's really gonna do it!" She's acting like a schoolgirl, and Tim's like a schoolboy with his pranks, but somehow with them it's less annoying than with Gareth. Tim goes in and starts to ask David something... and then he pretends to be thinking hard. "It's gone," he says. "Too many late nights," says Neil. He tells Tim to come back later. David looks annoyed that Neil is talking to Tim as if this is Neil's office, not David's. Tim, with admirable acting ability, takes a folder off David's desk and leans his forehead on it, feigning embarrassment: "Come on, Tim." Finally he takes his right hand out, careful to not let either David or Neil see the dildo, and says, "I'm holding a folder," as if he had picked it up quite unconsciously and feels embarrassed that he did. Then he places the folder, with the dildo under it, on the desk. It's really quite good.

As Tim turns to leave, Neil stops him to ask if he could take "my lot" - note that he's using these words quite affectionately and not putting the Slugs down, while David acts like it's a war between his people and Neil's - down to the warehouse to see how things work down there. That sounded nasty. But what can I do when there's a dildo planted in the room? "There's not a lot of point, there's not a lot to see there," says David. So he's really against it only because Neil wants it. He's playing with his tie awkwardly. "We are one organization, I think it'd be a good idea for everyone to know everyone else," says Neil with a little chuckle. David looks very sour about having his opinion turned down. "Just tell Glynn I said it's OK," says Neil. David has to interject with: "Tell TAFFY that I said it's OK and that Neil agrees with me." David! Neil's your boss! He won't just "agree" with you, he'll make the rules. David tries to win points by using Glynn's nickname, which he doesn't even answer to (see season 1, episode 2). David rubs his chest smugly, pretending to be adjusting his shirt. I think he just needs something to do with his hands. He looks at Neil as if he won that debate. Wow, how dumb can you be?

Tim closes the door and a look of triumph is on his face now. He mouths "Yes" and laughs silently. "Sorry, that was brilliant," says Tim. I guess he's apologizing for complimenting his own work, but it really was good. Gareth's expression says he could have done it better. "Did you see where it went? It went under the folder," says Tim. Rachel laughs with childish glee and attraction to Tim. They exchange high fives that get very intimate and end up in them bump ing their butts together. Dawn looks at it from her desk, feeling left out. And Gareth, of course, is looking at them from the other side with the same kind of look. Are there any office romances where this doesn't happen? Tim asks Gareth what he'd give it "out of 10". "I give it a 3," says Gareth bitterly. "Three?!" says Tim. I bet he realizes, though, that Gareth's just jealous because Tim is butt-bumping his girl. Yeah, I'm so sure Rachel and Gareth will end up together. Rachel just doesn't know it yet.