Season 1, Episode 3, Part 5: "The Results"

Gareth, as the quiz master, is getting the respect he deserves as the audience throws crumpled pieces of paper at him. He tries to laugh it off, but then loses his temper and shouts: "Do you wanna hear the results or not?!" People look a bit scared. That Gareth, all fun and games. Position number four goes to "Universally Challenged", a team consisting of Sheila, Keith, and the anonymous female employee. In position 3: Malcolm and Dennis, who were apparently all out of witty puns. The Dead Parrots look very drunk and very, very nervous. And then - it's a tie between The Dead Parrots and Ricky and Tim's team, which is called The Tits. The Tits?! OK, I suppose it's inevitable with guys that age. Or any age. Gareth sounds like this is the most exciting thing that ever happened to him. He says "tie-breaker" three times, asking each team to send one member to answer one final question. Tim pats Ricky's shoulder, and David gets up, but Finchy PUSHES HIM DOWN and goes himself. Wow. Some friendship. David doesn't even act hurt, so you know he's done this type of thing before.

Ricky and Finchy get up on stage. Gareth says, "The first person to shout out the correct answer wins." The final question is: "What Shakespeare play features a character called Caliban?" Easy for anyone who has, say, taken a course in Shakespeare at the uni. Chris "One Book a Week" Finch promptly replies: "Macbeth". David says, "Yes," because he knows as little about Shakespeare as Finch does. Gareth says, "No. Ricky?" David's face falls and he assumes a drunkenly surprised pose, which is spot on. I am in awe of Gervais. Acting drunk convincingly can be very difficult. But Finchy isn't done yet, as he, ever the logical thinker, starts listing all Shakespeare plays he's ever heard of: "Midsummer Night's Dream, Hamlet..." Gareth forgets about his own rules and says, "You had your go." Finchy starts desperately repeating that Gareth said the first person to shout out the right answer would win. He continues this even after Ricky says the correct answer: "The Tempest". Would he have come up with that, had he gotten the chance to list Shakespeare plays all night? Maybe, maybe not. It's not one of the best-known Shakespeare plays, and literature is obviously not his strong suit. Nor culture of any kind. Ricky is as triumphant as you might think after all the provocation from Finch, and he leaves the stage shouting, "That's Blockbusters!" Gareth gives him a bottle of champagne and tries to announce the winners, but Finchy's bitterness over the issue isn't over. Gareth keeps smiling and looking at the winners, not making eye contact with Finchy, because he doesn't have enough leadership skills to calmly tell an angry person to return to his seat. Ricky and Tim wave and people cheer at them. The camera pans on David, who's doing his best to not look too disappointed on camera. He stares ahead blankly and rubs his chin. Back at the table, Finchy looks at David despisingly, obviously pinning it all on him. David looks flustered and embarrassed. Poor David. Finchy is an asshole, but David's just sad.

At the pub counter, The Poor Losers walk up and Ricky teases Finchy: "Was it Hamlet, Machbet or Lear..?" Finchy tells him next time he thinks of the questions "and you can have this fat bastard." That's damn cold. "Banter," says David, trying to play it off, but Finchy shows his truly ugly side. He says it's not banter, and asks David to tell people what he answered to the question: "Which Cuban leader has been in power since the revolution in 1959?" David looks duly embarrassed, but when Finchy insists he admits his reply was Fray Bentos. Someone - Ricky? - laughs immaturely off-camera. Finchy cruelly tells David he's a waste of space and the reason the company's doing badly. I hate him. I mean, this episode shows what a sad man with a sad life he really is, and how he's really a lot like David. But David doesn't purposely humiliate his so-called best friend in front of his employees. I'm gonna quote David from the Christmas special: "Chris? Why don't you fuck off." In this episode, David just looks sad, and I feel like I should hate him for being an enabler to Finchy's shitty behaviour, but I feel too sorry for him. He has a really low self-esteem and hanging out with Finchy makes him feel like he's worth something, if only through association with someone "cool". And as always, when people choose friends on that basis, he's chosen someone utterly lame and mean for it.

Dawn shows her humanity by sticking up for David: "Don't get at him just cause they beat you." She shouldn't have said that last part though, as Finchy's testosterone level immediately seems to go up and he says he could list 50 things he's better at. "Like what?" says Dawn. Finchy takes this as a sign that he needs to show he's The Man, and his drunken brain comes up with "Throwing". Dawn laughs, so he starts telling this inane story about how he once threw a copper kettle over a pub in Chichester. David stands next to him nodding, obviously proud of his "friend" who just humiliated him. David's eyes go up and down when Finchy motions how he put his tie around the kettle and it went over the pub, complete with sound effects. Gareth the idiot ASKS if it went over. Finchy shows the same motion again. "Obviously," says Gareth, as if he knew all along. He gets excited and starts explaining how that's an official territorial army method, even if he wouldn't use a tie. "Right. Would you use a kettle?" asks Dawn and bursts into laughter again as Gareth says he'd use an "equivalent", like a coconut. It's cute how Dawn is also obviously drunk in this scene, and she's just winding up Gareth again without him noticing.

Finchy grabs onto his last desperate chance at winning the quiz: he will throw anything the others choose over the pub, and if he succeeds, he won the quiz. "New challenge! Double or quit!" says David. That's not double or quit. That's just "stupid and/or desperate". Then he says "That was the real quiz" several times. This is ridiculous. Ricky agrees with me, as he says, "You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?" I admire him for telling his boss that to his face. Gareth defends them by saying, "He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you done?" Awesome. Finchy and David keep insisting that they should settle the quiz in this way. Ricky says, "Gareth! Throw Gareth." Gareth makes a face at him. Actually, I'd love it if they tried that. He probably weighs about as much as a copper kettle anyway. Somebody starts teasing Tim, as he's "the birthday boy", and they decide to throw his shoes, apparently forcing them off him. The scene gets very realistically chaotic, as no one remembers the camera anymore. They force Tim on the floor, Dawn looks on disapprovingly, and David yells, "Tickle him! Tickle him!" and jumps up and down like the 5-year-old boy he is.

They walk out and Finchy proudly shows that he will use the shoelaces to tie the shoes with. "I knew it! Typical! That'll work!" yells an excited David. Tim is not amused at all, and neither is Dawn, but it's too late to stop it now, as everyone else is so drunk. Ricky asks how they will know if it goes over, and David tells Sheila to go to the other side of the house. Sheila, always eager to do as she's told, immediately runs to the other side. Dawn would have said no. The camera pans on Tim looking really sad and tired of his life. Lee puts his hand on his shoulder as if to make him feel better, but he's obviously really amused. Finchy flings the shoes around by the laces as David counts: "two.. and three.. and four.." as if he needs a backwards countdown. Finchy throws the shoes and they go over the roof easily. "Oh yes! Looking good!" Finchy says and lifts his arms in victory. He's so sad, but I still hate him. Tim looks sad, tired, and unshaven. They yell out to Sheila, "Did it go over?" "Yeah, it came right past me!" yells Sheila's disembodied voice. Dawn looks incredulous, while others are cheering. Gareth claps his hands, looking excited. That's why he's the quiz master: he will accept this as victory, just because it's like the territorial army.

The Drunken Idiots engage in some extremely childish cheering and telling off the other team. "Screeew Blockbusters!" screams Finchy. "You're shit, you're shit, you're shit," repeats David, who's doing the victory dance. Then he starts babbling about how he's "the Boss, like Bruce Springsteen. Slough branch!" Awesome. I wonder if The Boss has a Swindon branch, as well. As David sings some Springsteen riffs while making weird gestures from his crotch to the sky. He's really drunk. He always makes a fool of himself, but when he's drunk, it's just a bigger than usual fool. Finchy lectures to Ricky about "respecting his elders". To Ricky's credit, he simply looks amused. Gareth, looking at Finchy with adoring eyes, gives him Tim's HatFM: "Throw this!" Tim takes it back, in case it might break. Some birthday. David and Finchy run inside to celebrate their "victory". Others follow them. Tim is left standing outside, looking sad and tired. Dawn walks up to him and tries to offer help in getting his shoes back, but Lee tells her they're going, and Dawn follows like she's his dog. I love Dawn in all other scenes, but when she's with Lee, she just turns into this doormat who has to do everything her lord and master tells her.

The theme song starts playing over the last scene, for the only time during the series. Tim sadly walks to get his shoes, which everyone else has already forgotten. Before he gets to the other side, however, Gareth runs up and tries to kick the Large Inflatable Cock over the pub. It falls back, and Tim gives Gareth a long look. After glancing at the camera, Gareth gleefully runs back inside. That was classic. Some great acting from Mackenzie Crook in this episode. Tim is left finding his shoes and the credits roll, with the second verse playing over them. The last visual is of the Large Inflatable Cock, and I wonder if it isn't a nod at David and Finchy's macho bullshit. Probably is.

This is an awesome episode, one of the best ever. I must admit I felt depressed after seeing it for the first time, because I felt sorry for Tim, and the episode is really sad in tone. I think I just took it too seriously - in reality, it's a hilarious episode where the characters are all sad, but the sadder ones are definitely David and Finchy. After all, Tim might be ignored by his colleagues and unable to pursue the woman he loves, but he still might make it later on. David and Finchy are too old to go back to university and no woman wants to go near them. They're the ones who are really stuck, and they're so in denial they're not even seeing it. Nothing points that out more subtly than this episode. And the saddest of all? Gareth, who is so much younger and is already like them. Finchy was just desperate - on some level, he knew throwing the kettle over the pub doesn't make him the bigger man. But Gareth really thinks it does. To him, Wernham Hogg and the territorial army are the whole universe. In ten years, he'll be doing David's job. You know, thinking about it, it really is a sad episode. Because lots of people live that life.

Season 1, Episode 3, Part 4: "The Quiz"

And finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. Well, the moment David and Finchy have been waiting for: the quiz is beginning. We're at a pub. Gareth is standing on stage and in the fine tradition of all amateur performers, shouting into the microphone, which responds by giving some loud noises. Talk in your normal voice, Gareth. He doesn't get it, so he just puts the microphone quite far from his mouth. He introduces David and Finchy's team, "The Dead Parrots". They do a short and very poor imitation of Monty Python's Parrot Sketch, which is surely imitated by many amateur comedians in pubs all the time. David always does the same high-pitched mock voice when he tries to imitate someone. Someone should tell him. Oh, wait, they can't - they'd be fired. "Monty Python," says Gareth and laughs awkwardly. Apart from David and Finchy, no one else does. And really, I bet they do that same bit of the sketch every year.

Gareth starts to ask the first question, but Dawn interrupts him, "David!" David gets up and says, "Oh yeah," like it's a big chore. He tells everyone it's Tim's birthday "and he's 30 years young". Original AND funny, I bloody hate him. Tim gets a round of applause and David puts his hand on his shoulder for a moment. "What better way to celebrate than a battle of wits, so..." he says and sits down to start with the quiz. Yeah, the quiz is all about Tim and his birthday. "Speech!" yells Dawn from the back, and Tim gets up to make a speech, but Gareth starts asking the first question, so he just sits down instead. Aww, poor Tim. Too bad his birthday was on quiz night, or he might have gotten a little bit of David's attention. The first question is a military one. Why am I not surprised? It's an insanely difficult one: "In the mid-1960's, US Army replaced all existing infantry guns with M-16 rifles and which [blabla technical talk about weapons]?" Finchy writes something down immediately, but Tim is dumbfounded. "You what?" he says. "Just write down the answer if you know it," says Gareth. Yeah, standard quiz question there. Very Gareth.

David interview. He mentions once again that they have been champions for six years now, and then tells us that they nearly lost it two years ago, "unjustly". Oo, that must have been tragic. "Gareth was quiz master then", he mentions pretty redundantly, because I bet Gareth has been quiz master as long as he's been in the firm. And that might just be his whole working life. The problematic question was "what race is Mr Spock?" I hear even nerds fight about this particular one, so it doesn't seem like a "right or wrong answer" type question to me. "Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect," says David. His eyes get a bit wider and he looks quite fanatic. "Mr Spock is HALF Vulcan, half HUMAN. OK?" Whatever you say, David. You're my authority when it comes to Star Trek. And business skills. And really, any topic in life. You're just so full of wisdom. He continues that Gareth wanted to give everyone a point, and that apparently still upsets him: "No, everyone does not get one point. 'Carpet munchers' don't get a point, 'Dr Wankenstein' doesn't get a point, 'Stephen Hawkin's football boots' don't get a point." Carpet munchers?!! David tells us he went home to get a BOOK to prove it. Seriously. He doesn't realize how pathetic and desperate that makes him look. "Everyone went, yeah yeah you were right, you won, sorry." Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what they said. "No apologies necessary. Let's just go on with the quiz." Smug look at the camera again, grin. "But remember..le..learn." I love how he slurs it, and also the whole point which is so... pointless. Classic David.

Back at the quiz, the second question deals with a Paul Hardcastle song that deals with - you guessed it - war. Tim asks Gareth if all the questions will be about the war. Gareth gets defensive: "No! There's one on tennis, one on the Suez canal... Loads..." Yeah, such different topics. He launches straight into question three: "Which canal connects the Mediterranean and the Red Sea?" He looks around in an insecure way, but I doub he realizes the blunder he just made. At least everyone will justly get a point for that one.

Gareth interviews that he doesn't want to get into the Spock incident again. He sums it up in his usual formal way: "Questions were asked, certain parties were unhappy... The questions were solved, end of discussion." And even if he just said he won't comment on it again, he tells us what he said at the time: "Look at his ears." A very Gareth comment. It's a hilariously petty issue to fight about.

In another very petty fight, and increasingly drunken David Brent is laughing at Ricky because he confused Nick Kershaw and Howard Jones. David and Finch try to explain which one Nick Kershaw is, but they're both so drunk it just turns into slurring and weird gestures. They act totally superior, maybe because this is the only topic they can really rub in Ricky's face. Ricky points out that this is old entertainment, 60's and 70's. Finchy doesn't accept that 30 years old is old, which is the first sign of aging. They raise voices and Tim tries to shush them down, but Ricky wants to prove himself to the others and asks them which insect produces gossamer. He says "Finchy" with the sarcasm it deserves. Finchy can't think of it, and Ricky smugly tells them it's the spider. Finchy points out that spiders are arachnids, not insects, because they have have eight legs instead of six, a fact that David repeats several times, laughing at Ricky as if he knew it himself. I think they should have known it from "gossamer", but of course Finch acts totally superior and tells Ricky to have another few semesters in "the university of life". I think he could stand to take a few semester in the high school of life himself. He still acts 15. Tim bursts out laughing, and David seems to think he's laughing at Ricky, but he's probably just laughing at "it's my birthday and I have to listen to this". A bit dejected, Ricky takes a swig of his beer, but he's not defeated yet: "We'll see when this is over". And at this point, I think most viewers really want The Dead Parrots to lose.

David interviews some more about the Spock question, trying to prove it's so important. As usual, he does it through a poorly chosen metaphor: if you took an Alsatian/Labrador mix to "Crafts", which I guess is the biggest British dog show, you couldn't show the dog either in the Labrador or Alsatian section, because it's neither. "Now get that dog out of my sight. Thanks, I will. You've proved my point," he continues, which cracks me up, because he just lives so vividly in these absurd metaphors. "And that's Crafts.. alright?" he tells the camera with his signature smug expression. Yeah, a fictional dog show really proves that you should win the office quiz. Every year. He says that last line slowly and smugly, as if to get the point through to even the dumbest viewers. I love how Gervais plays it so subtly.

The next question is easy for the young folks: "Who had a hit single with Don't Speak?" Ricky is triumphant, while The Braindead Parrots aren't sure if it's No Doubt, 4 Non Blondes, or Hootie and the Blowfish. How can you confuse No Doubt and Hootie and the Blowfish?! I wish Ricky pointed that out to them, but he doesn't. Well, that's what I'm here for. Tim says something about "east... east side...", which I hope has to do with another question, because it definitely has nothing to do with No Doubt. Dawn tries to get his attention by throwing a pen at him. Sometimes their flirtation is so fifth grade. Dawn looks cute with her braids. Back at the Poor Monty Python Imitations table, Finchy is blaming David for "poisoning" his thinking process with 4 Non Blondes. Listen Finchy, if you know you know, and if you don't it's not David's fault. David feebly says both groups are good. "Don't guess, think logically," says Finchy. It's not about logic, though, it's about memory. People are apt to remember the songs of their youth better than the stuff that came out when they were in their 30's. "No logic to music, it's art," says David. Hee! David drinks more beer, which is bound to make him think more logically.

Finchy rubs his brow and Tim asks him if it's the first time they lose. Finchy replies that the right questions aren't coming. Ricky points out that a quiz should be random. Finchy says it's "randomly awful" - which has all the maturity of "I'm losing! This game is STUPID!" - and that next year he will think of the questions. There's competitive and then there's compulsive. Finchy wants to prove he can think of a question offhand: "Choose a topic." Ricky chooses sport, which doesn't explain why Finchy asks him for the capital of Iceland. Ricky promptly gives the right answer, of course. "Is that still a sport?" Tim quips. Gotta love Tim. Finchy asks him about the capital of Borneo, but Tim couldn't care less who wins the quiz, and gotta love him even more for that. "Don't have one. See? That was random," says Finchy. How was that random? Ricky argues that it wasn't, while David takes a call and leaves the table.

The camera follows David as he talks on the phone to a doctor, who apparently takes care of his Dad. "He's asked about me?" David says and lies he's "snowed in at work." He tells them to give his Dad sleeping pills. Before hanging up, he asks the doctor if he knows who sang "In the Summertime." "Mungo Jerry! Cheers!" After abandoning his sick Dad and cheating in the quiz, David "Got up at 3 am to Convince my Dad There Wasn't a Sniper on his Roof" Brent returns to The Poor Losers table. Our hero.

Season 1, Episode 3, Part 3: "Quiz Officials Only"

Investigation and Meeting Room has turned into Quiz Officials room. Tim and Dawn walk in as Gareth is preparing the quiz questions with the help of some books. Seems so old-fashioned to go through books for this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I love books, but the Internet is the fastest way of finding current information. Gareth tells Tim and Dawn they can't come in or they will be disqualified, "quiz officials only". Hee, officials. It's a tiny office quiz. In David and Gareth's world, of course, it's like the world championships of .. common knowledge, I guess. Dawn looks at the questions just to spite him and Gareth declares them both disqualified. Tim asks for his help and he says he hasn't go the time. Tim says it's about the army and, of course, Gareth always has a minute for that. He listens sternly, not looking at Tim when Tim starts to ask him, clearly buttering him up just to humiliate him, if "a military man like you, you know, a soldier" could ever "give a man a lethal blow". Gareth, of course, thinks it's an honest question and tells him he could if his life was in danger. He doesn't seem to notice that Dawn is giggling. Gareth needs some kind of bullshit detector. Actually, it might start beeping every time Tim is in the same room, so maybe it would make working in the office difficult. "If he was coming really hard?" clarifies Tim. Gareth says yes. Dawn asks him if he could "do it face-to-face with a bloke, or if he always imagined taking a man from behind." Gareth assures her that either way is easy for him. "Lovely," says Dawn. Oh Dawn and Tim, you're so mean to him, and yet I'm on your side.

The camera is shooting David Brent from behind his office window. He's browsing through a book. David, you're in the same office with a computer. Use the Internet. Ricky, on the other hand, is using a printer or copy machine, which seems to have an "offline error 243". I love how they added that detail, because it means absolutely nothing to most viewers, just like the price of mat-coated paper in the first episode. David walks in and Ricky asks about the copier, but of course David doesn't care because it's work related. Duh, Ricky! Today is about the quiz! David feels the need to tell Ricky Dostoyevski's full name and year of birth and death, as if he doesn't already know. David really thinks everyone is as ignorant as he is. With the possible exception of Chris "IQ of 142" Finch. David relates why Dostoyevski was exciled in Ziberia. He's smug because Ricky doesn't seem to know about it, but when Ricky recalls that he wrote "House of the Dead" in Ziberia, David just nods and says "yeah" weakly. He obviously doesn't know this stuff. He says "ahh... " in his trademark way, the same sigh he always makes when he's gonna end a conversation abruptly and just leave the room. Ricky is left at the copier, and his smile implies that he might have purposely embarrassed David there. And can't blame him a bit if he has.

Tim has gotten further in his little conversation with Gareth. He describes a situation where the enemy has discovered Gareth's camp, "and they've caught you with your trousers down and they've all entered your hole..." Gareth just says that it wouldn't happen because he would have been waiting for them, "watching the hole, using it as a bait." Tim repeats this: "You'd use your hole as a bait?" I cannot understand how someone can be in the army, territorial or otherwise, and not hear a bunch of dirty jokes all the time. How does he always miss this stuff? Although I doubt he had many friends in the army either. He probably spent all his time shushing others at night, telling on them to the higher-ranking soldiers, and being the butt of practical jokes. Dawn tells Tim, "You are how old? 30? And you're getting off on pretending that Gareth is gay." Even now that she's spelled it out to him, Gareth doesn't get it, and as Tim plays along and laughs, it comes off as Dawn thinking dirty. "You think she's been on the wacky-backy?" asks Gareth. Wacky-backy? That's a new drug term for me. Tim and Gareth high five and laugh as Dawn smirks at them. Or at Gareth, really. She's smirking WITH Tim.

Ricky is showing Donna how the copier works, as David walks in again. "We were talking earlier about Dostoyevski's House of the Dead?" he says. I can't believe this guy. Actually, I can, because I work with someone pretty similar to that. She's not my boss, but she does walk around with a constant smirk on her face and telling others random facts just to impress them. I hate her. Ricky sighs deeply and says he might have mentioned it. He sounds like he's had enough of the topic. David tells him more facts about Dostoyevski. Ricky tops him again by telling him his favorite work by D is Raw Youth and analyzing it as a criticism of science, which probably goes completely over David's head. David says, "Ahh..." again, then looks at his watch to appear busy and goes, "Yeeahh..." and leaves. Another smirk from Ricky. I'm really starting to like Ricky. He's responding to David's jerkitude with a nice polite meanness. And he's so much more intelligent, mature, and educated than him. See rest of the episode for more signs of that.

The next scene is all about Lee and his jerkitude. Some employees are sitting in the break room having coffee. Lee tells the others about his plans for his and Dawn's future, which includes such exciting things for Dawn as "getting a few kiddies under her belt", living with Lee's Mom, and getting a part-time cleaning job. Dawn looks depressed and bites her nails. When Lee's finished, she says, "Gotta dream a dream", a comment Tim laughs at. Lee decides to take offense and tells Tim he can tease them when he gets a life of his own. Dude, you just planned living with your mother after you have kids, so how is that any different from Tim's life? Tim gets him to cool down and they drink their coffees in silence. Happy birthday Tim. Dawn? Still biting her nails. I hate Lee and their whole relationship, because it's so obvious that Lee is just trying to control her. I actually think the whole triangle drama between Dawn, Tim, and Lee is unnecessary. I know it's supposed to highlight the idea of being stuck with a dead-end job and dead-end life and not going anywhere, but it's not funny and gets depressing at times. Somehow, as a female viewer, I find Dawn's situation frustrating. Why doesn't she have the guts to leave him? Why does she feel obligated to put up with his bullshit? But then there are women like that in real life - and maybe it's even subtle social commentary from the writers.

David is asking Gareth more about the quiz, because far be it from him to forget about it for a moment and get some actual work done. Finchy comes up from behind him, motioning to the others to keep quiet, and hits his ass or something. David is childishly excited to see him. Finchy starts right away with the dumbest fat jokes you could imagine, jokes which Ricky Gervais undoubtedly wrote himself. He loves making fun of his weight. Finch starts with "when's it due", one of my pet peeves. You hear people joke like this about fat guys all the time and it's so not creative or funny. David offers a feeble joke of his own: "Here we go, fasten your seatbelts." All aboard the cliché train! "There's no seatbelt that fits around you, you fat bastard," counters Finchy. David's not big enough for jokes like that, but whatever. He says something I can't really decipher, "All food that I paid for", maybe? And pats his belly. Finchy makes another lame fat joke: if David jumped his fat would all get stuck at his chest. He holds out his hands and talks in a lame mock voice: "I'm David Brent! I'm David Brent!" It's so third grade. David laughs like it's the best joke ever. Tim looks at the camera in shock. David says Finchy is like Jim Carrey on acid. "Worse," says Finchy. Well, certainly less funny. Closeup of Tim who forces a benevolent smile on his face.

When they're done with the fat jokes, Finchy launches on another lame guy banter issue, which is gay banter. "None so queer as folk.. or David Brent." David tries to banter back, but Finch is too fast for him. Like your least favorite schoolyard bully, he will turn everything you say against you. "Speak for yourself," says David, but he starts mumbling. "Come on, spit it out, as your boyfriend said last night," says Finchy, revelling in his own "brilliance". "I was gonna say that back at you," says David. If the moment for the comeback is gone, it's gone. Don't say you were going to say it, just leave it. "I don't have a boyfriend, you do," says Finchy. He walks ahead of David into another room. "Ah, god.. Finchy!" says David, still grinning like an idiot. He looks at Tim for a moment as if he's expecting a huge laugh from him. Tim is still smiling in a forced way as he walks away. The boss is gone, Tim. You can drop the act and roll your eyes at the camera now. Actually, if he did that, David would see it on the documentary. So nevermind. Smile, Tim, smile for your life.

After a Boring Employee Montage - a BEM, if you will - David and Finchy enter the break room - only it doesn't seem like the same one the employees usually sit in. It looks a lot bigger and there's a bulletin board with, among other things, a picture of a woman in scanty clothing, the trademark of a workplace with guys. The trademark of a workplace with nothing BUT guys is, of course, a picture of a woman with nothing on. Finch shakes Ricky's hand like the gentleman he isn't and tells him he heard about Blockbusters, and he's gonna "need more than that tonight". Yeah, because a small regional office quiz is so much bigger than a national quiz show. "I heard about Dostoyevski, and I read a book a week, so..." So what? It's so pathetic that
a) David told him about the Dostoyevski thing, and
b) that Finchy really thinks it's the frequency or quantity of reading that counts.

Dawn drops something into the bin, stooping quite near to Finchy's pants, so he has to joke about it: "While you're down there, love.." That's gross. Dawn just looks indignant and walks away. David grins and tells the others it's harmless. Is it? I think it's sexual harrassment, actually. Finchy says something about being "up to me nuts in guts" if he spent half an hour with Dawn. Eww. Tim calls him on his bullshit right away, and asks him what types of books he reads. David says it's science and nature books, "everything on the trivia subjects.. in books.." So he prepares for the tiny office quiz all year round? That's sad. Also, Dostoyevsky and trivia? Not the same thing at all. Keith looks on, chewing gum or something. He manages to bring something into the blank stare, even if he's not even saying anything. David stupidly remarks that Tim and Ricky haven't "read a book between them, college boys." Hey, college is all about reading books. I read 1000 pages for one particular history test. Finchy predictably thinks students are a waste of space: "Oo, I don't do anything all day, but oo, I need more money to do it..." Oo, I'm Chris Finch! I'm stuck in a boring paper merchant job and I envy students because they're actually going to have opportunities in life! David laughs like a girl and says, "Political..." I love how he uses one adjective to sum something up. Especially when it's the wrong one. Ricky remarks that he worked when he was in college, but Finchy has to have the last word, no matter how lame: "Yeah, right. And what was your job? Professor in charge of watching Countdown every day?" That doesn't even make any sense. David laughs stupidly again. They are so Big Dog and Me-Too. "Clever AND funny, I bloody hate him," says David and pretends to punch Finchy. "That's why I get along with him." Right. Or maybe it's just because you're the only one who will laugh at his lame jokes? Finchy has yet to show any signs of intelligence, so maybe his IQ of 142 was achieved by cheating in the IQ test. "Similar," adds David after a moment of silence. Yeah. Their humor is equally bad, for sure. Only Finchy's is meaner.

Season 1, Episode 3, Part 2: "Large Inflatable Cock"

I've never noticed how many obscenities this show has. All the gifts they give each other are naughty novelty gifts, for one thing. What's up with that?

Lee comes in with Tim's present, which is huge. Tim shakes hands with him and seems flattered. He happily sits down on the sofa next to Dawn's desk, thanks Lee and Dawn, and opens it. It's, well, a large inflatable cock. Tim's reaction is hard to read. He doesn't look altogether amused by the gift, and maybe he's thinking of what his parents will say when he comes home with a huge inflatable cock. He also says what the gift is out loud, and as they said on Seinfeld once, if you say the name of the gift, you don't like it. Try it yourself. “Ah... a pair of socks! Striped! How nice!” Dawn asks if Tim already has one, and Tim says you can never have too many. Dawn asks if he'd rather have had money, but Tim says he would have gotten an inflatable penis anyway. He's cute.

Sadly, David and Gareth show up, and David shows juvenile excitement over the cock. He grabs it and starts making lame jokes. “Exsperminate!” Lamely and nonsensically, he continues with: “Hello, Austin Powers! I'm the naked Mini-Me!” That's gross. Mini-Me was a midget – or a dwarf? See episode six – and to imply he looked like a cock is... Well, leave it to David to come up with size-racist stuff like that. Even if we all know he thinks of himself as Austin Powers. “Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town...” he says and puts the cock on his forehead. “Dickhead,” says Gareth weakly. Very creative. So are David's puns though. “Ringo Starr, Whose Line is it Anyway,” says David. I didn't get the reference, but whatever. It's probably not funny in this context anyway. Gareth finally gets a chance to hold the cock, but can't think of anything. He tries to come up with something, but David says, “Don't grab it unless you've got one ready, cos it slows you down”, as if he's coaching Gareth in standup comedy now. He can't think of anything new to say himself though, just holds the cock on the appropriate place on his body and says, “Ahh.. that is brilliant.” You or the cock? Actually, either way: No it's not. “Happy birthday,” David tells Tim, as if he cares. “Remember: You're only as old as the woman you feel.” See? He was just saying it to set up a joke. A lame one. He giggles inanely. Gareth says he uses that phrase sometimes. David calls it his own catchphrase and tells Gareth that he doesn't mind “influencing the other comedian... You're not a comedian..” Neither are you, David. He wants credit for his catchphrases. I think that falls into the category of “Don't think of me as your boss, but know that I am”. And seriously – who credits others for catchphrases? Especially since David so did not come up with that one. He lists others that he supposedly thought of: “Same shit, different day”, “Exqueese me”. Tim suggests, “Wank you very much”. David says he thought of that one and he sometimes tells a waitress that. Gross. He giggles again. Dawn looks like she thinks David is really sad. And she probably does. David makes up a new one, “witnesses that I started this one”, he says and points at the others. I don't think anyone else will want credit for this: “I'm not saying he's unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come up sucking his own thumb.” Brilliant, David. I wonder if the writers are trying to make a point about dirty jokes being lame, coming to think of it. Hardly any dirty jokes on the show are funny, and they're usually made by the characters with the lesser sense of humor. Gareth says, “I thought you suck knobs.” “Do ya?” says David and giggles some more. Dawn, Lee, and Tim are just sitting there looking bored, and in Dawn's case, quite shocked at the sheer stupidity of the two “comedians”. Tim looks into the camera smiling rather fakely and lifting his eyebrows as if to say, “What can you do?” “They're cracking up,” says David. They keep joking, but we move on to a David interview, thank goodness.

“Yeah, there are limits to my comedy,” he says. Can't say I disagree there. He says he would never laugh at the handicapped, “because there's nothing funny about them.” He says sometimes healthy people will look at the handicapped and think, “Oh look at him! He's not able-bodied! I am! I'm prejudiced.” I love that fake quote, especially “I'm prejudiced”. Because who thinks they're prejudiced? David goes on to say that “the little handicapped fellow” - patronizing much? - is at least “able-minded”. But he ruins even this condescending point by adding that it's hard to tell when someone's in a wheelchair, so you should just be nice to them all. Really, I think David would come off much more open-minded if he didn't try and convince the viewers of how open-minded he really is. Smug look at the camera.

Cut to a bit later, it seems. Dawn comes up to some co-workers' desks and tells them not to forget Tim's birthday, and that they could go down to the pub and have a drink. David, who's looming nearby avoiding work as usual, hears this and tells her not tonight, because it's quiz night. Dawn asks him when it starts, and David says, “Seven. Always.” as if everyone alive should know this. Dawn says they can have drinks at six then. Dawn's a good friend – or more than a friend? - for Tim. David, however, doesn't really care about his birthday. When Dawn asks him if he'd like her to get Tim a card, David just says, “Whatever.” He really cares about the co-workers. He also feels the need to mention, once again, that Finchy's coming down. He's like a 12-year-old waiting for his cool older cousin to visit. Dawn and David have a little battle over the last word, as he keeps repeating “starts at seven” and she keeps adding “drinks at six”. Angela smiles at Dawn and works at her desk dutifully. She's usually shown working and being meek and friendly. I kind of like her. I seem to notice all the secondary characters more this time around. I never paid attention to them before.

The number bods are working, looking bored like always. Ricky's sitting with them. David comes in and asks if they're studying for the quiz. I don't think anyone cares about the quiz other than David and Finchy. David asks if the three accountants – Keith, Sheila, and another female employee – are a team again. He seems like they're not much of a threat for his vast knowledge. He asks Ricky if he's gonna join. Ricky says it's not his first time. He laughs a bit self-consciously and says he was on Blockbusters. David seems a bit put off by this. He tries to belittle Ricky's achievement by saying if he was one of two contestants, that's cheating. Ricky says it was just him. David asks what he won. Ricky says he won “two gold rounds – camping equipment, walkman”. David says he usually gets five rounds right. What, while watching the quiz? Ricky seems dubious and says you have to really know a lot to get five rounds. David asks Ricky to give him one of the questions in his quiz, “fingers on the buzzers”, he says and looks around to see if anyone's laughing. The camera doesn't move, but I think I can safely assume no one is. Ricky's question is: “Which Y had a hit single “The Only Way is Up” and sang with the Plastic Population?” David immediately says Yazoo. Ricky says it's Yazz. David starts saying that he thought of Yazz and said Yazoo by mistake, but Ricky counters that he wouldn't have gotten a point for that. “I wouldn't have said that on Blockbusters,” claims David. Right, because this was just for fun and if he really were on the show, he'd suddenly know things he doesn't know now. He wants to give Ricky a question of his own, but doesn't come up with anything. He stops to think for a loong time. Ricky asks if he needs a hand, but he doesn't, of course.

Dawn is trying on Tim's HatFM. They flirtatiously talk about the hat and how Dawn could have it on weekends. Joint custody? Are they ready for that?

Back at Ricky's desk, David is still thinking of something to ask. He's sitting in this position with his mouth open and his arms up, just like he's ready to say it any minute, but really you know he's just not thinking of anything and he tries to buy some time. Ricky says this is gonna take too long, and David stutters that he had an idea , “It was gonna be 'What D...' and the answer was gonna be Dostoyevski.” That's sad. He can't even think of any of the novels? Ricky suggests, “What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel Crime and Punishment?” David dumbly asks Ricky if he would have gotten it. David, he thought of the question! Ricky jokes that he would have guessed. David says you don't get points for guessing. What? You do get points for guessing if you guess right. “Unlucky,” he says to Ricky and smiles like an idiot, his ego apparently soothed. Ricky sighs deeply when he finally leaves. Great boss, interrupting people's work to "entertain" them.

Season 1, Episode 3, Part 1: "Tim's Birthday"

Part 1: “Tim's Birthday”

We open on an empty office. It's early in the morning. Joan is working, which I did find realistic, because cleaning staff usually comes before or after the other employees. Tim is already at his desk. He voice-overs that he is thirty today, and his Mom got him up really early to give him his present. That sounds kind of rude. I would have told her to wait until I've had my sleep. Overall, I feel really sorry for Tim in this episode. Imagine having to work on your birthday, get up extra early, and after that, having to go to the pub for the office quiz. I doubt anyone dreams of spending their birthday with David Brent. Tim introduces his present, saying how he loves ballet, the novels of Proust and the films by Alain Delon. And that's why his Mom got him.. HatFM, a lame blue cap with a radio in it. It's actually pretty cute, as far as novelty gifts go, and Tim seems to think so too, he just seems amused by it. “I think it's a pretty sweet present,” he says. He looks cute with the hat on, maybe because his style is otherwise so low-key.

David is already in his office. He tells the camera he's calling Finchy to make sure he'll be there in time for the quiz. He smirks widely as he tells us they've won six years in a row. Oo, might the writers be setting things up for his first failure in the quiz? On the phone, Finchy makes a joke, so David repeats it to the camera: “What's black and slides down Nelson's column? - Winnie Mandela?! Oh yeah, that's good, no, it's not racist, is it?” Noo, not at all. How could that be racist? David gets flustered and starts babbling, “It's because she's black and Nelson's column because he's.. and she's married, so it's not even, ok, bye, see ya.” Don't make it worse by explaining the meaning of “nelson's column”. And “she's married”, as if that makes the joke more acceptable. David's knowledge of Nelson Mandela is, of course, limited, as we will learn in the Christmas special. But for now he only looks at the camera kind of embarrassed, then takes a more confident pose and smiles, probably thinking of the quiz.

Joan asks Tim what he's doing there so early, “shit the bed?” Tim jokes that he hasn't done that in weeks and tells her it's his birthday. Joan congratulates him and asks what his Mom got him. Tim tries to tilt his head to signal the hat, but then has to give her a clue: “Something you can wear?” Then she finally gets it – after thinking a bit. As if Tim walks around with the hat on every day. It's like coming to the office with a wild new hairdo and no one even noticing.

Sheila and Keith come into the office. Gareth walks in, looking at the camera a bit self-consciously. Malcolm and Dennis set up at their desk. Malcolm is staring out the window as if he's thinking, “Another day wasted at the office...Oh well, only [X] years til retirement.” Phones start ringing.

Dawn comes in and gives Tim a birthday card. It has a childish balloon theme in the front. “That's all in order,” says Tim. Inside the card, it says: “What's the difference between your wages and your penis? I could find lots of women who will blow your wages.” Lame. Dawn giggles at it, but Tim doesn't seem all that amused by it. The worst part of birthdays is the stupid joke cards. Half of them are dirty and the other half are all “Ha ha, look how old you are”. David comes to Tim's desk and tells the camera, “Lock up your daughters..Finchy's on his way in for the quiz. Chris Finch.” Yes, you mention him most every day, people will remember who he is. David is giggling childishly, as always, and asks Gareth for confirmation. Gareth just says “yeah”, because yeah, Finchy's coming, but so what?

Then David says the documentary crew can keep about 20 % of the material they shoot of him and Finch. I think they wanna keep it all in – they want embarrassing moments. “Innit, Gareth?” he says again. “Yeah,” says Gareth quietly. See, David, you and Finchy is fun for you and Finchy, not others. And it would be normal to act like this at 15 years old – I'm sure I bragged about how funny my best friend and I can be when we get going, but in reality it was always just the two of us giggling childishly and everyone else looking annoyed. At least at my age, ten years younger than David, I realize that inside jokes are inside jokes. David looks at Tim and says lamely, “...hat...” He's that guy who notices glaring differences with people, but isn't that interested in knowing why they're there. It's not a question, just an observation. I don't think he'd ever compliment Dawn on a nice dress or new hairdo. Speaking of which, Dawn has her hair in braids today and it looks really cute. She might have wanted to look a bit cuter than usual because of Tim's birthday. Dawn tells David it's Tim's birthday and David just kind of goes, “Oh yeah...” but they don't show him congratulating Tim. Maybe he just doesn't.

David interviews about how the documentary crew is crazy to let him and Finchy on TV. He says they're like “Morecombe & Wise”. I've never seen their stuff but I can imagine they're comedians. But then he says they're not really, “cos there's no straight man, so there's no dead wood.” OK, I can see what the writers are doing here. David has no concept of comedy. He has no idea what is funny and why, and that's why he thinks a straight man is dead wood. The straight man is, of course, absolutely necessary in good comedy. The straight man represents the viewer and balances the wackiness of the other guy. If he isn't there, it's not as funny. Of course David wouldn't know this. He's the dumb silly character, while Tim is the straight man.

Hilariously, he starts explaining how his and Finchy's humor is different: “I'm sort of a more character..based.. and he's more of a gag man.” Character based? He does impressions of characters made by others. That's not character based, that's just lame and unimaginative. “I do gags as well, but you know..good together..by now. We're just reading each other's minds and then we start cracking up, and people go, 'Why is that funny?' and we tell them and they go, 'Oh yeah yeah yeah...You are the best.'” So they have to explain their comedy to people? Because they, um, read each other's minds? So it's more like telepathic humor, I guess. Not at all because it's bad and makes no sense to anyone but them. If you have to tell people why something is funny, it isn't funny. Or they're just too dumb to get it, but I think in this case the possibility for that is rather slim. Of course people feel compelled to laugh when you're already laughing, or they'd hurt your feelings. I think almost all the “laughs we have in the office” happen because of that. That's a really sad kind of laughter. It's not even a “sad clown” laughter, it's just... well, actually it is, if David is the sad clown. David adds, “Their opinion,” as if a fake quote from vague “people” is some kind of scientific proof that he is in fact funny, and also, he's not bragging at all, because it's other people who say it. Right. I dunno about you, but he really convinced me.

Now we see David coming to Tim and saying, “Happy birthday, by the way.” It's like he forgot to congratulate Tim and came back to say it as an afterthought, but today is really about him and the quiz. David tells him 30 – of course he has to add “the big three-oh” - is the worst, because you think your life is rubbish and you haven't achieved anything. He admits to thinking it on his 30^th birthday, “but...” he points at the office around him as if his life had vastly improved. Really, when he was 30, he was probably doing Tim's job. And when you think about it, he isn't that far ahead now. It's not like he's the vice president at Harrod's. He adds that it could be worse: his neighbour, Kelvin – he seems to find the name a bit amusing - “is 32 and still lives with his parents”. Followed by a giggle, which soon dies as Tim admits to living with his parents. David switches straight to, “Cherish them, because you will miss them when they're not around.” He switches the topic to his own life, because he's David and can't help but. He says both of his parents are dead, but then corrects that his Dad is in a home, "so as good as”. You can add ageism and healthism to David's many prejudices, if he thinks being sick and old is as good as dead. He tells Tim that he got a call from the home one night, 3 am, because his father thought there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of “Debenham's”. Gareth says that's a good spot, “That's where I'd be if I had to take someone out. That lived there.” Coming from anyone else, that would be really creepy. But with Gareth, you know that's just one of his many military daydreams. Also - what kind of a home calls a family member at 3 am just to inform them that their demented parent is having a hallucination? If you call at that hour, it had better be an emergency, and I don't think that qualifies. The reason he's in a home is that the nurses will handle situations like that, right? David claims he went there to convince his Dad there was no one on the roof. So – he got up at 3 am, even if he had to work at 9 am the next morning. And he drove to his Dad's nursing home just to tell him there was no sniper on the roof? And only he could convince his Dad, who he just called “as good as dead”? I strongly doubt David's story. Gareth, of course, doesn't. He asks instead who was up on the roof. David actually has to tell him it was the fathe'rs imagination. Gareth says that's lucky, because if there was a sniper, you couldn't see him. “He'd be like.. oh, no one there...” He makes an explosion sound and a hand movement that mimicks a person's brain coming out of their skull. That was disgusting. He acts like my brothers did when they were ten. The lack of intellect, the whole army obsession, the gross details... He's mentally ten. David closes with a rather depression conclusion: “Anyway, he is a vegetable now, and that's something we've all got to look forward to. So... happy birthday.” He pats Tim in the back. If that's his birthday wish, I don't want to hear his.. eulogy.. to his dead father.. OK, that joke turned out a bit David-esque. I think he's rubbing off on me. Tim looks at the camera with a smile on his face, like he's just trying to see the bright side, but his birthday is off to a rather depressing start.

Season 1, Episode 2, Part 5: "Who Was It?"

Gareth has summoned Dawn and Tim into the Investigation and Meeting Room. He walks around the table and sits down importantly, muttering, “You too then.. Dawn and Tim.” Dawn asks him what he wants and almost bursts out laughing while saying it, amused at his pompous behaviour. Gareth says he's “been assigned to find out who did the picture”. Tim asks him who it was. “I don't know,” Gareth says, as if he couldn't possibly know anything about it. Tim asks if he will be fired if he doesn't find out. “Well, I'm finding out now,” says Gareth. “Was it one of you two?” Dawn says sarcastically, “Yes. Christ, you're good!” Gareth takes it seriously for a moment, “Was it?!” but when Dawn says no, he claims he knew it. He just doesn't get sarcasm. I think it's a part of his general lack of sense of humor. Tim and Gareth's little debate is so cute I think I will transcribe it all.
Gareth: “I'm not gonna fire you if you know anything, because...”
Tim: “You couldn't.”
Gareth: “I could.”
Tim: “How would that work?”
Gareth: “I would say, 'You're fired, clear your desk', and...”
Tim: “I would say you don't have the authority.”
Gareth: “Not true, not true. Because in this room, I have special...”
Tim: “Needs?”
Gareth: “No. In this room, I'm a special...”
Tim: “.. needs child?”
Gareth: “No, and that's not even funny. Alright? I won't have you fired, because..”
Tim: “You couldn't.”
Gareth (dejected): “That's all.”
I love how Gareth thinks he actually has the authority to fire others, and they're not taking any of it. David didn't even want him to have the room in the first place. Dawn just watches the guys and laughs.

David's office. Jennifer can't believe the warehouse guys' “total lack of respect”. Me neither, actually. David makes matters worse by telling her they gave him the mental image of “you naked on all fours, being quite literally done.. doggy style.” David, you idiot, shut up! You don't tell people those things. Especially your boss. Gareth has come into the room during this and he looks at Jennifer quite shocked. Jennifer is pretty shocked herself that he would say such a thing. Gareth tells them to go on – does he want more details or something? Jennifer asks him curtly what he wants. Gareth says he found the person who did it. “Did you indeed,” says David happily, obviously ready to show Jennifer what a good boss he is after all.Jennifer thinks this could wait, but David says there is pornography - “SEXIST pornography, which I hate” - seriously, what other kind is there? - circulating in the office. Jennifer is surprised to hear this. David asks Gareth who it was. “Surprise surprise, it was Tim,” says Gareth. David makes a sad face. “Shame, good man,” he says, as if he had hoped it was someone who doesn't laugh at his jokes or take this bullshit, like Malcolm. Gareth says he found “these pictures” - and he takes out a cute old-fashioned floppy disk – on Tim's hard drive. He puts the disk into David's computer. David says pompously, “After investigation licensed by” - pointing at himself - “carried out by..” pointing at Gareth. That cracked me up. It's not even full sentences. Gareth shows him the pictures. “I don't want you to see this, I don't want to see this!” he tells Jennifer. Yeah, because he hates pornography, of course. “That's worse than the one before! I hope there aren't any more,” he says, and then, “There are more..” His tone seems to suggest he does want to see more. David starts a pretty nonsensical babble about how “when the disciplining starts, the laughter stops, then starts again, rehabilitation, notwithstanding..” I don't think he even knows where that's going, so he asks Gareth how he found the pictures. Gareth tells David about a little thing called “site history”, which he is about to show on David's computer, but David suspiciously takes away the mouse and says he doesn't want to know how it's done. Then he asks if you can delete site history. Jennifer gets enough of this and reminds David that they're having a meeting. David asks Gareth if there was anything else. Gareth tells him Taffy called and he has another fun video for David. Oo, busted. “Thanks,” says David and gestures him to leave. Disgusted, Jennifer tells David it's a boys' club, “seedy little men with seedy little jokes.” She says she doesn't want to repeat her experience with the warehouse guys. “Don't go to the warehouse,” says David. Oh David, it's time to shut up now. “Don't tell me where I can and can't go in my own company,” says Jennifer angrily. “You're on very thin ice as it is, you've already lied to me...” David makes a face at the camera and laughs to himself. “What's that? You lied to me because you don't have the guts to do your own job!” David tries to laugh it off, which of course is the wrong tactic, but when she tells him he's not “man enough” to do his job, he decides to show her how he disciplines Tim. He takes the disk and asks Jennifer to follow him.

They go up to Tim's desk where he's working. “Busy at work?” says David in a demanding way. “Is there a problem?” asks Tim. David shows him the disk, but Tim doesn't know what it is, and he gives a little laugh. David mimicks him and says, “A dirty picture with my head on it. As a sex object.” A sex object?! To be a sex object would require that someone wants to have sex with you, David, and I don't think I have enough imagination to picture that. David says he likes a laugh, but “porno laughs are not funny”, and he's disappointed in Tim. Is he coining new words now just for this situation? And if porno laughs aren't funny, then what was that down the warehouse? Tim asks if David thinks it was him, and David just says, “Case closed”, without even letting him defend himself. “Shouldn't I say that cos it was my investigation?” says Gareth. This isn't a detective show! You don't get to say the lines! Tim is now offended, calling Gareth “Columbo” and saying, “Hey, of course I must be guilty if you had your best man on the case!” David tries to act tough because of Jennifer and tells him to “stop trying to be funny for one second, Tim, and stop taking advantage of my good nature.” You mean your complete lack of authority and pathetic need to be liked by everybody? He threatens to fire Tim, “like every other boss in this situation”. Maybe some other bosses might have taken it with a bit of humor?

Tim tells David that it was Chris Finch, who used his computer. “He said he's your best mate and you'd find it hilarious.” David's face has frozen and he stutters, “Oh.. no, it is! Don't get, oh, that was never a question.. I think it's bloody hilarious, you're missing the point..” Well, he just said it's not funny. Dawn asks him, “Are you going to .. apologize.. to Tim?” “The thing about families is you don't have to,” says David. Oh, now it's a family again? He awkwardly plays with his tie. “Are you going to apologize to Tim?” repeats Dawn. “I HAVE, in a way,” claims David. What way? “Are you going to apologize NOW?” says Jennifer with her best boss voice. David has no choice now. He leans to Tim and forces out the quietest, tiniest “sssorry” you can think of. “You were involved as well but you covered for him, that's what I like”, he says. Huh? Dawn says he wouldn't want to be there when he tells Finchy off. “You won't be, it's not fair,” says David. Oh, it's fair for Tim though? “Nor will you,” he says to Jennifer. Malcolm asks him if he doesn't find it offensive anymore because it's Chris Finch. David says they shouldn't dwell on that and continues, “Let's stop degrading women! Let's have a laugh with them, not at them. Let's have a laugh... AT work...WITH women.. AT us!” That made absolutely no sense, plus he's making dorky hand gestures while he says it. He acts like an idiot when he's embarrassed. Jennifer tells him to fire Chris Finch. “Yeah, that's a good idea, I'll get rid of a good rep because he played the joke,” says David, but Jennifer won't have it. “David, don't even start,” she says icily. David really fell in her eyes during this episode. He realizes this, pretends to call Chris, and delivers a very bad mock telephone call: “Yeah, Chris? It's David here. Bad news, we're gonna have to let you go, we can't use you anymore.. (beat) Yeah, cos of the joke. (beat) Yeah, I've got a sense of humor, but that was offensive towards women... and I can't tolerate that.. I have to pass on...” The pauses he makes last like one second, no one would have a chance to say something between them. Also, Chris apparently immediately guesses why he's being fired, instead of saying, “What?!” like I would say if it came out of the blue like that. Jennifer, of course, realizes this and presses the “speaker phone” button. David's still blabbing when we hear a machine announce the time. “Pathetic,” says Jennifer and walks away. “Is it?” says David kind of desperately. Oh yes, David, it is. Dawn walks away with a smile on her face and goes to a filing cabinet. Gareth checks his watch, a detail I didn't notice until recently. Mackenzie Crook mentions in the documentary how that was ad libbed, because it just seemed like a Gareth thing to do. It shows he's really in character while playing Gareth. After Jennifer and David leave, Tim says, “Sorry, has anybody got the right time?” After the credits have rolled, we see Tim on the phone with his eyes closed going, “Mmm .. mm hmm..” and looking like he's going to fall asleep. His screensaver reads, “Gareth is a Benny.” I don't get it, but it still sounds funny.

Season 1, Episode 2, Part 4: "Gareth Keenan Investigates"

Tim and Dawn are going through some printouts Gareth made for the sign of 'his office', even if David told him not to make the sign. Apparently Gareth was stupid enough to not only print out every single alternative, but also leave the prints where everyone can see them. Tim introduces them to the camera while Dawn giggles at them: “Investigation Room” and “Investigation Office,” “Interrogation Room” and “Interrogation Office”. “He really lost it here”, Tim says as he lifts one that says: “ 'Quiet please!' Invetigation in process!” I love how 'quiet please' is in quotation marks. It's like the sign is quoting someone. “Silence – Interrogation! That's frightening.” The one he picked was “Investigation and Meeting Room”, which is now on the door. Tim shows us his personal favorite: “Gareth Keenan Investigates!” Hee! That's like the name of a detective show, which is probably exactly the effect Gareth was going for. How long did he spend on making these signs? He could have solved the whole “mystery” in the time it took to do that. At this point, Gareth comes out of the room and asks Tim and Dawn to keep it quiet, not noticing which papers Tim is holding. Tim asks him how the “invetigation” is going, and Gareth doesn't notice the difference, just says “Good.” Tim asks if he needs a deputy. Gareth says he already has one. Sheila comes to the door and says hi to Tim and Dawn. Sheila's the deputy? “Keep it down,” says Gareth importantly.

David and Jennifer walk down in the warehouse. There are high stacks of stuff everywhere. Jennifer says it looks scary and David shouldn't tie any more money down in the warehouse. She thinks David should fire someone else down here. David calls out to a guy, “Taffy! Taffy!” No reaction, so he says, “Glynn!” “What?” says a stocky guy in a blue overall. “We all call him Taffy,” David says to Jennifer. Yeah, that would explain why he doesn't identify with it at all. He doesn't tell the guy anything, I suppose he was only trying to say hi. He tells Jennifer how no one is dispensible, and the organization is like “one big organism, one big animal.” He says the guys down here are the hands, and the guys in the office are the mouth. “What part are you?” asks Jennifer. “Good question. Maybe the humor,” says David. Right, because animals are known for their well-developed humor organs. And humans too, for that matter. David never thinks through these things before he says them.

Investigation and Meeting room. Gareth is interrogating Donna, but what he's really doing is trying to impress her. He does it the same way David would do: by talking about himself. Show, don't tell, Gareth. He tells Donna people look at him and think, “Oo, he's tough, he was in the army, he's gonna be hard, by the book.” Sure they do! Just like all women find him hot. Gareth defines himself by his time in the territorial army, so he expects everyone else to. Which is sad, but funny. He tells Donna he's actually sensitive and caring, “Isn't Schindler's List a brilliant film?” Donna says “Yeah”, sounding a bit suspicious, as if she fears Gareth will ask her to see it at his place or something. Which he might. Gareth says people think “a strong man can't be sensitive”, and... in what way is he strong? He might have better luck with Donna if he weren't so transparent. Who says all girls want a “sensitive” guy? And isn't she gonna notice you lied when you treat her like you treat Rachel in season 2... But I'm getting ahead of myself. Donna cuts him off and asks what this is about. Gareth claims it's about the picture “of David with two blokes juicing on him.” Oo, sensitive! Donna says she thought he was sucking one of them. Gareth shows him that it's really just juicing. That was really necessary. Donna says she didn't do it. Gareth says he's happy they had this little talk. He continues, “Don't think of me as your boss...” “You're not,” says Donna. Hee! Gareth claims he is, and offers her this oxymoron: “Don't think of me as a boss, but know that I am.” I think he does want her to think of him as a boss. Donna says, “I don't think you are.” Gareth insists that since he is team leader, he is. His phone rings, and for the third time he picks it up without looking. Gareth, you are just begging for this! He tells Tim, “Alright, now seriously, just stop it.” How about you stop falling for it first? He gathers himself a bit and looks back at Donna, smiling. Donna looks back with a pitying look on her face and then looks out the window of the room. I feel sorry for Donna. Well, I feel sorry for anyone working with Gareth, really.

Gareth interviews that he's had many office romances - “not here”, he quickly adds, in case the crew might check it from the other employees. “Good-looking ones, as well.” But he's not really into office romances, “it's like shitting on your own doorstep.” Lovely simile there, very sensitive again. He claims many people wanted a romance with him at this workplace, but it's “distracting.” Right. That's the only reason he won't do it with Donna. He manages to show his homophobia in a completely unrelated note about how gay men shouldn't be allowed in the army, not that he has a problem with that, but in a battle situation, they might look at him and think, “Oo, he looks tasty in his uniform!” Tasty?? And I'm sure there are better-looking guys in the army than Gareth. This reminds me of something a gay friend once told me. When he told his straight friend he's gay, the friend was surprised that he was so good at “hiding it” in locker rooms and such. I guess he hadn't considered that gays do not automatically get turned on by every guy they hang out with. Gareth tries to show how non-homophobic he is by listing names from his record collection: “Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys.. they're all bummers!”

Warehouse. Men are watching a video of Lee's dog “shagging” someone else's dog. They're laughing heartily. Jennifer turns to Glyn and tells him that there will be cutbacks, but he only points at the TV and laughs. David is laughing with the guys, not realizing that he might sensitively tell them to listen to the boss. Jennifer remains polite and apologizes for the interruption. He asks about losing more staff, “I know you already lost Julie Anderton.” “I've never heard of her,” says Glyn. David says she opened a can of worms there, “Oh loyalty, when someone goes from this organization they no longer exist.” How is that loyalty? That's the opposite of loyalty. Jennifer realizes she's been lied to. David tries to play it off by saying, “You backed me into a corner and I had..to say..” He's so unprofessional. He acts like a schoolboy at the principal's office, making excuses. Glyn tells them to go back upstairs, because they're busy. Is this how he talks to his boss? “You don't look busy,” says Jennifer angrily. “Do you want me to get busy, love?” says Glyn. He suggests Jennifer sleep with his dog and the guys laugh. Does this kind of thing actually happen? Doesn't he know that she could fire him? Don't they have sexual harrassment cases in the UK? So weird. Jennifer wants a word with David right away, and she walks off angrily. “That was out of order in a way,” says David quietly. In a way? The guys just laugh at him for being busted. An older guy tells him Jennifer needs “a good shagging”. David just laughs and says he might have to now. The warehouse guys are just gross.