Christmas Specials, part 7: "Perks of the Job"

David walks into Gareth's office. Is this still the same visit or another one? He opens a closed door without knocking, since he obviously still owns the place. "Heyy, the man himself," David says and gives the good old male "slap my paw" greeting to Finchy, who, to his credit, seems genuinely happy to see David and says "Brentmeister" with some affection. David slaps Gareth's hand, a brotherly greeting, perhaps a bit condescending considering Gareth's the boss now. Neil holds out his hand but David doesn't grab it or even make eye contact, so Neil has to draw the hand back. Classy. You could just treat him like a person even if you do hate him, David.

Finchy asks how "life on the road" is going. David insinuates that there are "a few perks, aren't there." He grins to the guys as if he's having lots and lots of sex all the time. You're not fooling anyone, David. "What sort of perks?" asks Neil, because he either wants to point out that he doesn't believe David, or he just can't imagine anything sexual concerning him. "Use your imagination! Young, free and single - motels!" He makes a sort of car brake screeching noise before "motels". Well, single, OK, but young and free? "What, girls?" asks Gareth, who's smart enough to get the obvious hint, but not smart enough to not point it out. David tells him not to be "so blatant about it." Hee. "Isn't that what you meant?" asks a confused Gareth. "Don't try to work out if I meant something or not, it's an innuendo!" laughs David. But don't you make innunendos so that people can work it out? Obviously he never has sex and doesn't want to be too specific, because he'd get caught lying.

David says Finchy knows what he's talking about; "You don't know, you're stuck behind a desk," he tells Neil belittlingly. Neil says he wouldn't anyway, since he's getting married. Finchy congratules him, seeming genuinely happy. The camera zooms in on David's face, and he suddenly looks like he just bit on some very sour grapes. He pretends to care who it is, and Neil happily tells the camera that his wife-to-be is named Rebecca, and they've been together for six years. His face lights up just thinking about her, which is cute. David reluctantly asks when the wedding is set. "Not until next year," says Neil. David gives a childish giggle, like a reflex. "I'll be bloody married by then," he says smugly. "Who to?" Neil asks, surprised. "All I'm saying is, year is a long time," says David. Did Neil say it's gonna be a year, or that he's getting married next year, since it's December now, so do the math, David. Neil asks if David is seeing anyone. "Grandad," says David as if dating is for old people and he's still young free and single and having fun. "Of course he's not," says Finchy meanly. "Of course I AM!" David hurries to defend himself. He says he doesn't commit to anyone, which is at least true.

Neil shows a picture of Rebecca, which isn't shown to the camera. Finchy, of course, calls her a "stunner" and David, of course, calls him a sexist because the cameras are there. Trying to find something negative to say, David says, "I prefer something a little more intellectual." So he calls Finchy sexist for calling a woman beautiful, yet he falls right into the trap of "beautiful=unintelligent", and thinks it's OK to say that on camera. Typical David. Neil points out that Rebecca is a doctor. Finchy teases him that he never sees women like that "not without a staple through her stomach", and I must admit it took me a while to get the joke. Just shows how innocent and virginal I am. Finchy makes a cheek-swabbing gesture I dont' fully get. Is that meant to be wanking? Eww. Neil laughs meanly, because he's getting some kindf o comeuppance.

As a further sign that Neil sometimes stoops to Finchy's level, he asks David if he's bringing any of his "chicks" - said sarcastically - to the Christmas party. David, cornered, stupidly nods his head, and Neil asks if he needs two tickets then. David nods again and says,"One for me, one for definitely a woman." Hee! Definitely. "See you then, wiith a ladyy," he says drawlingly. Neil knows full well he's bluffing and is only waiting for the day he gets to laugh in David's face at last. Which is kinda low of him, but I can't say I blame him really.

David interview. "Yeah, I've got girlfriends - on and off. They come and go." This kind of thing would be impossible to disprove, so you can freely lie to the camera about having a bunch of superficial relationships that your family and friends never saw because they were just so short. The interviewer asks when his last actual relationship was. David finds a way to idiotically dock the question: "I don't look at it as when, I look at it as who and why." He pauses and looks at the camera to show that he's a deep kinda guy who cares about who he goes out with, and why, not when he went out with them last or whatever. I'm wondering if David ever had an actual girlfriend. On the one hand, he'd have wanted to have a "free" youth with no strings attached; on the other hand, he's not attractive or smart enough to attract a bunch of women all the time. I'm sure he's had sex, but with whom and why? That is the question.

David says that his approach with girlfriends - "or girl stroke friends or whatever you wanna label them" - is a lot like this fictional dialogue: "That was fun, can we do it again tomorrow? Can't tomorrow, doing something else then. What are you doing? -Back off. Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies." He smiles smugly, as if that's really witty and makes him a man's man. Which I guess it would if it were true, because the prerequisite for being a man's man in the eyes of other men is basically being a jerk. He says he's not "browsing" for a relationship, and adds jokingly that he's got the money, but he's waiting for a good bargain. "That's a metaphor, I'd NEVER pay for it," he adds quickly and glances at the camera with concern. Heee. It's like his joke about Dawn in the Motivational Speech episode. Or his "I would and I have" comment when Finchy told him he wouldn't score in a whorehouse. So I conclude he has paid for it once or twice. This distracts him, and he seems to do a "where was I?" look at the interviewer. I love how he always gets distracted explaining that he didn't mean things literally, even if it's obvious from the context.