Christmas Specials, part 5: "Record Sales"

New at Brentisms: the links to the side actually work now! Do check them out if you haven't already seen them. They're as funny as the show, since they're written by GervaisMerchant. Back to the special.

We move back to David and Gareth. David is sitting in the chair where Gareth used to sit, and Gareth is in David's place. The camera is closer to David, and he's talking to it as if he's the host of the show. As he always imagined himself to be, I'm sure. David says that there's been a change of title. Gareth isn't called General Manager; "I was sort of omnipotent, this is a much more watered down version." Omnipotent? How many omnipotent people get fired? Hee. But wait a minute - was David general manager? Wasn't he regional manager to Gareth's assistant regional manager?

Gareth says it was because of David who sued Wernham Hogg for being fired. Sued them. For being fired because of incompetence. I'd love to hear what he used as an excuse. Discrimination based on his looks? No, that won't do since he is actually not good-looking. Maybe he sued them because he got fired for being a man. Or being white. Well, he doesn't say what his case was based on, but he does smugly note that he won, and I do think GervaisMerchant are making commentary on modern law suits. Either way, David got a settlement. "Wasted most of it though," Gareth says. "Tell them what you spent it on." What an idiot. Maybe David puts up with this bullshit because he knows Gareth has a right to ask him to leave and/or bar him from the office, and he couldn't take that.

"I released my own single," David says. Interestingly, he didn't bring this up before, so obviously he thinks it's a big flop. David wouldn't not bring up a success if he ever had one, remembering how he blew up the whole motivational speech thing. But when Gareth laughs and says he "didn't even get into the top 100", David immediately hits him back with a "Good! Didn't wanted to! Next!" He should really come up with a new way of dealing with disappointment. It's a bit obvious. The interviewer asks how much it cost. David fuddles that he had to pay for everything - the studio time, the printing costs - but pressed on it, he admits it came to 42,000 pounds. Gareth, off camera, giggles and David glances at him, looking concerned. He's quick to add that that's not counting the money he made when he sold the single, one pound for every single, because "I've got my own record label, Juxtaposition Records" - pregnant pause and look at the camera to let it sink in. Hee! I'm sure it's a very successful record label, with lots of prominent artists.

He hopes it would end there, on a high note, but no such luck as the interviewer asks him how many he sold. He mumbles something incoherent while touching up his tie. "Excuse me?" "One hundred and fifty," David says clearly. So he made 150 pounds. And he lost - 42,000 pounds. Maybe he should have made a demo and offered it to a record company instead? Gareth meanly points out that he only sold it to friends and family, who bought it to support him, and he bought five himself. "You bought them for your mates," says David. "They're still in the garage," says Gareth. Now, on camera, he'll admit that just to make David look bad. So low. David doesn't know how to react to it while still saving face, so he makes a face that looks amused or belittling, "Whatever." Poor David.

We cut to the video, which is brilliant. It's a good parody of the bland ballad genre in that it could be from a real, albeit cheap and lame, music video. It's subtle and if I saw it on a music channel without knowing David Brent, I probably wouldn't think it's a parody. With a closer look, however, it's difficult to take it seriously. It's difficult to recap a music video, but a few pointers:

-It's obviously shot in some kind of abandoned factory or other huge stone building that doesn't look anything like a modern apartment. Sure, they've thrown in a few lamps, a sofa and an armchair, as well as some kind of Oriental religious statue (!), but it doesn't exactly look inhabited. For one thing, the bookshelf is empty. For another, the white curtains everywhere look like the cheapest thing they could throw together in such a short time to somehow dress it as a "home".

-He releases a white dove from a balcony. I've seen this before in a British parody show, so it must be some British 80's video that had this scene, but I don't think I've seen it myself.

-He looks at the picture of his (ex?) girlfriend, a picture set against a white background, with a really ridiculous portrait of a woman laughing with her mouth open, wearing the exact same clothes she wears in a scene where they fight. There's something so obviously fake about that photo, and it cracks me up that it's the only object in the empty bookshelf.

-David's singing is totally different from the Freelove Freeway stuff - raspy, throaty stuff that doesn't sound anything like his real voice. He's obviously straining to sound really masculine, and it just comes out as ridiculous. Extra points for slouching in an armchair and looking sadly at the statue. He's also wearing all white. And he's barefoot, which looks ridiculous in this setting. You know, if it resembled a modern apartment in any way, maybe it'd look natural, but now? Bwah!

-I love how it says "Courtesy Juxtaposition Records", as if that's even a real record company with real copyright claims. All they need is David's permission.

The song is a very typical lame ballad of the boyband variety. David himself sings the harmonies, of course. It's not as preposterous as the songs he sang in Training Day, but it has some pretty bad lines: "Girl, I know the difference / between right and wrong / I ain't gonna do nothing / to break up our happy home /Oh don't get so excited /I get home a little late at night / cos we always act like children / when we argue for some fight." The point of the song seems to be that she was wrong and he was right, and she shouldn't make such a fuss about stuff. Yeah, sounds like David alright. "I aint' gonna do nothing"? Hee.

I'm trying to figure out what Juxtaposition Records is a reference to - the juxtaposition of David and Gareth's new status? But no, that's more like a reversal. The juxtaposition between David's old life of small-scale success and his new life of failure?

The song cuts off abruptly and we move to the office, where Oliver is working at his desk. Cut to Neil, who hasn't changed one bit, coming in and talking to the new receptionist whose name escapes me and I'm too lazy to check. I keep thinking Pam, but that must be from the American Office. David's advanced to Oliver's desk and is keeping up a rather tedious monologue about how "white middle-class fuddy-duddies" - hee! - are looking in the wrong place: "Dr Dre, Ice-T - they're the equivalent of Wordsworth!" OK, that argument isn't actually as lame as it sounds, and I know it's been said by people smarter than David. Rap lyrics can be brilliant. The real joke is, of course, that David still hasn't gotten over his embarrassment over the racist joke thing, and he has to prove to Oliver that he's cool with the black peeps, yo.

Neil shows up, asking David cordially how he's doing. David seems to see this as some kind of insult, as he starts to list what he's doing: working hard and doing "celebrity appearances, 500 quid a time, so...I think I'm doing alright." He giggles again, because he hates Neil. Then he asks how Neil is doing, as if he cares, and he makes a face at the employees when Neil says he's OK. So rude and, really, weird if you didn't know their personal history. Neil, obviously peeved, asks if he's keeping the employees from their work. Oliver is thinking, "YES! Please ask him to leave, pleease!" but since he's off camera, I have no way of verifying that. "No, it's a morale boost. They're loving it, look at their faces!" David says and giggles childishly. The camera pans to show us Keith's blank, slightly puzzled stare and Sheila looking at David blankly, perhaps even a bit annoyed. "I can see that. Don't overexcite them," says Neil sarcastically and leaves. He's a bit of a prick to David in the final scenes, but he's trying to be nice here, and seems genuinely dejected that David still acts like such a jerk to him.

After Neil leaves, David acts like asking how he's doing was so rude: "He knows bloody well how I'm doing! .. I'm lucky." He giggles tensely and Oliver turns away from him. How is David lucky, in any meaning of the word? I guess he means he's a celebrity now and Neil's just a lowly executive, even if it's obvious he doesn't really think that.

A car, I want to say paused because I keep pausing my DVD, parked next to the highway. Inside, David's eating a store-bought sandwich. The interviewer, who's on the backseat, asks him, "Do you resent Neil?" David asks, "The man or the boss?" in a voice that I'm sure he thinks sounds very masculine and deep, even if the question is idiotic - he doesn't even know Neil the man that well, and Neil isn't his boss anymore. "Either," says the interviewer, obviously realizing the question is just evading the point. "Neither. Next," says David and looks over his shoulder as if it's a brilliant comeback to an attacking question. The next question is whether David misses the office environment. "I am in the office environment. If you have a mobile phone" - he takes his phone and shows it to the interviewer without looking at her, holding it at the end of his fingers, thus making it look both like a massive effort and like he's very patient to correct her false, silly assumption that an office environment takes an actual office - "you're in the office environment." Uh, OK. I guess all teenagers are in the office then, and even at home you're in the office if you have a mobile phone. Nevermind that many people don't even have any other phone anymore, it's strictly business with mobiles. Duly noted.

He tells us an example, how he could be "going 70 miles an hour plus..." Then he remembers he's on TV and corrects to the camera: "70 miles an hour tops," which makes it really obvious. Of course he was bragging about driving really fast and talking on the phone because he's that kinda guy. Except when the cops are around. "And I can pull over safely," he continues to lie and claims he could call his secretary - who must be fictional and whose name is Paula - and ask her to fax important papers. What important papers? He sells cleaning equipment! The interviewer, obviously a smart lady, asks him if he has a fax machine in the car. He backpedals that he could find a fax machine and call her, saying, "I'm in the Ramada Inn, Reading, look it up." Not really the same thing, is it David? The interviewer doesn't point that out as David mumbles some words, plays with his tie and then grabs the sandwich again. He takes a big bite, apparently just to stop himself from putting his foot in his mouth again. After all, sandwiches taste better than feet.