An anonymous hallway somewhere. David walks through the door and along the hallway with Ray and Jude. Their pecking order is clear: Ray first, then David, then Jude - whatever happened to ladies first? Jude really comes off as the less dominating one of the Jude and Ray duo - and then Dawn, far behind them. None of them bother to look back and see if she's OK, and they don't hold the door open for her, either. Harsh. I wonder if Ray and Jude even realize she's with David? The bag seems to be quite heavy for Dawn. Ray says there will be two groups today, both from Reading.
Bored-looking employees are getting seated in the conference room. They're chatting with each other casually. I really wouldn't be too excited by 4 speakers in an hour, all of them veritable jargon-spewing machines. Well, at least David will bring the funny. The unintentional funny, but that's still funny. In a small back room, Ray tells David that the other speakers have given speeches before, so David's going on last. David acts like he isn't even listening. He's punching the air and making childish sound effects with his mouth. He punches really close to Ray's face in slow motion and obviously thinks this is very cool. Ray looks disturbed by it and tries to keep calm and professional. It isn't easy with David. "I love being backstage," David says. Backstage? Um, they're in the back room of some really boring workplace much like his own. At this point, if Ray were a bit more assertive and/or he had any idea what was coming, he could have given David a little speech about taking this seriously, because it's a professional motivational speech, not some standup comedy act.
Ray asks if it's OK to take a photo of David for their website. "You gonna take a light reading?" asks David and glances at the lamps above his head. Ray shows the yellow cheap-looking camera and says it should be OK. Hee! David is acting like, not only is he backstage, it's his backstage. Ray and Jude are journalists and photographers who want to take photos of David the rock star. That's very obvious from his poses, which are so hard to describe in writing, but I'll give it a shot. Ray turns to go to the other side of the room and David takes a pose. Ray turns back to him with his camera ready, but as the camera pans to David, we see he's taken a pose where one of his feet - with sneakers on - is on the table, he's resting his elbow on his knee, and he has his thumb and forefinger on his chin. He looks so dorky like that. And on a closer look, I realize his other hand has the fingers strecthed out on his side. That looks even more posey and fake. David, it's just a headshot for a website! But his poses get worse and worse as Ray suggests he be himself, "you know, a bit more relaxed." Again, the camera goes to Ray and then back to David, who's lying on the table on his stomach, with his hand in his elbows and one of his feet in the air! It's the least relaxed pose you could think of, and the position and his clothes - jeans, white casual shirt, sneakers - have the effect of making him look like an oversized child. Or not even oversized, really, as Gervais is so short. He just looks like a fat child, apart from the beard. "Not quite," says Ray, not sure what to say. Behind him there is a small note that reads, "Everyone's O.K. but me! Help." Is this a reference to David's desperately low self-esteem? David tries another pose, and this time we see him get into the position. He lies on his left side now, spreading his legs so his crotch can be seen quite disturbingly and his gut sacks to the side. He carefully lays his right hand on his knee, as if he's trying to add the cherry on top to make it just perfect. It's like some bizarre parody of an old-time painting. Ray looks at him and tries to find a polite way of saying "Stop acting like you're 20 and look like a Greek god." He settles for, "Maybe if you just sit down." "You're the boss," says David, even if he obviously thinks he's the star of this situation. He grabs a chair, but he turns it backwards so he's leaning his elbows on the back of the chair, and he frames his face with his hands. What does he think this is, a shoot for Vogue magazine? Ray seems to think, "Close enough," and he takes the picture. The camera zooms on Jude's confused and shocked face. Jude, you ain't seen nothing yet.
The audience has settled in and looking bored already. Oh, you guys are in for some fun, but first you need to listen to three normal speeches. Two of the other speakers, dressed professionally, are smoking a joint at a vending machine that seems to offer nothing but various kinds of chips. The Doritos look appealing. "I'm looking forward to this, actually," says Mark Frown from Sound Investments, who won't be introduced til a bit later. David walks in and you can't miss the contrast between him and the other guys. He is, of course, a head shorter, but more importantly, the white cheap-looking shirt really emphasizes how unprofessional he looks compared to the other guys. To make himself look more cool - I think; you never can tell with David though, as he never succeeds in looking cool - he leans on the vending machine and tries to appear self-confident. "Are you talking on this gig as well?" he asks. "Yeah. Just having a sneaky joint," says Mark. David, who wants to appear cool to the new guys, says, "Well, partially decriminalized now anyway. At LAST, so... Go for it." He looks like he doesn't mean it. He grimaces while saying it, looks away for a bit, and his face looks flushed. And why would he be saying this anyway if he didn't disapprove? It's not like the guys asked him for his approval. Every time someone tells you how much they approve of what you're doing, you just know they're doing it because they don't approve, at all. And he's wearing the earring! It still looks ridiculous. I thought he was going to take it off.
"What's it, skunk?" David says, trying to appear interested. "No, it's just weed. Do you want a little taste?" Mark asks and offers it. David quickly shakes his head like he finds the thing repulsive. Mark seems surprised, so David lies that he's on a diet - he taps his belly a bit, but you can only hear it - "and when I get wasted, I get the munchies." Yeah, cos he gets wasted all the time! He's so cool and rock'n'roll! Live fast, die old! That's how he got fat in the first place - always the munchies. Like Scooby-Doo. Dooby-Dooby-Doo. "I'm mad enough without the gear as well," he says. Mark chuckles a bit, though it seems more like he's doing it to be polite. He seems like a nice guy. "I'll take a raincheck though. Catch you later," says David, who can't wait to get away from the evil pot-smokers and their evil pot. You can't even talk about anything but pot with people like that! The guys look a bit confused at his behaviour as he walks away.
The gig begins. Ray introduces the first speaker, Mark Frown the pot-smoker. Mark puts on his jargon generator and starts: "Let me dispel a myth. Just because you're a success in your life, some people will tell you that you shouldn't be able to sleep at night. You should. Why? Because this is a business." Is that really a myth? Maybe I just don't get it because I'm not involved in a business. And may I say that some of the people at the seminar don't exactly look hugely successful. If anything, they look like low-ranking employees who earn five times less than Mark Frown does. I don't think they need his tips on sleeping techniques. We cut to later when another guy says enthusiastically: "Your future hasn't happened yet. You shape it. You're.. in the driving seat. OK? Thanks." Ray thanks him. His name is Richard Clark from Stockport Graphics. Actually, as he goes back to his seat and people applaud, two women in the audience whisper something and smile. So it's either "Ooo, he's so cute" or "That speech was actually good!" The former is more likely, but either way, well done, Richard. As Richard sits down, he seems kind of flustered and nervous. Mark gives him a supportive, friendly smile. I like Mark. I also like Ray, who seems very warm and professional. But then who could top our sad and pathetic anti-hero David? He's up next. Ray tells us he will talk about "motivational techniques". Let's see how many techniques I can count from that speech.
David walks to the top of the room - I can't say stage, because there isn't one; if anything, this looks like a pretty low-quality conference room. He's got his jeans, he's got his shirt, and he's got a backwards cap on that makes the boyish look even worse. He starts off by fingering his belt a bit, but then grabs his backwards cap and flings it to his right. It hits Dawn on the head. Aww, poor Dawn. Even for a hundred, that's some shitty treatment. Dawn rubs her forehead and gives David the stinkeye, but David isn't looking at her, of course. He starts his speech by staring at his audience disapprovingly. With his hands on his hips. What is he, a disappointed schoolmarm? The camera shows the audience who looks back at him, furrowing their brows. They obviously weren't expecting this. David walks up to the door and swings it open. "Get out!" he says. "Go on. I've opened the door for you." I would love it if some of them actually got up and walked out. "Yeah? If you don't wanna make it, go now! Yeah? Save us all a bit of time. If you don't even cut it!" He doesn't look as impressive as he thinks; I wouldn't take this kind of talk from a guy with such a ludicrous earring. After a brief yet oppressive silence, he goes back to the door: "No? Good." Just as he's about to close it, a cleaning lady comes and asks if they're done. David seems offended by this interruption. I loved the cleaning lady part. It just seems kinda realistic if you hold a door open long enough. People will get the wrong idea. And I'm not even sure what the right idea was. So I guess David's motivational technique number one is: don't walk away if... or when... Actually, this cannot be compared to any larger context. How is this supposed to motivate them? Should they feel validated because they stayed?
David, who's lost his train of thought a bit, looks at the door one more time and then gets going. He talks quite fast and seems flustered, so maybe he's nervous. Not that he should be. It's going really well so far, isn't it? He starts with his favorite topic: the good things people think about him. "You're all looking at me and you're thinking, Oh yeah, you're a success. You've achieved your goals, you're reaping the rewards, sure, but oy, Brent! Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollah?" He actually puts one of his hands next to his mouth when he says, "Oy, Brent!" So it's like he's holding a megaphone saying that. Awesome. Also, being successful is not really the message his outfit - and earring - is sending. Plus I bet they've never seen David before and don't know who he is. But still, yeah, anyone who sees him will automatically know him to be a success.
"Let me show you something I always keep with me," he says and picks a tiny book from the backpocket of his jeans. He shows it around, although the book is so small that it's probably invisible to even the people in the front row what the title is. "Just a little book, Collected Meditations. It's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, Native American wisdom..." He says that last part louder, as if it's more meaningful because it's Native American. He even takes a little pause for effect! And looks at the audience like this really proves what a great guy he is. You can tell a faux-deep person by his great enthusiasm in all things Native American. "Which I..." he starts feebly after his pause, but he's looking down and obviously doesn't know what to say about that. Maybe it would have helped to have some sheet notes, David? "And it's.. it's really.. showing you that... err.. that, that... the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. Yeah? It's about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality." David is just so spiritual, an inspiration to us all. If it weren't for him, I would have forgotten to take care of my spiritual side. This is, of course, faux-spirituality - spirituality is something you personally experience and think about, not something you read directly out of the book and memorize. David is showing himself to be a Pithy Phrase.
I notice that he keeps looking at the supersized man sitting in the front row, and I'm not sure if they intended it like that, but to me it seems like the kind of thing you do if you're disturbed by his size, but try to show him that you treat him just the same as everyone else, so you look at him more. I'm not sure though, maybe I'm just reading into this. He is right in front of David, and even if David is a poorly prepared and lame speaker, he does know to make eye contact with his audience, so I'll give him credit for that. "And a... Foreword by Duncan Goodhew." He shows the book again. They can't actually read the foreword, David. Interestingly, Wikipedia mentions that he is a swimmer, an author and a motivational speaker. No wonder they want to mention him during the motivational speech. He also has a total lack of body hair, which has nothing to do with this but is somehow interesting. David puts so much stock into this name that he obviously thinks all motivational speech audiences know Duncan Goodhew personally. "So..." he says. The camera shows the audience, and they look very confused.
"Can I read... one... which I think..." Aww, David, you can do anything you want. You're the speaker! Don't ask for permission! He opens the book on what I'm sure is a randomly selected page, just to appear he knows the book inside out. While he's reading, we see Dawn resting her head on her elbow, looking very bored. Luckily David couldn't care less what she thinks, as long as she's there to carry his enormous boombox. That sounded a bit dirty. "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each his own home again rather than take a portion out of the common stock." I've heard that one before. I'm not sure how motivating it is, really. I mean, yes, even your own miseries are more dear to you than other people's. But does it make the misery any easier to take? Just because others may have it even worse, isn't that a depressing idea? It's a pretty thin consolation. David, of course, has his own reading of it: "It's saying, for the first time, that grass isn't always greener on the other side." That's right, except when you really think about it, both phrases mean the same thing: you might think other people have it better than you, but in most cases, you'd be wrong. David hasn't thought of this angle, or perhaps he's not thinking at all, just saying the first wise-sounding thing that comes to mind.
The speech has derailed quite a bit, but he's trying to save it by making this motivating. "Don't look over your neighbor's fence and go, 'Oo, he's got a better car than me! Oo, he's got a more attractive WIFE.'" He takes a pause for effect. I'm glad the attractive wife ranks right up there after the car in the fictional man's list of possessions. And there are quite a few women - not too attractive ones either - in the audience, which David of course hasn't taken into account. "We all wake up and we go, 'Ahh! I ache! I'm not 18 anymore! I'm thirty-ni... you know, I'm in my thirties...I'm not...'" Would it be so awful to admit to a small group of people you will never meet again that you're 39? Wait, of course it would. This matters. This is his road to the top, the whole world will see him soon. Just like winning the office quiz matters, this is an important event. "But... so what, at least I've got my health! And if you haven't got your health, if you've got one leg... At least I haven't got two legs missing! And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go: At least I'm not dead!" This is so motivating! And here we've actually got a "motivational technique", so let's see. David's tips for motivation:
1. Think you've at least got your health.
2. Think that at least you have all your limbs.
3. Think that at least you're not dead.
I'm more motivated already! They should make a poster out of this. With, like, the picture of a kitten without limbs that is just happy to be alive!
This is a good example of David ruining his own idea by taking it a bit too far. But wait, he's not finished: "I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be.. you know.. put down.. I'm just saying that in my life I'd rather not live without arms and legs. I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing, so in my opinion it's, um..." Obviously he doesn't know what he's saying anymore. No one's asking him to live without arms and legs and it has nothing to do with anything. The best part is that the scene cuts off while he's still mumbling something, so maybe there were even more inappropriate parts. The last thing we see in this chapter is Ray and Jude frowning and looking very confused. Jude looks around to see the reactions of the audiences. She looks quite shocked. Oh, David. This wasn't even such a tough thing to do. Just spew your usual jargon for fifteen minutes. But you had to improvise and bring in collected meditations. I feel sorry for him, but that doesn't mean I don't laugh. A lot.
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