Christmas Specials, part 2: "Are You Famous?"

"Friars' Stile Fruit & Veg" - a very British thing, a separate fresh produce store. Inside, David Brent tries to be funny with a little Monty Python reference: "Caught me in me local fruit and veg.. emporium..." He stops to let the laughing stop, which is stupid because there is no laugh track, and even if there were, no one would laugh. He always acts like he's giving a really amusing speech. An off-camera interviewer, who actually sounds like Maggie from Extras, asks if he comes here a lot. "Big time," David claims. "Need to stay healthy when you're on the road, can't take any chances." That's probably why he drinks so much in the hotel and eats at roadside diners.

He admits that he doesn't like any fruit except bananas, "Ain't it Paul?" he asks the sales clerk, a middle-aged guy who's dressed casually. "Yeah, and we all know what you do with them when you get them home, eh?" says Paul and makes an inappropriate gesture. David is, as always, ready to laugh at childish sex jokes, no matter how lame. He also has to explain to the camera: "Shove 'em up me a..." He stops there, but he also does a 'fist on his butt' gesture, so it's pretty disturbing. "Gay. I'm not, he knows I'm not, he's just... Although... Paul, fruit is very versatile, innit?" He says and takes half a cucumber. He puts it over his crotch area. That's genius! Nobody ever thought of that before! And I mean, cucumber is a fruit, so good thinking there. He laughs so loud that you know half of it is just mugging to the camera. "You feeling cold, David?" asks Paul. He's holding a really long cucumber and two oranges under it. "Mine's shriveled," laughs David. Yes, we get it. I'm so glad I don't have any cucumbers at home. I do have bananas, though, so maybe I'm not eating fruit tonight.

Typically for him, David decides that everyone watching, both at home and in the store, must find this all hilarious. "He thinks we're mad," David says and points at a guy off-camera. The camera turns to reveal - Renton from the Microsoft bits! Yay, Renton! There's a good naturalistic actor, he really nails this minimalist style of talking. Now quite as minimimalist as Keith, but it's close. I don't think I've seen him smile more than once. He's just standing there and looking clueless, especially in this scene. And as usual, he doesn't seem very impressed with David's "humor". I know his name on this show is David, but how can I distinguish between them if I call him that? Let's see.

David Brent starts talking to David "Renton", prompting him to ask if they know each other. "We're just doing a follow-up...," says David "The Boss" Brent, thinking that alone is enough. Because everybody saw him on TV, you see. He was on it, so it must have been the most successful show ever. Understandably, David Lite doesn't know what show he's from even after he points out it's a documentary. "Come on," David "If You Don't Know Me By Now" Brent says, grinning and pointing at his face. "Are you that fat one from The Airport?" asks Diet David. Hee, so rude. "That fat one", maybe he could at least use the guy's name. "Obviously not," says David Original irritably, though probably more offended by the assumption that he's from some other show than by the use of "fat". "Wernham Hogg," he says, as if that was the name of the show.

David 2.0 asks what the show was about, and Big David's response is telling: "About me, following me around at work." See, it was all about him, not the typical British office or the other employees. It was David Show. "At the airport?" asks Little David. Hee, he's as smart as his namesake. "Forget the airport!" David "The David Brent Show, Starring David Brent" Brent says, annoyed. Hee. "Are you famous?" asks David "Knowing me David Brent, Knowing you another David, aha". "The penny's dropped," says David "Freelove Freeway" Brent, as if asking if he's famous means recognition. If you're famous, people don't need to ask. Taking his word for it, David Part 2 asks for an autograph. Wow, I don't think I'd be that interested in getting an autograph from someone I don't even recognize. The celebrity culture is indeed weird, as Ricky Gervais will tell you. David "I'm sick of thinking of names" Brent happens to have a pen at hand, and he scribbles an autograph to an empty paper bag, asking the guy's name. "Oh, from one David to another!" To his chagrin, he gets the response: "Is your name David?" "Oh for f... YES!" says David irritably and starts writing the autograph. "He knows who I am," he adds and looks at the guy, as if he's hoping that one more look would immediately ring a bell.

Outside the fruit and veg shop, the interviewer asks David if this thing happens often. "Getting recognized? Yeah. I mean, usually they know specifically who I am," says David. Well, that's what recognition usually means, David. You know what, I've typed "David" so many times that I think I'm going to have to call him something else for now. The pompous ego maniac tells the interviewer that sometimes people say stupid things. "What kind of things?" the interviewer asks, and D...Mr Brent dutifully tells her: "'You beardy twat', 'Pug-nosed gimp', 'Lard Boy'... I tell them, 'What have you ever done on TV? Nothing. So don't...' Absolutely flabulous...' " He turns to the camera with indignation, as if to say: "How could they?", certain that any viewers will side with him. I love how he stops to mention another rude name like that when you think he's already onto his own response. Typically for David, he thinks you can't criticize unless you've been on TV.

Tim sits at his desk, as we see who took over Gareth's seat. Must be an improvement, whoever it is, right? Nah - it's Anne the obnoxious, self-centered pregnant woman. In her first silent scene, she manages to make Tim uncomfortable by graphically adjusting her bra and making a "woop" noise as she fans her flushed face. I'd like to mention that her belly looks fairly realistic - it's average sized, uneven-shaped and doesn't look like she has a round tray under her shirt (compare her to, for instance, Bree on Desperate Housewives). Tim looks like he's in hell and getting too used to it to even complain anymore.

Back to David in the car. We get to observe him at his new job. As he picks up a suitcase and a small sample of cleaning equipment from the car, the interviewer asks him, "Are you a door-to-door salesman?" with some surprise in her voice. "No," David says with a little laugh. "I don't go cold-calling, trying to sell people clothespins and dusters...Well, I do sell dusters, but that's about five percent of what...we do..." Hee! Bad example. It's not that different from door-to-door sales, more like the corporate version: he sets up meetings and introduces cleaning products. We get to watch him in action as he introduces a shammy with a little too much energy, which might have to do with his embarrassment of doing this on camera. He's still wearing the same type of white-shirt-and-tie work costume, which seems a little much at this job. Basically I think he's trying to come off as an equal to the man sitting in the chair who runs a conference center. David rubs the wall with the shammy: "Nearly dry... I'm removing the stain job, not the paint job... There it is, that's dry, you can use that again," he says and throws the shammy on the desk a bit violently. Also, "stain job"?

The guy at the desk seems uncomfortable at David's discomfort, or perhaps the camera. He orders a dozen for a start. "Sold!" David says, "To that man in the..." He doesn't know where to go from there, as he rarely does. "Can I ask you something?" he says in obvious sales-pitch tone. "Who does your tampons?" He stares intently at the guy as we cut to next scene. Wow, from regional manager to "who does your tampons." Oh, how the mighty...well, mediocre... well, inferior and lucky to have a job at all... have fallen.