Christmas Specials, part 2: "Are You Famous?"

"Friars' Stile Fruit & Veg" - a very British thing, a separate fresh produce store. Inside, David Brent tries to be funny with a little Monty Python reference: "Caught me in me local fruit and veg.. emporium..." He stops to let the laughing stop, which is stupid because there is no laugh track, and even if there were, no one would laugh. He always acts like he's giving a really amusing speech. An off-camera interviewer, who actually sounds like Maggie from Extras, asks if he comes here a lot. "Big time," David claims. "Need to stay healthy when you're on the road, can't take any chances." That's probably why he drinks so much in the hotel and eats at roadside diners.

He admits that he doesn't like any fruit except bananas, "Ain't it Paul?" he asks the sales clerk, a middle-aged guy who's dressed casually. "Yeah, and we all know what you do with them when you get them home, eh?" says Paul and makes an inappropriate gesture. David is, as always, ready to laugh at childish sex jokes, no matter how lame. He also has to explain to the camera: "Shove 'em up me a..." He stops there, but he also does a 'fist on his butt' gesture, so it's pretty disturbing. "Gay. I'm not, he knows I'm not, he's just... Although... Paul, fruit is very versatile, innit?" He says and takes half a cucumber. He puts it over his crotch area. That's genius! Nobody ever thought of that before! And I mean, cucumber is a fruit, so good thinking there. He laughs so loud that you know half of it is just mugging to the camera. "You feeling cold, David?" asks Paul. He's holding a really long cucumber and two oranges under it. "Mine's shriveled," laughs David. Yes, we get it. I'm so glad I don't have any cucumbers at home. I do have bananas, though, so maybe I'm not eating fruit tonight.

Typically for him, David decides that everyone watching, both at home and in the store, must find this all hilarious. "He thinks we're mad," David says and points at a guy off-camera. The camera turns to reveal - Renton from the Microsoft bits! Yay, Renton! There's a good naturalistic actor, he really nails this minimalist style of talking. Now quite as minimimalist as Keith, but it's close. I don't think I've seen him smile more than once. He's just standing there and looking clueless, especially in this scene. And as usual, he doesn't seem very impressed with David's "humor". I know his name on this show is David, but how can I distinguish between them if I call him that? Let's see.

David Brent starts talking to David "Renton", prompting him to ask if they know each other. "We're just doing a follow-up...," says David "The Boss" Brent, thinking that alone is enough. Because everybody saw him on TV, you see. He was on it, so it must have been the most successful show ever. Understandably, David Lite doesn't know what show he's from even after he points out it's a documentary. "Come on," David "If You Don't Know Me By Now" Brent says, grinning and pointing at his face. "Are you that fat one from The Airport?" asks Diet David. Hee, so rude. "That fat one", maybe he could at least use the guy's name. "Obviously not," says David Original irritably, though probably more offended by the assumption that he's from some other show than by the use of "fat". "Wernham Hogg," he says, as if that was the name of the show.

David 2.0 asks what the show was about, and Big David's response is telling: "About me, following me around at work." See, it was all about him, not the typical British office or the other employees. It was David Show. "At the airport?" asks Little David. Hee, he's as smart as his namesake. "Forget the airport!" David "The David Brent Show, Starring David Brent" Brent says, annoyed. Hee. "Are you famous?" asks David "Knowing me David Brent, Knowing you another David, aha". "The penny's dropped," says David "Freelove Freeway" Brent, as if asking if he's famous means recognition. If you're famous, people don't need to ask. Taking his word for it, David Part 2 asks for an autograph. Wow, I don't think I'd be that interested in getting an autograph from someone I don't even recognize. The celebrity culture is indeed weird, as Ricky Gervais will tell you. David "I'm sick of thinking of names" Brent happens to have a pen at hand, and he scribbles an autograph to an empty paper bag, asking the guy's name. "Oh, from one David to another!" To his chagrin, he gets the response: "Is your name David?" "Oh for f... YES!" says David irritably and starts writing the autograph. "He knows who I am," he adds and looks at the guy, as if he's hoping that one more look would immediately ring a bell.

Outside the fruit and veg shop, the interviewer asks David if this thing happens often. "Getting recognized? Yeah. I mean, usually they know specifically who I am," says David. Well, that's what recognition usually means, David. You know what, I've typed "David" so many times that I think I'm going to have to call him something else for now. The pompous ego maniac tells the interviewer that sometimes people say stupid things. "What kind of things?" the interviewer asks, and D...Mr Brent dutifully tells her: "'You beardy twat', 'Pug-nosed gimp', 'Lard Boy'... I tell them, 'What have you ever done on TV? Nothing. So don't...' Absolutely flabulous...' " He turns to the camera with indignation, as if to say: "How could they?", certain that any viewers will side with him. I love how he stops to mention another rude name like that when you think he's already onto his own response. Typically for David, he thinks you can't criticize unless you've been on TV.

Tim sits at his desk, as we see who took over Gareth's seat. Must be an improvement, whoever it is, right? Nah - it's Anne the obnoxious, self-centered pregnant woman. In her first silent scene, she manages to make Tim uncomfortable by graphically adjusting her bra and making a "woop" noise as she fans her flushed face. I'd like to mention that her belly looks fairly realistic - it's average sized, uneven-shaped and doesn't look like she has a round tray under her shirt (compare her to, for instance, Bree on Desperate Housewives). Tim looks like he's in hell and getting too used to it to even complain anymore.

Back to David in the car. We get to observe him at his new job. As he picks up a suitcase and a small sample of cleaning equipment from the car, the interviewer asks him, "Are you a door-to-door salesman?" with some surprise in her voice. "No," David says with a little laugh. "I don't go cold-calling, trying to sell people clothespins and dusters...Well, I do sell dusters, but that's about five percent of what...we do..." Hee! Bad example. It's not that different from door-to-door sales, more like the corporate version: he sets up meetings and introduces cleaning products. We get to watch him in action as he introduces a shammy with a little too much energy, which might have to do with his embarrassment of doing this on camera. He's still wearing the same type of white-shirt-and-tie work costume, which seems a little much at this job. Basically I think he's trying to come off as an equal to the man sitting in the chair who runs a conference center. David rubs the wall with the shammy: "Nearly dry... I'm removing the stain job, not the paint job... There it is, that's dry, you can use that again," he says and throws the shammy on the desk a bit violently. Also, "stain job"?

The guy at the desk seems uncomfortable at David's discomfort, or perhaps the camera. He orders a dozen for a start. "Sold!" David says, "To that man in the..." He doesn't know where to go from there, as he rarely does. "Can I ask you something?" he says in obvious sales-pitch tone. "Who does your tampons?" He stares intently at the guy as we cut to next scene. Wow, from regional manager to "who does your tampons." Oh, how the mighty...well, mediocre... well, inferior and lucky to have a job at all... have fallen.

Christmas Special, part 1: "Stitch-Up"

For the only time in the history of the show, we begin with a black screen with text on it:
"In January 2001 a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday goings on in a typical workplace. Now, nearly three years later, we return to find out what has happened to the employees of..
the office."

I feel weird about the Christmas specials. I don't think they're bad, per se. I don't think they're vastly inferior to the average episode of The Office. I just think they go through the fourth wall so much that it becomes a little more difficult to buy. Because the series itself was about people working and having their everyday lives on camera, knowing the cameras were there. And this is people talking about their lives on camera, knowing the cameras are here, and other people having seen the show... It just opens up a whole new can of worms. Also, way too much Tim and Dawn. But there's a lot of hilarity, particularly from David Brent, and I think they did a pretty good job covering how the office would look in three years time. Which is pretty much the same.

The first thing we see is David driving in his car, one hand on the wheel and another on his forehead, the elbow resting on the window sill in what I'm sure is a rehearsed move that he believes makes him look very serious and professional. As he drives, he keeps putting his right hand on the wheel and then back onto his forehead. It seems so rehearsed.He's looking ahead sternly, because he's The Man, if not The Boss anymore. He voice-overs: "Stitch-up. It was a stitch-up." He claims the BBC mostly filmed "a good bloke doing a good job", and then they showed all the bad stuff, "like one time I accidentally head-butted an interviewee, that makes it to the program." And that's because "you head-butt a girl on the telly and you're labeled a prat." Right, and it's not at all because of the way you "interviewed" Karen, or the way you went home to get your guitar during a training day, or the way you sold out your employees for a promotion? I'm sure that was all editing and there was a context we didn't see. Like Rowan begged you to go get that guitar. And how dare they not show the part where Karen flirted with you voraciously!

He claims the BBC looked at the material and had the following conversation:
"Oh look, here's a good guy, he's their friend as well as their boss, he's a motivator, an entertainer, lots of good stuff. Look, he's made one mistake, shall we cut that out?"
"No."
"What?!"
"No, put that bit IN, cut the other stuff out. We want a scapegoat, we want a dumb-dam(?), we wanna give them the biggest plonker of the year."
Yes, I'm sure it's exactly like that. It's like, the well-meaning editor just wants to make David look good, while the BBC execs or whoever have decided that they're going to make the ultimate scapegoat out of him. And this is the defense of just about every reality show contestant who becomes the "bad guy" or "bitch" of the show. It was just edited that way, we didn't see this and that context, etc. They'll come into the forums and inform us that really, if we had been there, we'd know. I think it depends on the show how true that statement is. In David's case, of course, we know that the camera captured his essence: a sad man who craves attention and acceptance from others; selfish, sexist and utterly uintelligent. There's not much he can do about it, but he wouldn't be David if he didn't claim it's all a big conspiracy against him.

He says sternly, "I'm not a plonker!" and looks indignantly at the interviewer, then at the camera. This, too, seems rehearsed. Also - hee, "plonker". That's pretty much the funniest word you could use for this. And the credits, which I think they could have left out. Half of the scenes in the special don't happen inside the office, and in my opinion, a two-part special doesn't need a theme song. It just seems out of place here.

We return to the office to find it - pretty much exactly the same. All the same employees, it seems. Interestingly, though, Rachel doesn't seem to be there. Maybe she wanted to leave after the Tim incident? Brenda has gotten new glasses and hairdo. Sheila has cut her hair. Keith has put on some weight. Then we see Tim, who's both cut his hair and put on weight. He looks older and more tired than last time. He's now spent three more years at Wernham Hogg, in the same position, at the same table as before. It's kinda sad. At least he doesn't have to sit with Gareth anymore.

Of course, he still has to have Gareth as his boss. He walks into Gareth's office - so weird to write that! - where Gareth is busy at work staring at his computer. Gareth makes this hand movement that I've always taken to be "taking gum out of mouth" movements but I can't see the gum this time around, so maybe I'm wrong. Tim says he's leaving early, and Gareth checks in his book to see if he said it was OK. Tim leaves the office - with Gareth's keys. "Are these the keys to your room" he says just as he's at the door, and he slams it shut and locks Gareth in while Gareth taps on the window and shouts: "Oliver! He's locked me in again!" Hee, "again". So even as a boss, Gareth isn't immune to Tim's pranks. Nor has he found a more effective way of dealing with them.

Tim sits down at his desk looking contented. Gareth calls him and Tim puts him on speaker phone.
Gareth: "Unlock it now, it's not funny. What if there was a fire?"
Tim: "Sorry, who is this?"
Gareth: "Who do you think it is, Father Christmas? Open the door."
Tim: "Don't believe in you." *hangs up*
Absolutely loved that. Even as boss, Gareth has no authority over Tim, and Tim has to show it in the most immature possible way. However, something has changed - no more Dawn behind the receptionist's desk. Gareth calls Melanie the new receptionist, and Tim tells her not to pick up. She awkwardly asks for the keys, and Tim tries to say that it's funny and let him be for a while, but Mel shyly yet firmly takes the keys and lets Gareth out. Tim looks old, tired, and sad. Aww, poor Tim. No one to have fun with. You'd think some of the guys in the office have it in for Gareth and could join in the pranks.