Season 2 Deleted Scenes, Part 1

The deleted scenes of season 2 are, again, superb. None of them is totally lame or totally useless. They're all funny. They've all been done in a finished look, there's no time running at the bottom of the screen or anything. So I don't really get why they cut these, except to make room for the Tim and Dawn storyline, which is sad, because that story wasn't that funny or that original, and I know I'm always griping about it, but look at what we lost because of the Tim/Dawn storyline! So many great Gareth scenes, and a couple of funny Dawn scenes as well. Thank God for DVDs, is all I can say.

First we see Ricky Gervais watching some scenes and laughing in his trademark childish way. Then he turns towards the camera and says he's watching "some of the deleted scenes from the smash series The Office, and if you bought this dvd of the smash series The Office, I thought you'd like to see some of the scenes not good enough to make it into the final cut. Enjoy it." His laughter seems genuine, which is disturbing. Can he just turn it on and off? The speech seems rehearsed, but the laughter seems to come naturally from wherever Ricky's insane creative mind is on at the moment. Creepy.

Deleted scene 1: Gareth Asks Dawn For Advice
(the titles are mine by the way, just to make it easier to read this recap.)

Dawn is leafing thru a paper on the sofa where she spends her breaks, and where she never gets to be left alone. Gareth shows up. And by show up, I mean "reads over her shoulder, presses himself against her side and nudges her". Eww. Dawn makes a suitably uncomfortable face, and leans back in the sofa, perhaps to avoid Gareth's arm from touching her back. It's just such good acting just with facial expressions. Lucy Davis rocks. I know she went to Hollywood, lost too much weight and got an awful tan, but I respect her as an actress, a lot. Also, my gross drunken neighbor once came just that close to me on the bus stop, and it bugged me so much that I couldn't even say a word to him, even if all he said was "Hi". Lesson of the day? Don't lean right next to someone, it's disturbing. "Dawn, I was wondering if we could have a word about a delicate matter," Gareth says. "Ookay?" says Dawn, and since she knows Gareth, she's probably wondering if he wants to discuss his private parts or something gross like that. If it were anyone else, it might be work-related, but not with Gareth.

Gareth begins: "Basically, I've got two women on the go at the same time." He says it in a kind of singing rhythm, and I must say I also admire Mackenzie Crook as an actor, a lot. He can do such a pathetic, despicable, yet somehow likeable Gareth. I know I've said all this before, but in some scenes it just strikes me. He continues: "Got off with them both at Chasers" - of course, since he never goes anywhere else - "..they both want me..." Dawn, who's already tired of the bragging, decides to ask him straight what the question is: "Should you be cheating on them both?" But Gareth shrugs it off: "No, I don't care about that."

It's such a Gareth problem, but he says it so seriously, so I'll transcribe it all here: "Basically, one of them is an absolute cracker, alright? Real fox, not much upstairs in the brains department. And I need intellectual stimulation as well as" - points to his crotch and makes a "krrrk" sound - "downstairs. I mean, sometimes I have to tell her not to talk during.. IT. Stupidity puts me off my [streak?]. The other one is... you know, she's lovely, clever, A levels, a right laugh... bit of a bloater." Dawn does her absolute best to stay with the conversation in a respectful way, going "Right..." and "Sure", even if she obviously thinks it's TMI and sexist besides. Her conclusion: "Nice that you're thinking of choosing brains over beauty." But tha's not what Gareth meant: "No, I'm not... Can I ask fatty to lose weight? I'm not even sure if that's a proper solution, because I don't know if she's got a pretty face, difficult to tell." Dawn looks like she didn't expect anything this bad even from Gareth. But no worries, he plans on being discreet: "I wouldn't just ask her straight out like that, lose weight" - he points at Dawn - "you know, I'd send her an email or something." Hee! Dawn gives him the stink-eye, but I think he's too dumb to notice it.

It's just so outrageously wrong it's hilarious. Of course, any "fatty" should dump a guy who asks her to lose weight, and any man who doesn't want to be with a fat girl should just not be with her in the first place, instead of trying to change her. What's awesome about this scene is that the writers realize that and it's not an offense to fat girls. I wonder, however, if they were told to cut this scene because it offends fat women or women in general. It doesn't offend me at all, because the joke is on Gareth.

"Why are you asking me?" says Dawn. "Basically, I want a woman's perspective, and you're the only woman I know that I don't fancy. Yeah, don't be offended, if you came around to my house begging for it, I'd still do you, but..." Wow. Gareth just lives in his own little world where women come to his doorstep to beg for sex. He really thinks he's so attractive, any woman's dream, when really all he can attract is dumb chicks from Chasers. And I don't believe that "bloater" is that intelligent - or that fat - anyway, if she wants to be with Gareth. Of course, Gareth thinks the biggest compliment you can give a girl is "I'd do you." Dawn gives a little uneasy laugh that sounds like she's stifling a need to punch him in the face. "It's nice to know," she says. I think the only way the women can deal with Gareth is by saying sarcastic things in a serious tone, so he doesn't get they don't mean it.

Deleted Scene 2: Gareth's Biking Gear

Dawn's at her desk as Gareth walks in wearing a super-tight blue biking shirt and super-tight black biking shorts. He looks ridiculous. Dawn starts laughing hysterically, one of the most difficult things for an actor. It doesn't seem entirely natural, but she does the whole "laughing silently" thing, which works better than a stream of "hahahaha". "Childish," says Gareth. He starts making stretches against the sofa, and Rachel walks out of the kitchen at that moment. Gareth's crotch stretches right in front of her. She sounds baffled and shocked: "Oh...bit...tight, aren't they?" Gareth explains: "I'm in training. I'm in the army." Rachel politely starts: "Oh, you're in the terri...torial...", but Gareth stretches again and it gets her off track. "Territorial army," says Gareth. Yes, emphasize the army part, not the territorial part. He asks what Rachel is up to. Rachel was "just making... a cup of....tea." The outfit really seems to throw her off. "Good, fluids," says Gareth. "Did you know you're supposed to drink a litre and a half of fluids a day to avoid dehydration?" This is like when he tried to woo Donna with that health and safety and duh training. Rachel, who's seen more of Gareth's physique than she ever wanted to, is too appalled to respond.

"Excuse me," he says and Rachel happily stands aside. He starts lifting himself up on a rail that's apparently on the kitchen doorway. "I try to do twenty of these a day when I'm training," he says. Rachel leaves. "Situps and squats too." He turns around, but there's no one there. I love scenes like that. Only the camera witnessed how Gareth tried to impress a girl with his fitness training, and failed. Also, he looks totally scrawny in that outfit, so it's not really a very good testimony of what great shape he's in. Not saying scrawny guys can't be in shape, but if you want to impress with it, people usually expect some kind of display of visible muscles. Embarrassed, he pretends nothing happened, blows air out of his mouth and pats his outfit a bit. Then he walks away, casting one last insecure glance at the camera.

Gareth interview: "The thing about me is...I love to look good. You know, I work hard, I spend my oney on myself.. that's my reward. It means that in the end of the day, I can look at myself and say, 'Yeah, I bought and paid for everything that I'm wearing.'" Too bad he doesn't have a very good taste, judging by his biking outfit. Also, this is much more than anyone who doesn't work out can say. Can I just add that if someone doesn't work out, they'd spend less money on gym passes, exercise outfits and stuff, so they'd actually have more money to spend on themselves. Of course, as he is wont to do, Gareth gets off topic: "Not socks, they were a Christmas present from my cousin. Which I sorta paid for in a way, cos they only cost a fiver, I saw them in an offer. I bought her 15 quids worth of Body Shop vouchers. That's the good thing about vouchers, actually. She can see exactly how much I sent on her. And, most probably, this year she'll buck her ideas up." It's a positively Brentian babble, because who cares about the socks, and his cousin must be happy to see this on TV. Of course, he cares more about money than the sentiment of the gift, tho I must admit socks are THE faux pas gift for a guy. But still. Cousins aren't usually even very close.

Gareth's working at his computer, but not sitting down, still stretching, his hand on his back. And he's got the outfit on still. Tim walks in and starts needling him instantly: "Veery nice!" Gareth tells him, "Don't look at it if you don't like it." Well, you're standing right in front of him, so he has to look. "Do like it! Do like it. Could I have one like that, could you arrange for me to?" says Tim. He makes it sound totally gay. David walks in, saying, "Mr Keenan!!" in one of his lame imitation voices. His tone is completely at ease and jovial, but as Gareth turns around and he sees the tight clothing, he gets very embarrassed and keeps his eyes firmly on Gareth's face. He says, elegantly enough, "Have... Oh...You... What... Huh?" He turns to Tim to get an excuse not to look at Gareth. "No, it's... uh..." He leans on the desk for a moment, but then realizes he's too close to Gareth's body now and mumbles something like, "Don't wanna do... What... um..." Now he's just staring off into space, and he points at Gareth's waist without looking at it. "Are you gonna get changed?" Gareth says yes and starts to say something else, but David just interrupts him with "Good," turns away and leaves. Heeee. It's a nice scene - quite long, not overdone, the kind of social embarrassment Gervais does best. It's kinda hilarious that David's first reaction is always to avoid looking gay. Tim looks behind him with a shocked expression, but he's holding a ruler and puts his fingers on it, looking at Gareth. As an oblivious Gareth continues working at his computer, Tim puts his fingers forward on the ruler, looking at the number and Gareth in turn in total shock. That's one of the most risque things they've done, I think. I'm not even sure if he's genuinely shocked or if he's trying to annoy Gareth.

Timterview: "You see, I don't like doing this, but he drives me to it. I know it's my problem, but everything he does winds me up! He is the most annoying man on God's Earth. The way he talks, the way when he's reading a newspaper, he laughs out loud, like it's a great article and I've missed out on something." My brother used to do that with comic books when we were kids. He'd laugh out loud, and if I didn't ask what was so funny, he'd laugh louder, and so forth, until it sounded really desperate. I can totally see Gareth doing that. "OK, do you know his favorite band of all time? Could have had anyone, fifty years of popular music. It's Mike and the Mechanics. That's who it is." He feels his neck for his pulse. "Blood pressure's up... That's just thinking about him, OK? So the only way I can get thru my day is to fight fire with fire, be even more annoying than he is." I loved this. Why wasn't this included on the show? Maybe GervaisMerchant thought it was a little too obvious why Tim does this, and it doesn't need an interview.

I love how Tim, who's a mature person, loves being a total child with Gareth. But really, as nice as he is, the mean thing about Tim is that he punishes Gareth for annoying him, not for being sexist, rude, lewd, selfish, pedantic, and so forth. In the end, it's little things like liking Mike and the Mechanics that make him put staplers in jello. It's not necessarily Gareth's fault that he does this; he might not be consciously pushing Tim's buttons. They just have zero chemistry and are forced to work together every day. And maybe this is what makes most people hate their jobs - being forced to share their work space with people they are annoyed with, people who might not bug so much if you didn't see them every day. I know Americans hate their cubicles, but an open office like this is much worse. They actually share the same desk. I'd hate Gareth too if I had to work with him, even if I just kinda pity him while seeing it on TV.

Deleted scene 3: Simon the Computer Geek Strikes Again

Gareth's desk. Simon is there, talking to him. "One of the most amazing things about Bruce Lee was, do you know The Trembling Hand?" "Oh yeah yeah yeah," says Gareth in a child's agreement voice, like an "I want to agree with you because you're cool" thing. "Do you know how he did it?" asks Simon. "Yeah, I do do. Tell me again," says Gareth. "All he did was he concentrated all his mind and power in his body via the mind into one hand until it's trembling with power." Heee! That's not only physically impossible, but also stupid. Really, really stupid. Of course, it would impress Gareth, as all stupid and macho things naturally do. "And then, all he did was, he'd touch you in the chest" - Simon puts his hand near Gareth - "and he'd burst every blood vessel in your body, you'd die at once." That's hilarious. It's just, seriously, how could anyone swallow this kind of bullshit? Gareth, of course, can: "Bloody hell, it's brilliant. You... Could you do that?" Who does he think Simon is? Some kind of magician or Superman who can do anything? "I'd never try it on anyone, just in case," says Simon. With great power comes great responsibility! "Test it out on stray cats or something," says Gareth. Tim laughs out loud, intentionally loud just to alert Simon that he may be fooling Gareth, but not anyone with a brain. Simon glances at Tim, as does Gareth. Simon looks annoyed that Tim's bringing him back on Earth from his little ego trip with Gareth.

I can kinda see why they didn't want to include even more Simon in that one episode, though it would have been fun to see the character more in subsequent episodes. Perhaps they felt that the other stories, like the Way of the Dragon/Enter the Dragon thing, had more subtle commentary on male power relations than this shorter bit. Good stuff anyway.

Deleted Scene 4: Keith's Appraisal Continued

David puts away Keith's appraisal form: "Done. Good." And of course, he simply gave up on it because Keith wasn't cooperating. "Lots of objectives," David says, putting it very nicely. "Main one, of course: work on your communication skills." Keith replies with his deadpan expression and gum-chewing. "Okay?" says David gingerly. Keith closes his eyes and stops chewing for a second, then resumes. David smiles desperately at the camera before asking: "Is that a yes?" Keith says, "Yeah." It's awesome that Keith communicates more with minimal body language than with his minimal speech. David puts two thumbs up. Reciting a wisdom again, looking up at the ceiling so it's obvious he's reading it from memory: "I'm gonna leave you with this, Keith: In life... Never be afraid of moving forward slowly... Only be afraid of standing still." That's actually kind of rude, because obviously David's implying that Keith is slow. Words just aren't enough to express how funny Keith's chewing is in response. Absolutely no reaction. David looks at Keith with a kind of concerned expression. Obviously he's not sure if the message went thru, or if he should beat it into his head with a hammer. Keith's a mysterious, effective character. What's going thru his head? Is anything? They should have kept this scene.

Deleted Scene 5: Dawn's Appraisal Continued

David tells Dawn to "keep up the doodling", with a facial expression that shows scorn for a silly hobby like drawing. I mean, seriously! Who could imagine making a living a drawing? Children can draw. Not my thoughts, but clearly what David is trying to say. Dawn looks shocked by his rudeness. "I've seen your stuff, and it's... okay..." His face, again, says it's bland and he has nothing particularly good to say about it. "Got one criticism, it doesn't..." And he slaps his own chest. "...smack you enough?" suggests Dawn. "Yeah, doesn't... Arrrrr..." He puts up his fists. "Doesn't, excuse my French, doesn't grab me by the bollards, Dawn." He makes a weird "grabbing" gesture in the air, luckily not around his, er, bollards. "No message." Dawn looks disgusted at the mental image of grabbing David's nuts. She mouths, "Message.." but doesn't say it out loud. David nods. But isn't Dawn a children's illlustrator? Why should children's illustrations grab you by the bollards? Shouldn't they be child-friendly and preferably non-shocking?

David can't talk about anything for too long without bringing up himself and his own talents, so he gets to the point, which is his own drawing experience: "I did this drawing once when I was about fourteen. And it was of a human ear, perfect anatomical drawing of a human ear" - and he draws an ear in the air. Of course it was perfect - it was drawn by him! "And it was in the middle of the page. And around the page was a dog barking, and a kid screaming, and a gun going off and a plane taking off, and a TV blaring, you know. And the human ear was exploding into a thousand pieces. Message!" He keeps making gestures to illustrate the noises on his left and right, and in the end he makes an explosion gesture, albeit rather slowly for effect, so it doesn't really look like an explosion. It's a very typical David Brent "artwork", too - it doesn't have anything new or original, and it sounds a bit too "educational" and in your face, like the work of someone who wants to make a spectacle of himself rather than truly send a message. "Loud noises hurt your ears?" suggests Dawn, who looks like she's trying very hard to keep herself from commenting on it further. "Damage them. Permanently, sometimes," says David and looks into the camera with a "This is serious. Listen to this" look that is just awesome. This isn't a health show! Kids aren't going to take advice like that from David Brent! "And that was.... Medical." I love when he uses the one adjective instead of a sentence. I should make a list of all the quotes where he uses that. "Medical" has to be my favorite at the moment, it's just so silly to describe your own message that way. It's like this review someone made of a comedy movie - "It was very comical." Well, I suppose so, since it was a comedy. Lovely misuse of adjectives. Dawn looks at David with a familiar mix of pity and shock. Awww, Dawn. I wish they'd kept more of her bits.

Deleted Scene 6: Keith is Ready to Make His Move

The welcome party. Tim's telling a story and Rachel is laughing, and Gareth is standing between them pretending to laugh. Tim says "that day I did" and "It was all wonky". I have no idea what he's talking about, but as usual, it sounds like a realistic snippet of a conversation, which few TV shows have pulled off convincingly, coming to think of it. We don't need to hear the whole story, just enough to make it credible that somebody's telling one. "What other stuff is there?" asks Gareth as the laughter wanes. Hee, so inane. It's like he's pretending it was his story and he's going to tell another one. "I don't know, Gareth," says Tim, always ready to mock Gareth's stupidities. "Just trying to think," Gareth says. Don't think out loud then, silly. Rachel says she needs to go to the bathroom and Gareth offers to join her, "I'll show you where it is," he adds to not make it sound like he's coming in with her. "Splendid Gareth, don't make it too blunt or anything," Tim mumbles as they leave. "When she comes back here, make an excuse and leave her, I'm going to move in," says Keith suddenly. Hilariously, he makes this "thrust" movement with his hips and pants a bit. Heeee. Everything Keith does is awesome. They should have kept this part. Tim seems shocked by his bluntness, and he looks away. Keith does it one more time, more slowly. Tim puts his hand out as if to stop him doing that in company and on camera. Loved it.