Season 2, Episode 5, Part 4: "Showdown"

Wow, I didn't realize I took a whole month to write the previous chapter. I'm sorry about all the delays. Maybe it's on purpose so I don't have to stop writing about this show so soon. Only one more episode of the original series to go! I will do the Christmas specials and so forth, but it's not the same anymore. This original The Office series is ending and it makes me a bit sad.

But there's still time to see David make a fool of himself in many ways. This scene is a defining one for both David and Neil. It shows how David lives in his dreams and fails to live the life he has, which makes him ultimately lose it all. It also shows how Neil is a man of actions and not a man of words like David, and how he takes responsibility for his job even when it's difficult.

"They're waiting for me," says David smilingly for the camera as it follows him to his office. Obviously he has no idea that this is about actual work. As he walks into the room, Jennifer and Neil are talking. "Break it up! Put her down!" says David and laughs. These are your bosses, David, a little respect? "No, they wouldn't. She wouldn't. Her husband's loaded, ain't he?" Oh my god. That's the most sexist thing he's said to or about Jennifer yet. She wouldn't cheat on her husband just because he has a lot of money? Ugh. "He does OK," says Jennifer who looks a bit like she doesn't see what that has to do with anything. I wouldn't blame her if she kicked him in the balls or something. David sits down, saying, "Ooohh...dear, oh... What a day!" He laughs and points at Neil's dance costume. The others don't laugh. There's something awkward in the air, which David either isn't picking up, or is picking up and trying to disperse with his silly behaviour.

"OK, David, do you have that report?" asks Neil. The camera pans behind Neil and on David, who has a stupid grin on his face. It seems frozen there as Neil asks about the report which he obviously hasn't made. "Ah... Glad you brought that up," he says, because he isn't glad, at all. "That's why I'm here," says Neil in a voice that seems to be restraining something, perhaps frustration because he can hear in David's tone that the report is not done. "Yes, um... Formulating a lot of good ideas," says David and looks at Jennifer, even if Neil was the one asking about the report. Neil, sounding very tired, says, "No, David, I don't want to talk about a report, or the report we're going to do soon. I'm talking about the report we talked about four days ago that was definitely going to be done today." I love him. He just cut right through David's excuses, and it seems like it's not the first time either. David just sits quietly, looking busted. Neil continues that the report matters to him, and "I come in and I discover that this is the fruit of your labors." He gives David a sheet of paper. David starts flubbering about how Neil shouldn't come in and look through his things while he's out, and I'm not sure who's side I'm on in this. I mean, yes, I do think he has a right to privacy, but on the other hand, if there's a paper on his desk and he was going to turn in a report today, Neil might have a right to assume that's the one. "Please read the first sentence for Jennifer," says Neil in his best steady boss voice.

David looks at the camera, knowing he's going to be humiliated for this, then makes a face like he doesn't care and the paper is nothing, then looks at the camera again. Love Gervais' body language throughout this scene. Neil sighs and looks away from David, tired of seeing him stall and make faces at the camera. "Imagine a cross between Telly Addicts and Noel's House Party. You've just imagined Upstairs Downstairs, a new quiz show devised and hosted by David Brent." Hee! First of all, if the only way you can describe your show is by comparing it to other formulaic shows, maybe you're not being very original. Secondly, even if he pitches the idea, I'd think the network decides who hosts the show. I love how deluded he is. Neil says he doesn't understand. "The contestants run upstairs and they get a clue..." starts David. Hee! Neil cuts him off and says he doesn't understand "your constant negligence and failure to do what is asked of you." Yeah, that's a good point. David starts talking, and as usual, sounds like he hasn't really planned in beforehand what he's going to say: "Because you're... viewing my methods.. like there's something missing, like you're looking at it as the jigsaw that it is, but you're viewing it through a keyhole when really you should be..." He makes a keyhole gesture and then expands his hands, biting his upper lip. And that analogy was perhaps the worst ever from David. Viewing a jigsaw through a keyhole? Would it even be possible to see it? It doesn't make any sense. And, of course, it means nothing in this context. It's the worst strategy David could take. He should say, "I'm very sorry boss, this won't happen again, from now on I will change my ways." But since he's an idiot and thinks he's doing everything just right, he won't say it, and he causes himself more damage this way than with any other negligence.

David keeps stretching his arms wider, which is hilarious, like he's trying to buy some time. "David, some words would be useful here," says a tired Neil. "Oh, I think actions speak louder than words," David says, adjusts his tie and winks and smirks at Jennifer as if she's automatically on his side. Yeah, I'm sure she really appreciates how terribly you treat Neil. He really thinks he can beat Neil just by using more impressive words, even if he just said actions speak louder than words. It's not a rap battle, David. It's a work situation, you need to shape up. And I really think it's that smirk, that triumphant look on his face, that makes Neil take action. Even after all the stupid things David has said and done, he is still smirking and thinking he's better than Neil. He just doesn't have any respect. "You're on a warning," Neil says sternly. "That's the action I'm going to take. It's a verbal warning, obviously three strikes and you're out, and things have got to change." David's smirk fades.

There's an awkward silence and David just stares at Neil angrily for a moment. "Fine," he then says in a voice that suggests this is all very trivial and he couldn't care less. "Give me all three now then," he adds rebelliously, "because oooh, I'd love to see you run this place without... You'd have a mutiny on your hands for a start, cos they would... But if that's what you want, come on, let's bring it on!" It's a warning from your boss, not a challenge to a duel, David! He points at Neil, and then at his door, when he says "they would..." The reason he doesn't continue is, of course, that they wouldn't do anything out of the ordinary and he probably knows that. He just has to act like this doesn't shake him because the company needs him and they would die without him. "No, David, that's not what I want," says Neil tiredly. "I want to see this place run with you doing your job." David makes faces like "Who knows what his next whim will be?" He's making the faces at Jennifer, which is incredibly rude and unprofessional, but then I'd expect no less from our dear old David. Why do I like him so much? Sometimes he just acts like an ass. Neil asks him to take the verbal warning, and he says something back but alas, without subtitles I can't tell what it is; Neil repeats, "Take the verbal warning and let's move on." David looks sheepish again, like he's just now realizing that Neil really gave him a warning.

But in a David interview, we learn that he has learned nothing. "Neil makes me laugh" is the first thing he says. "It's his timing! Going on about, he wants some report today... It's Red Nose Day!" He's like me in seventh grade, when the biology teacher informed us that she wants us to take notes when we watch a video, because she will be asking questions, and there might be a pop quiz. Everyone groaned, because video = fun, not learning. It seems like David makes the same assumption, which isn't professional at all for a guy his age. Neil had fun on red nose day, but he also works, and this is something David obviously hasn't learned to combine. "What's more important? You, Neil, with your 'report'" - he makes quotation marks with his fingers, which reminds me of when he said sarcastically "Listen, 'Tim'..." - "or some starving children? Ooh, I don't know..." He rubs his chin with his finger, like he always does when fake-thinking. Neil's report probably doesn't benefit Comic Relief, but it's not like David works for Comic Relief. He works for Wernham Hogg, and if WH needs that report, then it's his job to provide it, regardless what its significance is on a global scale, or compared to global issues like starvation. Or, say, entertainment and game shows. Those save the world!

"What would Lenny Henry say? I think we know. Imagine him going out the door on Comic Relief day, and Dawn French is going, 'Where you going? You haven't done the washing up! You haven't put the rubbish out!'" He gives the camera the finger, apparently as Lenny Henry, and seems like he's really angry and about to lose control. He's even shaking. "Do it yourself, I've gotta save some Africans!" Then he calms down a bit, obviously remembering where he is and what he's doing. I can't really comment on his choice of people for the example, because I'm not British and I'm too lazy to do research right now; suffice to say that they are married British comedians, so I guess he's just assuming Dawn French nags at Lenny Henry about trivialities, which... yeah, kinda sexist. Also, stupid stupid David for giving this interview. It's not like Neil didn't notice his anger before, but it's just plain dumb to give an interview to a camera crew probably willing to use any negativity they can to spice up a boring documentary. I'd say the rule of thumb is that if you're really mad, don't say anything to the camera crew that will ultimately show it to the whole world long after you calmed down. Of course, David feels like he has to defend himself and trivialize Neil's warning, but even if he was going to do that, he should have done that later when he was calmer. He just doesn't get it. He needs to suck it up and take the humiliation, because it's already happened, and learn from it so there will be no further humiliations for him. Kicking and screaming won't do.

Dawn is reading a travel brochure in the break room. Behind him, Ali Keith is staring blankly ahead as usual. He's sitting in a position where he can look at her the whole time, which would bother me, and also seems to bother Dawn as she doesn't really look at him once. I think I'll transcribe a part of their brilliant little dialogue.
Keith: What are you reading?
Dawn: (sighing deep, as if she was hoping he wouldn't ask) Holiday brochures.
Keith: Why's that then? Going on holiday?
Dawn: Possibly, yeah...
Keith: (interrupting her) Where to?
Dawn: The States.
Keith: (muses with a sideways smile and his eyes closed, then asks:) United States?
Dawn: Uh, yeah. (Lifts her head from the brochure in surprise, tho not facing Keith)
Then Keith mentions the Annoying Love Triangle that I'm getting tired of even mentioning in the recaps. He treats it with Keith-like anvilism, of course: "I don't know if you've heard the gossip, but Tim's going out with Rachel... Cos he used to fancy you, didn't he? Oh yeah, yeah, he did and ... now he's found someone better." Ewan McIntosh's delivery is just gold. It's always the same monotonous tone, and I don't understand how someone can be that monotonous that long. However, I did edit out the Dawn responses, because she's just trying to act like she doesn't care, and it annoys me that that's practically all she gets to do throughout season 2, apart from her scenes with David. It's a waste of a great actress. However, props to the writers for making all the idiots - Lee and Keith - around Dawn act like Rachel is so much better than her because she's better-looking, in the conventional sense. Of course we're not meant to side with Keith.

Tim's desk. Gareth hops in. It looks kind of labored. He sits down and reaches for his phone while Tim sighs deep, I guess because of the hopping. But there is no phone to reach for! He turns to Tim: "Seen my phone?" "Huh?" says Tim a little too quickly. "Where's my phone?" "Mm," says Tim as if he's not surprised at all. "Have you got it?" he says, but Tim interrupts him again with "Uh?" Gareth asks where he put it, while Tim makes eye movements that imply surprise and idnignation that he's being blamed for this. Gareth hops around trying to find his phone, but doesn't find it. "It's for charity," Tim says. "What else did you take? -Where's my tiny tanks?" Tim laughs out loud gleefully like a schoolboy. Hee, tiny tanks. Maybe they and his tiny ego have been stashed in somewhere. "How am I supposed to work?" Gareth says angrily. "You'll just have to hop to it," says Tim.

Keith and Dawn continue their "conversation". The way it's intersected with the Tim and Gareth scene, seems a bit like there's been a long pause - too long for a polite, normal conversation. But can you have one with Keith anyway? Keith just lacks all social skills. Sadly, his conversational skills are not that far exaggerated from some types you meet at offices, who always want to talk to you but can't think of anything to say.
Keith: Lot of crime in America.
Dawn: Right, well, I'll be careful.
Keith (solemnly): Word of advice. Keep your traveller's checks in a bombag.
Dawn: T-thanks, I'll buy one.
Keith: What, when you get there?
Dawn: Yeah.
Keith: (sighs, closes eyes and shakes head) Word of warning then. Out there htey call them fanny packss. Cos fanny means your arse over there. (nods solemnly) Nott. Your minge. (bites Scotch egg).
Dawn (lifts her eyes from the brochure in disbelief, but still doesn't look at Keith.)
This was just brilliant. Keith with his duh knowledge, talking about minges to a woman he barely knows. Dawn never once looking at him. Keith's closed eyes and head-shaking. Brilliant.

Tim is very focused on his work as Gareth hops back. "Where is.. God, you're so immature!" he exclaims. The camera zooms out to show an empty desk with nothing but a mouse on it. "Right, I demand that everything..." Yeah, because he's team leader, so Tim had better do as he says! "Gareth stopped hopping, everyone!" Tim shouts, and Gareth starts hopping again just for that. Hee! Tim really knows what strings to pull. It's not like Gareth has to prove that he will hop forever if that's what it takes. "How am I supposed to do any work?" asks Gareth. "I've told you, it's for charity," says Tim pretending to be meek and gentle. "It's not for charity, is it? It's for you winding me up," says Gareth. Wow, even he knows what it's about. "Gareth stopped hopping again," Tim says. Gareth gets annoyed and starts with a low voice, but then continues to everyone: "I don't have to hop all day! It's just when I'm moving." "Where does it say that in the rule book?" says Tim. I love how Gareth always acts like he has to defend himself with these mundane little things. He finds something that's his, but the camera moves to Dawn who's really amused at what's going on, of course. She's shyly giggling to herself, which is cute. "Gareth, stop hopping around. Have a seat, you've been on your foot all day," says Tim. Hee, foot. Also - yeah, he's winding him up, of course. Sure enough, we soon hear Gareth shout: "How do you hide a chair?!" I must say Tim is very skilful at this. Maybe this should be his day job, he would feel much more accomplished in his life.

Even if Sheila walks by the working men in a Superwoman costume, it's still as dull a workday as any. Red nose or not, the work at Wernham Hogg goes on in the usual monotonous way.

Dawn is at her desk, looking bored, as Tim comes in and says, "Dawnie..." It's still awkward between them, and as Tim gives her a letter to deliver and asks if she's alright, she just smiles and says, "Yeah, are you?" It sounds friendly, but distant, like there's a barrier between them. Lee comes in. He brings Dawn her sandwich - "prawn and avocado", he reads from the label. It's one of those sandwiches you can buy readily packaged. They don't taste like anything, but it's a typical working lunch. Dawn wants Lee to stay for some reason, maybe to show Tim she has a happy relationship just like him, but Lee has to get back. She stops him halfway to say she's made 19 pounds, and Lee stops to look at the coin jar. "Any of it going to English kids, or is it all going abroad I suppose?" asks Lee selfishly. It's the kind of attitude David was talking about earlier when he assured the viewers that British people are also getting some of it. Tim doesn't seem to like his attitude either. "Well, will you please.. stop moaning and give her a quid for a kiss," he says. "I'm not paying for it, mate," says Lee, making Dawn sound kind of not worthy again, even if he doesn't mean it. I think. "Them's the rules," says Tim half-jokingly. Lee obliges. He puts a bill in and says, "What do I get for that?" Then he draws Dawn close to him over the counter and kisses her in the neck.It's a kind of tenderly aggressive gesture, if you can say that. Dawn seems like she doesn't really like it - she tries to pull herself away - but pretends to smile afterwards. Tim looks awkward at this display of "affection". I think Lee's just marking his territory there, as usual. Lee's the only one who laughs.

Tim puts in a pound and says, "My contribution." "Where do you want your kiss?" asks Dawn, but Tim tries to get out of it - out of respect for her, no doubt, even if it seems more like he's rejecting her. She says it's the rules, then pulls him closer and kisses him passionately. And he returns the kiss. And then they both disengage, looking frightened at what just happened. Tim walks away after an awkward moment, while Dawn is left to look after him longingly. And yeah, it's a nice naturalistic moment where two people kind of let their guard down. If you want to write fanfic about what happened at that one office party where they both had too much to drink and Lee couldn't come, go ahead. Also, it seems like Dawn is the dominant one in their relationship - also later on when she leaves Lee and finally takes action. Tim never plays the neanderthal. He doesn't try to beat Lee up or fight for Dawn; he doesn't try to impress her with childish bragging. He simply lets her make her decisions. There's a lot of respect there.

Tim is spinning a pen in his hands, staring at it intently, and trying to pretend he's working. Gareth is setting up his old-fashioned monitor. I shouldn't say anything because I still use a similar monitor, but it's huge and the wires look so dated. Computers age faster than anything else. Rachel walks in wearing a tight blue shirt. And yeah, it looks good on her, but I'm also a little tired of seeing her in tiny shirts. She sits on Tim's desk and closes his calendar and some other book he has open, saying, "I'm very, very, very bored." Tim acts like he doesn't really want to see her. And I think I'd find it rude of a girlfriend to just put away my work like that. There are better ways of engaging my attention. Rachel's being kind of dominating in this scene - she just sits on his desk like that, decides that they're going to talk now instead of working. Gareth says, "Excuse me! Desk procedures, chairs are for sitting on." Rachel jokes to Tim that Gareth's jealous of the view Tim's getting. It's kinda rude of her to ignore a polite, if condescending, request to sit down on a chair. I guess I can't blame her for wanting to piss Gareth off, but as much as I despise Gareth (or at least his behaviour), I must say I'd feel disturbed too if a lovey-dovey couple were sitting that close to me at work. Couples who have just fallen in love are annoying, even if I fell in love myself not long ago. I don't coo in front of strangers, because it's just rude.

"Wrong," says Gareth in his usual blunt way. "I've got the arse this side, so... I'd only want to sit where he's sitting if you was wearing a skirt and I could be looking up there... at itt." Eww! Not much of a tit man, I guess. It's hard to hate him because he's so sad, but I wouldn't take comments like that if I were Rachel. Tim laughs a bit, a laughter of disgust and disbelief, and Rachel jokes, "Aren't you going to defend my honour?" Tim acts shy and Rachel teases, "He's getting a bit embarrassed by his new girlfriend!" Tim just weakly says, "No I'm not." He's smiling, so it's not totally rejecting, but he does seem absent-minded and somehow not with it. Rachel picks up on that. "Are you OK?" she asks softly. Tim says he is. She kisses him on the cheeks and gets up from the desk. Tim smiles awkwardly. "We cool?" Rachel checks again. Tim just puts his thumb up. Ouch. He really doesn't feel it anymore, because he's in love with Dawn and can't just turn it off. He picks up some kind of brochure or magazine and starts browsing thru it, but you can tell he's distracted and embarrassed by the presence of the camera.

Season 2, Episode 5, Part 3: "Dance Fusion"

And here it is, David's dance. Now, I realize this is one of the best-known clips of the whole show, and I'm not sure what to think about it. In one way, it's really funny. In another way, if someone only knows this clip and nothing else about the show, that's not necessarily a good thing, and I know Gervais/Merchant feel that way too. The real joke isn't that he looks funny dancing like that, but that he embarrasses himself because of his own stupid pride and hunger for attention. If you see the clip without the context, it becomes a simple physical joke of the kind this show doesn't usually do, and I don't like to think that some people get that idea. He does look funny dancing though, I can't deny that.

Neil and even Gareth look a bit embarrassed at David's bragging, but Rachel decides to put him to the test: "Alright then mate, let's... you know, show us your moves." Is she only trying to humiliate him? It's possible. After all, Rachel is one of Neil's employees, and after Bluto/Mr Toad and other events, she can't have a very high opinion of him. And now he's acting like Rachel and Neil's dance was basically nothing. Maybe he deserves to be tested then. "Nah, there's no beat, is there," says David, playing awkwardly with his tie. He didn't think he'd actually have to dance after saying he's so good at it. "Come on," says Neil who surely wants to see him humiliate himself. "You had music and everything," David protests to an ever louder sea of "Come on!" Jamie and Emma start clapping their hands and others soon join in. "Alright, just for charity," agrees David finally. He starts humming a song to the beat and others join in, and he starts with basic "swaying to the music" moves. What follows is a sad sign that he was lying. I feel inadequate to describe it because I know absolutely nothing about dancing, and it's hard to write about something that looks funny, but here goes.

He suddenly jumps into a near-squatting position and starts moving his arms like, um... a windmill? A robot? It's kind of a mix between the two. It's very dorky, but kinda impressive of Gervais. Funnily enough, it looks both badly improvised by David and well rehearsed by Gervais - he's touching one arm with the other, which seems to start a rotating movement from the elbow down. But that only lasts for a moment. He won't stay in one place for an instant, he's desperate to think of something new. He keeps jumping back and forth, and now he's shaking his chest while holding out his arms in a kind of limbo movement. Trudy, Neil and Jennifer start looking more and more incredulous as they clap, and the same is true of Tim (gaping with his mouth open) and Jamie (furrowing his brows). The humming starts to die down and David's own loud and desperate hoarse humming comes out louder. He's throwing his legs in the air like a cancan dancer, then he goes in the near-squatting position again, pointing at each employee at a time. Reaction shot from Oliver and Older Male Employee, who were so impressed with Rachel and Neil earlier. They now look embarrassed and incredulous. David does some spins near the ground - he really seems to think you have to get as near as possible to the ground while dancing, as if it makes it a cool and daring move if you're squatting. He does the robot/windmill thing with his arms again. My favorite is when he goes lower and lower as his shoulders go right and left as his arms under the elbows wave in the air... It's impossible to describe just how dorky that looks. He's biting his lip in desperation. Reaction shot from Jamie as he looks like "wtf?" David spins around once again and then points at the camera as he stops humming.

A very vague round of applause. "Great, Dave," says Tim, using a nickname apparently to seem more genuine. Sheila looks like she feels really sorry for David. Keith looks sad in his own expressionless way. Brenda actually seems to be smiling to herself a little. Is she happy that this annoying wheelchair-phobe humiliates himself? Everyone looks like they don't know how to react politely to the dance. "Give me a warning next time," says David, looking embarrassed. He's flushed and is grinning widely. So at least this time he knows he made a fool of himself. Gareth says, "We don't have to give a donation for that, do we?" While he's usually more brown-nosing than that, Gareth lacks the subtlety and tact of the others, so it's just typical Gareth, voicing what everyone was thinking. David, flustered, says, "Don't say it like that! All the money collected is for both dances!" Right, because it was collected before people even knew David was gonna dance. "Both were excellent dances," he says. "You know, if there is a difference, mine was impromptu. So..." So it was better than Neil's dance, even if it was pretty terrible, because you didn't have time to rehearse? You know, if anything, that makes it seem worse; if you say you dance "big time" and describe your dancing skills as David did earlier, you should be able to come up with something on the spot. "But I don't think you should get extra points for that, necessarily. Make your own minds up! Leave me out of it. I'm collecting for charity! Right? So..." He shakes the money bucket a bit and walks away with it. Everyone looks uncomfortable. Poor David, and yet.. heee. I love how he acts like he is so modest and doesn't care which dance they preferred, and it's all for charity. That dance was all for vanity.

David interview. "You've seen me entertain and raise money. But maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living. You know, use my humor and my profile to both help and amuse people. You know, and if it's ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I'm your man." I love that last sentence, because it kind of comes out nowhere - how do game show ideas save lives? I thought he was going to help people, not offer his game show ideas to big network execs who may or may not be watching the documentary. I think the game show ideas comment shows his true intentions - he's not genuinely interested in helping people, he just wants publicity, and game shows are an easy way of being pretty uncreative whilst getting lots of viewers and entertaining people.

"I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I'd like to do that on a global scale." Maybe he should start with management training podcasts - it would surely amuse people around the world. "And that's not going, 'Oh look at me today! I'm entertaining whilst saving lives, aren't I brilliant!' It's going, 'If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help... save these guys who are starving... who are also brilliant.'" Right, so in the end, he is brilliant, but it's not about that, it's about helping others..and their brilliance. It's a bit like the time he said being a boss isn't about people thanking him, it's about them thinking they must remember to thank him - same difference, and equally lacking in depth, tho it might sound deep at first glance (at least to someone, um, brilliant like David).

As usual, he digresses even further into a thought process that isn't particularly helpful for his point: "Not as entertainers, you know... A lot of them can't even speak English, don't give them their own game show. But, um, save them from dying at least, and then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television, whatever, or whatever they have, the wireless, or something. Give them a job on the World Service or something." Hee! The only way of being brilliant and helping your country is, of course, performing on some kind of national TV or radio show and entertaining people. So the objective of saving people from starving is that they can also be entertainers. What a glorious prospect for those people! I'm sure there are lots of stand up comedians and talk show hosts in Africa just going totally to waste because they can't speak English, and they're also starving to death. What a tragedy! I don't think he meant to go in this direction; I think he just got caught up in the idea of how his brilliance will help and inspire others. It's kind of pathetic how he thinks brilliance equals publicity - just because you're a game show host, you're by definition brilliant. And that whole "don't give them their own game show" kind of sounded like he fears competition from brilliant starving people after their starving is stopped - they should at least stay in their own country and not take the jobs of brilliant Europeans. So he manages to show his xenophobia here as well. Brilliant, David. The red nose day really seems to resurface some of his entertaining dreams and hopes, which seems almost cruel especially thinking of the firing scene coming up. He's in for a rude awakening.

But first, Gareth's mates appear at Dawn's desk. They make "funny" faces at the camera and seem kind of hyper. They're wearing white doctor suits and stetoscopes around their necks, and they have a bloody-looking bucket in their hands. And one of them - Stephen Merchant. I love him. I'm glad he got more of a role in Extras, because he's a great comedic actor. We've heard him once before as the voice of the Oggmonster, and now we get to see him. He looks a lot younger as Oggy than he does in the Extras role, and I'm not really sure why that is. Jimmy the Perv - hee - rings the bell on Dawn's desk and says, "We're from the local mental hospital. Is Gareth Keenan here? Cos he's escaped!" "Cos he is mental," explains Oggy excitedly. Yeah, we get it. Jimmy makes weird hyper hand movements. They both act like they either had a few drinks or ate a huge bag of candy before coming in, so they're totally hyper. Gareth jumps up to them looking excited. "It's my crew," he tells Tim who's furrowing his brows. Gareth has a crew? It sounds like such a cute word choice. Gareth assumes the same "laughing just because I'm so excited" pose as the other guys and slaps hands with them a bit. Jimmy wants to buy a kiss for a quid, and he takes coins from his bucket o'blood. Dawn obliges and leans to him, but as he thrusts out his tongue kind of aggressively, she just gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and quickly turns away. However, Jimmy puts in another coin. The camera zooms in on Gareth who says, "My mad mates," looking around him to see if everyone is appreciating the brilliance and fun of his crew. Seriously. They are lame, all of them. I'm sure everyone else in the office can see through their "little boys" act. Dawn says, "Oh..." off camera, and we just know Jimmy's trying something again. Ewww. She laughs awkwardly. You know, the kisses for a quid idea is just an invitation for horndogs like Jimmy and Finchy to take advantage of her. Gross. We see Tim looking at the crew tiredly. A raspberry is blown off camera and the guys laugh. Seriously. What lame-asses.

"Sorry about this, this is my mad mates," Gareth tells Dawn. He's not sorry, at all; he thinks it's great and they're the funnest thing that ever happened in the office. Jimmy has more coins handy, and I have to wonder if Gareth didn't tell them about kisses for a quid and how they can kiss a pretty girl all they want as long as they bring the money. Jimmy leans toward Dawn with his tongue half out, and Dawn looks like she's had enough of this. "Snog him," says Oggy excitedly, and it's even more hilarious if you know it's Stephen fucking Merchant, who is very intelligent and mature and would never act like this out of character. Love it. David walks in to have his share of the fun. "They've finally come to take you away then?" he says and giggles at his own joke. "Are you MAD as well?" Jimmy the Perv asks him. "Guilty," says David and laughs toward the camera: see how cool and fun and hip he is? "He's the boss," says Gareth. "Oh, give us a job!" begs Jimmy jokingly. "I've already got one [wrecked?] mate, thanks very much," says David who, so far, has been able to joke on the same level, but is about to blow it. Gareth introduces them: Jimmy the Perv and Oggmonster, the names I've already been using because it's easier recapping wise. David shakes hands with both of them. "Bloody hell," he says when he sees Oggmonster. "What's the weather like up there?" Merchant really is freakishly tall. He's more than a head taller than Gervais, so they look funny together.

Oggy seems to take this in stride, but as David takes it a bit further and jokes that his parents went: "Let's grow ourselves a lanky goggle-eyed freak!", he takes offense. And really, who wouldn't? It's an awful thing to say, even jokingly. I know guys like rough humor at each other's expense, but come on. Thisa is one reason why I don't think David would be a success as an entertainer. He always takes it too far, and even if he can't take a joke on himself, he will always make fun of others. Oggy points out that he didn't call David fatty, which is a bit uncalled for, but understandable in this situation. "I was just joining in the..." David tries to explain himself. Well, no one else was giving personal insults for looks, so is that joining in or is that starting a whole new line of mean jokes? "And don't have a go at the eyes, because that is astigmatism that I've had since the age of five, so that's what makes them a bit bulbous." Aww. Still, hee at bulbous, it's a funny word. I can't take this seriously knowing it's Merchant. His eyes don't look the same way on Extras, so I think they were using some kind of contact lense here.

"I didn't call you like the Whale Man, or the Blubber Man..." Hey, he's not that big. David says, "I don't go around calling myself the Mongboy." "I don't either, I call myself the Oggmonster." Interesting that David can't remember the nickname he was told just a moment ago. "I'm not gonna call you the Oggmonster," says David, as if not using his self-chosen nickname proves that he's OK to David. "Well, that's my name, so..." says the Oggmonster. "No it's not. What's your real name?" says David. "Nathan." "It's a good name," says David and looks at the camera. "Is it?" says Oggy almost in tears. "I'll call you Nathan," says David in a soft voice. "I didn't call you fatty, so..." says Oggy/Nathan, bursts into tears and walks away quickly. "What's the matter with him?!" says David indignantly, as if he was being wronged here. Yeah, you can really take a joke, Bluto. Dawn, Gareth and even Jimmy the Perv look awkward. Jimmy's fingering his stetoscope like David often touches his tie (he's not doing it now though). Tim stares with his mouth open, then looks at the camera. Ahh, the awkwardness. I'm loving it.

Life goes on as usual, even if it is red nose day, and everyone looks pretty bored. After the few seconds of work, we see Tim walking around with a sponsorship form. He says he's decided "to enter into the spirit a bit more" - by "hiding Gareth's belongings", as he explains to a laughing Oliver. Anonymous Swinnie Male offers him "two quid for the lot". I haven't noticed this before, but now I wonder if he isn't getting back at Gareth for letting his mates humiliate Dawn like that. If so, this is a very nice way of making Gareth pay. And scene. We'll see more of that later.

Season 2, Episode 5, Part 2: "Dirty Little Pervert"

Employees working to the sound of the usual phones ringing. One of them has his shirt backwards, but it still seems as dull as always. The shirt backwards thing is kinda lame anyway - "imagine if we all wore the same clothes, but backwards!" Wouldn't be much of a parallel universe.

Tim tells Gareth he's doing the same as Dawn, selling kisses for a pound. Gareth says he wouldn't pay if he did. "I'll put a pound in for you," says Tim generously and gets up. Gareth doesn't seem to know what's going on. "I wouldn't kiss you if you paid me," he says. "I am paying, Gareth," says Tim ."It's quite simple. So..." He goes to Gareth, still talking about how it's all charity, and manages to sneak up on him and almost kiss him. Gareth starts evading as Tim is hugging him. "Why are you such a bender?" asks Gareth whose masculinity is threatened in this terrible way. And on Red Nose Day of all days! Dawn laughs to herself as the boys struggle. "I'm not kissing you, I didn't put a pound in," says Gareth as if Tim's kisses-for-a-pound scheme is somehow eral. "You are such a pervert! Dirty little pervert!" Tim doesn't mind pretending to be gay, if it's done in the spirit of humiliating Gareth. "That feels good though," he says. "I hope you're getting all this," Gareth tells the camera. Tim echoes him. In the tradition of all schoolyard bullies, Tim turns everything Gareth says into a joke at him. "I hope your girlfriend knows you're gay, cos otherwise there's gonna be a big surprise," says Gareth. "Oh, is this your big surprise? I found out his big surprise!" says Tim. Then he finally lets go of Gareth, who seems to relax a bit, but is still indignant. Oh, Gareth, with all your talk about the army and your killer instincts, don't you feel it when someone's stalking you from behind? Tim comes right back and kisses Gareth straight on the lips. Gareth looks very serious and humiliated. "That was one way, I didn't kiss him back," he tells the camera. Duh! Tim pretends to be gagging and looks like he sucked on a lemon, but of course he's jubilant that this worked. Dawn laughs and wipes her eye a bit, tho she doesn't look like she laughed herself to tears. I'm left wondering why I find the Tim/Gareth scenes so funny even if I hate bullying. Maybe it's because Tim isn't truly malicious - he's just fed up with Gareth in the same way siblings get tired of each other and start bickering. Tim and Gareth really act like brothers sometimes. Maybe that also means there's some affection between them?

Some employees are still working, while others are playing a game of.. not sure what it's called, but it's the one where you put your hands behind your back and a tangerine under your chin and try to juggle the fruit under someone else's chin. Emma passes it on to Jamie, who passes it on to Trudy. David's excited, waiting for Trudy to pass it on to him; maybe he's waiting to feel Trudy's big boobs against his own chest. But just as it's his turn, Jennifer walks in and asks people to gather around, "We've got a little surprise for you." David is clearly pissed off. "On my turn - remember where we were!" he says to the others, but they're not paying attention anymore. He kicks the tangerine to the wall. David, don't waste food! That's a perfectly good tangerine, only the peel is a bit sweatty. Everyone gathers round and Jennifer compliments Sheila on her costume, "you look fantastic." Sheila seems pleased. I like her. But as usual, Sheila is just a side character, and the show of the day is performed by "the fantastic Neil Godwyn and the lovely Rachel!" I'm not gonna go too deep into feminist issues, but I think it's annoying that the male performer always has a last name and the female sidekick is just the sidekick with just the first name. But it's not really the issue here and Jennifer, who's aware of gender issues, is probably just echoing the way presenters usually talk about shows like this. I'm not really sure why that bugged me.

Back on topic, Rachel comes in wearing a pretty if dated red dress and a big red fluffy thing in her hair, while Neil's got a whole John Travolta thing going with his white vest, jacket and pants and black shirt. David doesn't look happy at all that Neil is getting all the attention once again. Neil says they both suffer for their art and asks the audience to suffer with them. I like his humor, it's subtle and natural, and he never expects huge laughs like David. Neil asks Jennifer to play the music, and she presses a button at the corner of a boombox. Is that the play button for the CD? I guess it is. I always find it confusing on TV when they just switch one button on without having to, you know, press "power", then pick the right track and right part of the track and so forth.

Neil and Rachel dance to More Than a Woman. They dance really well. It's 70's style, and I know so little about dancing that I don't know how to describe it. They both seem to be having fun and it looks like they've rehearsed this quite a bit. Everyone looks happy - except of course for David, who looks annoyed. If he weren't so self-centered, he could just relax and enjoy the show, but it's something good for Neil, and that means something bad for him. The male employees seem to find Rachel quite charming and they look at her with tenderness. Brenda laughs and looks happy, which is a nice touch - not the bitter wheelchair-bound girl who will never dance again, but one of the employees enjoying the show put on by two others. I wonder if there's a little hint here that Brenda can forget herself and let others shine while David can't? Even Gareth is bobbing his head to the music and smiling. Dawn, on the other hand, looks concerned as she sees Tim's adoring and proud look at Rachel. People clap and woo as Neil picks Rachel up and spins her around a bit. David looks annoyed, but seems to remember the cameras and makes some kind of belittling gesture with his head and lips. It's hard to tell what he's saying.

Neil now leaves his jacket with Rachel as the song turns into You Should Be Dancing and he takes the stage alone, doing his best John Travolta impression. Everyone's clapping their hands to the beat and laughing, and Neil looks like his in his own element, dancing with humor and quite sexily. Of course, David has to say, "That looks gay!" Everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves and they woo more and more. Rachel shakes his dress to the beat and laughs. It's a kind of encouraging laughter, they're not laughing at him. It's a great show. Neil's a born entertainer, which is probably what bugs David so much. Neil and Rachel hug and Rachel goes up to Tim as Neil goes around with a bucket. Lots of coins drop into the bucket as Dawn rubs her neck and tries not to watch Tim and Rachel make out. David forces on a smile that turns into a grimace.

Neil offers the bucket to David and says he can add it to his own money. David, of course, has to make this a competition: "I've already raised more than that in a way, but cheers. 300 quid I did last time." Neil looks like he's mustering all his patience to listen to this. "And if you wanted dancing you should have come to me," David continues stupidly. "You dance?" says Neil, surprised. Yeah, I wouldn't really expect that from David, he doesn't look very limber. "Big time," says David quickly. "More modern stuff than that as well. I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit." He looks smug at this, as if 80's stuff is both tougher and more creative than 70's stuff. And yeah, very modern. 20 years old when this came out. He didn't really have to start talking about himself either - would it have been so hard to just admit Neil did well and leave it at that? But no, he always has to shine, thus always embarrassing himself. The chapter ends here, rather abruptly in my opinion. So - David's dance in the next post!

Season 2, Episode 5, Part 1: Who Says Famine Has To Be Depressing?

Red Nose Day. The day David gets fired. Oh, this will be great.

Dawn's Desk. David says hi to the camera, adding, "Just another normal day in the office..." He turns away and as he turns back to the camera, he has a red nose on. "Just another normal day, so..." He turns to Dawn, who has more makeup on than usual. "What?" he says. "What are you laughing at? It's just..." and he launches into a crazy laughter. Dawn looks like she's had enough of Red Nose Day already. I love how David just has a red nose - no elaborate costume, no huge pranks on the employees, no big show (well, apart from his "dancing" later on). He's just an underachiever, even if being an entertainer is all he thinks he's about. He can't think of anything better than a red nose. That's, like, older than "man steps on banana peel and falls". David tells us it's Red Nose Day, which is "always a good laugh", and then he spots Keith and tells him to show himself to the camera. Keith comes in wearing a ridiculous yellow Ali G costume, complete with yellow sunglasses, a yellow yarmulke-type hat, and a sports shirt that has the number 05 on it. It's interesting, since Ali doesn't actually have a number on his shirt, at least from what I can remember. With his goatee, Keith actually does look kinda like how Ali G would look if he gained weight. "Ali G. Ali Keith!" laughs David. Keith looks uncomfortable. I do wonder if David just thought of the idea, brought the costume to work and made Keith wear it, because it doesn't look like Keith is very happy with this. He doesn't even smile. Well, he never does, so maybe that's not saying much.

Gareth hops in on one foot. "Look at this, just a normal day... what are you doing?!" he says with laughter in his voice. "Gotta hop everywhere," says Gareth. "Sponsored." Imaginative. I'm not surprised Gareth picked an activity that requires physical fitness. David laughs hysterically. He's really hyper about this. "On a serious note, it is Comic Relief, and we are raising money for people who are starving to death," says David and gets serious all of a sudden. He says "starving to death" with a severity that really doesn't suit the occasion, as he was laughing so hysterically earlier that it seems impossible he really takes this day as seriously as he should, even considering that it's charity that is supposed to be fun too. "If I make people laugh along with saving lives, sue me!" he continues, showing his true colors once again. This day isn't about starving people, it's all about him and his ability to entertain. He's such a philantrophist! He helps people by making them laugh! That's his contribution to the world. And you know, if it were someone who's actually funny saying this, it would make a lot of sense even if it's self-important - people who truly make people laugh have a great contribution to give to the world, but since David doesn't, it just shows him to be a pompous ass. I don't think making people laugh at you is a form of charity per se.

And from the starving people back to the fun: David tells Keith to "do it." Keith reluctantly turns toward the camera and says flatly, "Booyakasha." David laughs hysterically again. It's like he has this image in his head of Keith saying it exactly like Ali G, so it doesn't matter how he actually said it. David's humor somehow excludes others, because he always has to be the one to decide what's funny. That's the opposite of how real comedians work - to be funny to the audience, you need to know your audience and care about their reactions, not just amuse yourself. David, of course, assumes everyone finds him funny anyway, so why try harder? He's using Keith as a prop here, like he did with Dawn in the previous episode. Keith is just supposed to be an amusement to him and a sign of what this day is like. That impression is strengthened as David says from between his laughter: "That's the accountant! And this is the boss encouraging it! So what sort of day is it, is it normal? I don't think so!" Wait, wasn't this branch supposed to be all about having a laugh? So is David kind of admitting that they usually don't have a laugh?

"I've got the Slough Gazette coming down to take a photo", says David. "What time are they coming?" says Gareth, who, like David, is starving for attention. Maybe those two need their own charity drive. But instead of money, they'd be collecting laughs and pats in the back. David says it's "about fiveish", a nice evasive answer that shows he doesn't want Gareth there, but Gareth doesn't get it of course. "They're gonna love us," he says. Yeah, it's so hilarious to see the picture of a man standing on one foot! It's like The Ministry of Silly Walks! "It's just me," says David. Even more fun to see a man in a red nose! Hilarious! And it's really all about the charity and no selfish reasons behind it at all. "We could still be there though," suggests Gareth. "Not really," says David. He really hasn't thought about how it would look if just the boss from the office is in the picture and the article is about the whole office having a fun day. Shouldn't they come into the office and shows the employees and stuff? But no, as Gareth insists on being there, David takes off the nose to yell at him: "Stop trying to worm yourself into someone else's photo!" Wow, such a fun day for everyone! Again, David is excluding others from HIS spotlight, it's not about the office, it's about him. David looks at the camera like he realizes he got a bit too loud about that. Gareth, who is a pushover, doesn't try to fight him and just looks embarrassed. Awkward silence, and..scene. I love this show.

Trudy is sitting at her desk, looking very bored. She has some kind of alien antenna thing on her head. Hilarious! Sheila has a Wonderwoman costume or something like that. It looks so obviously fake it doesn't even look funny. The "Sidekick" monkey on the clothes rack has a red nose on it. I bet no one ever even notices the monkey unless David points at it, so it seems a bit redundant. But it's really typical of David to put the red nose there. The monkey is an extension of him, so it must have a red nose too.

Back at Dawn's desk, David shows Dawn's contribution to the day: a sign saying "Kisses £ 1." Was this her idea or David's? It seems really sexist and degrading for Dawn, as if she isn't used as enough of a prop already. She's wearing way too much makeup, especially around the lips that just stand out from her face, bright red. Her hair is on small buns on the sides of her head - not quite Princess Leia like, but still. David, of course, thinks this is all brilliant. He launches into one of his wonderful blabs and shows his prejudice for a minority, once again: "Bit saucy! Selling kisses! To the lads.. or the ladies... if there are any ladies that like that sort of.. I don't think there are... any in this office... and if there are, good to luck to them, they're all welcome, we're all equal...now, so... It's different for girls anyways, it's more light-hearted. Lower risk." Lower risk for what? Aids? Because all gay guys get aids eventually? It's both sexist and homophobic to claim that lesbians are somehow less serious about their sexuality than gay men, and that it's therefore more ok to be a lesbian. Can't women fall in love with each other, or is it that their sex is less depraved? Also note how he said "we're all equal now", meaning we didn't used to be equal but it just happened lately that gays were elevated as equals. It's like "That was before racism was bad". It's cute how he thinks he's saying something accepting and open-minded, but it's really the opposite. Which is what people often do. Rule of thumb: if you accept gays, just be natural and say what you think, don't try to emphasize how open-minded you are. If you don't accept it, just admit it, because it will show anyway.

"Erotic," adds Gareth who's probably fantasizing about it already. "Well, not in this case," David says and points at Dawn as if she can't be thought of erotically. I think he might have meant it's not erotic because it's Red Nose Day and it's all an act, but it comes off as an offensive comment to Dawn, who looks suitably offended. "I mean it's not a sexual day," David says emphatically. I wonder what would constitute a sexual day for David. What is a sexual day anyway? "And if you thought that was bad," adds David, "here he is! Finchy!" I did think it was bad, but not for the reasons he probably means. However, Finchy is bad in every meaning of the word. He asks Dawn, "Do you mind kissing me on the nose?" Dawn offers to do it if he pays for it. Finchy grabs David's red nose that is still lying on Dawn's desk and puts it on his penis (through the pants, of course). "What would I get for a tenner?" he asks and starts making fake blowjob movements. "Squeal pig, squeal!" And he makes perverted facial expressions that I just can't describe in words and shows a hand movement that I guess imitates the movement of someone sucking him, and I think this is by far the crudest thing he's done on the show. Dawn looks disgusted, while David and Gareth cheer and laugh, because they're little boys and every mention of sex is funny and outrageous (in a good way, of course). And as always, they manage to look like they're only laughing because they think they should be, because Finchy's the cool kid, so even his bad jokes are good. Finchy does this for quite a while, but then he puts the nose away and says, "I'm not that desperate." David is laughing hysterically and shouts gleefully, "Who says famine has to be depressing?!" That is just so David. As if Finchy's show was all about famine, and as if that was even part of the red nose day thing. This show might almost be used as an argument against having a Comic Relief day at the office, at least if your boss is an idiot.

Despite Sheila's outfit and Ali Keith, everyone still looks gloomy as they work on their computers silently. Brilliant moment.

Gareth hops to his desk. Tim looks at him like he's about to say something rude, but holds his tongue at the last minute. We cut to a Timterview, where he says, "I have nothing against this sort of thing, it's a good cause..." We see a male employee from the back, and he has his shirt front and tie in his back. Must have been hard to put them on. "I just don't want to have to join in someone else's idea about wackiness. It's the wackiness I can't stand." I think Tim, who has a more refined and intelligent sense of humor, realizes the dumbness of a day like this in an office where the boss has the worst sense of humor imaginable, so that he's the only one who's going to have fun. When Tim says "someone else's idea", I'm quite sure he means David's. And David, of course, wouldn't get that from watching the show later on.

Tim goes on to say that he finds there's a dignity about someone collecting money for cancer research, "and that's what today is all about..." We hear loud commotion, as Tim is, for once, interviewed at his desk. He turns to look and the camera turns too, to reveal David and a bunch of other male employees taking one of the older male employees off his chair and pulling down his pants. It's totally not fun for him as he shouts, "My wife and kids are gonna see those!" I suppose meaning his balls, but hasn't his wife already seen them, technically? He shouldn't worry as there's censorship over his balls and penis, but still, this is a really stupid way of having "fun". It's typical bully behaviour, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was Finchy's idea. The guys laugh until they're near tears. Keith makes an Ali G like finger snap. David's reaction to all this? He jumps up and down while laughing like a little boy. He's really childish. For some unintelligent people, "humor" means basically the same as "anything I found fun at age 10". Which might also be why some intelligent people look down on humor and comedy and find them childish. We cut back to Tim as he says, "Dignity... Always dignity." Yeah, David's all about dignity. I liked this scene, but it also seemed a bit staged, since they don't usually give interviews at their desks. It would have seemed more realistic if they had cut back and forth from a Timterview in the room where they usually do these bits.

Photocopier spewing copies. A box of SHARP is lying next to it. Does that have some deeper significance? I'll let you be the judge of that.

Dawn's Desk. David's still explaining the meaning of Red Nose Day: "Sure there's people watching this now going, 'Oy, Brent! Why do you still bother with Comic Relief? They're always doing it and there's still people starving.'" I love the 'Oy, Brent!' stuff. Especially when he makes a fake megaphone with the red nose still in his hand. It makes it look particularly ridiculous. "That's why I'm doing it," he continues. OK, so he starts with the idea that some people assume Comic Relief is useless since it hasn't worked before, and goes on to say that he's doing it for that very reason? Once again, I get what he means - he's doing it because people are still starving, but he managed to make it sound like he knows it doesn't make a difference but he's still going to do it for the fun of it. Then he asks the camera guy if they should "put a number up there, if people want to make donations". There is no number, yet he's showing the place where the number could be with his hand, which of course makes him look like an idiot. Maybe he could have taken this up after they shot that scene? The cameraman doesn't answer and there's an awkward silence. Hee!I bet they wanted it to be even more awkward and therefore didn't answer. The camera people seem to have fun with this stuff, which I love.

After the awkward pause, David goes on, imagining how viewers are now saying: "Oh, no! All the money goes to hungry foreigners!" Um, I thought that was the whole point, since there's no famine in the UK. "Not true! A lot of it stays in this country, goes to, you know, homegrown problems." So he claims to be raising money to help starving people, but really he thinks the British problems are more important? I know Gervais/Merchant have done some charity skits, and it seems like they're making a bit of social commentary: people are starving to death and you don't want to help because they're foreigners?

And now, as if the homophobia earlier wasn't enough, David shows once again how prejudiced he is. "Aka, the disableds!" he says cheerfully and yanks Brenda's chair closer to the camera, making Brenda clutch the handles, looking frightened and indignant. So he's saying what? That disabled people are a problem? And he acts like Brenda is an inanimate object that he can just move around, which might be because he only sees the chair, not the person sitting in it. Another example of him using an employee as a prop. "A lot of money goes to these fellows, I mean I'm not saying it goes to you, you don't need it, do you, you're working, but if you do claim for... You might want to claim it for other stuff, and that's up to you." Yeah, I'm sure Brenda feels really comfortable discussing this with you out of the blue and being treated as a charity case that needs help from others, even if she very clearly is self-sufficient and independent.

Gareth hops in and this can only mean disaster. David, of course, never ends when he's still making sense, and he continues with another gem of ignorance: "As long as you don't abuse the system, you know. Sadly a lot of them are." And he points at Brenda while saying it, even if he just said she doesn't need benefits and has a job. Now, how would David know if disabled people are abusing the system or not? He surely has so much experience with people who live on benefits that he can make this claim. I think it's interesting that so many people believe that benefits are only going to lazy liars and/or making people passive, which makes us give less benefits to those who need it, which leads to an escalation of problems, which in turn leads to people thinking that the benefits caused these problems... OK, I won't make this a Party Political Broadcast on Behalf of the Liberal Party, but I do think David's attitude is very common.

Brenda gets annoyed and asks what David means by that. "A lot of people are... abusing... the system," says David. Yeah, I'm sure it's mainly the disableds who do that, because who needs wheelchair ramps and homecare and stuff like that? Everyone should take care of themselves. I don't think that's what David is saying exactly; I think he's just echoing what he's read or heard elsewhere (possibly from Finchy or some other ignoramus), and he just hasn't given this very much thought. The fact that he'd even bring this up in the company of a disabled person means that he probably thinks it's self-evident common knowledge stuff that this is happening. Which makes it even sadder. Tim is furrowing his brows at all this. Gareth weighs in: "You wanna make sure that people that say they're crippled..." "Disabled!" David jumps in quickly. Ooo, don't say the big bad words! Let's be PC now, since we're so open-minded and tolerant. "...actually are...," continues Gareth. "...disabled," David fills in.

Brenda asks Gareth, "Are you suggesting that people are pretending to be disabled in order to claim money off the DSS?" Yeah, it's a pretty ignorant and dumb claim. One thing about disabled people that certain able-bodied people don't realize is that they do not want the pity. It feels awful to be pitied. It feels awful to be seen as "sick", "disabled", "abnormal". Some disabled people try their hardest to seem normal and feel bad when people try to help them. So for a healthy people to pretend to be disabled just to get money would mean that they wilfully take that role. Who does that? And don't you need a doctor's note for getting the money anyway? I do think it'd be pretty difficult to cheat on that. Gareth says, "I don't know". Like David, he obviously hasn't given this very much thought. "I'm just saying there should be tests, that's all." Tim says, "God. What tests?" Gareth replies, "Well, stick pins in their legs. See if they react." And he says that with such confidence, like it's a completely normal thing to say! Tim furrows his brows in an expression of disbelief. Yep, every time you think Gareth can't get any more ignorant and offensive, he'll surprise you.

"That is not gonna work, I have feelings in my legs, I just can't walk," says Brenda. I like this little touch. It shows the writers know that there are different kinds of people in a wheelchair. Gareth obviously doesn't know that. He has the nerve to seem annoyed at being corrected like this. Gareth, you moron, if you're talking about something she knows more about, you have to accept that she won't take your view as the absolute truth. "Alright, I'm just saying there should be tests," says Gareth, offended. "We're all ears, Gareth," says Tim, still looking like he can't believe this.

Gareth is now forced to say something and he tries to come up with something on the spot, interestingly reminiscent of the fire drill some episodes ago: "I dunno, when they go to DSS to pick up the check, they should set off a fire alarm, a fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out of the office, leaving them there. If they're fake they'll be up and running with you; if they're real, they'll be left there screaming...for help!" That's the dumbest and cruellest idea ever. Besides, some of the disabled people who can't work might actually be able to walk in case of emergency, including some of the ones who prefer to be in a wheelchair because it hurts like hell to walk, or something. Of course, Gareth doesn't realize this is possible. Tim looks at Gareth with even more disbelief and glances at the camera quickly. "Then you can come back and say, 'Don't cry, it's just a test, you passed, it's alright, here's your money!'" Yes, that makes everything OK. How fair and caring. David seems to agree with Gareth and continues in a condescending vein: "Spend it on whatever you want, one of those little blue cars or whatever..you want... another..." One of those little blue cars? Does he mean scooters? They're not for joyriding, people use those to get around. And I'm sure the check is for a huge sum, so you can buy whatever you like and not, you know, groceries and bills. "It's just one idea," says Gareth, who seems to sense that Brenda and Tim aren't very convinced with his thoughts. "Yeah," says David. I hope they realize what asses they are.

David gives an awkward look at the camera. Then he points at the glittery horns Brenda has on her head and says, "Ha ha, she's joining in too..do you want to put the nose on?" Why would she want to put the nose on? The nose is lame, David. And that was really patronizing. "No, I don't!" says Brenda angrily. "You don't, OK. It's up to you." Then David makes it obvious he's really talking to the camera: "Up to her. Her own decisionss." Yes, you really respect Brenda's independence. Gareth is just standing around like a schoolboy who's been caught doing mischief. They're both very, very pathetic. Brenda looks at the camera with a very serious look on her face, but says nothing more. I like how she wasn't all raging and fanatic about it, but she could have said a bit more or, I dunno, direct her chair on David and Gareth's toes or something. They would have deserved it.

Season 2, Episode 4, Part 5: "Simply The Best"

I apologize for the delay with this post, but I had a very busy April and rushed recaps are no fun for anyone. I should have more time for this blog again now, so you can expect updates in the normal pace.

How much do I love the chapter names? They often seem very ironic. David is, of course, anything but the best, and the Tina song is easily the worst part of the speech (though perhaps the best part laughter-wise).

And speaking of laughing, David goes on: "Are you familiar with the term 'Laughter is the best medicine'?" He looks at the audience. A woman in the front row shakes her head. Hee! She hasn't heard that before? I think she's just trying to humor him. "Well, it's true," says David. "When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, yeah? Your stress hormones are reduced and the oxygen supply to your blood is increased, so..." Wow. Someone Googled the topic right before the speech. "I try to laugh several times a day just because... it makes you feel good!" claims David. He's so fun and spontaneous - yet healthy! That's why we see him laughing so much at the office. I'm not even sure if we've ever seen him laugh in a completely relaxed way. He's always giggling at his own jokes and it always ends up so awkward. Or he's laughing at Finchy's filthy jokes even if it looks like he doesn't get them.

David now tries to engage the audience in a laughing session. "Let's try that, eh? Ohohoo... Hahaha... Just, just... Hahahaha... Come on, trust me.. you'll feel.. HahaHAhaha! O-o-o-o-a-hahahahaa..." Seriously, it's so bad. He sounds like a monkey gone insane. Needless to say, no one else is laughing, and he looks more and more awkward, which makes him laugh harder and harder. He beats his thighs and bends over laughing and his face is very red. What was he thinking? Well, he probably didn't plan this ahead of time, but suggesting a task like this to an audience in such a small setting is about the dumbest engaging activity you can have. They're not going to humiliate themselves by laughing like monkeys in front of everyone in the office. I'd almost say he should have done the "sticks and stones" thing, even if that was by far not a constructive task, and he probably would have gotten mad. Ray and Jude look confused and shocked like they're not sure if this is part of his plan or if he just went insane on the spot. He starts to sound quite out of breath, but the laughter has taken him hostage, even if he started with a fake laugh.That always happens when you start fake-laughing. Try it sometime. This goes on for quite a while, it's just one of those brilliant awkward scenes in The Office.

Dawn looks at David with pity. She doesn't look quite as shocked as Ray and Jude, though, because she sees so much of him at the office. We cut to a Dawnterview where she says, "I'd.. be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected." Hee! I love this quote paired with the image of Dawn staring at David, forced to see him make a fool of himself on her free time. Dawn tells us a story that most grown ups can recognize: her school had a reunion - she didn't go, and she doesn't say why, but she probably doesn't want to tell everyone about her job as a receptionist and her Neanderthal boyfriend she's been seeing since she was a teenager - "but one girl in my class, it turns out, now runs her own Internet auction website, making a fortune, and is happily married to a marine biolgoist. She used to eat chalk!" Dawn seems shocked that a girl who used to eat chalk can now be successful. I've noticed that popularity in school really has very little to do with how your life turns out to be. If anything, the more popular you are, the less successful you will be in life. Of course, she might be lying about her success too - marine biologist is, after all, what George Costanza claimed to be.

Back to the speech, where a deflated and flushed David gives up on the audience, luckily not as openly disappointed as in the first day speech. He still tries to sound playful: "Well, that's about it for yours truly... Thanks for taking all I had to... throw at you. I'm spent. But I am now going to make like a banana... and split." He giggles; no one laughs. He points at one guy in the front row and says, "He got it." Um, I think they all got it... which is why they didn't laugh. He puts the sad backwards cap back on. So it's not so much his speech cap as it is his... beginning-and-end cap? "OK, before I go though, promise me you'll remember one thing. Yeah? Just remember..." and he turns on the boombox that starts playing Tina Turner's Simply the Best from the chorus: "...You're the best! Better than all the rest! Better than anyone! Anyone I've ever met!" Oh my god. David now runs back to the center of the room and starts clapping his hands over his head to the music. With his backwards cap on. He's really acting like he's in a rock concert. "Listen to her, listen to her!" he yells excitedly. The camera shows the audience, who look bored and awkward, like they don't know how to respond to this. A bearded man in a cap - not backwards! - gives the camera an annoyed look. The upbeat song and David's mood are in stark contrast with the bored-out-of-their-minds audience. Did he really think the audience would get motivated just from hearing this song? In one way I feel sorry for him, but in another way... Heee. He's right tho - he's unorthodox, doesn't play by "the rules".

So, David's Motivational Technique Tips, as heard in his speech!
1. Think that at least you've got your health.
2. Think that at least you have your arms and legs.
3. Think that at least you're not dead.
4. Laugh maniacally.
5. Listen to Tina Turner.

They may sound unrelated to the casual reader, but really, there's an intricate connection between all these things, and that connection is "stuff that popped into David's head during the speech". Wow. I'm feeling pretty motivated right now.

"I've been David Brent! You've been the best! See you later!" David shouts over the music and then jogs away from the room, leaving the music blaring. The other speakers and the audience look after him, confused. The best way to end a speech, leaving the audience wondering what the fuck that was about and whether this can be the ending. Ray rubs his temple in a great naturalistic disappointed gesture. The actor manages to make it look pretty unconscious. He and Jude assume the same look, one of resignation. Their mouths straighten to a sideways I, implying that they realize this is all they're going to get and they settle for it. Jude gets up and shuts down the music. Which, by the way, was way too loud, perhaps to create an excited concert mood. "Yes, um, our thanks to David -" starts Jude, but David comes back to the door and demands: "Who stopped it?" Jude stutters that she did. "No, don't stop it, leave it going right til the end, til I get..." ..where? To the end of the hallway or back to the door? If he was going to pull a stunt like this, he should have let Jude and Ray know in advance instead of demanding them to understand his every whim on the spot. "Don't do that again next time, OK?" he says, and again, not the best way of dealing with this. He doesn't seem to realize that they can fire him from the task if he acts like an idiot, and he can't just talk to Jude like that. He's not being all that loud or anything, but he is kind of embarrassing her in front of the audience.

David lifts his hand in a salute to the audience, a bit too long as if he's waiting for some kind of response and not getting it. Are they supposed to wave back? Then he jogs out, even if the other three speakers are still sitting there in the room. OK, he was the last speaker, but he might have wanted to act a bit less like the big shot star. It's kinda amusing how he thinks they will all instantly know him to be the main attraction. Sometimes going on last doesn't mean you're the star, David. And did I mention how ridiculously old he looks in that outfit that he's wearing so he'd look like a young boy? Jude apologizes. She seems shy and insecure. "David Brent, Wernham Hogg," she tells the audience, who clap as little as they possibly can while still remaining polite. One particular guy only claps twice, and slowly at that. Mark Frown looks after David in disbelief and puffs up his cheeks in a "whew" gesture. You better believe it, Mark - that was pure David Brent. Jude proceeds to give out brochures to the participants. A fat guy in the front row doesn't seem to want one, or else doesn't notice it since he's looking at the camera with a blank stare. Maybe he's still too... motivated from David's performance to focus on such a mundane detail. His look at the camera is a bit Keith-like.

"Backstage", David is energetic and cheerful. He tells the camera he'll tell us a secret: "Before I went out there, I was a little unsure if I still had it." He giggles. Wow, talk about low self esteem. He was unsure if he has it? David, let me assure you, you haven't lost your ability to make a complete fool of yourself. Of course, he uses the imaginary opinion of the public as his witness: "I'll let you be the judge of that, you know what I mean!" he says and high fives Dawn with so much force that she cries, "Ow!" I love how throughout this speech, before and after, David's using Dawn as a prop. It really shows how highly he thinks of her. Need someone to dump your heavy boombox on? Dawn's there, use her. Need someone to throw your childish cap at? Try Dawn! Want to high five someone? Can't high five the camera crew, do it to Dawn instead! He just expects her to be in awe of his skills and be ready to wipe his boots any minute. Which is probably how many employers think of receptionists. Dawn looks at him with disgust.

David then proceeds to take his shirt off (!) and expose his gut. What does he do with the shirt? Throws it at Dawn, of course. Sweatty old shirt? Throw it at Dawn! Ray comes in, professional with his suit and tie, while David's standing there shirtless and doesn't seem embarrassed at all. "Here he is!" David says gleefully. "Tina a bit too much for you?" Ray smiles awkwardly and adjusts his tie. David's rubbing off on him already! "That's your job. Hold me back, cos when I'm out there I'm booom and it's like vrrrr... So... it's your job I'm afraid." Wow. Basically he's telling Ray, who hired him for this job, to watch out because he's a loose cannon and won't even try to control his actions on stage. That's the dumbest thing you can ever tell an employer or manager of any kind, because you're basically denying any responsibility for your own actions. How is Ray going to control him on stage, anyway? Is he going to smack David's face and make him normal again?

David throws around his arms, making Dawn step away so he doesn't hit her again. He seems to be all too full of energy right now, like he's on sugar high or something. Maybe he should have had some calming weed before the speech. Dawn tries hard not to look at his gut, but then David puts on spray deodorant, and guess who he sprays it at? Poor Dawn coughs indignantly, but David doesn't even notice. "Tell you what though - they seemed to go for it, didn't they?" says David to Ray. Which audience was he looking at? He must be delusional. They were bored out of their skulls. The earring is still incredibly funny, even if I've seen it throughout the episode. It just serves to mock everything he says and does. Awesome.

"Knock knock," says Jude and walks in. David immediately sucks his gut in fiercely, like he wants to appear handsome in the company of an attractive woman. Note that he doesn't mind Dawn seeing him the way he is, perhaps because she's below his status and therefore automatically attracted to him, no matter what. "Well done," lies Jude with a fake smile. She seems a bit out of breath saying it, like she's trying too hard to appear honest. "What'd you think?" asks David. "Well, my taste's a bit more traditional," Jude says carefully. "Bit too rock'n'roll for you?" asks David. "Possibly," says Jude. "Each his own, each his own," says David. He doesn't say "or her", even if the person he's talking to is a woman, and even if this is probably small potatoes to David, Jude might well be picking up on it as well as his jerky attitude on Dawn. I sure would in her position. David changes to a blue shirt that looks infinitely better on him than the hideous white one, and isn't tucked into his jeans so it doesn't make him look as fat. Why didn't he wear this to the speech? Because he wanted to look like a 12-year-old boy, I guess. He's just so unaware of how he looks to others, and his next comment shows that as well.

"Better warn you now, that was me on a seven. So wait til you see me on a nine or ten, innit!" he says and laughs childishly. So both of the people who hired you basically admitted they didn't like what they saw and you're smirking because you're so outside the box? He manages to sound like he knew they wouldn't like it, because he was going for the average Joe, not these professional consultants. So basically he's saying he knows better than Ray and Jude what appeals to the public, and he's going to act out of control again and they're just gonna have to suck it up cos he can't help himself. Stupid, stupid David. He could have done this well if he didn't have the constant need to impress and be a star. This task didn't require intellect or any real motivational abilities. All he needed to do was spew jargon in a suit and tie like everybody else. But, coming to think of it, that's not what he does in the office either. He wants to be the entertainer, the star.

"Here's your check," says Ray in a little voice that suggests he's holding back what he really thinks. "Thanking you," says David, still chuckling annoyingly. "More importantly though, what pub we going to?" he says with a stupid facial expression and head tilt. Then he chuckles some more. Jude gives Ray a look that says "Rescue me from this madman!" Ray looks just as uncomfortable as she does. "More important than this, 300 quid? I don't think so!" laughs David. Great example of bad jokes in the everyday life. People who don't get laughs always explain their own jokes and/or go too far, which makes it more awkward. "Where are we going?" he asks, apparently seriously. Why does he assume Ray and Jude are going to go out to eat and drink with him? It's not a date, it's just a business speech thing. They're not obligated to give him something to do for the evening. It's a good example of how David always confuses work with personal life and expects his coworkers or employees to be his friends.

Ray says carefully that they can't, they were just going to get something to eat. David, who's punching the air again with childish sound effects, only hears the last part. "Pizza?" he says. Somehow I don't see Ray and Jude as pizza eaters. It seems characteristic for David though. "Nevermind Pizza Express, what about Beer Express first? Next stop - drunkenness! Woo!" He chuckles with his teeth clenched, looking like a fool, and Ray and Jude must be wondering what this already hyper guy is like drunk. David says it can be anything they want - "Chinese, Indian..." Very varied there. "As long as it's... on me," he says and chuckles again, showing the check. He's crumpling it a bit in his hands. I'd take better care of a check than that. Jude laughs a bit forcedly. David puts the lame cap back on. It says "Go Guild!" That must be a reference to something, but I found such weird results on Google that I'm not really sure what to make of it in this context. I'm sure it's not an internet gamer society. Well, sometimes a lame cap is just a lame cap, I guess. "Here we go, the Three Musketeers!" David says and walks out the door without so much as glancing back at Dawn. "Bye," says Jude to Dawn kindly, but without worry what's going to happen to her. As they walk out, Dawn looks around. Does she have a ride back? Does she know what to do with David's stuff? Did she get any kind of thank you from him? I somehow suspect the answer to all these questions is no.

As Dawn starts putting David's things together, we hear Jude say, "I just remembered I can't..." David asks what she means, and she fumbles an obvious excuse: "There's something I have to do." Dawn looks at the camera knowingly. David, of course, doesn't catch the implication and says cheerfully, "Uh oh! Just us two then! What sort of clubs around here?" He's gonna spend the night with Ray too now? "I'm not going to a club," says Ray. "You bloody are! Wohohohohohoo!!" says David. Is he going to make Ray go? I wonder how the episode would have continued if they had showed Ray and David going to a pub together, Ray trying to get out of it all through the evening, and being forced to stay on as David drunkenly babbles and giggles his way through the night. I hope he likes Des'ree songs sung off key.

In the mini-segment after the credits, we see Dawn take her coat on her arm and leave the room, the boombox hanging on her shoulder. She hasn't tucked it into the bag this time, and the cord is hanging loose. It seems like a pretty difficult way of carrying that thing, and maybe it's just her resignation that this lame evening is going to end with calling Lee to pick her up from wherever she is, and carrying David's sweatty shirt with her to their apartment. Where else is she going to take it? The office would be closed by now. David really didn't think ahead. This was a great episode for both David and Dawn and made good use of both Ricky Gervais and Lucy Davis. One of the best episodes ever in my opinion. Bravo!

Season 2, Episode 4, Part 4: "The Gig"

An anonymous hallway somewhere. David walks through the door and along the hallway with Ray and Jude. Their pecking order is clear: Ray first, then David, then Jude - whatever happened to ladies first? Jude really comes off as the less dominating one of the Jude and Ray duo - and then Dawn, far behind them. None of them bother to look back and see if she's OK, and they don't hold the door open for her, either. Harsh. I wonder if Ray and Jude even realize she's with David? The bag seems to be quite heavy for Dawn. Ray says there will be two groups today, both from Reading.

Bored-looking employees are getting seated in the conference room. They're chatting with each other casually. I really wouldn't be too excited by 4 speakers in an hour, all of them veritable jargon-spewing machines. Well, at least David will bring the funny. The unintentional funny, but that's still funny. In a small back room, Ray tells David that the other speakers have given speeches before, so David's going on last. David acts like he isn't even listening. He's punching the air and making childish sound effects with his mouth. He punches really close to Ray's face in slow motion and obviously thinks this is very cool. Ray looks disturbed by it and tries to keep calm and professional. It isn't easy with David. "I love being backstage," David says. Backstage? Um, they're in the back room of some really boring workplace much like his own. At this point, if Ray were a bit more assertive and/or he had any idea what was coming, he could have given David a little speech about taking this seriously, because it's a professional motivational speech, not some standup comedy act.

Ray asks if it's OK to take a photo of David for their website. "You gonna take a light reading?" asks David and glances at the lamps above his head. Ray shows the yellow cheap-looking camera and says it should be OK. Hee! David is acting like, not only is he backstage, it's his backstage. Ray and Jude are journalists and photographers who want to take photos of David the rock star. That's very obvious from his poses, which are so hard to describe in writing, but I'll give it a shot. Ray turns to go to the other side of the room and David takes a pose. Ray turns back to him with his camera ready, but as the camera pans to David, we see he's taken a pose where one of his feet - with sneakers on - is on the table, he's resting his elbow on his knee, and he has his thumb and forefinger on his chin. He looks so dorky like that. And on a closer look, I realize his other hand has the fingers strecthed out on his side. That looks even more posey and fake. David, it's just a headshot for a website! But his poses get worse and worse as Ray suggests he be himself, "you know, a bit more relaxed." Again, the camera goes to Ray and then back to David, who's lying on the table on his stomach, with his hand in his elbows and one of his feet in the air! It's the least relaxed pose you could think of, and the position and his clothes - jeans, white casual shirt, sneakers - have the effect of making him look like an oversized child. Or not even oversized, really, as Gervais is so short. He just looks like a fat child, apart from the beard. "Not quite," says Ray, not sure what to say. Behind him there is a small note that reads, "Everyone's O.K. but me! Help." Is this a reference to David's desperately low self-esteem? David tries another pose, and this time we see him get into the position. He lies on his left side now, spreading his legs so his crotch can be seen quite disturbingly and his gut sacks to the side. He carefully lays his right hand on his knee, as if he's trying to add the cherry on top to make it just perfect. It's like some bizarre parody of an old-time painting. Ray looks at him and tries to find a polite way of saying "Stop acting like you're 20 and look like a Greek god." He settles for, "Maybe if you just sit down." "You're the boss," says David, even if he obviously thinks he's the star of this situation. He grabs a chair, but he turns it backwards so he's leaning his elbows on the back of the chair, and he frames his face with his hands. What does he think this is, a shoot for Vogue magazine? Ray seems to think, "Close enough," and he takes the picture. The camera zooms on Jude's confused and shocked face. Jude, you ain't seen nothing yet.

The audience has settled in and looking bored already. Oh, you guys are in for some fun, but first you need to listen to three normal speeches. Two of the other speakers, dressed professionally, are smoking a joint at a vending machine that seems to offer nothing but various kinds of chips. The Doritos look appealing. "I'm looking forward to this, actually," says Mark Frown from Sound Investments, who won't be introduced til a bit later. David walks in and you can't miss the contrast between him and the other guys. He is, of course, a head shorter, but more importantly, the white cheap-looking shirt really emphasizes how unprofessional he looks compared to the other guys. To make himself look more cool - I think; you never can tell with David though, as he never succeeds in looking cool - he leans on the vending machine and tries to appear self-confident. "Are you talking on this gig as well?" he asks. "Yeah. Just having a sneaky joint," says Mark. David, who wants to appear cool to the new guys, says, "Well, partially decriminalized now anyway. At LAST, so... Go for it." He looks like he doesn't mean it. He grimaces while saying it, looks away for a bit, and his face looks flushed. And why would he be saying this anyway if he didn't disapprove? It's not like the guys asked him for his approval. Every time someone tells you how much they approve of what you're doing, you just know they're doing it because they don't approve, at all. And he's wearing the earring! It still looks ridiculous. I thought he was going to take it off.

"What's it, skunk?" David says, trying to appear interested. "No, it's just weed. Do you want a little taste?" Mark asks and offers it. David quickly shakes his head like he finds the thing repulsive. Mark seems surprised, so David lies that he's on a diet - he taps his belly a bit, but you can only hear it - "and when I get wasted, I get the munchies." Yeah, cos he gets wasted all the time! He's so cool and rock'n'roll! Live fast, die old! That's how he got fat in the first place - always the munchies. Like Scooby-Doo. Dooby-Dooby-Doo. "I'm mad enough without the gear as well," he says. Mark chuckles a bit, though it seems more like he's doing it to be polite. He seems like a nice guy. "I'll take a raincheck though. Catch you later," says David, who can't wait to get away from the evil pot-smokers and their evil pot. You can't even talk about anything but pot with people like that! The guys look a bit confused at his behaviour as he walks away.

The gig begins. Ray introduces the first speaker, Mark Frown the pot-smoker. Mark puts on his jargon generator and starts: "Let me dispel a myth. Just because you're a success in your life, some people will tell you that you shouldn't be able to sleep at night. You should. Why? Because this is a business." Is that really a myth? Maybe I just don't get it because I'm not involved in a business. And may I say that some of the people at the seminar don't exactly look hugely successful. If anything, they look like low-ranking employees who earn five times less than Mark Frown does. I don't think they need his tips on sleeping techniques. We cut to later when another guy says enthusiastically: "Your future hasn't happened yet. You shape it. You're.. in the driving seat. OK? Thanks." Ray thanks him. His name is Richard Clark from Stockport Graphics. Actually, as he goes back to his seat and people applaud, two women in the audience whisper something and smile. So it's either "Ooo, he's so cute" or "That speech was actually good!" The former is more likely, but either way, well done, Richard. As Richard sits down, he seems kind of flustered and nervous. Mark gives him a supportive, friendly smile. I like Mark. I also like Ray, who seems very warm and professional. But then who could top our sad and pathetic anti-hero David? He's up next. Ray tells us he will talk about "motivational techniques". Let's see how many techniques I can count from that speech.

David walks to the top of the room - I can't say stage, because there isn't one; if anything, this looks like a pretty low-quality conference room. He's got his jeans, he's got his shirt, and he's got a backwards cap on that makes the boyish look even worse. He starts off by fingering his belt a bit, but then grabs his backwards cap and flings it to his right. It hits Dawn on the head. Aww, poor Dawn. Even for a hundred, that's some shitty treatment. Dawn rubs her forehead and gives David the stinkeye, but David isn't looking at her, of course. He starts his speech by staring at his audience disapprovingly. With his hands on his hips. What is he, a disappointed schoolmarm? The camera shows the audience who looks back at him, furrowing their brows. They obviously weren't expecting this. David walks up to the door and swings it open. "Get out!" he says. "Go on. I've opened the door for you." I would love it if some of them actually got up and walked out. "Yeah? If you don't wanna make it, go now! Yeah? Save us all a bit of time. If you don't even cut it!" He doesn't look as impressive as he thinks; I wouldn't take this kind of talk from a guy with such a ludicrous earring. After a brief yet oppressive silence, he goes back to the door: "No? Good." Just as he's about to close it, a cleaning lady comes and asks if they're done. David seems offended by this interruption. I loved the cleaning lady part. It just seems kinda realistic if you hold a door open long enough. People will get the wrong idea. And I'm not even sure what the right idea was. So I guess David's motivational technique number one is: don't walk away if... or when... Actually, this cannot be compared to any larger context. How is this supposed to motivate them? Should they feel validated because they stayed?

David, who's lost his train of thought a bit, looks at the door one more time and then gets going. He talks quite fast and seems flustered, so maybe he's nervous. Not that he should be. It's going really well so far, isn't it? He starts with his favorite topic: the good things people think about him. "You're all looking at me and you're thinking, Oh yeah, you're a success. You've achieved your goals, you're reaping the rewards, sure, but oy, Brent! Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollah?" He actually puts one of his hands next to his mouth when he says, "Oy, Brent!" So it's like he's holding a megaphone saying that. Awesome. Also, being successful is not really the message his outfit - and earring - is sending. Plus I bet they've never seen David before and don't know who he is. But still, yeah, anyone who sees him will automatically know him to be a success.

"Let me show you something I always keep with me," he says and picks a tiny book from the backpocket of his jeans. He shows it around, although the book is so small that it's probably invisible to even the people in the front row what the title is. "Just a little book, Collected Meditations. It's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, Native American wisdom..." He says that last part louder, as if it's more meaningful because it's Native American. He even takes a little pause for effect! And looks at the audience like this really proves what a great guy he is. You can tell a faux-deep person by his great enthusiasm in all things Native American. "Which I..." he starts feebly after his pause, but he's looking down and obviously doesn't know what to say about that. Maybe it would have helped to have some sheet notes, David? "And it's.. it's really.. showing you that... err.. that, that... the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. Yeah? It's about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality." David is just so spiritual, an inspiration to us all. If it weren't for him, I would have forgotten to take care of my spiritual side. This is, of course, faux-spirituality - spirituality is something you personally experience and think about, not something you read directly out of the book and memorize. David is showing himself to be a Pithy Phrase.

I notice that he keeps looking at the supersized man sitting in the front row, and I'm not sure if they intended it like that, but to me it seems like the kind of thing you do if you're disturbed by his size, but try to show him that you treat him just the same as everyone else, so you look at him more. I'm not sure though, maybe I'm just reading into this. He is right in front of David, and even if David is a poorly prepared and lame speaker, he does know to make eye contact with his audience, so I'll give him credit for that. "And a... Foreword by Duncan Goodhew." He shows the book again. They can't actually read the foreword, David. Interestingly, Wikipedia mentions that he is a swimmer, an author and a motivational speaker. No wonder they want to mention him during the motivational speech. He also has a total lack of body hair, which has nothing to do with this but is somehow interesting. David puts so much stock into this name that he obviously thinks all motivational speech audiences know Duncan Goodhew personally. "So..." he says. The camera shows the audience, and they look very confused.

"Can I read... one... which I think..." Aww, David, you can do anything you want. You're the speaker! Don't ask for permission! He opens the book on what I'm sure is a randomly selected page, just to appear he knows the book inside out. While he's reading, we see Dawn resting her head on her elbow, looking very bored. Luckily David couldn't care less what she thinks, as long as she's there to carry his enormous boombox. That sounded a bit dirty. "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each his own home again rather than take a portion out of the common stock." I've heard that one before. I'm not sure how motivating it is, really. I mean, yes, even your own miseries are more dear to you than other people's. But does it make the misery any easier to take? Just because others may have it even worse, isn't that a depressing idea? It's a pretty thin consolation. David, of course, has his own reading of it: "It's saying, for the first time, that grass isn't always greener on the other side." That's right, except when you really think about it, both phrases mean the same thing: you might think other people have it better than you, but in most cases, you'd be wrong. David hasn't thought of this angle, or perhaps he's not thinking at all, just saying the first wise-sounding thing that comes to mind.

The speech has derailed quite a bit, but he's trying to save it by making this motivating. "Don't look over your neighbor's fence and go, 'Oo, he's got a better car than me! Oo, he's got a more attractive WIFE.'" He takes a pause for effect. I'm glad the attractive wife ranks right up there after the car in the fictional man's list of possessions. And there are quite a few women - not too attractive ones either - in the audience, which David of course hasn't taken into account. "We all wake up and we go, 'Ahh! I ache! I'm not 18 anymore! I'm thirty-ni... you know, I'm in my thirties...I'm not...'" Would it be so awful to admit to a small group of people you will never meet again that you're 39? Wait, of course it would. This matters. This is his road to the top, the whole world will see him soon. Just like winning the office quiz matters, this is an important event. "But... so what, at least I've got my health! And if you haven't got your health, if you've got one leg... At least I haven't got two legs missing! And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go: At least I'm not dead!" This is so motivating! And here we've actually got a "motivational technique", so let's see. David's tips for motivation:
1. Think you've at least got your health.
2. Think that at least you have all your limbs.
3. Think that at least you're not dead.
I'm more motivated already! They should make a poster out of this. With, like, the picture of a kitten without limbs that is just happy to be alive!

This is a good example of David ruining his own idea by taking it a bit too far. But wait, he's not finished: "I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be.. you know.. put down.. I'm just saying that in my life I'd rather not live without arms and legs. I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing, so in my opinion it's, um..." Obviously he doesn't know what he's saying anymore. No one's asking him to live without arms and legs and it has nothing to do with anything. The best part is that the scene cuts off while he's still mumbling something, so maybe there were even more inappropriate parts. The last thing we see in this chapter is Ray and Jude frowning and looking very confused. Jude looks around to see the reactions of the audiences. She looks quite shocked. Oh, David. This wasn't even such a tough thing to do. Just spew your usual jargon for fifteen minutes. But you had to improvise and bring in collected meditations. I feel sorry for him, but that doesn't mean I don't laugh. A lot.