In the conference room, Rowan has finished his lunch and looks like he's deep in his thoughts. He's probably wondering how he can get through the afternoon without killing David.
In the office, Donna still won't shut up: "Being dumped is the perfect excuse to do all the things you ever wanted to do." Dawn says again that she wasn't dumped, and mentions that she's thought of leaving. Tim, who's reading a paper - with the headline "I'll Stand by Becks" and a picture of David Beckham on it, which somehow amuses me - jumps in asks Dawn how long she's been considering this. At this point, Gareth walks in and has to know who's leaving. In his polite way, he tells Dawn: "That's just stupid. You've got a job here for life." Dawn says that's the problem: she wants to do more in life than "answering phones at some crappy sub-branch paper merchants'." I can imagine. Her job seems really boring, and no one in the office, including David, seems to have any fun doing their job. Gareth, of course, has no ambitions and doesn't understand anyone who does: "Work hard and you could be answering phones at the head office. Or a better paper merchants'." I love how he talks like there are no jobs available in any non-paper-related industries. "Gareth, she don't wanna waste her life in paper," says Tim. Gareth gets defensive and says Jeff Lamp, apparently a paper sales rep, is 42 and has his own Porsche. I think it's telling that Gareth thinks a fancy car means someone has gotten ahead in life. Tim asks Dawn again how long she's been thinking about leaving, and the scene cuts off. Both Tim and Dawn are looking kind of tired in this episode, which is understandable since Tim IS tired and Dawn has been crying through most of it. Tim has a little five o'clock shadow, and it seems like he's decided he won't groom himself for a job he hates. I love how British shows dare to show things like this instead of having them all in flawless make up like American shows would.
In the conference room, Rowan leans on the projector, looking really tired and bored with his life. I never realized before how much thought they put into the character of Rowan. He's in the conference room all alone, whereas the people having lunch in the office have each other to talk to. He's stuck spending the day with David Brent who won't let him do his job. He has to repeat the same redundant stuff to employees in different firms even if they're not listening. His life sucks, just like everyone else's on this show. Nice touch.
David and Gareth walk in, as the camera is zooming on Rowan's face. The moment David walks in, he closes his eyes as if to spend one more moment without talking to David. Gareth asks David if he's going to send his music somewhere. David says he has a 10-year-old demo that needs to be enhanced to send out, "add some drum and bass shit, some sampling..." Yeah. He has to make the same stuff everyone else is making, so he'd have to "modernize" his music, even if it seems to be really generic rock already. Gareth asks him if he needs a manager if he's going on tour. Rowan walks in and apologizes for the interruption, but David tells him to wait and listens to Gareth instead. Way to be professional there, David. Once again. Gareth wants to be David's manager, but David wants to manage himself. "I could be your assistant manager," suggests Gareth. "You could be assistant TO the manager," says David. Nice. Best to decide the manager issue right away, before he even has a record deal. Or a proper demo to send out. To show his power, David now tells Gareth to wait and points at Rowan, "Shoot." Rowan says the people aren't back yet and they've got "a lot to get thru". David tells Gareth to ask the others back in. Gareth asks, "Do you want me to discipline them?" Hee! How is he gonna discipline them? I bet he carries some kind of army weapon with him that he could use for that, actually. Maybe his pencil has a knife inside it. As Gareth leaves, David points at him and laughs a bit as if to say "he's a piece of work, but what can you do?" It's a sad little gesture, because it seems to be meant to emphasize his power over Gareth. Both David and Gareth are sad, hanging on to any little power they can get. David tries to bond with Rowan by making fun of a portrait hanging on a wall, but it backfires: "Imagine him in a band. Bald old git." Then he glances at Rowan, who is balder than the man in the picture. "The glasses," he quickly adds. I love how David is so lookist, even if he's not the most attractive man himself. He tries to get away from the embarrassing moment by changing the subject: "What's the vibe in the second half, cos..." He makes obscure hand gestures, snaps his fingers, and seems to start walking around aimlessly. If you want to make people forget your latest screw-up, try body language that is even more embarrassing. Works every time.
As the employees file back into the conference room, an anonymous man is asking Rowan how he got into the job. Rowan still has his arms crossed, which makes him seem nervous or rejecting. The guy says his job seems interesting, and Rowan says, "Is it?" like he's not convinced about that. In the corridor outside the room, Tim stares out the window as if he's had enough of this job. Which he has.
"TEAM BUILDING", says another lame pictureless slide. Rowan tells the group that the next exercise has to do with "forward planning and team work". He needs to devide the employees in pairs - never a good sign if you ask me - and he decides to have Tim and Gareth as one pair, which makes Tim groan, "Oh god." Gareth angrily mutters that he wouldn't want to be "in a situation" with Tim either. Tim asks him sarcastically who he would like to be on a desert island with, and Gareth of course thinks he's serious. His reply is Daley Thompson. Tim just stares ahead with a "I give up" look on his face. I really feel for him in this episode. Well, all episodes.
The dumb exercise has to do with a farmer, a chicken, a fox, and a bag of grain. I believe that everyone who's been through the school system has had to do this exercise. This time Rowan has a visual slide for us, but it's only a crude drawing of a body of water, a boat sailing on it, and the aforementioned three things that need to be transported over the river by the farmer, "not pictured," as Rowan says and chuckles a bit. There is a big question mark next to the boat. As Rowan says the boat is only big enough to take one thing with him at once, David lifts one finger and says "one.. at a time.." When Rowan is done, he starts to say: "Remember.. you ca.." but Rowan cuts him off, knowing at this point that David can't have anything worthwhile to add. "Five minutes," Rowan says and David just grins and says, "OK?" David, go back to your seat and let Rowan do his job. Also - how is this a team building exercise? What is "team building", anyway? It sounds like management jargon to me.
Jamie says, "You can't take the fox first, because the chicken will eat the grain." His pair is nodding. David walks in, looks at them grinning and says, "Hi." Jamie just looks up at him. David pats both guys on the shoulders and walks past them, so that they have to give him some room. Is he pretending to be the teacher? Note that Rowan isn't going around listening to the pairs, even if he assigned the task. It's a tiny scene, but it still shows how childish David is.
Tim and Gareth are working on the task. Tim explains matter-of-factly how you can't take the grain because the fox would eat the chicken. "The fox and the chicken together? Blood bath!" says Gareth as if Tim is proposing that. "I know. And you can't leave the chicken with the grain," says Tim. "Ah, hello, I'm the chicken! Thank you Tim for giving me with my favorite food!" says Gareth. He does this amazing facial expression, like he's mocking Tim, which I guess he is. How clueless can a guy get? Of course, he proves to me instantly that he can act even more clueless, as he starts to ask questions that are completely irrelevant in solving the task. They include:
-Is the chicken as big as the bag of grain? (Tim's response: "It's a super chicken." Someone put this clip up at YouTube with the title "Super Chicken", which cracked me up.)
-"What's the farmer doing with a fox? Fox is a farmer's worst enemy. He should just drown the fox in the river." That's actually a good point, even if he's taking the task way too seriously. The fox is weird. A dog might work better, if we can assume it's a dog who's not reliable at all and might eat his chicken while he's away. Wouldn't the fox attack the farmer.. Oh god, I'm thinking like Gareth. Shoot me now.
-"What are we learning from this?" I bet Gareth is the kind of person who always wants to know if this will be on the exam. It's that kind of question. Tim explains tiredly that it's just a puzzle to be solved and they will learn nothing.
-He says the grain could be left leaning against a wall. How would that stop the chicken from eating it? Tim says there is no wall. "What, there's no wall? There's nothing, just a farm and a river? Get his wife to help." Tim says he hasn't got a wife. "All farmers have wives," says Gareth. Umm... "Except this one, he's gay," says Tim. Hee! "Well, then he shouldn't be allowed near animals," says Gareth. Just when I thought he couldn't get more ignorant.
A few more establishing shots that show that the other teams are actually trying to solve the puzzle. In the corridor, Dawn and Lee make up. The camera zooms on them through the window on a door as they hug. Aww. Even if I hate Lee and their relationship, that still seemed kind of cute. And also exactly the type of thing a documentary group would be shooting.
David asks Rowan if he wants him to tell the answer. Rowan says he can do it. David claims they're more "receptive" to him. What? Why does he even hire outside help if he's so sure that the employees only want him to talk to them all the time? Rowan tells them the answer: Chicken across first, then the fox, but on his way back he takes the chicken back with him, then takes the grain across and then comes back with the chicken. The whole task is so artificial. David keeps motioning to the projected slide and mouthing words as Rowan talks. As Rowan says, "I'm sure you all got the answer," David adds, "Easy", grins and nods his head stupidly. Rowan says the point is they "all worked as a team." Riight. Gareth raises his hand: "Some questionss." He says it so slowly and emphatically, it sounds ridiculous. It sounds like he thinks he's smarter than Rowan, which he probably does, and like this task is somehow so important to him. He apparently made two pages of notes and needs to go through them to ask his questions, as he flips through his notebook. Priceless.
The window is shown again, as a plane with happy passengers going far away from the dreary life in Slough is reflected onto it. Inside, Rowan and David are standing up in front of a circle of bored employees. David is still trying to beat Rowan at his own job. Rowan starts with how he hopes this task showed them that "in a team, every member must.." "follow the leader," adds David, which is extra silly, because there were no leaders in that task. "..well, yeah, but know their place within the structure.," corrects Rowan. He even tries to make David's babble make sense: "Some may be leaders, but..." David stupidly interjects again: "He knows best.. or SHE." Rowan, again, tries to make it work: "Whoever is in charge..." "May be a woman," adds David redundantly, always eager to show non-sexist he is. "Obviously may be men or women, but ultimately..." "Can't stress that enough," David continues. "No, absolutely," says Rowan way too politely. He continues to say something that makes sense, but David interjects again: "Unconditional trust is returned in the leadership." What does that have to do with anything? Rowan tries to ignore him and continue: "It's important that you know your place..." "As a little cart in a big wheel," interjects David. Rowan rubs his face and says they'll move on now, and David interjects, "Move on, OK?" Might this scene be implying that David does NOT know his place and is always trying to show his power in the wrong place, thus making people respect him less? I think it might.
The next redundant slide shows us a drawing of two dogs that are tied into the same leash that leads nowhere. The dogs are going after bones that are in opposite directions. Rowan asks the employees what the lesson is. "Dogs?" suggets Gareth. "Say what you see, Gareth," says Tim and we hear someone laugh off-screen. "Give the dog a bone?" Gareth guesses, as if they're playing charades. "I don't believe it," says Tim. He says it's not Roy Walker, a reference I had to check on Wikipedia, but apparently "Just say what you see" is one of his catchphrases. I've learned a lot of new things about British entertainment through The Office. And Gareth does sometimes act like someone put stupid in the tap water. He asks Tim what it is then, and Tim, by now slouching in his chair and looking like he's about to fall asleep, sarcastically says, "If we pull together in the same direction - it's better for all of us!" His voice rises as if he's delivering the lesson in a kids' show. Gareth says they might be fighting over the bones, but Tim points out they're smiling. "Maybe in the picture, but in reality..." says Gareth, making it obvious that he doesn't get metaphors. How did he even manage to graduate?
Rowan looks at them incredulously and then tells them the idea: "If the team is focused on its objectives and those of its individual members, then it's easier for everyone to achieve their goals." Wow. And what better way to teach that than through a boring projector slide? David, of course, can't shut up, and has to offer us a pearl of wisdom that he's stored under "dogs and bones" in his brain: The fable of a dog that has a bone, sees his own reflection in a lake, thinks the "other dog" has a better bone and tries to reach for it, but ends up losing his own bone. Rowan tiredly asks what it has to do with this. David tries to think of a forced connection: "It's what Gareth was saying about.. if we've got our.. bones.. don't go for other people's bones.. fighting cos you'll lose your own." His voice falters and it's really obvious he doesn't know himself what he's saying. Rowan asks what it means. David just stares at him awkwardly for a moment. He then tries the most childish tactics possible: "Oo..don't you know? Thought it was..." He plays with his tie, but more slowly than usual, so you can tell he's embarrassed. "Bones," says Gareth and points at the projector slide. Wow. I think Gareth's mind might actually be more vacant than Keith's when it comes to puzzles.
Tim has had enough. He suddenly speaks out that he's so bored and rubs his face. "So am I," says Rowan suddenly. Tim says he meant the job. He apologizes to David: "No disrespect. This is a waste of time." David says they should go on with the training, "We're nearly finished now." Tim says he can't take "any more of this nonsense" - and he points at Gareth - or boring phone conversations about paper. He says the name of some paper, and Gareth corrects him. "You're a twat, OK? Shut up! Shut up!" says Tim. David tries to calm Tim down and offers to have a drink with him and talk further, but Tim has made up his mind. "We'll work out my notice later, right now I'm going. Goodbye." He just leaves. At least he mentions the notice and is still at work in the next episode. In many American shows, all you do is say "I quit" and just walk out. Just like you can just tell someoen to "cover for me" and run out to meet your lover or whatever. I liked how they were more realistic here. Tim has obviously been thinking of doing this for a long time, but it still comes as a surprise to everyone, and perhaps to himself. David grins at the camera and says, "He'll be fine", as if he's on top of the situation. Rowan walks out too, saying, "A waste of time - always a waste of time." I feel for him. But he only had to work with David for one day, while Tim has had to work there for a while, so he can't be quite as fed up with it.
The employees just stare at David as he says, "Ooh, you see, pressure. Not as easy as it looks. Sometimes experience" - and he points at himself - "outweighs the" - and he makes gestures like he's flipping through a book. Right. Experience is more important than education, just like we learned earlier in the quiz episode. David is either completely oblivious to the fact that Rowan got tired of him or tries to hide it from his employees. Tim walks back in, interrupting David, and tells Dawn, "Now you've split up with Lee, would you come out for a drink with me?" Dawn looks shocked as she says with some difficulty that they didn't split up. Tim backpedals awkwardly, "No no, I meant as a friend.. I .. I did mean as a friend..." As he walks away, David grins at the camera some more. Dawn lifts her hand to her face, obviously feeling overcome by emotion. David says to Gareth, "Go and get the guitar." He points at Dawn smugly. Yes, he will save the day. And it's really only for Dawn. As Gareth goes to get the guitar, the camera pans behind David. "I'll probably write a song about this one day," he says. I'd like to hear that song. It would probably hail him as the hero who got Tim to continue working there and cured Rowan of his stress problem.
As credits roll, we hear David sing the theme song with the help of his trusty guitar. He's trying to sound really cool again. It's a nice touch.
In the after-credits joke, we see David with his guitar telling the others: "We used to have a political reggae one, called Equality Street." Did he name it after Quality Street candy? Somehow the idea of David singing reggae seems even more ridiculous than the rest of his "rock star" stuff. Great episode.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Season 1, Episode 4, Part 4: "Song Time"
We hear guitar riffs as the camera shows Rowan's face. He's slouching in his chair with his arms crossed, looking like he's full of barely sustained rage. David is playing chords on his guitar. The camera pans on Tim, who is at the coffee table. He tells the camera David went home to get the guitar. That's so David. The company has hired a consultant to give them training, and he would rather show off his nonexistant rock star image than let the guy do his job. David, of course, has to narrate: "I wrote this... I only play songs I've written myself, so..."
I have to write down all the song lyrics. I don't even know how to recap this, because it just makes me laugh so much. For one thing, the lyrics are ridiculous. Just like the David interviews, they vary from generic "wisdom" to nonsensical stuff that probably sounded much better in his head. Secondly, David is SO serious about this. He bobs his head and sometimes has his eyes closed while singing, as if it's the most touching thing he's ever heard. While he's singing, the camera shows some of the other characters: two guys furrowing their brows like they don't know how to react to it; Tim and Dawn chuckling and glancing at each other; loyal old Sheila bobbing her head and with this permanent smile and an expectant look in her eyes, trying to be really polite about his music and not burst into laughter. I do wonder about Sheila. Is she just really nice or does she have a mind as empty as Keith's?
The first song David sings is predictably about what a tolerant person he really is:
"Spaceman came down to answer some things
The world gathered round from paupers to kings
I'll answer your questions, I'll answer them true
I'll show you the way, you'll know what to do
Who is wroong and who is right!
Yellow, brown, black or white?
The spaceman he answered: You no longer mind
I've opened your eyes, you're now colorblind."
"Racial. So..." David says in his trademark way. I love how he always has to add the adjective, as if to explain what it was about. I don't know what comes after "so..." but probably something along the lines of "I'm not bigoted, and therefore, I rock." As for the lyrics - "spaceman"? I guess he means an alien, and as we all know, aliens are omnipotent and can come down to answer our questions. And control our minds, so that we become colorblind. Wow. This really speaks to me. Also - what's the difference between brown and black, and who is yellow? This song strangely reminds me of Crash Test Dummies' "God Shuffled His Feet" with one exception, namely that "God Shuffled His Feet" was good.
We only get one line from the next song:
"She's the serpent who guards the gates of hell!!!" David tries to play some more "dangerous" riffs on the guitar, but it just ends up sounding lame. He doesn't add "Sexist", but he could. I love how that one line tells us how misogynist and generic that song was. Tim and Dawn applaud, but I think they're just happy to get out of the boring training.
And now for our main course, "Free Love", which I love. It's a fleshed-out generic rock song made just for the show. And, like everything made by David, it sucks but is also hilarious. The melody is actually pretty nice, but the lyrics.. I have watched this many times and I still laugh. David's trying to be cool while he sings it, so that doesn't help. He looks at the employees at "get her engine started", winks and sounds a bit amused at his own "witty" euphemisms. Yeah, we got it, David. You had sex with her. Malcolm looks at him during the chorus like he's shocked. Another male employee sits very straight-backed on his chair and furrows his brows. I love how they all look like "WTF is this and how am I supposed to respect that guy as my boss again?"
Pretty girl on the hood of a Cadillac, yeah
She's broken down on Freeway 9
I take a look, get her engine started
Leave her purring and I roll on by, bye bye
Free love on the free love freeway
Love is free and the freeway's long
I've got hot love on the hot love highway
Ain't going home cos my baby's gone
Gareth, who's been bobbing his head excitedly, decides to join in. He says, "Everybody!" And when David sings "my baby's gone", he interjects, "She's de-ead!" "She's not dead!" says David, looking annoyed. He rolls his eyes at the camera. Gareth looks stricken and hangs his head in shame. Aww, poor Gareth. But hee at "She's dead". What kind of a backup choir would sing that? Dawn is clapping her hands, still looking sad. Tim looks at her a bit concerned and she smiles at him as if to say "I'm alright." The song continues a bit more slowly:
Long time later see a cowboy crying
I say: Hey buddy, what can I do
He says: I've lived a good life, I had a thousand women
I say: Well, why the tears?
He says: Cos none of them was you...
He does an American accent when he does the cowboy's voice. It sounds silly, because he's trying to sound American and cool at the same time, and he's so far from both. Tim points out the obvious problem with these lines: "What, you?" David says he's looking at a picture. "Of you?" offers Tim, so we know he's just teasing David now, but really he's right. "Of his girlfriend. The video would have showed it," says David. He uses a "duh" kind of tone. Problem number one: If you have to have the video show what you're saying, there's something wrong with your lyrics. Problem number two: You think they're gonna make a VIDEO out of this? Problem number three: If "none of them was you", how is "you" his girlfriend? Tim decides to stop arguing and says it just sounded gay. "It's not gay," says David, obviously offended, and continues singing immediately to kill any further discussion on the topic. It didn't sound gay to me, it just sounded like he thought of a contrived way to rhyme with "do", and it's extra silly because the other lines don't even rhyme.
David launches into the chorus again, and this time both Tim and Gareth join in, singing harmonies. Gareth knows to sing "she's go-one" this time instead of "she's dead". He's not a bad singer, but it looks funny, because he's bobbing his head with his eyes closed so tight as if he's having this great musical experience. Tim sings the soprano, which sounds kind of girly. We see Keith clapping to the song in slow, steady claps. Rock'n'roll! A female employee is swaying to the song and seems to enjoy it. As the song draws to a close, it actually starts to sound pretty chaotic with three guys singing and the same guitar chords playing over and over. David tries to add some lines, like "She's just gone yeah", but it doesn't sound any more creative than the rest of the song. Tim closes with "She's gooone, yeah". The guys clap - at themselves, I guess - in the end, and the camera shows Rowan. He's been looking angry yet firm throughout the song, now he looks like he's about to burst into tears. He gets up and declares, "That's lunch" and walks out. Aww, poor Rowan. I wonder if he's going to the bathroom to cry a little and regain his composure before the afternoon. David says, "Okayy" and plays one more riff on his guitar. He looks at Rowan as he leaves, playing with his tie. He's probably thinking: "Damn, we were only halfway through my concert."
Tim and Dawn walk in the corridor. Tim asks "what in the name of jumping Joseph" - hee - "was that song about?" He wonders what David is doing and what Rowan is doing - I don't catch every word, but basically he seems to be saying that if you don't know the stuff Rowan is teaching, you don't deserve to have a job. Dawn is laughing and rubbing her face a bit, recovering from her crying earlier. Tim asks her if she's feeling better and she says she is. Tim is so sweet.
The employees are using part of their lunch breaks for checking mails and making calls. I don't think I would. If you're gonna be in training all day, just relax while you're not in training. Keith sits down with a loud "Ahh" and rubs his ear. That somehow reminds me of a St Bernard. He's not rubbing his ear with his foot, though.
Dawn sits on the sofa, as Donna comes in. I somehow don't like Donna. She stands up to David and Gareth and mostly reacts as any other sane person would, but I somehow find her unlikeable. In this scene especially, because does she really even know Dawn? We've never seen them talk, yet she's talking like she's her best friend: "Forget all about it, he's not worth it." How should she know? Has she met Lee at all? "I go through this sort of thing all the time - though it's usually me who dumps them." Yes, that oughta make her feel better. Dawn says it was just an argument, but Donna continues: "You should come out with me, I'll find you a new bloke." Ugh. I hate when friends try to find someone for you. Just let people figure their love lives out for themselves. Especially if you don't even know them. Dawn politely declines, as it was just an argument. "Well, I'm just saying," Donna says. "Thanks, that was nice," says Dawn. She's not facing Donna, who's leaning over the back of the sofa, so she's free to roll her eyes a bit. Yeah, that would be my reaction too. But I must admit that I don't sympathize with Dawn here all that much, because if you bring your dirty laundry to work, others are going to try and wash it for you.
In the conference room, Rowan is eating a sandwich and reading the paper. He looks much happier than in the previous scenes, and I'm sure he's enjoying a moment away from David and the silence of a guitar-free conference room.
In David's room, Dawn gets some more unwanted attention for her problems. David's sitting on a chair facing her, while Gareth is sitting on his desk. Why is Gareth even there? David tells Dawn he's aware of her problem, and "I wouldn't be the boss or the man that I am if I didn't try to offer some encouragement. So..." As the camera shows Dawn's shocked face, we hear more guitar riffs. Well, David wouldn't be the boss or the man he is if he didn't try to play The Boss, Slough Version, in every possible situation. Next to Dawn on a table is a sad little potted plant, too small to really bring any coziness into the room, and I know they had a real office as a set, but I can't help but wonder if they put that puny plant there on purpose just to emphasize the dullness of David's office. "It's something I wrote, I hope it helps," says David. I just have to transcribe the lyrics again:
"Rose, you never used your thorns
The ones you loved abandoned you
Your angel face made hearts so warm
You helped the sick,
But who helped you?"
As David sings, Gareth bobs his head with his eyes closed, looking like he enjoys this immensely. He's so sad. And Mackenzie Crook is an awesome actor. His body language is just perfect, the way he embodies the ass-kissing lameness of Gareth Keenan. As David gets into the bridge part, the song suddenly gets a lot faster and darker, and he tries to sing it cooler:
"Rushing through the Paris night
They hounded you, you lost control
We prayed that you would be alright
The news came through: Your body co-o-old..."
Suddenly the song gets slow and calm again:
"Good night, my sweet princess... "
Dawn interrupts him to ask if it was originally about Princess Diana. Yeah, I wonder. Like most untalented writers, David lacks the ability to make the song symbolic, and the only symbol he uses is from another song. David admits he wrote it about Princess Di, "but it fits perfectly, doesn't it?" Yeah, sure. Those lyrics could be applied to anything in life! "Not the car crash bit," says Dawn and laughs nervously. Gareth Keenan to the rescue, as David can't think of what to say: "Your relationship with Lee is a bit like a car crash." Hee, that's so rude. David points at Gareth and nods whilst smiling smugly and closing his eyes. Great body language from Gervais there. He acts like that was what he was thinking, but couldn't put it into words. "In Paris?" says Dawn. David waits for a response from Gareth. "City of love," Gareth says like Dawn should have thought of that herself. Yeah, it's obvious really. David nods deeply, looking smug about the brilliance of a thought that was neither brilliant nor his. Dawn, like Tim earlier, realizes that there's no point in questioning the lyrics. "You're right, it fits perfectly, thank you," she says and laughs nervously again. David suddenly launches into "Every breath you take..." and Gareth starts bobbing his head to the rhythm with his eyes closed again. If the Princess Di song didn't fit, how about this then? You'll be watching Dawn? I wonder if the writers were nodding to the version dedicated to Notorious BIG and sung by Puff Daddy. That, like David's Princess Di song, was rather unoriginal. David still manages to look smug, even if the lyrics of two of his songs have been questioned now. You can just tell that he's thinking, "The night this airs I will get a call from at least one record company."
I have to write down all the song lyrics. I don't even know how to recap this, because it just makes me laugh so much. For one thing, the lyrics are ridiculous. Just like the David interviews, they vary from generic "wisdom" to nonsensical stuff that probably sounded much better in his head. Secondly, David is SO serious about this. He bobs his head and sometimes has his eyes closed while singing, as if it's the most touching thing he's ever heard. While he's singing, the camera shows some of the other characters: two guys furrowing their brows like they don't know how to react to it; Tim and Dawn chuckling and glancing at each other; loyal old Sheila bobbing her head and with this permanent smile and an expectant look in her eyes, trying to be really polite about his music and not burst into laughter. I do wonder about Sheila. Is she just really nice or does she have a mind as empty as Keith's?
The first song David sings is predictably about what a tolerant person he really is:
"Spaceman came down to answer some things
The world gathered round from paupers to kings
I'll answer your questions, I'll answer them true
I'll show you the way, you'll know what to do
Who is wroong and who is right!
Yellow, brown, black or white?
The spaceman he answered: You no longer mind
I've opened your eyes, you're now colorblind."
"Racial. So..." David says in his trademark way. I love how he always has to add the adjective, as if to explain what it was about. I don't know what comes after "so..." but probably something along the lines of "I'm not bigoted, and therefore, I rock." As for the lyrics - "spaceman"? I guess he means an alien, and as we all know, aliens are omnipotent and can come down to answer our questions. And control our minds, so that we become colorblind. Wow. This really speaks to me. Also - what's the difference between brown and black, and who is yellow? This song strangely reminds me of Crash Test Dummies' "God Shuffled His Feet" with one exception, namely that "God Shuffled His Feet" was good.
We only get one line from the next song:
"She's the serpent who guards the gates of hell!!!" David tries to play some more "dangerous" riffs on the guitar, but it just ends up sounding lame. He doesn't add "Sexist", but he could. I love how that one line tells us how misogynist and generic that song was. Tim and Dawn applaud, but I think they're just happy to get out of the boring training.
And now for our main course, "Free Love", which I love. It's a fleshed-out generic rock song made just for the show. And, like everything made by David, it sucks but is also hilarious. The melody is actually pretty nice, but the lyrics.. I have watched this many times and I still laugh. David's trying to be cool while he sings it, so that doesn't help. He looks at the employees at "get her engine started", winks and sounds a bit amused at his own "witty" euphemisms. Yeah, we got it, David. You had sex with her. Malcolm looks at him during the chorus like he's shocked. Another male employee sits very straight-backed on his chair and furrows his brows. I love how they all look like "WTF is this and how am I supposed to respect that guy as my boss again?"
Pretty girl on the hood of a Cadillac, yeah
She's broken down on Freeway 9
I take a look, get her engine started
Leave her purring and I roll on by, bye bye
Free love on the free love freeway
Love is free and the freeway's long
I've got hot love on the hot love highway
Ain't going home cos my baby's gone
Gareth, who's been bobbing his head excitedly, decides to join in. He says, "Everybody!" And when David sings "my baby's gone", he interjects, "She's de-ead!" "She's not dead!" says David, looking annoyed. He rolls his eyes at the camera. Gareth looks stricken and hangs his head in shame. Aww, poor Gareth. But hee at "She's dead". What kind of a backup choir would sing that? Dawn is clapping her hands, still looking sad. Tim looks at her a bit concerned and she smiles at him as if to say "I'm alright." The song continues a bit more slowly:
Long time later see a cowboy crying
I say: Hey buddy, what can I do
He says: I've lived a good life, I had a thousand women
I say: Well, why the tears?
He says: Cos none of them was you...
He does an American accent when he does the cowboy's voice. It sounds silly, because he's trying to sound American and cool at the same time, and he's so far from both. Tim points out the obvious problem with these lines: "What, you?" David says he's looking at a picture. "Of you?" offers Tim, so we know he's just teasing David now, but really he's right. "Of his girlfriend. The video would have showed it," says David. He uses a "duh" kind of tone. Problem number one: If you have to have the video show what you're saying, there's something wrong with your lyrics. Problem number two: You think they're gonna make a VIDEO out of this? Problem number three: If "none of them was you", how is "you" his girlfriend? Tim decides to stop arguing and says it just sounded gay. "It's not gay," says David, obviously offended, and continues singing immediately to kill any further discussion on the topic. It didn't sound gay to me, it just sounded like he thought of a contrived way to rhyme with "do", and it's extra silly because the other lines don't even rhyme.
David launches into the chorus again, and this time both Tim and Gareth join in, singing harmonies. Gareth knows to sing "she's go-one" this time instead of "she's dead". He's not a bad singer, but it looks funny, because he's bobbing his head with his eyes closed so tight as if he's having this great musical experience. Tim sings the soprano, which sounds kind of girly. We see Keith clapping to the song in slow, steady claps. Rock'n'roll! A female employee is swaying to the song and seems to enjoy it. As the song draws to a close, it actually starts to sound pretty chaotic with three guys singing and the same guitar chords playing over and over. David tries to add some lines, like "She's just gone yeah", but it doesn't sound any more creative than the rest of the song. Tim closes with "She's gooone, yeah". The guys clap - at themselves, I guess - in the end, and the camera shows Rowan. He's been looking angry yet firm throughout the song, now he looks like he's about to burst into tears. He gets up and declares, "That's lunch" and walks out. Aww, poor Rowan. I wonder if he's going to the bathroom to cry a little and regain his composure before the afternoon. David says, "Okayy" and plays one more riff on his guitar. He looks at Rowan as he leaves, playing with his tie. He's probably thinking: "Damn, we were only halfway through my concert."
Tim and Dawn walk in the corridor. Tim asks "what in the name of jumping Joseph" - hee - "was that song about?" He wonders what David is doing and what Rowan is doing - I don't catch every word, but basically he seems to be saying that if you don't know the stuff Rowan is teaching, you don't deserve to have a job. Dawn is laughing and rubbing her face a bit, recovering from her crying earlier. Tim asks her if she's feeling better and she says she is. Tim is so sweet.
The employees are using part of their lunch breaks for checking mails and making calls. I don't think I would. If you're gonna be in training all day, just relax while you're not in training. Keith sits down with a loud "Ahh" and rubs his ear. That somehow reminds me of a St Bernard. He's not rubbing his ear with his foot, though.
Dawn sits on the sofa, as Donna comes in. I somehow don't like Donna. She stands up to David and Gareth and mostly reacts as any other sane person would, but I somehow find her unlikeable. In this scene especially, because does she really even know Dawn? We've never seen them talk, yet she's talking like she's her best friend: "Forget all about it, he's not worth it." How should she know? Has she met Lee at all? "I go through this sort of thing all the time - though it's usually me who dumps them." Yes, that oughta make her feel better. Dawn says it was just an argument, but Donna continues: "You should come out with me, I'll find you a new bloke." Ugh. I hate when friends try to find someone for you. Just let people figure their love lives out for themselves. Especially if you don't even know them. Dawn politely declines, as it was just an argument. "Well, I'm just saying," Donna says. "Thanks, that was nice," says Dawn. She's not facing Donna, who's leaning over the back of the sofa, so she's free to roll her eyes a bit. Yeah, that would be my reaction too. But I must admit that I don't sympathize with Dawn here all that much, because if you bring your dirty laundry to work, others are going to try and wash it for you.
In the conference room, Rowan is eating a sandwich and reading the paper. He looks much happier than in the previous scenes, and I'm sure he's enjoying a moment away from David and the silence of a guitar-free conference room.
In David's room, Dawn gets some more unwanted attention for her problems. David's sitting on a chair facing her, while Gareth is sitting on his desk. Why is Gareth even there? David tells Dawn he's aware of her problem, and "I wouldn't be the boss or the man that I am if I didn't try to offer some encouragement. So..." As the camera shows Dawn's shocked face, we hear more guitar riffs. Well, David wouldn't be the boss or the man he is if he didn't try to play The Boss, Slough Version, in every possible situation. Next to Dawn on a table is a sad little potted plant, too small to really bring any coziness into the room, and I know they had a real office as a set, but I can't help but wonder if they put that puny plant there on purpose just to emphasize the dullness of David's office. "It's something I wrote, I hope it helps," says David. I just have to transcribe the lyrics again:
"Rose, you never used your thorns
The ones you loved abandoned you
Your angel face made hearts so warm
You helped the sick,
But who helped you?"
As David sings, Gareth bobs his head with his eyes closed, looking like he enjoys this immensely. He's so sad. And Mackenzie Crook is an awesome actor. His body language is just perfect, the way he embodies the ass-kissing lameness of Gareth Keenan. As David gets into the bridge part, the song suddenly gets a lot faster and darker, and he tries to sing it cooler:
"Rushing through the Paris night
They hounded you, you lost control
We prayed that you would be alright
The news came through: Your body co-o-old..."
Suddenly the song gets slow and calm again:
"Good night, my sweet princess... "
Dawn interrupts him to ask if it was originally about Princess Diana. Yeah, I wonder. Like most untalented writers, David lacks the ability to make the song symbolic, and the only symbol he uses is from another song. David admits he wrote it about Princess Di, "but it fits perfectly, doesn't it?" Yeah, sure. Those lyrics could be applied to anything in life! "Not the car crash bit," says Dawn and laughs nervously. Gareth Keenan to the rescue, as David can't think of what to say: "Your relationship with Lee is a bit like a car crash." Hee, that's so rude. David points at Gareth and nods whilst smiling smugly and closing his eyes. Great body language from Gervais there. He acts like that was what he was thinking, but couldn't put it into words. "In Paris?" says Dawn. David waits for a response from Gareth. "City of love," Gareth says like Dawn should have thought of that herself. Yeah, it's obvious really. David nods deeply, looking smug about the brilliance of a thought that was neither brilliant nor his. Dawn, like Tim earlier, realizes that there's no point in questioning the lyrics. "You're right, it fits perfectly, thank you," she says and laughs nervously again. David suddenly launches into "Every breath you take..." and Gareth starts bobbing his head to the rhythm with his eyes closed again. If the Princess Di song didn't fit, how about this then? You'll be watching Dawn? I wonder if the writers were nodding to the version dedicated to Notorious BIG and sung by Puff Daddy. That, like David's Princess Di song, was rather unoriginal. David still manages to look smug, even if the lyrics of two of his songs have been questioned now. You can just tell that he's thinking, "The night this airs I will get a call from at least one record company."
Season 1, Episode 4, Part 3: "Ultimate Fantasy"
The camera shows the outside of what seems to be a window high on a very drab building indeed. Only this time it's red. Isn't the office house grey? Maybe they're in another building. OK, I won't obsess over this, but the point is the house looks boring and uninspirational, as it should.
Back inside, Rowan has gained his composure and he's telling the employees that this day is about them getting to know and trust each other. Um, ok. They only work together 8 hours a day, so if they don't know each other after that, maybe they don't want to. Tim and Dawn are looking tired and bored. They play with each other's arms in a hard-to-describe gesture. I can only say it looks very natural and like flirting, so it might well be ad libbed. Rowan starts to introduce an exercise, but before he can do that, Lee knocks on the door and asks to talk to Dawn. Rowan tells her to go meet Lee. I think it's disturbing they're having this personal fight in the office while working. Is it really like this in day jobs? I only work part time as a telephone interviewer, so I feel like I don't get a moment off until it's 9 pm. Then again, I'm getting paid by the job. But I digress.
The exercise is simply that everyone says their name and their ultimate fantasy. It should be simple enough, but nothing is simple for David and Gareth. Rowan kicks off by saying he dreams of having his own island. Then it's David's turn. He starts to split hairs about whether the dream should be possible or not. Rowan looks really tired, as David manages to turn a simple question into one of his great babbles: "If you're talking about anything that could or could NOT be possible, actually, you know, anything that could be conceived of.. to.. happen or not..within.. my... realm...then I guess some sort of everlasting life. I don't mean in a spiritual sense, but actually to see the future and know what it's like to live on.. and on.. and on.. forever." I love how he jumps straight from "life" to the redundant explanation, because he does it so quickly. It really sounds like Ricky ad libbed this, but I don't think he did. Gotta admire him. Also, the dream is so typical for someone like David. His life is already pretty sad and he wants that to go on forever? Tim says he's starting to know what an eternal life is like, and as a smart guy, he does know how it would feel: it would be the ultimate boredom. A childish guy like David just thinks it would be cool and exciting.
Dawn and Lee fight in the corridor. I think this part probably was ad libbed, because they talk over each other. They repeat things like "You have your say, why can't I have my say..." This quickly gets boring, even if it only goes on for a few seconds, and we cut to a Dawnterview where she tells us that Lee and her have been married for three years, and he proposed on a Valentine's Day with an ad in the paper. "I think he had to pay by the word, because it only said: Lee love Dawn. Marriage?" She reads out the question mark. Dawn says she likes that because "it's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty." Well, it's one of the two. She does it in this perfect voice that implies she's not all that happy with it, but she's trying to show to the camera she likes it, because Lee will be watching. She gives the camera a little uneasy smile. Great naturalistic acting, once again.
Dawn comes back into the conference room and yells after Lee: "Don't call my Mom again!" Lovely. The other employees surely appreciate all this drama. Rowan says, "Dawn do you want..." but she just lifts a finger at him - no, not that finger - and walks back to her seat. I love Dawn. Gareth comes in carrying a bulletin board, and Rowan asks him to share his ultimate fantasy. Lesson of the day: when you're dealing with young guys, don't use the word fantasy unless you mean it in a sexual way. Gareth delivers this gem with a totally serious face: "Two lesbians probably. Sisters. I'm just watching." Sisters?! Where are you going to find lesbian SISTERS who would do it while a guy is watching? That is wrong in so many ways and yet it's awesome, because Gareth says it. Then he looks around like he realizes what he just said. Even David sees something wrong with it, as he furrows his brows. But then he might be mentally playing the scene Gareth described and trying to look like he's not having a boner. It's hard to tell. After a moment of silence, Rowan resumes and asks Tim. Tim says, "I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth, please?" I think he's just trying to tease Gareth, but he sounds completely serious, and Gareth nervously looks around as if to see if he's expected to elaborate on the lesbian sisters and their sexual adventures.
David smiles in a moronic way as Rowan presents another theme for today: MOTIVATION, written on a projector slide. But it's not just motivation, it's MOTIVATION! you know, that's not what projector slides are for. If you want to project something, it should be visual in some way, and I think a big word is not really motivational enough on its own. Not to mention that projector slides are so old-fashioned. But then, when was this show made? 2000? Maybe it's feasible that a small office couldn't afford anything fancier at the time. Rowan asks Keith what his motivation for working here is. Ooh, goodie. I have yet to see a scene with Keith that wasn't brilliant. David, of course, replies for him: "Being part of a team." What? How is that a motivation? Isn't "teamwork" one of those things that every ad for an open job is advertising? Rowan tells David to let Keith answer it himself. "I'm just saying, that's probably what he'd say if you asked him," David says. He really can't handle it when someone else has the spotlight, no matter how small the issue. "Well I am asking him and I'd really like him to answer," says Rowan. I like him. David does one of his "I may be wearing a suit, but I'm still ten at heart" moves and asks Keith, "Do you wanna answer him? Thanks." He then lifts his head and plays with his tie again. David has spoken. Even if he really should have kept his mouth shut.
Keith, in his usual perfect monotone, says: "This job is a stop-gap really... The job's not difficult and I'm not taking my work home with me... It's pretty brainless." That's awesome, because Keith gives an impression of not actually having any thoughts himself. If HE finds the job boring, it must be really bad. David, of course, is offended. He keeps saying, "hmmm...hmm.." in a deep voice all through Keith's speech, and then gets all defensive: "On your level, maybe, but..but.." Keith awesomely interrupts him, because he's a slow talker and he was just taking a break between sentences: "Ultimately I wanna play music.. write music and play in a band." Yeah, he is so rock'n'roll. Even when he's DJing in some episodes, he just stands there and works on the turn tables like they were calculators. I love this character. He's just so deadpan, so understated, and they don't use him too much to wear him out. Keith rocks.
David finds a way to bring the topic back to himself: "Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, next!" He always emphasizes the last word so that it sounds funny: Nexttt. The camera does a little shake back and forth as poor Rowan, who has his head resting on his hands at this point, tries to ask Keith something, but Dawn interrupts him to ask David if he was in a band, "Like a rock band?" David is happy that the focus is back on him and says yes. "What were you called?" asks Dawn. Oh Dawn, don't get him going. "Foregone Conclusion," says David. And that is brilliant, because who's more prejudiced than David? Rowan tells David this is neither the time nor the place. "Well, I have to deal with the questions," says David, and his smile implies that if this training day is a pissing contest between him and Rowan, he just won. Because he was in a band. He's cool. Tim asks what David did in the group. "Singer/songwriter," says David and looks at the camera with this fake-humble smile that says: "FINALLY I get to show the viewers at home that I am a rock star!" He turns to Rowan and says, "Lyrics man mainly, but you know...The music came... easy as well, so..." But of course. How could creativity be hard for someone like David? He does a ridiculous little "playing the keyboards" gesture as he talks about the music. Then he combines his fingers with his trademark smug smile. "Are there any more questions for David?" says Rowan. "No? Good." David points out that he didn't give them the chance to ask anything. He points at Dawn and asks her if she'd like to ask something. Of course she has to come up with something now. She asks if they were successful. "Were we successful?" says David slowly. "I'll let you be the judge of that when I tell you that we were once SUPPORTED BY a little-known Scottish outfit called Texas." Oh, so Texas warmed up for them? Why do I suspect it was the other way around? And before Texas even became famous? David's gleeful smile says: "I have now proven that I am the star and everybody will love me." Everyone except Rowan, who looks at David angrily as he gives a little fake laugh.
David interviews that people come to him and say, "Oh David, you're a brilliant singer/songwriter, you're stuck in Slough. Whilst Texas, they're off making all the money. And they're rubbish compared to you." Yeah, I'm sure many people have told him that, considering not even his own employees knew he used to be in a band. That's actually kinda off character, coming to think of it. Wouldn't he have said that on his first day as boss? "Hi all, I'm David Brent, I'm your boss. But don't worry, I'm just a chilled out entertainer. In fact, I used to be in a band. A little known band called Foregone Conclusion."*plays with his tie* I can just see that. In the interview, David once again goes into his scenario as if it were reality and says, "Don't slag them off," with an indignant look on his face. "I've been there, I've done that, I've left that behind me." Yeah, so he's actually better than Texas because he's moved on and they're still doing it. He tries to play modest as he says they're good in their own fields: "I'm sure Texas couldn't run a successful paper merchants', and I couldn't do... Actually I could do what they do... And I think they knew it back then... Probably what spurred them on." Right. It all makes a lot of sense, because
a) David doesn't run Wernham Hogg;
b) He wasn't in a paper company while they performed together; and
c) You can't really compare a regional manager at a paper firm to Texas, no matter how much of a has-been rock star he is.
Someone like David who has to be the center of attention all the time wouldn't have left a band unless he had to. Which means they bombed. And if Texas had opened for them, I don't think Tim and Dawn would have to ask him what his band's name was, because they'd know him. It's all a bit sad, but also hilarious, because it's happening to David, so of course he acts like he's the biggest star in the world. Incidentally, Ricky Gervais used to be in a band in the 80's. If you're interested in seeing a much younger, leaner, meaner Gervais, you can check a part of the music video here.
Back inside, Rowan has gained his composure and he's telling the employees that this day is about them getting to know and trust each other. Um, ok. They only work together 8 hours a day, so if they don't know each other after that, maybe they don't want to. Tim and Dawn are looking tired and bored. They play with each other's arms in a hard-to-describe gesture. I can only say it looks very natural and like flirting, so it might well be ad libbed. Rowan starts to introduce an exercise, but before he can do that, Lee knocks on the door and asks to talk to Dawn. Rowan tells her to go meet Lee. I think it's disturbing they're having this personal fight in the office while working. Is it really like this in day jobs? I only work part time as a telephone interviewer, so I feel like I don't get a moment off until it's 9 pm. Then again, I'm getting paid by the job. But I digress.
The exercise is simply that everyone says their name and their ultimate fantasy. It should be simple enough, but nothing is simple for David and Gareth. Rowan kicks off by saying he dreams of having his own island. Then it's David's turn. He starts to split hairs about whether the dream should be possible or not. Rowan looks really tired, as David manages to turn a simple question into one of his great babbles: "If you're talking about anything that could or could NOT be possible, actually, you know, anything that could be conceived of.. to.. happen or not..within.. my... realm...then I guess some sort of everlasting life. I don't mean in a spiritual sense, but actually to see the future and know what it's like to live on.. and on.. and on.. forever." I love how he jumps straight from "life" to the redundant explanation, because he does it so quickly. It really sounds like Ricky ad libbed this, but I don't think he did. Gotta admire him. Also, the dream is so typical for someone like David. His life is already pretty sad and he wants that to go on forever? Tim says he's starting to know what an eternal life is like, and as a smart guy, he does know how it would feel: it would be the ultimate boredom. A childish guy like David just thinks it would be cool and exciting.
Dawn and Lee fight in the corridor. I think this part probably was ad libbed, because they talk over each other. They repeat things like "You have your say, why can't I have my say..." This quickly gets boring, even if it only goes on for a few seconds, and we cut to a Dawnterview where she tells us that Lee and her have been married for three years, and he proposed on a Valentine's Day with an ad in the paper. "I think he had to pay by the word, because it only said: Lee love Dawn. Marriage?" She reads out the question mark. Dawn says she likes that because "it's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty." Well, it's one of the two. She does it in this perfect voice that implies she's not all that happy with it, but she's trying to show to the camera she likes it, because Lee will be watching. She gives the camera a little uneasy smile. Great naturalistic acting, once again.
Dawn comes back into the conference room and yells after Lee: "Don't call my Mom again!" Lovely. The other employees surely appreciate all this drama. Rowan says, "Dawn do you want..." but she just lifts a finger at him - no, not that finger - and walks back to her seat. I love Dawn. Gareth comes in carrying a bulletin board, and Rowan asks him to share his ultimate fantasy. Lesson of the day: when you're dealing with young guys, don't use the word fantasy unless you mean it in a sexual way. Gareth delivers this gem with a totally serious face: "Two lesbians probably. Sisters. I'm just watching." Sisters?! Where are you going to find lesbian SISTERS who would do it while a guy is watching? That is wrong in so many ways and yet it's awesome, because Gareth says it. Then he looks around like he realizes what he just said. Even David sees something wrong with it, as he furrows his brows. But then he might be mentally playing the scene Gareth described and trying to look like he's not having a boner. It's hard to tell. After a moment of silence, Rowan resumes and asks Tim. Tim says, "I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth, please?" I think he's just trying to tease Gareth, but he sounds completely serious, and Gareth nervously looks around as if to see if he's expected to elaborate on the lesbian sisters and their sexual adventures.
David smiles in a moronic way as Rowan presents another theme for today: MOTIVATION, written on a projector slide. But it's not just motivation, it's MOTIVATION! you know, that's not what projector slides are for. If you want to project something, it should be visual in some way, and I think a big word is not really motivational enough on its own. Not to mention that projector slides are so old-fashioned. But then, when was this show made? 2000? Maybe it's feasible that a small office couldn't afford anything fancier at the time. Rowan asks Keith what his motivation for working here is. Ooh, goodie. I have yet to see a scene with Keith that wasn't brilliant. David, of course, replies for him: "Being part of a team." What? How is that a motivation? Isn't "teamwork" one of those things that every ad for an open job is advertising? Rowan tells David to let Keith answer it himself. "I'm just saying, that's probably what he'd say if you asked him," David says. He really can't handle it when someone else has the spotlight, no matter how small the issue. "Well I am asking him and I'd really like him to answer," says Rowan. I like him. David does one of his "I may be wearing a suit, but I'm still ten at heart" moves and asks Keith, "Do you wanna answer him? Thanks." He then lifts his head and plays with his tie again. David has spoken. Even if he really should have kept his mouth shut.
Keith, in his usual perfect monotone, says: "This job is a stop-gap really... The job's not difficult and I'm not taking my work home with me... It's pretty brainless." That's awesome, because Keith gives an impression of not actually having any thoughts himself. If HE finds the job boring, it must be really bad. David, of course, is offended. He keeps saying, "hmmm...hmm.." in a deep voice all through Keith's speech, and then gets all defensive: "On your level, maybe, but..but.." Keith awesomely interrupts him, because he's a slow talker and he was just taking a break between sentences: "Ultimately I wanna play music.. write music and play in a band." Yeah, he is so rock'n'roll. Even when he's DJing in some episodes, he just stands there and works on the turn tables like they were calculators. I love this character. He's just so deadpan, so understated, and they don't use him too much to wear him out. Keith rocks.
David finds a way to bring the topic back to himself: "Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, next!" He always emphasizes the last word so that it sounds funny: Nexttt. The camera does a little shake back and forth as poor Rowan, who has his head resting on his hands at this point, tries to ask Keith something, but Dawn interrupts him to ask David if he was in a band, "Like a rock band?" David is happy that the focus is back on him and says yes. "What were you called?" asks Dawn. Oh Dawn, don't get him going. "Foregone Conclusion," says David. And that is brilliant, because who's more prejudiced than David? Rowan tells David this is neither the time nor the place. "Well, I have to deal with the questions," says David, and his smile implies that if this training day is a pissing contest between him and Rowan, he just won. Because he was in a band. He's cool. Tim asks what David did in the group. "Singer/songwriter," says David and looks at the camera with this fake-humble smile that says: "FINALLY I get to show the viewers at home that I am a rock star!" He turns to Rowan and says, "Lyrics man mainly, but you know...The music came... easy as well, so..." But of course. How could creativity be hard for someone like David? He does a ridiculous little "playing the keyboards" gesture as he talks about the music. Then he combines his fingers with his trademark smug smile. "Are there any more questions for David?" says Rowan. "No? Good." David points out that he didn't give them the chance to ask anything. He points at Dawn and asks her if she'd like to ask something. Of course she has to come up with something now. She asks if they were successful. "Were we successful?" says David slowly. "I'll let you be the judge of that when I tell you that we were once SUPPORTED BY a little-known Scottish outfit called Texas." Oh, so Texas warmed up for them? Why do I suspect it was the other way around? And before Texas even became famous? David's gleeful smile says: "I have now proven that I am the star and everybody will love me." Everyone except Rowan, who looks at David angrily as he gives a little fake laugh.
David interviews that people come to him and say, "Oh David, you're a brilliant singer/songwriter, you're stuck in Slough. Whilst Texas, they're off making all the money. And they're rubbish compared to you." Yeah, I'm sure many people have told him that, considering not even his own employees knew he used to be in a band. That's actually kinda off character, coming to think of it. Wouldn't he have said that on his first day as boss? "Hi all, I'm David Brent, I'm your boss. But don't worry, I'm just a chilled out entertainer. In fact, I used to be in a band. A little known band called Foregone Conclusion."*plays with his tie* I can just see that. In the interview, David once again goes into his scenario as if it were reality and says, "Don't slag them off," with an indignant look on his face. "I've been there, I've done that, I've left that behind me." Yeah, so he's actually better than Texas because he's moved on and they're still doing it. He tries to play modest as he says they're good in their own fields: "I'm sure Texas couldn't run a successful paper merchants', and I couldn't do... Actually I could do what they do... And I think they knew it back then... Probably what spurred them on." Right. It all makes a lot of sense, because
a) David doesn't run Wernham Hogg;
b) He wasn't in a paper company while they performed together; and
c) You can't really compare a regional manager at a paper firm to Texas, no matter how much of a has-been rock star he is.
Someone like David who has to be the center of attention all the time wouldn't have left a band unless he had to. Which means they bombed. And if Texas had opened for them, I don't think Tim and Dawn would have to ask him what his band's name was, because they'd know him. It's all a bit sad, but also hilarious, because it's happening to David, so of course he acts like he's the biggest star in the world. Incidentally, Ricky Gervais used to be in a band in the 80's. If you're interested in seeing a much younger, leaner, meaner Gervais, you can check a part of the music video here.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Season 1, Episode 4, Part 2: "Who Cares Wins"
The video rolls. It is indeed cheesy and 80's, and I think it's Gervais/Merchant's way of laughing at training videos at work and educational videos in general. First we see ridiculous 80's graphics: grey, white, and green boxes just sliding in and out of the frame. Remember when all graphics were like that? If you don't, consider yourself lucky. Ricky and Donna watch with their arms folded, looking a bit sceptical. The name of the video comes on screen with the text "presented by Peter Purves" under it. Am I supposed to know who he is? Actually, he's not credited as "himself", so he might really be a made up person. When they show the video, you can see a lamp's reflection on the screen, which is a nice touch.
Cut to a middle-aged man watering a potted plant in a set that looks like an office. But it really does look like a set, because it's only three tables and one filing cabinet or something. No people, no phones ringing, so it lacks that office feel. Peter Purves - but I'll call him Purvy - turns to face the camera and says: "Hi", as if he only now noticed he was being filmed. He moves around in the mock office and asks what the most important asset of a business is. "Staff," says David smugly and looks at the others. He's leaning back in his chair, his arms folded over his belly. He manages to look both over-attentive and arrogant that way. "That's right," says Purvy. "The customer." David shrugs and says, "Different angle." Well, David has a rather unique angle, like when he was saying before that today is about customer care, or in other words, the staff. Staff doesn't really equal customer, David. Coming to think of it, he's not in touch with the customer but rather deals with staff, so it's understandable he'd think in this way - especially considering that he's not a particularly good boss, so he can't put himself in the position of his employees.
Purvy goes up to a desk and shows an open suitcase containing wads of cash. They represent this year's profits. "And this is what you're doing to those profits if you underestimate the value of customer care," says Purvy menacingly and sets fire to the bills. Ridiculous 80's warning music plays as the bills burn. Oo, I'm scared. David redundantly tells Gareth, "That's not real money. You know why?" He keeps leaning back in his chair and turning halfway round to face Gareth - who is still taking notes, by the way - and seems like this ADD kid in class, who can't sit still even for a short video. Gareth is clearly trying to pay attention to the video and doesn't reply anything, so Tim says instead, "Cos you'd be mad to burn it." David is happy to tell them this bit of trivia: "No, cos it's illegal to destroy anything with the queen's image of the realm in it." That's a bit weird. Even if I guess burning the US flag is also illegal. I'm not sure. David is talking quite loud, and Rowan has to act as the teacher: "Can we just watch the video?" David doesn't seem to pay attention to him, but he is quiet for a moment. Purvy tells us, "Statistics show that if you're treated well, you tell five people. If you're treated badly, you'll tell NINE." The warning music plays again. David nods smugly when Purvy says five and makes a somewhat surprised, yet completely overacted, face when he says nine. He's obviously thinking of the camera. Gareth has stopped writing, so we know he's thinking. He asks David if you can set fire to a postage stamp. David claims that postage stamps are actually legal tender and a bus driver should accept them. Tim doesn't buy that. "If he doesn't you can report him," says David. "I'll report him when I'm walking home," says Tim. "You can take a taxi if you have enough stamps," suggests Gareth. "Or cash it in at the post office," says Dawn. "Shouldn't have to, shouldn't have to," says David and taps his arm, pleased that he got to share a completely useless and unrelated piece of information. I think Gareth was genuinely interested, while Tim and Dawn were just playing along so they don't have to focus on the video. Rowan doesn't say anything, but he looks at David like he can't believe the boss is distracting the employees. That just shows he's new here.
Back in "Who Cares Wins", we see a rather unlikely scenario. A stereotypical young female employee is talking on the phone in overexcited tones: "Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Oh REALLY? Well I said to him..." The sexism is palpable, as an important male customer tries to get the woman's attention and she simply says, "I'm on the phone." The customer leaves and the picture freezes. Purvy is imposed over it and tells us, "Well done. That customer won't be bothering you again... ever." Yeah, because this happens so often. In a "what should have happened" scenario, the woman immediately tells the customer, "Excuse me, sir, I'll be with you in a moment." The customer smiles happily, as if he just wants to be noticed. Because customers, the salt of the earth, are always kind and meek if you only treat them right. There are lots of people who would simply have yelled, "Get off the phone NOW, I'm in a hurry!" The woman rather unbelievably tells her friend, "I'm sorry Jean, I have to go now, I have a customer. I'll call you back at a more convenient time." Yeah, I always talk to my friends that formally too. The picture freezes to a frame where the woman looks at the customer obediently. Purvy comes on again and tells us that it really is that simple: you just acknowledge the customer and everyone will be happy. David is shown nodding again. He has that look, as if this was really his idea, only the video writers happened to say it out loud first. Gareth is still thinking hard with his pen in his hand. It's hard to guess what his mind is on - using postage stamps as legal tender, or how to use a pen as a lethal weapon in the jungle? Dawn looks at Tim, trying to engage him in some laughing-at-the-video, but Tim just looks tired.
Cut to later. On the video, "SeeU Opticians" is operating in an office with one of those vision tests on the wall. Except that it says, "Have you heard of customer care" in letters that get gradually smaller and smaller. The optician tries to shake hands with a potted plant. He tells it, "Your prescription will be ready on Friday, madam." "Fine, see you Tuesday," says the woman, who's trying to shake hands with a rack full of sample frames. I think my sides just split from laughing. Purvy closes with "Make your motto: Who cares wins." Yeah, I think we got that already. The woman sees him and asks for his autograph. "Thank you, Mr Noakes," says the woman and Purvy grimaces at the camera. David laughs out loud, obviously expecting others to laugh too, but no one does, because it's not funny. In fact, I think I saw the same joke on American Idol a few years back. That's how bad it is. David doesn't want to lose face, so he claps his hands and says, "Very good. Very good." Gareth gets the joke now and tells Tim, "John Noakes." David explains that they worked together on Blue Peter, "That's what the reference was," and he's still laughing. Sad.
Rowan decides to take over and tells them it's "time for the dreaded role play." David makes an "ughh" sound, which is lame and unnecessary, like just about everything he says in this episode. Rowan takes David first, calling him "your leader", which David likes. Rowan tells them to applaud, but only Gareth and Tim seem to do that. David says he's done it before and Rowan says that makes it easier. Well... We'll see. Rowan wants to start with something nice and simple. "Hard as you like," says David who thinks this is a test where he gets to show his acting skills. Rowan tells the employees you always need to improve your customer care skills, and David keeps nodding and intersecting "yeah"s and other comments just to show that he's always one step ahead of Rowan. Rowan's idea is to act out a scene where - "and this will be the wrong way to do it," he says and David fakes a laugh again - a bad hotel employee is confronted by an unhappy guest. David totally misses the point and says, "If it's a Basil Fawlty type character, maybe I should play him." Rowan says it's just to "kick things off." David tries to make himself look like the star still and, playing with his tie, he says he'll "probably bring something to this role anyway". It's not an audition for a Hollywood movie, David. Rowan emphasizes many times that this will be the WRONG way of doing it. I think the writers have taken part in some rather redundant training sessions in their time.
As they begin, David just stands there for a moment and then asks Rowan what the complaint is supposed to be. Great ad lib. Rowan says just anything will do. "Anything. Because there are no right or wrong answers," David redundantly tells the employees. "Then we tell you the right answer afterwards," he adds, undoing his whole point. Rowan is getting a bit annoyed at David already and tries to make him focus, "OK, you've got a complaint?" They get into the scenario. David is actually doing fairly well at first. Rowan plays a very annoying hotel employee, taking on a really rejecting, arrogant look. I think he's acting out some of his tensions towards David, as he repeats "I don't care". David, who thinks this is a competition, suddenly screams, "I think there's been a rape up there!" Everyone stares in shock, including Rowan. Gareth stops writing for a moment, but then resumes. I'm pretty sure he actually writes "I think there's been a rape up there." David smugly tells the employees to "Get. Their. Attention." That's brilliant. The next time I want to get someone's attention, I'll just scream out that someone's been raped. That oughta show them. Rowan recovers a bit and comments on it, but David won't let him talk.
Rowan: "Ok, there were some interesting points there..
David: "Very interesting points."
Rowan: "Not quite the point I was trying to make..."
David: "Different points for different..."
Rowan: "I'm more interested, really, in customer care."
David: "So am I."
I feel for Rowan, having to work in this environment, but it's still hilarious to watch. David suggests that he could play the hotel manager, and Rowan obliges, rubbing his face with a gesture that looks very tired. Rowan comes to David, complaining about the room not being cleaned. David basically mimicks his earlier performance, saying, "I don't care", and then suddenly asks, "What room are you in?" When Rowan says the number, David says there is no room by that number. "Sometimes the complaints will be false," he tells the employees. "OK? Good." Yeah, I hope they got that, because that's probably exactly what Rowan was going for. In an improvised play, there's always the risk of someone coming up with something idiotic like that, and then that's the reality of the story and you can't change it anymore.
Cut to a middle-aged man watering a potted plant in a set that looks like an office. But it really does look like a set, because it's only three tables and one filing cabinet or something. No people, no phones ringing, so it lacks that office feel. Peter Purves - but I'll call him Purvy - turns to face the camera and says: "Hi", as if he only now noticed he was being filmed. He moves around in the mock office and asks what the most important asset of a business is. "Staff," says David smugly and looks at the others. He's leaning back in his chair, his arms folded over his belly. He manages to look both over-attentive and arrogant that way. "That's right," says Purvy. "The customer." David shrugs and says, "Different angle." Well, David has a rather unique angle, like when he was saying before that today is about customer care, or in other words, the staff. Staff doesn't really equal customer, David. Coming to think of it, he's not in touch with the customer but rather deals with staff, so it's understandable he'd think in this way - especially considering that he's not a particularly good boss, so he can't put himself in the position of his employees.
Purvy goes up to a desk and shows an open suitcase containing wads of cash. They represent this year's profits. "And this is what you're doing to those profits if you underestimate the value of customer care," says Purvy menacingly and sets fire to the bills. Ridiculous 80's warning music plays as the bills burn. Oo, I'm scared. David redundantly tells Gareth, "That's not real money. You know why?" He keeps leaning back in his chair and turning halfway round to face Gareth - who is still taking notes, by the way - and seems like this ADD kid in class, who can't sit still even for a short video. Gareth is clearly trying to pay attention to the video and doesn't reply anything, so Tim says instead, "Cos you'd be mad to burn it." David is happy to tell them this bit of trivia: "No, cos it's illegal to destroy anything with the queen's image of the realm in it." That's a bit weird. Even if I guess burning the US flag is also illegal. I'm not sure. David is talking quite loud, and Rowan has to act as the teacher: "Can we just watch the video?" David doesn't seem to pay attention to him, but he is quiet for a moment. Purvy tells us, "Statistics show that if you're treated well, you tell five people. If you're treated badly, you'll tell NINE." The warning music plays again. David nods smugly when Purvy says five and makes a somewhat surprised, yet completely overacted, face when he says nine. He's obviously thinking of the camera. Gareth has stopped writing, so we know he's thinking. He asks David if you can set fire to a postage stamp. David claims that postage stamps are actually legal tender and a bus driver should accept them. Tim doesn't buy that. "If he doesn't you can report him," says David. "I'll report him when I'm walking home," says Tim. "You can take a taxi if you have enough stamps," suggests Gareth. "Or cash it in at the post office," says Dawn. "Shouldn't have to, shouldn't have to," says David and taps his arm, pleased that he got to share a completely useless and unrelated piece of information. I think Gareth was genuinely interested, while Tim and Dawn were just playing along so they don't have to focus on the video. Rowan doesn't say anything, but he looks at David like he can't believe the boss is distracting the employees. That just shows he's new here.
Back in "Who Cares Wins", we see a rather unlikely scenario. A stereotypical young female employee is talking on the phone in overexcited tones: "Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Oh REALLY? Well I said to him..." The sexism is palpable, as an important male customer tries to get the woman's attention and she simply says, "I'm on the phone." The customer leaves and the picture freezes. Purvy is imposed over it and tells us, "Well done. That customer won't be bothering you again... ever." Yeah, because this happens so often. In a "what should have happened" scenario, the woman immediately tells the customer, "Excuse me, sir, I'll be with you in a moment." The customer smiles happily, as if he just wants to be noticed. Because customers, the salt of the earth, are always kind and meek if you only treat them right. There are lots of people who would simply have yelled, "Get off the phone NOW, I'm in a hurry!" The woman rather unbelievably tells her friend, "I'm sorry Jean, I have to go now, I have a customer. I'll call you back at a more convenient time." Yeah, I always talk to my friends that formally too. The picture freezes to a frame where the woman looks at the customer obediently. Purvy comes on again and tells us that it really is that simple: you just acknowledge the customer and everyone will be happy. David is shown nodding again. He has that look, as if this was really his idea, only the video writers happened to say it out loud first. Gareth is still thinking hard with his pen in his hand. It's hard to guess what his mind is on - using postage stamps as legal tender, or how to use a pen as a lethal weapon in the jungle? Dawn looks at Tim, trying to engage him in some laughing-at-the-video, but Tim just looks tired.
Cut to later. On the video, "SeeU Opticians" is operating in an office with one of those vision tests on the wall. Except that it says, "Have you heard of customer care" in letters that get gradually smaller and smaller. The optician tries to shake hands with a potted plant. He tells it, "Your prescription will be ready on Friday, madam." "Fine, see you Tuesday," says the woman, who's trying to shake hands with a rack full of sample frames. I think my sides just split from laughing. Purvy closes with "Make your motto: Who cares wins." Yeah, I think we got that already. The woman sees him and asks for his autograph. "Thank you, Mr Noakes," says the woman and Purvy grimaces at the camera. David laughs out loud, obviously expecting others to laugh too, but no one does, because it's not funny. In fact, I think I saw the same joke on American Idol a few years back. That's how bad it is. David doesn't want to lose face, so he claps his hands and says, "Very good. Very good." Gareth gets the joke now and tells Tim, "John Noakes." David explains that they worked together on Blue Peter, "That's what the reference was," and he's still laughing. Sad.
Rowan decides to take over and tells them it's "time for the dreaded role play." David makes an "ughh" sound, which is lame and unnecessary, like just about everything he says in this episode. Rowan takes David first, calling him "your leader", which David likes. Rowan tells them to applaud, but only Gareth and Tim seem to do that. David says he's done it before and Rowan says that makes it easier. Well... We'll see. Rowan wants to start with something nice and simple. "Hard as you like," says David who thinks this is a test where he gets to show his acting skills. Rowan tells the employees you always need to improve your customer care skills, and David keeps nodding and intersecting "yeah"s and other comments just to show that he's always one step ahead of Rowan. Rowan's idea is to act out a scene where - "and this will be the wrong way to do it," he says and David fakes a laugh again - a bad hotel employee is confronted by an unhappy guest. David totally misses the point and says, "If it's a Basil Fawlty type character, maybe I should play him." Rowan says it's just to "kick things off." David tries to make himself look like the star still and, playing with his tie, he says he'll "probably bring something to this role anyway". It's not an audition for a Hollywood movie, David. Rowan emphasizes many times that this will be the WRONG way of doing it. I think the writers have taken part in some rather redundant training sessions in their time.
As they begin, David just stands there for a moment and then asks Rowan what the complaint is supposed to be. Great ad lib. Rowan says just anything will do. "Anything. Because there are no right or wrong answers," David redundantly tells the employees. "Then we tell you the right answer afterwards," he adds, undoing his whole point. Rowan is getting a bit annoyed at David already and tries to make him focus, "OK, you've got a complaint?" They get into the scenario. David is actually doing fairly well at first. Rowan plays a very annoying hotel employee, taking on a really rejecting, arrogant look. I think he's acting out some of his tensions towards David, as he repeats "I don't care". David, who thinks this is a competition, suddenly screams, "I think there's been a rape up there!" Everyone stares in shock, including Rowan. Gareth stops writing for a moment, but then resumes. I'm pretty sure he actually writes "I think there's been a rape up there." David smugly tells the employees to "Get. Their. Attention." That's brilliant. The next time I want to get someone's attention, I'll just scream out that someone's been raped. That oughta show them. Rowan recovers a bit and comments on it, but David won't let him talk.
Rowan: "Ok, there were some interesting points there..
David: "Very interesting points."
Rowan: "Not quite the point I was trying to make..."
David: "Different points for different..."
Rowan: "I'm more interested, really, in customer care."
David: "So am I."
I feel for Rowan, having to work in this environment, but it's still hilarious to watch. David suggests that he could play the hotel manager, and Rowan obliges, rubbing his face with a gesture that looks very tired. Rowan comes to David, complaining about the room not being cleaned. David basically mimicks his earlier performance, saying, "I don't care", and then suddenly asks, "What room are you in?" When Rowan says the number, David says there is no room by that number. "Sometimes the complaints will be false," he tells the employees. "OK? Good." Yeah, I hope they got that, because that's probably exactly what Rowan was going for. In an improvised play, there's always the risk of someone coming up with something idiotic like that, and then that's the reality of the story and you can't change it anymore.
Season 1, Episode 4, Part 1: "Training Day"
In an unusual opening scene, we see Lee and Dawn fighting. Dawn is crying and saying that she has a right to change her mind, and the fight really doesn't make much sense to an outside spectator, as I believe the writers have intended. It seems quite natural, and I'm not sure if it's ad libbed or scripted. It's always hard to tell on this show, which is a good sign.
Cut to an interview with Gareth, of all people. As our relationship expert, Gareth tells us that it might be better to split up, because long-term relationships always mean that the sex gets worse. "You constantly have to find new and erotic ways of spicing things up in the bedroom." Right. Because sex is the most important part of a relationship, and it's bad if you have to be more adventurous. I can just imagine Gareth's sexl.. Actually, I'd rather not imagine that. Moving on.
In a big conference room, Dawn is putting up chairs, while David is talking his usual gibberish to the consultant. He's explaining how he's really good at this stuff, because he was trained in it and he got even better, but he was already good to begin with: "It's a gift AND training." Dawn is still weeping to herself. She's wearing a nice baby blue shirt and a baby blue hair pin, which makes her look prettier than usual. David introduces Rowan, the consultant, to the camera and tells us that he does a couple of these training days a year. David says "It's good to have an outsider now and then to... keep an interest..." He turns to leave, but when Rowan tells the camera he has an MBA in this, David starts blabbing about his own skills again: "I'm trained in it too", even if I doubt he has an MBA. He offers to tell the viewers what today is all about. "I can do that," Rowan offers, but David cuts him off by saying awkwardly, "Well, it's my... thing..." He tell us it's "customer care really. Investement. In. People. I.e, the staff." Wait, I thought you said it was about the customer. David claims that if someone from the staff has a problem, it's his problem. At that very moment, Dawn starts weeping out loud again and runs away from the room. Rowan looks after her, concerned, but David just makes an amused face at the camera that seems to be saying, "Oh, those hysterical women!" Then he goes straight into a stupid analogy: "It's like if you're cleaning a floor and you're up against it, then come to me and I'll help us clean our floor together. So... not literally." Yeah, I can really see him doing that. Rowan just looks at him wide-eyed. Oh, Rowan, you have no idea what you're in for.
People are taking their last calls before the training and leaving their computers. Dawn sits on the sofa, weeping. Aww, poor Dawn. Tim's voice is heard comforting her. The camera zooms out and we see that Tim is sitting there, talking to her calmly and kindly, with a very small voice. He says that Lee and Dawn should be together, and if Lee doesn't see that, he's mad. "Tell you what, if he doesn't see that, I'll marry you." Ah, the "I'll marry you" joke. It's a sure way to tell who really has feelings for you. There's always a joke like that somewhere, half-serious.
Keith leaves a message in his answering machine. His tone is so incredibly monotonous, I don't know how Ewan MacIntosh manages it. I doubt I could be this monotonous if I tried. The message is simply: "Hallo, you're through to Keith. I'll be at training all day today. Please call me .. or leave a message.. and I will call you tomorrow."
Dawn tells Tim he's so lovely. "No, I'm not lovely, you are," Tim says. Oh, get a room you two. Dawn says she's snotty from the crying. "I'll marry your snot," says Tim. Well, that's... both eww and aww, actually. Dawn laughs a bit and seems to be doing better. Of course, Gareth picks this moment to walk in. "You upset? It's about Lee, isn't it?" he says redundantly. Duh, Gareth. You know, maybe if you see someone closer to her already comforting her, you could just leave it? Gareth gives her the biggest compliment he can think of: "You know Monkey Alan down from the warehouse - he fancies you, even if no one else does. So..." Yeah, problem solved. If Lee leaves her, she can immediately hook up with Monkey Alan, whoever that is. I'd hardly be flattered by someone called that "fancying" me. Especially if he's a friend of Gareth's. And the words "even if no one else does" never make the compliment very credible. Dawn bursts into tears again and runs away. Gareth the sexist assumes that it's just because women are so hysterical: "You just can't say anything when they are like that, can you." I'd hate him if he weren't so pathetic. Tim awesomely tells him, "No, YOU can't. I was doing OK." Thinking about it, Tim is the only guy on the show who isn't a total sexist. Well, Neil might not be as bad as some of them, but even he laughs at Finchy's terrible jokes. Tim tells Gareth that Dawn doesn't need to know about Monkey Alan. "Even the name... I don't even know who that is. I'm betting that Monkey Alan..." Gareth cuts him off to tell him who it is: "You know, he's that little bloke..." Tim decides Gareth isn't worth talking with and tells him, "Go away, please. Go over there." Hee, like he's talking to a dog. Gareth doesn't have any objections. He sulks away quietly. I wonder what he's feeling - embarrassment? Anger? Or just his usual "Huh? What went wrong?" I wonder if it's liberating to be so socially clueless.
After a brief establishing shot of the employees walking to the conference room, we see them sitting in a circle. Quite few people, considering - seems to be less than twenty employees. Joan the cleaning lady is, for once, not there. Rowan introduces himself. He comes off as quite a smart and nice guy, especially comparing to David, who's standing next to him and smirking in his usual fashion. When Rowan says he will be "leading" them, David has to add, "Under me." He keeps nodding and shaking his head depending on what Rowan is saying, as if to stress with his body language that he approves of this message. He just can't stand someone else being the center of attention. Dawn is absent-mindedly tapping her knee with her pen, while Gareth is already taking notes, and seems to be writing down every word Rowan says, which cracks me up.
Rowan says they'll watch a video first: "It's a bit cheesy and a bit 80'ish" - David chuckles, always ready to join in the laugh with the others even if he doesn't get the joke - "but I think a lot of the ideas are still pretty valid." David adds, "A good idea is a good idea... for EVER." Wow, that's deep. For him. Actually it's not even deep for David. Just pathetic. Rowan is like, "Ookayy..." and I bet he's already wishing David wouldn't keep cutting him off with inane comments. David looks at Rowan, smirking like he's said the most intelligent thing in the world. "Philosophy," he adds. Hee! I love these little interjections. He's going to do a couple more in this episode. I think he just uses them to underline his "point" - or rather, how brilliant the point supposedly is. You know, in case someone might miss his brilliance.
Cut to an interview with Gareth, of all people. As our relationship expert, Gareth tells us that it might be better to split up, because long-term relationships always mean that the sex gets worse. "You constantly have to find new and erotic ways of spicing things up in the bedroom." Right. Because sex is the most important part of a relationship, and it's bad if you have to be more adventurous. I can just imagine Gareth's sexl.. Actually, I'd rather not imagine that. Moving on.
In a big conference room, Dawn is putting up chairs, while David is talking his usual gibberish to the consultant. He's explaining how he's really good at this stuff, because he was trained in it and he got even better, but he was already good to begin with: "It's a gift AND training." Dawn is still weeping to herself. She's wearing a nice baby blue shirt and a baby blue hair pin, which makes her look prettier than usual. David introduces Rowan, the consultant, to the camera and tells us that he does a couple of these training days a year. David says "It's good to have an outsider now and then to... keep an interest..." He turns to leave, but when Rowan tells the camera he has an MBA in this, David starts blabbing about his own skills again: "I'm trained in it too", even if I doubt he has an MBA. He offers to tell the viewers what today is all about. "I can do that," Rowan offers, but David cuts him off by saying awkwardly, "Well, it's my... thing..." He tell us it's "customer care really. Investement. In. People. I.e, the staff." Wait, I thought you said it was about the customer. David claims that if someone from the staff has a problem, it's his problem. At that very moment, Dawn starts weeping out loud again and runs away from the room. Rowan looks after her, concerned, but David just makes an amused face at the camera that seems to be saying, "Oh, those hysterical women!" Then he goes straight into a stupid analogy: "It's like if you're cleaning a floor and you're up against it, then come to me and I'll help us clean our floor together. So... not literally." Yeah, I can really see him doing that. Rowan just looks at him wide-eyed. Oh, Rowan, you have no idea what you're in for.
People are taking their last calls before the training and leaving their computers. Dawn sits on the sofa, weeping. Aww, poor Dawn. Tim's voice is heard comforting her. The camera zooms out and we see that Tim is sitting there, talking to her calmly and kindly, with a very small voice. He says that Lee and Dawn should be together, and if Lee doesn't see that, he's mad. "Tell you what, if he doesn't see that, I'll marry you." Ah, the "I'll marry you" joke. It's a sure way to tell who really has feelings for you. There's always a joke like that somewhere, half-serious.
Keith leaves a message in his answering machine. His tone is so incredibly monotonous, I don't know how Ewan MacIntosh manages it. I doubt I could be this monotonous if I tried. The message is simply: "Hallo, you're through to Keith. I'll be at training all day today. Please call me .. or leave a message.. and I will call you tomorrow."
Dawn tells Tim he's so lovely. "No, I'm not lovely, you are," Tim says. Oh, get a room you two. Dawn says she's snotty from the crying. "I'll marry your snot," says Tim. Well, that's... both eww and aww, actually. Dawn laughs a bit and seems to be doing better. Of course, Gareth picks this moment to walk in. "You upset? It's about Lee, isn't it?" he says redundantly. Duh, Gareth. You know, maybe if you see someone closer to her already comforting her, you could just leave it? Gareth gives her the biggest compliment he can think of: "You know Monkey Alan down from the warehouse - he fancies you, even if no one else does. So..." Yeah, problem solved. If Lee leaves her, she can immediately hook up with Monkey Alan, whoever that is. I'd hardly be flattered by someone called that "fancying" me. Especially if he's a friend of Gareth's. And the words "even if no one else does" never make the compliment very credible. Dawn bursts into tears again and runs away. Gareth the sexist assumes that it's just because women are so hysterical: "You just can't say anything when they are like that, can you." I'd hate him if he weren't so pathetic. Tim awesomely tells him, "No, YOU can't. I was doing OK." Thinking about it, Tim is the only guy on the show who isn't a total sexist. Well, Neil might not be as bad as some of them, but even he laughs at Finchy's terrible jokes. Tim tells Gareth that Dawn doesn't need to know about Monkey Alan. "Even the name... I don't even know who that is. I'm betting that Monkey Alan..." Gareth cuts him off to tell him who it is: "You know, he's that little bloke..." Tim decides Gareth isn't worth talking with and tells him, "Go away, please. Go over there." Hee, like he's talking to a dog. Gareth doesn't have any objections. He sulks away quietly. I wonder what he's feeling - embarrassment? Anger? Or just his usual "Huh? What went wrong?" I wonder if it's liberating to be so socially clueless.
After a brief establishing shot of the employees walking to the conference room, we see them sitting in a circle. Quite few people, considering - seems to be less than twenty employees. Joan the cleaning lady is, for once, not there. Rowan introduces himself. He comes off as quite a smart and nice guy, especially comparing to David, who's standing next to him and smirking in his usual fashion. When Rowan says he will be "leading" them, David has to add, "Under me." He keeps nodding and shaking his head depending on what Rowan is saying, as if to stress with his body language that he approves of this message. He just can't stand someone else being the center of attention. Dawn is absent-mindedly tapping her knee with her pen, while Gareth is already taking notes, and seems to be writing down every word Rowan says, which cracks me up.
Rowan says they'll watch a video first: "It's a bit cheesy and a bit 80'ish" - David chuckles, always ready to join in the laugh with the others even if he doesn't get the joke - "but I think a lot of the ideas are still pretty valid." David adds, "A good idea is a good idea... for EVER." Wow, that's deep. For him. Actually it's not even deep for David. Just pathetic. Rowan is like, "Ookayy..." and I bet he's already wishing David wouldn't keep cutting him off with inane comments. David looks at Rowan, smirking like he's said the most intelligent thing in the world. "Philosophy," he adds. Hee! I love these little interjections. He's going to do a couple more in this episode. I think he just uses them to underline his "point" - or rather, how brilliant the point supposedly is. You know, in case someone might miss his brilliance.
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Season 1, Episode 3, Part 5: "The Results"
Gareth, as the quiz master, is getting the respect he deserves as the audience throws crumpled pieces of paper at him. He tries to laugh it off, but then loses his temper and shouts: "Do you wanna hear the results or not?!" People look a bit scared. That Gareth, all fun and games. Position number four goes to "Universally Challenged", a team consisting of Sheila, Keith, and the anonymous female employee. In position 3: Malcolm and Dennis, who were apparently all out of witty puns. The Dead Parrots look very drunk and very, very nervous. And then - it's a tie between The Dead Parrots and Ricky and Tim's team, which is called The Tits. The Tits?! OK, I suppose it's inevitable with guys that age. Or any age. Gareth sounds like this is the most exciting thing that ever happened to him. He says "tie-breaker" three times, asking each team to send one member to answer one final question. Tim pats Ricky's shoulder, and David gets up, but Finchy PUSHES HIM DOWN and goes himself. Wow. Some friendship. David doesn't even act hurt, so you know he's done this type of thing before.
Ricky and Finchy get up on stage. Gareth says, "The first person to shout out the correct answer wins." The final question is: "What Shakespeare play features a character called Caliban?" Easy for anyone who has, say, taken a course in Shakespeare at the uni. Chris "One Book a Week" Finch promptly replies: "Macbeth". David says, "Yes," because he knows as little about Shakespeare as Finch does. Gareth says, "No. Ricky?" David's face falls and he assumes a drunkenly surprised pose, which is spot on. I am in awe of Gervais. Acting drunk convincingly can be very difficult. But Finchy isn't done yet, as he, ever the logical thinker, starts listing all Shakespeare plays he's ever heard of: "Midsummer Night's Dream, Hamlet..." Gareth forgets about his own rules and says, "You had your go." Finchy starts desperately repeating that Gareth said the first person to shout out the right answer would win. He continues this even after Ricky says the correct answer: "The Tempest". Would he have come up with that, had he gotten the chance to list Shakespeare plays all night? Maybe, maybe not. It's not one of the best-known Shakespeare plays, and literature is obviously not his strong suit. Nor culture of any kind. Ricky is as triumphant as you might think after all the provocation from Finch, and he leaves the stage shouting, "That's Blockbusters!" Gareth gives him a bottle of champagne and tries to announce the winners, but Finchy's bitterness over the issue isn't over. Gareth keeps smiling and looking at the winners, not making eye contact with Finchy, because he doesn't have enough leadership skills to calmly tell an angry person to return to his seat. Ricky and Tim wave and people cheer at them. The camera pans on David, who's doing his best to not look too disappointed on camera. He stares ahead blankly and rubs his chin. Back at the table, Finchy looks at David despisingly, obviously pinning it all on him. David looks flustered and embarrassed. Poor David. Finchy is an asshole, but David's just sad.
At the pub counter, The Poor Losers walk up and Ricky teases Finchy: "Was it Hamlet, Machbet or Lear..?" Finchy tells him next time he thinks of the questions "and you can have this fat bastard." That's damn cold. "Banter," says David, trying to play it off, but Finchy shows his truly ugly side. He says it's not banter, and asks David to tell people what he answered to the question: "Which Cuban leader has been in power since the revolution in 1959?" David looks duly embarrassed, but when Finchy insists he admits his reply was Fray Bentos. Someone - Ricky? - laughs immaturely off-camera. Finchy cruelly tells David he's a waste of space and the reason the company's doing badly. I hate him. I mean, this episode shows what a sad man with a sad life he really is, and how he's really a lot like David. But David doesn't purposely humiliate his so-called best friend in front of his employees. I'm gonna quote David from the Christmas special: "Chris? Why don't you fuck off." In this episode, David just looks sad, and I feel like I should hate him for being an enabler to Finchy's shitty behaviour, but I feel too sorry for him. He has a really low self-esteem and hanging out with Finchy makes him feel like he's worth something, if only through association with someone "cool". And as always, when people choose friends on that basis, he's chosen someone utterly lame and mean for it.
Dawn shows her humanity by sticking up for David: "Don't get at him just cause they beat you." She shouldn't have said that last part though, as Finchy's testosterone level immediately seems to go up and he says he could list 50 things he's better at. "Like what?" says Dawn. Finchy takes this as a sign that he needs to show he's The Man, and his drunken brain comes up with "Throwing". Dawn laughs, so he starts telling this inane story about how he once threw a copper kettle over a pub in Chichester. David stands next to him nodding, obviously proud of his "friend" who just humiliated him. David's eyes go up and down when Finchy motions how he put his tie around the kettle and it went over the pub, complete with sound effects. Gareth the idiot ASKS if it went over. Finchy shows the same motion again. "Obviously," says Gareth, as if he knew all along. He gets excited and starts explaining how that's an official territorial army method, even if he wouldn't use a tie. "Right. Would you use a kettle?" asks Dawn and bursts into laughter again as Gareth says he'd use an "equivalent", like a coconut. It's cute how Dawn is also obviously drunk in this scene, and she's just winding up Gareth again without him noticing.
Finchy grabs onto his last desperate chance at winning the quiz: he will throw anything the others choose over the pub, and if he succeeds, he won the quiz. "New challenge! Double or quit!" says David. That's not double or quit. That's just "stupid and/or desperate". Then he says "That was the real quiz" several times. This is ridiculous. Ricky agrees with me, as he says, "You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?" I admire him for telling his boss that to his face. Gareth defends them by saying, "He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you done?" Awesome. Finchy and David keep insisting that they should settle the quiz in this way. Ricky says, "Gareth! Throw Gareth." Gareth makes a face at him. Actually, I'd love it if they tried that. He probably weighs about as much as a copper kettle anyway. Somebody starts teasing Tim, as he's "the birthday boy", and they decide to throw his shoes, apparently forcing them off him. The scene gets very realistically chaotic, as no one remembers the camera anymore. They force Tim on the floor, Dawn looks on disapprovingly, and David yells, "Tickle him! Tickle him!" and jumps up and down like the 5-year-old boy he is.
They walk out and Finchy proudly shows that he will use the shoelaces to tie the shoes with. "I knew it! Typical! That'll work!" yells an excited David. Tim is not amused at all, and neither is Dawn, but it's too late to stop it now, as everyone else is so drunk. Ricky asks how they will know if it goes over, and David tells Sheila to go to the other side of the house. Sheila, always eager to do as she's told, immediately runs to the other side. Dawn would have said no. The camera pans on Tim looking really sad and tired of his life. Lee puts his hand on his shoulder as if to make him feel better, but he's obviously really amused. Finchy flings the shoes around by the laces as David counts: "two.. and three.. and four.." as if he needs a backwards countdown. Finchy throws the shoes and they go over the roof easily. "Oh yes! Looking good!" Finchy says and lifts his arms in victory. He's so sad, but I still hate him. Tim looks sad, tired, and unshaven. They yell out to Sheila, "Did it go over?" "Yeah, it came right past me!" yells Sheila's disembodied voice. Dawn looks incredulous, while others are cheering. Gareth claps his hands, looking excited. That's why he's the quiz master: he will accept this as victory, just because it's like the territorial army.
The Drunken Idiots engage in some extremely childish cheering and telling off the other team. "Screeew Blockbusters!" screams Finchy. "You're shit, you're shit, you're shit," repeats David, who's doing the victory dance. Then he starts babbling about how he's "the Boss, like Bruce Springsteen. Slough branch!" Awesome. I wonder if The Boss has a Swindon branch, as well. As David sings some Springsteen riffs while making weird gestures from his crotch to the sky. He's really drunk. He always makes a fool of himself, but when he's drunk, it's just a bigger than usual fool. Finchy lectures to Ricky about "respecting his elders". To Ricky's credit, he simply looks amused. Gareth, looking at Finchy with adoring eyes, gives him Tim's HatFM: "Throw this!" Tim takes it back, in case it might break. Some birthday. David and Finchy run inside to celebrate their "victory". Others follow them. Tim is left standing outside, looking sad and tired. Dawn walks up to him and tries to offer help in getting his shoes back, but Lee tells her they're going, and Dawn follows like she's his dog. I love Dawn in all other scenes, but when she's with Lee, she just turns into this doormat who has to do everything her lord and master tells her.
The theme song starts playing over the last scene, for the only time during the series. Tim sadly walks to get his shoes, which everyone else has already forgotten. Before he gets to the other side, however, Gareth runs up and tries to kick the Large Inflatable Cock over the pub. It falls back, and Tim gives Gareth a long look. After glancing at the camera, Gareth gleefully runs back inside. That was classic. Some great acting from Mackenzie Crook in this episode. Tim is left finding his shoes and the credits roll, with the second verse playing over them. The last visual is of the Large Inflatable Cock, and I wonder if it isn't a nod at David and Finchy's macho bullshit. Probably is.
This is an awesome episode, one of the best ever. I must admit I felt depressed after seeing it for the first time, because I felt sorry for Tim, and the episode is really sad in tone. I think I just took it too seriously - in reality, it's a hilarious episode where the characters are all sad, but the sadder ones are definitely David and Finchy. After all, Tim might be ignored by his colleagues and unable to pursue the woman he loves, but he still might make it later on. David and Finchy are too old to go back to university and no woman wants to go near them. They're the ones who are really stuck, and they're so in denial they're not even seeing it. Nothing points that out more subtly than this episode. And the saddest of all? Gareth, who is so much younger and is already like them. Finchy was just desperate - on some level, he knew throwing the kettle over the pub doesn't make him the bigger man. But Gareth really thinks it does. To him, Wernham Hogg and the territorial army are the whole universe. In ten years, he'll be doing David's job. You know, thinking about it, it really is a sad episode. Because lots of people live that life.
Ricky and Finchy get up on stage. Gareth says, "The first person to shout out the correct answer wins." The final question is: "What Shakespeare play features a character called Caliban?" Easy for anyone who has, say, taken a course in Shakespeare at the uni. Chris "One Book a Week" Finch promptly replies: "Macbeth". David says, "Yes," because he knows as little about Shakespeare as Finch does. Gareth says, "No. Ricky?" David's face falls and he assumes a drunkenly surprised pose, which is spot on. I am in awe of Gervais. Acting drunk convincingly can be very difficult. But Finchy isn't done yet, as he, ever the logical thinker, starts listing all Shakespeare plays he's ever heard of: "Midsummer Night's Dream, Hamlet..." Gareth forgets about his own rules and says, "You had your go." Finchy starts desperately repeating that Gareth said the first person to shout out the right answer would win. He continues this even after Ricky says the correct answer: "The Tempest". Would he have come up with that, had he gotten the chance to list Shakespeare plays all night? Maybe, maybe not. It's not one of the best-known Shakespeare plays, and literature is obviously not his strong suit. Nor culture of any kind. Ricky is as triumphant as you might think after all the provocation from Finch, and he leaves the stage shouting, "That's Blockbusters!" Gareth gives him a bottle of champagne and tries to announce the winners, but Finchy's bitterness over the issue isn't over. Gareth keeps smiling and looking at the winners, not making eye contact with Finchy, because he doesn't have enough leadership skills to calmly tell an angry person to return to his seat. Ricky and Tim wave and people cheer at them. The camera pans on David, who's doing his best to not look too disappointed on camera. He stares ahead blankly and rubs his chin. Back at the table, Finchy looks at David despisingly, obviously pinning it all on him. David looks flustered and embarrassed. Poor David. Finchy is an asshole, but David's just sad.
At the pub counter, The Poor Losers walk up and Ricky teases Finchy: "Was it Hamlet, Machbet or Lear..?" Finchy tells him next time he thinks of the questions "and you can have this fat bastard." That's damn cold. "Banter," says David, trying to play it off, but Finchy shows his truly ugly side. He says it's not banter, and asks David to tell people what he answered to the question: "Which Cuban leader has been in power since the revolution in 1959?" David looks duly embarrassed, but when Finchy insists he admits his reply was Fray Bentos. Someone - Ricky? - laughs immaturely off-camera. Finchy cruelly tells David he's a waste of space and the reason the company's doing badly. I hate him. I mean, this episode shows what a sad man with a sad life he really is, and how he's really a lot like David. But David doesn't purposely humiliate his so-called best friend in front of his employees. I'm gonna quote David from the Christmas special: "Chris? Why don't you fuck off." In this episode, David just looks sad, and I feel like I should hate him for being an enabler to Finchy's shitty behaviour, but I feel too sorry for him. He has a really low self-esteem and hanging out with Finchy makes him feel like he's worth something, if only through association with someone "cool". And as always, when people choose friends on that basis, he's chosen someone utterly lame and mean for it.
Dawn shows her humanity by sticking up for David: "Don't get at him just cause they beat you." She shouldn't have said that last part though, as Finchy's testosterone level immediately seems to go up and he says he could list 50 things he's better at. "Like what?" says Dawn. Finchy takes this as a sign that he needs to show he's The Man, and his drunken brain comes up with "Throwing". Dawn laughs, so he starts telling this inane story about how he once threw a copper kettle over a pub in Chichester. David stands next to him nodding, obviously proud of his "friend" who just humiliated him. David's eyes go up and down when Finchy motions how he put his tie around the kettle and it went over the pub, complete with sound effects. Gareth the idiot ASKS if it went over. Finchy shows the same motion again. "Obviously," says Gareth, as if he knew all along. He gets excited and starts explaining how that's an official territorial army method, even if he wouldn't use a tie. "Right. Would you use a kettle?" asks Dawn and bursts into laughter again as Gareth says he'd use an "equivalent", like a coconut. It's cute how Dawn is also obviously drunk in this scene, and she's just winding up Gareth again without him noticing.
Finchy grabs onto his last desperate chance at winning the quiz: he will throw anything the others choose over the pub, and if he succeeds, he won the quiz. "New challenge! Double or quit!" says David. That's not double or quit. That's just "stupid and/or desperate". Then he says "That was the real quiz" several times. This is ridiculous. Ricky agrees with me, as he says, "You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?" I admire him for telling his boss that to his face. Gareth defends them by saying, "He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you done?" Awesome. Finchy and David keep insisting that they should settle the quiz in this way. Ricky says, "Gareth! Throw Gareth." Gareth makes a face at him. Actually, I'd love it if they tried that. He probably weighs about as much as a copper kettle anyway. Somebody starts teasing Tim, as he's "the birthday boy", and they decide to throw his shoes, apparently forcing them off him. The scene gets very realistically chaotic, as no one remembers the camera anymore. They force Tim on the floor, Dawn looks on disapprovingly, and David yells, "Tickle him! Tickle him!" and jumps up and down like the 5-year-old boy he is.
They walk out and Finchy proudly shows that he will use the shoelaces to tie the shoes with. "I knew it! Typical! That'll work!" yells an excited David. Tim is not amused at all, and neither is Dawn, but it's too late to stop it now, as everyone else is so drunk. Ricky asks how they will know if it goes over, and David tells Sheila to go to the other side of the house. Sheila, always eager to do as she's told, immediately runs to the other side. Dawn would have said no. The camera pans on Tim looking really sad and tired of his life. Lee puts his hand on his shoulder as if to make him feel better, but he's obviously really amused. Finchy flings the shoes around by the laces as David counts: "two.. and three.. and four.." as if he needs a backwards countdown. Finchy throws the shoes and they go over the roof easily. "Oh yes! Looking good!" Finchy says and lifts his arms in victory. He's so sad, but I still hate him. Tim looks sad, tired, and unshaven. They yell out to Sheila, "Did it go over?" "Yeah, it came right past me!" yells Sheila's disembodied voice. Dawn looks incredulous, while others are cheering. Gareth claps his hands, looking excited. That's why he's the quiz master: he will accept this as victory, just because it's like the territorial army.
The Drunken Idiots engage in some extremely childish cheering and telling off the other team. "Screeew Blockbusters!" screams Finchy. "You're shit, you're shit, you're shit," repeats David, who's doing the victory dance. Then he starts babbling about how he's "the Boss, like Bruce Springsteen. Slough branch!" Awesome. I wonder if The Boss has a Swindon branch, as well. As David sings some Springsteen riffs while making weird gestures from his crotch to the sky. He's really drunk. He always makes a fool of himself, but when he's drunk, it's just a bigger than usual fool. Finchy lectures to Ricky about "respecting his elders". To Ricky's credit, he simply looks amused. Gareth, looking at Finchy with adoring eyes, gives him Tim's HatFM: "Throw this!" Tim takes it back, in case it might break. Some birthday. David and Finchy run inside to celebrate their "victory". Others follow them. Tim is left standing outside, looking sad and tired. Dawn walks up to him and tries to offer help in getting his shoes back, but Lee tells her they're going, and Dawn follows like she's his dog. I love Dawn in all other scenes, but when she's with Lee, she just turns into this doormat who has to do everything her lord and master tells her.
The theme song starts playing over the last scene, for the only time during the series. Tim sadly walks to get his shoes, which everyone else has already forgotten. Before he gets to the other side, however, Gareth runs up and tries to kick the Large Inflatable Cock over the pub. It falls back, and Tim gives Gareth a long look. After glancing at the camera, Gareth gleefully runs back inside. That was classic. Some great acting from Mackenzie Crook in this episode. Tim is left finding his shoes and the credits roll, with the second verse playing over them. The last visual is of the Large Inflatable Cock, and I wonder if it isn't a nod at David and Finchy's macho bullshit. Probably is.
This is an awesome episode, one of the best ever. I must admit I felt depressed after seeing it for the first time, because I felt sorry for Tim, and the episode is really sad in tone. I think I just took it too seriously - in reality, it's a hilarious episode where the characters are all sad, but the sadder ones are definitely David and Finchy. After all, Tim might be ignored by his colleagues and unable to pursue the woman he loves, but he still might make it later on. David and Finchy are too old to go back to university and no woman wants to go near them. They're the ones who are really stuck, and they're so in denial they're not even seeing it. Nothing points that out more subtly than this episode. And the saddest of all? Gareth, who is so much younger and is already like them. Finchy was just desperate - on some level, he knew throwing the kettle over the pub doesn't make him the bigger man. But Gareth really thinks it does. To him, Wernham Hogg and the territorial army are the whole universe. In ten years, he'll be doing David's job. You know, thinking about it, it really is a sad episode. Because lots of people live that life.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Season 1, Episode 3, Part 4: "The Quiz"
And finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. Well, the moment David and Finchy have been waiting for: the quiz is beginning. We're at a pub. Gareth is standing on stage and in the fine tradition of all amateur performers, shouting into the microphone, which responds by giving some loud noises. Talk in your normal voice, Gareth. He doesn't get it, so he just puts the microphone quite far from his mouth. He introduces David and Finchy's team, "The Dead Parrots". They do a short and very poor imitation of Monty Python's Parrot Sketch, which is surely imitated by many amateur comedians in pubs all the time. David always does the same high-pitched mock voice when he tries to imitate someone. Someone should tell him. Oh, wait, they can't - they'd be fired. "Monty Python," says Gareth and laughs awkwardly. Apart from David and Finchy, no one else does. And really, I bet they do that same bit of the sketch every year.
Gareth starts to ask the first question, but Dawn interrupts him, "David!" David gets up and says, "Oh yeah," like it's a big chore. He tells everyone it's Tim's birthday "and he's 30 years young". Original AND funny, I bloody hate him. Tim gets a round of applause and David puts his hand on his shoulder for a moment. "What better way to celebrate than a battle of wits, so..." he says and sits down to start with the quiz. Yeah, the quiz is all about Tim and his birthday. "Speech!" yells Dawn from the back, and Tim gets up to make a speech, but Gareth starts asking the first question, so he just sits down instead. Aww, poor Tim. Too bad his birthday was on quiz night, or he might have gotten a little bit of David's attention. The first question is a military one. Why am I not surprised? It's an insanely difficult one: "In the mid-1960's, US Army replaced all existing infantry guns with M-16 rifles and which [blabla technical talk about weapons]?" Finchy writes something down immediately, but Tim is dumbfounded. "You what?" he says. "Just write down the answer if you know it," says Gareth. Yeah, standard quiz question there. Very Gareth.
David interview. He mentions once again that they have been champions for six years now, and then tells us that they nearly lost it two years ago, "unjustly". Oo, that must have been tragic. "Gareth was quiz master then", he mentions pretty redundantly, because I bet Gareth has been quiz master as long as he's been in the firm. And that might just be his whole working life. The problematic question was "what race is Mr Spock?" I hear even nerds fight about this particular one, so it doesn't seem like a "right or wrong answer" type question to me. "Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect," says David. His eyes get a bit wider and he looks quite fanatic. "Mr Spock is HALF Vulcan, half HUMAN. OK?" Whatever you say, David. You're my authority when it comes to Star Trek. And business skills. And really, any topic in life. You're just so full of wisdom. He continues that Gareth wanted to give everyone a point, and that apparently still upsets him: "No, everyone does not get one point. 'Carpet munchers' don't get a point, 'Dr Wankenstein' doesn't get a point, 'Stephen Hawkin's football boots' don't get a point." Carpet munchers?!! David tells us he went home to get a BOOK to prove it. Seriously. He doesn't realize how pathetic and desperate that makes him look. "Everyone went, yeah yeah you were right, you won, sorry." Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what they said. "No apologies necessary. Let's just go on with the quiz." Smug look at the camera again, grin. "But remember..le..learn." I love how he slurs it, and also the whole point which is so... pointless. Classic David.
Back at the quiz, the second question deals with a Paul Hardcastle song that deals with - you guessed it - war. Tim asks Gareth if all the questions will be about the war. Gareth gets defensive: "No! There's one on tennis, one on the Suez canal... Loads..." Yeah, such different topics. He launches straight into question three: "Which canal connects the Mediterranean and the Red Sea?" He looks around in an insecure way, but I doub he realizes the blunder he just made. At least everyone will justly get a point for that one.
Gareth interviews that he doesn't want to get into the Spock incident again. He sums it up in his usual formal way: "Questions were asked, certain parties were unhappy... The questions were solved, end of discussion." And even if he just said he won't comment on it again, he tells us what he said at the time: "Look at his ears." A very Gareth comment. It's a hilariously petty issue to fight about.
In another very petty fight, and increasingly drunken David Brent is laughing at Ricky because he confused Nick Kershaw and Howard Jones. David and Finch try to explain which one Nick Kershaw is, but they're both so drunk it just turns into slurring and weird gestures. They act totally superior, maybe because this is the only topic they can really rub in Ricky's face. Ricky points out that this is old entertainment, 60's and 70's. Finchy doesn't accept that 30 years old is old, which is the first sign of aging. They raise voices and Tim tries to shush them down, but Ricky wants to prove himself to the others and asks them which insect produces gossamer. He says "Finchy" with the sarcasm it deserves. Finchy can't think of it, and Ricky smugly tells them it's the spider. Finchy points out that spiders are arachnids, not insects, because they have have eight legs instead of six, a fact that David repeats several times, laughing at Ricky as if he knew it himself. I think they should have known it from "gossamer", but of course Finch acts totally superior and tells Ricky to have another few semesters in "the university of life". I think he could stand to take a few semester in the high school of life himself. He still acts 15. Tim bursts out laughing, and David seems to think he's laughing at Ricky, but he's probably just laughing at "it's my birthday and I have to listen to this". A bit dejected, Ricky takes a swig of his beer, but he's not defeated yet: "We'll see when this is over". And at this point, I think most viewers really want The Dead Parrots to lose.
David interviews some more about the Spock question, trying to prove it's so important. As usual, he does it through a poorly chosen metaphor: if you took an Alsatian/Labrador mix to "Crafts", which I guess is the biggest British dog show, you couldn't show the dog either in the Labrador or Alsatian section, because it's neither. "Now get that dog out of my sight. Thanks, I will. You've proved my point," he continues, which cracks me up, because he just lives so vividly in these absurd metaphors. "And that's Crafts.. alright?" he tells the camera with his signature smug expression. Yeah, a fictional dog show really proves that you should win the office quiz. Every year. He says that last line slowly and smugly, as if to get the point through to even the dumbest viewers. I love how Gervais plays it so subtly.
The next question is easy for the young folks: "Who had a hit single with Don't Speak?" Ricky is triumphant, while The Braindead Parrots aren't sure if it's No Doubt, 4 Non Blondes, or Hootie and the Blowfish. How can you confuse No Doubt and Hootie and the Blowfish?! I wish Ricky pointed that out to them, but he doesn't. Well, that's what I'm here for. Tim says something about "east... east side...", which I hope has to do with another question, because it definitely has nothing to do with No Doubt. Dawn tries to get his attention by throwing a pen at him. Sometimes their flirtation is so fifth grade. Dawn looks cute with her braids. Back at the Poor Monty Python Imitations table, Finchy is blaming David for "poisoning" his thinking process with 4 Non Blondes. Listen Finchy, if you know you know, and if you don't it's not David's fault. David feebly says both groups are good. "Don't guess, think logically," says Finchy. It's not about logic, though, it's about memory. People are apt to remember the songs of their youth better than the stuff that came out when they were in their 30's. "No logic to music, it's art," says David. Hee! David drinks more beer, which is bound to make him think more logically.
Finchy rubs his brow and Tim asks him if it's the first time they lose. Finchy replies that the right questions aren't coming. Ricky points out that a quiz should be random. Finchy says it's "randomly awful" - which has all the maturity of "I'm losing! This game is STUPID!" - and that next year he will think of the questions. There's competitive and then there's compulsive. Finchy wants to prove he can think of a question offhand: "Choose a topic." Ricky chooses sport, which doesn't explain why Finchy asks him for the capital of Iceland. Ricky promptly gives the right answer, of course. "Is that still a sport?" Tim quips. Gotta love Tim. Finchy asks him about the capital of Borneo, but Tim couldn't care less who wins the quiz, and gotta love him even more for that. "Don't have one. See? That was random," says Finchy. How was that random? Ricky argues that it wasn't, while David takes a call and leaves the table.
The camera follows David as he talks on the phone to a doctor, who apparently takes care of his Dad. "He's asked about me?" David says and lies he's "snowed in at work." He tells them to give his Dad sleeping pills. Before hanging up, he asks the doctor if he knows who sang "In the Summertime." "Mungo Jerry! Cheers!" After abandoning his sick Dad and cheating in the quiz, David "Got up at 3 am to Convince my Dad There Wasn't a Sniper on his Roof" Brent returns to The Poor Losers table. Our hero.
Gareth starts to ask the first question, but Dawn interrupts him, "David!" David gets up and says, "Oh yeah," like it's a big chore. He tells everyone it's Tim's birthday "and he's 30 years young". Original AND funny, I bloody hate him. Tim gets a round of applause and David puts his hand on his shoulder for a moment. "What better way to celebrate than a battle of wits, so..." he says and sits down to start with the quiz. Yeah, the quiz is all about Tim and his birthday. "Speech!" yells Dawn from the back, and Tim gets up to make a speech, but Gareth starts asking the first question, so he just sits down instead. Aww, poor Tim. Too bad his birthday was on quiz night, or he might have gotten a little bit of David's attention. The first question is a military one. Why am I not surprised? It's an insanely difficult one: "In the mid-1960's, US Army replaced all existing infantry guns with M-16 rifles and which [blabla technical talk about weapons]?" Finchy writes something down immediately, but Tim is dumbfounded. "You what?" he says. "Just write down the answer if you know it," says Gareth. Yeah, standard quiz question there. Very Gareth.
David interview. He mentions once again that they have been champions for six years now, and then tells us that they nearly lost it two years ago, "unjustly". Oo, that must have been tragic. "Gareth was quiz master then", he mentions pretty redundantly, because I bet Gareth has been quiz master as long as he's been in the firm. And that might just be his whole working life. The problematic question was "what race is Mr Spock?" I hear even nerds fight about this particular one, so it doesn't seem like a "right or wrong answer" type question to me. "Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect," says David. His eyes get a bit wider and he looks quite fanatic. "Mr Spock is HALF Vulcan, half HUMAN. OK?" Whatever you say, David. You're my authority when it comes to Star Trek. And business skills. And really, any topic in life. You're just so full of wisdom. He continues that Gareth wanted to give everyone a point, and that apparently still upsets him: "No, everyone does not get one point. 'Carpet munchers' don't get a point, 'Dr Wankenstein' doesn't get a point, 'Stephen Hawkin's football boots' don't get a point." Carpet munchers?!! David tells us he went home to get a BOOK to prove it. Seriously. He doesn't realize how pathetic and desperate that makes him look. "Everyone went, yeah yeah you were right, you won, sorry." Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what they said. "No apologies necessary. Let's just go on with the quiz." Smug look at the camera again, grin. "But remember..le..learn." I love how he slurs it, and also the whole point which is so... pointless. Classic David.
Back at the quiz, the second question deals with a Paul Hardcastle song that deals with - you guessed it - war. Tim asks Gareth if all the questions will be about the war. Gareth gets defensive: "No! There's one on tennis, one on the Suez canal... Loads..." Yeah, such different topics. He launches straight into question three: "Which canal connects the Mediterranean and the Red Sea?" He looks around in an insecure way, but I doub he realizes the blunder he just made. At least everyone will justly get a point for that one.
Gareth interviews that he doesn't want to get into the Spock incident again. He sums it up in his usual formal way: "Questions were asked, certain parties were unhappy... The questions were solved, end of discussion." And even if he just said he won't comment on it again, he tells us what he said at the time: "Look at his ears." A very Gareth comment. It's a hilariously petty issue to fight about.
In another very petty fight, and increasingly drunken David Brent is laughing at Ricky because he confused Nick Kershaw and Howard Jones. David and Finch try to explain which one Nick Kershaw is, but they're both so drunk it just turns into slurring and weird gestures. They act totally superior, maybe because this is the only topic they can really rub in Ricky's face. Ricky points out that this is old entertainment, 60's and 70's. Finchy doesn't accept that 30 years old is old, which is the first sign of aging. They raise voices and Tim tries to shush them down, but Ricky wants to prove himself to the others and asks them which insect produces gossamer. He says "Finchy" with the sarcasm it deserves. Finchy can't think of it, and Ricky smugly tells them it's the spider. Finchy points out that spiders are arachnids, not insects, because they have have eight legs instead of six, a fact that David repeats several times, laughing at Ricky as if he knew it himself. I think they should have known it from "gossamer", but of course Finch acts totally superior and tells Ricky to have another few semesters in "the university of life". I think he could stand to take a few semester in the high school of life himself. He still acts 15. Tim bursts out laughing, and David seems to think he's laughing at Ricky, but he's probably just laughing at "it's my birthday and I have to listen to this". A bit dejected, Ricky takes a swig of his beer, but he's not defeated yet: "We'll see when this is over". And at this point, I think most viewers really want The Dead Parrots to lose.
David interviews some more about the Spock question, trying to prove it's so important. As usual, he does it through a poorly chosen metaphor: if you took an Alsatian/Labrador mix to "Crafts", which I guess is the biggest British dog show, you couldn't show the dog either in the Labrador or Alsatian section, because it's neither. "Now get that dog out of my sight. Thanks, I will. You've proved my point," he continues, which cracks me up, because he just lives so vividly in these absurd metaphors. "And that's Crafts.. alright?" he tells the camera with his signature smug expression. Yeah, a fictional dog show really proves that you should win the office quiz. Every year. He says that last line slowly and smugly, as if to get the point through to even the dumbest viewers. I love how Gervais plays it so subtly.
The next question is easy for the young folks: "Who had a hit single with Don't Speak?" Ricky is triumphant, while The Braindead Parrots aren't sure if it's No Doubt, 4 Non Blondes, or Hootie and the Blowfish. How can you confuse No Doubt and Hootie and the Blowfish?! I wish Ricky pointed that out to them, but he doesn't. Well, that's what I'm here for. Tim says something about "east... east side...", which I hope has to do with another question, because it definitely has nothing to do with No Doubt. Dawn tries to get his attention by throwing a pen at him. Sometimes their flirtation is so fifth grade. Dawn looks cute with her braids. Back at the Poor Monty Python Imitations table, Finchy is blaming David for "poisoning" his thinking process with 4 Non Blondes. Listen Finchy, if you know you know, and if you don't it's not David's fault. David feebly says both groups are good. "Don't guess, think logically," says Finchy. It's not about logic, though, it's about memory. People are apt to remember the songs of their youth better than the stuff that came out when they were in their 30's. "No logic to music, it's art," says David. Hee! David drinks more beer, which is bound to make him think more logically.
Finchy rubs his brow and Tim asks him if it's the first time they lose. Finchy replies that the right questions aren't coming. Ricky points out that a quiz should be random. Finchy says it's "randomly awful" - which has all the maturity of "I'm losing! This game is STUPID!" - and that next year he will think of the questions. There's competitive and then there's compulsive. Finchy wants to prove he can think of a question offhand: "Choose a topic." Ricky chooses sport, which doesn't explain why Finchy asks him for the capital of Iceland. Ricky promptly gives the right answer, of course. "Is that still a sport?" Tim quips. Gotta love Tim. Finchy asks him about the capital of Borneo, but Tim couldn't care less who wins the quiz, and gotta love him even more for that. "Don't have one. See? That was random," says Finchy. How was that random? Ricky argues that it wasn't, while David takes a call and leaves the table.
The camera follows David as he talks on the phone to a doctor, who apparently takes care of his Dad. "He's asked about me?" David says and lies he's "snowed in at work." He tells them to give his Dad sleeping pills. Before hanging up, he asks the doctor if he knows who sang "In the Summertime." "Mungo Jerry! Cheers!" After abandoning his sick Dad and cheating in the quiz, David "Got up at 3 am to Convince my Dad There Wasn't a Sniper on his Roof" Brent returns to The Poor Losers table. Our hero.
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