Season 1, Episode 5, Part 3: "Health and Safety"

This part is only 3 minutes long, while the previous chapter was 8 minutes. I actually think the next two chapters could have been one, but that would mess up my delicate system, so this will just be a shorter post.

Gareth stands next to a bulletin board where he's written "Health + Safety Training with Gareth Keenan". Brilliant. Especially since Donna is the only participant. Gareth, rather redundantly, introduces himself. He actually reads out every word on the board and points at them with his marker. "That's me," he says and chuckles a bit when he comes to "Gareth Keenan". Donna looks at him with her arms crossed, her eyes full of contempt. Gareth tells Donna that "there are many hidden dangers in the workplace, and we're going to find out what those dangers are together." Right, because Donna probably has no idea whatsoever about those dangers. I didn't see Gareth give Ricky this same training when he started working at Wernham Hogg.

Gareth shows an empty mug and tells her to imagine it's full of hot coffee - "It's not, OK? Because that would be dangerous even in a training situation." Donna looks at him with an expression that shows not only contempt, but pity, because he's obviously so inane. It cracks me up. The facial expressions on this show speak volumes. He says they will play a fun game he devised, because he wants to have fun "while teaching people" - surely he does that a LOT - and he also likes to "have a laugh - in and out of work. The fact is, a few of us are going out tonight..." Donna senses a long boring story coming up and says, "Shall we crack on?" Gareth shuts up, looking a bit embarrassed, but tries to play it off, of course: "Good. Keen. Excellent." He has that David-esque one-word-sentence style sometimes. I shouldn't be surprised, though, since he's meant to be like a younger version of David.

Gareth's little game is as follows: he will put the mug in a place "where someone might put a mug" and Donna has to yell out "safe" or "dangerous". Wow, that's a barrel of laughs. I bet they'll be reminiscing this ten years from now and talking about how fun they had - on the day they fell in love. Or at least that's what Gareth is expecting to happen. "Think you can manage that?" says Gareth and chuckles again, as if he's talking to a 5-year-old. Man, that is so not the way to hit on a girl. Donna looks at him again with the same mix of pity and contempt as before, and it's still funny. She gives the camera a side glance. Gareth places the mug on the computer monitor, which is really realistic. I know so many people who keep their mugs there. In fact, I have a mug of steaming hot coffee on my uneven monitor top right now. I'm so glad Gareth taught me this is dangerous. Donna immediately says, "Dangerous."

Gareth stays fixed in his position and clearly has to think a bit. Did he expect it to take longer for Donna to come up with the right answer? He hasn't put very much thought into this "fun game" of his. Donna stares at him as he tries to think. Then he slides the mug onto the other edge of the monitor. Wow, so different. Gareth looks at Donna and lifts his eyebrows as if this is a completely new issue. "Dangerous," says Donna again. "So what have we learned now?" asks Gareth. If you're gonna have a fun game, think a bit ahead instead of making it up on the spot? Learn to read a woman's body language when she clearly hates you? No? "Don't pour coffee over the computer?" says Donna in a voice that sounds pretty fed up with the whole "health and safety training". "Any fluids," says Gareth, as if Donna thought it was specifically coffee.

Tim drops a letter on Dawn's desk. "It's first class," he says. "You doing alright?" asks Dawn and he stops to talk to her a bit, but they're still awkward around each other. "Having a good morning or a bad morning?" says Dawn. How is it morning? I thought Gareth's "seminar" was at 2 pm. "Bit of... hah! Oh god... bit of a mad morning," says Tim, stretching while he talks, because he feels uncomfortable. He tries the old jovial tone, but it doesn't seem really natural. They both inhale deeply, trying to think of something to say, but then Tim just says: "See you later." Dawn looks after Tim piningly. Dawn, walk up to him and kiss him and get it overwith. You know you want to.

Gareth tells Donna how to lift stuff. How does this even relate to Donna's work? She sits at a desk. The fluid thing at least had SOMETHING to do with what she does. Plus everyone knows this stuff. Somehow I suspect that this is the first health and safety seminar ever, and also the last one. It's fairly obvious what he's doing here, and Donna's not falling for it, yet she has to stand there and listen because it's at least somehow work-related. Gareth tells her the two things she should remember: "keep your back straight and..." "And bend your knees," interjects Donna. Gareth pretends he didn't hear that: "Keep your back straight and BEND YOUR KNEES." Yeah, I think she got it, Gareth. He shows the correct and incorrect way to lift with a huge, empty box. Then he asks if Donna wants to try it. "I'm fine," says Donna. Gareth tells her he has to check the box, so he needs to see her try it. Donna's box is, of course, tiny. Because women are so fragile and weak, and the size of a man's box is in direct correlation with his physical attributes. They do it together a few times. I mean the box lifting, not the thing Gareth is planning to do with her later. Gareth, boring a girl to tears while treating her like a child is NOT the way to get her interested.

Tim is in the tiny office kitchen getting some tea. He looks in Dawn's direction. Dawn is scribbling something with a marker and looking kind of pained. Tim looks sad. Yeah, here we have a couple that actually care about each other but can't act on it, while Gareth is just being oblivious and wasting Donna's time. It still doesn't justify the "pining for each other = romantic" formula that has been used in nearly all sitcoms I know. Rachel and Ross come to mind. That's not a good thing.

Back in the meeting room, Gareth is getting a little too excited about his own exercise, because he's having her do it again and again. "One more time - nice straight back, nice straight back, that's it!" You're not her coach! I wonder if he's doing it just to get a sneak peek inside her shirt when she bends over. Donna looks at the camera like she thinks it's really childish. It's a brilliant little look of amusement that mocks Gareth. It's like winking at the viewers: "We all know what he's doing, don't we?" Gareth asks if she knows how to do it now. "I can practice it at home," says Donna. Her body language speaks of discomfort as she has her arms crossed, looks at the floor, and flinches when Gareth swings his arm her way.

Gareth says if she wants to "talk about anything at all, just come in..." Suddenly he starts talking in a quieter voice: "I know you've um... I know you slept with a gentleman..." Gentleman? Hee. Gareth wouldn't know a gentleman if one hit him in the face. Actually, I can really imagine that happening sometime. Donna quickly makes her escape: "Are we done then?" and starts to walk away. "You made a mistake, that's fine," says Gareth. That is just so wrong on so many levels. For one thing, butt out, she's not your girlfriend. Secondly, how noble of you to forgive her for sleeping with someone else when you're not even together, and calling it a "mistake". "I haven't made a mistake," says Donna. Gareth makes it even worse, if possible: "I was just wondering, are you gonna be sleeping with him again or ... spreading it.. around..." Spreading what around? This is one of the grossest Gareth moments ever, and yet I can't really hate him. He's just so sad and pathetic.

As Donna leaves, Gareth remembers the camera and tries to pretend it was really all about health and safety. But he can barely face the camera and his voice falters. I feel sorry for him all of a sudden, even if he acted just as gross as David did with Karen. Gareth babbles: "Good... Yeah. Excellent pupil, fast learner. She won't be... spilling any fluids... or lifting things incorrect. A, I will give her... A." He shows a form where he writes a big A. I bet he made it himself and printed it out to make it look more professional. I wonder if David knows about this seminar - actually, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. Would he have allowed it? Gareth and David have the same subtle way of approaching a lady, too, which explains why neither of them has a girlfriend. And end of a very short chapter.

Season 1, Episode 5, Part 2: "The Way Forward"

David interview. He says the "bosses" are panicking - and he makes quotation marks with his fingers, as if they're not really his bosses. They are your bosses, David. Try not to forget that. They'll be watching the documentary. He looks at the camera with a smile that says he's being funny, but he's not really. He's just misusing quotation marks. He continues that the bosses are going, "Cut back, lose staff, that will save us money. Will it, yeah?" he says and apparently tries to look like he's making the viewers think, but it looks more like he's pretending to be an owl, because his eyes bulge out weirdly when he does it. "Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run?" Well, if you already have enough employees and you need to cut back, it's pretty impossible to save money by paying wages to more people. "Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No, he turns up in a newer car. Perception." What does that have to do with anything? I doubt the salesman's firm affords him a more expensive car for "perception" purposes. The Wernham Hogg finances are none of my business, but if I were Jennifer, I'd tell David to buy pussy with his own money. From an actual hooker who will actually put out.

David says that the employees have to trust him. He shows he's been spending too much time with Gareth: "I'm taking them into battle, and I'm doing me own stapling. A sergeant major spends all his time training his men to be killers, he doesnt' polish his own boots." That's a really bad example. For one thing, David's pretending to be soo busy, yet we never see him doing any actual work. For another, he can't save the employees from downsizing, and if he still thinks he can, he's cheating himself. I love how he basically just admitted that he is lazy. How long does it take to staple a few papers together? Would the employees really trust him less if he did his own job? The third very obvious problem with his example is so obvious he even gets it himself: "He probably does polish his own boots... but... you know... it doesn't mean.. It doesn't mean I have to do my own filing!" He says that last part louder, as if he's just getting fed up with having to justify his decision to hire a secretary. But really, in the army, the leaders put their own life on the line as well, plus they take care of their own equipment. And when you think about it, a corporate boss is the opposite of that.

Dawn walks into David's office and opens the door as he's moving a chair closer to his desk. Obviously he's preparing for the interview of a lifetime. Dawn asks him if he's ready to see Karen Roper. David says he is, and the camera follows Dawn as she walks to Karen, and then turns back to David who, oblivious of the camera behind the Venetian blinds, opens a GQ magazine and rubs his wrists and neck on a perfume sample therein. That's got to be one of my favourite silent moments of the show. It's so vain and desperate. David? You're not 25. You're not handsome or witty or charming. You are middle-aged, fat and sexist, and your jokes suck. Karen will not fall madly in love with you just because you use perfume samples from a magazine. It's just so sad. David puts the magazine back on his desk and assumes a serious, pondering pose with his head resting on his right arm. He's quite the philosopher. Like Des'ree. Then he suddenly sprungs up from his chair, looks out the window with his arms behind his back, and looks at the empty chair, nodding approvingly if condescendingly. Hee, he's actually practicing cool poses. As Karen and Dawn walk up to his room, the camera pans behind them. They walk into the room and find David - sitting on his desk with one foot on the floor and the other dangling "carelessly" on the desk. He's got one arm near his crotch, the other bent far back on the desk, and his coat looks like a button might come off at any minute. And he has that gross grin on his face that he had on earlier when he stared at Karen. Run for your life, Karen. It's not too late.

"Hi," says David, whose grin would make anyone uneasy. "Let's get you sat down," he continues. "OK," says Karen and turns to the seats far away from him. "No," he says quickly, "I've got one over here...ready." He almost panicked when he thought she was going to sit on the sofa. He has to sit in his Big Chair and be the big man, so he can impress her. But they have to sit close. He's got this all figured out. Karen sits down, and David sits on his Big Chair - and rolls it a bit closer to Karen. Ehh. "The interview," he says and makes a square or something with his hands. He leans over to get a paper. "Karen Roper - Curriculum Vitae," he reads out loud, and as usual, his voice suggests there's something funny about either the words or the delivery, which... not really. He leans back, spreading his legs, perhaps imagining Karen on top of him already. Give her a few hours to settle in, David. The suit looks really small on him, and we debated with my girlfriend whether it's just really old and got small, or if David is too vain to buy his real size. The latter option seems more likely. Either way, it exposes a bit too much of his physique to an increasingly uneasy Karen. She tries to look away and sits in a very rigid position as David lays back and peruses her CV, as if he cares.

He asks Karen to tell him about herself. She starts with education, but David cuts her off: "Too boring. Tell me about yourSELF." He draws something in the air again, and it looks like a female body to me. Maybe he meant to draw... actually, I don't know. The gestures are probably just meant to keep him from jumping straight at her. David leans forward, which looks odd, but maybe he's doing it to hide his boner. Karen says she's into music and films, which is pretty generic. "Des'ree?" suggests David and points at the printout, probably ready to break into song at any moment. But Karen tells him she doesn't know Des'ree's stuff. David, still leaning forward with his head almost touching his knees, puts Karen's CV on the floor, which doesn't seem entirely logical. Then he springs back up and leans back, as Karen tells him she took a year off last year and "exploring..." "Exploring yourself?" offers David, who has now assumed his "philosopher" position. Karen seems a bit thrown aback, but continues: "..and Asia." Again, pretty generic. David asks if she went with her boyfriend, trying to make it sound casual. "No, I was alone," says Karen and looks down. "Good, by yourself," says David in a relieved tone. "Good. Getting what you can while you're young," he continues. Karen looks very uneasy now and even gets up and adjusts herself a bit. Her body language says: get me away from this seedy old man! She says in a shaky voice: "I ... don't know.. whether..." but David's busy making some kind of obscure hand gesture again. It's like a bird...or a plane... flying towards her. Oh, I see now: must be Superman. "You've charmed me," he says. Eww. "Got the job." He claims to have thought of his decision, yeah right. He adjusts his coat, which can't follow his constant position changes and has slid up his gut a bit. He keeps making nervous movements still, as he tries to be professional about the hiring, telling her they'll work out her notice and that she has a month's probation, "but it's just to see if we..." He does a little dance with his arms pointing at her. That is so inappropriate, once again. And really, if they don't hit it off, sex wise, he can always fire her. Gotta love that probation.

He asks her if she's going out tonight to celebrate. "Do you know the Chasers?" she asks. "Ah, I can't believe it," David says, undoes his coat buttons and plays with his tie. His body language completely relaxes at this point, and you can tell from his grin that he's thinking: "Score!" Dude, she just goes to the same bar, it's not a commitment to sleep with you. "If you see three debauched drunkards in the corner, keep away from us," he jokes. "No, come over, come over. The drinks will be on me... IN me," he continues and pats his gut. He plays with his tie again, and I pay attention to its horrid ornaments... what are those? Big flowers or something? Tacky. "What time you gonna cruise down there?" David asks as if they just made a date. Karen tries to backpedal: "It's not definite that we're coming down there..." He tells her to come down there as if she's just shy, "Definitely." David, YOU don't get to decide if it's definite! She has a right to steer clear from you outside of office hours.

"What's your tipple?" he asks. "Umm.. vodka and Coke?" says Karen with a little laughter in her voice, because seriously, why are they still talking about this? But David now thinks he needs to tell her not only his own favorite drink, but those of Finchy and Gareth as well: "Me lager... uhhh Finchy...lager... Gareth lager... sometimes cider, so... different drinks for different... needs." She doesn't even know who Gareth and Finchy are! And yeah, totally different. It's the same drink for all of them. And the same need: to get laid. And I love how long it takes for him to think of "lager". Seriously. Every guy I know drinks it. It's not that special. Karen gives a forced little laugh and looks at the floor, because David's still really spread out on his chair. He tells her, "Well done" and they shake hands, finally giving her the opportunity to leave. He tries to hold onto her hand a little too long, but she just leaves. I'd love if she just walked out of Wernham Hogg and never came back, but I guess she's desperate for the job. David looks after her with his lewd grin, putting his thumb against his teeth. He looks like a 16-year-old who thinks he's getting laid for the very first time. He tells the camera, "New secretary. Good. Efficient", as if he's incapable of full sentences when he's this turned on. He makes a hand gesture again and it seems to be a tree... or a straight line... I don't know. I probably wouldn't recognize his idea of "efficient" if I saw it expressed graphically, anyway. He does a little stretch forward on his chair and lets out a deep sigh. I don't want to think of why he feels like stretching forward, again. I suddenly feel dirty just looking at him.

Keith and Tim are sitting in the break room. Tim is leafing through a magazine, while Keith is just ... staring ahead. Brilliant. He doesn't look at Tim as he says: "So you resigned then?" Tim absent-mindedly says yes, he just needs to make it official. "Embarrassed yourself and all, asking Dawn out," says Keith as if that's a completely normal thing to say in a conversation. His tone is the exact same one as always, so it's hard to tell if he's trying to humiliate Tim or just making observations. He's awesome. Tim gets defensive and says he did it as a friend, but he ends up saying the word "friend" three times, which makes it sound like he doth protest too much. Keith says "Right, right," not because he's embarrassed for saying something so rude, but because he wants to avoid open confrontation. Silence falls between them. Keith breathes heavily and opens his mouth to say something, but then closes his mouth again. He probably lost his train of thought. If he ever had one.

Donna's desk. Gareth walks in and asks her how she's doing and if she's settling in alright. She doesn't respond. Gareth sits down on her desk and then jumps up, removing a stapler from where he was going to sit. "Who left that there," he says and laughs awkwardly. Um, probably someone who doesn't use desks for sitting on? it's only seedy little men trying to impress younger and more attractive women who sit on desks, it would seem. He tells Donna that there will be a "health and safety seminar" later on. He goes on to say that it's compulsory yet fun, and gives one of my favorite Gareth lines ever: "I like to inject my own sense of fun into the proceedings." That's so dry and humorless, it's hilarious. We already know his sense of humor, or lack thereof. Dude, if you have to tell people you're funny, you're not funny. Gareth says the seminar is two o'clock in the meeting room. Donna, who has been watching him in disgust, now turns to look at her co-worker's computer rather than looking at Gareth. Her hair is messy enough to suggest she had sex last night and didn't go home.

Keith and Tim again. Keith inhales deeply and exhales again. "Just looking at the brochure at the moment?" he says to Tim. It's a brochure? Ah, maybe he's looking at university brochures. "What did you watch on telly last night?" he continues almost instantly. "I didn't watch the telly, I watched a video," says Tim, and I love how they both seem to assume you have to watch something. "I watched that Peak Practice," says Keith. "Bloody repeat." He's staring into the distance and looking vacant as usual. "Annoying, innit?" says Tim politely. "Not for me, I hadn't seen it," replies Keith. Hee! Tim lifts his head from his brochure and looks into the distance for a moment, then resumes. Keith sighs deeply again. "Boring, isn't it? Just staying in and watching Peak Practice with your life." His voice assumes a hint of a tone, a little laughter. If I listened to Keith long enough, I could probably find a whole range of nuances. The many shades of dull. "Yeah," Tim says. "Not for me, I like it," says Keith undoing his own point again. Hee. "Yeah, I just stayed in and had a biiiig wank," says Tim as if that's completely normal. Awesome. He got tired of his work and all of his colleagues, including the clueless yet well-intentioned (?) Keith. He's giving him a taste of his own medicine. Keith bites on a Scotch egg, but suddenly stops chewing and stares at Tim. Even in his vacant head, that was a faux pas. Brilliant scene. And it's a really long scene, even if it lasts only for a minute or two. It's got many long silences. I love that about the Office. They're not afraid of putting a silence here and there. It doesn't have to be joke-joke-joke.

Karen is filling out a form at Dawn's desk and asks if more information is needed. Dawn says no, "He won't read it." Karen chuckles a bit. I can see them bonding over how horrible David is. And speak of the David, there he is, grinning again in the background. He stands there for a moment, and then - starts kicking a soccer ball. Seriously. Does he keep one in the office or has he brought it to work only because of Karen? Either way: lame. When Karen sees what he's doing, she ducks a bit. Yeah, it's not exactly safe, and David should realize it's the dumbest possible thing he could do to impress her. He mutters something about Brent passing the ball to Roper. "I bloody love football," he says as he kicks the ball to Dawn's desk. He rings the bell on the desk. "Lager - vodka and Coke," he says pointing at Karen. "Ah, the dreaded form," he continues. "Married or single? -That doesn't matter." David, you are stupid. You could just READ THE FORM. And maybe look in the mirror. Just because she doesn't have a husband or boyfriend, doesn't mean she'll sleep with you. "Bring your boyfriend tonight if you want to," he offers in a last desperate attempt to know if she has a boyfriend. Karen admits she doesn't. "Whatever," says David. Yeah, he totally doesn't care. Suddenly he accidentally head butts Karen. Dawn looks shocked and runs over to help Karen as David starts making sexist comments to take away the embarrassment: "Sorry. That is a man's game... Accidental. That's why they shouldn't get involved." Yeah, don't go to work, women, because there will be men playing soccer and you might get hurt. Karen says she can't see anything. She's crying from the pain. I know David didn't mean to do it, but man. Who told you to kick a ball around the office to impress a girl? you're not ten.

The photocopier is spewing out papers. A package of paper next to it says "Canon GENUINE". It might be product placement for Canon, and it might also be a clever way of inserting a little comment. If David were genuine and didn't try to impress others, he'd be much more likeable.

Tim's still in the break room - no use working when you know you will quit, right? - leafing through the brochure as Dawn walks in with a salad and a bottle of water. A very girly lunch. Tim and Dawn are completely awkward around each other now and they do a little nervous dance before Dawn sits down. She uncorks the water bottle, still feeling awkward, and then tells Tim they should go for the drink some night. "You, me and Lee, all three of us," says Tim. "I can probably get someone to come along." "In the next few weeks?" says Dawn. "Definitely," says Tim, rubbing his neck uneasily. "I'll just check..with Lee..." says Dawn, and silence falls again. They both look down, and the camera zooms out a bit so we can see the distance between them. They're sitting on opposite sides of the room, not looking at each other. It's a nice visual, but...

I'm gonna say again that I don't like this. I've never been a fan of unreleased sexual tension. Yes, Dawn and Tim are good together - so have them be together. Lee is a one-dimensional character who's only there to be Dawn's Neanderthal boyfriend, and he doesn't add anything to the show. Lose him, have Dawn and Tim be a couple and snog in the office and pick on Gareth together. Have them fight in the office and give separate interviews about how annoying the other one is. Have them get married. Because that's how it plays out in real life. If you want a realistic show, don't have people pining for each other for years on end. That's a cop-out. When I fell in love with my girlfriend, I told her, "I'm in love with you, do you feel the same?" She did, so we got together. It was that simple. And it was awesome. Of course, she wasn't seeing someone else, so maybe I'm being unfair.

Gareth walks into the room and for once, Tim is happy to see him. "Gareth!" he shouts out. "Garedio!" Hee, Garedio. "How are you, mate?" he says and holds out his arm for fist-pumping. Gareth looks at him suspiciously and checks if he has a buzzer under his arm or something. "Nothing," Tim shows him. "Good to see you, mate." Gareth looks confused. He looks at Tim, then at Dawn, as he sits down. He reminds me of my brother's cats. He has just that much intelligence. He can figure out that "Dawn+Tim=pranks", but he can't get much further than that. His lunch box contains an apple and another bag of cheese noodles. Does he eat anything else? It's cute, especially since he's so skinny. Suddenly Gareth realizes there may be unreleased sexual tension floating around in the room and says: "You weren't trying to get off with her, were you?" Hee. Cat brain. He's got the instinct, but he lacks the social intelligence to realize that
a) You do NOT say those things out loud - which makes him like Keith in the earlier scene. I never got that before, but that must be the allusion they're making.

b) If Tim were trying to get off with Dawn, he wouldn't do it in a room that anyone can walk into, with the Venetian blinds open, and SITTING ACROSS THE ROOM from her.

No one says anything anymore. Dawn looks exhausted, like she's thinking, "Will this day EVER end?" and Tim ruffles his hair uncomfortably. Gareth just looks at them both with his big eyes full of "Huh???"

Season 1, Episode 5, Part 1: "A Fresh Start"

Before I start, shout-out to Bismo. Glad to know someone's reading these recaps and enjoying them.

We cut straight from the credits to a Timterview, where he says he's not just thinking about leaving, he really is leaving. In retrospect, it's a bit sad to see these scenes, knowing he could have made something of himself and bailed out. I know it's realistic, but it's still a bit sad. The feeling of immobility in this show sometimes feels kinda suffocating to the viewer as well, which of course means that they got it right. Tim says he will "learn about something more than the price of Opti-Bright Laser Copy paper, you know." I love how they made these examples of paper brands. It sounds like a real type of paper, but how would I know? "298 a gram," Gareth shouts out. He's sitting on a sofa behind Tim eating a bag of cheese noodles. And he just has to interject with this unimportant piece of information that Tim just said he doesn't care about. "240 a gram, check the list," says Tim, and his smile to the camera tells us that he's only saying it to one-up Gareth. "Yeah, I thought you said something different," Gareth claims. Nice save. "What are you gonna study?" he asks, as if he cares. He's probably only saying it so Tim will forget about his blunder.

"Psychology," says Tim and gets serious. Gareth chuckles at this and asks why Tim wants to be a psychiatrist - "They're all mad themselves, aren't they?" I love how Gareth has embraced every stereotype he's heard as true knowledge. That's like the lowest form of social intelligence: being able to agree with everybody else on things you know nothing about. Tim says he wants to be a psychologist, but they're all the same to Gareth, of course. He seems to be threatened by the idea that Tim's going to university, because his next question is: "Alright Einstein, if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?" Right, that's what a psychologist does. He closes his eyes really tight, which makes him look like a child playing hide-and-seek. Tim guesses, "You're thinking: How can I kill a tiger armed only with a Biro?" Gareth says no, but as Tim guesses again, he makes a movement up and down his Adam's apple, and you can tell he's really thinking of the question now. "You're thinking: if I crash down in jungle, will I be able to eat my shoes?" "No, and you can't," says Gareth promptly. Tim asks him what he's thinking. "I was just thinking, will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark," replies Gareth. But he talks kind of slowly and rolls his eyes a bit, so it seems like he's making it up on the spot. Tim's guess was really close. Maybe he really can read minds. Gareth eats up his last cheese noodles as Tim stares off into space looking really tired.

Malcolm and another older employee at their desks, taking calls. Malcolm's talking on the phone. He says, "It's faith." I wonder what that is in reference to. Malcolm is an interesting character. Maybe he's talking about faith in keeping his job, or faith in the management. Either way, if that's what it is, he's wrong to believe in it.

Donna walks into the office with the typical embarrassed posture of someone who's late. Dawn and Tim give her side glances, but Gareth, of course, has to comment: "Midday! You just getting here?" As if it's any of his business. Donna tries sarcasm: "No, I should be here in about an hour." Gareth chuckles in a forced way: "About an hour... you're already here..." I think he's just trying to laugh along when Donna makes a joke, but it comes off sounding like he's an idiot who has to explain the joke because he doesn't quite get it. Sarcasm seems to confuse him, and maybe Donna is already realizing that and using it against him. If so, she earns my respect.

David walks in and asks if he is [some reference I totally don't catch]. "Evening all," he says and points at his watch. "Brilliant," says Dawn sarcastically, and David grins and points at her, obviously thinking she liked it. Donna humbly apologizes for being late, but David doesn't seem to care. Of course he doesn't; that's work-related. His concern is that she didn't come home the night before: "Your parents have entrusted me with their most valuable possession - you." He points at Donna, and may I just say that I find the idea of one's child as a possession terrible, even if I realize he means she's valuable. She's not a thing. "Ipso...facto... trust received... responsibility given.. and.. taken." OK, that meant absolutely nothing, but it's hilarious when David uses Latin to show his nonexistant cultural knowledge. The Wikipedia entry for "ipso facto" is very confusing, but I'm sure David is using it incorrectly. He points at his body while saying "taken". He's leaning on the wall, which isn't the best position in this case, as it seems to emphasize his hanging gut. I guess he's just trying to look laid back, even if he's anything but. He says it's fine for her to stay out the night, but her friend's parents - of course he says her parents - could have called. Donna says his parents weren't in. How young is Donna supposed to be? She looks 20 to me, but maybe we're supposed to assume she's 17 or 18? Perhaps the point is that David is just treating her like a child when she's not.

David is obviously uncomfortable to hear it was a man, and he tries to play it off: "His parents, he's a bloke, so what? Come on... Chill out, shall we?" as if anyone else cares. Gareth is looking very serious, and perhaps jealous that Donna has someone else and isn't saving herself until she realizes what a hunk he is. David says it's ok to have a "friend who happens to be a boy", and offers a pretty inappropriate example: he could stay overnight at Dawn's sometime. "No, you couldn't," says Dawn, disgusted. David babbles: "Well, I could if I got off with...at the wrong... got off AT the wrong bus stop... I'd be on the floor." Oo, has he actually imagined getting off with Dawn? Leave it to David to make an example of men and women being just friends and revealing his sexual feelings for an employee in the process. Dawn looks suitably grossed out at the idea of David on her floor.

Donna says they spent some time on the floor too. David looks uncomfortable, but he tries to play it off. "For good reason! More room... Go free, come on, Jesus..." David looks at the floor like he's really embarrassed to be talking about this. Behind him, Dawn smiles at Donna mischieviously. David tries to continue his terrible example of "boy/friend" and if he slept at Dawn's... "You couldn't," says Dawn firmly. I love Dawn. "You could stay at mine if you wanted to," interjects Gareth, who is either secretly gay or completely oblivious of the sexual connotations of this whole conversation. "I don't wanna stay at yours," David quickly refutes. Because he's NOT GAY. At all. And sleeping at someone's is still just a sign of being friends, even if a straight guy totally couldn't stay at another guy's house.

"The point is if I did stay at Dawn's..." and David looks at Dawn, who cringes... "there'd be no funny business, there was no funny business, fine..." Donna cuts off his babble: "Apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time, so you don't have to worry." David tries to smile, but he looks like a father who has to face the fact that his daughter is having sex. And he wouldn't be David if he didn't make things worse with a completely inappropriate question: "It wasn't... someone in the office, was it?" Donna gives David what he deserves: an honest answer. "It was, actually. I slept with somebody in the office, everybody!" she says in a loud voice and looks into the camera. Yeah, I wouldn't much enjoy David discussing my sex life in front of the camera either. David laughs and pretends it's all an act. Dawn seems amused by all this. "It's not even... she's not even..." David babbles and looks at his watch for no reason. Then he does his trademark embarrassed "Awww..." As he walks away, he tells Dawn seriously: "I'd let you stay at mine." Dawn looks like she finds David utterly pathetic. And she probably does.

The camera shows the office, looking unusually busy with people on the phone, through the Venetian blinds of David's office for a moment. David walks into the lobby saying, "I'm getting a secretary, because um... well, I need one." The pause after the word "because" suggests that he does not, and the real reason is something that dare not speak its name in a documentary. I'm actually pretty sure that he wants a pretty young thing in the office, so he can finally have a love life. He probably expected only women to apply for the job. Young, good-looking women. And the fact that this scene is right after the "I could stay at Dawn's" scene seems to suggest that Dawn doesn't fancy him, so someone else must take that job. Knowing David, he probably believes that secretaries are really mainly for sex.

"The lucky.. contestants," grins David as the camera zooms on two applicants chatting with Dawn on the sofa. Their names are Stewart Foote and Karen Roper. David shakes hands with both of them, but as Dawn introduces "Mr Brent," David says to Karen: "I don't know a Mr Brent! Call me David." Karen chuckles politely, and David points at her and says to Dawn: "She'd brighten up the place, wouldn't she?" like they were picking out a plant for the office. He realizes what he just said and starts to babble: "IF she gets the job.. They're both equal...No foregone conclusion. Based on interview and... and merit. I mean, it is up to me ultimately, but good luck." David-English translation: Don't let the door hit your ass on your way out, Stewart. Stewart seems to realize this, as he looks pretty disappointed already. I love how David says the name of his band there. Dawn plays with her hair nervously and looks really tired of David. "Nurse, the Polaroid," says David and chuckles inanely. He asks the applicants to sit down on the sofa and they do. Dawn prepares to take a photo of each of them, but David snatches the camera from her: "I'll do it!" He compliments Karen's smile, hair, and eyes, using the word "lovely" like five times. It's so wrong, but she takes it bravely. He keeps looking at Karen and smiling at her when he points the camera at Stewart: "Let's take one of you too." He pushes the button without even looking at him. Stewart is wiping his eyes as he takes the photo, obviously thinking it doesn't matter how he looks because David won't look at it anyway. He hangs his head in frustration.

David is still staring at Karen as Dawn reminds him: "We'll do Stewart first." David wakes up from his rapture and says: "Yeah, let's get him out of the way", and again, very impartial, David. They walk into his office and sit down. David says "Good". And after that - nothing. He just stares at Stewart grinning at him. Stewart looks confused, as I would be. The job interview from hell: sitting in front of a boss you know won't hire you. Especially if he doesn't even bother to talk. David is leaning back in his chair, trying to look laid back, but he ends up looking more like he should go up a coat size. It looks like the coat just barely fits him, and yet the look on his face says: "I look HOT." Every time he tries to look young and cool, he ends up looking fat and old. It's a nice touch.

"Stewart Foote," David says. He smiles as if he's thinking, "Hee, foot." Stewart looks uncomfortably at the wall, and he sees a printout that says:
"Money don't make my world go round
I'm reaching out to a higher ground."
It's just a white paper with those words on it. Obviously printed out by David, because he thinks it's so inspirational and philosophical. Stewart asks David what it is, and David reads the words out loud. He sounds like it's the most profound thought he ever heard, and it probably is. "Is that a philosopher?" asks Stewart. "Des'ree," says David, nodding. So Des'ree is a philosopher? Hee. Stewart recognizes that she is a singer, and David suddenly starts singing the song:
"Money don't make my world go round
I'm reaching out to a higher ground
To a warm and peaceful place
Ai-ai-ai- I can rest my weary face..."
He sings with his eyes closed. He bobs his head. And he taps the rhythm on the desk. It's really lame. Of course, he gives the camera side glances as if this will make him look cool on TV. Stewart starts so say, "I don't think that -" but David cuts him off by singing more:
"Cos we're living, we're living, in a crazy maze!" And then he launches right into a question: "Wh d'you wanna work here? Shoot." That is brilliant. Way to humiliate your job applicant right from the start and use his interview showcase your singing "skills" on camera.

Season 1, Episode 4, Part 5: "Being Dumped"

In the conference room, Rowan has finished his lunch and looks like he's deep in his thoughts. He's probably wondering how he can get through the afternoon without killing David.

In the office, Donna still won't shut up: "Being dumped is the perfect excuse to do all the things you ever wanted to do." Dawn says again that she wasn't dumped, and mentions that she's thought of leaving. Tim, who's reading a paper - with the headline "I'll Stand by Becks" and a picture of David Beckham on it, which somehow amuses me - jumps in asks Dawn how long she's been considering this. At this point, Gareth walks in and has to know who's leaving. In his polite way, he tells Dawn: "That's just stupid. You've got a job here for life." Dawn says that's the problem: she wants to do more in life than "answering phones at some crappy sub-branch paper merchants'." I can imagine. Her job seems really boring, and no one in the office, including David, seems to have any fun doing their job. Gareth, of course, has no ambitions and doesn't understand anyone who does: "Work hard and you could be answering phones at the head office. Or a better paper merchants'." I love how he talks like there are no jobs available in any non-paper-related industries. "Gareth, she don't wanna waste her life in paper," says Tim. Gareth gets defensive and says Jeff Lamp, apparently a paper sales rep, is 42 and has his own Porsche. I think it's telling that Gareth thinks a fancy car means someone has gotten ahead in life. Tim asks Dawn again how long she's been thinking about leaving, and the scene cuts off. Both Tim and Dawn are looking kind of tired in this episode, which is understandable since Tim IS tired and Dawn has been crying through most of it. Tim has a little five o'clock shadow, and it seems like he's decided he won't groom himself for a job he hates. I love how British shows dare to show things like this instead of having them all in flawless make up like American shows would.

In the conference room, Rowan leans on the projector, looking really tired and bored with his life. I never realized before how much thought they put into the character of Rowan. He's in the conference room all alone, whereas the people having lunch in the office have each other to talk to. He's stuck spending the day with David Brent who won't let him do his job. He has to repeat the same redundant stuff to employees in different firms even if they're not listening. His life sucks, just like everyone else's on this show. Nice touch.

David and Gareth walk in, as the camera is zooming on Rowan's face. The moment David walks in, he closes his eyes as if to spend one more moment without talking to David. Gareth asks David if he's going to send his music somewhere. David says he has a 10-year-old demo that needs to be enhanced to send out, "add some drum and bass shit, some sampling..." Yeah. He has to make the same stuff everyone else is making, so he'd have to "modernize" his music, even if it seems to be really generic rock already. Gareth asks him if he needs a manager if he's going on tour. Rowan walks in and apologizes for the interruption, but David tells him to wait and listens to Gareth instead. Way to be professional there, David. Once again. Gareth wants to be David's manager, but David wants to manage himself. "I could be your assistant manager," suggests Gareth. "You could be assistant TO the manager," says David. Nice. Best to decide the manager issue right away, before he even has a record deal. Or a proper demo to send out. To show his power, David now tells Gareth to wait and points at Rowan, "Shoot." Rowan says the people aren't back yet and they've got "a lot to get thru". David tells Gareth to ask the others back in. Gareth asks, "Do you want me to discipline them?" Hee! How is he gonna discipline them? I bet he carries some kind of army weapon with him that he could use for that, actually. Maybe his pencil has a knife inside it. As Gareth leaves, David points at him and laughs a bit as if to say "he's a piece of work, but what can you do?" It's a sad little gesture, because it seems to be meant to emphasize his power over Gareth. Both David and Gareth are sad, hanging on to any little power they can get. David tries to bond with Rowan by making fun of a portrait hanging on a wall, but it backfires: "Imagine him in a band. Bald old git." Then he glances at Rowan, who is balder than the man in the picture. "The glasses," he quickly adds. I love how David is so lookist, even if he's not the most attractive man himself. He tries to get away from the embarrassing moment by changing the subject: "What's the vibe in the second half, cos..." He makes obscure hand gestures, snaps his fingers, and seems to start walking around aimlessly. If you want to make people forget your latest screw-up, try body language that is even more embarrassing. Works every time.

As the employees file back into the conference room, an anonymous man is asking Rowan how he got into the job. Rowan still has his arms crossed, which makes him seem nervous or rejecting. The guy says his job seems interesting, and Rowan says, "Is it?" like he's not convinced about that. In the corridor outside the room, Tim stares out the window as if he's had enough of this job. Which he has.

"TEAM BUILDING", says another lame pictureless slide. Rowan tells the group that the next exercise has to do with "forward planning and team work". He needs to devide the employees in pairs - never a good sign if you ask me - and he decides to have Tim and Gareth as one pair, which makes Tim groan, "Oh god." Gareth angrily mutters that he wouldn't want to be "in a situation" with Tim either. Tim asks him sarcastically who he would like to be on a desert island with, and Gareth of course thinks he's serious. His reply is Daley Thompson. Tim just stares ahead with a "I give up" look on his face. I really feel for him in this episode. Well, all episodes.

The dumb exercise has to do with a farmer, a chicken, a fox, and a bag of grain. I believe that everyone who's been through the school system has had to do this exercise. This time Rowan has a visual slide for us, but it's only a crude drawing of a body of water, a boat sailing on it, and the aforementioned three things that need to be transported over the river by the farmer, "not pictured," as Rowan says and chuckles a bit. There is a big question mark next to the boat. As Rowan says the boat is only big enough to take one thing with him at once, David lifts one finger and says "one.. at a time.." When Rowan is done, he starts to say: "Remember.. you ca.." but Rowan cuts him off, knowing at this point that David can't have anything worthwhile to add. "Five minutes," Rowan says and David just grins and says, "OK?" David, go back to your seat and let Rowan do his job. Also - how is this a team building exercise? What is "team building", anyway? It sounds like management jargon to me.

Jamie says, "You can't take the fox first, because the chicken will eat the grain." His pair is nodding. David walks in, looks at them grinning and says, "Hi." Jamie just looks up at him. David pats both guys on the shoulders and walks past them, so that they have to give him some room. Is he pretending to be the teacher? Note that Rowan isn't going around listening to the pairs, even if he assigned the task. It's a tiny scene, but it still shows how childish David is.

Tim and Gareth are working on the task. Tim explains matter-of-factly how you can't take the grain because the fox would eat the chicken. "The fox and the chicken together? Blood bath!" says Gareth as if Tim is proposing that. "I know. And you can't leave the chicken with the grain," says Tim. "Ah, hello, I'm the chicken! Thank you Tim for giving me with my favorite food!" says Gareth. He does this amazing facial expression, like he's mocking Tim, which I guess he is. How clueless can a guy get? Of course, he proves to me instantly that he can act even more clueless, as he starts to ask questions that are completely irrelevant in solving the task. They include:
-Is the chicken as big as the bag of grain? (Tim's response: "It's a super chicken." Someone put this clip up at YouTube with the title "Super Chicken", which cracked me up.)

-"What's the farmer doing with a fox? Fox is a farmer's worst enemy. He should just drown the fox in the river." That's actually a good point, even if he's taking the task way too seriously. The fox is weird. A dog might work better, if we can assume it's a dog who's not reliable at all and might eat his chicken while he's away. Wouldn't the fox attack the farmer.. Oh god, I'm thinking like Gareth. Shoot me now.

-"What are we learning from this?" I bet Gareth is the kind of person who always wants to know if this will be on the exam. It's that kind of question. Tim explains tiredly that it's just a puzzle to be solved and they will learn nothing.

-He says the grain could be left leaning against a wall. How would that stop the chicken from eating it? Tim says there is no wall. "What, there's no wall? There's nothing, just a farm and a river? Get his wife to help." Tim says he hasn't got a wife. "All farmers have wives," says Gareth. Umm... "Except this one, he's gay," says Tim. Hee! "Well, then he shouldn't be allowed near animals," says Gareth. Just when I thought he couldn't get more ignorant.

A few more establishing shots that show that the other teams are actually trying to solve the puzzle. In the corridor, Dawn and Lee make up. The camera zooms on them through the window on a door as they hug. Aww. Even if I hate Lee and their relationship, that still seemed kind of cute. And also exactly the type of thing a documentary group would be shooting.

David asks Rowan if he wants him to tell the answer. Rowan says he can do it. David claims they're more "receptive" to him. What? Why does he even hire outside help if he's so sure that the employees only want him to talk to them all the time? Rowan tells them the answer: Chicken across first, then the fox, but on his way back he takes the chicken back with him, then takes the grain across and then comes back with the chicken. The whole task is so artificial. David keeps motioning to the projected slide and mouthing words as Rowan talks. As Rowan says, "I'm sure you all got the answer," David adds, "Easy", grins and nods his head stupidly. Rowan says the point is they "all worked as a team." Riight. Gareth raises his hand: "Some questionss." He says it so slowly and emphatically, it sounds ridiculous. It sounds like he thinks he's smarter than Rowan, which he probably does, and like this task is somehow so important to him. He apparently made two pages of notes and needs to go through them to ask his questions, as he flips through his notebook. Priceless.

The window is shown again, as a plane with happy passengers going far away from the dreary life in Slough is reflected onto it. Inside, Rowan and David are standing up in front of a circle of bored employees. David is still trying to beat Rowan at his own job. Rowan starts with how he hopes this task showed them that "in a team, every member must.." "follow the leader," adds David, which is extra silly, because there were no leaders in that task. "..well, yeah, but know their place within the structure.," corrects Rowan. He even tries to make David's babble make sense: "Some may be leaders, but..." David stupidly interjects again: "He knows best.. or SHE." Rowan, again, tries to make it work: "Whoever is in charge..." "May be a woman," adds David redundantly, always eager to show non-sexist he is. "Obviously may be men or women, but ultimately..." "Can't stress that enough," David continues. "No, absolutely," says Rowan way too politely. He continues to say something that makes sense, but David interjects again: "Unconditional trust is returned in the leadership." What does that have to do with anything? Rowan tries to ignore him and continue: "It's important that you know your place..." "As a little cart in a big wheel," interjects David. Rowan rubs his face and says they'll move on now, and David interjects, "Move on, OK?" Might this scene be implying that David does NOT know his place and is always trying to show his power in the wrong place, thus making people respect him less? I think it might.

The next redundant slide shows us a drawing of two dogs that are tied into the same leash that leads nowhere. The dogs are going after bones that are in opposite directions. Rowan asks the employees what the lesson is. "Dogs?" suggets Gareth. "Say what you see, Gareth," says Tim and we hear someone laugh off-screen. "Give the dog a bone?" Gareth guesses, as if they're playing charades. "I don't believe it," says Tim. He says it's not Roy Walker, a reference I had to check on Wikipedia, but apparently "Just say what you see" is one of his catchphrases. I've learned a lot of new things about British entertainment through The Office. And Gareth does sometimes act like someone put stupid in the tap water. He asks Tim what it is then, and Tim, by now slouching in his chair and looking like he's about to fall asleep, sarcastically says, "If we pull together in the same direction - it's better for all of us!" His voice rises as if he's delivering the lesson in a kids' show. Gareth says they might be fighting over the bones, but Tim points out they're smiling. "Maybe in the picture, but in reality..." says Gareth, making it obvious that he doesn't get metaphors. How did he even manage to graduate?

Rowan looks at them incredulously and then tells them the idea: "If the team is focused on its objectives and those of its individual members, then it's easier for everyone to achieve their goals." Wow. And what better way to teach that than through a boring projector slide? David, of course, can't shut up, and has to offer us a pearl of wisdom that he's stored under "dogs and bones" in his brain: The fable of a dog that has a bone, sees his own reflection in a lake, thinks the "other dog" has a better bone and tries to reach for it, but ends up losing his own bone. Rowan tiredly asks what it has to do with this. David tries to think of a forced connection: "It's what Gareth was saying about.. if we've got our.. bones.. don't go for other people's bones.. fighting cos you'll lose your own." His voice falters and it's really obvious he doesn't know himself what he's saying. Rowan asks what it means. David just stares at him awkwardly for a moment. He then tries the most childish tactics possible: "Oo..don't you know? Thought it was..." He plays with his tie, but more slowly than usual, so you can tell he's embarrassed. "Bones," says Gareth and points at the projector slide. Wow. I think Gareth's mind might actually be more vacant than Keith's when it comes to puzzles.

Tim has had enough. He suddenly speaks out that he's so bored and rubs his face. "So am I," says Rowan suddenly. Tim says he meant the job. He apologizes to David: "No disrespect. This is a waste of time." David says they should go on with the training, "We're nearly finished now." Tim says he can't take "any more of this nonsense" - and he points at Gareth - or boring phone conversations about paper. He says the name of some paper, and Gareth corrects him. "You're a twat, OK? Shut up! Shut up!" says Tim. David tries to calm Tim down and offers to have a drink with him and talk further, but Tim has made up his mind. "We'll work out my notice later, right now I'm going. Goodbye." He just leaves. At least he mentions the notice and is still at work in the next episode. In many American shows, all you do is say "I quit" and just walk out. Just like you can just tell someoen to "cover for me" and run out to meet your lover or whatever. I liked how they were more realistic here. Tim has obviously been thinking of doing this for a long time, but it still comes as a surprise to everyone, and perhaps to himself. David grins at the camera and says, "He'll be fine", as if he's on top of the situation. Rowan walks out too, saying, "A waste of time - always a waste of time." I feel for him. But he only had to work with David for one day, while Tim has had to work there for a while, so he can't be quite as fed up with it.

The employees just stare at David as he says, "Ooh, you see, pressure. Not as easy as it looks. Sometimes experience" - and he points at himself - "outweighs the" - and he makes gestures like he's flipping through a book. Right. Experience is more important than education, just like we learned earlier in the quiz episode. David is either completely oblivious to the fact that Rowan got tired of him or tries to hide it from his employees. Tim walks back in, interrupting David, and tells Dawn, "Now you've split up with Lee, would you come out for a drink with me?" Dawn looks shocked as she says with some difficulty that they didn't split up. Tim backpedals awkwardly, "No no, I meant as a friend.. I .. I did mean as a friend..." As he walks away, David grins at the camera some more. Dawn lifts her hand to her face, obviously feeling overcome by emotion. David says to Gareth, "Go and get the guitar." He points at Dawn smugly. Yes, he will save the day. And it's really only for Dawn. As Gareth goes to get the guitar, the camera pans behind David. "I'll probably write a song about this one day," he says. I'd like to hear that song. It would probably hail him as the hero who got Tim to continue working there and cured Rowan of his stress problem.

As credits roll, we hear David sing the theme song with the help of his trusty guitar. He's trying to sound really cool again. It's a nice touch.

In the after-credits joke, we see David with his guitar telling the others: "We used to have a political reggae one, called Equality Street." Did he name it after Quality Street candy? Somehow the idea of David singing reggae seems even more ridiculous than the rest of his "rock star" stuff. Great episode.

Season 1, Episode 4, Part 4: "Song Time"

We hear guitar riffs as the camera shows Rowan's face. He's slouching in his chair with his arms crossed, looking like he's full of barely sustained rage. David is playing chords on his guitar. The camera pans on Tim, who is at the coffee table. He tells the camera David went home to get the guitar. That's so David. The company has hired a consultant to give them training, and he would rather show off his nonexistant rock star image than let the guy do his job. David, of course, has to narrate: "I wrote this... I only play songs I've written myself, so..."

I have to write down all the song lyrics. I don't even know how to recap this, because it just makes me laugh so much. For one thing, the lyrics are ridiculous. Just like the David interviews, they vary from generic "wisdom" to nonsensical stuff that probably sounded much better in his head. Secondly, David is SO serious about this. He bobs his head and sometimes has his eyes closed while singing, as if it's the most touching thing he's ever heard. While he's singing, the camera shows some of the other characters: two guys furrowing their brows like they don't know how to react to it; Tim and Dawn chuckling and glancing at each other; loyal old Sheila bobbing her head and with this permanent smile and an expectant look in her eyes, trying to be really polite about his music and not burst into laughter. I do wonder about Sheila. Is she just really nice or does she have a mind as empty as Keith's?

The first song David sings is predictably about what a tolerant person he really is:
"Spaceman came down to answer some things
The world gathered round from paupers to kings
I'll answer your questions, I'll answer them true
I'll show you the way, you'll know what to do
Who is wroong and who is right!
Yellow, brown, black or white?
The spaceman he answered: You no longer mind
I've opened your eyes, you're now colorblind."
"Racial. So..." David says in his trademark way. I love how he always has to add the adjective, as if to explain what it was about. I don't know what comes after "so..." but probably something along the lines of "I'm not bigoted, and therefore, I rock." As for the lyrics - "spaceman"? I guess he means an alien, and as we all know, aliens are omnipotent and can come down to answer our questions. And control our minds, so that we become colorblind. Wow. This really speaks to me. Also - what's the difference between brown and black, and who is yellow? This song strangely reminds me of Crash Test Dummies' "God Shuffled His Feet" with one exception, namely that "God Shuffled His Feet" was good.

We only get one line from the next song:
"She's the serpent who guards the gates of hell!!!" David tries to play some more "dangerous" riffs on the guitar, but it just ends up sounding lame. He doesn't add "Sexist", but he could. I love how that one line tells us how misogynist and generic that song was. Tim and Dawn applaud, but I think they're just happy to get out of the boring training.

And now for our main course, "Free Love", which I love. It's a fleshed-out generic rock song made just for the show. And, like everything made by David, it sucks but is also hilarious. The melody is actually pretty nice, but the lyrics.. I have watched this many times and I still laugh. David's trying to be cool while he sings it, so that doesn't help. He looks at the employees at "get her engine started", winks and sounds a bit amused at his own "witty" euphemisms. Yeah, we got it, David. You had sex with her. Malcolm looks at him during the chorus like he's shocked. Another male employee sits very straight-backed on his chair and furrows his brows. I love how they all look like "WTF is this and how am I supposed to respect that guy as my boss again?"

Pretty girl on the hood of a Cadillac, yeah
She's broken down on Freeway 9
I take a look, get her engine started
Leave her purring and I roll on by, bye bye

Free love on the free love freeway
Love is free and the freeway's long
I've got hot love on the hot love highway
Ain't going home cos my baby's gone

Gareth, who's been bobbing his head excitedly, decides to join in. He says, "Everybody!" And when David sings "my baby's gone", he interjects, "She's de-ead!" "She's not dead!" says David, looking annoyed. He rolls his eyes at the camera. Gareth looks stricken and hangs his head in shame. Aww, poor Gareth. But hee at "She's dead". What kind of a backup choir would sing that? Dawn is clapping her hands, still looking sad. Tim looks at her a bit concerned and she smiles at him as if to say "I'm alright." The song continues a bit more slowly:

Long time later see a cowboy crying
I say: Hey buddy, what can I do
He says: I've lived a good life, I had a thousand women
I say: Well, why the tears?
He says: Cos none of them was you...

He does an American accent when he does the cowboy's voice. It sounds silly, because he's trying to sound American and cool at the same time, and he's so far from both. Tim points out the obvious problem with these lines: "What, you?" David says he's looking at a picture. "Of you?" offers Tim, so we know he's just teasing David now, but really he's right. "Of his girlfriend. The video would have showed it," says David. He uses a "duh" kind of tone. Problem number one: If you have to have the video show what you're saying, there's something wrong with your lyrics. Problem number two: You think they're gonna make a VIDEO out of this? Problem number three: If "none of them was you", how is "you" his girlfriend? Tim decides to stop arguing and says it just sounded gay. "It's not gay," says David, obviously offended, and continues singing immediately to kill any further discussion on the topic. It didn't sound gay to me, it just sounded like he thought of a contrived way to rhyme with "do", and it's extra silly because the other lines don't even rhyme.

David launches into the chorus again, and this time both Tim and Gareth join in, singing harmonies. Gareth knows to sing "she's go-one" this time instead of "she's dead". He's not a bad singer, but it looks funny, because he's bobbing his head with his eyes closed so tight as if he's having this great musical experience. Tim sings the soprano, which sounds kind of girly. We see Keith clapping to the song in slow, steady claps. Rock'n'roll! A female employee is swaying to the song and seems to enjoy it. As the song draws to a close, it actually starts to sound pretty chaotic with three guys singing and the same guitar chords playing over and over. David tries to add some lines, like "She's just gone yeah", but it doesn't sound any more creative than the rest of the song. Tim closes with "She's gooone, yeah". The guys clap - at themselves, I guess - in the end, and the camera shows Rowan. He's been looking angry yet firm throughout the song, now he looks like he's about to burst into tears. He gets up and declares, "That's lunch" and walks out. Aww, poor Rowan. I wonder if he's going to the bathroom to cry a little and regain his composure before the afternoon. David says, "Okayy" and plays one more riff on his guitar. He looks at Rowan as he leaves, playing with his tie. He's probably thinking: "Damn, we were only halfway through my concert."

Tim and Dawn walk in the corridor. Tim asks "what in the name of jumping Joseph" - hee - "was that song about?" He wonders what David is doing and what Rowan is doing - I don't catch every word, but basically he seems to be saying that if you don't know the stuff Rowan is teaching, you don't deserve to have a job. Dawn is laughing and rubbing her face a bit, recovering from her crying earlier. Tim asks her if she's feeling better and she says she is. Tim is so sweet.

The employees are using part of their lunch breaks for checking mails and making calls. I don't think I would. If you're gonna be in training all day, just relax while you're not in training. Keith sits down with a loud "Ahh" and rubs his ear. That somehow reminds me of a St Bernard. He's not rubbing his ear with his foot, though.

Dawn sits on the sofa, as Donna comes in. I somehow don't like Donna. She stands up to David and Gareth and mostly reacts as any other sane person would, but I somehow find her unlikeable. In this scene especially, because does she really even know Dawn? We've never seen them talk, yet she's talking like she's her best friend: "Forget all about it, he's not worth it." How should she know? Has she met Lee at all? "I go through this sort of thing all the time - though it's usually me who dumps them." Yes, that oughta make her feel better. Dawn says it was just an argument, but Donna continues: "You should come out with me, I'll find you a new bloke." Ugh. I hate when friends try to find someone for you. Just let people figure their love lives out for themselves. Especially if you don't even know them. Dawn politely declines, as it was just an argument. "Well, I'm just saying," Donna says. "Thanks, that was nice," says Dawn. She's not facing Donna, who's leaning over the back of the sofa, so she's free to roll her eyes a bit. Yeah, that would be my reaction too. But I must admit that I don't sympathize with Dawn here all that much, because if you bring your dirty laundry to work, others are going to try and wash it for you.

In the conference room, Rowan is eating a sandwich and reading the paper. He looks much happier than in the previous scenes, and I'm sure he's enjoying a moment away from David and the silence of a guitar-free conference room.

In David's room, Dawn gets some more unwanted attention for her problems. David's sitting on a chair facing her, while Gareth is sitting on his desk. Why is Gareth even there? David tells Dawn he's aware of her problem, and "I wouldn't be the boss or the man that I am if I didn't try to offer some encouragement. So..." As the camera shows Dawn's shocked face, we hear more guitar riffs. Well, David wouldn't be the boss or the man he is if he didn't try to play The Boss, Slough Version, in every possible situation. Next to Dawn on a table is a sad little potted plant, too small to really bring any coziness into the room, and I know they had a real office as a set, but I can't help but wonder if they put that puny plant there on purpose just to emphasize the dullness of David's office. "It's something I wrote, I hope it helps," says David. I just have to transcribe the lyrics again:

"Rose, you never used your thorns
The ones you loved abandoned you
Your angel face made hearts so warm
You helped the sick,
But who helped you?"

As David sings, Gareth bobs his head with his eyes closed, looking like he enjoys this immensely. He's so sad. And Mackenzie Crook is an awesome actor. His body language is just perfect, the way he embodies the ass-kissing lameness of Gareth Keenan. As David gets into the bridge part, the song suddenly gets a lot faster and darker, and he tries to sing it cooler:

"Rushing through the Paris night
They hounded you, you lost control
We prayed that you would be alright
The news came through: Your body co-o-old..."

Suddenly the song gets slow and calm again:
"Good night, my sweet princess... "

Dawn interrupts him to ask if it was originally about Princess Diana. Yeah, I wonder. Like most untalented writers, David lacks the ability to make the song symbolic, and the only symbol he uses is from another song. David admits he wrote it about Princess Di, "but it fits perfectly, doesn't it?" Yeah, sure. Those lyrics could be applied to anything in life! "Not the car crash bit," says Dawn and laughs nervously. Gareth Keenan to the rescue, as David can't think of what to say: "Your relationship with Lee is a bit like a car crash." Hee, that's so rude. David points at Gareth and nods whilst smiling smugly and closing his eyes. Great body language from Gervais there. He acts like that was what he was thinking, but couldn't put it into words. "In Paris?" says Dawn. David waits for a response from Gareth. "City of love," Gareth says like Dawn should have thought of that herself. Yeah, it's obvious really. David nods deeply, looking smug about the brilliance of a thought that was neither brilliant nor his. Dawn, like Tim earlier, realizes that there's no point in questioning the lyrics. "You're right, it fits perfectly, thank you," she says and laughs nervously again. David suddenly launches into "Every breath you take..." and Gareth starts bobbing his head to the rhythm with his eyes closed again. If the Princess Di song didn't fit, how about this then? You'll be watching Dawn? I wonder if the writers were nodding to the version dedicated to Notorious BIG and sung by Puff Daddy. That, like David's Princess Di song, was rather unoriginal. David still manages to look smug, even if the lyrics of two of his songs have been questioned now. You can just tell that he's thinking, "The night this airs I will get a call from at least one record company."

Season 1, Episode 4, Part 3: "Ultimate Fantasy"

The camera shows the outside of what seems to be a window high on a very drab building indeed. Only this time it's red. Isn't the office house grey? Maybe they're in another building. OK, I won't obsess over this, but the point is the house looks boring and uninspirational, as it should.

Back inside, Rowan has gained his composure and he's telling the employees that this day is about them getting to know and trust each other. Um, ok. They only work together 8 hours a day, so if they don't know each other after that, maybe they don't want to. Tim and Dawn are looking tired and bored. They play with each other's arms in a hard-to-describe gesture. I can only say it looks very natural and like flirting, so it might well be ad libbed. Rowan starts to introduce an exercise, but before he can do that, Lee knocks on the door and asks to talk to Dawn. Rowan tells her to go meet Lee. I think it's disturbing they're having this personal fight in the office while working. Is it really like this in day jobs? I only work part time as a telephone interviewer, so I feel like I don't get a moment off until it's 9 pm. Then again, I'm getting paid by the job. But I digress.

The exercise is simply that everyone says their name and their ultimate fantasy. It should be simple enough, but nothing is simple for David and Gareth. Rowan kicks off by saying he dreams of having his own island. Then it's David's turn. He starts to split hairs about whether the dream should be possible or not. Rowan looks really tired, as David manages to turn a simple question into one of his great babbles: "If you're talking about anything that could or could NOT be possible, actually, you know, anything that could be conceived of.. to.. happen or not..within.. my... realm...then I guess some sort of everlasting life. I don't mean in a spiritual sense, but actually to see the future and know what it's like to live on.. and on.. and on.. forever." I love how he jumps straight from "life" to the redundant explanation, because he does it so quickly. It really sounds like Ricky ad libbed this, but I don't think he did. Gotta admire him. Also, the dream is so typical for someone like David. His life is already pretty sad and he wants that to go on forever? Tim says he's starting to know what an eternal life is like, and as a smart guy, he does know how it would feel: it would be the ultimate boredom. A childish guy like David just thinks it would be cool and exciting.

Dawn and Lee fight in the corridor. I think this part probably was ad libbed, because they talk over each other. They repeat things like "You have your say, why can't I have my say..." This quickly gets boring, even if it only goes on for a few seconds, and we cut to a Dawnterview where she tells us that Lee and her have been married for three years, and he proposed on a Valentine's Day with an ad in the paper. "I think he had to pay by the word, because it only said: Lee love Dawn. Marriage?" She reads out the question mark. Dawn says she likes that because "it's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty." Well, it's one of the two. She does it in this perfect voice that implies she's not all that happy with it, but she's trying to show to the camera she likes it, because Lee will be watching. She gives the camera a little uneasy smile. Great naturalistic acting, once again.

Dawn comes back into the conference room and yells after Lee: "Don't call my Mom again!" Lovely. The other employees surely appreciate all this drama. Rowan says, "Dawn do you want..." but she just lifts a finger at him - no, not that finger - and walks back to her seat. I love Dawn. Gareth comes in carrying a bulletin board, and Rowan asks him to share his ultimate fantasy. Lesson of the day: when you're dealing with young guys, don't use the word fantasy unless you mean it in a sexual way. Gareth delivers this gem with a totally serious face: "Two lesbians probably. Sisters. I'm just watching." Sisters?! Where are you going to find lesbian SISTERS who would do it while a guy is watching? That is wrong in so many ways and yet it's awesome, because Gareth says it. Then he looks around like he realizes what he just said. Even David sees something wrong with it, as he furrows his brows. But then he might be mentally playing the scene Gareth described and trying to look like he's not having a boner. It's hard to tell. After a moment of silence, Rowan resumes and asks Tim. Tim says, "I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth, please?" I think he's just trying to tease Gareth, but he sounds completely serious, and Gareth nervously looks around as if to see if he's expected to elaborate on the lesbian sisters and their sexual adventures.

David smiles in a moronic way as Rowan presents another theme for today: MOTIVATION, written on a projector slide. But it's not just motivation, it's MOTIVATION! you know, that's not what projector slides are for. If you want to project something, it should be visual in some way, and I think a big word is not really motivational enough on its own. Not to mention that projector slides are so old-fashioned. But then, when was this show made? 2000? Maybe it's feasible that a small office couldn't afford anything fancier at the time. Rowan asks Keith what his motivation for working here is. Ooh, goodie. I have yet to see a scene with Keith that wasn't brilliant. David, of course, replies for him: "Being part of a team." What? How is that a motivation? Isn't "teamwork" one of those things that every ad for an open job is advertising? Rowan tells David to let Keith answer it himself. "I'm just saying, that's probably what he'd say if you asked him," David says. He really can't handle it when someone else has the spotlight, no matter how small the issue. "Well I am asking him and I'd really like him to answer," says Rowan. I like him. David does one of his "I may be wearing a suit, but I'm still ten at heart" moves and asks Keith, "Do you wanna answer him? Thanks." He then lifts his head and plays with his tie again. David has spoken. Even if he really should have kept his mouth shut.

Keith, in his usual perfect monotone, says: "This job is a stop-gap really... The job's not difficult and I'm not taking my work home with me... It's pretty brainless." That's awesome, because Keith gives an impression of not actually having any thoughts himself. If HE finds the job boring, it must be really bad. David, of course, is offended. He keeps saying, "hmmm...hmm.." in a deep voice all through Keith's speech, and then gets all defensive: "On your level, maybe, but..but.." Keith awesomely interrupts him, because he's a slow talker and he was just taking a break between sentences: "Ultimately I wanna play music.. write music and play in a band." Yeah, he is so rock'n'roll. Even when he's DJing in some episodes, he just stands there and works on the turn tables like they were calculators. I love this character. He's just so deadpan, so understated, and they don't use him too much to wear him out. Keith rocks.

David finds a way to bring the topic back to himself: "Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, next!" He always emphasizes the last word so that it sounds funny: Nexttt. The camera does a little shake back and forth as poor Rowan, who has his head resting on his hands at this point, tries to ask Keith something, but Dawn interrupts him to ask David if he was in a band, "Like a rock band?" David is happy that the focus is back on him and says yes. "What were you called?" asks Dawn. Oh Dawn, don't get him going. "Foregone Conclusion," says David. And that is brilliant, because who's more prejudiced than David? Rowan tells David this is neither the time nor the place. "Well, I have to deal with the questions," says David, and his smile implies that if this training day is a pissing contest between him and Rowan, he just won. Because he was in a band. He's cool. Tim asks what David did in the group. "Singer/songwriter," says David and looks at the camera with this fake-humble smile that says: "FINALLY I get to show the viewers at home that I am a rock star!" He turns to Rowan and says, "Lyrics man mainly, but you know...The music came... easy as well, so..." But of course. How could creativity be hard for someone like David? He does a ridiculous little "playing the keyboards" gesture as he talks about the music. Then he combines his fingers with his trademark smug smile. "Are there any more questions for David?" says Rowan. "No? Good." David points out that he didn't give them the chance to ask anything. He points at Dawn and asks her if she'd like to ask something. Of course she has to come up with something now. She asks if they were successful. "Were we successful?" says David slowly. "I'll let you be the judge of that when I tell you that we were once SUPPORTED BY a little-known Scottish outfit called Texas." Oh, so Texas warmed up for them? Why do I suspect it was the other way around? And before Texas even became famous? David's gleeful smile says: "I have now proven that I am the star and everybody will love me." Everyone except Rowan, who looks at David angrily as he gives a little fake laugh.

David interviews that people come to him and say, "Oh David, you're a brilliant singer/songwriter, you're stuck in Slough. Whilst Texas, they're off making all the money. And they're rubbish compared to you." Yeah, I'm sure many people have told him that, considering not even his own employees knew he used to be in a band. That's actually kinda off character, coming to think of it. Wouldn't he have said that on his first day as boss? "Hi all, I'm David Brent, I'm your boss. But don't worry, I'm just a chilled out entertainer. In fact, I used to be in a band. A little known band called Foregone Conclusion."*plays with his tie* I can just see that. In the interview, David once again goes into his scenario as if it were reality and says, "Don't slag them off," with an indignant look on his face. "I've been there, I've done that, I've left that behind me." Yeah, so he's actually better than Texas because he's moved on and they're still doing it. He tries to play modest as he says they're good in their own fields: "I'm sure Texas couldn't run a successful paper merchants', and I couldn't do... Actually I could do what they do... And I think they knew it back then... Probably what spurred them on." Right. It all makes a lot of sense, because
a) David doesn't run Wernham Hogg;
b) He wasn't in a paper company while they performed together; and
c) You can't really compare a regional manager at a paper firm to Texas, no matter how much of a has-been rock star he is.

Someone like David who has to be the center of attention all the time wouldn't have left a band unless he had to. Which means they bombed. And if Texas had opened for them, I don't think Tim and Dawn would have to ask him what his band's name was, because they'd know him. It's all a bit sad, but also hilarious, because it's happening to David, so of course he acts like he's the biggest star in the world. Incidentally, Ricky Gervais used to be in a band in the 80's. If you're interested in seeing a much younger, leaner, meaner Gervais, you can check a part of the music video here.

Season 1, Episode 4, Part 2: "Who Cares Wins"

The video rolls. It is indeed cheesy and 80's, and I think it's Gervais/Merchant's way of laughing at training videos at work and educational videos in general. First we see ridiculous 80's graphics: grey, white, and green boxes just sliding in and out of the frame. Remember when all graphics were like that? If you don't, consider yourself lucky. Ricky and Donna watch with their arms folded, looking a bit sceptical. The name of the video comes on screen with the text "presented by Peter Purves" under it. Am I supposed to know who he is? Actually, he's not credited as "himself", so he might really be a made up person. When they show the video, you can see a lamp's reflection on the screen, which is a nice touch.

Cut to a middle-aged man watering a potted plant in a set that looks like an office. But it really does look like a set, because it's only three tables and one filing cabinet or something. No people, no phones ringing, so it lacks that office feel. Peter Purves - but I'll call him Purvy - turns to face the camera and says: "Hi", as if he only now noticed he was being filmed. He moves around in the mock office and asks what the most important asset of a business is. "Staff," says David smugly and looks at the others. He's leaning back in his chair, his arms folded over his belly. He manages to look both over-attentive and arrogant that way. "That's right," says Purvy. "The customer." David shrugs and says, "Different angle." Well, David has a rather unique angle, like when he was saying before that today is about customer care, or in other words, the staff. Staff doesn't really equal customer, David. Coming to think of it, he's not in touch with the customer but rather deals with staff, so it's understandable he'd think in this way - especially considering that he's not a particularly good boss, so he can't put himself in the position of his employees.

Purvy goes up to a desk and shows an open suitcase containing wads of cash. They represent this year's profits. "And this is what you're doing to those profits if you underestimate the value of customer care," says Purvy menacingly and sets fire to the bills. Ridiculous 80's warning music plays as the bills burn. Oo, I'm scared. David redundantly tells Gareth, "That's not real money. You know why?" He keeps leaning back in his chair and turning halfway round to face Gareth - who is still taking notes, by the way - and seems like this ADD kid in class, who can't sit still even for a short video. Gareth is clearly trying to pay attention to the video and doesn't reply anything, so Tim says instead, "Cos you'd be mad to burn it." David is happy to tell them this bit of trivia: "No, cos it's illegal to destroy anything with the queen's image of the realm in it." That's a bit weird. Even if I guess burning the US flag is also illegal. I'm not sure. David is talking quite loud, and Rowan has to act as the teacher: "Can we just watch the video?" David doesn't seem to pay attention to him, but he is quiet for a moment. Purvy tells us, "Statistics show that if you're treated well, you tell five people. If you're treated badly, you'll tell NINE." The warning music plays again. David nods smugly when Purvy says five and makes a somewhat surprised, yet completely overacted, face when he says nine. He's obviously thinking of the camera. Gareth has stopped writing, so we know he's thinking. He asks David if you can set fire to a postage stamp. David claims that postage stamps are actually legal tender and a bus driver should accept them. Tim doesn't buy that. "If he doesn't you can report him," says David. "I'll report him when I'm walking home," says Tim. "You can take a taxi if you have enough stamps," suggests Gareth. "Or cash it in at the post office," says Dawn. "Shouldn't have to, shouldn't have to," says David and taps his arm, pleased that he got to share a completely useless and unrelated piece of information. I think Gareth was genuinely interested, while Tim and Dawn were just playing along so they don't have to focus on the video. Rowan doesn't say anything, but he looks at David like he can't believe the boss is distracting the employees. That just shows he's new here.

Back in "Who Cares Wins", we see a rather unlikely scenario. A stereotypical young female employee is talking on the phone in overexcited tones: "Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Oh REALLY? Well I said to him..." The sexism is palpable, as an important male customer tries to get the woman's attention and she simply says, "I'm on the phone." The customer leaves and the picture freezes. Purvy is imposed over it and tells us, "Well done. That customer won't be bothering you again... ever." Yeah, because this happens so often. In a "what should have happened" scenario, the woman immediately tells the customer, "Excuse me, sir, I'll be with you in a moment." The customer smiles happily, as if he just wants to be noticed. Because customers, the salt of the earth, are always kind and meek if you only treat them right. There are lots of people who would simply have yelled, "Get off the phone NOW, I'm in a hurry!" The woman rather unbelievably tells her friend, "I'm sorry Jean, I have to go now, I have a customer. I'll call you back at a more convenient time." Yeah, I always talk to my friends that formally too. The picture freezes to a frame where the woman looks at the customer obediently. Purvy comes on again and tells us that it really is that simple: you just acknowledge the customer and everyone will be happy. David is shown nodding again. He has that look, as if this was really his idea, only the video writers happened to say it out loud first. Gareth is still thinking hard with his pen in his hand. It's hard to guess what his mind is on - using postage stamps as legal tender, or how to use a pen as a lethal weapon in the jungle? Dawn looks at Tim, trying to engage him in some laughing-at-the-video, but Tim just looks tired.

Cut to later. On the video, "SeeU Opticians" is operating in an office with one of those vision tests on the wall. Except that it says, "Have you heard of customer care" in letters that get gradually smaller and smaller. The optician tries to shake hands with a potted plant. He tells it, "Your prescription will be ready on Friday, madam." "Fine, see you Tuesday," says the woman, who's trying to shake hands with a rack full of sample frames. I think my sides just split from laughing. Purvy closes with "Make your motto: Who cares wins." Yeah, I think we got that already. The woman sees him and asks for his autograph. "Thank you, Mr Noakes," says the woman and Purvy grimaces at the camera. David laughs out loud, obviously expecting others to laugh too, but no one does, because it's not funny. In fact, I think I saw the same joke on American Idol a few years back. That's how bad it is. David doesn't want to lose face, so he claps his hands and says, "Very good. Very good." Gareth gets the joke now and tells Tim, "John Noakes." David explains that they worked together on Blue Peter, "That's what the reference was," and he's still laughing. Sad.

Rowan decides to take over and tells them it's "time for the dreaded role play." David makes an "ughh" sound, which is lame and unnecessary, like just about everything he says in this episode. Rowan takes David first, calling him "your leader", which David likes. Rowan tells them to applaud, but only Gareth and Tim seem to do that. David says he's done it before and Rowan says that makes it easier. Well... We'll see. Rowan wants to start with something nice and simple. "Hard as you like," says David who thinks this is a test where he gets to show his acting skills. Rowan tells the employees you always need to improve your customer care skills, and David keeps nodding and intersecting "yeah"s and other comments just to show that he's always one step ahead of Rowan. Rowan's idea is to act out a scene where - "and this will be the wrong way to do it," he says and David fakes a laugh again - a bad hotel employee is confronted by an unhappy guest. David totally misses the point and says, "If it's a Basil Fawlty type character, maybe I should play him." Rowan says it's just to "kick things off." David tries to make himself look like the star still and, playing with his tie, he says he'll "probably bring something to this role anyway". It's not an audition for a Hollywood movie, David. Rowan emphasizes many times that this will be the WRONG way of doing it. I think the writers have taken part in some rather redundant training sessions in their time.

As they begin, David just stands there for a moment and then asks Rowan what the complaint is supposed to be. Great ad lib. Rowan says just anything will do. "Anything. Because there are no right or wrong answers," David redundantly tells the employees. "Then we tell you the right answer afterwards," he adds, undoing his whole point. Rowan is getting a bit annoyed at David already and tries to make him focus, "OK, you've got a complaint?" They get into the scenario. David is actually doing fairly well at first. Rowan plays a very annoying hotel employee, taking on a really rejecting, arrogant look. I think he's acting out some of his tensions towards David, as he repeats "I don't care". David, who thinks this is a competition, suddenly screams, "I think there's been a rape up there!" Everyone stares in shock, including Rowan. Gareth stops writing for a moment, but then resumes. I'm pretty sure he actually writes "I think there's been a rape up there." David smugly tells the employees to "Get. Their. Attention." That's brilliant. The next time I want to get someone's attention, I'll just scream out that someone's been raped. That oughta show them. Rowan recovers a bit and comments on it, but David won't let him talk.
Rowan: "Ok, there were some interesting points there..
David: "Very interesting points."
Rowan: "Not quite the point I was trying to make..."
David: "Different points for different..."
Rowan: "I'm more interested, really, in customer care."
David: "So am I."

I feel for Rowan, having to work in this environment, but it's still hilarious to watch. David suggests that he could play the hotel manager, and Rowan obliges, rubbing his face with a gesture that looks very tired. Rowan comes to David, complaining about the room not being cleaned. David basically mimicks his earlier performance, saying, "I don't care", and then suddenly asks, "What room are you in?" When Rowan says the number, David says there is no room by that number. "Sometimes the complaints will be false," he tells the employees. "OK? Good." Yeah, I hope they got that, because that's probably exactly what Rowan was going for. In an improvised play, there's always the risk of someone coming up with something idiotic like that, and then that's the reality of the story and you can't change it anymore.

Season 1, Episode 4, Part 1: "Training Day"

In an unusual opening scene, we see Lee and Dawn fighting. Dawn is crying and saying that she has a right to change her mind, and the fight really doesn't make much sense to an outside spectator, as I believe the writers have intended. It seems quite natural, and I'm not sure if it's ad libbed or scripted. It's always hard to tell on this show, which is a good sign.

Cut to an interview with Gareth, of all people. As our relationship expert, Gareth tells us that it might be better to split up, because long-term relationships always mean that the sex gets worse. "You constantly have to find new and erotic ways of spicing things up in the bedroom." Right. Because sex is the most important part of a relationship, and it's bad if you have to be more adventurous. I can just imagine Gareth's sexl.. Actually, I'd rather not imagine that. Moving on.

In a big conference room, Dawn is putting up chairs, while David is talking his usual gibberish to the consultant. He's explaining how he's really good at this stuff, because he was trained in it and he got even better, but he was already good to begin with: "It's a gift AND training." Dawn is still weeping to herself. She's wearing a nice baby blue shirt and a baby blue hair pin, which makes her look prettier than usual. David introduces Rowan, the consultant, to the camera and tells us that he does a couple of these training days a year. David says "It's good to have an outsider now and then to... keep an interest..." He turns to leave, but when Rowan tells the camera he has an MBA in this, David starts blabbing about his own skills again: "I'm trained in it too", even if I doubt he has an MBA. He offers to tell the viewers what today is all about. "I can do that," Rowan offers, but David cuts him off by saying awkwardly, "Well, it's my... thing..." He tell us it's "customer care really. Investement. In. People. I.e, the staff." Wait, I thought you said it was about the customer. David claims that if someone from the staff has a problem, it's his problem. At that very moment, Dawn starts weeping out loud again and runs away from the room. Rowan looks after her, concerned, but David just makes an amused face at the camera that seems to be saying, "Oh, those hysterical women!" Then he goes straight into a stupid analogy: "It's like if you're cleaning a floor and you're up against it, then come to me and I'll help us clean our floor together. So... not literally." Yeah, I can really see him doing that. Rowan just looks at him wide-eyed. Oh, Rowan, you have no idea what you're in for.

People are taking their last calls before the training and leaving their computers. Dawn sits on the sofa, weeping. Aww, poor Dawn. Tim's voice is heard comforting her. The camera zooms out and we see that Tim is sitting there, talking to her calmly and kindly, with a very small voice. He says that Lee and Dawn should be together, and if Lee doesn't see that, he's mad. "Tell you what, if he doesn't see that, I'll marry you." Ah, the "I'll marry you" joke. It's a sure way to tell who really has feelings for you. There's always a joke like that somewhere, half-serious.

Keith leaves a message in his answering machine. His tone is so incredibly monotonous, I don't know how Ewan MacIntosh manages it. I doubt I could be this monotonous if I tried. The message is simply: "Hallo, you're through to Keith. I'll be at training all day today. Please call me .. or leave a message.. and I will call you tomorrow."

Dawn tells Tim he's so lovely. "No, I'm not lovely, you are," Tim says. Oh, get a room you two. Dawn says she's snotty from the crying. "I'll marry your snot," says Tim. Well, that's... both eww and aww, actually. Dawn laughs a bit and seems to be doing better. Of course, Gareth picks this moment to walk in. "You upset? It's about Lee, isn't it?" he says redundantly. Duh, Gareth. You know, maybe if you see someone closer to her already comforting her, you could just leave it? Gareth gives her the biggest compliment he can think of: "You know Monkey Alan down from the warehouse - he fancies you, even if no one else does. So..." Yeah, problem solved. If Lee leaves her, she can immediately hook up with Monkey Alan, whoever that is. I'd hardly be flattered by someone called that "fancying" me. Especially if he's a friend of Gareth's. And the words "even if no one else does" never make the compliment very credible. Dawn bursts into tears again and runs away. Gareth the sexist assumes that it's just because women are so hysterical: "You just can't say anything when they are like that, can you." I'd hate him if he weren't so pathetic. Tim awesomely tells him, "No, YOU can't. I was doing OK." Thinking about it, Tim is the only guy on the show who isn't a total sexist. Well, Neil might not be as bad as some of them, but even he laughs at Finchy's terrible jokes. Tim tells Gareth that Dawn doesn't need to know about Monkey Alan. "Even the name... I don't even know who that is. I'm betting that Monkey Alan..." Gareth cuts him off to tell him who it is: "You know, he's that little bloke..." Tim decides Gareth isn't worth talking with and tells him, "Go away, please. Go over there." Hee, like he's talking to a dog. Gareth doesn't have any objections. He sulks away quietly. I wonder what he's feeling - embarrassment? Anger? Or just his usual "Huh? What went wrong?" I wonder if it's liberating to be so socially clueless.

After a brief establishing shot of the employees walking to the conference room, we see them sitting in a circle. Quite few people, considering - seems to be less than twenty employees. Joan the cleaning lady is, for once, not there. Rowan introduces himself. He comes off as quite a smart and nice guy, especially comparing to David, who's standing next to him and smirking in his usual fashion. When Rowan says he will be "leading" them, David has to add, "Under me." He keeps nodding and shaking his head depending on what Rowan is saying, as if to stress with his body language that he approves of this message. He just can't stand someone else being the center of attention. Dawn is absent-mindedly tapping her knee with her pen, while Gareth is already taking notes, and seems to be writing down every word Rowan says, which cracks me up.

Rowan says they'll watch a video first: "It's a bit cheesy and a bit 80'ish" - David chuckles, always ready to join in the laugh with the others even if he doesn't get the joke - "but I think a lot of the ideas are still pretty valid." David adds, "A good idea is a good idea... for EVER." Wow, that's deep. For him. Actually it's not even deep for David. Just pathetic. Rowan is like, "Ookayy..." and I bet he's already wishing David wouldn't keep cutting him off with inane comments. David looks at Rowan, smirking like he's said the most intelligent thing in the world. "Philosophy," he adds. Hee! I love these little interjections. He's going to do a couple more in this episode. I think he just uses them to underline his "point" - or rather, how brilliant the point supposedly is. You know, in case someone might miss his brilliance.